


The Reason I didn't Update: Clueless Chiss

by MsLanna



Series: TRIDU-verse [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Thrawn Trilogy - Timothy Zahn
Genre: Again, F/M, Political Intrigue, Self-Insert, You Have Been Warned, including 88 pronouns, why are you still here anyway?, worldbuilding the whole Chiss society
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2018-04-02 01:58:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 144
Words: 240,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4041325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsLanna/pseuds/MsLanna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mellanna has to find a way to revoke the banishment of Thrawn. Stocked with unusual assets and her usual handicaps, she finds herself in the middle of a society that does not want her. Half of it also does not want Thrawn to return either. And when Mellanna starts to dig up details of the mission that led to Thrawn's banishment some people get really antsy and aggressive.</p><p>There won't be a lot of Thrawn (except in mentions) in this for a long while. Sorry.</p><p>This is actually still unfinished. So don't expect the finished thing to pop up suddenly like the last part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second part of a series. You are welcome to dive right in. I have no clue if that works. If it doesn't, I suggest reading the first part first.

Prologue

I was cursing. At least when I was in a state to be coherent. I cursed each and everyone, all men and all who were in one way or another responsible for my current, very unpleasant situation. Naturally, my Admiralship got the brunt of it all. Stupid, idiot, brainless dick of a Chiss.

That was exactly the problem, I decided after the next contraction abated. And that left me with the bastard child of a Chiss. I took a deep breath and eyed the timer. Another hour until we reached Csilla. This would so not be fun.

Rukh sat beside me in stoic silence. He had prepared for the birth as well as the _Liberty_ allowed. I would have preferred to lie down and curse the ceiling, but somebody had to fly the ship and that somebody was me. Because the same somebody had to talk to the Chiss authorities. And that was something Rukh couldn't do.

I closed my eyes, let the pain wash over me and hoped I wouldn't have to clean up the mess I left behind. Right now I felt like I would never be able to do anything ever again. Cursed Grand Admiral. Idiot Emperor. He and his impeccable timing. Where had that gone to? And why had Stent not said a word, or maybe Parck. Okay, Parck was excused for being away on a mission to practice combined military missions with the Republic. But the other. They really should have known better.

After all, this was my first pregnancy. And judging from the pain that labour was the last if I had any say in it. Which I should. Looking at it in retrospective, never having kids had been an excellent plan. But it was too late for that now. I cursed the pilot's seat which was definitely not made to give birth in. But Rukh had, rather correctly, pointed out that it would likely be impossible to get me into it once we arrived. I looked at the timer again. I swear, it was going backwards.

When Rukh finally pulled the lever, I was concentrating so much on being coherent, that I didn't quite remember what to be coherent with. I just hoped it would come to me in time.

“Foreign vessel, state your intent,” a Chiss voice commanded over the comm. And I did remember what I was trying to do. It took me several repeats of the command to gather enough and the right words to answer.

“Chiss Ascendancy, this is Mellanna Morrison,” I gasped in pain, and had to exhale before I could go on, “with the light freighter _Liberty_.” I wanted to cringe around my belly which was impossible because there was too much of it and also it hurt like hell. “I come with no evil intonation, shipload of eels, intention.” Things were deteriorating fast. At least my swearing was on par even in Cheunh.

“Light Freighter _Liberty_ , you have invaded Chiss space.” As if I cared. “You will state your intentions or leave.” As if I could. At least the calculation of the fuel had been done correctly.

“Chiss Ascendancy,” why was I given no name? I mean, I was even speaking Cheunh, wasn't I? I concentrated on another contraction before going on. “I have come to raise the child of a, “bastard son of a bitch who did this to me and was now to far away to strangle. Unfortunately. “garland, more eels than I can count, _gor'laan_.”

There, I had done it. More or less correctly with more swearing as anticipated. I kept swearing under my breath as my body decided this was the best moment of all to give birth and went at it with a passion. The other side did take its sweet time, too. What was their problem? As far as I had been told, which had to mean nothing coming to think of it, there were precedents. Even if the parents were banned the children were not. They had done nothing.

“Light freighter, you will change your course to the following coordinates and prepare to be boarded.” I translated the numbers that followed to Rukh who set the course. I had rarely been so glad to feel a tractor beam take hold of my ship. They likely had doctors wherever I was going. There was nothing more appealing than a doctor right now. I would have given my private tea supply to see Greras right then.

“You will wait for the boarding team at the entrance of your ship.”

Well, I think not. But before I could object, the connection was cut. I looked a Rukh.

“Bucket of eels,” he said.

When I tried to laugh, another contraction turned the sound into a long wailing noise of no amusement.

“I think I will wait at the entrance,” Rukh said. “Keep together if you can.”

Instead of replying I tried not to bite through my lip. This worked rather well. It did not matter that the noise level was impossible to keep down. To hell with it all. I did not have to pretend flying the ship anymore, nor did I have to talk. My state should be pretty obvious to any mammal alive.

After a long contraction-flooded eternity Rukh returned. Behind him walked several blue people, dressed in black with green. 'Eels', I thought before closing my eyes. Somehow they didn't open again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	2. Chapter 1

One

I woke up tired. I felt as if a herd of banthas had practised step dancing on me. And some of them had kicked me in the nethers repeatedly. This was not a good day to be Pooh. Something floated to the top of my mind that was of importance. I should not be alone. I opened my eyes but didn't see anything much. I tried to open my eyes again, but it was definitely rather dark. Faint lights of diverse colour indicated that light was an option though. Somehow, somewhen.

I was certain I had to get light now. I had to find – not Rukh. If they had allowed him to stay he would have had turned on the light already. Rukh knew me. He also knew. I looked around, taking in the approximate size of the room. It didn't look very big. But then I was on – a space ship? A space station? The ground? I didn't even know. I felt drugged. That was a good thing. I had wanted drugs.

Sarah!

I sat up with a jolt and was back on my back as fast. Carefully, I felt around the webbing which held me against the bed. It was yielding, allowing me some slow movement. To a certain extent. There was only so far I could move my arm out of the bed. Okay. Likely this was protection rather than restraint. I took a moment to get my breath back again. This was no time to slack.

“Rukh?” I asked softly into the darkness. When there was no reply, I tried again a little louder. Not that I thought it would help any. If Rukh had been there... I sighed. One for the money, two for the show.

I tried to sit up again and dim light flooded the room. It seemed enough to see by and I could recognise the shape of an approaching person. The webbing pressed against my chest and I allowed it to push me down again. I wanted to ask a million questions.

“You will rest,” the Chiss told me. It was impossible to tell the age or gender in the dim light. The jumpsuit was of darkish colour and seemed to glow slightly.

“My child.”

There was a silence too long for my liking.

“She is well.” There was no inflection to the words. But it did not feel appealing as it had with Thrawn. Quite to the contrary it scared me. It gave me the distinct feeling that something was wrong with my daughter.

They didn't ask for her three attributes either when those had cost me long sleepless nights and several heated arguments with her father. Oh my. He was a father now. And I was a mother. Poor kid, I had absolutely no clue what I was doing.

“I want to see her.” It was rather difficult to use the lor'kina when you were lying down and tied down on top of it. Though, under different circumstances – I brought my mind back to the present.

“She is sleeping.”

“She is my daughter.”

The Chiss tilted the head backwards slightly, but I didn't wince.

“She will be brought to you when she wakes.” The Chiss turned without another word and left me alone, returning me into darkness as they went.

Now that had gone well for a first contact and establishing myself in the hierarchy of the Chiss society. I closed my eyes and wished that at least Rukh was there. And while I was at it, I wished for my Grand Admiral and thought of all the things I would tell him. There were very many, very unhappy things that would necessitate pointed gestures. I fell asleep thinking of all the very pointed lor'kina I'd use on Thrawn.

I was woken because my daughter had deigned to wake up and my life was hers now. Or at least for a while. I was relieved to see that there was nothing wrong with her as far as I could see. Everything was in place, tiny toes and fingers, with fingernails included. I scrutinised the little smurf while she had breakfast, closing her blue eyes in concentration now and then.

“Where is my bodyguard?” I asked the Chiss woman standing at my bedside. I did not really expect her to know, though. I didn't even know if she was the same Chiss that I had seen before. I tried to memorise her colours, but she seemed to be wearing sensible working clothes. The brass pattern was very restrained, doing barely more than letting me know she was the first child of a minor line, unmarried and affiliated more with the medical than the military.

“The grey alien has no business being in the medical ward,” I was informed precisely. There was a hint that a person like me did not really need a bodyguard either, because there was nothing actually worth protecting.

“I would like for him to visit me at the soonest possible moment.” It was difficult to make this a formal request with a child in my arms.

“I will let the commander know.”

Sarah was falling asleep and she held out his arms to take her back.

I managed to convey my incredulous refusal to her unbelievable expectation and pulled the blanket over myself and my child. It was a flimsy protection, but it certainly got the message across. “I vow not to indoctrinate her with rebellious ideas against the Chiss Ascendancy,” I told the woman who I tried to think of as a nurse.

This warranted no reply, but her lor'kina made the demand more forceful.

I looked from her to Sarah, then back to the nurse. “Umor.” I wrapped my arms around my daughter. They would have to take her by force.

I don't think anybody had ever dared to use the utter refusal on the poor woman. She gave me a long hard look rippling with disapproval but she did leave without my child. I ran my hand softly over the small blue head. At least she would not stand out from afar. That might make things easier for her. Or it might not.

I felt drowsy but hungry. Unfortunately, the hunger won out and kept me awake. I wondered if there was a plan to feed me at some point during the day. There was and it was used as a rather sneaky attempt to get Sarah back from me. Still in the end I found a way to sit up and eat without giving my daughter away. I had no doubt I would only be seeing her again when she awoke and I disapproved.

After I had eaten, I was informed that 'the grey alien' was not allowed into the medical ward due to safety precautions concerning contagious diseases. I tried to stare down my nurse with no effect whatsoever. Then I shrugged a human shrug because it was really impossible to do the Chiss way while lying down and holding a child. The smurf was getting heavier by the hour too. I also began to wonder how I would ever manage to change her napkins like this. My best guess was not at all.

A little later the desire to wear napkins myself arose rather urgently. I did manage to sit up, the webbing had been removed after I had proven to be conscious and sane. But I was not sure I could walk. The banthas had done a thorough job and I was so shaky. And there was no way I'd risk dropping Sarah when I was not sure I could stand on my own.

I dangled my legs off the bed, rocking my smurf and humming sadly. At least Sarah seemed content. Not that I had much experience with that kind of thing. I really hoped she'd speak up, or wail up, when she wanted something.

I was saved, incredible enough, by my nurse. At least I was pretty certain it was still the same woman. “Mellanna,” she stated when she returned. “I am Kres'pel'imod of the Seventh Ruling House, nurse of the Chiss Defence Fleet. The Commander will see you now.” She looked me up and down making very clear what would have to happen before one was even allowed to think of putting me in the same room with the Commander.

I also noted how she did not say Crahsystor. I hoped that meant that whatever the problem was it was not important enough to bother the commander of the whole force. Though considering that this was Csilla itself, he would be a commander really high up in the food chain. “I honour the invitation, Kres'pel'imod.”

“The child needs looking after,” she continued. “She is only half Chiss and her readings differ. It needs attention.”

I nodded, carefully handing my daughter over. I was no going to antagonise medical attentions even if I did not approve of generally stashing Sarah away from me. She was all I had right now.

I was cleaned up in record time and dressed in a baggy blue jumpsuit. Not unexpectedly blue, the colour of skin, the colour of those who didn't have other colours to show and were unable to afford them anyway. It was a shame to let such a beautiful colour carry such sad meaning.

I followed Speli, who I should remember not to address in such manner, on wobbly legs. I had gotten something that resembled medication, but I wasn't sure what or how strong it would be considering I was feeding a baby and all that. Rukh had been instructed to give the medics a datacard with my normal readings and a small medical handbook on how to make sure I stayed upright. There was no knowing how much practice a normal Chiss doctor had gotten on humans with only the Fels around. There was also no knowing what had actually happened with the data.

The commander was a man no definable age. It didn't help that he was also a Chiss. He looked very formal, though I could see that he hadn't bothered with the formal outfit. How was I ever supposed to know who anybody was if they didn't wear their proper robes? Well, Stent _had_ warned me. I was annoyed still. It was frustrating.

“As commander of this vessel,” he skipped the introductions completely, telling me exactly what status I was currently holding, “I, Nuruodo'bai'netor, demand to know you name and intention.” His lor'kina was of impeccable beauty. There was no doubting his authority. Or my definite lack of it or anything else for that matter.

Still I was determined to hold on to the place I wanted and let surprise and resignation ripple over me. The fact that I could actually use my hands to do that reminded me acutely that I did not hold my daughter. “I am Mellanna Morrison, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor,” I replied calmly. “Spouse of a gor'laan whose child is to be raised as is proper.”

I was strange to call Thrawn names in public. So far that had been a private pleasure, mostly contained in the inside of my head on occasions his Admiralship had, once again, proven to be highly annoying. It felt wrong with other people listening. Unlike me, they might actually believe it.

“You come from a place called the Republic in Space Beyond.” It was an accusation. The slanted set of his shoulders implied a question, but other than that he was pretty sure about it. He was not happy about it either.

Neither was I. But at least I did come from a republic that even carried that bit in its official name. So it would not be a lie if I agreed. And it certainly lay in space so beyond not even Thrawn could find it with an electron microscope. “I do, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor,” I agreed, looking straight at him.

“Which House does the child claim?”

Oh, so I didn't get any house, huh? I began to wonder what kind of manners Thrawn had been teaching me. Maybe those had been out of fashion for some decades now. I would play along. As long as necessary anyway. I hunched my shoulders to show my submissive obedience. “House Mitth, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor.”

Obain was again neither surprised nor happy. Whatever Thrawn had done, it had certainly had had more of an impact than he had ever admitted. Smug bastard. “I will let the Family know a child of their exiled has arrived if tests confirm the claim.”

More obedience and submission. I would soon get cramps in my neck and shoulders from this. But this time their caution was only proper. Anybody could come and claim to be part of a family. As long as their skin was blue, a feature Sarah fortunately had. I did not want to think of the discussions it would have taken to simply get the bloody tests done otherwise. On the other hand, there seemed to be a very small number of exiled Mitths around if he knew exactly who we were talking about. Or even worse, a very limited number of exiled Chiss at all.

I realised he was about to dismiss me so I turned my palms towards him in question, hoping the slant of my head didn't accidentally slip into contempt. Obain was not bound to let me ask, but that would be terribly rude. And seeing from how much I knew about the Chiss he knew that I knew that as well.

“The child can stay with you. It will take work of my staff,” he answered the question I was not actually asking. But thank you anyway, it was nice to know I would not have to go off on a rampage to find Sarah and get her back. I didn't let the question waver.

He gave me permission to speak with the barest hint of a nod.

“What about Rukh Clan Baikh'vair, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor?” It would take some getting used to saying those long unwieldy names. But it would be worth it, I hoped. Just because they didn't adhere to the rules of courtesy, it didn't mean I needn’t. So I would. With all the decorum I knew of.

The commander gave me a long look. “We know nothing about him or his clan,” he finally said. “We cannot let him walk free.” Walk free or talk to me, his body language implied. Seemed Rukh and I would be able to topple the Chiss society on our own if Oabin was to be believed.

“He is my friend and protector, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor.” I wanted him back. Not that I could even hint at a demand there.

“Protecting you from what?” He managed to imply all kinds of things, most of which I didn't like.

“Against those who try to harm me or my child, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor.”

“And why is that?” Obain made sure that I knew he saw nothing worth protecting when he looked at me.

I added a subtle warning to my body language. Rukh was dangerous. If you forced him. I hoped they did not even try and were kind. I really, really hoped. “He owes a life debt, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor.” I decided to avoid the other question I might have answered here.

Obain was still looking for something that gave him a clue how somebody like I might have managed to get a life debt from as deadly fighter as Rukh. He came up empty. Good. I did not show my smugness or desire to giggle. I would keep my secrets as long as I could. And so would Rukh.

“His stay will be considered.” From what I could read on Obain, the matter of a life debt was not taken lightly here. I hoped that Thrawn's predictions on how this would go would still hold up now that things hadn't gone at all as planned. At least that's what I believed. If that blue-skinned git had actually planned for me to arrive here in full birth-giving mode, I would need to have some very direct words with him. If he ever returned, that dear exiled husband of mine. I was still stumbling over that expression.

Still, if Rukh had to leave, I would provide him with a chart, a knife, and some very pointed instructions about showing Thrawn how wrong he had been and what I thought of his planning. “Please let him know I inquired after him, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor,” I just said.

“Agreed.”

“I thank you, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor.” I raised my hands until they were parallel to the floor and closed them into fists. I ignored his almost very well hidden surprise at my knowledge of gestures like this. He should have seen this coming from my use of the lor'kina. But hey, I was just an _aätekik_ of no importance.

I followed Kres'pel'imod back to the medical ward. She did actually use my name when she left to get Sarah. Of course only the core name, which was obviously Lanna, because I didn't warrant anything more than that. But I was certain to be extra polite and borderline nice to her when she brought my daughter. After all, she did acknowledge that I was a being of my own right, if probably not quite a person.

She showed me how to change napkins and held a long lecture on proper baby care. I listened attentively, because I had no idea about it. I just held Sarah and hoped things would work out. And that she'd let me know if anything was amiss. Cleaned up and fed, she looked like going to sleep though.

Obligingly I began to hum lullabies, none of which found her approval. Tired babies that do not fall asleep are a nuisance. Cranky and with no idea why I went through all songs I remembered until I finally found one she liked. I was so happy she started to calm down that I did not care it was Mordred's Lullaby. It worked. What else could I desire?

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umor - I refuse.   
> gor'laan – exile, outcast, somebody whose name was broken,  
> aätekik – strong insulting pronoun indicating the other has no House, is of alien heritage and generally worth nothing


	3. Chapter 2

Two

I found out very soon that six hours undisturbed sleep were what I desired. Sarah had no inkling of good sleeping manners. I had no clock to know how long she let me sleep. Not that there was anything else to do. So I slept when she slept and was awake when she woke and practised what I hoped to be good mothering skills. So far it was easy enough since all she did was eat, sleep, and poop. For once in my life I had been really lucky.

Sarah was a quiet child, not too much screaming and easy to please. It was really nice to watch her calm down when all I did was pick her up. I was left with no toys but what I could make from the things around us. I had knotted a pillow case into the best approximation of a doll possible for her to play with once. But the next time Speli dropped by she made very clear that this was improper behaviour. After she left I let out a sigh, thinking of the boxes of toys on board of the _Liberty_. Heaven knew when and if I'd see them again.

It had been a day to remember, too, when I had stormed up to Stent and told him in no uncertain terms that I was not willing to leave my galaxy without toys for my child. She might have to grow up in a different civilisation, but, just in case, I'd like to bring some building blocks, a rocking horse and –. That was the moment Stent had handed me over to Baron Fel who had very quickly called his wife who had understood perfectly. We had then spent a very agreeable afternoon making a list of all the things I wanted. A few days later a special delivery had arrived, containing what I considered necessary.

I moped for a while because Legos seemed unknown. There were building blocks of all kinds though, some sticking together very nicely. The rocking horse looked like a llama-bear. The teddies looked like any number of animal crossovers. I sat down to create a little ich-bin-ich because that was something I could do from the top of my head. It looked just like another normal animal among the bunch.

I was glad I had not tried that on the pillow case. Nurse Speli might have found it necessary to use more than words on me. I also tried to convince Sarah, that she actually liked any other songs for a lullaby but Mordred's. I was not successful with that at all. I needed better lyrics for that if I didn't want to scar her for life.

So I had absolutely no idea how long it took the Mitth Family to make up their minds. In the end the news was so unimportant that Speli delivered it. “They have accepted the child.”

I turned to look at her. “When do we leave?”

“Who said _you_ were going anywhere?” I was not sure if it was a challenge or a test. Not that it mattered.

It was lucky I was already holding Sarah, because otherwise I would have snatched her up. “The child will go nowhere without her mother.”

“And you are in a position to decide this?”

“I am.” I left no place for doubt; a triple exclamation mark could have taken lessons from me.

“We will see.” She turned to lead the way. It wasn't as if I had to pack. Nothing in this room belonged to me. I hadn't gotten back the clothes I had been wearing. Somehow it felt like a deja vu.

“What will I be taking with me from my ship?” I wanted to know.

“Nothing.” Speli filled the pause with an explanation marker so I didn't push. Finally she had found a proper way to tell me the reasons. “The ship itself will stay property of the Chiss Defence Fleet until declared common knowledge. Then it will be returned to House Mitth.” Well that was good to know. I felt very included already. “The items on board, as far as declared harmless, will be returned to you. They have already been taken planetside.”

I wondered where the 'Expansionary' of the Chiss fleet had gone to until Speli's words sunk in. House Mitth had my things. I was sure they had had a look at it already and the image of a bunch of Chiss rummaging through my things did not amuse me. Not even if they were to become family. Especially not when they were to become family.

I wondered what they would make of my private stockpile of tea and chocolate. I wondered what was in all the other boxes Stent had loaded before I left. It suddenly made a horrible kind of sense to pack a lot of things I didn't know and didn't care about. The House could hardly keep my things and not me. I was being sold to them. Or I could call it dowry and see if that made me feel better. I was optimistic now that I could stay. Between Thrawn and Stent there was nothing that could go wrong with the dowry.

“You will need it,” Stent had simply said. He wasn't one to disbelieve.

“Of course I know,” Thrawn had replied when I told him about the incident anyway. “Stent does nothing without my permission.”

Unfortunately, this did not tell me if Stent had acted on explicit orders or had a carte blanche from Thrawn. Probably the latter. It was no wonder those two had taken over a small part of the galaxy all by themselves. “I just thought I would be more involved in the going-ons in my life by now.” I tried to pout.

“Considering your current forgetfulness would make that a liability,” he just said. “I am told it is a common side effect of pregnancy.”

“Well, I haven't forgotten about that,” I had told him and patted the bulge that was uncomfortably huge by then.

“A mere coincidence, I am certain,” Thrawn had replied.

I missed him terribly.

I didn't think that being faced with his whole family would improve that any. Even if it was only his new family. The concept of merit-families was still giving me headaches.

Two red clad guards awaited us in the hangar. They ignored me and turned to Speli after a short glance at Sarah.

“This is the child,” my nurse told them in a very official manner, “and her mother.”

I was glad to finally warrant an introduction. Even if it was just as mother of. It was likely unwise to insist on a relationship with an exiled guy of bad standing.

“Thank you, Kres'pel'imod,” one guard replied. Either this was a formal occasion or the mere presence of a pariah called for full names. “We appreciate the patience with our House.”

Speli indicated formal acceptance of an obligation easily repaid. She was already half gone by the time she had straightened up again, leaving me alone with the guards. I was forgotten like the blip on somebody else's radar.

I looked around, but there was no sign of Rukh anywhere. I began to worry in earnest. Still there was nothing I could do but follow the silent figures into the oddly shaped vessel. It should not be possible for a spaceship to be shaped oddly, but the flowing curves and angles all seemed somewhat off. The inside was functional with no frilly bits, but also no Rukh. If I didn't get to see him soon, or at least got news about him, the Eighth Ruling Family would be very unhappy about knowing me at all. If it wasn't already.

Transfer was silent and seemed to take forever. There was nothing to be seen as the only window was likely in the cockpit. I would have liked to see the planet I was to live on for the time coming. When I arrived, I had been too busy having contractions to take a good look. Okay, it was a glorified ice-cube, but still it would have been nice to see it hang in space, maybe catch a glimpse of the transit stations against the never-ending white. It wasn't often you found a people that decided to live below kilometres of ice.

Not that I was keen to join them. The idea of being holed up indefinitely under ice or anything held no appeal for me. I'd rather be separated from vacuum by nothing but a thin sheet of metal than buried alive. Not that I had a choice. I looked down at Sarah and wondered when she would see her first bit of real sky. Would she even believe it had the same colour as her eyes? What did the 'sky' look like down there? And how did you even live there, let alone plants and animals? Unfortunately, I was about to find out.

Only not quite immediately. I was chivvied through several transports, none of which had a view. After the shuttle had landed I went through nondescript corridors to something that looked like a train station into what looked like a very short train. Again, there were no windows. Not that there would have been much to see. Most of Csilla's transport system was drilled through ice and stone. There was nothing to see at all.

I should have been more nervous and less bored. I was going to see my future family. And as it tends to be with family, you could not chose it. I mean, you could if you were a capable Chiss but I was neither. And I already had a family. I tried not to think of what my mum would say if she could see me now. Apart from 'oh my God, it's all blue', that is. It would be better not to think about it. At least not now when I still had to meet people and looking all read and puffy was not an option.

I concentrated on the lack of a view again. But then, what had I expected? To be wrong? Really? Not that it wouldn't have been nice to arrive and find that for mysterious reasons Thrawn and Stent were wrong about the state of Csilla and the ice had thawed. I wondered what would actually happen if it did. Would Csilla turn from ice-cube to water-world? In that case the Chiss would likely just change the make-up of the domes over their cities and go on as if nothing had happened.

Eventually we arrived at Csaplar Central, or above it, to be more precise. Long-distance travel was underground, but within the cities the Chiss saw no reason to have no view. So they had built their public transport under their ceilings. It looked like a strangely inverted version of the overhead railway in Wuppertal. It was probably a lot of work to keep those in place and working.

I looked down at the big buildings in Central trying to recognise something from the images I had seen. But we were gone to fast. The trip was short as the anero of the Ruling houses were located within the first ring of the city. The train went through a short tunnel of ice leading into the next bubble. The station loomed up like a grey steel flower, rails into other directions blossoming away from the stalk planting it firmly in the middle of the ice-domed Mitth District, also known as District Eight. There was no time for crossovers, though. We fell to the ground in an intricate elevator system that was not going only two directions.

Though private cars were strictly for important events, there was one to pick us up while we had not even left the building of the station. Likely because even this was less conspicuous than herding me through the streets. I held on to Sarah while trying to look at the streets and houses and gardens. It looked all oddly normal for being under several kilometres of ice. The street was very straight and rather narrow, but then it was rarely used. Wide walkways flanked it, paved in intricate patterns.

The houses seemed all to be made for living. I saw no obvious shops or businesses. The architecture felt odd, though not for obvious reasons. It was as if somebody had taken human standards, tilted them sideways and added a few extra angles. It should not be possible considering none of the houses reached higher than four storeys.

The anero of House Mitth was tucked away in a corner, giving it privacy. A rare commodity in a society as constricted as this. There was literally nowhere to go. I craned my neck to look up. The sky was made of light grey marble. There was no sun or single source of light visible. Despite being no higher than a few kilometres at most, it did not feel oppressive. Yet.

And there it was, two and a half storeys of unabashed grandeur. The colour of the stone made me realise why House Csapla claimed bronze. It seemed to glow with warmth, tiny splinters of some mineral glittering in the light. We drove past the face of the house with its big windows and fake pillars. That was a good sign, I decided. I would be received as a personal guest of the Ne'weëran'ok and not-, my thoughts got all tangled up as I tried to think them in basic. I couldn't even find a proper expression for the person leading the family due to all its associations and implications.

She was the one making the calls. Or he in other families. And actually the word implied a couple, though it was used in the singular form. I liked how it literally meant nothing but first in the family but the funny splitting and compounding of Cheunh implied by morpheme that it was a woman. I began to feel a little nervous after all. Taking a deep breath, I stepped out of the car. Gravel crunched under my feet and it was a most beautiful noise. Somewhere in the distance a strange bird called and received an answer just as strange. A small breath of wind would have made things perfect, but where would I ever get wind from down here?

I straightened my lor'kina, unable to tug at the jumpsuit while holding Sarah. She opened one big blue eye as if letting me know she understood how important this was. I bent down to kiss her which she interpreted as licence to grab my hair. “ _Nokv'all_ ,” I whispered. _Later_. If there was a later.

The guards did not even look impatient. It was more as if they wondered why they were standing out here when there was obviously nothing out here at all. I looked at the seat of power that was to decide on my future. _I can do this_ , I told myself. _Because if I don't..._

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anero – the estate of a Ruling Family in Csaplar where the main line lives


	4. Chapter 3

The inside of the mansion was surprisingly simple. Plain wooden floors, walls punctuated only now and then with a painting. I was ready to bet it was not cheap simplicity, though. We turned left and I entered the main parlour. It was huge, really huge. It was also representing and doing a very good job of it. Straight ahead, in the middle of the room, great double doors led to the balcony, which I would not get to see for some time. Turning to the left again, I was finally faced with fate. She looked amazing.

Mitth'orr'arash, leader of the first family of of Mitth, forokintaän of the Eight Ruling House, was beautiful. She was at least in her sixties as well, but who cared? Her features were chiselled with determination and the lines on her face had been earned by duty. I felt the urge to bow, but I might have dropped Sarah. I inclined my head low instead.

I also stopped right where the guards stopped pushing me. My mind raced with all the things Thrawn had told me and missing him almost hurt bodily. Sarah let out a complaining wail as I held on to her too tightly. Poor little sod.

“Aäete'terfe'ygeog'laan,” _You bring us the child of an exiled_ , Thorra said, her whole body bristling.

I wanted to bristle back at the use of aäete, but could not. It was the word I was going to hear most the coming time. The word telling me I was nobody. “Uki'urech'areto, Mitth'orr'arash” I agreed instead, my head still bowed in submission.

Getting up from the elaborate chair she had been sitting on, the head of the Mitth family approached me. She held out her hands and I gave her my child. Not that I felt very good about it.

“She has a rightful claim to a place in our family,” Thorra went on. She looked up from the tiny blue face. “What do you have?”

My daughter, I was tempted to snap. But I didn't. I could snap and rage all I wanted, once I had a place in this world. But until then I would smile and wave. “I only bring what you have seen, Mitth'orr'arash. I came to fulfil her father's wish and that I will do.”

“And her father wishes for her to grow up a Chiss?”

“Her father wishes her to grow up a Chiss, Mitth'orr'arash.” I didn't know how to politely say that her father also very much wished to return. “She is a child of two worlds, but he wishes this to be the primary one.” For a moment I looked up at her, establishing a direct line of sight. “He would have come himself, but he cannot. So he sent me.” I bowed back into submission, adding a question with half curled fingers.

Thorra looked back at Sarah, then returned her to me. “This is the purpose you claim?”

“The only purpose I have, Mitth'orr'arash.” I felt much better with Sarah close to me. “Do I need another?” I tried to express concern, but holding a child did make that difficult.

“Of course not. But there are claims already that your true purpose is another.”

My surprise was not faked. Those people were fast. I wondered what was going on in their heads. “I know of nothing, Mitth'orr'arash.” I turned my head in half the question I could ask without using my hands.

“It is said you have come to campaign for the gor'laan.” Thorra was unreadable. Her lor'kina was not actually shut down, but frozen in a neutral stance. “It is said that your true goal is his return.”

“A banishment can only be revoked by a unanimous vote of the Council of Houses,” I replied. “I am flattered that anybody should consider me capable of changing the minds of the appointed rulers of Csilla single-handedly.”

“That remains to be seen.” I was not sure what Thorra wanted to say with that. The mere idea that I might not be alone in my quest was heartening. Still the reception could have been warmer. “Your ship has been confiscated.” She made it look as if that was my fault. Maybe it was for not using one of the more Chissified vessels of the Empire of the Hand.

“As it should be,” I let her know. “I have been told that my belongings have been taken, though.” I wanted to indicated that I very much wanted my stuff back, but Sarah was very much in the way of that. So I just sighed inwardly and hoped things would proceed in a direction I liked. Naturally, they didn't.

“You cannot leave. But what if you cannot stay?”

Actually, I was more than ready to leave right then. Thorra was intimidating in a way Thrawn had never been. Yes, he was a twisted, smug, blue-skinned know-it-all, but in comparison with Thorra he had always been warm like a fatherly friend. I wondered if Csilla had frozen over because of the frosty attitude of its inhabitants. It did not seem that unlikely.

“If I cannot stay, I can leave, Mitth'orr'arash,” I replied as calm as I could. “I am sure my belongings are of enough value to refuel.”

There was the tiniest of glitters in her eyes. “Let us talk about that.” She led the way out of the room. I shot a glance at the guards, but they were unconcerned, staying right where they were. With a shrug I followed Thorra. I was also suddenly very concerned about soothing Sarah who had not liked the shrug at all. This was definitely too much tension for a baby.

Thorra led me back through the corridor I had come through, but instead of turning to the doors, she went straight ahead. Her pace quickened as she led through her private salon and study. I made a point of not looking. This was private territory and though I needed to pass through it right now, I had no rights to it.

We passed a last door and came to the official social rooms of the House. My absentee husband had obviously forgotten to tell me about the stained glass windows. I did what I could not to stare and keep my mouth shut. I was pretty sure the motives were stylised figures and scenes, but what really got me was that most of the glass was grey. Light greys and dark greys, marbled and clear. It looked as if I had dreamt it up, if I had ever had had the mind to think of something as amazingly beautiful as grey glass.

The room, and as such the window, was running along the whole face of the building and could be turned into a huge hall or compartmented into rooms of the necessary size of any social event. Right now they were walled of about in the middle. There was a lot of empty space ahead. And in the middle of the great hall sat my belongings.

Not that I took much note, because right next to my belongings, Rukh stood. He looked healthy and hale, but I was anxious even as we approached. He gave me a small nod and a weight I hadn't known about fell from my chest.

“Are you okay? Did they treat you well?” I asked him in basic.

Rukh nodded, just when Thorra cut in from behind.

“What are you talking?” She had not even stooped to the aäete this time, but straight out insulted me with aätekik.

I faced her slowly, putting as much dignity into the movement as I could. Thrawn would have done better preparing me to speak lor'kina with my hands full. “I have asked him if he is well, Mitt'orr'arash,” I said slowly. “I was not allowed to see him for a long time.”

“And you speak to him in a language we don't understand.” Another accusation.

“I do, Mitth'orr'arash, speak to him in a language _he_ understands. I am sorry if there are no translators around you trust.”

“He is of no importance,” she changed the topic. “What is all this?”

I bent down, though not very far, to give Sarah to Rukh. The Noghri took her with a practised ease that made me jealous. Speli had had to show me how to hold a child. Whatever else I was naturally good at, mothering was not it. I would take the time to be properly put out by that later.

For now I concentrated on the stacks of things in the middle of the room. I had not seen most of it before. There was furniture of polished wood, what I decided had to be art, and things for everyday use like plates and cutlery. All of it was unsurprisingly beautiful and right to my taste. I turned back to Thorra after surveying it. Despite its beauty and how much I might actually want it, I could easily do without all of this. My stupid, exiled husband knew me too well.

“It is my equipment for a new life, Mitth'orr'arash. Anything I might need or want.” I ran my fingers along some boxes that contained chocolate and tea if their labels were to be trusted. My damned husband could speak of luck he wasn't here right now to receive a friendly throttling from me.

“And what made you think you would need this?”

“I just wanted to be prepared, Mitth'orr'arash.” I indicated the furniture. “I have been living on space ships for the last years and not owning anything can make it seem prudent to bring whatever you can to a new place where you cannot be sure anything will be provided.” This was half an insult. I was very polite about I, though.

“The gor'laan has left his quarters intact,” Thorra told me. If Chiss were to get haughty, she was doing it right now. “Anything one can require for a life was his and is still.”

I pretended to consider this for a moment. “If I was allowed to pick up where he left, Mitth'orr'arash,” I finally said, “I would have no need of any of this.” I indicated the household stuff. “I will make an argument for a part of these, though,” I continued, pointing at the boxes of tea and chocolate. “But I will not compromise on that.” Rukh had had the foresight to take up position next to my personal belongings. The two suitcases and duffel bag looked tiny and lonely next to the stacks of goods.

“Is this so?” The forokintaän let her gaze sweep through the room. “It needs consideration.”

“I will wait, Mitth'orr'arash.” I began to wonder if people never got bothered by that full name crap. I was only doing it for twenty minutes now and had it up to here. I lowered myself to the ground beside Rukh, taking Sarah back.

“Now that could have gone better,” I sighed when we were alone.

“It has gone no different than expected,” he growled back.

“What I said,” I nodded. “But tell me, have they really treated you well?”

From what Rukh told my, they actually had. We exchanged our stories in low murmurs, coming up with likely scenarios and ways out of any mess conceivable.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	5. Chapter 4

When Thorra returned I had the distinct feeling that her absence had been more to observe some kind of protocol than because she had actually done any considering.

“The House has decided to let you stay and raise your daughter,” she proclaimed. “Any claim she has to our name, you have not. Time will tell if you ever will.”

I stood up while she made her little speech. It was a less than I had hoped for but I got to stay. So step one of the gazillion step plan implemented. Things could only look up from here.

“Your bodyguard may stay, if you vouch for him sufficiently.” There was a challenge in her stance for what had I to offer I could swear on.

With my hands free I could gesture a contract agreed on, turning my hands towards the Head of House Mitth to indicate I was offering. “I will vouch for him, forokintaän Mitth'orr'arash, with my life and the life of my daughter; I will vouch that he will not harm anybody,” I turned slightly, spreading my fingers a little to fill the pause with a condition not negotiable, “unless they try to harm my daughter or myself.”

She regarded me for a log moment, looked to Rukh who held Sarah like he had been born a frigging babysitter instead of killer machine. Tiny blue fingers tried to reach his face. Even this could not make him look harmless. He ignored me and the forokintaän as if our conversation had nothing to do with him.

“What makes you think you need this kind of protection?” Thorra demanded.

“Nothing, Mitth'orr'arash,” I replied. “Which is why I think everybody should be perfectly safe.”

After another moment she turned her own palms towards he body, draining all other body language away. The matter was closed. Finally. I didn't dare show my relief. “The fourth wing is currently empty. The gor'laan's successor has not yet chosen a merit-heir. You may live there until that happens.” She looked at Sarah. “It would have been hers to grow up in. I assume you have already chosen her attributes.”

I raised my hands in agreement.

“The name-giving will be small. Do not expect the core family to be all present.”

I agreed again. What else was there to do? And on the positive side, she had not challenged me to the attributes and I would likely get away with them. Which was as it should be because I had gotten used to calling her Sarah already.

I took the aforementioned from Rukh, slung my duffel bag over my shoulder and wondered if I could carry a suit case on top of that. Then I decided to rather go twice.

“Sawe.” Thorra left the way we had come.

It was not actually word of parting, but I appreciated it anyway. I found the stairs all on my own and trudged up with Rukh in tow. The upper level was as simplistically expensive as the lower had been. The polished floors gleamed and their inlay patterns meandered through the whole storey. I could not make out the places where walls would be put up if needed. I was sure, though, that the patterns would be as beautiful as they were now.

The doors to the private quarters were not quite hidden. They blended into the bronze wall, the pattern carved around the frame blended in with the alcoves spaced along the wall, but the browpiece gave it away.

Either Chiss knew no locks, or locked doors were impolite or you just didn't walk into people's flats even if you could. I would find out. Right then I was just happy that I didn't have to turn back and ask for keys. The study looked empty and forlorn. Clearly nobody had used it in a while. We crossed it and followed the short corridor into the private parlour. Throwing my bag into the sleeping room without looking much I went ahead.

“Will you be okay in the second nursery?” I asked Rukh. Thorra had been gracious enough to let him stay, but there were no provisions made for him. I wondered if he had ever had a home of his own. Or if he ever would. Another reason to succeed with this madness.

“I will be fine,” he assured me. The growled basic was tugging at my heartstrings. “I will also be close to Sarah in case of need.”

I nodded. The set up was probably sensible in some weird Chiss way. I'd just have to wrap my mind around it. And maybe find the Chiss equivalent of a baby monitor. The nursery looked barren. There was a crib. At least I thought it was. It looked like a stranded tree house, leaning against a wall with a canopy of some gauzy cloth. The mattress was at waist height, or would be if you were a normally grown Chiss. For me it was more rib height. But there was a rail probably high enough to prevent the baby from climbing out.

Rukh paced the room checking for things important to a bodyguard like exits, what was outside the window and where the walls might not be quite as wall-y as expected. He returned with a satisfied nod.

In the meantime I had rummaged the cupboards for blankets and pillows and things that might pass for clothing. There seemed to be enough of everything; there were even some toys. Building blocks looked the same everywhere, I guessed.

“I'm scared,” I confessed. I knew I should lay Sarah down in her new crib or leave her with Rukh and get the rest of my things, but I couldn't bear the thought of letting her go. Somehow I doubted that was due to burgeoning mothering skills and more because I was utterly afraid of being alone here. What had I gotten myself into?

“I can get the remaining suit cases,” Rukh offered.

Taking a deep breath, I shook my head. If I even started giving in to my fears, there would be no end to it. And where would that lead me? Not where I wanted to be for sure.

“I'll live.” It was almost a whisper. Then I laid my daughter down gently. Leaving her with Rukh in the room was no real solution, but at least I felt I could leave her like that. I measured my steps back to the main social rooms. Running would do no good. Nothing would do any good.

I grabbed the remaining bags trudging right back. Through the windows to my left I could see into the atrium and adjoining garden. Despite myself, I stopped and stared. A copse of gnarly trees were in full bloom, looking as if they had been smothered in white crocuses. I had always wanted a garden (one I did not have to take care of) with a magnolia. I set my lips into a hard line and blinked away the tears.

Since Rukh was looking after Sarah, I decided to stretch my anxiety to its limits and to start unpacking. The sleeping room was stylish. Not much more than a room to sleep in, though. Since it was nestled into the adjoining rooms there was no natural light. Gah, who was I fooling? There wasn't a ray of natural light on this whole godforsaken planet.

A huge bed dominated the room. Chiss were tall and it was reflected in the length of the bed. It was also surprisingly high. If I ever rolled out of this, I might just hurt myself bad. I would have to remember that. The frame was of a dark red-brown wood that contrasted with the bronze walls. Had Chiss never heard of wallpaper? I ran my hand over the stone.

There were shelves chiselled into the wall beside the head of the bed and a shelf and low chest of drawers lined the walls beside it. I wondered if I had anything to put there. What could you ever want close to your bed, when you were only there to sleep? Apart from kinky stuff which I definitely would not keep on an open shelf.

I sighed and dragged the suit cases into the closet opposite of the bathroom. The bathroom itself was irritating with its three doors. Still, there was a huge tub sitting against the far wall looking very inviting. Washbasins were locate at the sides of the door from the bed room. And there were more shelves and cupboards. I hoped they were already stacked with a few towels because I had no idea if Thrawn or Stent had packed any. I sure hadn't.

The closet was huge. Even with the now considerable amount of clothing I owned it looked empty. Maybe my estimation of 'a lot of clothes' was just off. I considered four pairs of trousers to be quite a lot. I could put ten times that in here and still have barely scratched the surface.

Finally I returned to the nursery. “You can go and unpack,” said, glancing at my sleeping child. She took this better than me, that much was sure.

“I already have,” Rukh replied.

I opened my mouth. Then I closed it again. He had made his point and what was I going to do, really? Snap at him? I sat down next to the crib instead. “I don't know what to do next.”

“What do you want to do?”

Return to the _Chimaera_ , or maybe to Nirauan at least. Neither was an option, though. There had to be something I could realistically do. Explore the flat? I did not feel like that. It looked empty and un-lived in. Hotel rooms had more of a personal touch. I remembered the trees.

“I want to see the garden.” I got up. Through the window I could see a piece of grey marble sky. It felt uncomfortably close. I wondered how far it really was. A few hundred meters, a kilometre, even more? How far was the sky on earth? And how would you measure that, considering there was no fixed barrier that had 'sky' written all over it.

For a moment I wondered whether to take Sarah along or not. But how could I leave her here, when I only could only guess at how she would be taken care off. And when I was in the garden, I would not hear her wake up. And I did not intend to leave Rukh behind. It was not as if I was going to climb trees. Or if I really had to, I could still trust Rukh with Sarah.

“Sorry, kid,” I mumbled as I picked her up again.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sawe - up, upstairs


	6. Chapter 5

The gardens were amazing and I was instantly in love. The copse of blooming trees turned out to be but part of an arrangement that separated the formal garden between the wings of the house from a more landscape garden part further back. The meticulously kept flower beds in the first part reminded me of the geometric gardens in French châteaus. All of the flowers seemed to be blooming and the air was heavily scented with sweet and strange, foreign smells.

The paths we followed were paved, but even in a way to be eerie. The stone was not of the warm bronze the house had been built with. They mirrored the grey coloured glass windows with patterns that meant nothing to me. Now and then muted hues of burgundy wound into the grey, looping, meandering and vanishing again.

The ground rose slightly, falling gently towards an actual pond. Why the hell had Thrawn never lost a word about any of this? Okay, gardens were strictly recreational here and there was no way you could make a statement with them, but bloody hell, if this wasn't a statement, I didn't know what was.

The whole planet lived underground! Space was scarce, valuable, luxury. And yet here it was, squandered on a spacious private garden. At the side of the pond a huge tree with drooping branches stood, it's leaves greyish teal contrasting wildly with the dark red-brown bark. Something smelled dazingly of lilies of the valley and roses.

I pushed away the long branches and found that somebody here was thinking very like me. A small bench stood against the trunk, big enough for two people who wanted to sit close to each other. I didn't want to sit. Instead I looked at Rukh whose face betrayed nothing. The swaying wall of leaves gave the impression of perfect privacy.

I was about to wonder why Thrawn had never mentioned any of this, because that bastard had reasons for everything, when the branches on the opposite were lifted and a Chiss woman stepped under the canopy. She looked old, her hair was greying. I had never heard of that but it was good to know that should I grow old and die here, at least my hair would assimilate nicely.

Deep lines accentuated a face that had seen hard decisions. She did not look hard, but she was definitely not one to take lightly. She wore a casual shirt and wide trousers in burgundy, an almost invisible grey pattern was either printed or stitched onto the fabric. It was nothing official. Another oversight of my dear husband. Chiss casual clothes.

I lowered my head, assuming that submission was a good idea no matter who she was. With my status, I would show submission to the least of the household personnel, provided there was any.

She scrutinised me closely. Her eyes seemed to burn right through me and if she had been a blood relative, I would have known where Thrawn had that from. “Aäete'keth'ua”, _you're it_ , she said finally.

Oh yes, I was not a she, I was an it. I was not only a non-person without status and built-in imperative, I was also an it. As well as I could with my arms full, I agreed. I didn't know what to answer, especially since I had no name to attach to the sentence. Considering my non-status that would be utterly rude. It was a very neat trick to keep people silent, I realised.

The woman walked around me, looking over Rukh on her way. When she came to a halt in front of me again, she tilted her head back and held out her hands in an order.

I blinked slowly to express my resentment and handed over Sarah just as slowly.

“Her attributes?” She didn't even look up.

But she would, eventually, when I didn't answer. I turned my shoulder in the opposite as my hips and curled my fingers to add a question to my confusion. How _could_ I answer her without breaking protocol?

When I did not reply, the Chiss woman looked up, studied my stance and raised a brow. That seemed to be an indicator of a question anywhere. “You can speak to me.”

“I have no name to address you with.” I plastered respect all over myself. This was forward.

“You are family.” I wondered how I could be aäete and still family.

A small, very short and bitter smile flickered over my lips. “I am not,” I replied apologetically. “She is.” I indicated Sarah with a glance.

The burning eyes wandered from me to my daughter who had the hopefully good timing for opening her own and reaching for the shiny above her. I'd never get over the size of her tiny fingers. “Chaätik” _half-blood_ , the woman insulted my child. And there was nothing I could do. “She won't have it easy.”

I found myself looking into her glowing eyes again. “Nobody ever does.” I felt my muscles beginning to cramp from being forced into respectful submission for so long. The lor'kina was supposed to be fluid.

“No, we don't.” Despite Sarah being a despicable half-blood, she was allowed to play with a long, blue finger. Sarah tried to eat it without much success. I wondered why the woman allowed it. She was by far not old enough to be senile, not in this universe. “Have you chosen her attributes already?”

That seemed to be a real big thing. I had known it would be somewhat of interest, but I slowly got the feeling it was downright important. “We have.”

That earned me another of those stares. Was it because we had chosen already or because I had let slip that I had not chosen alone? I wished I could make more sense of the Chiss.

“Tell me.” She left no space for excuses. I hoped that counted for something in case it was not allowed or frowned upon or putting me into a bad light any other way. Not that anybody apart from me was likely to care.

“Aped'lad'ikar, rokat, ape'tiker.” _Wisdom through experience, Endurance, Forgiveness._ We had even managed to give her an attribute from each parent, provided I ever got a Chiss name for myself. It was all very clever, even if I felt like a walking cliché for contributing the forgiveness to Sarah's name while Thrawn gave the endurance. There were some things that ended up like that because life did not adhere to any standard of educational example.

“Good.” She returned my daughter. “You can call me Mitth'kel'arash. Barring the option to call you aätekik, what is suitable?”

“Lanna, Mitth'kel'arash.”

“In the end, that will not do.” She gave me a last once-over and left in the direction of the house.

I decided that maybe sitting down was not the worst ideas of all. I stared balefully at Rukh, but he only shrugged. I played a little with Sarah to calm myself, making funny noises when it became clear the my eyes lacked the shiny-factor she expected. Poor little sod.

“She is on your side, though.” Rukh crouched down beside me. “If there is any faction in the anero against you at all.”

I envied him his certainty. But then, unlike most daughters in law I had not come to take their son from them. Quite to the contrary. They would be busy making plans of their own right now. All I could think of was surviving the day. And maybe the week. And then maybe another.

“They are very different from what I expected,” I murmured.

“You can easily adapt to the familiar context without repercussions,” my bodyguard lectured me. "A mistake in public is not that easy to redeem.”

“True.” As so often I just wished to curl up and wait until everything was over. But this was life and as an option curling up and waiting until it was over was a very bad one. So we toured the rest of the garden instead. The end was hidden cleverly by high plants you could sometimes call trees. But there was definitely a high fence and the 'sky' felt close enough to touch. The thin film of water on the ice made it shine more brightly this close up.

We found some more small benches tucked away in quiet corners, the park version of a forest including some rocks and a waterfall, a meadow abounding in 'wild' flowers, things like that. Rukh suggested doing some easy and slow forms to keep my muscles smooth but I didn't want to put Sarah down on foreign soil. The shared parlour turned out to be big enough for the exercise. It would still suffice when I got back to more lively sports. The fact that I was looking forward to that had me worried. But then it was time for dinner and I had to save up all my worries for that.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	7. Chapter 6

Dinner had gone surprisingly well. For one thing, not everybody of the First Family was present. Mitth'kel'arash's husband was dead, so he was excused. Mitth'orr'arash, who had taken Thrawn's place, was there with her husband, Mitth'irb'arash, but their three children were out. The eldest on a project at the headquarters of the Chiss Expansionary Defense Fleet at Naporar, one completing training at the military academy and the youngest at boarding school on Copero. Somehow I remembered family life differently.

The food was simple in comparison to what my dear ex Grand Admiral had put me through. A choice of warm and cold sauces, things to dip into them, or break into pieces and eat once they were soaked and funny plates with many shallow dents to hoard the sauces and foods. It was all very foreign. I wondered what they would think about a sandwich.

Conversation was also easy. Nobody actually asked me anything, so I did not have to answer. Thirba had introduced himself so I could address anybody should I feel like it which I didn't. Instead I tried to listen to the Cheunh flowing over my head like a fast river. Nobody bothered to slow down any or use less contracted versions as Stent and the others on Nirauan had done. Half the time I felt properly lost.

Add to that, that I had only the barest idea what they were actually talking about and you had my dinner in a nutshell.

“Thkela said your chosen attributes are acceptable,” Thorra addressed me towards the end of the meal.

“That is very kind of her.” I prayed that the intonation had been correct and there had been an audible separation of the two 'a's. It was so easy to insult people with their pronouns here. But using full names to avoid that was weakness and gave you an even worse standing. Since the table did not break into a riot, I guessed that I had been close enough.

The silence threatening to swallow me told me that _some_ thing was still off. I was pretty certain Thorra and Thkela were discussing something with their body language and Thorra prevailed which was not surprising seeing how she was the forokintaän. Thkela accepted what was possibly a responsibility but did not look too beat. Thirba ignored them, probably aware of the subject. I would have a lot to brush up on if I wanted to hold my own.

“Since we are all here, we can make them official now,” Thorra announced.

Stumped again. I would have known exactly what to do at an official event for this. Sitting over a half-finished dessert (non-chocolate) put me at an extreme disadvantage again. I wrecked my brain for a possible adoption of the ceremony. To gain more time, I put down the cutlery neatly and spread my fingers before me with the palms facing down. Sarah was not even here, but with Rukh back in our rooms.

I bowed my head, still looking at them and repeated the words in my head a few times. I really should not be this nervous. Trying to make a good impression would hinder me as much as it would do anything else, likely more so. Slowly I raised my head and turned my hands to be at a right angles with the ground. If I was to make an official statement, I would make it as an equal.

“Aped'lad'ikar, rokat, nok ape'tiker.” I made the required pause. “For wisdom without kindness is nothing and only endurance will lead her there.”

For the first time I had the feeling that Thirba actually noticed I was there. All of them raised their hands slightly, showing their palms in acceptance. And that was that. At least it meant I would not have to face a big group of Chiss from this House and others for the name-giving ceremony. I had to look at the up side.

And I could tell somebody about it. Though Rukh didn't offer any interpretation, just being able to talk about the incident made me feel better. The problem of a room and two halls between Sarah and me had not been solved.

“I have researched." Rukh surprised me yet again. “The problem does not usually arise as the children have a nursemaid who will stay with them.”

I looked around but found nowhere for the imaginary nursemaid to sleep. The room opposite the hall was supposedly a nursery as well. I wondered if a bed of appropriate size was in it and if it would be possible to carry over here. Then I did the other thing I could think of. “Where would she sleep?” I asked Rukh.

He showed all his teeth in that endearing smile of sudden death. “You are not completely a lost case.”

“If you refer to my inability to ask for help when needed, you might be right. But I am still trying to solve everything on my own first.”

“I have been told that the social structures of the Chiss society will work wonders on this.” He walked down into the playing corner where he reached out for the border that ran around the room. With a short twist the wall was convinced to spit out a bed big enough for a Chiss to sleep on comfortably.

“Oh.”

“Nobody needs to mention the universally known,” he said.

“I feel bad that you don't have your own place. Again.” Would he forever be living in rooms close to mine? The idea still rubbed me all wrong.

“I have chosen,” he just said. “And it is not up to you to judge my choice. I have slept in places much worse. You can alleviate your conscience by achieving your mission as soon as possible and rendering retirement on the new home planet of the Noghri possible to me.”

“I will.” Not that I believed for a second he would go. Especially if he believed there was still some danger for me or Sarah he could avert. Getting a child had seemed a logical enough thing considering this plan. I should have, maybe, thought about what that meant for Rukh, though.

“You will put your own life before hers,” he had explained. “That makes it imperative for me to protect her as well.”

And he was right. Probably. Possibly. Soon enough. I looked down at my sleeping daughter and was not quite sure I wanted to die in her stead. But then I had only had her for a few days. “If she dies, I must leave,” I murmured.

“Another reason to keep her safe.” Rukh appeared at my side. “And by the time you can stay even if she is gone, you will take the planet apart in revenge, with a spoon if necessary.”

I tried to smile. “I wished I had your certainty.”

“You will.”

He was probably seeing that in my eyes or the way I was tempted to stroke her face. “And what if I fail? What if I am the most horrible mother ever?”

“House Mitth will make up for that.” I really should know better than asking questions like that. I only got answers that were true.

I chuckled. “Thank heaven for small favours. I bet they will.”

I left the two of them alone, not sure if that was betrayal or not. But I had a bed waiting in quite another room. A huge room. A room that looked as if it had sprung from a catalogue. A room that definitely felt as if nobody had ever lived in it. I sat down on the bed and dangled my legs. Now this was a strange feeling.

For a while I just stared at the empty shelf. Its emptiness was accentuated by my meagre possessions lined up on one board. A stone, a twig, some tea. I would have to inquire after my knife and blasters, maybe even the lightsaber. Carefully I took out my earrings and placed them beside the stone. It did not help the overall impression. I wondered if things would improve after my next birthday. Not that the last had helped. Not that I even knew when the next was coming up.

I tried to work it out while I got ready for bed. The bathroom was as big and empty as the sleeping room. Possibly even more so as it was obviously designed for two people using it as the same time. Even with my things neatly lined up beside one washbasin, the other screamed it's unused state at me. Since I could not work out when my next birthday was due, I tried to imagine living here with Thrawn.

That amused me for a while until I realised I had nothing really to work with. I didn't even know how to live a normal day here. With a sigh, I tried to fall face forward into bed but I just hurt my knees. If I ever needed to go to bed wasted that would be a challenge. The blankets were blankets of a kind I had never imagined because I did not like them. They were thin like woollen blankets but smooth like sheets. Still I pulled it up to my nose and tried to sleep in the big emptiness that was my new home.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	8. Chapter 7

When Rukh woke me in the middle of the night because Sarah wanted me, it was the first of many times I fell out of bed painfully. It really hurt and heaven knows how I managed to almost sprain my ankle. The learning curve seemed to take place on the negative side of the scale though, because that kept happening to me night after night.

And when I did get up in the morning, because that was what people do in the mornings, I was so groggy that I just dropped to the floor again anyways. I found the dining room where it had been on the first evening most of the days. It made sense that the common rooms were within the main social tract. Of course that meant they were appropriated when necessary. And it was necessary quite a lot. House Mitth was sporting an extensive social life as far as I could tell from where I stood.

Contact to the members of the House was sporadic. There seemed to be nothing like a fixed routine to anything and I was mostly left to myself. So I mostly walked the gardens, amused myself with Sarah, or the other way round and read newspapers. That gave me an inkling as to why nobody was paying me much attention at the moment. There was a huge debate going on. Because of me.

It seemed that my entrance had sparked a discussion about my exiled husband and there were indeed loud voices clamouring for his return. Times were not easy on the Ascendancy and even from my restricted knowledge it was clear that it was hard pressed on more than one border. The colonies were clamouring for more protection which the core could not deliver without changing the whole power balance.

If the Chiss Expansionary Defense Fleet was to be extended, House Mitth would gain quite a lot influence. Of course the House was more than willing to yield some of its responsibilities to House Nuruodo which was responsible for the inner security. That did not make many of the other Ruling Families happy because the Houses were very close as it was already. Covetousness bloomed all around.

And I hid behind the walls of House Mitth's anero which did nothing to lessen the conflict. Who was I anyway and on what grounds had I been allowed? Was this not an outrage in itself? There was a lot of noise about how I had managed to sneak into Chiss society on a pretence and how I would undermine everything. It was actually quite flattering.

“They are making a faulty argument and they know it,” Thkela told me. We were sitting in her favourite spot in the garden, a small bench near the waterfall. If you sat down with your back to it, you could see the anero rise up behind the copse of blooming trees.

“But why make it all all?” I wondered. Of all people in the House, Thkela was the one talking to me more or less regularly.

A small smile crept over her lips. “Because otherwise there would be no argument.”

I mulled this over. Did she try to imply that the controversy was facilitated? That somebody was holding up one side with unreasonable arguments so the other side could state its case? I did not put it beyond them. “Is it not a little to early for shadow fights?”

One of our first conversations had been a compelling instruction to drop the formal pronouns in a familial setting. It was insulting and I was in no position to insult anybody. I might not have a name, but that was no reason to sulk. Obviously the absence of an audience granted the use of the common pronouns. I had perked up and decided that my life might be much easier than anticipated.

In general it seemed that the protocol I had been drilled to follow did not apply to familial settings. There were no clothes showing your status. Shirts and trousers were generally burgundy with patterns of ones liking, but as long as you did not show your butt outside, you could wear any colour and pattern you liked. My sensible jumpsuits from the _Chimaera_ would do just fine. I would not be going anywhere for a while.

“You have no idea how to move in this society,” Thkela said and I had to agree. “How do we keep you from it?”

“Tradition, Mitth'kel'arash,” I had replied, which had led to the lecture of respect, decorum and familial settings. “It is tradition where I come from,” I had continued some time later, “that the mother stays with her child for some time.”

“She does not work?” There was incredulity in her tone. “Who can substitute for a member of a member of a ne'weëran'ok?”

I got the feeling that jobs were more of a vocation here than I was used to. That sounded suspiciously like no holidays ever. “There are no Ruling Families,” I tried to explain. And really didn't know what to say because I didn't know whether to explain the political system of Germany or what I had seen in the Empire. I doubted I could explain either very well. “And somebody has to be able to substitute in case of illness or absence.”

“Sick people can be contacted and absence can be planned for,” Thkela replied, but she got my meaning. “You cannot be contacted and neither have you been planned for.”

“Who would contact me anyway, Mitth'kle'arash?” I bit my tongue and was full of apology. This habit would be difficult to break.

“You would be surprised,” her tone was hard. Obviously people that were not approved of planned to use me for schemes that were also not approved of. The longer I could hide the better. “And who would you contact, given the chance?”

I thought for a moment. “Nuruodo'kar'anasi,” I finally said. “Chaf'orm'bintrao.”

“Indeed.” The topic was closed with that and I was once again wondering what I had inadvertently said without meaning to.

Still, later that day it was decided that adhering to traditions of my own people I would stay with my child for the first six months of her life. It would lead to a lot of talk, but nobody could deny that my daughter was a child of two worlds and would get more than her share of Chiss culture soon enough. Also, scandal-mongering implied it would be difficult to find a nursemaid willing to take that bastard on.

So I lived like a recluse with little to do but keep up with the news and talking to Thkela now and then. It should have been really boring. To my surprise it wasn't, despite the sketchy sleeping schedule of Sarah, though that seemed to be improving now and then. Of course that was kind of easy to achieve as I had no other responsibilities to juggle with her. She woke up, I got up. She was hungry, I fed her. She was awake, I'd amuse her. She got cranky, I sang her to sleep. The new lyrics to her lullaby were taking shape nicely.

When I was not reading, talking to Thkela or sleeping, Rukh was taking care of my shape that had suffered under the pregnancy. He was teaching me some kind of battle tai chi chuan which took it all out of your muscles if you did it real slow. It was no substitute for my martial arts training with Arn or my squad, but it beat doing nothing.

I settled into an unsteady rhythm that reminded me painfully of my early time on the Chimaera. Gods, how I missed that sorry excuse for a warship as I lay alone on the bed trying my hardest not to cry. It didn't work. I wanted to cry because I felt all alone and lost and sorry for myself. This was so pathetic. Where had this reaction been when I had come to the _Chim_ _a_ _era_? When that had been a lot further in time and space than this was f rom it.

The _Chimaera_.  
Home.  
Thrawn.

I put an arm over my eyes. Given a choice, I'd return immediately, no questions asked. I missed him. God forgive me, but I really missed him.

Each night I climbed into a huge bed that was cold and empty and made for two. And I thought how nice it would be to flop down on the low bed in Thrawn's quarters and _know_ that I was not alone. And I wondered if I ever crossed his mind. Like ever. And then I hurt all over again and wished I hadn't gone there (again).

But I did, each night when I was all alone in the dark that no dim red glow alleviated. I'd have to earn that. But with each day that passed, I believed that I could less.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	9. Chapter 8

After a few weeks the hubbub died down again. I had issued a statement explaining how I was very grateful for all the consideration I received but that it was quite wrong to put me at the centre of a discussion I wouldn’t want to instigate and could impossibly partake in seeing how I was hopelessly biased. Also I was of the firm conviction that if any rules were to be remade or decisions undone that would have to be because it was necessary for the well-being of the Chiss and not because some people wanted to even old scores. Or because one child was growing up without a father. It was received well enough and people went off to form opinions of me.

In the meantime, the opinion Thorra had of me was to be improved by actually meeting the tight schedule she and Thkela had set for my development. I was allowed to watch some of the official events without being see. It was quite an education.

Watching one Chiss using the lor'kina even when you couldn't hear him actually speak was like listening to half a conversation. Watching two of them, even if separated by the whole room was like listening to a whole conversation. I felt painfully underequipped. Even if I was to spend every waking second with somebody to teach me, I would not be on par by the time I had to leave this comfortable seclusion.

And comfortable it was. Despite popular belief a nursemaid had been found very quickly. She had arranged herself with Rukh quietly and neither had ever mentioned it to me. It put me quite out of business, especially the easier kinds like changing napkins. That was smelly, but at least I knew what to do. I was not sure how to raise a little bundle of blue that could do nothing but look at me, grasp and make funny noises.

Unlike her, I understood the constant criticism, though. Why did she not start babbling already and though it was nice that she could hold her head up, she should keep it up a lot longer? And really her grip should be much more coordinated.

I had no basis for comparison. The poor kid was only a few weeks old. What were you supposed to do? I think I liked the smiling ans she did start to actually see. Also, as far a I was concerned her gurgling and ululating was rather intelligible. Okay, after getting up three times a night I might be too cranky to care, but that was getting less. All in all, I did not feel like an utter failure.

“She will always be slower in her development,” I explained again. “That's the human part in her. We mature a lot slower, reaching adulthood at eighteen or later.”

“But what do you do with all that time?” Thkela held Sarah for the time being.

“Go through adolescence,” I replied without thinking. I had good half an hour of work before the concept was fully understood. Thkela considered it a quite unnecessary stage of life. I agreed, not that it had helped me any. “I am not sure that compressing all this turmoil into a year does improve it any,” I decided.

“We will see,” she said, still optimistic that Sarah was just lagging a bit now but would get her act together. “It will be difficult to get her through the education system.”

It would be difficult to get her in tune with anything. And if the Fels were ever allowed on planet for a holiday... Why did things have to be so complicated?

“Because the Empire of the Hand,” the Cheunh for that was foroki'tanerotye'par and that made me happy I would not have to use it often, “is not a welcome concept here. It may be quite successful keeping one of our flanks clear, but its military doctrine is unacceptable.” Thkela made a short pause. “We understand his train of thought, and commend his dedication, but that doesn't mean we endorse his belief.”

He was of course Thrawn. I had gotten used to it fast. If it was obviously my exiled who was meant, the simple _yia_ was used. Not even a form indicating he was now of a lower family, or actually none at all. If there was a great unknown 'he' around, that was my husband. It was an uncomplicated way to express that at least in private the social excision was understood but not endorsed, as Thkela would say.

I liked her. She was tough and had a no-nonsense attitude. I guess you needed that to keep a Ruling Family together and in business. And while this was Thorra's job now, it was still up to Thkela to make sure all pieces fit. She sure had her hands full with me and my slowpoke of a daughter. “Your bodyguard will protect her as well?”

“Yes. Seeing how I would give my life to protect hers, he considers it easier to make sure she is safe, too, instead of saving me from saving her and saving her at the same time. It seems like a logical concept.”

“He will need to understand our language,” she went on. “A few words to speak won't hurt either.”

“Shall I teach him or do you want to appoint a teacher?” I made sure my body language indicated that I offered to do this and thought nothing of it.

“It might be wise to keep the extent of his understanding hidden for now.” Thkela gave me a pointed look.

I lowered my head in understanding and submission. It also conveniently covered my relief. “I will do my best.”

“It has also been decided that it is unwise to converse with Chaf'orm'bintrano.”

I was not sure how surprised I was. “Why?”

“He is not, let us say a friend of the Family.” Thkela handed me back my sleeping child abruptly enough to wake her.

I tried to calm the plaintive wail with some success and could thus understand her as she continued.

“House Chaf is important in its role of foreign affairs, but too often they cannot keep the borders clear between what is military and what is civilian.” She stood up and straightened her clothes. Yet another ensemble of dark red, looking like somebody had used too much softener on brocade. “We have many disagreements and Chaf'orm'bintrano argues strongly.”

Okay. So whatever had turned angry, young Formbi from Outbound Flight into wise, nice Formbi from Survivor's Quest had not happened yet. Too bad that I could not, or would not, wait for that. Still I agreed. Once let loose on the Chiss society I would do as I pleased anyway. I allowed Sarah to chew up my finger with her hard gums as it kept her quiet.

“A choice of favourable contacts will be created. This way you can ease your way into society without embarrassing anybody who matters.”

When Stent had been so full of praise for my formal skills. They were not practised much on Nirauan, seeing how they tended to get into the way of military efficiency. Stent had actually made fun of me for approaching him all formal. I thought of him wistfully. I would have gotten along with him splendidly had I not been handicapped with an advanced pregnancy which had made me unreliable in all respects.

“How can House Chaf be our second ally, if they disagree with us so much?” I wanted to know.

“The allegiances depend on shared interest as much as on tradition,” Thkela explained. “Before House Prard took over trade from House Tiar, the Chaf Family was hoping to add it to their responsibilities. Trade would intertwine well with foreign affairs and the possibilities of trade in an expanding Ascendancy are very promising.

“But when Tiar fell, Prard stepped up and House Chaf had to find another ambition. Since they cannot fall back on trade with places in Space Beyond, they want to carve a piece from the military operations out there.” She left me with my thoughts and the

Space Beyond. It sounded like a fairy tale place. But actually it was only known space. Perspective was everything. And Thkela was right. Provided trade was taken up with space beyond, be it the Republic, the Empire or the Hutts, it would be mightily profitable. More so than any military operation could hope to be. Come to think of it, the Houses with most to lose if the Ascendancy opened to known space were Csapla and Nuruodo.

I let Sarah do the biting of nails while I sat thinking and listening to the tinkling of the waterfall. It was easy, wasn't it? All I had to do was make sure Chaf got their trade after all and that Mitth was assigned with the greater amount of military necessary while giving less interesting tasks to Nuruodo. How did you even abolish a Ruling Family? I didn't think that even wiping all of them out would do.

And how would you go about that anyway if it was a meritocracy. If you missed but one member of the family, they'd just merit-adopt everybody they needed right back. _Something easy with pasta_ from Pratchett was still haunting my mind when Sara decided that my finger was not actually edible enough to be satisfactory.

Whatever. Walking back to the mansion would likely put her back to sleep. And I needed to talk to Rukh. I was not sure if Thkela suspected anything, she had not accused me of anything, but it was better to be safe than sorry. I felt the urge to beat up something or get beat up some and decided that I was going back to normal. Maybe I could get Lyk back some day to fill in that part of my life. He'd do exceptionally well.

Rukh agreed that we better start the official language lessons immediately. I put Sarah down on the sofa and got out the gasha board.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	10. Chapter 9

The kids were home for Diaspora Day. Not mine, obviously, but that of Thorra and her daughter Thikoa. It was strange and somewhat unsettling to see something like an actual bloodline. But now and then the child of a family would turn out to merit the position and also wanting it. Thikoa had done just that and thus kept her original parents. I wondered if it felt odd to her.

Her kids were still all hers because they were not grown out of the House yet or not merged into another. The moment Thikoa chose a merit child to follow her as head of House Mitth, erm I actually wasn't quite sure what would happen then. I was certain that the rooms reserved for that person were currently occupied by me.

But there was time. Thorra was still doing the leading and not looking as if she would tire of it any time soon. And once that had happened, Thikoa still had a few years to chose. So it was more than likely that her blood children by then belonged to other families. Right now they tread around me warily, staring as if they had never seen an alien before. They probably hadn't. Sarah fared better, at least until she opened her eyes in public and denounced herself as half-alien.

It was still a stumbling block that she had not started babbling yet. Sometimes I got the feeling Thorra and Thkela were counting the days until she uttered the first recognisable syllable. I was worried more about Sarah turning into a Hutt. She was podgy all over with no signs to change any time soon. I hope that with a growth spurt that would change, but she showed no signs of growing either.

At night I prayed to whatever gods would listen that my child would not grow up to my tiny size in a society that was 15 centimetres taller than me on average. She had it hard enough without being a dwarf. At least she was charming. If toothless smiles were charming. I definitely thought so.

Thenga, Tholia and Thatha were not sure if it was charming or disturbing. They were polite towards me if not actually respectful. They talked to me, but sometimes I felt it was just a good excuse to use the 'āe' pronoun on a person. The only Family lower than Mitth was Prard and the contact between the two families was not especially close.

I decided not to do anything about it and get used to it already. There was no telling what normal Chiss would do who were not somewhat familial bound to be somewhat nice.

I was excused from most evening events anyway. Not only were most in an official setting because it was rare to get the whole family in one go, Sarah was also getting more and more grumpy in the evening. What I had done to deserve this I knew not. I spent a lot of time trying to get her to sleep because if I didn't she'd just be worse the day after.

Still I guessed the worst was yet to come. When she was asleep, I could just put her down and do whatever. As long as I made sure she couldn't roll away. I began to paint again because I was not overly invested in it anyway and it was something to do until Sarah woke up again.

Also it gave me a Thatha some common ground. She could criticise what I had painted and I gawked at her paintings. It showed that Chiss kids started early with their arting. They also matured so much faster that with her eleven years Thatha was already attending the military academy. The thought that somebody might force that lifestyle on Sarah was worrying me.

I watched a Thatha created a stunning portrait of the completely blue features. The black, well almost hair had fallen out but since nobody freaked out about this, I decided to keep quiet as well. And it meant I did not have to wash her hair which was nice, especially when she decided that she did not like water at all.

“Those eyes are difficult,” Thata stated. “They are not contrasting with her skin at all. How is anybody to know where she is facing?”

“It will be easier when the hair comes back,” I said. “The hairless bit will be her face.” Man, I was so lucky I hadn't had a son who might have grown a beard. Not that anybody here got the idea of a beard. Hair in your face? Disgusting. I tended to agree, so that was fine.

“And I would say the same about your red eyes,” I went on. “I am just not used to eyes that glow and have no pupils.”

“That makes it easier,” she argued and she did have a point.

“I always get the glow wrong,” I said instead. It was nice to talk about something else than decorum and politics.

Thatha looked at me for a long while. “How can you see it at all? I mean, your eyes don't look as if they did infra-red.”

“They don't,” I agreed.

“But you see the changes,” her eyes flashed suddenly.

“I saw that.” I wondered what she was getting at.

“And you keep Nuruodo well apart from our colour.”

“Is that a problem?” I wanted to know.

“No, that's infra-red.” She returned to her painting.

Well now that was worrying. I wanted to retreat into my head and think this through but obviously I couldn't there and then. “Must be somewhat able to after all,” I said out loud. “I'm sure it's much more pronounced for you, though. It's a very useful thing to see warmer bits when your planet is so cold.”

And so we went on. I kept Sarah entertained enough to keep her eyes open and in the end had an amazing painting. It might have been the Chiss equivalent of the baby on the bear's pelt but what did I care? “I'll put it up in here,” I said, scouring the wall for likely places.

“It's going to look quite lonely.”

“You can paint me a series with one painting each year. That would make a nice progression.” I could see her mull it over.

“For as long as I come here for Diaspora, why not.”

“That's great, thank you.” I accompanied that with the proper lor'kina to express I was serious. The Chiss seemed to have a 'natural' body language which I would never know more about, but in informal settings they still used the lor'kina to make a point. “Is there a reason you might not return in sight already?”

“Not sure.” She cleaned her brushes. “And you would not be the first to know.”

“Doesn't mean I can't be the first to ask.”

Thatha left in a faked huff as Sarah made her hunger known loudly. “At least you waited politely almost until she left,” I told her. “You might even develop some manners one day.”

But other things happened. With the children assemble my cargo was finally being distributed. I got a fine chunk of the tea and chocolate. It put me off asking for my weapons back for the time being. It also proved me to be a complete idiot and uncultured lump because I had no qualms opening and eating the first chocolate bar right there and then. Decorum be fragged. It had been fucking weeks!

I was sorting my new treasure into shelves all over the flat when an unexpected guest announced herself. Thkela stood in the door to my private parlour with a small box in her hands.

“Do come in,” I bid her hastily.

She entered, looking around. There was not much to see. I didn't own enough to change the look of this place any. I had some of my paintings stacked against a wall because I didn't know what to do with them. They were certainly too ugly to hang up.

“Can I offer you anything?” It was out before I realised I actually had nothing to offer, not counting the chocolate.

“An explanation,” she replied, holding out the box.

I took it warily. It was light and not that big. A label had been attached to it saying: for my wife. Well now. That was unexpected. I was almost too terrified to open the lid. But I did because I was being watched and who was I to be afraid of my own husband? Or even just his presents. Oh dear.

I almost sighed in relief when the item inside turned out to be nothing more than a fluffy blanket. That smug bastard. I put the box down and shook the blanket. It was thin and light, but very, very soft. It was also rather big. I would have no trouble at all pulling that tight around my toes and over my head at the same time. I smiled.

“He knows me well.” I folded up the blanket and refrained from sniffing it. Even if Thrawn had tried to infuse it with his scent, which I would have noticed, it would have worn off after so many weeks in a box. “I tend to be cold. And I like to curl up and feel – protected.” It was not the whole truth but Thkela might deduct my blanket-cuddling tendencies without being told about them outright.

“It was in one of the boxes you willingly gave way.” It was a question, watching her body language, one I better answer correctly.

“He also knows you well,” I lowered my head.

“If he knows how everybody will react so well, why is he not here now?”

“I think he improved after leaving.” And somehow I was not really certain what had gone on all those years back. The story seemed convoluted and complicated beyond understanding.

“You cannot change the past.” Thkela closed the matter with a decided turn of her hands.

“All we can do is create the best future possible from now,” I agreed. I still had no idea how to influence anybody towards revoking the exile. Even if there were only seventy people on the Council of Houses a unanimous vote would be near impossible.

The solution was still not one bit clearer when I went to bed. I had gotten used to the height of the bed, not only because having to get up several times a night left quite an impression when you fell on your face from this high up each time. But I still didn't consider the place home. It was where I stayed and where I be staying for quite a while. But it was not home. It certainly was not homely.

If there was some kind of economy on Csilla, which I strongly suspected, I had seen no part of it. No money, no price tag, not invoice or bill. I had not left the house either except to roam the garden so I didn't know which kinds of shows there were and where they were. Consequently I had not acquired a single new item. Until now.

That smug bastard. I curled up under my brand new fluffy blanket. He knew, alright. I tried to breathe regularly. I failed. There had not been much time to think about him yet. His name was never mentioned and that had rubbed off on me surprisingly fast. I was too tired to think when I went to bed and usually for a while after getting up. I was kept busy. I didn't think.

Now I had time and reason to think. What was the idiot thinking sending me something like this? He knew – of course he knew. I tried to be very, very angry. Instead I sobbed into my pillow in a small and lonely fashion.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	11. Chapter 10

The first half of my chosen imprisonment was over and there were still no signs that I would ever interact with the outside world. Thkela did tell me a lot about it, though more about the metaphysical make-up of it than profane things like streets, shops or bars. Now bars was a very nice idea.

Not that Thkela would let me go anywhere outside a controlled setting until I could use my lor'kina proper. With Thrawn that had been easy. There was only one person to direct it at, because he was the only one able to read it. On Csilla, everybody understood. And there were things I was not supposed to shout across the room in unguarded gestures. While I got the idea I was not sure what to do about it.

The first step was to keep in mind who was standing were at all times and knowing if your lor'kina was visible to them or if you had managed to put something that obstructed the line of sight between you and that person. This would have been a lot easier, if I had been able to remember where I myself was in the room at any given time.

It made my head buzz like learning a completely new language. And I did not have much free space in my head. Sarah had turned into a slobbering squeaky toy and that was adorable and hard on the ears. She did not realise that there was a range human ears did not consider comfortable. It was worse for Rukh who had the finer ears but had been declared her personal chewing toy.

I allowed it since Rukh showed no signs of resentment. I wondered if he ever regretted not having children. Sometimes I thought we should have reversed roles as I never wanted children, but I was actually loth to give up my daughter. I counted that as improvement and hopefully the development of proper maternal feelings.

“Yeah, it wouldn’t do at all,” I told Sarah as I put her down on the thick carpet in the shares parlour, “that your absentee father likes you more than your mum.” She watched me with big eyes, trying to hold herself up and grasp at the thick threads at the same time.

“Priorities,” I told her as she tumbled back to the floor, “you need them, luv.” I put down a toy within he reach and Rukh came to sit down beside me. Since she was able to drool all over him Sarah put a fist in her mouth and then used it to spread her slobber on the carpet. It was not my carpet, so I didn't care.

The language lessons with Rukh were fun. We camped out in the middle of the shared parlour taking shameless advantage of the thick carpet. Since he did not need any coaching and I was incapable of it anyway, we had started to teach each other our mother tongues instead.

Noghri had a voice that made my toenails curl up when used to speak German. Mix up Fassbender with Wolverine on too much whiskey and you were approaching the growl factor Rukh had. It gave me shivers. I also got pangs of homesickness with almost each word he learnt. I hadn’t heard German since forever and hearing it now made me feel that acutely. Every now and then we had to stop while I collected myself.

Rukh on the other hand had the time of his life. My vocal apparatus was definitely not made to pronounce any of his words. I soon learnt that what sounded like a most friendly Balrog surfing down a debris avalanche was the Noghri equivalent of hearty laughter.

“You declared that the spouse of your daughter is a tree.” He was trying to compose himself.

“Well, considering the amount of blue-skinned brick-heads she’ll grow up among, a tree might just be an improvement,” I said.

“But do you think that likely?” Trust Rukh to turn a funny remark serious.

I shrugged and looked at Sarah who watched us from big blue eyes. I heard that all newborns had blue eyes (I assumed it was not true for Asians though for example) but I was quite sure that Sarah's would stay this blue. If she suddenly turned out to have brown eyes, I would have to have a really stern word with the laws of heredity. “It probably depends on when and if she gets to see normal people,” I stroked her cheek with a finger and was rewarded with a blubbering smile.

“I mean, people that are not Chiss.” This was not easy. “If she gets out in time, there is no telling. Scoring a Chiss husband might prove her not just a freak, but it might just be easier to find a guy who doesn't mind her wild mix because he's not so xenophobic.”

“And what will you do?”

“I?” I blinked. “I will pray I raised her well enough to notice if a guy's not good for her. What can you do?”

“Raise her well.” He smiled one of his terrifying smiles.

Since raising would have to wait a little, it would certainly help if she understood what I said and I understood her replies in return, I picked Sarah up and carried her around. Predictably, she dropped her toy. It was some kind of light green kraken with more arms than normal, but also a great amount of eyes. Her monsters would have to turn really horrible to scare her.

“Now what?” I looked to the floor where the kraken lay. “Am I to pick this up again?”

Sarah gurgled and I took that for an affirmative.

Crouching down, I picked her toy up and handed I back.”I'd say don't drop it again but,” yep, there she went. I nudged her nose gently. “You'd sure keep me in shape even if Rukh wasn't around, wouldn't you?”

Sarah reached with her podgy hand towards the ground making quite clear what my job was. And that is how the days went. Now that Sarah started to actually interact with her environment, I got a better idea of what to do with her. I wondered how soon you could give her finger paint. Right now the only stuff I'd trust her with was food colouring. I didn't even know if Chiss had it.

Another thing the Chiss did not have, not surprisingly if you thought about it which I didn't was weather. The temperature was always about the same. I could go outside in a jumper, maybe with a light jacket. I needn’t worry it would rain. I think water falling from _this_ sky would be a good reason to panic.

It took some time to attract attention. There was everything you expected from a natural environment, trees, flowers, lawn, birds, I had even seen a squirrel equivalent thought with the slightly purple fur it could have been a fugitive prune of unexpected size. Everything seemed very natural.

But on second glance it was definitely not. It never rained. Never. I don't know how the water was distributed, but I was guessing at elaborate buried water systems. There was no wind. Ever. Of course there wasn't as it had no place to come from, nowhere to go and there was no sun to warm the air in some places so it rose. Or maybe there was, but don here you'd never know.

And I didn't look up at the sky. I thought, I would get used to it, but I didn't. The marbled grey hung low each day. There was no colour change, no clouds, no sun or stars at night. Csilla had three moons, but I had never even seen one of them. It was overall very depressing. So I pretended I didn't even want to look and kept my eyes on the trees and lawn.

Once you did that, there was mistaking the lack of bees or something to take care of pollinating all this flowers. I didn't see anybody walking around with a brush either. And whatever it was the birds lived off was unlikely to be bugs or insects. The whole ecosystem was a lie.

Asked about it, Thkela was dismissive as if it was obvious and everybody knew and anyway I had more important things to wonder about. She gave a short description on what kinds of animals were generally to be found in the districts and what you could expect in the nature parks that were scattered in some of the outermost districts of Csilla.

It was all very ordered and well kept. Number were kept and regular head counts made sure there were not too many or too few of a species. That would endanger the balance of the elaborate system. It was also a reason nobody ever considered keeping pets. A waste of air and space and also an unnecessary additional variable in the equation that enabled live to go on as normal under the ice.

The copse of crocus trees had stopped blooming. Now the willow substitute sprouted tiny blue blossoms that smelled as numbingly and made it almost impossible to sit on the bench under the tree. Sometimes I went there to shut down. Just sitting in the intense smell of sandal-wood and orchids trying not to be there at all.

And this is the reason I didn't update.


	12. Chapter 11

"You will not wear them in public, you will not tell anybody you have them." Thorra handed me back my weapons and I felt whole again. Well, pretty much. There was this Thrawn-shaped hole in my heart, but that had almost always been there with any chance at actually filling it coming up only in the last year. I should not complain.

"I thank you. Mitth'orr'arash," I said.

She left with an acknowledgement and I ran my fingers over my long lost possessions. The pearl inlay shimmered softly. I would have to make sure that Sara couldn't get her hands on them. At least not until she was able to point them in the right direction. The idea of mother-daughter time in a shooting range was strange but nice.

I decided to stash the blasters away in my closet for now. Papa Gsell would not be happy, but he was long dead and none of my concern. Since I didn't need, and also couldn't actually use, the lightsaber I put it down even further at the back of my closet. There were no Jedi here. Nor would they ever be as far as I knew. Maybe there was this secret Jedi society somebody had once theorised about. But they would not come to me just because I owned a random saber.

The knife was a different story though. I would definitely not wear it in public. But right now, I was not appearing anywhere in public and I felt so much better for having it strapped to my thigh again. Rukh integrated it into his battle tai chi chaun and I felt quite capable to slice something with it. If it didn't move and was inanimate.

"Sooner or later you will have to use it," Rukh warned me. "You must not hesitate."

The idea to stick the pointy end into people was very appealing inside of my head. On the other side it looked bloody and painful. It also looked like something I didn't wish on anybody.

"Remember the blade." Rukh pried my hand apart with strong, grey fingers, following the line his own blade had once cut into my palm. "It hurts not. It will give you the edge. If you wish it can poison in any way necessary."

I looked down at the unimposing weapon. Dipping it in truth serum might be fun. Just a small cut and the annoyed other would spill his beans. "I cannot carry it around like this," I said. "Especially not on formal occasions. Only ceremonial daggers are allowed."

Rukh was silent for a moment. "Show me," he finally said.

We looked at images of ceremonial daggers for a while. They had changed dramatically over time. At first they had been very real knives with very real blood on them more often than not. They slowly morphed from lethal looking meanies into over-decorated pieces of junk and back into more simple but no less useless dagger-substitutes.

"It will work," he said nodding to himself.

"What?"

"I will see to it," he added explaining nothing really. "You will not go unguarded even on official ceremonies."

Oh. Oh! "You can do that?"

"I am not certain it is legal, but I can certainly accomplish it." His teeth showed very white and sharp. "After all I can speak some Cheunh now and am not officially confined to this house."

"But certainly people will take notice and talk," I objected, finally getting his drift.

"They always do."

"I would really appreciate it." I sighed. The idea of actually taking the dagger to formal occasions with me, provided I ever got to see any, was very calming. I didn't want to hurt people with it, but I felt I could. If necessary. My fingers wandered over the leather holster keeping it tightly against my skin.

"Do you think there is danger?" I wanted to know.

"That depends on whether you try to accomplish what you came for." He made an all-encompassing gesture. "This place will swallow you whole if you try and let it. This place is not safe for you or your daughter if you really try. This place," he made a short pause, "will kill you if you let it."

Unfortunately, I had to agree. Not that Csilla was obvious about it. It just seeped into your cracks. The evergrey sky, the everunchanging weather, the absence of stars; it got to you. And then, in an unguarded moment you might just give up on everything. Well, almost. I glanced to Sarah who was happily drooling over a many armed something that made different noises with each arm you grabbed. It had kept her amused for quite a while now.

"I'm not worried for myself as much as for her," I muttered. I was used to rejection and disinterest, but I wanted something better for Sarah. I wanted her to actually believe she was beautiful and clever, even if it was her mother who said so. Even if the mother was right and it was just, I really didn't know what it had been; I had been looking good.

"It will take time for them to get used to the way you look," Thkela told me. "We get aätekik very rarely. And though they will not want to show their interest, be ascertained that it is there. You can ensnare them."

The idea of me ensnaring anybody was quite ridiculous. But then I thought of Krennel and Jaori and because it was good for my ego also of Thrawn. Maybe the notion wasn't that ridiculous after all.

"I do not expect to receive a place or name," I replied cautiously. "The most important thing is to make sure Sarah understands her heritage and finds her place."

"As long as her eyes are blue, she will be an outsider on Csilla." I was not certain if she sounded sad or not. Her lor'kina gave away nothing but that she believed what she said.

"I will never understand why the Chiss do not open themselves more to the universe." I shook my head and prevented Sarah from eating Thkela's hem. She was her great-grandma, but that didn't mean she'd let something like that pass. "What is it you have to lose?"

"Ourselves," she replied solemnly. "We have weathered the ice and spread across space. We have, despite all antagonism, kept our principles and values. Who are we if we lose those? Who can we be if we lost our common conscience? You have seen what the gor'laan is capable of. Who could we be, if we cast put traditions aside?"

Put like that it was actually a scary image. If the Chiss decided it was their time to rule the galaxy, they just might.

"Was his talent rare?" I wanted to know.

"Which of them." Thkela asked back. "His talent for strategy and anticipating the opponents moves was quite unrivalled. His ability to inspire loyalty is more common. His subversion of shared values was unheard of."

I processed that. "Have the values never been questioned?" I asked finally.

"Of course they were," Thkela almost bristled with indignation. "But time and time again they have been proved right. We are not a young culture, Lanna."

Well, they were not. But just because you were set in your ways didn't mean they were the most sensible ways. I mean look at it. Just really look at it. They could have abandoned Csilla centuries ago. There had been no actually necessity to stay. But no. The Chiss dug in their heels and told mother nature to stick it where the sun didn't shed sunlight. And they still were. And they thought that was normal.

Maybe it should be. Maybe drawing a line of how much shit you were going to take should be how all of us worked. But we didn't. We made compromises, we took the backseat to more important things, we allowed the universe to trample all over ourselves. Or I was just generalising from what I usually did?

"Does it mean that what was right once, will forever be right?" I just had to ask.

Thkela actually smiled. "Some would say so." She shrugged very elaborately, reaching out to keep Sarah from rolling off the couch. "It certainly seems that proven strategies have their value. They have served us well. How can we abandon them?"

I had no sensible answer to that. Because 'I would' did not count. Neither did 'because I want my husband back'. I wasn't even sure he really was my husband some days.

"So you will rather abandon one of your own for wishing to protect you too much than make an exception."

"If you make one exception, more will follow. We cannot risk to set a precedent and have the heart of our culture ripped apart." She picked up Sarah and handed her to me after short scrutiny. "I think she needs changing."

And that was the very sudden end of a conversation. It seemed that bringing up Thrawn and his ideas always ended like this. Not that I would have to start very often any more. I was getting a very good feel about sensitive topics and when to go off on a tangent. I would need it. If I ever wanted to find out what people actually thought about my husband dear, I would have to guide them through a conversation that ended with them positively ahead of my stupid, foreign, pushy attitude.

And I had names. Not written down, never written down. But at the back of my head names were waiting until society deemed it proper to bring us together. And in the innocent environment of social procedure, we would know each other. I wasn't quite sure how Stent wanted to get word back, but there was no denying he did. So I would trust him. And Thrawn had had friends and allies in his day. Some fell, some retired and some were still around. We would find each other. And I would finally realise how to influence a Chiss that was not my daughter.

"And you are already much better at influencing me anyway," I told her pointedly.

She just smiled and grabbed for my face. I lowered it enough for her to actually reach and was rewarded with an avalanche of happy sounds. It would be a sad, but not unexpected day not too far ahead, when she would be speaking Cheunh better than me. But it was not this day. Today was the day I started learning how to use a knife that would be camouflaged as a ceremonial dagger.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	13. Chapter 12

I knew I was someone else when getting fit again made me feel normal. Fitness had never played a big role in my life. Looking at me now, I had to realise that the woman I had been had also been left behind some time ago and was really, verily gone. Traces lingered, but I think that was only proper and also necessary to keep up an internal continuity. So now I liked to exercise. Who'd ha' thunk.

The slow, dancelike motions of Rukh's battle tai chi chuan were even family approved. I felt I was finally getting the hang of them and could start on being fluent and after that I would aim for grace. All in good time. The more aggressive disciplines were kept behind closed doors and almost drawn curtains. Since the balcony in front of the shared parlour was rather extensive, it was conveniently difficult to see inside.

I had spent half a day scouting that out. Not only because the family might object to me being turned into a lethal weapon, but also because I didn't feel like everybody seeing how I got my ass whipped each time by Rukh. I could not afford pride, but sometimes I forgot about that.

“It won't be easy,” Thkela confirmed my suspicion. “Especially official occasions won't leave you much leeway. And you _will_ be watched. After a while it will become easier.”

I had to find out that on Csilla 'a while' had the approximate duration of a year or two. Not that I knew how to measure that. I could wait for Diaspora Day to return. I could also just ask for a calendar. That worked like a charm. My decision to have abstract art on the images was met with approval. For reasons unknown, abstract had a great reputation. Still it was frowned at the idea that I should meddle in that hight form of art. But I guess any form of art would have been too high for me.

“I prefer it because of the openness,” I tried to explain. “It doesn't fix your mind on a single thing but nudges you to re-evaluate your impressions each time you look at it.” Additionally, half of the images looked as if David Reed had created them and I felt the soft pangs of missing home each time I looked at them. Of course that was among the things I never told any Chiss.

I was on my way to become actually socially acceptable and I wouldn't endanger that. My strange colour was not startling anymore. People got used to me, Thorra was talking to me now and then, usually on House business. Since I couldn't do anything sensible to help the House, ways had to be found where I could add some value.

To Thorra's surprise, I turned out to be really good at organising things, so I got involved with setting up social events I was not allowed to participate in. But that was fine. I did number juggling, appointment haggling and sorting things that arrived out of order and also were not what I had ordered. With about one event a week this was a full-time job, but since I could work from my study most of the time, I could just put Sarah down and keep an eye on her. Home office, very convenient.

It was through my work that I found out that the So'weëran'ok was coming for a visit. It seemed to be a regular occurrence because there was detailed information on everything that would happen and how and when. All I had to do was completing the calls and everybody knew what to do. For a challenge it was rather disappointing. Of course I could worry about presenting my daughter for a very brief time instead. 

And then there was going to be a big event when they returned, but I was not involved in that because Thorra had decided it was too big. That is why I asked Aden in person. He was the steward of the house, running everything behind the scenes. His full name was Ade'nawrat. After his service in the military, he had returned to being a commoner. It was strange to see social conventions so blatantly posed.

He didn't seem to mind. He didn't know what to do with me, so he put me with the book-keeping. Books don't need to talk to you and they can also not see you and I was again out of the way. Sometimes I remembered my mail-sorting days on the _Chimaera_. That hadn't lasted long either. I stared at the columns of numbers and items. If I wanted to keep any kind of job here, I'd have to make it my own. Maybe this system could be improved somehow. I'd get to that. Right after the visit of the second branch. That was enough to worry about for a while.

I would be allowed Chiss contact.  I would meet people who had never seen me before and were faced with the fact that an alien like me was now irrefutably part of their family. They would have their own ideas and preconceptions. I could not assume they would be favourable. I would be under tight scrutiny not only from them, but also my branch of the House.  I was doomed. 

Sarah was not caring one bit. She slobbered on everything, tried to eat everything and smiled at everybody.  At least the last trait was to be judged positive.  I had the slim hope she'd just be asleep so nobody could remark on how she didn't really try to speak yet.  And she could  not  cover everything in drool. 

I tried to calm down. It would be fine. Sarah was a great child. She could charm Thirba into an unguarded smile over dinner. That actually hurt, because she'd have made a perfect little daddy's girl, twisting him around her little finger in no time at all. It was something I would have paid good money to see.

But I was getting there. If this went well, I would be allowed to attend, at least partly, occasions on which the whole family was present. I was expected to behave myself and hopefully make some decent contacts so I could get on with my life without depending so much on my cohabitants.

Since nobody else was invited, it was not really a formal occasion and I didn't have to wear a really formal outfit. It was still blue of course. It was also new and custom tailored and I had worrisome thoughts about people sneaking into my flat while I was out dead taking my measures. At least it was not a jumpsuit. I was getting decidedly tired of them.

“You are looking blue,” Rukh said. He circled me slowly with Sarah on his arm.

“Da ba dee da ba dei,” I murmured.

“You will live.”

“Unfortunately, that is quite true. And it means I will have the pleasure of doing this all over again.” I felt the urge to tug at the hem of my shirt-tunic but holding Sarah prevented that. “I'm horribly bad at meeting new people.”

“They are family,” Rukh tried to comfort me.

“ _New_ family. That doesn't improve anything. Ask me how well I got along with new additions to my family. You really don't want to know.”

“I think I can imagine,” he replied. “But you don't have to get along with them.” I perked up. “You have to socialise with them befitting your position. And you can do that.”

So I would have to learn to socialise with people I wouldn’t actually bother with. It had always been a weakness but I just couldn't be arsed to find common ground. Which I wouldn't have to do here. There might or might not be polite questions about my background but nothing that could remotely lead to the touchy subject of my absentee husband.

In return there was a number of harmless questions I could ask, if properly prompted and since I knew so little about everything, I might just find the answers interesting. And I would get to see the stained glass windows all lit up as they should be. Straightening myself I looked down at Sarah. We would make it.

Since Thloik and her spouse Thorak had two small children, the dinner was held on the ground floor so the children could run off into the garden. I slowly walked down the room towards the stairs on the first floor. It was strange to get ready for an event that was held in your own house. And then have to walk to another part of your house that wasn't your house anymore, even if your part of your house wasn't really your house either. I stopped the train of thought there before it turned into a Gordian knot.

Better to rehearse the order of greetings in my head one last time. Or two if time allowed it. Acting family heads first, family over spouse, next the grandparent generation and then the main heir with spouse and children if they were able and willing. How did all of them remember who was bloodline and who was merit child and who was spouse all the time? The social circles here were huge. I could hardly remember all my cousin's names back home.

I stopped suddenly at the top of the stairs. That was right, I didn't remember them. And given my circumstances, I never would. They might as well have never existed. Oh dear. I took a deep breath and decided to think about that later, if ever. I still remembered the names of my parents and siblings and close friends and favourite cousins and- I checked the list in my head and came up with names for all people that had been of importance when I had suddenly been cast into this mess.

Good. Now I would just add some new names. It was very normal to get married and meet the family of your husband. I worried too much. I would stop that. In my head I apologised to my mum for robbing her of they joys of being a grandmother even when I had a child against all odds. Then I went down the stairs.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	14. Chapter 13

Actually, I almost did it. My fears proved unfounded, everybody seemed kindly interested in me. It made me suspicious, but so would have anything else. I needed to work on my perception of everything and how I came to the same conclusions any time, no matter of what I perceived. That couldn't be healthy.

What was somehow confusing was how I didn't really fit any of the established generations. Thrawn was in the same one as Thorra, Thirba and the leading couple of Copero, Thinak and Thokok. Still, because I did not have my own status, Sarah was in the generation of grandchildren, which put me closer to the generation of Thikoa who was currently not even yet preparing to take over the reigns of House Mitth. In relation that put me one generation under Thrawn. My mind boggled. I was grateful that generations were the one thing that did not matter in addressing Chiss.

Thinak was a merit-child, born and raised on Copero. “I wasn't cut out for the military,” she confided. “I went through with it because everybody has to. How else can we keep the Ascendancy safe? But my heart was no in it. I'm more of a networker. And if you do that right, military service can be very civilian.”

“I am sure that caught attention some day.” Since I was currently not holding Sarah, I was able to indicate a respectful question with not only my head but also my hands. I could feel not only Thinak watch me, but everybody else in the room as well, no matter what they were pretending to do. The constant use of the lor'kina all the time had given the Chiss eyes at the back of their head.

“Thalik certainly noticed.” Her eyes flashed in amusement. I tried not to think of how imperceptible that once had seemed to me. “I remember how nervous I was when called to him personally. I thought I was in for the berating of my life, that I had brought shame to the House and Copero.” She looked down as Sarah who was busily investigating a galloon on Thalik's sleeve. I was grateful it was fixed and could not be put into her mouth and drooled over.

“Being offered the position as main-child of the So'weëran'ok so I could put my skills to some actual use came as a surprise. I had never thought about staying in a Ruling Family. I was content where I had been and with the plans where I wanted to go.” She pried Sarah's hand off her sleeve which naturally led to immediate interest in her fingers.

I didn't dare to watch and see if my daughter would try to eat her relation. I was rather afraid, she would. “What was your plan?” I inquired. Normal Chiss life was still somewhat of a mystery to me. Thrawn had not taken much time to talk about it. It seemed to be a completely different world from the Ruling Houses.

“I wanted to go into local politics.” Thinak frustrated Sarah repeatedly by almost allowing her to suck at her finger. I was not sure what to make of it. “The Ruling Houses do try to have the local politics in their hands, but the locals prefer to have some of their own people running the show. It is a tightrope walk. You need a lot of skill to play in that game.”

The idea to want to do something because it was intimidatingly difficult stumped me. Why would you try to do something that was certainly a complete pain in the ass and took enormous amounts of strength and time? The reward of being able to do it, and possibly better than others, didn't sound very compelling to me. “Becoming the leader of the House on their home planet can't be much easier.”

“It is pretty much the same game,” she replied. “Only on a higher lever with higher stakes.”

“As long as it makes you happy.” There was nothing else to say I could think of.

“It does.” Thinak looked down at Sarah who would not give up on her finger. “That seems strange to you. Why?”

I opened my mouth to answer, then closed it to think first. It was actually a good question. Doing something because you wanted to and being rewarded by having done them well was not a bad system at all. “I am not on friendly terms with networking,” I finally said. “It's not the system that makes me wonder but the field you chose.”

“Which field would you have chosen?” Her eyes were intent on me. “Provided you had not come here to raise your daughter, what has your plan been?”

Oh dear. I needed a plan for my life and I needed it now. I had never had one. I wanted a job I didn't actively hate. I wanted to earn regular money and visit places. I wanted to, I wanted to, I had wanted to. Actually, I didn't have a clue. There had been no overarching aim in my life. Not that I had minded. I thought. But I had been stuck in a dead-end job. I wouldn't call my former boyfriend a dead-end, but seeing how neither of us had wanted children there had been no place for development in that department either. Of course I had had aspirations, but I had done nothing to follow them.

Where had I been going? Nowhere.

I took a deep breath and checked my lor'kina for slips. When I did find none I also didn't sigh in relief. “I don't quite know how to explain it,” I began. “The strict separation of military and politics is not very strict where I come from.” That was it, that was the way to go. Ignore your upbringing and the first 30 years of your life; refer to the Empire only. You had been going somewhere there. And then I had missed my own coronation. Well.

“I am also not cut out for the military, but it is where I started. Since there was no distinction and,” I hesitated, “ _he_ ,” I then went on,” was about to be the leader. So this was I where I had been headed, yi'forok'itan'yerot of half the space beyond.”

“And still you are here.” I will never know how she managed to get the full question-lor'kina done encumbered with a child.

“Here I am,” I agreed.

“So, what is in it for you?” Without waiting for a reply, she handed me my child back and left me sitting and thinking.

If she was asking that question, so would a lot of other people. And they would need an answer. Because, really, what did I get out of the deal? I had almost been empress. It doesn't get much better than that. Possibly. I Imagined myself in a recluse in New Zealand writing best-selling novels. Empress was not my first choice, really.

I got a place to stay. Could have gotten that on the _Chimaera_. I got a place to belong. See above. I got something bigger to work on than being myself. Also see above. Oh, right, the New Republic would not get wiped out, at least not in a military strike. How was that a reason I could tell people here? It would go down really well.

_Yeah, you know Thrawn. I let him knock me up and send me here so he wouldn't kill a bunch of people I care for._

Nope. Not gonna work. Not to mention that this raised the question what Thrawn would get out of the deal.

“You look as if you are considering to take over the world out of defiance,” Thkela looked down at me, her lor'kina slightly disapproving.

I got up with a smile and made sure I looked agreeable. “I have found some very serious things I need to think about very seriously.”

“Do you need help with that?” She might like me, but she had no illusions concerning my abilities.

“I'd love to, but _he_ is not here.” Great. I didn't even know if I could trust my favourite person in the household with my secret agenda. What was I even doing? “I will let you know when you can help.”

“I will be surprised to see that.” Damn that woman. “But maybe now you would rather help your daughter. She looks hungry and tired.”

I was not certain about either, but I recognised a dismissal when I saw one. “Aätae'oroker'athei,” _as you wish._ I made sure to pronounce the pronoun prominently. I rarely used the form indicating a superior person from a different family anymore, but since it was actually correct, nobody would stop me expressing my indignation with it.

I had spoken to all adults present, so I was not all that angry. It was just – I didn't know. Being treated like a second class citizen was grating on my temper. And I had behaved. Telling Thinak why I was here had maybe not been the smartest of moves, but I could not see the harm done. As yet.

After feeding Sarah, I sat down beside her cot and pretended to read from a book bigger than her. I didn't know if she understood anything, but talking was easier on the voice than singing and sometimes it took quite long to soothe her into sleep.

“Once upon a time,” the book read this time, “there was a girl called Desiree and she lived in the land of France.” It was not that difficult to turn the novel into a bedtime story for a child that might or might not understand it. Change some names and you even had my story by now, apart from when Desiree actually does make it to her coronation.*

I sat down in my parlour staring at my canvas and colours after Sarah was safely asleep. Who would be telling me stories now, I wondered. I had half a mind to ask Rukh, but the image of Khanathitera stunned into rigour wouldn't leave me. Whatever story there was still in her past, I would always know how she ended up paralysed by herself.

In the end I picked up my brush and splattered some colours over the wild mess I had produced the day before. I stopped shaking my head. No, this was not right. I put down the palette and looked for the water soluble colours. This would be difficult, but then, what was not. Slowly and systematically I began to cover everything up with deep blue.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Desiree by Annemarie Selinko


	15. Chapter 14

What followed were several weeks of intense training with Thkela. The So'we ë ra'nok would tour the planet for a while and then return. At which time there would be a great big reception taking up both floors of the social rooms. Everybody would be there, at least everybody of importance to House Mitth.

I was not to screw up. I was not to approach anybody who was not Mitth and had to be lenient with my alien manners. Sarah would be with the nursemaid and I would leave if there was any trouble. No, Rukh could not come. Who would try to harm me anyway? Nobody even knew me.

There was a long discussion about whether or not I could see the guest lists. On the pro side was that I would know who attended and could try to avoid the more obvious traps. On the contra side was that I knew who would be coming and might get mightily tempted to talk to people. I did not point out that I intended to talk to people anyway, even if I had been expressly told not to. I didn't think that would sit well with Thorra.

“You will need robes,” she stated, looking me up and down. “You will stick out like a sore thumb anyway. We might just as well make sure you are a well-dressed sore thumb. How are you with boots?”

“Depends on the height,” I replied unthinkingly. “My calves tend to be to big to fit.”

She brushed her hand down her chest in exasperation. “They will be custom made, Lanna, use your head; it is not a decoration.”

“I like boots,” I amended. Obviously she was running through several options in her head, trying to find the least sore-thumb-y one.

“Half-length no nak,” she decided finally. “What pattern do you prefer?”

No cape? I always wanted a cape. I had been looking forward to the cape. Okay, it didn't even reach the elbows, but it was a cape still. Damn! “No pattern,” I said through my disappointment. “The obligatory markings on the sleeves, belt and hem will be more than enough.”

Thorra eyed me suspiciously. “You will be the only one without a pattern,” she said.

“I know.”

Whatever she judged my motives to be, they seemed acceptable. “You will see the tailor tomorrow to have your measures taken. Make sure Sarah can do without you for the appointed time.”

So much for getting out to meet the tailor. It was all in-house service for me. I stood on my balcony staring at the grey sky overhead. And the grey sky ahead. Knowing the actual sky was touchable ice only a few hundred meters from where you stood was still depressing me.

“Once upon a time gone by, there lived a girl under a marble sky,” I murmured to myself, “and she would search it night and days, for signs of blue with her blunt eyes. Rukh,” I turned around almost violently, “why is the sky blue?”

“Because it is made up from the waters of life,” he said without breaking the flow of his motions. Sarah watched him with what was probably an early stage of adoration and a late state of flooding the carpet. 

“ _For in the beginning the land was dry and barren_ _under a red sky_ _. And the people had to walk long and dig deep to find water to drink. So they spent most of their time on long treks from one_ _sip_ _of water to the next. They starved for there_ _were_ _no plant_ _s_ _to eat and no animal_ _s_ _to hunt. They starved because there was no place to grow food of any kind.”_

His one foot set down slowly and immediately the other began to ascend in slow motion. His wrists crossed, forming a difficult knot before coming apart again unhurt.

“ _Why is life so hard," Therakh asked his parents and they knew only the answer of their own parents. There was no water. It was the way of the world. But Therakh was not satisfied by this answer. He listened to the legends of water each night and wondered where they came from. For how would a people with no water imagine wastes of it, covering up everything and killing all life before fleeing in shame?_

_ 'Where has the water fled to?' He asked himself. But he had no answer. One day he decided to find the answer. He decided to leave the paths they walked and go other ways to find the truth. He decided that knowing where the water had gone to would be worth his life. And in the cool darkness he left his family and followed the stars. _

_ For nights and nights he walked. He did not dare walk at day when the sun beat down onto the hot sands, sucking the water from the rocks themselves. And as he walked, he could feel himself become weaker because he had no water to drink and there was no plant to eat and no animal to hunt. _

_ Maybe I will die soon, he thought one day as he lay curled up in the depth of a cave. That will be right, he thought, because if there is no water, those who believe there is can get their whole families killed with their folly. And he closed his eyes and dreamt of water falling from the sky, and water dripping down the rocks, and water filling the deep gullies in the plains with a mighty roar. _

_ And when he woke, he could still hear water falling from the ceiling to the stone floor far away; the silver tinkle of water that didn't fear the sun. He sat and listened with his eyes closed and thirst in his heart. _

_Suddenly his eyes opened._ _Therakh_ _had realised that he did not know what water dripping from stone to stone sounded like. Never in his life had he seen enough water to waste like this. And if_ _there_ _had been a place where water had run free, the family would never have left it. Slowly he got to his feet. He closed his yes again and began to walk towards the sound._

_His feet were slow because the ground was rough. Tharekh did not want to fall._ _His hands reached out to feel for rock overhead or in front. It seemed to him that he walked forever towards the sound, but it got no louder. On and on he went, down and down as his feet told him and when he opened his eyes, he feared he had forgotten how to do that; it was still_ _all_ _dark._

_But_ _Therakh_ _went_ _on_ _in utter darkness not knowing if he would find his way back._ _It took him some time to realise that the strange smell was that of water. It was sweet and rare and filled his nose until he thought he had to drown._ _He stumbled and his feet were suddenly wet. As_ _Therakh_ _fell to his knees, his hands submerged in water and he was too stunned to drink for a long time._

_Then he took a cautious sip, and then another. The water was dark and tasted of stone and cold night. When his thirst was stilled, he kept drinking, thinking to take all the water with him that he could. But when his stomach was full and ached, there was still enough water to cover his hands and feet._

_ I must find the reason for this water, he told himself. So he got up and felt sick with the water he carried in his belly. But he kept walking towards the tinkling sound that had become a trickle. Still on and down he went for a long time. And when his belly was empty again, he did not fill it again. The water came up to his knees. _

_ Still on and on he went, down and down towards the trickling sound that was now a rushing. The water came up to his thighs. But on and on he went, down and down until the water came up to his chest. _

_ How can I find the reason of this water, if it kills me first? He feared. And he pushed against it and tried to shove it out of his way. And Therakh found that he could swim. So on and on he went, down and down with the rushing sound that roared in his ears and carried him forwards. _

_ With a sudden he was cast into the air and spun helpless, not flying, not falling, not tumbling and the water roared all around him and threw him around like a dry leaf in the wind. And Therakh wondered why the water was so angry. And it slammed him against stone. _

_ Therakh was not sure he was dead when he opened his eyes for there was light soft as gossamer and silver like the stars. And in this light he saw the vastness around him and the glitter of a million tiny waves. Looking around, he saw that he had found the reason of the water. And high above, the roar was still in the wind, throwing more and more water into the deep where it protested in heavy waves. _

_ But why are you all here? Therakh asked the waters. Why do you roar in the deep and shun the light? _

_ Because we cannot pass the roaring guardian, the waters replied. We are trapped down here and when we try to escape, he grabs us and throws us back into the dark.  _

_ And Therakh sat down and pondered this. Sometimes he looked up at the guardian who never tired and he knew he could not defeat him. "Will he let me pass?" He asked the waters. "Can I go back to see the sun?" _

“ _You are not we," the water said. "You can pass."_

_ And Therakh pondered this and a plan formed in his mind. "I will carry you," he told the waters. "You will pass with me and he will not know." _

_ "We are too much for you to swallow," the waters said mournfully and Therakh new it to be true. _

_ "But you are each of you connected to another," he replied, dipping his hand into the lake and letting the water run though his fingers. "So some of you I will swallow, and some I will weave into my clothes. Then we will pass the guardian and we will lay a trail for the rest to follow. You will slip right under his feet and he will not know." _

_ The waters agreed. So Therakh sat down and wove the waters into his shirt and trousers and they grew heavy with it. And he held a thread and when he had swallowed as much of the water as he could, he connected it to the waters in his clothes. _

_ The way back was weary because he was heavy with water inside and out. But the guardian did not see it and let him pass. And the waters guided him out quickly. When he reached the cave again, the red sky was burning bright over his head. Therakh sat down and asked the waters where they wanted to go. _

_ "Everywhere," the waters replied. _

_ So Therakh took of his shirt and the trousers and the waterweave shone in the sunlight like silver and cobalt. _

_ "Put us closer to the sun," the waters said, "we have not seen her for a long long time." _

_ Therakh did not know how to do this. He looked around and saw a mountain close by. Picking up the waterweave he climbed it and threw it at the sun. He did not reach, but the weave did not want to return to the ground again where it would be so far from the sun. So it clung to the sky colouring it blue. Therakh set the rest of it down at the foot of the mountain and watched it swell as it rose from beneath the stone along the thin thread. _

_ But the waters did not stay beneath the mountain. More and more climbed up into the sky filling it with blue until the sky was all soaked and could hold it no longer. And then it rained on Honoghr. _

Rukh had come to a complete standstill in an impossibly reaching position. I had almost forgotten that he was still going through his form.

“Why are your stories always so helpful?” I wanted to know.

“Because they are true.” He relaxed his muscles. “What do you plan to do?”

“Point the first,” I held up my index finger, “make the problem a part of the solution. Thrawn's not here? Great, that should be an advantage. Secondly, the solution is opposite to the problem.” I stared at my two fingers. “Not quite sure about the details of this yet.”

Even the convoluted Chiss language didn't have the words to express my ideas. Whatever I tried just made it fell flat and sound silly. If the opposite of exile was unbanning, how would not aiming for that help? But the problem lay in the past, so the solution was the future. I shook my head.

“You will know when you see it?”

“No,” I shook my head. “More like, I'll know when I've done it.”

“Good luck with that,” Rukh growled. “If you planning ever takes tangible form, let me know.”

“I'm sorry; it's all just very vague. First I need to talk to people to find out which people to talk to. And then I need to find out what to say.” If Noghri had had eyebrows, he'd have raised one now. 

“What about Therakh?” I changed the topic.

“He returned to his people.” There was obviously nothing more to say.

“The waters here have definitely overdone their reaching for the sun,” I sighed. 

“Maybe you should then go to the sun and ask her how to amend the situation,” Rukh replied. “Though I am not sure the Chiss will be grateful if you thaw their planet.”

I could not disagree. So I decided to save at least the carpet from its personal Therakh who, in the guise of my daughter created little pools wherever she was.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	16. Chapter 15

The day of the party advanced rapidly. I probably shouldn't call it a party. But reception wasn't really accurate either. There would be food, music and possibly dancing. I had no trouble with the first. After five months on this ice cube I was ready to show my eating skills in public.

“No,” Thorra said. “The number of guests for the dinner is limited. It is easier to leave you out. Your status does not warrant participation, Tharah is too young to participate. So we have given the seat to another guest.”

Well, that was sobering. I might be living here, but that didn't mean I was part of the family, at least not of the inner circle. It would give me chance to have a private dinner with Rukh, though. That would be a nice change.

“You can mingle when the other guests start to arrive. Fortunately, you do not play an instrument or sing.” She thought for a moment. “This covers all. Retire as soon as polite.”

“Aäe'oroker'athei,” _as you wish_ , I agreed, though actually I didn't. And I did not even show my reluctance in the pronoun. Oh, this language was a deathtrap.

So food was accounted for. And it looked as if the music would be contributed by the visitors. Instruments would be scattered though the partially compartmented room for people to play. It sounded very, I had no word for it. But I was probably even more grateful than Thorra that I hadn't chosen an instrument or singing as my art. I had the queasy feeling that writing might have bitten me in the arse unexpectedly one day as well.

This left the problem of possibly impending dancing.

“Not that I think, I will have to,” nervousness rippled all over my lor'kina, “but I'd rather be prepared.”  It had taken me a whole day to gather enough courage to approach Thirba with my problem. He looked half amused and half annoyed.

“It is too late to give you lessons,” he replied.

“I agree.” Though at least some basics would have been very nice. Obviously nobody could be bothered with this. “I just wondered if I should sprain my ankle or something?”

“You can do that?”

“Of course.” Why was that even a questio n ? “It might be easier to just pretend, but  I might forget or walk normally when  I think nobody is watching.  And I would appreciate sources to familiarise myself with the dancing for further events.”

It was this moment that Thirba seemed to realise I would not go away and there would be future events and I could not be kept from them forever. Or if I could be kept away, that would reflect badly on the House. “I will see to it.” He closed the matter, but then added, “you will not actively engage in dancing.”

“God gracious, no!” I put my hand before my mouth in apology. “That would be folly.”

Folly I would probably enjoy, though. After the tailor had been there taking my measures,  and a lot of measures that were; I had had no idea what you could measure to make some clothing fit. He also took measures for my boot s , actually scanned my feet and tutted when confronted with the dimension of my calves. When he left, I somehow felt I had been measured and judged to light, apart from  my calves, which had been judged the opposite way.

I was rubbing my head thoughtfully as I went into my study  where Rukh kept Sarah busy. I would not be surprised if instead of first steps, she'd launch directly into one of his forms. Thirba had indeed sent material for me to get familiar with Chiss dancing.  It seemed to be some kind of square-dance-quadrille. Since the files were labelled 'formal' I assumed there was some wilder dancing going on somewhere. 

It became clear very soon that I would never learn anything applicable until the reception. There was an overabundance of forms and all the warning you got was a change in the music. I didn't even get the music.

“Looks complicated,” Rukh commented over my shoulder.

When I turned around, I found myself confronted with my daughter's behind. “Even if I learn all of those crazy forms, I'd still need a partner who'd stoop to hissing them at me during the dance.” I sighed and took Sarah.  She made some incoherent warbling sounds. “Yes, just what I think, " I agreed.  " But I think we'd be a totally adorable couple.”

I got up and danced about a bit with her in my arms. “Indeed,” I replied to another of her outbursts. “You will need quite long stilts to reach the ground with those tiny legs of yours. But no worries. In no time at all your legs won't only reach all the way down to the ground, you'll also be able to walk on them.”

“Is she r e ally behind on the talking?” I asked toward Rukh.

“In comparison to Chiss children over a month,” he told me.

“That's not bad.” I stopped turning around. “Bilingual children  tend to  start talking  l ater anyway. And who knows in what language Rukh is talking to you.” Sara grabbed my finger, gargled and seemed overall happy.

“ If you are implying that I speak to her in Honoghran,” he assumed a threatening stance, “you are quite right.”

I nodded. “Thought so. Poor girl,” I held her up to my face which made up with my nose within her reach for the loss of my finger. Tiny fingers poked me gingerly. “So small and so many expectations resting on you already. How will you ever grow up sane enough to fulfil them?”

“Ma,” she replied. “Maaaaa.”

“Can't disagree.” I swung her around and would have done that again if the door had not opened to reveal an unlikely visitor:  Thkela.

“We have to talk.” Her lor'kina indicated serious business.

I handed Sarah back to Rukh; she made an apprehensive squeal. “I'll be back,” I promised stroking her head and kissing it. “You slobber all over Rukh until then, right?”

She went right at it and I  followed  Thkela into her shared parlour.  It  was as different from mine as night was from day. It looked simple and expensive. The paintings were either from known artists or close family and friends. There was just the right amount of either to show her to be a cultured family woman. Dark  parquet covered the floor, flung now and then with thick carpets. One of them might have been an animal once. A huge harp-like instrument stood in one corner.

“Thinak has told me what you said about your reasons for being here.”  She pulled me from the appreciation of the room.

I lowered my head.

“It is not accepted behaviour; you will not find approval for it.”

I curled my fingers into a question.

“To give up everything you have for one man, for love, is not the Chiss way. It is folly.”

I was not certain that what I had told Thinak was related to the words Thkela was saying. I showed my confusion.

“The partner we chose to spend our life with, we chose them not for love alone. It is not a basis for a lasting relationship. You need to share goals in life and be able to promote them so the relation benefits the two of you. Only in this combination can lasting satisfaction lie.”

“So love without benefits is folly and benefits without love is...?” I was not sure how to word it.

“Selling yourself short,” Thkela finished for me. “It is a sign of low standards. We are Chiss. We can have both. But what you did is folly.”

And what Thrawn did was selling himself short? I was getting all kinds of feelings suddenly. Though I really couldn't put 'Thrawn' and 'low standards' into one sentence. A more immediately important thought knocked at the inside of my skull. If only I had had time for that, but Thkela was still waiting for an explanation.

“I am sorry,” I apologised. “It is a highly valued path where I come from. The sign of ultimate affection and bonding. Women give up their lives for men all the time. It is a done thing.”

“In the Ascendancy it is not. You will have to explain yourself a lot.” She paced a little showing that her unrest came from a related but not yet mentioned subject. “You cannot be allowed to teach Sarah those values.”

I had almost sagged in relief. That was it? I wasn't allowed teach Sarah that her highest aspiration in life was to give up everything she had achieved for a guy? That he might just as well sacrifice half of himself and meet her in the middle? Well, fucking fuck, I'd comply with that, thank you very much.

“I will not,” I said looking her in the eyes and raising my hands in sincere agreement. “She will follow the Chiss way. She will choose with her heart _and_ head.”

Relief did show on Thkela's lor'kina. I wondered if she had really expected opposition. Okay, I was a very submissive little bint here. But living in a society where the main difference between males and female was whether your tailor allowed room for boobs in your shirt was actually very pleasing. Nobody would tell you that you couldn't do something here unless it was actually physically impossible. Like, I could not lick my own elbow. I could change that by having my arm shortened or my tongue extended, but as things were, I just could not.

“Sometimes I wonder if we had been off better staying in Space Beyond,” I admitted, “but here she will be judged by her abilities and that is something everybody deserves.” There might be some prejudice, but I would burn that out, if necessary with the lightsaber.

Thkela raised her hands a little as well. “Be prepared to justify yourself then,” she said. 

Dismissed like that I went back to my rooms trying to wrap my head around Chiss mating habits. They were a picky lot alright. And here I was. For whatever reasons. I tried to think it through logically. If I ever managed to get Thrawn, the Chiss way and myself into one thought. Without going slightly, or fully, mad. Now there was an image that would haunt me.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	17. Chapter 16

Of course I did not find a logical explanation for my being here.  It had about as  many difficulties finding images of Thrawn. Considering that Sarah would soon start to actually use words, I considered teaching her 'dada' would be a good thing. It would be even better, if she didn't point at Rukh while doing so.

“ There might be something in storage,” Thkela replied absent ly . The reception was on the next day and my question was not timed well.

“Can I have a look after the reception?” I asked politely. “It will be hard enough for her to grow up without a father. I don't see why she shouldn't even know what he looks like.”

“Have you brought no images of your own?”

“I did.” I made a small pause. “But my personal pad has still not been returned to me. So I guess the Chiss Defence Fleet still has it.”

That made her look up. “ Is that so.”

“I am sorry,” I lowered my head.

“This is not acceptable.”

“It is alien technology,” I excused the treatment. “They need to be scrupulous.”

“I will see that you get it back.” Obvious the Family Honour was being chipped here. “And Aden will see you to storage after the reception. Maybe you find something else useful beside images.”

I was dismissed, wondering what else they had stored away. After all, you did not expect an exiled to return, did you?  And what kind of memorabilia could there to pique my interest? I'd find out.

But first I had to get through the reception without incident. I was not that worried about House Mitth, but seeing how each House vied for an advantage with all other Houses all the time almost regardless of allegiances – I was not sure that was the right  platform for me.

I had broken out some of the good tea and chocolate to boost my mood. After all, what was not to like? All the Chiss I had been prevented from seeing all in one place. Music, dancing, possibly snacks. I stared at the plates before me. At least with snacks I would not have to look at the order in which I ate something. The idea to insult somebody by eating a cheese cube after a gherkin was hilarious but not very helpful. Not that it could happen to me. Firstly, I didn't like cheese cubes and secondly I was not even sure there was a gherkin equivalent here.

I sighed and sipped on the tea. Some konot would have gone done well, but I was careful. As long as I was breastfeeding the last thing I needed was passing on the caffeine accidentally to Sarah. 

Rukh followed my line of sight. “She will be fine. I will be here.”

“I know.” I sighed. “I will miss you both.”

“I assume that the event will, as yet, be safe. You will have to consider the situation in the future, though. I cannot be in two places at the same time.” 

“As long as I can protect myself better than Sarah, you stay with her,” I decided. “I can somewhat defend myself. We need to work on that, though.” I shook my head. “And maybe one day I can carry my blasters again. If carrying blasters in public is a done thing here. I think not.”

“You will always have this.” He handed me my dagger. 

I had not even missed it. So much for being able to take care of myself.  The sheath was new, a thin leather-like material decorated with hair-thin beads,  gems and burnt - in patterns. Blue on blue with more blue, of course.  When I drew the blade, I did not recognise the simple weapon again. Patterns were etched into the now blue-ish blade. It shone like ice, and the blade looked deceptively thick. I was tempted to test it with my finger.

“Don't.” Rukh's warning came in time.

I tested it on a chocolate bar instead. The knife went through as if it was air or water.

“It is an illusion,” he explained. “The material was chosen because it seems thicker than it is and ragged. The décor goes up almost to the edge, but the eye doesn't note this small detail.” he took the knife and turned it in several directions. “ You can use it just like the old one. But do not let anybody else handle it.”

I slipped the knife back into its sheath. “I don't think I'll let anybody else  _ see _ it,” I replied. “Which reminds me, I don't even know if my robes have the necessary pocket.” I got up. “Time to find out.”

The robes were unsurprisingly blue. They were also simple and without a pattern they reminded me painfully of blue skies on summer afternoons. Bold piping along the sleeves and hems declared my non-status loudly against the complete silence of the remaining cloth. Its high collar reminded me of uniforms, as did the boots that came up almost to me knees.

The trousers tucked into that nicely, but they did not reach much lower than my calves anyway. Add to that the shirt-dress, held together with a belt and a slanting hem and you had it. It was actually quite dashing. It still looked acceptable when I was inside it. And it did have the pocket for my dagger. Stashed away invisibly over my lower belly it did not impede my movements. But I would need to practice getting it out.

At least the colour compliments my eyes, I thought as I brushed out my hair. It had been another debate, but I was allowed to keep it short as it was customary for my people. It was not that the Chiss didn't have some amazing hairstyles to boast. They did. Though Thkela preferred to wear her long hair in a tight knot for everyday business, I had seen her with a most elaborate hairdo on some of the formal occasions.

I just didn't like the idea to sit around for a long time, doomed to do nothing while  somebody turned my hair into a piece of art. I also didn't want to know how long it took to get everything out again. I had back-combed my hair spectacularly now and then and no, I didn't want the work involved.  Make-up was easy as well. There was nothing to match my tone of skin and why bother with the add-ons i f the foundation wasn't there? Life here did have its perks.  And I did wear earring s which had to count for something even if they were tiny studs in blue and red.

For a long while we stood in my study, listening to the sound of guest arriving and spreading through the rooms. Not that there was much to be heard above the soft murmur which might as well have been the sea. Had we not been on Csilla, that is. I kissed Sarah good night and let her play with my nose a little. Then I straightened up, took a deep breath and checked my lor'kina. I was as ready as I would be. With a last smile at my daughter and bodyguard I turned and slipped away.

The view was stunning. I didn't know what I had expected, but this had certainly not been it. Which once again showed that I used my head more for keeping the rain from falling into my throat than anything else.  Of course everybody was in their official getup. That meant colours, a multitude of colours and patterns. If they had not been Chiss, the comparison to a flock of butterflies would have come to mind. 

I was glad that I was out of the way in the small niche of the door, because I gaped. And before I could really do anything else, I had to get my body language under control. I did so while watching the ebb and flow of people.  Red and red were the dominating colours. House Mitth and House Nuruodo were close and it showed. 

The yellow and brass looked like complimentary companions to the two reds. Purple, bronze and ultramarine were sprinkled in between, and most rare was a flash of teal or green. House alliances did show and it was easy to get the overall feeling of how things currently stood. Many guests had outfits similar to mine, though especially Sabosen and Prard members seemed to prefer the slightly more formal version with a robe that fell to the ankles.  In their entirety t he colours were dazzling and overwhelming.

I could hear music from different directions in the room. Here and there beautifully painted or stitched screens turned the huge hall into an open string of rooms with additional chambers branching off here and there. Even should nobody ever talk to me the whole evening, I was certain I could amuse myself with looking at those and be entertained indeed. 

Despite all the formal dress and dignified movement, I felt I was intruding on a private meeting. The feeling was amplified when I heard a female voice rise over the muttering of voices, accompanied by what sounded like a harp. Oh dear. Music making indeed.

I tried to melt into the flow which was easier than I had thought. Nobody stopped in what they were doing, nobody pointed their finger and there was no muffled whispering. I could not be all sure about the last because of the general noise around, but I did manage to get to the singing without incident.

The huge harp I had seen in Thkela's shared parlour had been put up in a newly created corner. It was manned by a Chiss I didn't know but who wore our colour, meaning dark red. The woman turned out to be a girl, standing not far away with her eyes wandering between the man at the harp and the audience. She looked very young but not at all vulnerable. Her colours marked her as a direct child of a distant arm of House Mitth. From what I could see of the harp-player's patterns, he was probably her father. Wow.

I wandered on, keeping on the outskirts of the general flow, meandering along the edges and trying to keep my lor'kina pleasant and accommodating. It was not easy, because I felt overwhelmed and misplaced. I would have no qualms at all leaving this illustrious assembly as soon as politely possible. Slowly I made my way towards the stairs. The first and second family would likely be found somewhere down there. They were the only faces I knew.

It took a lot of self-control to descend the stairs and not stop halfway down and stare. From above the butterfly metaphor was almost feasible. It certainly looked like van Gogh had had a good day and nothing specific in mind when he put brush to canvas. Towards the wing where I had my quarters the dance floor showed, mostly because it was still a well-polished, empty area. I turned towards the other wing when a familiar sound gutted me.

I took a prudent step out of the way and found out that, luckily, the grey stained glass was sturdy and you could lean against it without problem. Somebody had the audacity to play the piano. I heaved a breath and began to assemble myself again. This was not fair.  But piano it was and nobody would convince me otherwise. The trick, I told myself, was not to cry in public. At least it was very easy to mimic the measured movements of everybody else now. One wrong motion and I'd fall apart. What was wrong with me?

In the end I made it to the source of the sound. The instrument looked like a heater with thick ribs. The keys were attached vertically like an upright keyboard and it did not in any way resemble a piano at all. Except for the sound. A man in black and brass was running his fingers over the keys with the experience of many years. He had his back towards me and I could not really tell which part of the Kres House he belonged to. Watching his fingers, I only knew that I had to find out. I needed this guy. I wanted him put up in my private parlour, chained to an instrument like that playing whatever. I felt neither the smile nor the tears on my face as I listened.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	18. Chapter 17

“Are you alright?”

I had no idea where I was and who the strange man before me was either. He looked probably concerned. I was not sure. He was all blue. And yet he was not Thrawn. I shook my head to make the thoughts sort out themselves.

“ I will be.” I began to smile, thought better of it and raised my hands a little instead. “Thank you.” Damn, was I glad that I could fall back on the you towards higher placed people from a different family. I was so out of it, that I hadn't even looked what House he was from.  I glanced up and down his tunic and identified him as Mitth from a direct line, living in the vicinity and standing close to the main arm.

“Mitth'uba'lemrok,” he introduced himself. 

I got my bearings back and bowed my head. “Mel'lanna'morrison.” I cut my name into neat parts for him to pick up on the core. 

His palm was rough but warm. “Do you require help with the cause of your distress?”

I looked towards the heater-piano but it was vacated. I did not let out a sigh of dejection and relief. Instead I put a grateful negative over myself. “ I thank you, Mitt h 'uba'lemr o k,” I said. “I have only been reminded of home painfully. I did not expect things to be so similar.”

“Will you tell me about your home?”

“If you will listen.” I bit my tongue and then remembered to add his name in a hurry. “Mitth'uba'lemrok.”

His eyes flashed slightly. Maybe the protocol was as horrible as Thrawn had made it out to be. Or I had clumsy alien bonus. Thubal led me to a corner and acquired drinks on the way. “Let me hear it then.” 

Despite having been told not to really talk to people I did. I made quite sure that Thubal got to hear exactly what I wanted to be heard about me. Even if Chiss were not into gossip, it would be easier for me if some people helped me get my story out. I did not have the time to tell it to every Chiss in the Ascendancy.

Of course there was not that much time to tell him my life story. I concentrated on the highlights and in return got an idea what constituted important events in the life of a Chiss. When our glasses were drained he excused himself politely and I stayed where I was watching the crowds eddy by. How I ever had gotten the idea I'd find anybody in this chaos was beyond me. I know what I am looking for, I told myself. How hard could it be?

How hard indeed. Two hours later I was a little footsore, none the wiser despite talking to a few people and surprisingly no further from where I had been than a few partitions. This was getting exhausting. I really should get my ass back upstairs, too. Then I could at least credibly pretend I had been on my way back. I made my way towards the stairs and picked up my pace when somebody took charge of the piano again. I could not risk another faux pas and I was probably going to be the talk all over the place already. The soft notes followed me relentlessly until I fled onto the balcony.

The night was cool but not overly so. It was never very cold here, just as it would never get really warm either. Right then I would have appreciated a wall of cold air hitting me in the face and bringing me back to my senses. Since it was not there, I just made my way to a free place at the carved bannister. Holding on to it with both hands I listened to the murmur of voices and relaxed when I could not hear a note of the piano.

The sky was dark overhead. No stars broke the uniform blackness, no moon would show her face. I stared intently as if I could at least make out some of the marble patterns of day.

“Are you looking for something specific?” The voice was smooth and slightly mocking.

When I turned a very elegant woman stood beside me, watching me intently. Reading her pattern, I allowed myself the smile of a klutzy alien with no manners. “Stars, Lady,” I replied. As long as she had given no name I would stick with that.

She turned towards the gardens and looked up. “You will not find them here, I am afraid. What do they harbour you seek, though?”

“The light of hope in dark nights, Lady.” I rested both hands on the balustrade. “The sky looks empty without them.”

“We should speak some day.” It was not actually a request.

I bowed my head. “I'd be delighted.” I felt her gaze raking over me again, looking for something she had missed. “I know.” I sighed. “Believe me, I know.”

With a last glance, she left me alone in the night full of strangers, devoid of stars. If they had been visible above, I'd have sent them a prayer. Somehow I doubted my faith was strong enough to break through the thick ice, though. When I felt I had given Okara enough time to vanish in the crowd, I turned to make my way back to my rooms. I knew that would involve at least three more conversations, but I had them down by now. The questions I was asked were similar, the ones I asked in return followed a meticulous pattern. It was almost like playing a part on stage. 

“You're quite a disgrace, are you not?” Rukh was well-informed about the incident when I finally did manage to close the door to my study behind me. The myth about household workers being infamously up-to-date with their employer's lives seemed to be true.

“Should you not be with Sarah?” I asked back, but there was no anger in it.

“I can bring her, so you can feed her before going to bed,” he offered.

I weighed my options. She'd be grumpy if woken now and it would be a piece of work to get her back to sleep. On the other hand, I would not have to get up in a bit and could possibly sleep until morning straight. The clock showed half past one. Finally I nodded.

Feeding Sarah and putting her back to bed had a calming effect on me as well. By the time I was done, I was feeling the tiredness like dead weight in my bones. Still I returned to the study to retrieve my earrings. They might be nothing special, but they were one of the few things I had that, that...

I closed my hand around them staring off into space. _A handful of promises that never_ _-_ Just as I turned, I noticed that one of the drawers was slightly open. I stopped. I did not use any of the drawers, mostly because I still had nothing to put in them. So it had not been me. Had Sarah been playing with it? I could not remember. But if she had, how likely was it, that she had left a soggy surprise in there. With a sigh, I pulled it open.

I stopped again.

I stared.

There was a letter in the drawer. So far so good and it would not have caught my attention except that this letter had my name on it. My hand crept towards it. It did not burn me or anything. It was just a letter. Just. Ha! The envelope was of a thick beige paper with a rough texture.

For a moment I hesitated. Then I sat down and ripped it open. Unsurprisingly there was a sheet of paper in it, a thinner variety of the envelope. Somebody had style.

_Dear Mellanna_ , it read, _we are sorry to approach you like this._ It took me a moment to realise that it was written in basic. Somebody was hiding letters written in basic in my drawers. Now, that had not sounded quite right. Anyway, I read on.

_Please do not think you are alone. You are not. We cannot, yet, show our allegiance to your mission in public, but when the time has come, be assured that we_ will _be there._

_In the meantime we will be able to at least facilitate some kind of communication with the one you left behind. If possible, we will clear out any message you left in this drawer and make sure it arrives where it belongs. Mayhap, there will be replies waiting for you one day._

It was signed only with 'good friends', or actually allies which was just a compound of 'good' and 'friends'. Now this was really informative. When I tried to put the letter back into the envelope a second, smaller sheet of paper caught my eye. It was of a very flimsy quality and the edges looked as if it had been torn from something bigger.

_New Republic and Empire Enter Tentative Truce_ , a headline ran over it. I had to smile despite myself. Now that was good news. He had not wiped them out. Yet. “And don't you dare,” I whispered to myself, “or I'll have your balls for breakfast.” Well that had sounded a lot less conspicuous inside of my head.

I read through the short article that seemed optimistic about the whole thing as long as nobody made a wrong move. Or any move. I'd get to know how that had worked out someday. I put both papers back into the envelope, grabbed my earrings and wondered where my personal safe was.

I felt very vulnerable, letting the letter lie around somewhere. I felt ridiculous, trying to hide it under my clothes. There was no way in hell I'd put it next to my personal belongings. For a while I sat on the bed, dangling my legs. Looking around I did not find any safe place. Or maybe they were all safe places because unlike humans Chiss would just never touch another person's things. I needed to inquire after that. Politely.

In the end I decided to just put it under my pillow for the night. It was ridiculous and silly. It was not a solution. But it made me happy, so there was that. I laid down feeling slightly dazed about the prospect of sending messages home, slightly annoyed that part of that home was not with me right now, and very tired because it had been a long day. I fell asleep with a smile on my lips.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	19. Chapter 18

I had just gotten comfortable, my mind busily chomping away at the events of the day, when Sarah declared the night to be over. With a moan I dropped out of bed and immediately remembered why I had cut that habit.

“Bother.”

The floor did not reply. It was likely not a morning person either. After getting Sarah settled, I stumbled into the bathroom. It was still huge. Half of it was still empty. The woman in the mirror looked done for. I wondered how well Chiss would be able to read my looks. At least the skin under my eyes now was somewhat blue. They should appreciate that.

I was the first to breakfast, too. The table was set and as soon as I slumped down in a chair I got tea. Mumbling something that might have been language I stared into the cup. How long until I could drink konot again? Thkela kept inquiring after Sarah's eating habits and seemed more or less taken aback by the fact my daughter showed no signs of interest in 'real' food. Oh, she'd grab it and chew on it and drool all over it. But then she'd just drop it.

Right now I gave her foods that didn't fall apart when drenched and were not full of sugar. She bounced the bread-like stuff off the table top repeatedly, leaving wet spots. I had no idea how to wean a child anyway. I just hoped that eating what the adults ate would be more appealing to her one day. Even though it wasn't even appealing to me right now. The thumping was annoying and I wondered if any of the drinks I had had the night before had contained alcohol. It had not tasted like it, but then there were cocktails. And did Chiss even react to alcohol the way humans did?

I slogged my way though my first cup of tea. Then I took the refill, Sarah and a Tchena fruit to my favourite spot in the garden. I left Sarah to explore the grass though I had to keep an eye on her somewhat because she had decided it was time to move herself. Still she was not sure if she was a dachshund or a seal.

I sipped on my tea, slowly eating the yellow fruit. It was not quite the same as sitting outside and enjoying an early morning. There was no sunrise, no slanting light, no early birds. No breeze moved the low branches of teal-grey leaves. I had hoped that being sheltered under the high dome of branches I could pretend, but it had turned out that I could not. I was only better at ignoring the fact that the light was always the same.

Sarah had managed to reach the fringe of branches sweeping the floor and was testing if she could topple the tree if only she pulled hard enough. I got up to crouch beside her, just in case she wanted to eat her defeated enemy. I was not sure how edible the leaves would be. Instead I gave her the stone of the Tencha and let her chew on that. Nothing was happening in spades this morning. I felt like going back to bed.

Of course that was not to be. Thorra, Thirba, and Thkela still had an axe to grind with me for my impossible behaviour. I was not surprised when Rukh came to summon me. I handed over my daughter who squealed with joy to have her personal teddy back.

Maybe I should have inquired more closely. Instead I was very surprised to find Aden wait for me. He held out his hand, presenting a small stack of cards. I curled my fingers in question.

“You better answer them,” he explained. “The calls are all from persons ranking higher than you.”

“Don't you say!” I pasted surprise all over me.

He dropped the cards in my hand and left. There was probably a lot of cleaning up still to do after yesterday. I browsed through the cards and realised they were actually some kind of floppy disk. Most of them were burgundy, but there was some red and a sprinkle of assorted rainbow among them. I might not be good enough to talk to in public, but leaving me demanding messages would hurt no one.

I trudged up to my study stacking the cards next to the reader. Social life, here I come. I should not have felt so dejected. Slipping the first card into the slot, I got a name, designation and expected type of reply. Mitth'ike'rembod would like an appointment for a conversation via comms. Well, I could oblige. I offered a few times to chose from because that was polite. As it turned out, I did not have to get the card to him somehow. Once I had done the replying, the card went white and dormant. Neat system, actually,

Thubal was inquiring after my well-being. I sent him a long note of thanks indicating that he might call or visit if he ever felt so inclined. Not that I thought he would. It was not done. If anybody was to go anywhere, that would be me. And I would have to make a lot of visits until anybody would stoop to see me. Those inferior moved their sorry butts. Exceptions were great receptions the like I had just experienced and visitors with no homes on the planet they stayed on. Talk about mixed signals.

It took me some time to realise that if you knew how to look, the colours of the cards already told you who they were from. I would have to practice that. Guessing would not always help me, and there were just so many minor branches of any family that I needed to be more specific than that.

At least comm calls were highly appropriate for anybody who lived off-world. The few who had been present yesterday but would leave again soon were in an advantageous position. They could indulge their curiosity as well as keep their distance. Maybe I could get some invitations from them. Now that would be something to look forward to: getting out from under the ice and seeing some real sky again.

I put my head in my hands. It hadn’t been six months yet, and I already had gotten into a paddy about the lack of sky. This might be a very, very long stay. It was a bit of a disappointment to find that the red card was not from Okara. That's what you got for getting your hopes up. Instead Nuruodo'det'taram inquired after me. I sent her a polite reply with the usual trimmings.

That done, I felt ready to indulge in some self-pity. I had gotten as far as my stock of chocolate, when it was time to meet Thorra after all. I decided to leave the chocolate until after, certain I'd need it even more then.

It was quite unfair, I decided, that I could not tell if Thorra showed any signs of fatigue. Her skin was of the usual smooth blue, no darker shades under the eyes, no sagging corners of her mouth, her lor'kina tight as always. In comparison I must have looked like a heap of shit. Provided Chiss could tell signs of human fatigue. I hope that worked somehow in my favour and made sure my body language was as snappy as it got.

“I assume the requests for contact have reached you,” she began.

I raised my arms a little, lowered my head a little, kept silent. Since I didn't know where this was going, I would be careful.

“How did you answer them?”

How did she know I had done that already? I didn't want to believe everybody knew what I was going to do all the time and decided on some kind of logbook for outgoing messages. “As is proper, Mitth'orr'arash,” I replied. “Indicating my current inability to go anywhere because of the traditions of my people.”

“Good. At least in this you display intelligence.” She shook her head curtly in my direction. “You now have access to the schedule of the House. If you are to attend any of the appointments scheduled, we will let you know.”

Well, that was indeed important to me. I got to know what was going on, but could do nothing but sulk if not invited. It sounded like a lovely prospect. Still I accepted in silence with a slice of gratitude.

“You appointments will be listed in your own column. Make sure they do no overlap with important appointments of the House.”

Another agreement from me. Though I had no idea what that about overlapping was. Nobody would be scatterbrained enough to schedule an appointment with me at the same time as with somebody else of the House. I mean, okay, _I_ would, but we were talking Chiss here.

“Aden will now take you to our storage. Let him mark the items you want and let him know where you want them. He will see to it.” And with that I was dismissed.

No rant about pathetically breaking into tears for no reason. No berating for making a spectacle of myself. Not a word about how I didn't bring honour to the house. Or dishonour unto my cow. I was perplexed. Somehow I did not believe in the least that my little problem had gone unnoticed. How I hated those mind games.

Storage was not even off the compound. Some very sneaky bastard had thought it a waste of perfectly good space to have only dirt under the gardens. So he had tunnelled the ground like Swiss cheese. Neat corridors with white walls led into a most orderly labyrinth. I was glad I could rely on our steward to find out again or might never have been seen again.

At last he unlocked a door, threw a light switch and I was confronted with the packed up remains of the former life of my probably-husband. It was not much. Boxes, a little furniture, stacks of paintings. I would need time to look at all of it. I asked Aden if he could collect me later, because I really didn't want to detain him that long.

Left alone, I took a moment to lean against the wall and stare. So this was what afterlife looked like. I didn't like it. I knew I would have to start with the paintings. Personal as they might be for my Admiralship, I could judge them on my simple scale of pretty to urgh. I wandered along the small aisle to get a better idea of how much stuff there was. Around the last corner I took advantage of the wall again, leaning against it rather suddenly.

Hidden in the last corner, or maybe brought in first because of its size was one of those heater-pianos. Swallowing and licking my lips I approached it cautiously. There were not many good reasons to keep something like that. It was definitely not the one that guy in black had been playing at the reception, either. That had been of a dark blue-ish brown. This one was of a rather showy white. I touched one of the thick curves lightly, ran my hand down the keyboard.

I'd never be able to play that. Not that it mattered. “Mine,” I murmured. Maybe Sarah would decide to go for an instrument when she was older. Maybe I'd just stare at it mournfully from time to time. Or I could track down the player from the evening before. A Kres, there was definitely only a limited number of them. Or I could just ask who he had been. The thought alone embarrassed me.

The paintings were mostly half-abstract; I was not sure if they were even all of Chiss origin. Thinking of my empty wall, I decided to bring some of them, because where else would I get any? If I waited until I created something worthwhile, I'd die with empty walls. So I picked, in human terms, a David Reed, a William Turner and a Günther Uecker for my rooms. I would have to research their true artists and names though. I was certain people would inquire.

The boxes held another surprise. There was obviously nothing much worth keeping from Thrawn apart from an extensive collection of sculptures. If he had had half of them displayed at once, the whole flat would have been drowned, each flat surface covered. I hadn't known my husband to be a hamster.

Since I had a lot of empty shelves and no idea how to fill them, I went ahead and chose about twenty sculptures. None would go onto the floor, though. Sarah was getting good at getting away and the last thing I needed was a sculpture falling on her. One or two would have made acceptable toys, but I wasn't sure if abusing art this way wouldn't be heavily frowned upon. The few personal items included the equivalent of books, all of which I would bring up to fill the shelves, maybe I'd even read them. There were what looked like decorations which I left where they were and undefinable things of definitely alien origin. I might return to those once I had a better grasp of what kind of alien things aliens in these parts created and for what alien purpose.

Aden accepted my list without questions. I told him, I'd make space in the shared parlour for the huge-instrument-thingy.

“It is called kal'yenok'tar,” he corrected me.

I promised myself to untangle that mess of a name later, though I was quite certain that there word 'voice' was hidden in it. And a mightily fine voice it had. “Thank you,” I said and followed him back up.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [David Reed](http://contemporarymuseum.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/363davidreed.jpg)  
> [William Turner](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Wor00CYm4U0/Sbte65amu5I/AAAAAAAABHo/ho1Oq7N1unc/s400/turner+--.jpg)   
> [Günther Uecker](http://www.galerie-lamers.de/fileadmin/uecker/ueckerdia/Guenther_Uecker-Fliessend-dia.jpg)


	20. Chapter 19

As expected nobody wanted to take up my offer of coming to visit since I was basically grounded not to mention way inferior. That gave me time to rearrange the sculptures repeatedly. The kal'yenok'tar took up a big chunk of the shared parlour but since that was huge anyway you didn't notice much.

A few more cards had arrived in the days following the reception, but mostly what had been there was it. And most of those contacts did not lead me places either. After an initial comm call which satisfied their curiosity, silence descended.

A fact Sarah was counteracting. “Mama,” she called one morning from her cradle and I think very highly of myself for not suffocating her with the ensuing hug.

“That's right, I'm you mama,” I told her fondly. “And once I get some decent images, I'll show you what dada means. You can call everybody else peasants.”

“Maa, daa,” her tone was decisive.

“I will tell them,” I assured her. Though I was not all certain this would count as words for Thorra or Thkela.

Unsurprisingly, both were unimpressed and of the opinion Sarah should already be using 'real' words. It was also worrying that she had no teeth yet and showed no signs of weaning. At least some of her hair seemed to come back. And she did not look like Jabba any longer. From a certain point of view. Since she was overall healthy and happy, I was willing to just give her more time.

“How can you not know about these things?”, Odett asked over the comm.

“I didn't expect to have children.” The idea seemed to be strange to her. Another thing to note. No matter what else, having children and a family was the done thing. Most families seemed to have two or three children. I wondered where they all went. Space, probably. Not every commander was Thrawn and even he had lost men. People died all the time. It was not a pretty realisation.

“Why not?”

I tried to hide my lack of an appropriate reply under signs of thinking. “The combination of raising children and working was organised poorly where I come from,” I finally said. “For women that often meant they had to decide for one or the other.”

Now she showed signals of thinking. The idea was incomprehensible, I had to agree. But it had not been my state to run. And now that I could probably run a state, I was far, far away. Go, me.

“It is not like this, here.”

“I know, I just didn't have time to attend proper job orientation yet.” I didn't even have to use lor'kina to get my sarcasm across.

“You reception of my words is faulty,” she replied. “They included no challenge.”

It wasn't that I didn't like Odett, I just didn't understand her correctly half of the time. My body language apologised.

“And soon you can explore the beauty of Csaplar freely.” There might have been an invitation somewhere in that. I wondered if she was using a dialect of lor'kina from another planet. Or if she was just bad at it. In which case I was never ever allowed again to complain about people not getting me. I couldn't be much better at it than her.

“I intend to,” I replied. “There is everything that I have not seen yet. And from the information I have, properly exploring Central will take long enough.”

“You will never get out of Central if you set foot into the Expeditionary Library.” She was sure of that. Though it did sound like the most boring, non-fiction library ever. “The scope of information stored there,” she confirmed my suspicion, “is quite beyond understanding. You would need a long line of lives to read it all.”

“I will apply for those right after the member card,” I assured her. “Will I need a guide? Or will it be alright to get lost in there?” There had been an invitation in this. I was curious what she would do with it.

“It might be more confusing to an outsider,” she agreed. “You will have to find out and let me know.”

I promised I would and just hoped that whatever the reason for these conversations was it would come up soon. Then we could either get to the core of this and solve it or just not talk to each other anymore. She was giving me headaches. And from the whole bunch she was the most well-meaning one. Though I was not quite sure where Thubal stood in that respect. He was distant. He watched. He waited. Looked like I had to do something drastic somehow. Preferably without bringing dishonour on the House.

I was talking this through with Rukh who had nothing to add. I talked about it with Sarah who had a lot to say about this, but most of it was unintelligible and the rest seemed disjointed and only loosely connected to anything, possibly even reality.

To keep myself amused, I made a list of all the things I wanted to see once I could move my sorry butt off the compound. Central, the library, the senate, a mall, at least one pub, the national museum (in case that was not tucked away in our storage), the wall close up, one of the park districts, the hot springs. Csaplar had been carefully placed on the map, using the hot springs as a source of energy and recreation. I wondered what they looked like.

I also sat down in more or less regular intervals to write a letter. _Dear Husband,_ I would begin, or _Dear Thrawn_. Sometimes I made it to the first sentence. Usually the paper ended up in a heap of ash because I couldn't stand the idea that anybody might find it. One of the attempts had started. _You blue-skinned bastard son of a bitch._ It had been a that kind of day.

Many days I had tried to write to Thrawn had not been good days. And soon I had given up trying to write to him before I went to bed because I would only end up curled up under my fluffy blanket in a snuffling ball of misery. That was not a solution.

I wished I could just comm him like the queue of curious Chiss. Call him and tell him I missed him and what was he thinking and how my life would be infinitely better if he were just here so I could shout at him in person. Because I missed him and was all alone on this weird planet he called home, but it wasn't for me despite the grey sky and the recycled air and the thick carpet that was not of a dark burgundy but felt all the same, at least between my toes.

And that Sarah could say 'dada' as well now, but rarely ever had use for the word because how could I put up pictures of her father right next to the characters from fairy tales and children's books? How would I explain to her one day that her father was not a mythical figure, but a real person when I had no anecdotes to tell and there was more information on King Arthur than him?

And how I was unable to put any of this down on paper because that was so final and made the words lose their meaning and drowned them in insignificance. I really, really wanted to complain to him in person. It didn't even matter what he would say or do. He'd be there and that would be enough.

I crushed another sheet of paper between my fingers, put it down in s small silver bowl and set it on fire. 'Dear God, give me words', I prayed, 'that I will not regret.' But I knew there were none.

So I picked up a bush instead and slashed a streak of red against the white canvas. It hung there for a moment, before thin lines of paint slowly began to trickle towards the floor. I closed my eyes and my fist around the brush. Painting never took the pain away the way writing had. And I could not tear apart a canvas each time I felt like it. You could probably make an art of that somehow, but it didn't feel right.

Putting the brush down carefully, I made my way back to the sleeping room gingerly. Everything came to an end sooner or later. All I had to do was endure. That couldn't be so hard, could it?

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	21. Chapter 20

As it turned out, enduring was more than I could do. Sarah was getting her first tooth. It was a loud and painful affair for everybody involved. I had thought that advanced medicine had found a way to ease the pain of this but either nobody had ever thought about it, or it was considered a character-building event.

The one thing it certainly built was sleep deprivation. I walked around like zombie and didn't dare think of how people without a nursemaid managed. Thkela was only slightly pleased. Sarah was late with her teeth, just as she was with everything else. And whatever words she might have been about to use grew completely unimportant next to the wailing she needed to get rid off. I wondered how long it would take until all teeth were there. I wondered how long until they started falling out again and if she'd make a fuss. Was there a Chiss tooth fairy?

Instead of researching that, I had to plan my first foray into Csaplar. Only I wouldn't really get to go to Central right away. It would be enough to show my funny-coloured face in the Mitth District at first. Let people here get used to the fact that my skin was a few shades lighter than it should, not to mention removed to the side a few shades from proper. I think 'dead-eyed' was the common description. My skin had the colour of dead eyes. Great; I was indeed a zombie.

Since zombie movies were not a thing on Csilla, I had nobody to share silly zombie jokes with. Not that I was sure anybody in the Empire would have understood. How had my life become so void of pop culture? It was an abomination.

“Can't I just go to the mall, grab a cup of caf, window-shop and return?” I asked Thkela. “Everybody could see me and I could see something myself. I would not be visiting any House and making some statement with that.” I did not suggest stapling Sarah's eyes and mouth shut so people wouldn't talk about her strange eyes and incessant crying.

“What would the purpose of such a trip be?” Thkela wanted to know.

“I would get out for a change,” I replied.

“It cannot look as if you had just waiting for this moment,” she said. “If you felt like a prisoner during your reclusion, what was the use of that? Why keep the tradition you do not approve of when there is no one to reproach you for it?”

“Because it is all I have left?” I let the complicated Chiss shrug ripple over me. “What else of my culture can I have here but traditions, no matter what I think of them? It might come in very handy, as well.” I let the question hang between us half asked.

“Be that as it may, it will not do now,” Thkela insisted.

“I could visit the tailor for a new outfit, if I was actually going to see anybody ever,” I said. “But the only people I talk to semi regularly are Thulba and Odett.”

“There might be a way.” Her body language indicated she had just had an idea. I was not sure how trustworthy that was. “Mitth'ar'alani will come for her visit soon. Though she was central in the banishment, you would see her.”

“I would want to make a good impression,” I agreed. “I will have to look my best.”

“Your plain tunic will not do. You will need a formal outfit, even if it is only in blue.” She was thinking faster than she could explain herself to me. But that was fine, I could wait. “A public confrontation has to be avoided. You are of one House after all.”

“I will barely contain myself,” I offered, the half-question still hovering between us.

“That will do. Afterwards we will schedule a visit at the school.” She dropped her shoulders in the equivalent of a sigh. “It will be much too early for that, I am afraid, but people do not have to know that yet.”

I wanted to bristle and defend my daughter, but there was nothing to say I hadn't said time and again. The Chiss were rather impervious to the idea that other races were just different and that there was nothing bad about that.

“I can take her to a park district,” I suggested.

Thkela flashed a short agreement at me with her hands. “Taking the child to see places is a good plan. I will make you a list.” Well, that had escalated quickly.

“I will have to bring Rukh.”

She looked at me sharply. “Your bodyguard cannot be seen with you,” she said. “There is no explanation for him that will hold.”

“If he does not go, I will not go.” I spread my fingers slightly. “He will protect me and the sooner people get used to seeing him wherever I am, the sooner they will begin to ignore him. I do not want him visible,” I broke off. I couldn't really say 'in case I stir up a hornets nest trying to get Thrawn back here.’

“I understand.” Somehow I really hoped she didn't but how would I ever know? “You will take him to the tailor, he will need matching clothes.” She looked into the distance, probably trying out the new outfit on Rukh. “He will be very visible.”

“We can hide him in plain view if we start soon enough.”

“Her'ua,” she closed the matter and thus we were decided.

Rukh immediately made sure that my ceremonial dagger fit into the broad belt of my everyday outfits. I would not wear my blasters in public. Carrying blasters was of the military, there was no reason to do so. Carrying blasters meant that you intended harm. They also called them charrics here.

“You can carry them if you visit less civilised planets,” Thorra had explained sternly. She had not elaborated which planets might fall into this category. “If they are of importance for your status, they can be worn discharged to ceremonial occasions.”

I stared at the blasters, trying not to think of the ceremonial occasion in which I had a blaster charged with just one shot. I could still kill people by hitting their windpipes with the handles. I didn't think I was strong enough to crush skulls with them.

“The lightsaber,” the basic word sounded very strange embedded in Cheunh, “cannot be carried in public as it cannot be discharged.”

I had promised to keep it safe and not burn holes into the walls, floors or ceilings. I hadn't used it ever since.

“You need to practice with it again,” Rukh insisted. “Even if you are not going to be efficient with it, it will give you the moment of surprise. Such weapons are unknown here. Make use of that.”

I had tried once, but Sarah had kept trying to touch the green shiny light and it hadn't felt safe at all. I had adjourned that for the time she would go to school. Considering the Chiss system, I would not get to see much of her any longer then. Since Chiss kids had only few years to learn at school, the time was crammed with as much of it as would fit. I really hoped the children learnt as fast as they grew up.

So we practised with the knife instead while Sarah watched carefully. I hoped she would have it easier for starting so soon.

“But you won’t always have a knife,” Rukh said one day, “and you are good enough in the khrarath to start defending yourself.”

It took me a moment to understand that the khrarath was what I called battle tai chi chuan. I shouldn’t have been so surprised to find out it was actually a way of fighting.

“I don’t know if I could kill a person with my hands,” I said.

“You will never find out if you are not prepared and get killed instead.” You couldn’t argue with that logic.

And hey, I had been able to shoot a defenceless man. How much worse could it be? I looked at my hands. “Does it get easier?” I wanted to know, “if you do it more often?”

The Noghri had killed stormtroopers without any advanced weapons, without any idea of their weaknesses. They had killed men like Dave with bare hands, sticks and stones. The thought was actually terrifying once I made the connection to Dave, or Lyk.

“It does and it does not,” Rukh replied rather helpfully. “The mechanics get easier. You know where to apply the pressure to snap the bone, how much pressure you need, and you learn to fracture or bruise instead. You learn to avoid the blood because it is difficult to clean out again. You come to terms with all physical aspects of it.

“If you can come to terms with their eyes, the inaudible last breath they take and their life force battering yours as you separate it from their bodies, I do not know. Only you can find out.”

I stared at him.

“What did you expect? Each time you take a life, you extinguish a myriad of opportunities. The person could have influenced the universe in any number of ways. But you put an end to that. You say 'no more'. The emptiness they leave behind is on you.”

That was not the answer I had wanted, neither the one I had expected. I was quite afraid it was also true. “ I don't think I want to find out,”  I finally said.

“I do not want you to, either.” He looked small and solemn suddenly. “That is why I am here.”

There was no reply to that. I still couldn't wrap my head around the idea that somebody thought my life worth protecting, but trying to protect my soul, or however you wanted to call it, that was on a whole new level of incomprehensible. I couldn't begin to fathom the reasons.

So instead I put away the knife and decided to honour that commitment. I would be able to defend myself in case we did not get our wish. And I would not hesitate. I would brace for the rage and the emptiness. I would bear the consequences. But I would not disappoint Rukh.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	22. Chapter 21

The day I got my pad back was the day I visited the tailor. That was a happy coincidence, because upon my return from the tailor I was not a happy camper. It turned out that orange was the colour reserved for bodyguards. It didn't do much for invisibility, but that was obviously not wanted. So there was that.

Additionally, the guards wore the reversed patterns of those they protected. In my case that meant Rukh would be an inconspicuous blotch of bright orange.

“You will need to get yourself a house pattern,” he commented. “It is the only way to reduce the amount of orange.”

The tailor had not even looked up at us talking in basic. He was busy poking needles into the cloth very carefully. Now and then Rukh moved an arm or leg to indicate the range his clothes would have to grant him. I half expected him to just raise his leg in a split while calmly standing in the room and discussing colours with me.

“I am not sure burgundy suits me that well,” I sighed. “And there is no chance in hell I'll get into the military which leaves politics.” I considered it a moment. “That's a great possibility if they have a ministry for social gaffes.”

For myself I got the full regalia, not the long tunic but the layered stuff. It was as blue as it got without encroaching on Inrokini territory. I was not quite sure yet, but I think there was more infra-red on their blue, something that made it more blazing. But I had difficulties describing colours in my new spectrum.

Thrawn had taught me how to keep Mitth and Nuruodo apart diligently and that had taught me the difference between red with and without the infra-red touch. But even then the best I could do in description was using the words 'bright' or 'dark' or 'burgundy'. I could use 'warm' and 'cold' but that seemed even more off. There was just a difference in how bright they were, how they affected the eye.

“Will you have soles to elevate you?” Ser'jentos asked.

I had to think before I got his meaning. “No.” Since I was stuck in a wealth of folds pinned together with pointy objects I refrained from using much lor'kina. He glanced up at me shortly from where he was working on the hem of one of the attached scarf-like extensions. Hey, I knew I was short, alright? I was even short using human standards. But what good would pretending be? I would just break my ankles if I wore plateau boots. “My size will be of minor interest, considering,” I replied.

If he considered, he did so in silence. When I was finally allowed to move again, I turned in front of the mirror to admire myself. The robes were amazing; not even my face sticking out of them could ruin them. With high black boots, which I could really wear here because they would be custom made to fit over my calves, it would look even more amazing.

“Will you need anything else?” Serj asked.

I had the good manners to think about this for a moment before declining.

“Very well.” He helped me out of the porcupine disguised as robes. “We will deliver it in three days together with three sets for you bodyguard.” He indicated Rukh.

I indicated agreement. Lucky that I didn't have to pay right then. Or maybe not so much because this way I'd never get to see native currency. For all I knew they could be trading with camels. We took a polite leave and I was more than tempted to sag once I was through the door. But that was impossible.

“As long as you are off the compound, you are on display,” Thkela had impressed on me. “You _will_ be watched. Do not trust your eyes when they see nobody.”

I had nodded, then corrected myself hastily and displayed the lor'kina equivalent. And I had done well so far. Though I had not always seen people, I was quite sure that many of the windows we passed had eyes behind them. I just had not cared. It was exhilarating to be off the House grounds. It was not quite as exhilarating to leave Sarah with her nursemaid, but what choice did I have? It would not help at all to have a wailing blue bundle with me. I really wished her teeth would just be over with it already.

The streets seemed even wider when you walked them on foot. It might have been the fact that there were no vehicles driving on them. Empty streets flanked by broad pavements interspersed with trees, brushes or flowerbeds. The pavement felt like half a park. Only it wasn't because at irregular intervals there were actual parks with fountains and benches and people promenading around. The dominant colour was the red of House Mitth. But most of the Chiss wore shades of brown and beige that marked them as commoners. Scarves of red or sashes showed their allegiance.

The streets curved gently as they ran around the District. Five main roads branched outwards like a star from the overhead railway station. From above it must have resembled a very meticulous spider's web. The compound was surrounded by smaller houses, each with a meticulous garden in front. Exotic plants and what I assumed to be plants because they stood in the front gardens were arranged either tastefully or fashionably. I had difficulty telling the difference.

The air was scented with many flowers. Each house I passed by had another smell. It was like walking through the flavours of an ice cream parlour. Most houses were build out of the bronze stone I had come to know. Sometimes I was almost certain it was fake. The only thing necessary to complete the impression of a real outside was a breeze of air.

The tailor was not far away, just over the next main road into the clutter of houses in the middle of section two. The houses were taller here. Up to four storeys rose from the ground, the gardens were nominal rather than actual. Carelessly sitting down might destroy half of one. The streets were narrower or seemed to be because the houses were higher. It was not a place where I wanted to live.

Not that I actually wanted to live anywhere on Csilla. But if I felt the oppressive sky so much in the spacious anero, how badly would I fare in a normal house? I didn't want to know. I didn't see a pub, though or something resembling a shop. Those were supposedly all clustered around the beanstalk of the railway.

I had the feeling that there were a lot more people in the parks as we retuned home. Not that anybody paid any attention. They wouldn't, naturally. They were Chiss; they were above looking at me, if not above me.

Approaching the anero on foot made it even more impressive. The two storeys positively loomed and it was only now that I realised why. Each storey was as least as high as one and a half normal storeys. This explained why the kitchens and other servicing rooms under the roof still had a decent height. It was all a matter of scale.

We had just arrived when Thorra asked to see me. And that is when I got my pad back.

“The CDF has declared it safe,” she announced satisfied. “It will take a little longer to get your ship out of their hands, but we will get it back.”

“Thank you.” I hoped I didn't overdo the gratitude and made her feel ridiculed.

“It is understandable that House Nuruodo wants to keep the technology as long as possible,” she went on. “But it is neither as new nor as exotic as they claim.”

This registered with something else I had heard, but right then my head refused to make the connection. My fingers were clamped about the tiny black piece of home in my hands.

“It is nothing special,” I agreed. I did not say that had it been, the special would have been stripped away on Nirauan for sure. “I don't think I will need it any time soon either.” It was not as if I had somewhere to go.

“Even if we decide to take you Copero with us already, you will not need your own ship for that," Thorra mused. "I will consider what to do with it once we have it back.”

Again I agreed. What else could I do? My social life was as dead as a dead thing under several tons of ice. I was not quite certain how walking the District would help that any, but even if it did, it would take a long time until I was invited anywhere off this floe.

I returned to my rooms, putting the pad down on my pillow. There was no time right for it now and using it would likely put me into a very sad mood anyway. Which was not necessary because I had a daughter that could put me in all kinds of moods. Admittedly, teething had made a dent in the range, but that wouldn't last.

When she was asleep, I practised some more self-defence with Rukh, read some, painted some, despaired some about both and went to bed. I had about forgotten the pad by then and was a little surprised to find it. For a long moment I just held it. Then I turned it on.

More precisely, I tried to turn it on. It was out of power. I shook it in frustration but refrained from throwing it against the wall. Once I had visited her future pre-school, I definitely needed to make a detour to she shopping district. Somebody there had to find a way to load the battery again. I placed the pad next to me meagre possessions and curled up under my blanket. I had known using the pad would put me in a bad mood.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	23. Chapter 24

How going through the District would help my social life rise from the dead became clear when Thkela suggested I take Sarah to a park afterwards. It was where people lingered when they had nothing to do and where social interaction without consequences happened. And why not? There was no danger it would rain, or get cold or that a sudden gust of wind blew clouds in front of the sun and made a mild day chilly.

The days would always be mild. If it rained, you were doomed anyway. You could bring a jacket but it would be as much for decoration as for keeping you warm. Going outside on Csilla was going outside as much as entering a conservatory.

The three of us made a strange little group; me and Rukh with a blue child. If that hadn't been deemed impossible to happen on Csilla, I am sure we would have been taken for child robbers. Or maybe not, because everybody knew about the aliens living in House Mitth.

The teacher showing us around pre-school had certainly not been surprised. I wondered if my picture had leaked and was passed around from hand to hand under the counter. It was an idea almost as scary as having my face on plates and mugs and keyrings. Rukh unsettled the Chiss but he was very good at being invisible.

Politely the teacher inquired after Sarah's age and when I expected her to start attending. Neither answer pleased him, but, as everybody else, he had to allow for deviations. She was only half Chiss after all. The place was nice enough, everything looked tiny and was still too big for Sarah. There was a gym and a garden and I could see a group of little blue smurfs running around in an orderly fashion in one and crawling around in any fashion in the other.

There would be speech training, introduction to arts and all kinds of socially relevant stuff. It did not sound like a walk in the park and I already had a bad conscience for leaving my daughter in such a high-standards environment.

“You will do fine,” I assured her as we left.

“Jajaja,” she replied confidently. Thkela might not consider it proper speaking but as far as German was concerned, this did nicely.

In the park I put her down on the spongy green plant standing in for grass. It was cushioning each step and I felt a little like walking on drugs. Sarah dug her fingers into the plant and tried to find out if there was anything inside the holes. Fortunately I knew there wasn't. Csilla did not have a lot of insects. I was not sure if it was a good thing or not that my daughter would never be tempted to eat an earthworm.

“What do children on your planet do?” I asked Rukh.

He seemed relaxed, but I could see him watch everything intently. “They learn to fight,” he said. “Once they can move about, that is what the games are about. We have developed a very good system.”

I didn't doubt him. I wondered if the children noticed. I wondered if that mattered. I wondered if the spongy stuff came loose easily because Sarah had decided to pull on it. I dug my hand into it and found out that it was indeed like a sponge. It didn't give much and a tug from me didn't rip anything off. So far so good.

Rukh procured a huge marble from one of his pockets and dropped it before my daughter. It bounced. A moment later Sarah and the marble bounced together. I was just glad the ground was so soft.

“Good for the balance and quick reactions,” Rukh almost whispered. “Increases the hand-eye-coordination. And too big for her to swallow,” he added as an afterthought.

We played until Sarah got tired. I carried her around until she fell asleep and sat down on a bench. It would have been really nice, cliché afternoon nice, if there had been a bit of sun shining down and a whisper of wind to accompany the sound of birds.

“How old is she?” A woman I could only describe as old, looked down at the sleeping Sarah.

“Six months, Lady,” I replied.

“She should be in preschool, shouldn't she?” There was a definite tone of disapproval in her voice.

“We have been there just now, Lady,” I said. It was easier than explaining the whole story. Small talk ensued and I was thankfully absolved from using much lor'kina on account of having my hands full.

When she had left, I looked at Rukh. “So this is how it works, huh? How long do you think we have to sit here until somebody interesting comes along?”

“That would depend entirely on the regularity of the event and the social acceptance that approaching you here has.” He thought for a moment. “It might also depend on who you consider interesting.”

“And possibly the location of the park,” I continued. "This might not be the best choice.”

“Sector one will be closer,” he followed my train of thought. But before we could continue making plans for sneaking up on unsuspecting Nuruodo or Chaf visitors, another woman approached us. And that was how it went until we got up and turned to leave. I kept my eyes open, looking at the other Chiss in the park. It was likely that I would be allowed to approach any of them. Unfortunately, my choice of conversation topics was pretty much zero. It was easier to approach me, because Sarah was an obvious subject.

At home I created a map with all parks of the Mitth District. There was one in each section except for the first. There was too much of the anero in that section to allow for another park. In sections three and five the parks were situated close to the connector to the adjoining districts, probably to allow easier mingling. I approved, though it meant I would likely be mingling close to the Nuruodo District at first. It was just much closer and in case Sarah had enough it would be faster to get back to the anero.

“When do you plan to send her to preschool?” Thorra wanted to know over dinner.

I looked at my doomed child playing with her food. Her interest in what we ate had increased lately, but more of it ended up scattered over her face, chest, and the table than in her mouth. Sometimes even the bits that managed to get in there ended up on the table in the end.

“When she is weaned enough not to starve,” I decided.

“Everything takes so long with her,” Thkela sounded worried. “How will she ever be able to keep up?”

“She won't,” I had to admit. “But it is inaccurate to judge her only after Chiss measures.”

“No other measure is applicable here.” She was not happy, but not only because my daughter was a problem but also because she saw no feasible solution. It annoyed her; she was not used to it. And logically she understood that the problem actually should not be a problem.

Well, bother the whole stupid lot of them.

“We will manage.” I excluded the rest of the family on purpose. It was up to them to decide if they were in or not. Knowing Thorra her professional pride would get her. Insurmountable problems did not exist, you just had to find the right climbing gear.

I wondered if the forokintaän of each House was like this. Unstoppable. If that happened to be the case Known Space could be glad the Chiss were so self-centred. Unleashed on the universe they'd be terrible. And I was locked up here with them. I really had to work on making this a Rorschach situation.

After putting Sarah to bed I worked out a routine that would cover all of the parks in a regular fashion while still leaving me enough time to care for Sarah and organise events with Rukh. Life was getting structured again. While we were at it, we decided on regular hours for training and language lessons. His German was coming along frighteningly, whereas my Honoghran was still incomprehensible. I had made some progress understanding it, but I was certain that I didn't even hear all the relevant sounds.

“I think it is hopeless,” I sighed. “And even if I learn it, when will I ever be able to use it?”

“When will I have need to use your German?” He asked back.

Of course I had no answer. German was even more useless than Honoghran. “When nobody else must understand,” I said finally. “Because Basic is not a safe language here any more. Though,” I had to admit, “Honoghran will likely be of even more use then. It will sound like we're just randomly growling at the situation.”

Since I would need battle vocabulary for this, Rukh decided to use his mother tongue for teaching me self-defence. That way, I'd know what he wanted me to do. In return I could be very specific myself in my orders. Provided I got them out in a way he could understand.

“We will manage,” he growled in Cheunh, using the inclusive 'we' for people of the same rank.

Instead of resting my head against his shoulder, I had a long shower. It didn't matter I came out of it with very red eyes because of which I went directly to bed. Why was the stupid thing so fucking big? No matter how I sprawled all over it, I felt lost in the vastness of it. It was a poignant reminder of how alone I was. I didn't like it.

A sudden idea shot through my head. Grabbing my blankets I trudged into the shared parlour and settled down on one of the sofas. There, problem solved. I snuggled up with my back to the backrest and congratulated myself on my cleverness.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	24. Chapter 23

The system of visiting the parks worked out nicely. Sarah started to prefer normal food and I had found a shop that was able to build an adapter to load my pad. Now and then I attend family gatherings. It was amazing how much family there was. But then again, a Ruling Family was keeping up a whole sector of the economy. You needed a lot of manpower for that. Consequently many family dinners felt more like business meetings.

My robes arrived and so did those of Rukh. Standing next to each other we looked pretty ridiculous. "Pat and Patterchen," I sighed. The orange made Rukh look like the most lethal Shaolin you could imagine.

"I stand out," he stated. "It is required but not encouraged. The tradition will hopefully blend the colour with the background for most Chiss." He stretched to see if the tunic and trousers granted enough movement. Then he growled satisfied.

"That's what I hope," I agreed. "And we get to practice within the anero." Ar'alani's visit was scheduled for the following week. I was taking particular interest in setting that up. She arrived with the Alani branch of the House which was not important in itself but famous for the number of high military leaders that belonged to it.

They had made it their trademark. At any given time you would find at least one Alani admiral in the Chiss Expansionary Defense Fleet.

_Not Ar'Alani any longer_ , I reminded myself. She had retired from active duty a year ago. Now she was a consultant on military matters. She had her family name back, but for whatever reasons, the letter that had been cut from her core name when she had become admiral was gone for good.

"We will do the second form again," Rukh interrupted my thoughts. "And you will draw the knife between Faked Breach and High Slash." He demonstrated the movement he expected. It looked so easy when he did that.

It took me three attempts to even get the knife out of my broad belt. The remainder of the session was spent in learning how to adapt the form from bare hands to the use of a knife. In the end I was pretty certain I would be unable to kill anybody this way, with or without knife.

Where I had been watching the foreign affairs and military developments so far, I turned my glance inwards. The local gatherings, events and intra- as well as inter-family developments were suddenly more important. I had to meet people. And to do that in a least awkward fashion, I needed to talk to them. And for that I needed adequate subjects. For obvious reasons, the weather on Csilla was not one of them.

Politics were too delicate for small talk, what went on in your House was too private. Due to their phenomenal metabolism, nobody really bothered with sports, which was a relief. Though, I might have been persuaded to get interested in Chiss gymnastics, or some figure skating. They certainly had enough ice around here.

But no, such things would not happen. I should be glad they had at least invented their own piano. I would have to look up concerts with that kal'yenok'tar. Even if I made a spectacle of myself again.

"The main museums are mainly permanent exhibitions," Rukh said without looking up. "Once you are done with them, you only have the specials to worry about. They change two or three times a year."

"Oh, good." I peered over his shoulder. "I think I should look at 'The Reception of the Diaspora through time' before it ends." Csaplar had three main museums, one historical, one scientific and one for art. Add to that the fact that each House District had an art museum plus several scattered galleries, I would be very busy for the rest of my life if wanted to be thorough.

How had Thrawn survived growing up in a place that celebrated something which was pretty much porn to him this forcefully? And how did he ever manage to get things wrong and himself exiled when surrounded with the soul and inner workings of his own people? The only explanation I had was that overexposure had somehow blinded him.

"I guess I'll start with the Mitth and Nuruodo museum," I pointed at the map. "Ours is in section five, and theirs in three. It's a convenience the Houses have been so close for so long."

"Nuruodo will change in two weeks," Rukh showed me the information on his screen. "I'll get the summaries, commentaries and vitae of the artists."

"Thank you." I was not sure I'd get around to visiting. Thorra was pushing more of the organisational work and bookkeeping to me. I wondered what Aden was doing now, but somehow more work had been created for him. And since my days with Sarah were officially counted, I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could.

"I still can't believe I didn't miss anything right here." I stared at the list of receptions. "Are we sure the entertainment is delivered by the host?"

Rukh growled a snort that meant this didn't warrant a reply. He was right, of course. We had done some checking and I had done some asking. I had hated it. Everybody knew how things were, why did I even have to ask? I preferred to use the computers. At least those judged me where I couldn't see it.

"Well, I wouldn't hear Thiffa reciting, Thurga writes poetry, and Thorra music that leaves Thikoa. I don't think you can do much entertaining with landscape gardening."

"Give me a hedge trimmer and I'll surprise you," Rukh replied.

I couldn't help but laugh. My imagination was definitely having too much fun with that idea. But there were definitely not enough actors and playwrights in this family. Or musicians. My thoughts wandered to the white monster of an instrument occupying a lot of space in my shared parlour. I understood why Thkela kept the harp on display where it was. It was not easy having a shared parlour when there was nobody around to do the sharing.

"Will people expect me to show paintings and such when I invite them," I suddenly asked. "I mean, it's my art. I am to entertain. How entertaining will that be? 'Yes, this is an ugly painting, excellent. Here have another.' That won't work." I sighed.

"You can offer open entertainment," Rukh reminded me. "It is often done by people who follow the more silent arts."

"That means I need to find friends that sing, play instruments or recite. Or maybe dance." I was ready to hit my face against the desk. "As if finding any friends at all here wasn't difficult enough."

"You haven't hunted down that Kres," the Noghri said. "He could even use the kal'yenok'tar in the parlour. Problem solved."

The idea to have some stranger, even if he played like a god, run his fingers all over the instrument of Thrawn made me uneasy. "Nah," I objected. "Won't get as far as the shared parlour for a while. I think you have to actually know and like somebody to invite them there."

"We could turn the private parlour into a gym for the time being," he suggested. "This doesn't sound as if you will be needing it any time soon."

"It's a beacon of hope." I scrolled down through the events in Central the coming week. "I won't let you take hope from me. Especially if it ends up being turned into a gym. Just because I like exercising now, doesn't mean I have to admit to it."

"As you wish." It was strange to hear my catch phrase from his lips. I prayed it sounded more obedient from me.

"That's it!" I suddenly exclaimed, almost punching my index finger through the display. "Did you know there was a theatre version of Journey?"

"I do not know what journey you are talking about, and no, I did not know." He turned slowly to face me.

"It's a book I read. Or tried to read," I admitted. "I left off about two thirds in because it became fucking impossible to read. That guy had sentences run over pages. He would have managed NaNoWriMo in one sentence."

Rukh looked at me with even more questions.

"Oh, sorry. Just an event where you attempt to write fifty thousand words in thirty days. I meant to say that his sentences were fucking long." I felt myself blush. It had been a long time since inexplicable earthisms had stolen into my language. "It got to difficult for me and I gave up."

"You wish to cheat on the novel by seeing the staged version," Rukh concluded correctly.

I grinned and nodded. "I'll find out how to get tickets." I stopped short suddenly aware that he would not be able to come with me. I got ready to say something but didn't find any words. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. "I don't think I should go alone," I finally said.

"I don't think that will be a problem," Rukh said. "Considering the expected amount of time any spouse in Csaplar is likely to be on their own, visiting anything on your own should be fine. You cannot expect to find a person to accompany you at any given time."

He was being kind. I was certain that everybody in this damned town had so many friends and acquaintances that they never had to go anywhere on their own. It was actually a scary idea. Maybe I should make use of this rare state as long as it lasted.

"Okay, I will go," I resolved. "As long as I can protect myself better than Sarah can protect herself, I will go alone. I just," I hesitated, "I was just not thinking again." It was too difficult, even now, for me to admit that I had simply been thinking of him as my friend. Seems I still was the same cowardly wimp I had always been.

To improve my mood, I sat down to write a long letter to my absentee Admiralship. I even got further then 'Dear Thrawn' this time. I even managed to finish and seal it this time. I felt accomplished. Communication might not be all beyond me after all. I carried the letter into my study. There I sat down and stared at it for a long time. In the end, I didn't think putting the ashes into the drawer would make any sense, so I threw them away.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	25. Chapter 24

The art in the Mitth museum turned out to be even stranger than I had expected. I had hurried to see the exhibition, even if I had to leave Sarah with Rukh for the morning. Mitth'ken'trebor had been serving with the Mitth Household Phalanx. As far as I could glean from the official records he might or might not have been in illegal contact with the Empire of the Hand. I was curious. I wanted to meet him.

Of course he was not standing at the entrance of the museum, shaking people's hands. He had been there for the opening and it was possible he would return for the closing but in between he was doing his job, which was captaining a ship in the CEDF. I had to rely on word of mouth to bring him the message that I had been seen here sooner or later. Everything seemed to take ages on Csilla.

The museum itself was a beauty. Every building in this city was beautiful so far. As if the Chiss had decided that, fuck it, if the were to live under tons of ice for the rest of eternity, they might as well do it with style. Though it was a square building and should have looked squat with its three storeys, it actually looked light enough to float away. Instead of the bronze-hued stone the walls where of a shining opalescent material. Streaks of milky blue and gold wound around each other. At the top of each storey a narrow window ran around the whole building. It's frame was chiselled from wood and painted red on red, Nuruodo and Mitth merged without borders.

As I approached I realised the veins of colour were not actually colour but somehow carved into the material of the walls. It felt very impossible, but then I was not in a universe were normal physics applied all the time. I managed not to run my hands over the surface as I entered. The inside was no less impressive.

I have grown up in a sensible town, with sensible buildings, lots of right angles, no frills. Houses with frills were for those better off. The closest I had gotten to that was visiting my aunt who had a house with a conservatory and a sauna. And suddenly I found myself living on something that might have been the set for a posh Victorian science fiction movie.

The floor looked like off-white marble, but killed any sound. The walls were of a similar almost-white, the light streamed in through the high windows. There was no till, there was no cloak room, there was no souvenir shop. There was a Chiss, however, waiting politely until I had gathered my chin off the floor and approached him.

“How can I help, Lady,” he asked politely.

I did not double over with surprise for being called by the honorary of a person of unknown status. My first impulse was to tell him my name and status and acquit him of the necessity to call me lady again. My second urge was to never ever tell anybody my name ever again.

“Thank you, Mitth'orm'eleb,” I replied, glad I could read that from his name badge. “I am Mel'anna'morrison, newly moved to anero Mitth. I would like a guide for the exhibition of Mitth'ken'trebor.”

He turned his palms in my direction. “The audio guide has two settings,” he explained handing me a box no bigger than a Walkman. “On the first you can her explanations by the artist and several critics, the second offers ambient music chosen by the artist himself.”

I found a way to detach earplugs from the tiny machine. They were in no way connected to it, though and naturally I almost dropped one. “Thank you, Mitth'orm'eleb.”

He gestured me towards the beginning of the loop road. “If you have questions not answered by the commentary, I will do my best to answer them, Lanna.”

“Thank you, Mitth'orm'eleb.” So he had taken up the offer to do the social hierarchy thing. What had I expected? I would really have to do something outstanding to get my pronoun raised to that of simply a different family, not to mention earn the right to be called by my full name.

With a sigh I put the ear plugs in and tuned in to the commentary. The first surprise was that the entrance hall wasn't really that big. Only a few metres from the doors, you walked through some kind of barrier and the world changed, drastically in this case. I had to blink and reorient myself. I could see the wall looming directly behind me, but from the other side, the room had seemed enormous. I scratched my head and looked around.

The bright walls had dimmed into a soft grey, the light filtered through the windows was of a dark red colour. The works of art were display in dazzling patches of white light, it was almost impossible to look at them in detail.

_Turn around_ , the voice in my head said. _The door you came through is gone. You are on your own now. There is no way back. Turn to your right._ I did so, looking at one of the artworks. _Have you ever seen death?_

I approached the sculpture listening to Thkent talking with only one ear. This was certainly an experience for all senses. When I was asked to press a button when I was ready to move on, I changed the mode. It was a mistake.

Whereas Thkent's voice had been like a rivulet of information, the music was blaring noise metal on full volume. I pulled out the plugs, lost one in the process and only then remembered the volume control. If somebody had told me the Chiss were partial to black metal, I would have laughed. I didn't feel like laughing right then.

I spent the better part of five minutes looking for the ear plug. In the end I found it by removing the second one and turning on the volume to full.

With the music just loud enough to be really loud but not quite deafening, I moved on. If I wanted to do music and comments both, I would have to return. I couldn't decide on what to do first. Or whether to start at the beginning do both parallel and stop in the middle. Nothing was perfect. In the end I decided to experience first. In case I really, really wanted explanations, I could always add them.

I didn't see the other Chiss until was almost on top of her. Against the dark background and with the red lighting, her clothes turned into great camouflage. Since she wasn't surprised, I guessed that I showed up easier wearing all blue. Or it was the eyes thing again. I had never come around to ask anybody how strongly Chiss saw infra-red.

I apologised politely and remembered just in time to turn my guide off. Not that I had to. She accepted and moved on. For a moment I stood blinking in the dim light. Then I shrugged and moved on as well. I'd just have to be more careful. Though it was difficult not to get sucked into the installation. I gave up that fight eventually.

I didn't know how long it took me to walk through both storeys. After a while, time became elusive. The music beat at my ears while my eyes were constantly torn between getting too much or too little light to see by. The exhibits were difficult to make out clearly. All I got were general impressions of spiky, curved or colourful.

The bright silence that greeted me when I returned to the receptions was a cruel relief. I returned my guide as if on automatic not certain if I returned myself to reality in the same process. Stepping outside wasn't much help either. Damn the artificial naturalness of this place!

Since I didn't feel like facing reality just as yet, I decided to make the detour to the centre of the district and collect my pad. If I started charging it directly after returning home, I might be able to use it before I went to bed. That was a most excellent plan.

The closer I got to the centre, the more people I saw. Nobody had gone through the trouble of a formal outfit. Still it was easy to distinguish the commoners by their shades of brown and beige. Politically active Chiss were also quite adamant on showing their grey under the family colour. I saw no children at all.

The shops clustered closely around the central stalk of the overhead railway, spreading into the first two circles, sometimes even into the third. The shop I wanted was in the second circle of section two. I looked at the goods displayed in the windows as I strolled along the circle road, the looming structure of the railway stalk to my left. It almost looked as if the shops were growing up its sides like lichen or fungi. Nowhere else in the District the buildings were as high.

The construction Ler'wanrad had come up with for my pad looked like a loading station. That was surprising because in science fiction things you knew didn't look like they would were they real. The pad stood up in the station and the plug finally fit into the local sockets.

“Charging will take approximately six hours from zero,” Ler'wanrad explained. “The old indicator for the runtime should be working fine with I. Give me a call if you encounter any trouble.”

I thanked him and was able to bill the device onto the Mitth family account. I really needed to find out if it was possible at all to own your own money or if it was always a family thing. On my way back I found something that resembled a copyshop and gave me an idea that might be the only way to actually make me send a letter off the planet. I'd have to try it some day.

Back home I plugged in the pad and spent the remaining day playing with Sarah and talking to her in Basic. Her Cheunh words came along nicely. I assumed it was the language everybody else around her talked so I had to make sure Basic got its own quality time.

“It's not your fault that you grow up in a linguistic chaos,” I assured her. “And in the end you will probably speak more languages than any of us.”

“Ma ma,” she replied. “Rak.”

“Yes, we will go and find Rukh.” It would not help her language confusion to have Rukh talk to her in Honoghran but it was too late to do anything about it. She probably understood him better than I did already. The growling sounds she sometimes made indicated that she might even speak it better than I did. But then it was the children's task to outdo their parents. I just hadn't expected it to happen so soon.

“She is speaking better than you do,” Rukh confirmed my fears.

“Great,” I muttered. “That way she can at least emigrate to Honoghr if she doesn't like it here.”

“She will always be welcome,” Rukh replied gravelly. “Though she might prefer going to New Honoghr.”

I almost asked him how things were going in that respect. The Noghri had found a new planet, so how was actually living working out for them? But I caught myself. How would he know? He was as stuck at the arse of the universe as I was.

“If you don't mind Thrawn reading them, I can get messages there,” I offered.

“The Grand Admiral and who else?” he wanted to know.

I had no answer to that. “You could write in your own alphabet.”

“I will think about it.” It was the tone that implied I would never of this again.

I was not tempted to write anything for a change. I stared at my pad for a long time before turning it on. The start up screen lit up and my heart stumbled a little at the familiar sight of the Imperial Seal. I ran my fingers over it.

Everything was just as I remembered it. I called up my schedule and it was empty. It had been ever since I left Nirauan. Suddenly I barked out a laugh. It was certainly all the better now that I had not entered my clandestine meetings with Thrawn to spite Arn. That would have made for interesting reading material for whoever had had their hands on the pad.

I went back to the first entries. It seemed to be ages and life times ago that I had had the first medical check up. I remembered the horror of circular training, the mail sorting, the death notes. C'baoth. Luke. Dave. The more I tried not to think of the people the less it worked. Everything I had on this pad was shock-full of memories whether I wanted it or not. The birthday party. Toris and his stories. Dave. Arn. Jes and Sey who were still Jes and Sey and inseparable back then.

Since self-pity would have to be doled out cautiously, so it wouldn't run out too fast or me into the ground too deeply, I decided I would set personal goals and treat myself to an audio for reaching them.

All my music and sound files were still there as well. It took a lot of self-control not to play all of them and sink into endless self-pity. Jes and Sey having the time of their lives. Dear God, how would I be able to bear it? Toris and Arn. Oh my god, Arn. I missed the little critter.

Somebody had had the extremely good sense not to label my image files with names. I changed the nameless faces back into people I knew immediately. I prayed I had gotten my clones down correctly. But then, who would even know?

My personal files containing 'The History And Science Of Earth As I Remembered It' were also intact. I wondered how many copies of that existed by now. It was nice to know Byron got read a little again. I browsed through the last remains of humanity for a while and the bits and pieces meant nothing at all.

In the end I opened one of my favourite audio files, a kal'yenok'tar I could identify now, and fell asleep listening to it.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	26. Chapter 25

I had actually managed not to cut my ceremonial robes into ribbons by the time Ar'alani came to visit. Rukh had been enormously successful in teaching me how to get the dagger out of its hiding place and into use. I began to feel confident about not dying in the process anymore, in case I needed to defend myself unexpectedly.

"You need to aim higher," he corrected me for the umpteenth time. "You are not up against yourself. Chiss are taller than you."

I tired to adjust the height and floundered helplessly through the rest of the form as a result.

"This exercise will never do you any good if you cannot control the height." Hard fingers took hold of my wrists and pushed them up a good five inches. "You don't want to gut them."

"Depending on what they did, I might." It was pure sulk that spoke out of me.

"In which case you need to aim lower and to the left," Rukh continued calmly. "Puncture the liver for effect and the stomach for the pain. A nasty way to die."

"How is there ever going to be a liver there?" I wanted to know.

"Like this."

With a sudden my feet were pulled out under me and my body pivoted to the side. Rukh's fist caught my kidneys, pointing straight towards my stomach. Had he been executing the blow completely, I would have collapsed without as much as even an 'oof'. This way I just folded up neatly. I couldn't even say 'I see' because everything went black before my eyes. For a moment.

"This is not ballroom dancing," the Noghri growled into my ear. "No matter what you think." It might have been the end of a longer speech, I was not certain how long my ears had agreed that sound existed and that it was their job to register it.

I wouldn't have called it ballroom dancing, but that was my sulk speaking again. It didn't say it very loudly, though. On the one hand, because I was still trying to get my breath back. On the other hand, because Rukh was right. The defence training and any fighting exercise I did was pretty much just a beautiful sport to me. I didn't intend to kill anybody with it.

_You didn't intend to kill Disra either_ , a voice chimed in from the back of my mind.

I told it to shut up. Then I got back onto my feet and ready to continue the exercise. I was no natural born killer and turning me into one was hard work, maybe even in vain.

Rukh didn't have it easy with me overall. "Stop tugging at your hem, you look good." There had only two things been worrying me that day, Sarah's temperature and my outfit. Both had stayed the same for all day, but somehow that had made neither any less worrisome.

I should have felt more at home in my robes, but until now I had only worn them for fighting exercises. Nobody cared if your belt was uneven or your hem was over your ears if you fought for your life. Since a dinner did not fall into life-or-death category of events, I didn't have any excuses. Unless I could provoke somebody to duel me with the cutlery. Now that was unlikely.

"Here."

Without thinking I stopped adjusting my clothes and took Sarah. Now my hands were occupied and I could not tug at my robes unless I dropped her. I cast an ineffectual glare at the Noghri. "She's still warm, has she been fretful?" I felt her forehead once again. But her temperature hadn't changed any. And it was within range. I wished I had more specific guidelines, but she was really one of a kind.

It was not easy, raising a baby that had a unique physiology. She might have a temperature or not, because she was generally a little warmer than me which had had me worried before, usually depending on whether or not I had cold hands.

"Nothing out of the ordinary," Rukh assured me.

I was torn between tugging at my clothes, which wasn't possible, and tugging at my daughter, which wasn't right. In the end I decided on fidgeting from one foot to the other while trying to gauge the state of my daughter.

Sarah wasn't helping any. She blinked lazily, looking as if she was about to fall asleep. So I gave in and let myself be pushed out by Rukh.

A room had been partitioned off in the middle of the social wing the so the glass doors could double as windows, letting in the heavy scent of the flowers blooming at the moment. A round table had been set and my place was easily discernible by the high seat beside it. Unsurprisingly, I had been placed at right angles to the door, getting no view, but neither spoiling it.

As expected, I was also the only one in full formal getup. Everybody else was in semi-formal tunics, Thkela even in the short version. Sarah was the least formal, mainly because at her age practicability still held priority over everything else.

Ar'alani looked spectacular; her red pattern seemed to glow on the deep black of her tunic, white highlights indicating her former function in the military. Her hair was wound into a simple knot, but until it reached the knot, it flowed along her head in wave-like, braid-like patterns. I finally understood why they said 'do up the knot or do up the not'. It was a lot easier to untangle in Cheunh, too.

Thkela had gone to the other extreme. Her black hair kept close to her skull, but the knot branched out in many strands that interwove in an elaborate pattern that never let you know where the one ended and the next began. Her dark red robes were splattered with grey that put her slightly below an Aristocra.

Suddenly I felt very much overdressed and under hairdressed. Sarah didn't have that problem. Her hair was coming back but right now it was still wispy and not much more than fluff. My bob was decidedly out of place, not only because my hair was brown, though that didn't help any. I wondered if I should let my hair grow long again. Of course, now was a bit too late as I had just been to the hairdresser to have it cut for today.

"I will introduce you, Mitth'ar'alani," Thorra said with all proper protocol as we approached. "This is Mitth'ara'heiate and her mother."

Now that smarted. It was very socially correct, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. I could have chosen a more private setting and there I might have gotten away with a name for my own. Instead I held Sarah towards Thara and tried to keep both names separated in my head. Now this was possibly awkward.

Thara took the chance to give me a once-over, then declined to hold my daughter. This turned out to be a stroke of luck, because Sarah chose the same moment to turn into a wailing fountain. I almost forgot to excuse myself as I started a quick retreat and mapped out the shortest way from me to the next doctor in my head.

Not that I got very far. My young fountain displayed an unusual amount of energy, throwing up all over me. This was so not good. Unfortunately, I had nobody to cut into ribbons. I felt the need to do something that was not getting myself cleaned up enough to leave the house. I didn't have a choice though.

Fortunately, Sarah's nursemaid was right at my side. Sarah increased her wailing when I left to change, but not even the Red Flash could have been any faster than me in that moment. When I returned she did her best to cry and throw up at the same time. For something that shouldn't be possible, she did a very good job.

"I have called transport," Ere'ntali told me. "The hospital is informed as well." She gave me a packed emergency bag containing everything a healthy Sarah might want and some things sick Sarah might need.

Nodding I grabbed my retching daughter and the bag. It seemed that Sarah had emptied her stomach for now which would at least keep the transport clean. I began to talk at her, mostly useless, reassuring things. As if I could guarantee that anything would be alright. It didn't work very well either. She was either retching or crying, neither doing any good.

The transport was late, meaning it arrived only when I was already outside and had had the time to look up and down the road once. The driver was kind, though, accepting the possible redecoration of her car stoically. As the speeder wound its way through the district I tried to remember anything out of the ordinary, something Sarah had done, eaten or tried to eat that hadn't happened before.

Since I came up dry, I tried to remember if any new flower had started to bloom, or any new plant at all. Or maybe it had been something that had happened while I was not around. That's what you got for not being with your child. I cursed my self, but only inside my head. Outside, I needed my mouth to keep the stream of reassuring words up.

A medic waited for us already, putting the questions to me that I had already asked myself. As soon as we were in an office, he began to examine Sarah who took that as a sign to complain even louder. She even managed to scrounge up something else to throw up.

A nurse appeared with Sarah's file, directing a string of unintelligible medical speak at the doctor. Suddenly he perked up. "Three days ago, you say?"

The nurse confirmed that and gave him some numbers and abbreviations.

"Everything will be alright, Lady."

I took a moment to take a deep breath and read his name tag. "What is wrong with her, Kres'ove'netra?"

"Do you remember the vaccinations she got three days ago?"

I tried my best but was not really calm enough. The nurse was giving Sarah something to drink. "I think so," I said, distracted by my spluttering daughter.

"The immunisation against paralysis is a slow working one. For one out of twenty children it affects the stomach adversely between the second and the fifth day after the oral vaccination." He glanced at Sarah who was still spluttering but not wailing so loudly anymore.

"We are giving her an analgesic. She won't be hungry tomorrow, but make sure she eats something anyway. Is she eating solid foods already?"

"She is trying." I had the feeling that my head was shutting down. The nurse was finished feeding my daughter medication. Sarah had stopped crying. I wanted to grab her and make sure she was alright. I knew the nurse knew what she was doing, but still.

"We will give you a remedy you can rub on things she will chew on. It will keep her stomach at ease. If you wish, you can stay with her for the night."

With that I got Sarah back. She looked up at me dolefully. I apologised and promised to be more careful in the future. That didn't seem to appease her. "I think I'll stay." It wasn't that I was worried so much, but that I wasn't sure how far I would still get. And the prospect to have qualified personnel at shouting distance felt good.

We got a room and it was not bad. It reminded me more of a cheap hostel than a hospital. Sarah fell asleep from exhaustion soon after the pain let up. I watched my little smurf breathing regularly and tried not to think how easily it could happen that she stopped. I should have thought more than twice about having a child of mixed parentage.

I was almost asleep myself, when I remembered that I hadn't gotten around to speaking a single word with Ar'alani. Well bother.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	27. Chapter 26

I woke up acutely aware of the mortality of my daughter. I was also very aware of the precarious position I had put her in biologically and I felt bad for it. What had I been thinking? No precedents, nothing to fall back onto. It had been a very selfish decision. It hadn't seemed like one back then; back then it had looked more like a necessary sacrifice. But now there was a life in the balance because of me.

Now that the pain was gone, she wasn't resentful. She watched her unfamiliar surroundings with big blue eyes, babbling to herself. Her readings were all normal, but she showed no interest at all in eating.

“Make her, if necessary,” the nurse advised. “Even if she doesn't feel like eating, she has to.”

I nodded, ate enough for two and started back for home. I had not been to Central often yet. Usually the medics found a way to stop by on their tours and have a look at Sarah. And I had had no reason to venture out of Mitth District. And where Mitth District was a posh suburb, Central was a snob of a representative city centre.

The buildings piled up towards the centre where accommodation was offered in structures reaching up to half the height of the stalk that contained not only the skyrail but also the central arrival station for Csaplar. The height of the buildings tapered down through the circles, leaving those in the last at a mere four storeys. What was a high house in the District was but an unimportant dwarf here.

The skyrails above were never empty. A lot of effort had been put into blending them into the sky of ice, but once you knew what to look for, the trains were obvious. They just didn't merge with the lighting that made the sky seem equally bright everywhere. At night they snaked across the ceiling like worms of fire. I guess the lack of stars made the Chiss grateful for any kind of nocturnal light.

Since the hospital was close to the Kres District I decided to take the skyrail. I could have walked all through Central and then into our district, each anero was close to the passage to Central. It wouldn't take all of forever, either. And Sarah was happy enough staring at all the new things around, reaching for them and now and then protesting that I walked to fast and she was way not done.

It might have been the vain hope to find Ar'alani still in the anero. Of course I knew that she had left long ago, but something pushed me to haste still. It was a little like walking through time. The buildings grew higher, the structures more impossible and their angles more daring. They swooped up against the sky, drooping balconies overhung with shades that were of no use at all. Except maybe to grant privacy from other balconies and windows grasping at the sky.

The entrance to the skyrail was hidden in a labyrinth of passages lined with shops and restaurants. Chiss strolled about everywhere and despite my blue gave me little note. This was the tourist area, if Csaplar had something like that. You could visit the city and never leave Central at all. If you were not invited to an anero or interested in visiting one of the House Museums, you might as well just stay here.

After a plethora of shops and cafés, service points, restaurants and probably pubs, we reached the elevators to the skyrail. They were arranged around the stalk which was huge down her, almost too big to see that it was round. But the elevators scuttled up and down the curved wall like shining beetles, each carrying a House colour as it went. The must have been hundreds of them. It was amazing to just watch and realise that they never crashed into each other.

When a cabin arrived, I entered and was carried up in a complicated pattern. The edges of the cabin shone blue and I smiled. Sarah grabbed at the shining reflections on the glass while I stared down over the city. It looked huge from up her, huge and alien and beautiful; all towers and spikes close by but gentle corners and rounded edges when you got further away from the centre.

I could see the parks on rooftops and caught a glance of the library and the Senate. This weaving pattern did have the advantage that you got a lot more to see than just the view in one direction. With a sudden the view was replaced by patterns that seemed to glide by like a slow river. I wondered how this effect even worked because I was going rather fast.

I ended up on a platform that looked pretty much how you'd expect a metro station to look like, once you plastered modern art all over it. There were sculptures on the platform, pointy things sticking from the walls at odd angles and everything was covered in paintings like a huge quilt.

“Eieiei,” Sarah squealed at the sight of a bulbous, dark green sculpture that looked like somebody had managed to pump air into a rubber tree.

“Teihei, yes we can go there. Can you say 'there', too?” But she was too distracted by the 'leaves' shaking when she touched them to even try.

I was glad that a train arrived only a little later and my daughter had not managed to destroy any of the art. Chiss were looking at us in inconspicuous ways, because as a Chiss you did not _look_. Since I was obviously not a Chiss, I shamelessly enjoyed the view from the skyrail into Central and later into the Mitth District.

If Sarah hadn't been so sick, I would have taken the time to stop by a park and let her play for a while. But I was worried that the family was worried. In their own way, they were. Aden let Thkela know who was currently having a visitor while messages went out to Thorra and Thikoa.

“Oh, the paralysis shot?” He said. “A cousin of mine had that. A nasty shock when it happens nobody ever expects it.” He nudged her nose.

“Nokko cha, nokko mama, cha.”

I indulged and nudged her nose again. She laughed again, trying to do that herself.

“Her language is not coming along very well,” Thirba observed.

I agreed. And her Cheunh was better than her standard. But what could I do? I could hardly speak in a language nobody understood when there were others around.

“Any signs of walking yet?”

“Not really,” I admitted. “She is crawling around a lot, though.”

“How long did you say human children needed to grow up?” He inspected Sarah almost as if she was a rare specimen, which she actually was.

“Eighteen years,” I replied. It might have been less biologically, but I would not destroy a possible advantage for my daughter. “Some believe it to be 21 even.”

“Half a life wasted.”

That sentence was still haunting me half a day later, while I was building towers for Sarah. I wondered if he was right. It was a lot of time and what were we actually doing with it? Looking back at adolescence, and cringing uncontrollably while doing so, didn't bring any positive results. What I had done was act like an idiot, feel like an idiot, and get called an idiot. Not the best occupation for such shaping years.

“Promise me you will skip adolescence,” I asked Sarah.

She pulled down another tower and began to chew experimentally on the blocks, as if after all this time they might just have different tastes for different colours. Maybe if she tried often enough, it would happen. I began stacking the blocks again. She decided to help me. The slobber made for good glue and the tower didn't cave in immediately.

“You should study architecture,” I told her. “You could build all these houses for real. Preferably on enemy planets so they all get buried in them.” The tower collapsed. Judging from the sounds she made, Sarah would be a happy evil overlord and rejoice at the death of her enemies.

I put her to bed, telling the story of an evil emperor who rejoiced at the death of everybody. But then a young Jedi Knight came along and killed him and everybody lived happily ever after. I didn't dare leave her for a long time after she fell asleep. What if the medication wore off? What if she woke up in pain, throwing up again. What if I could not be there for her all the time?

Of course I could not spend all my time around her. It worked for a day because I could push my duties around like that. But even that would become difficult. And then she'd be in preschool for most of the day. And then in school after that and more likely than not she'd join the military academy when she had finished with school. She was a Mitth after all.

The thought that my daughter would join the military and fight the way soldiers fought and possibly died did not sit well with me. Fictional war was very nice because you had character shields for important people. Real life had no shields. And Sarah would have less than anybody around her. I suddenly hoped she never grew up at all, at least not enough to attend a military academy.

I wondered what my Admiralship would say about this attitude. I cursed the fact that he was not here to argue about it with me. It would have been a long, tiring, trying argument. He had been a soldier himself after all. Everybody around me had been a soldier. Not a single Chiss in the Ascendancy had skipped service. I was the only civilian around. How would I ever be able to explain my views and worries?

I crawled under my blanket, heaping the duvets and guest blankets over myself. It was a flimsy protection against reality, but for now it was suffocating in a warm and reassuring way. It did not beat being warm and reassured by a soldier, though, especially not my personal soldier, even if he was a Grand Admiral by now.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	28. Chapter 27

Sarah did not die in the coming days or even weeks. It put my mind at ease, but the nagging never seemed to go away for long. I was a bad mother by default. I should have given her a less volatile gene cocktail.

After the failed meeting with Ar'alani, I decided to reorganise my social encounters. Going to the museum again had not had much effect. I had listened to the commentary intently, trying to learn something about the Chiss and their contemporary art. It made about as much sense to me as contemporary art always had. Then I had decided to look at the rest some time later because Sarah had decided to start to make strange.

I was still taking her along to the parks, but approaching Chiss heading for a light conversation were in for a loud surprise. It was embarrassing and not entirely necessary. At least she had started to show interest in walking and eating food. The incident with the immunisation had put her off milk somewhat. I saw no reason to contradict her. She did that just fine for herself, anyway. There were many conversations over dinner like this.

“Do you want sweetbread?”

“No.”

“Do you want a fruit?”

“No.”

“Do you want to eat anything at all?”

“No.”

“Okay, you wil

“No.”

“This was not a question, my dear. That was an order.” I would hand her the feeder and she'd drink happily.

“Fruit.” She would reach out.

“You said you didn't want fruit.” I gave it to her anyway.

“No.”

“I am sure I heard you.”

“No.”

“You will make a good politician.”

“No.”

At least that was a relief. Not the prospect of soldiering had become more appealing to me. But here everybody did it, so there was a good chance that everybody knew what they were doing. And in case Sarah decided that politicking was more to her taste she could always become a Chaf, or at least marry one.

That was another spore point. Formbi. There had been no chance at all to even attend the same events as he did. He was also away a lot, visiting the colonies, negotiating, chewing people's ears off as he should. He had become a renowned politician and his words had weight. It was quite beyond me how I would establish contact in a socially acceptable way.

Not that the socially acceptable way had helped me any so far. I was getting impatient and grumpy about the Chiss around me. Yes, I got along surprisingly well with Thkela, and Thorra was kind in her polite, distanced way. Even Thirba was acting like a human being, mostly because Sarah had him wrapped in warm fuzzies by just looking at him.

If all I wanted to do was raise my daughter to be a good Chiss, everything would have been perfect. In a few weeks she'd be off to preschool and my work as a bad, alien influence would be over. She'd have a Chiss life the way Chiss lived and she'd go to the academy and through service and then into some job or other. Nothing could go wrong really.

Only that it already had and I was here to put it right. And I could not do so from the safe cocoon of a core family. Not to mention that I'd be a dead weight on Sarah for the rest of her life. Okay, the rest of my life. That didn't make it any better. I looked at my smurf crawling around on the ground. It didn't seem to occur to her that she was trapped in a tight net of obligations and expectations already.

I would not let that happen, though, I decided. I would make sure she had options. She was a princess from a certain point of view. And it would be a shame if the only man she got to twist around her little finger would be Thirba and not her father. It wasn't right. When I put her down for a nap, I told myself damn all and went ahead and called Ar'alani. Naturally she didn't reply to my comm, but I left her a polite message, letting her know I was open for conversations any time she pleased.

So much for social conventions. The only thing that prevented me from doing the same thing with Formbi was that Thorra would have my head on a platter and I still needed that for raising my child.

Only a few days later I got a message from Ar'alani with an impossible time for a call. I accepted graciously. Middle of the night or no, what else did I have to do? The conversations in the parks made sure I knew a lot of people's names and faces, but as intended, they stayed without consequence. You satisfied your curiosity and moved on.

The only remotely interesting thing going on was the possible invitation to a private exhibition of Thubal's paintings. He was not committing himself to anything, but in case I ever managed to become something, he could say he'd been nice to me from the start. Maybe I could get him to help me somehow if I showed more promise of becoming somebody.

Everybody was about to go to sleep when Ar'alani called. It made me realise that it was a pretty normal time if you kept a social schedule and returned home late. Consequently, she was still in her semi-formal robes and looked as amazing as I remembered her.

“I wondered how long it would take you to call,” she said as a greeting.

“I am trying to conform to the social norms of this society.” I did my best not to cringe because I wore my everyday tunic. It was plain and also showed the comatose state of my social life well.

“You are not doing a very good job of it.” There was a hint of sarcasm in her stance.

“You have, of course, expected this,” replied. “Or is it a common past time watching strangers and betting on how long it takes them to trespass?”

“How can it be with so few strangers about? Though it means that those present are watched all the more intently.”

“I hope everybody is enjoying the show.” I tilted my head backwards a little. Since I was actually in the lower position, that was a challenge. But not a big one as it was only a very small tilt.

“There is not much to see.” There was disappointment in her lor'kina. I hadn't know people expected me to be entertaining.

“I am doing my best to amend that,” I said, “but I have not found the correct lever to start with yet.”

“I hear you like visiting museums. The exhibition about the reception of the Diaspora would be of interest for you. It shows the development of our culture quite well. And also the reasons behind it.”

There was a suggestion in this, but I was not quite sure what it was. “I intend to go. I feel that a better understanding of the Chiss can only be of assistance to me.”

“Some would say that we are all very alike and it is enough to know one to know us all.”

“Even if the one has proven to be drastically different from the rest?” I expressed my doubt. “Would knowing him help me understand the others?”

Her eyes flashed at my distinction between knowing and understanding. “You may find that he is not so different after all.”

“I am not sure I'd like that.” Yep, my mouth was still mine and not waiting for the all-clear of the brain.

Fortunately, Ar'alani was amused instead of offended. “There will be a performance of music of the times covered in the exhibition. Have you heard any of the classics yet?”

“Not live,” I avoided the question. Thrawn had given me quite a collection, but I had thoughtlessly sorted it to my likes and disliked, messing up the chronological order nicely. “But I would be delighted to hear some.”

“Make sure you are acquainted with the exhibition in advance,” she suggested. “You won't have much time concentrating on it there.”

“I will.” I lowered my head, turning my palms towards her.

“Until the next time, then.

“Heret'oahanat'atast'anereIitoan'ok'ethe,” I managed to get in the formal goodbye before she cut the connection, her eyes sparkling again.

She was hardly off when I was already browsing through my schedule to find a time to visit the Arts tower, fully named Usik toat'on'ek. While I was at it, I also found out when the mentioned music would be played and if I needed a ticket or an invitation. With that done I splattered some more colour over a canvas until I felt calmed down enough to go to bed.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	29. Chapter 28

Going to the Usik toat'on'ek had been an education all in itself. I had trusted Sarah to Rukh, she would have nobody else near her. She was really overdoing this. I suspected that Thirba was even having a mood because of it. And I really, really hoped she'd let off a bit again soon. Her first day at preschool was only a few days away. I had expected Ere'ntali to leave at that day, but she would not.

“Your duties will soon be keeping you up and out many nights,” she offered optimistically. “Somebody has to be there for her.”

It was sound reasoning. Though I was not happy with the idea of not even being there for my daughter when she was there, there was nothing much I could do. The only hope I had was that the transition would be gradual and Sarah would get used to me not being there each night by and by. Looking at my social schedule, that was more than likely. Still, I would not complain about having a gift nursemaid.

Since I enjoyed gliding over the city and the Arts Tower was close to the centre of Central, I indulged myself. For once I didn't look down though the transparent walls but up at the ice going by. The train was going to fast for me to see anything though and when it slowed down, the durasteel of the station closed above us already. Well, I'd get a good look at that ice enveloping everything one day.

Since it was close to the centre, the tower was indeed that: a tower. It had ninety-nine storeys, ten for each family and nine for special exhibitions. Over time the strict distinction into family levels had dissolved, but the special exhibitions still covered the nine highest levels. And each level had about the size of a soccer stadium. Since there were about five thousand years of history to cover that was not as much as it sounded.

I got lost on the lowest level several times over despite having a plan, a set route and a guide. It was a rather apt description of Chiss history. As expected the Diaspora was considered the best idea since sliced bread at its inception. It was the only way more people would survive than die when the glaciers covered the planet and everybody was enthusiastic about the prospect of staying alive.

Once each family had scored a first planet, turning them into their home planets, rivalries erupted again, just as they had before. Accusations were flung in all directions, especially by families whose planets turned out to be habitable, but not agreeable. They kept exploring, adding colonies to their Houses which pissed of those families that had thought to rest easily on their new-found homes.

Power struggles were the result and nothing had changed to this day. It was brilliantly simple considered under that aspect. Of course any Chiss would vehemently deny things were still the same. Genocide was frowned upon. You did not kill your opponents anymore, and anyway it was all just in friendly recompense. Nobody mentioned the collateral damage or could satisfactory explain why the habit of shadow children was still around.

In the end I bought the guide and commentary because I would never remember a fraction of the information. But despite their aloof behaviour, the Chiss had had a lively past. Lively enough to warrant the directive of no first aggression. Otherwise there would be nobody left to argue about it now. The thousand pages of information were neatly packed into a datachip, which neatly fitted into a pocket. Unfortunately, the chip did not fit into my pad anyhow and I would need to get another.

“I'm afraid all this art is a bit over my head,” I told Rukh during exercising.

“Your husband will be delighted to hear that,” he replied deadpan.

“I bet. At least studying this will give me something to do while I watch my social life rotting away in solitude.”

“I thought you had an invitation to a private exhibition?”

I browsed through my schedule. “Only next week,” I sighed. “Though I am likely to meet interesting people. Finally. I hope.”

“You should brush up on your history and theory of art for that.”

I sent him a glare. “It is not my fault that due to the Houses having colours abstract art is easily interpreted along those lines? I see no reason to use more red than I want to just because it happens to be my House colour.”

“I am certain the one you named 'Personal' and put up in your private parlour will make for a lot of conversation.”

“Well,” I hedged, “it's not quite Nuruodo red, though. And anyway, you want me to put it up in shared parlour for everybody to see? I can't do that. I didn't call it 'personal' for no reason.”

Rukh kept staring at me with unblinking black eyes.

“You were pulling my leg.” I should not have been so surprised about this.

“In a way. That doesn't mean it is not true.” He shook out his shoulders, a signal that we were about to engage in the actual fighting.

“I am not sure whether I want to hug you or throttle you.” I poised myself in a general defence posture.

“Try either.”

“The Chiss have a very clear stance on attacking first,” I objected, considering the best way to go about it anyway.

“You are not Chiss,” the Noghri replied in a hard tone. “They will not forget it, and neither should you.”

As if that would be easy. Not that I didn't have a great capacity of ignoring things I didn't like. And with some stretching of that, I would have made it, but what would have been the use of that? Apart from feeling mightily better about myself, that is? The only way I could remotely hope to achieve anything I would like to was to distinguish myself. And for that, it had to be clear who I was, where I came from and what I had done to deserve my place. Raising a child to be half Chiss was definitely not going to cut it.

I stared at my image in the mirror. Blue, blue, blue and no pattern to speak of. Now that I had to wear this in public, I was not quite sure about that choice any longer. It could have been something unobtrusive, shadow stitching to break the planes of blue. But no, I had to be my usual stubborn self. And everybody could see it at first glance.

The Lemrok arm of the Mitth House lived in Section four but still almost opposite the anero in the District. Deciding I wanted to be seen going somewhere, I took the way straight through the centre. Many Chiss were afoot, going to their own receptions, performances or other events. The bustle had an air of quiet determination, purposeful and confident.

I tried to siphon some of that confidence. At least outwardly it worked. I strode down the road as confident as any of them. The looks were alright, too. You had to look, take in the pattern and find out what kind of acknowledgement, if any, was proper. It was as formal a dance as in the ballrooms. I was glad I would be able to avoid those for a while yet.

The house of the Lemrok family resembled the anero only vaguely. It was situated in the thirteenth circle, had three storeys and no wings at all. The stone was of a darker colour than the anero, but clearly imitating it. From what little I knew about Chiss architecture, the building was not really old but from a time where pretending it was had been cool. That time was by now also old, so it was okay to keep.

I was not the only one approaching the main entrance. Scanning the patterns, I saw mostly Mitth. Polite greetings were exchanged while I allowed everybody to enter before me. Oh no, there was not much a chance of me forgetting my place. When I managed to get in, Thubal greeted me in person, being cautious and declaring me an ally rather than a friend.

The house turned out to resemble the Mitth museum. It enclosed a courtyard and I guessed that it could be canopied in case of need. What need that should be, I knew not. The exhibition was on the ground floor. I could not be sure if the floors above even held social rooms or were living quarters as well. After living in the anero for so many months, the dimensions of the house seemed tiny. Still it was a great deal bigger than anything I had ever lived in.

Thubal favoured a semi-abstract style. His motives were recognisable, but their shapes, angles and colours were twisted and jumbled. It was a little as if Picasso had copied a Dali while on LSD. I liked the landscapes best, even if their names told me nothing. It might have been somewhere on Copero or anywhere in the 28 colonies.

“Have you been on many planets, Lanna?” Thubal asked when he found me scrutinising a blindingly green landscape under an orange sky. The towering trees and included lens flares made me think of Gallifrey.

“I am sorry that I have not, Mitth'uba'lemrok,” I apologised. I was about to say that you could count the planets I had seen on one hand, when I realised it probably wasn't true. I might not have seen much of them, but I had been there. “I hope to see some more, one day. This looks lovely.”

“The Reaching Plains on Sposia,” he explained. “The skies turn orange before great storms break loose and it makes you wonder how the trees stay upright and unbroken under such powers.” He looked wistfully at the painting.

“You liked it there,” I half asked him.

“I liked who I was visiting,” he replied. “Strong and wild as the storms roaring over the plains. She had difficulties settling on Csilla at first. But the storms are more beautiful when you do not fear they might tear down your house after all or destroy a harvest or cause another disaster.”

That explained the tiny splatter of green in his patterns. He had married a Sabosen. I wondered what it was like to grow up in such a wild place and then find yourself in the completely domesticated world of Csaplar. “The acclimatisation might be easier this way around, Mitth'uba'lemrok.”

“Would you really say that, Lanna?” He put it to me as an honest question so I took the time to consider before answering.

“I find myself looking for my jacket now and then or an umbrella because it might rain; the sky is always grey like clouds here,” I offered an apologetic gesture. “But it is easier not to get drenched or not to freeze because the climate is always the same than to have the weather beat you for old habits.”

“That makes it less dangerous,” Thubal agreed, “not necessarily easier.”

“It is all I can say. The place I grew up did have its rains and occasional storms but nothing spectacular. I have nothing much to miss.” I thought for a moment. “And I have only my experiences to draw from. I have nothing to compare.”

“The smaller the difference, the greater the irritation.” He led me to the next painting. “At least that is what they say.”

The young Chiss standing in front of a landscape that seemed to depict a desert turned towards us. “Are you spewing platitudes again. Thuba'lemrok?” He took me in with a glance before turning back to our host. “Do you plan to chase away the newcomer with old truths?”

The use of only half his name indicated that the two were good friends, so the bickering was probably normal. “I am not that easy to chase away, Lord,” I told him politely.

“I have heard you were committed,” he agreed. Then he gestured a request at Thubal.

“Mitth'rel'lapis, let me introduce to you Mel'lanna'morrison who raises a child in House Mitth,” Thubal complied. “Lanna, this is Mitth'rel'lapis, Second in Command of Picket Force Five, here on shore leave.”

It sounded like a bad attempt of a hook-up. Still we greeted each other politely. Thubal disappeared into thin air as if his job was done now that I was introduced to somebody.

“Do you plan on acquiring the Mitth name, Lanna?” Threll wanted to know as we watched our host's retreating back.

“In the long run,” I replied cautiously. I was not sure if that was even a subject for polite conversation. “It will be nice to be a person of my own right instead of the appendage of another. Even if that other is your lifeblood.”

“They are strange things, names, are they not?” He turned to face me. “They have such power over us, define us and yet are so easily changed. What does that make us?”

“A rose.” Seeing his face, I realised that this meant nothing to him. “It's a fragrant flower where I come from. And the quote goes,” I hesitated for a second but who would even know how baldy I mangled poor Shakespeare? Nobody ever. I sent a short apology to the playwright before going on. “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

“The essence remains,” Threll translated. “But does it?”

“If you want to discuss this matter in detail, I will happily do so, Mitth'rel'lapis,” I said. “I am not sure if it would be polite to our host if we did so here and now.”

Threll looked around, searching for Thubal who was nowhere to be found. “I am not sure he will note if we slip away now, provided we return when he holds his speech.”

“How much of a social suicide would it be to slip away from the crowd with a good-looking stranger?” I tilted my head back a little.

“Point the first, considering my status in comparison with yours, I have a lot more to lose. So I thank you for your warning,” he replied. “Point the second, you are not good-looking, Lanna.”

“Points taken, Mitth'rel'lapis.” I gestured at the other paintings. “Surely looking at them deep in discussion will be only right this evening, don't you agree.”

“If we take care nobody hears what the topic actually is.” Amusement sparkled in his eyes.

“I may be a disgusting alien, but I can change the topic in the middle of the sentence,” I assured him.

“I am looking forward to seeing this.” We wandered on to the next painting.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	30. Chapter 29

Threll called.  
It had been a great evening discussing the effects of names on things and people; how changing names did or did not change a thing or person. We almost missed Thubal's speech, which was both short and entertaining. He promised another exhibition as soon as his work allowed. We all promised to return.

“We will have to conclude our discussion some other time,” Threll said as we parted. “That is of advantage because I do not have to start a new discussion now.”

“Once we finish, we could probably talk about goals justifying the means, Mitth'rel'lapis,” I suggested.

“I can see you want me to go out of that one deeply wounded,” his sarcasm was obvious.

“Since you obviously know more about the outcome of that,” I replied, "I will go for humbled, possibly contrite, but not wounded. There is enough pain in the universe without me contributing to it.”

“We will see.” He offered his hands for a formal parting.

“Maybe. It is to early to think about the end yet,” I said as our hands went through the motions.

“That, it never is.” He left me pondering that the whole way back to the anero.

I hadn't expected him to call the very next day. I was not sure what I had expected, but this was not it. A message maybe, a request to comm some time, the usual stuff. But no, he called.

“What an unexpected pleasure, Mitth'rel'lapis.” I balanced Sarah on my hip, trying to look pleased and glare at the same time.

“Then you are less observant than I expected.”

Well, tell me about it. He would certainly not be the first. “I may be many things you did not expect,” I said instead.

“Indeed, but so might I.”

He was so self-assured. I allowed myself the slip of a tiny smile before replying. “Do you think we should talk about that?” I had not been idle despite my best efforts to catch a break and had dug up his personal history. He had not always been a Mitth and the double red in his pattern had been showing off his roots. I had an inkling where this was going and I liked it.

“I do, and I am not alone with this.” He confirmed my suspicion. Blood might not be as important here as it was in other cultures, but it connected people nevertheless.

“Excellent, I would really like to speak to her and being inconspicuous looked like a precaution we should take for now.” I dislodged Sarah's fist from my hair. “I assume it will be this comm?”

Threll did not reply for a moment. Then he allowed himself a tiny smile as well. “You assume correctly. It is a mobile unit, so it naturally reroutes a lot. A wrong turn now and then won't be noticed.”

“I thank you, Mitth'rel'lapis.” I tried to show the formal gratefulness which was difficult with Sarah on my hip and adamant to practice skydiving if she wasn't allowed to mess up my hair.

“You will get to see a lot more of me,” he said. “We need to keep this connection credible.”

“I am looking forward to that.” I lowered my head, still looking at him. “I did enjoy our discussion a lot.”

“As did I, Lanna, as did I.” He sounded pleased. “And it is the privilege of the young and brash to show great interest in everything that is new and foreign.”

“I will do my best to be very foreign.”

“I will let my blood-mother know. She would have called, but it would not have been a wise move.” He hesitated for a moment. “Many eyes are upon her.”

There were as many watching me as well, most likely. I wondered why and what for. But then Okara was as high on the social ladder as I was low. I would do well to put some effort into closing that gap. “I can wait,” I told him. “After twenty years, what are a few more?”

He acknowledged that. “We will talk again, Lanna.”

Then he was gone and I was in turmoil. Naturally, Sarah felt that and was uneasy herself as a result. I took her into the garden and sat down on the small bench under the tree. Sarah crawled about, scattering the few toys I had brought along. The hanging branches of the tree proved to be much more entertaining than any toy. Also, they were more edible.

The fact that Okara was so cautious about talking to me worried me. I had been aware of a struggle going on between those who wanted to keep old ways and those who wanted to tread new ones. Struggles like this were common everywhere at every time. Why would it endanger her position to be seen talking to me. Just talking? Was it because she wore the White now?

Ar'alani had returned to the House and was not actively leading the in military any longer. Instead she was leading the military itself. How was it less dangerous for her to talk to me? Did she not have the greater influence on things? My head started to throb and I had only just scratched the surface.

This much I knew: I was expected to campaign for the new way. I was suspected to campaign for Thrawn's return. And I was watched Argus-eyed.

This I did not know: why.

What was the worst that could happen if I had my will? Thrawn would be back. The directive on pre-emptive strikes would be amended. It was born out of the desire to protect the Chiss from themselves. There was an argument somewhere in that.

I could think of nothing else. From my point of view this was not so very horrible. Maybe it was from the point of view of convinced traditionalists. And what if they were the majority? They should not have much trouble thwarting my plans at every corner. Provided I ever came up with any plans.

And while I was on that subject, how would my plans ever look like more than a child's idea? I watched Sarah braiding the hanging branches with great patience as they untangled themselves as soon as she let go. I was utterly out-thought here. Even if Thrawn had taught me what would go into my silly little brain, this was a whole planet of Chiss we were talking about. Bright lads, all of them. How would I even start to compete?

Not alone. It was the first and only answer. I needed allies and friends. I needed to be a part of this society not only by proximity. I had no idea how to go about this. I would have to network somehow. Meet people and create contacts, keep up conversations and build relationships. I needed to find those who thought like me. Stent had mentioned members of the Mitth Household Phalanx returning from Nirauan and forming a kind of resistance. I needed to get in contact with them without anybody noticing. I would need a middleman. I- oh.

So this was the reason. I leant back and closed my eyes for a moment letting the realisation sink in.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	31. Chapter 30

It was a special day and not as bad as expected when I brought Sarah to preschool for the first time. Getting up in time was no problem because somehow having children converted you to getting up early. You might look (and feel) like shit but you were awake and functioning. More or less in my case, but enough anyway.

Sarah babbled away as we went to the preschool. I rememebred the way from the first time I had gone there and was more nervous than my daughter. I was certainly doing something wrong.

“Tharah,” the teacher pronounced the name of my daughter correctly and looked intently at my little smurf.

“You be good,” I told her as I handed her over. There was a sound of protest, but nothing as bad as it could have been. I was more than grateful that she was not making strange anymore, or at least not with me around.

“She's your friend,” I assured Sarah. “You'll be fine.”

“Fine, mama,” she replied and didn't look perturbed.

“If you have any trouble just let me know, Yal'ees'amre.” I looked at my child in a stranger's arms and suddenly felt rather lost.

“We will be fine, won't we?” She looked at Sarah who took this a licence to explore the new face with her podgy hands.

“Looks like it, Yal'ees'ambre,” I agreed.

And that was that. I was free to go where I wanted and do what I wanted until I felt like collecting her. That should preferably be in the afternoon, a good eight hours from now. I could hardly complain when back at home the lack of proper child daycare was a great problem I had always wanted taken care off. Admittedly, my solution had looked slightly different than removing myself to a whole new universe.

I went into the centre and found the copy shop again. It was indeed a service to duplicate images, text, and other things like that. I handed them the painting of Sarah and left with a copy or maybe two only a little later.

I had no idea how the message system to Thrawn would work. I did not know how long it would take a message and which course it would take. I suspected that bigger events in the anero were a requisite because a lot of people would be milling around. For a moment I griped about the fact that I had not received another message. But then I had not even replied yet. Story of my life.

I sat at my desk for a long time staring at Sarah's picture. She seemed to have grown immensely. Babies were said to grow fast, but I hadn't been sure how true that was. And considering that Sarah was likely on a fast lane compared with normal humans, I didn't know what to make of it.

But I was just distracting myself again. I would likely never get rid of that procrastination habit. Rummaging through the drawers brought envelopes to light and even something that looked like sealing wax. Well, this was the wonderful age of sci-fi, if you wanted to go all obsolete, you might as well do it pretty.

I picked up a stylus and hastily wrote on the back of the picture: _This is your daughter. I am scared. I miss you._ Then I enclosed it in an envelope faster than I could set fire to it, glued it shut and wrote his name in standard letters on it.

There, I had done it. I slipped the letter into the drawer I had found my note in and shut it quickly. Then I stared at the closed drawer for a while before I could make myself leave it be. I wondered if I should leave the drawer open a little to indicate there was something in it. But what if whoever cleaned in here opened it. Or even just closed it? I'd just have to remember to check regularly.

With nothing better to do, I decided to return to the Usik toat'on'ek and have another look at the special exhibition. The musical tour would be within a few days and I didn't feel quite prepared. Considering the amount of information available, I doubted I would ever feel prepared but that was no excuse to not even try.

I dropped Threll a note where he might find me in case he called. The young Chiss had become an almost daily improvement of my life. He was considered fully adult and his position showed that he had not been idle in his short time in the military, but how was I to think about a guy in his early twenties as a fully grown man? I had spent too much time among men that had not grown up though being in their thirties. Not to mention everything felt a lot safer once I classified him as a youth and jailbait.

“I am deeply offended,” he let me know. “After three years at the academy and five years in active service, I can hardly be called a youngster anymore. Also my position forbids it.”

“You are on shore leave,” I reminded him.

“That does not invalidate my rank.” He raised a hand. “Just because you do not see the sky from down here that doesn't mean it isn't there.”

“In a way it does,” I objected. “Just because the sky is real whether I see it or no, doesn't mean its visible absence doesn't make me forget about it. It does. The reality of the sky is completely unrelated to me and its existence of no consequence.”

“Do you really want to argue about the existence of objective reality and its influence on subjective perception?”

“I guess I do. Though I must warn you. I might get the urge to bite your leg in case you argue to passionately for the objective perception of reality.”

“In which case I shall hope you will find me tasteful.” He raised a brow in a way that gave me the feeling he accepted the challenge.

When we parted I had still not bitten him in the leg. He kept insisting the discussion was not over so that might yet happen. I considered sending him a voucher for free vaccinations for his name day. Now that was another thing here. You didn't celebrate birthdays, you celebrated the day you got your name.

Unlike Sarah, Chiss children got a small ceremony when they received their attributes and this day was then celebrated. Celebration might be too big a word, though. Celebrating meant a get-together of the family and close friends, mainly reviewing the progress so far and discussing the future ahead. Presents were not obligatory and could go both ways.

Naturally, you needed a name for that and I had none. No day I could call my own. The only way to mark the passage of time would be Sarah. And that when I had only a hazy idea about how much time had passed since I had crashed this universe. Was I thirty-three now? Or thirty-four already? Or even older? Younger? I did not dwell on it. I decided to go for thirty-three because it was a nice number and take things from there.

In the meantime I had museums to visit and then a daughter to collect and my social contacts to cultivate. Thubal had politely asked when I would have an exhibition of my work. But he had understood that as yet my expression was likely to be too alien for showing. The art I created now would be better placed in combination with the development I had gone through.

He had called it a very good excuse but one that would only hold so long. I had counted my paintings on one hand and frantically wondered if 'I, Alien' was really an exhibition the Chiss would want to see.

In the end I guessed, they would possibly hope to once I had managed to become somebody. Peek at the pathetic beginnings of a person who was by then worth considering. So I better be prepared. It was not as if I didn't have room to stack the ugly things. There was a whole private parlour empty. Oh well, I would change that.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	32. Chapter 31

Threll removed himself back to duty leaving me a comm number that might sometimes glitch, but life was imperfect. As far as I could see, I had no influence at all on the glitching of the device, so I stopped trying. Not that calling Threll wasn't fun.

“I am not part of the Household Phalanx,” he explained. “You mainly patrol space around your home planet and the adjacent colonies. I considered that too boring. Have you any idea how challenging it is with Copero squeezed in between Csaus and Sarvchi?”

“I imagine you have more run-ins with House Chaf or Inrokini than actual threats,” I replied.

“That may be, though,” he broke off in the middle of the sentence. “They do not easily let us wild ones into the Phalanx of House Mitth anyway. There is talk about irregularities.”

“I assume there is a high rate of warriors going MIA or AWOL?”

“Not really.” His lor'kina turned defensive. “Most of us do want to return. No matter what we might have heard or seen.”

But some stayed. And made up the core of the Empire of the Hand. Leaving behind everything. “You serve your people the way you feel is best.”

“That we do.” Threll raised his hands a little. “All of us. In the way we see most fit for us and in the place we believe we can achieve the most.”

“I admire you. All of you,” I added when I saw him drawing wrong conclusions. “Your commitment is stunning, you don't let pride or personal feeling get in the way of what needs to be done. I envy you that ability.”

The Chiss shrug looked incredible on him as his long fingers danced through the motion. So this was what I had to hold my own against. Incredibly good-looking, loyal and capable people. I had failed already.

I proved my ability to learn by asking about the musical performances in the Arts Tower at dinner and find out that Thorra and Thikoa would go as well. It might have been a real ladies' night apart from the fact that Thikoa would meet some friends for dinner before and Thorra would come directly from work. Which left me to make my way there on my own anyway.

Not that I had expected, or been keen to be, invited to accompany Thikoa. I was socially awkward even when I was not a pariah and alien. There was no reason to embarrass either of us more than absolutely necessary. Naturally, that didn't make not being asked and not getting to go any more agreeable. It was like being back in adolescence.

I cursed my Admiralship, found that the letter was still where I had put it and threw some more paint at a canvas. In the Empire I had had feelings of inferiority thrown at me from all sides as well. But at least I had had a Grand Admiral with his own ways of make them go away. I missed him. I wanted to throttle him. I wished I could because that would mean I had solved problem number one.

I punched the canvas. It did not fight back. What good was it then? I ripped it off the frame and easel, scrunched it up, getting paint oozing over my hands, out between my fingers and over my tunic. The fucking good was any of this doing? None of it would bring back Thrawn. None.

I sagged onto the floor, wringing the canvas between my fingers, not caring about the mess I made. I had done nothing in the last month, had gone nowhere, achieved nothing, met nobody. My hand stopped mere millimetres from my forehead, sinking back into my lap again. This was the slowest, worst planned, failure-headed infiltration mission ever.

“You were supposed to get ready,” Rukh admonished me. “Your daughter, at least, is.”

I looked up to saw my daughter ready for bed. The plan had indeed been to save some time and be ready to leave after putting her to bed. I forced a smile. “I had a fit of reality.”

“No, you did not. Now clean up and put your child to bed.”

Since I could not take Sarah the colour-smeared way I was, I just nodded and went to the bathroom. I really needed to time my tantrums better. I was not alone any longer. Looking at the woman in the mirror, I shrugged. She didn't have the answers either.

Sarah noticed my agitation and was not easy to convince to sleep. I had to read her favourite story twice and make up a few new stanzas for her lullaby. Then I returned to the bathroom and made sure I was actually presentable, not just paint-free.

_Pain-free_ , something whispered inside of me, _that would be a nice change._

I told it to shut up because, really, things were not that bad. I had a nice home and a great daughter and people were generally nice to me in a polite, distanced way that was socially prescribed so what did I want? And I really needed to cut me some slack because being a mother was a hard job in the first months. Or so I heard. If you had no nursemaid.

Seeing I would get nowhere with that line of thought I tried to focus on the event ahead. Live music, I loved live music. And I would get a musical overview of Chiss history, that would be nice. And I would stand around and look at the potted plant because Threll was frolicking about somewhere around Celwis. Maybe I should tell the Chiss about Ilum, they'd feel right at home there.

The streets were lit brightly when I left home. It was too late for the usual rush of socially active Chiss and I could watch my shadow overtaking me as I walked from one street light to the next. The light of the lamps almost made you forget that there were no stars overhead, no moon, no clouds, nothing but cold ice and steel.

The Usik toat'on'ek was lit even more brightly, shining even against the backdrop of the stalk with its multitude of shops and hotels. The closer I got, the more people joined my direction. Most of them were Nuruodo or Chaf since the other houses would likely approach from another direction. Covered glances spread out as everybody tried to gauge who else was coming.

The elevators were packed. Polite conversation on who was going to make space for who dominated and I would probably never get anywhere, considering my status demanded I make space for everybody. I watched the flow of people eddying around, trying to gauge when it would be an opportune moment to ignore social strata and just get into an elevator myself.

I was spared public embarrassment by Thkela. When she saw me watching from a distance, she made her way towards me and all but towed me into the next elevator, questioning me on things she surely knew already all the while. I got the heavy-handed hint and answered everything politely and in detail.

She left the elevator in the middle of the storey containing the exhibition about the diaspora. “You need to find a companion to solve these problems for you in the future,” she said softly. “This will not do.”

I agreed and wondered who I could rope in for this, but apart from Threll who was gone, and Thubal, who had better things to do, I came up blank. “I will, Mitth'kel'arash.” Aware of the many listening ears I used her full name. This was after all a public and probably formal setting.

“Better hurry up,” she suggested and was gone.

I found a quite corner from where I could watch the entrance area of the floor. Trying to find the few people I knew would be a waste of time. Also, I could easily be found by my glaringly blue outfit, so there was that. I decided to call up the plan for the performances and map the evening out in my head. If possible I wanted to hear something from each era. I made my way down to the early days of the Diaspora.

Musical instruments had been set up at various places on the floor; there was space enough. Little timetables let me know when the musicians would appear, chairs had been set up for performances which would take longer. I settled down in a fast filling area and prepared to be amazed.

I was not disappointed. Though rather alien in the pitch, the music was not bad. I could not be sure if there was an overarching theme or not, but the harmonies were striking. In the end, there was no applause. Everybody got up in silence, private words were exchanged with the musicians. I felt lost again. How would I express my appreciation to any musician when I could hardly remember the name of the instrument they played, far less use any music related vocabulary.

Taking the easy way out, I dropped appreciation over my lor'kina and slowly went away. Watching others from the corners of my eyes, I realised, I was not alone with this. Good. Winding through the exhibits I looked for some stairs. Instead I almost ran face-first onto a semi-transparent sculpture.

It was wholly my fault though. The pattern I had been watching might or might not have been the same that had clad the man playing the kal'yenok'tar on the great reception several weeks ago. Trying to remember what that back had looked like and if this back resembled it any or if it was simply the fact that he was a military Kres, I almost got my nose flattened by Chiss art.

I apologised to the sculpture, which was likely not helping any, and hastily went for the stairs. Social life was really not made for me. I meandered through the storeys and listened to some music here and there. When my feet began to tire, I found an out-of-the way corner and sat down in the back row. The pieces was played mainly by string instruments, a pipe or two mingling with them in mournful tunes. I wondered if it would be okay to close my eyes and just listen for a while.

“You look tired, Lanna.” Unnoticed, Ar'alani had slipped into a chair beside me.

“I am tired, Mitth'ar'alani,” I replied. “Amazing as it is, paying so much attention is exhausting.”

“You might take this too seriously.” She glanced around. “I don't think half of them are paying much attention to the actual music.”

“Maybe they should, Mitth'ar'alani, it is very good.” I leant back slightly. “And I cannot afford to miss anything.”

“In which case your eye for detail needs major improvements, Lanna. I heard you had an intimate encounter with a plastic by Tiar'rel'voren.”

I managed not too blush too much. “I was in deep in thought, Mitth'ar'alani. On other details that I was afraid had slipped my mind.”

“Had hey?”

“Indeed, they did.”

“That only proves my point. And you will need to be careful of the details.” She glanced around again. “Do you like music?”

The question was strange. “Yes, Mitth'ar'alani,” I replied.

“And do you understand it?”

“No, Mitth'ar'alani. My love of it comes from its beauty alone.”

“But would you not be able to enjoy it more if you understood it?”

Actually, I might. It was quite possible that listening to music was in a way like reading a story, more fun if you got the in-jokes. If you could see what the author did and how he pulled his tricks off and the rug out under your feet, you could admire him more, maybe like him more. I was not sure if you liked the actual art better.

“I will need to think about that,” I finally said. “It is a complex matter.”

Amusement flashed in her eyes. “You do indeed take everything very serious, Lanna.”

I had no answer to that. Once upon a time I might have gushed out with my gut feeling for an answer, but look where that had gotten me. “Maybe I will start by learning how the single instruments come together to make the orchestra. Understanding how the parts can be more than their sum.”

“That does sound like a plan.” She prepared to rise. “Do not lose track of the single instruments, though. One wrong note can turn the whole symphony sour.”

“Do you play an instrument, Mitth'ar'alani?” I looked up at her.

“No, I do not.” There was a smile hidden in her tone. “I dance. But only if I like the tune.”

“I will try to impress the piper.” I laid my hand over the ceremonial dagger in my belt.

“Do that. Maybe I'll point you to some worth impressing.”

I watched her leave, pretty certain she would contact me some day or other. Though I was not quite certain what agreement we had come to, I knew it was important. She had had Thrawn's back in the past and might be persuaded to do so again. I'd need to talk about that with Okara. I only realised that the music had stopped because everybody else was slowly leaving. Time to move on. I stared at my feet resentfully, but they complained unperturbed. Oh well, I'd find another place to sit.

In the end, I did, but nowhere near as fast as my tired feet would have liked. Talking with Ar'alani had marked me as socially acceptable territory and there were many people around wishing to take advantage of that. Nine storeys of them, to be exact.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	33. Chapter 32

I never ever in my whole life wanted to have a conversation about music again. And I most certainly didn't want any political talk mixed up in it. It had taken me several conversations to realise that some of my partners used the kal'yenok'tar as a surrogate for my absentee Admiralship and I had been gushing unabashedly. I had let myself get carried away talking about the white monster sitting in my shared parlour and how much it pained me to look at it, but how could I let go?

Oh there would be talk alright.

I had gotten invitations and offers for commcalls and one or two had mentioned friends, relatives or whoevers that actually were quite good with the kal'yenok'tar and I was very invited to hear them play. Now I was not certain if I had been invited to a revolution, blind dates or chamber music. Maybe all of them in one.

On along overdue cup of konot tea I had managed to get up and bring Sarah to preschool. She was actually eager to go. I knew I would complain about that later, but right now I was just ready to drop back into bed when I returned home. Unfortunately, that was not going to happen. Everybody who had offered a call or invitation yesterday had seemingly found it necessary to repeat this with a calling card.

Aden looked as smug as it was possible without being actually smug when he handed me the basket. "I assume your evening was successful, Lanna."

I did not groan, not out loud that is, tried to appear happy and took the deluge of cards. "It would seem so. Though it might depend somewhat on the content of the messages, don't you think?" I stared at them in dejection. "Aden, please, could I get a hot water kettle and some cups in my study?"

"Of course, Lanna. Do you require refreshments as well?"

Nothing I could think of would be able to make me feel fresh right then. More konot tea would keep me upright and from falling asleep with my nose in the keyboard. "No thank you. I just want to be able to make myself some tea."

"As you wish." I almost keeled over because he had actually used the pronoun for the same family. "Do you wish to receive guests?"

"Guests?" My brow furrowed.

"Yes, guests." His tone indicated he already regretted the rash use of pronoun from the last sentence. "I have sent away two visitors while you have brought your daughter to preschool."

The idea of people actually coming to visit me was so stupefying that I wished to sit down. Also, how would I get from my study to the shared parlour in time and was is proper to, no, no way it was proper to receive anybody in the study. I didn't want to start off the visits with a grave offence. I massaged my temples. "Will I get to the shared parlour in acceptable time?" I asked, unable to work that out on my own.

"I will let you know over the house comm. You should make it easily if you don't dally." We both knew how likely that was, but kept silent.

"Let them in then." I would make the best of this. And I would make sure to be fitter the next time an event like this took place. And if there was any way in all Sith hells, I would become a morning person. I shuffled off, wondering how many cups of konot tea it would take to kill me.

As it turned out, I had been wrong. Most of the cards were from people who had attended the night before but who had not been able to grab a word with me and were about to leave the planet again. In their case, visiting me was not a gesture of subordination either, but simply a way of using a place where one of the parties actually lived. This said everything you needed to know about my night because I had stayed until the small hours and never found a minute peace after Ar'alani left. I actually had to get out my schedule and make sure appointments did not clash.

Naturally, I had not gotten far when the first visitor came. It was Thubal and we had a very nice conversation on how I was getting on nicely and how had I liked the music and how I would now be expected to be seen at the Unity Day reception. With some finesse I managed to find out that Unity Day was pretty much New Year, celebrated in honour of the Chiss forefathers getting their shit together and not trying to kill each other any longer, but everybody else. From a Chiss point of view that was likely very celebration-worthy.

So I ignored that fact that I fell onto the other side of the we-us separation and made mental notes to find out about this reception. It might be some kind of logical to celebrate diaspora in the families and unity in one place. Chiss culture was a bit too much to learn without immersion, even with the immersion is was quite a chunk.

I returned to my mail only to be called into the shared parlour again and again. By noon I was tired and annoyed. Not that I could show either. This was the opening I had been waiting for for the last months. I would take it and if it killed myself. Okay, I was exaggerating. Under no circumstances would I leave Sarah alone in this mad society.

Oh my god, Sarah. I looked at the clock and found that I had, fortunately, not _yet_ forgotten to pick her up. Come to think of that, I needed to be more careful with my appointments because I would want to spend time with her in the afternoon. The long days had suddenly morphed into tightly scheduled, much too short units. I cursed and adjusted my schedule.

Then I collected Sarah, let cards and visitors be cards and visitors, though not without telling Aden to politely tell anybody who showed interest in an explanation that my afternoons belonged to my daughter and I would gladly be back the next morning.

For now I was glad Sarah was tired as well. There was no need to play games that involved crawling around. Not to mention that crawling times would soon be over. Yal'ees'amre had explained how Sarah's language skill was acceptable, but how she needed to practice walking more. So that was what they did. It explained why she was so pooped, anyway.

"At least you speak well," I let her know. „Maybe you will be the poet I never was."

Sarah was unimpressed and began to build a second wing to my tower. It toppled and she gave it a crushing glare before protesting loudly. "Mama, da!" She ordered holding up a building block.

"Another tower? As you wish." I began stacking pieces again. "Do you remember the story of the two towers?"

"No."

"Do you want me to tell it?"

"No."

"In which case, I assume one tower will be enough?"

"No."

"Then I will need your help." I pushed some blocks in her direction. We spent some time building, and in her case crashing, towers while she told me about her life. Not that it was all understandable, but it did sound like an approximation of Basic. I wondered if her exposure to the language would be enough to let her grow up bilingual.

After putting her to bed, I did some of the exercises Rukh had shown me and returned to my mails only to find that some of mine had already been answered. This would be a long night. Actually, it was a long night that turned into a long week. The string of mails did abate only slowly as those mostly curious got their calls and promised to call back. Of course, they did not. I was not even mad.

The fact that I spent the late afternoons with Sarah got around quickly, too. It was likely the only thing more embarrassing than stooping to call on me: calling on me when I was not there or, worse, not accepting visitors. I was suddenly not wondering so much what Thorra and Thkela did the whole day. There had been an essay once on how being popular was hard work and time consuming, now I had proof of that. And I wasn't even really popular yet.

Additionally, many visitors were clearly one-time occasions. Some were currently on their yearly visit on Csilla and would return to their homes. They came hoping for a tale to tell, so I gave it to them.

_Once upon a time there was a girl. She lived in the farthest corner of Space Beyond where fairy tales and horror stories became true. And though she was terrified of the monsters lurking in the dark above her, she wanted to live her life as best as she could. Her plans were modest: be a good person, live a good life and improve the world she lived in for everybody in it and later generations._

_But one day the girl met a man who had quite different plans, enormous plans, outrageous plans, plans to kill all the monsters and make everybody safe. It took her some time to believe that he could, but when she beleived, she followed him and helped him as best as she could._

_"Where have you been until now?" She wanted to know._

_And he replied, "This is my exile." But he defended it perfectly anyway._

_One day she realised that she could not improve the world any better than he could, actually, anything she could do, he could do better. And she wondered how she could invest her strength better and how she could improve life for him._

_And they sat down together and talked about it and came to the conclusion that there was nothing she could do he could not outdo her in._

_"The only regret I have," he said, "is that my children will grow up here instead of my home."_

_Hey, thought she, I can do that. And she felt good about it, too, because in her culture giving up everything for the man who improved the shit out of your life was actually valued highly._

_And here I was. Tadaa! End of story._

This story made its way out into the nine home worlds and colonies in different versions, all of them highlighting Thrawn's devotion to protect those he had committed himself to. My personal values were looked on with varying amounts of disbelief and disgust just as Thkela had predicted. I did not care much. I had time to prove that my values had changed and that I had seen and accepted the superiority of the Chiss set of values.

It was more important to show that Thrawn was still adhering to his strict ethic code. He might have done the unthinkable and led a pre-emptive strike, but in a place where this was not a crime he prospered and did great work and could achieve anything. After five days I was very fluent in this story and could tweak it to the taste and needs of the listeners. It began to be boring. I started to watch my visitors more closely and finally had the time to get annoyed at their attitudes.

I was also beginning to reconsider my schedule again. It would likely be better not to have anybody visiting before I visited somebody myself, because I would not be received well if I was a ball of suppressed annoyance. I complimented the couple of Prards out and sank onto the nearest couch. Socialising was taking a lot out of me. I'd just tell Aden not to let in more than five visitors a day.

I had just gotten up to tell him that, when he announced the next guest. Unable to sink into the cushions and disappear, I grumbled to myself, checked my outfit and lor'kina and was only happy a dazzling smile was not required. Chiss body language had to have one advantage. Just as I turned to the door, Aden ushered my guest in and vanished silently.

A dignified looking Chiss stood in the door looking around carefully before entering. I couldn't remember having seen him before. He was a Kres, thank heaven for people actually wearing formal outfits for visits. It had saved me a lot of trouble in the past days and I had been tempted to thank Thrawn on my knees for those annoying lessons he had forced upon me.

"Toahanah'ein'ehere'olu'nawa, Kres'tor'manad," I opted for the formal greeting and blessing Aden for always giving me all the important information.

"Toahanah'eren'ekeset'oluma'nawa, Lanna," he replied in turn, taking my hands and choosing to go for a possible ally. Now that was interesting news. "I have come to see who would return as the wife of my old friend, Mitth'raw'nuruodo.” His lor'kina rippled with polite curiosity and past intimacy.

Unexpected and a new approach. Still, I was getting so tired of this. Was I the newest exhibit in a zoo? Actually, I was. With a sigh I spreads my arms and turned. "There, happy?"

"Well," his amusement was obvious, "it does certainly tell me that despite his years my old friend has not lost his taste for adventure with age or space separating us."

"Indeed." My mind was still doing the maths on his name which showed how very far I stood beside myself. "Indeed!" I tried to get my grin back under control before it split my face.

"Is there something I should be aware of?" He put it to me as an honest question.

I was quick to assure him everything was fine and checked on my submission and compliance signals. When I found them all in place, I went ahead and offered him to sit down. "Would you like refreshments?" I asked as he chose the seat with the best view of the garden.

"If they are as refreshing as you are."

I was floundering a little at his lack of sarcasm indicators, or inflection of any kind. I was also distracted by a glance at the back of his tunic that brought dreadful certainty with it. I decided to ignore both. "You will have to find out for yourself," I replied. I was very tempted to give him konot tea to drink, but I felt it would be violating the unspoken law that you didn't drug your guests.

"That I shall do."

I commed Aden to bring something interesting for refreshments. This might turn out interesting, or embarrassing, likely both.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	34. Chapter 33

"I have been watching you," he continued, scanning me as I went to sit down as well.

Long years of practice, oh who was I fooling? Complete surprise and the inability to compute let me sit down as if that was nothing unexpected. "Indeed. Is there a reason for that?"

"I was wondering," he framed himself in polite resentment, "when the spouse of one of my best friends would call on me."

I showed my surprise openly, bending not only the fingers backwards, but the whole hand at the wrist. "I apologise for my mistake, I did not know who to turn to."

His disbelief showed, but what had I expected?

"It is one of the topics Mitth'raw'nuruodo had been tight lipped on. Likely to foster no false expectations to meet friends that were no longer."

"Harsh," Strom replied, "not even giving you the chance to find that out for yourself."

"Kind," I countered, "because I hope easily."

At this moment Aden saved me with the refreshments. Without being told, he had brought konot tea and some of my private chocolate supply along with the more traditional water, fruit and nibbles. I introduced the unknown bits to my guest and helped myself to a cup of tea. I grinned stupidly happy into the cup as I took the first sip. Tea and me; some things never change.

"I will trust your judgement on the tea." Storm poured himself a cup while tried to stop grinning. Tea or no, this was barely proper behaviour. "Still it seems unlikely that Thrawn would not have mentioned me at all."

I made a pause of appropriate length to consider this. What I really considered was, who was he, what was his goal and how could I fond out without lowering my guard or telling him something he shouldn't know. "He might just have believed that, once here, the old friends still holding on, would approach me."

"And how would you know who those are?"

"I am not wholly without resources," I told him. "If I felt like leaving you alone for a moment, I could gain certainty. But," I let that hang for a second before I continued, "as I rather not have unwatched strangers in my room, I will live with the thrill of uncertain disaster."

"Or maybe an old army doctor has not been as important has he liked to believe." Storm sounded thoughtful.

"An army without doctors is a helpless bunch. And important is as important does." I offered him some chocolate.

"Did he teach you to talk in riddles like that?" Storm picked a piece carefully. "You sound awfully like he did when he went off on a rant."

The image of a ranting Grand Admiral was not one that came easily. Only adding a real soap box to stand on and some chibi attributes made it happen. "Unfortunately not." I shook the image. "It would have taken quite a long time to learn how to express myself like him, especially in Cheunh."

"You're speaking quite good for a foreigner."

"Thank you. I assume you have heard other foreigner speak so you can draw this comparison?"

"I have met with Beyonders now and then." He scrutinised the chocolate before eating it, letting me wait for the end of his explanation all the while. "A family called Fel, rather active in Borderspace."

"Indeed." I took a sip of tea so I had some more time to think of something to say. "I did not know they had aspirations to live in the Ascendancy."

"Aspirations is too great a word," Storm looked like a great cat that had just pounced something. Strangely enough, I didn't feel pounced at all. "They are quite interested in the tradition of shadow children from what I hear though."

I did not try to hide my aversion. "A horrible tradition from horrible times," I told him. "I did not think that nowadays and in a meritocracy it was still practised."

"You may believe in our values more than we do." He picked up another piece of chocolate while tried to keep my mind from reeling. "It is nice to see that we can at least still promote them properly."

"I don't think I understand and I do not know if I want to." I hid behind my cup of tea again.

"You understand just fine." He pointed in the direction of Sarah's room. "Why do you think that gambit worked, when merit children are all you need?"

"Because even merit children have to come from somewhere." Now that was a solid reason. I congratulated myself.

"There are twenty-eight colonies," he leant forwards a little, "none of them inhabited by - sentient species when we moved in. What do you make of that?"

That I needed more tea and probably a blanket or two because that prospect was chilling.

"So we learnt from our mistakes and rue them deeply. So we won't ever do something like that again. So we open our arms to new species in our space and welcome them," he indicated my clothes, "like this."

My hand went to my dagger without me noticing. "There are no other species in your space."

"Not anymore." His eyes followed my hand. "Welcome to Csilla, Mel'lanna'morrison."

"Thank you, Kres'tor'manad," I replied automatically, still trying to process the information. I had been prepared to handle a xenophobic bunch of blockheads, not a xenocidal group of mass murderers. Not so different, Ar'alani's words echoed through my head. I had to wipe them out, Thrawn's words to Pellaeon. Suddenly this whole idea didn't look so bright anymore.

"Now I have scared you. I apologise." Storm got up and patted me on the shoulder as he walked past me to the kal'yenok'tar. "So you have unearthed this monstrosity?" He ran his fingers over the white surface.

The terror abruptly made place for a different kind of aversion, namely that of seeing somebody else touch what was Thrawn's. Before I could continue two things happened. Storm went on talking and I got a good look at his rear. No, not that part, the tunic was cut long enough to cover that up anyway, but the back of his clothes.

"...used to play together sometimes," his voice pierced through the fog in my head. "Pieces for four hands, rather challenging, most of them, he wouldn't do anything easy."

Oh shit.

He turned around and frowned. "This was supposed to lighten the mood, not terrify you even worse." His fingers curled in question.

"I was just thinking of the farewell reception for the So'weëra'nok," I said carefully.

"Ah." There was a silence in which we both looked at the other, saying nothing in words. In the end he relaxed and a smile flickered over his features. "You were spectacular."

I opened my mouth and then closed it again, frowning furiously. "No, you were."

He accepted that with a gracious bow he had decidedly not learnt from a Chiss. "I say, we shall get along very well. Do you know how to play an instrument?"

"Not very well," I admitted. He was fast at changing topics. I wondered what conversations between him and Thrawn had been like. Unfollowable, most likely. Lucky bastards. "It's called a flute."

"Why did you stop?"

I wondered whether to tell him the whole horrible story child molesting and all but decided against it. "It didn't seem important compared with other arts."

"And now you paint." He leant against the kal'yenok'tar, scrutinising me with the look of somebody who knew what Thrawn did to paintings.

"Everybody understands my words," I said. "I prefer a smaller audience on a level of such intimacy."

I was certain he would have laughed if it had been proper, his eyes were fireworks of their own right. "I'd like to see some of the pictures anyway."

"I'd like to hear you play again one day."

"Deal." He looked at something behind me.

When I turned, I saw Rukh standing in the door. He growled a question.

"I am sorry, Kres'tor'manad," I turned back to my guest. "We will have to continue this conversation some other day. I have-"

"A daughter to collect." His lor'kina let me know there was no apology necessary. "I understand perfectly well. They grow up too fast and you need to catch every second with them you can."

"Thank you again, Kres'tor'manad." I closed my hands into fists before guided him to the door. "You are welcome any time. When will you leave Csilla for your home?"

"I do live here." He kept a straight face. "Thus my return might be more imminent that you anticipate."

"Not if I visit you first," I said thinking of my social status."

"There is always that. Heret'oahanat'atast'anere'itoan'ok'ethe." With a last flash of his eyes, he was gone. 

I stared at the door for a moment before catching myself and getting ready to collect Sarah. Not that there was much to do. I had shoes on already, I wouldn't need a jacket; I didn't need a key. The only thing that kept me from rushing off was the possibility to run into Storm on my way out and have one of those awkward encounters.

So I took deep breaths and counted to a hundred, hoping that a minute would be gone by after that. In the middle I stopped and said thank you to Rukh instead who indicated that we needed to talk later on. I nodded and was off.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	35. Chapter 34

"So I have to hear that you are unfaithful to me." Threll exuded wounded pride. "Whatever you find in that old bore?"

"The calm and aplomb of age," I told the young man not the least bit contrite. "He also tells me all the embarrassing stories about my husband that _he_ would rather not have me hear."

"Apology accepted." He shrugged elaborately. There was no argument you could make against getting to hear the silly secrets of somebody's past. "Your social life is coming along well otherwise?"

"Only too well." I sighed. Some of the curiosity had abated but many of the contacts were likely there to stay. Not that I could complain because I had wanted that, but for somebody who preferred to hole up and watch the world through a screen, all this socialising was extremely exhausting.

"I think it will go even better if you call me again in two days time." The Chiss equivalent of a wink seemed to be brief dimming of the eyes. What they could do with that glow. I must look very inarticulate to them with my blunt blue eyes.

"Then I will be certain to call. So much can happen in just two days."

"I will want all the details, especially of the new play of Chaf'ena'lemrok. He's said to be the next big thing. As far as anybody can tell that for somebody as young."

I did not point out that Fenal was actually a few years older than Threll. But I promised to keep my eyes and ears open. Threll was also a dramatist and sometimes it bothered him that he could not be in the centre of creativity. Unfortunately, there was no way we could swap places. And trying to find a preschool on a military ship was not even the greatest obstacle.

"Ah, the unbridled vigour of youth," Storm commented on Threll respectively. "Great times; you feel invincible, and are we not? Time did not yet claw at our lives and make us feel its sting."

He lived in a flat in the Kres district, the third district to our left and a bit too far to walk for a lazy person like me. And though his place was in the third section, it was also in the eighth circle, so I did not have to walk through the whole district.

The house was nice with three storeys, small balconies and a patch of garden in front of it. The back opened to the local park, so it was almost like having a big garden, too. The flat was bigger than anything I had even lived in, still it seemed tiny after the luscious waste of space in the anero.

"It's what you get for living in Csaplar," he said off-handedly. "I have a nice house all to myself with a patch of garden on Noris. Maybe I'll show it to you one day."

If I ever got permission to leave this place. Not that I knew if I was actually grounded. And for the time being it didn't even matter because the last thing I was thinking about was getting off the planet again. "What is is bout Csaplar, that everybody wants to live here?" I wondered out loud.

"It's the capital of civilised space," Storm explained. "The bright and shining beacon of order and culture in a tumultuous sea of black and empty space."

"I have never been fond of capitals." I apologised slightly by indicating to move my hand in front of my mouth. "I prefer fewer people and more nature."

"But then you are a savage alien barbarian and such things must be expected."

"Yeah, you can take the barbarian out of the sky, but you can't take the sky out of the barbarian. Or at least the longing for it." I sighed and decided it was time for a different topic.

"Our sky is a cold and cruel mistress," Strom said before I could change the subject, though. "She takes out children and though the most of them return, not all do. And those whose careers lie out there are ever in danger of a sudden – skyfall."

It was not a topic for polite conversation among acquaintances. I did not know how to react. Of course I had done my research and official records told me that he had two adult children and one deceased wife. Since I'd rather have the details from him personally, and only in case he wanted to share, I had not dug any deeper.

"I know nothing about this," I had to admit. "Time has been kind to me so far."

"On what an enviably peaceful planet you must have grown up." His curiosity was obvious.

Again I didn't know what to say. I wouldn't call Earth a peaceful planet by a long stretch, but there was no denying that I had grown up privileged and far away from any real conflict. I realised that sooner or later I would have to come up with a consistent version of my past. Might as well start now.

"It was peaceful," I agreed. "At least where I grew up. Armed conflicts were what I knew from the news. There was not a single gun in my environment and all knives were meant for the kitchen." The intensity of his gaze made me uneasy. "I started taking self-defence classes for fun."

He shook his head. "Unthinkable. Not unimaginable, though."

"It is a different world," I said. "My place wouldn't last a day here, my people wouldn't, I-" I broke off. "I had some time to adapt."

"I assume that time has not been that kind to you after all."

"No. And yes." My hands fluttered a little. "It was deemed necessary that I get acquainted with the workings of time. Some of our run-ins turned out to be fkaed. It didn't make them any easier, though."

"I hope you let him have it for that." Storm sounded honestly put out. He also knew my absentee Admiralship better than I had expected. Off-hand comments like these were normal.

"I don't know." I let my shoulders sag for a moment. "I guess not."

For whatever reason it surprised Storm mightily that Thrawn had been walking all over me. It was interesting to see, because right now, what everybody was doing, was practically walking all over me. Nothing had changed at all. Maybe it was the idea of an equal relationship that he had. Though where he got that idea from I wouldn't know. Certainly not from me.

I managed to turn the conversation towards his children, both still alive. His daughter had gone into medical science and had married a Sabosen who had promised to make all of her discoveries legal. His son had become a 'normal' doctor on Sarvchi, not last because he had married a Chaf woman living there.

I asked him, why he was still living on Csilla.

"Because this is my life." I was not sure he understood my question. "My children are grown up, have children of their own. I have a part in their life, but that is one of a welcome guest and visitor. But what I want and what I do is all here, on Csilla, in Csaplar."

"I doubt you are an army doctors here, Kres'tor'manad." I glanced at the black of his tunic.

"You would be amazed at the amount of paperwork that military doctoring produces."

I couldn't envision him behind some desk sorting papers and filing things and I told him so.

"Quite right," he agreed. "I am telling everybody how they should do their paperwork. Organising field tests and checking on the testing vessels. It is not as action filled as patching up your crew, but on the up side, you do not have to patch up your crew."

"Can't argue with that," I said. And so we chatted amiably until it was time for me to leave.

"Have you seen Kres'ove'nelkad's exhibition already?" He asked as he escorted me to the door. "Oh you have to," he insisted when I replied that I hadn't. "He is quite amazing micro-colourist, you have to go. No, better yet, I'll call you and you better have some appointments ready to dish out. I won't accept a no."

"Then I won't even try." I had no idea what micro colouring was and already wondered if I wanted to be surprised or if that would be another faux pas.

"Good. Enjoy the time with your daughter, Lanna."

"That I will, Kres'tor'manad." I couldn't help smiling at the thought of Sarah. "Until we meet again."

It felt good to know that there would actually be a next time and that it would be fun. I regretted the fact that he had no children in Sarah's age. Though that would not have been working very well for any length of time. I decided to look into the micro colouring thing. I would make a fool out of myself anyway, no need to add extra occasions to my repertoire.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	36. Chapter 35

I had absolutely no idea how to explain my utter inability to judge Chaf'ena'lemrok's play to Threll. It had possibly been brilliant, I would never know. All I could do was separate entertaining plays form those that bored me. A cunning production might just bore me to tears whereas a flashy piece of loud trash could hold me in thrall. Fenal's play had been neither.

Everybody had been running around in black-and-white striped prison jumpsuits with one stripe coloured to represent A Thing. They were all colours of the rainbow and then some, so I could not make much sense of it. Their dialogue was surely connected though on a level I could not find. I was not sure if the play was about the forming of the first houses or the hypothetical thawing of the planet.

Since you did not applaud to show your appreciation but talked directly to the involved, I had nothing to gauge the reception by. And since I had never been at a play before, I could not compare the aftermath of this with that of anything else. I was just happy that everybody wanted to talk to the actors and I could stand at the side and watch. I didn't even know if was impolite to just leave. The last was a question I would certainly ask Threll.

The comm pinged softly and his young, blue face appeared on my screen. "Let me just tell you, before-"

And he was gone in a storm of statics. I stared for a long minute, not sure if it was actually a malfunction. With a sudden, the image was back, showing me a woman in blinding white. "Good evening, Lanna." her hands were slightly outstretched. A gesture that implied a formal greeting, even if the comm wouldn't allow for that.

I mirrored her gesture. She was amazingly beautiful, the white setting of the blue hue of her skin and emphasising her jet black hair. The effect was one I knew, one I liked and certainly one that I fell prey to easily.

"Good evening to you too, Ar'anasi." I stumbled over the sudden name change.

"And here I have heard you are slow in your head." I was not sure she was using sarcasm or not. "But to each their own. We need to talk."

There was no room for argument in her lor'kina so I just accepted. This straightforwardness was surprising and rather refreshing. Suddenly I missed Dave. "I am wholly at your disposal, Ar'anasi."

"Good, we need to discuss the direction of your socialising. The choice of friends you chose to start from is fine if a tad predictable. Still, you have made yourself agreeable to anybody who approached you; there is nothing contrary to hear about you apart from the generic anti-alien slant." She considered the tally for a moment.

"There is talk about you attending the reception on Unity Day. I would not have expected this, but since you are everywhere at the moment, people actually expect it. Quite a feat, Lanna, well done. We need to build on that and make sure it happens."

I was trying to follow her, but completely lost it at 'well done'. To the best of my knowledge I had done nothing yet. I had just reacted kindly to everybody and accepted every invitation because I had had a six month draught in that respect. Plus, I still hoped to meet people that would actually be of use for my quest.

"I agree," I said just to say something. I wasn't even sure what I agreed with.

"Do you indeed get along well with Kres'tor'manad?"

"I do, Ar'anasi."

"Good. He will open many doors for you. Threll will pique curiosity in the fleet. I will do nothing of that kind." She paused. "Are Thorra and Thkela informed?"

Informed of what? My secret mission that everybody seemed to know about? "They have heads of their own to think with," I tried to get out of the affair.

"It is too soon to be offensive about anything," she went on as if she hadn't heard. "I hope you have no plans to make a move any time soon?"

"Ar'anasi," I almost sighed, "I have not planned to make any move at all, not now, not later, not ever. It is not up to me to move anything."

Her eyes narrowed for a split second. "Is that so?"

I held my own. "That is how it is."

"An unexpected strategy. It needs consideration. But you are sure about this?"

"I am, Ar'anasi." I put all the honesty I could find on my lor'kina. "This is why I am here. I will not make a move."

"It will take longer." It was not even an objection.

"If it has not been me, it cannot be put down as an alien's whim. I will not make a move." I turned my palms to my body.

"You are not what I expected," she finally said. "I might like that."

"You are even more than I expected," a smile flitted over my face, "and I like that very much.

"We will see. You know you next steps?"

"I do." I hoped I looked and sounded confident, because I was still half confused by the conversation.

"Good. I will talk to you on Unity Day." She gave me a moment to ask any last questions.

"I am looking forward to it," I just replied. The questions I had were too many or none at all. Considering her businesslike attitude, I opted for none. It would hopefully let her think of me as capable for a few more weeks, too. Unity Day was only a week away. I had absolutely no idea why anybody would think I'd show up at all. It was the reception of the high and mighty, the influential and aspiring.

Of course it was fun to think of in a Cinderella kind of way. Me, the poor girl in blue among the most noble of the Ascendancy, lost and lonely, but about to find the prince. Too bad I had already done that and people would certainly not look benevolently at me grabbing another guy a few months after arriving. So, no fairy tale for me.

I waited for a while in front of the black screen, but Threll did not come back. So I would have to wait a proper amount of time before calling him again. By that time, I had likely forgotten everything about that play he had asked about. I scanned my schedule. A chamber music evening tomorrow, recital the day after, then I had promised Storm to visit Kres Museum with him. The evenings of the coming weeks were actually pleasantly full.

On the down side that meant that I had to spend most of my mornings and early afternoons comming people, visiting people and talking to people. I hated people. I didn't want to take the time and find out if we had anything in common. Unfortunately, the Chiss society was set up in such a way that, no matter who you met, you did have something in common and thus something to talk about. It was absolutely disgusting.

It helped that I could think of it as my job. I had to network, meet a lot of people, create a buttload of connections on which I could later fall back on. I was not quite sure for what, as I had not been lying about not wanting to make any moves myself. The plan – hey, I actually had a plan – was to have other people make moves for me.

A plans go it was horribly vague on all details, but I had always been better at reacting than acting. How should I know what I would do before somebody gave me the chance to react? I almost heard Thrawn frown disapprovingly at that attitude across the galaxy. He was a man of action, one of the things I liked so much about him.

If only he was here. I sighed and stared at the screen which had turned itself off. If only. Things would be so much easier. I pulled open the drawer and stared at the sealed letter still lying in there for a change. I'm just a girl with skin-coloured eyes, how can you expect me to last? Among those blue-skinned, cold-blooded- I was about to gear up for a nice rant to keep my sadness at bay, when the comm pinged softly and turned itself on again.

Taking a deep breath I hoped it would be short and I'd hold up. And anyway, how could the comm even do that? It only did this if a call had been-

"Now that was quite a bug in the connection, wasn't it?" Threll greeted me cheerily. "I see it affected you more than me." He toned down immediately. "You want me to call later?"

"I want so many things. Mitth'rel'lapis. Can you give them to me?" I tried to blink away my mood. "I think not. So what does one more matter? And by the time you call again, knowing your horrible habits, I will have forgotten everything about Cahf'ena'lemrok's play."

"You actually went?" He sounded surprised.

"You asked me to and I saw no reason to refuse," I replied. "And it was a public performance."

"Lanna," his lor'kina rippled a little apologetically, "Chaf'ena'lemrok is a blockheaded traditionalist of the most sturdy kind. He'd support a bill forcing House Inrokini to change its colour because it reminds too much of barbarous outsiders. And you really went."

"I did." Suddenly I didn't feel so good about it any more. On the other hand, I really regretted not talking to any of the actors now. That would have been a nice little éclat. The image had me suppress giggles. "I can't say I understood much of it, though. I really should have talked to the actors and have them explain it to me."

Apart from his eyes Threll remained completely calm. "It is better you didn't. I would have killed you personally, because I had no chance to be there and see that."

"I could go again," I offered. "I think they have a few more performances scheduled. I could brink Rukh to record the footage for you."

"No." He let no space for argument. "We need you alive. There are less dangerous ways for you to amuse yourself. Go, find them."

"Alright." I lowered my head into submission. "Alright, I will. But first, you will have to answer some questions to make sure I don't make a bigger fool out of myself than necessary."

"I guess, every little bit helps," he said in a most condescending tone. I launched a barrage of questions, well aware that conversations like this kept the sorrow at bay, even if only temporarily. I was not all alone, no matter what my grief-stricken mind liked to tell me. I just needed more things to drown it out with.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	37. Chapter 36

To my complete un-surprise, I spent the evening of Unity Day on my own causing talk nevertheless. Not that I moped or anything. It was just: really people? Really? How long in advance are invitations to such an event sent? Days? Weeks? Well, maybe weeks, but definitely more than one week.

"Can I just show up because people expect it?" I asked Thkela.

"Definitely not." She had been very clear about that. "There is a wave of last minute invitations a few days before the reception to fill in those places that have been unexpectedly vacated. But even that would have been an unexpected concession to popular curiosity."

"Thought so," I agreed. "I wouldn't have known what to do there anyway. I am not important, influential and not even very entertaining."

"You could have chosen a more displayable art," she said, but it was not a reproof. "Even then it is unlikely that you had gotten a chance to perform. The reception celebrates the peaceful unification of the Ruling Houses against external threats. Alien art would not be welcome."

I thought of Fenal and said nothing. Actually, I was sad and relieved at the same time. Sad that I had, oncce again, not managed the impossible; relived because I did not have to handle the aftermath of achieving the impossible. Neither the social onslaught, nor facing the expectation that I would do the impossible again in the foreseeable future.

Instead I took extra time to play with Sarah and put her to bed. I had another dinner with Rukh, relating some of the last events in the Lord of the Rings; he really liked the scouring of the Shire. We exercised some and when I looked out over the starlit garden, I dropped my knife. Rukh caught me under the ribs less than friendly. I hardly noticed.

"Look," I forced out on the last of my breath. "Stars."

He did turn. And though his alert stance did not waver for a moment, I could see the surprise on his small frame. Stars. Stars, indeed.

I got back to my feet and opened the double doors to the balcony. But the stars were still there. With my eyes glued to the sky, I went to the balustrade, curling my fingers around the cold stone. "Where did they come from?" I asked into the night.

"It must be a special feature for festive nights." Rukh came to sand beside me. "It must cost a fortune to power that."

"Did you look up on Diaspora Day?" I certainly had not. In general, I did not look up at the sky often enough. Well, had not looked up. Here, not looking up was comparable to a survival mechanism. If I didn't see the ice, it was not there.

"I did not," he replied. "I will make a note to do so next time."

"So will I." I wondered if they had taken the trouble to imitate the actual constellations, the brightness of the stars, the phases of the moons. "No moons," I whispered. It was almost sad.

"Likely too difficult to imitate credibly," Rukh chimed in on my thoughts. "The stars are likely fixed too, not following their actual course across the firmament."

We stood watching the stars in silence. After a while they made me sad. They did not flicker, their light was not glinting with the cold of space. They were beautiful, certainly, but beautiful as images of stars were beautiful, as stars by van Gogh or Friedrich, beautiful as a representation of stars. But in the end they were just not stars.

"There is a form of kharath called Stargazer and Sunrise," Rukh said into the heavy silence.

"You never told me about that one," I accepted the conversation.

"It is no good for self-defence, it trains muscle control and timing." He stared into the night. "It is nothing you could deploy in a fight."

"I don't think control over my movements is something I would not profit from," I offered. "You know what a klutz I can be."

"I know." He was silent for a long time. Then he took a step back and launched into the form. It was slow, sometimes excruciatingly so, like a person caught in a deep sleep walking about, the eyes raised to the sky, following the dance of the stars. It ended with a motion that brought the Noghri down to the ground in a low curling crouch only to unfold again. I realised where the sunrise came from.

"It is beautiful," I said after he had finished.

"I will teach you," he replied, "when you are more likely to kill your opponent with your knife than yourself.

"Fair enough." I feared I would never get around to this form this way, but when he had to decide between beautiful and useful, Rukh would always go for useful. Especially if it would help to keep me alive. "We better get back to working on that."

So we did. And after that I watched Sarah sleep for a while because I couldn't. The fake stars were grating on my nerves even now. And the letter had vanished and I was torn between hope and embarrassment. And Thrawn was light-years away and had real stars, real stars and real skies. How old would Sarah be before she saw her first real sky? The first ray of true sunlight?

Brooding on things like that wouldn't improve my mood any, but at least they kept me away from more personal pains. Why was I going to sleep in an empty bed each night? Why did it hurt sometimes? Why didn't it other nights? And if blankets couldn't fly, what was the fluffy thing doing, ending up in corners of the room some nights?

There was not enough chocolate, not enough tea or even alcohol to quench the impotent rage that would grab me. And I would get up with fists full of bite marks. But the pillow was long dried again and the blanket found its way back onto the bed and water washed all marks from my face. And I would go through another day and not know what the evening would bring.

_The corridors are grey, but it is ice. I run and slip and don't get anywhere as doors rush by. The wind catches my hair, tugging my head this way and that. The sky is grey as well. A lonely black bird drops over it. I try to catch it but_ he _bars my way._

_I can't believe he has found me and don't mind being crushed against the icy grey bulkhead._

_"But what have you done?" His voice is as dark as the fire in his eyes._

_I have no answer and watch his lips as he continues._

_"You are not supposed to gaze at the stars, Mellanna. Look at me."_

_I am sucked into the red vortex of his eyes, finding neither hand- nor foothold, going down, down down..._

Protecting my head with my arms was painful, but it broke the fall. My legs were tangled up in the blankets as I stared at my topsy-turvy world. Even my dreams didn't know my real name any longer.

_Go back to sleep, Mel,_ I told myself. Forget that name, it was never yours to claim; you never did anything with it. Hold on to what you have. It might mean something in the end. I would have given almost anything to be able to curl up against my Admiralship. It was ugly, going back to sleep after a nightmare on your own. But what choice did I have?

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	38. Chapter 37

"Well, this didn't go quite as expected," Threll told me the next day.

"It did not?" I raised brow before I could stop myself.

"You really didn't expect to go, then?"

"Yeah, I didn't. I really have no idea why you were certain that I would."

"Well," he made a long pause that got me thinking some very nasty thoughts. "Nothing to be done about it now, anyway. I'm sure you'll make it by next year."

This didn’t alleviate my sudden suspicions. And the next year seemed to be so far away. "Possibly," I agreed. "Will you be there to witness that in person?"

"I do not know. I will do my best." He looked at me for a moment. "We were hoping you'd play all this with a bit more of a – flourish."

"But I am not playing." I smiled. "And I will personally have pointed words, and more, with anybody who wants to make my life or that of my daughter a game."

"Acknowledged. I will instead try to get my days off in jet'yeo'tao* so I can attend the farewell reception of your So'weëra'nok."

"That would be nice." The idea to meet him again in person appealed to me. "I shall let Kres'tor'manad know he won't be required that evening."

"Don't you dare. The old sod and I need to face off over you sooner or later." We were back on common territory.

"At least the old sod is here to take my mind off my harsh defeat in person," I replied. "And has actually promised to do so tomorrow by accompanying me to the recital of the Primal Declarations."

"You are going to listen to that bore?" He expressed concern. "Do not forget a soft pillow."

"I am sure Kres'tor'manad will allow me to sleep on his shoulder," I said just to rile him up a little.

"I am sure, he will, old philanderer he is!" Threll reacted accordingly. "Give him my regards and we'll duel at the next convenient date."

I promised I would.

Naturally, Storm agreed. "I would expect no less of such a whippersnapper. But since he is up there in space somewhere and I am right here, I will take unabashed advantage of than and invite you to visit me any time you like."

I returned the favour, not knowing if it was really a favour coming from me.

"I shall come if you have something to show," he replied.

For a moment I was so pleased by his acceptance that I forgot that I would need paintings for this. "I shall immediately attend a flash-painting course," I said when I realised it.

"Please don't. I'd rather see what you come up with on your own."

"Having aspirations to emulate my dear exiled?" Not that I believed anybody could.

"I can read you well enough without this humbug." His confidence was annoying but nothing new. Chiss went through a hard school of reading people and they could not, for the lives of themselves, turn it off.

"In the which case I shall be true to my minimalist nature and present a liner exhibition of five." That had been a fad some decades back, but at least it meant I only needed five paintings. Which was five more than I had. Or maybe only three. And I could go through the stacks of the discarded accumulation of ugly blobs. Good. Excellent.

True to myself I went ahead with this plan at the next possible moment which turned out to be days later. I was living a social-interaction-appreciation-life and when I was not, I had Sarah. Unfortunately, all the crap on canvas I remembered stashing in the private parlour of my absentee husband was indeed crap on canvas. The only reason I hadn't thrown them away was because it seemed to be such a horrible waste of paint and canvas. Even if they were already ruined.

In my private parlour I found even more ruined canvas. Scrunched up in a corner lay the painting I had been working on on the evening where I had gone to the live music at the Arts Tower. The paint had dried and held the canvas in its position. It broke and splintered when I tried to smooth it out. Well, I could work with that. Even though, it would take a long time to get the five paintings together. It was annoying. Then I had another idea.

"Can I invite people to the reception on the 31st of jet'yeo'pek*?" I asked Thorra. It was the evening before the Ne'weëran'ok left for its traditional yearly visit to Copero. Even if Threll was in outer space and Storm was likely to decline, I wanted to know if I was at least able to make the gesture of inviting them.

"Of course," she said. "It is an occasion not only for all the family to come together but also for close friends." He body language indicated that she understood I had only few friends, so they were all welcome.

I did not yet know, and possibly neither did Thorra or Thkela, if I would accompany the family to Copero. I was not really a part of it and Sarah was too young to attend anything on her own. It was not quite certain yet if I would be of more use on Copero than I could do damage in Csaplar. Personally, I couldn't imagine the anero deserted and me all alone in the empty halls.

"Please let us know soon how many and who you want to invite so we can factor it into our preparations."

"I will, Thorra. Give me a day."

The reception was only four weeks off so I needed to make up my mind fast. Not that I had many people to invite who were not Mitth and thus likely invited already. I considered inviting Fenal for a mad moment, but then reality had me back. This was not a time to play, as I kept telling people. I needed to approach this with reason. Which, admittedly, was not one of my stronger traits.

Okara did not call until over a week later. She had been staying in Csaplar for a while and only back in space did the connection through Threll work again. She was not wearing her white so I assumed she was still on a kind of holiday.

"Looks like you machinations didn't work out as well as you expected," I said.

She didn't even deny it. "It is unfortunate. Your appearance at the reception would have showcased you as the exceptional person you are expected to be. It would have been good leverage in the process-"

"Hold it right there." I was aware of how impolite it was to interrupt her. It showed on her lor'kina that she knew as well and was very interested in knowing how I dared. "I am not exceptional. I mean," I tried several ways of saying this in my head, none of them working the least. "Look, " I began again, " I know what you are trying to do for me. And I am grateful, I really am. But I would prefer you didn't do this any more unless I know about it.

"And why is that?" She clearly expected me to go along with her approach.

"Because I don't know," I nodded curtly, "how far I can trust you."

She bristled visibly at that. "Trust me?"

I nodded. "Can I trust you, Ar'anasi, with my future?" She confirmed wordlessly. "The future of my husband?" Another confirmation. "The life of my daughter?"

She hesitated.

"See," I ran my hand over my mouth, "that is it, really. We have all those plans and high goals, our schemes and intentions. But what about her? As long as I have no name, how do you get rid of me? I can protect myself, I am no stranger to danger. But her? Who will protect her?

"And if I make anybody on this planet antsy, or nervous, or just pissed off, what do they have to do to get rid of me? Nothing much. Without my daughter, I must leave. I am a non-problem. But I am not willing," I my whole body went rigid in decision, "to risk my daughter's life. Not ever. And it is keeping me up at night." I took a deep breath.

"I understand," Ar'anasi replied, though she did not seem to happy about it.

"Good." I relaxed a little. "I cannot be extraordinary, now least of all. What I need to be now," I leant towards he image in conspiracy, "is the foreigner. The harmless klutz, interesting enough to have around, not intelligent enough to be a danger. A curiosity of no consequence."

Ar'anasi raised her hands to a height I had never achieved before with anybody. "I see your point and your logic. This will be a long way."

No joking. "I did not expect this to be a short mission," I told her. "I came prepared to actually spend the rest of my life here. And this way, if there is anything to be know that will be of advantage, I am more likely to hear it than if people think I am clever and will beat them in their own game. It cannot be."

"It is a workable premise. The concerted actions need to be aligned. You will hear from me."

And she was gone. I stared at the screen for a moment, then decided I was in no mood to talk to Threll and cut the connection. I'd have to appease him later. Right now I felt the need to chew on my nails and make sure Sarah was perfectly fine. Which, of course, she was, if several blocks away at preschool. And she would be safe there if I had anything to say about it, which seemingly I had. And so far nobody had been witness to my presumed brilliancy. So it would be easy to make everybody believe it was a myth. Which it was, come to think of it.

Oh, my life was great. I had to make people believe the truth about me was true. This would certainly work out well. I looked back at my life and got a little worried, though. I had been perceived in many weird ways, so maybe it would not be as easy as I expected, especially if people were convinced that I was actually brilliant.

I cursed my blue-skinned Grand Admiral. It was certainly all his fault. If only I could tell him in person. The idea to poke his chest repeatedly had some appeal. Before my imagination could run with that idea, though, the comm went off again. I answered it wearily.

"You cut me off, Lanna, that was highly inappropriate!" Threll displayed such an amazing amount of wounded feelings that it was funny. It was fake, naturally, but still.

"I am possibly sorry," I replied. "I was not aware you had an important announcement to make." Luckily the words for 'important announcement' and 'proposal' were close enough in Cheunh to have a great pun here. I managed not to burst out in giggles, too. And so we were back on bickering territory which always worked.

 

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *jet'yeo'tao - Second month of the Chiss year - Month of the Moons  
> *jet'yeo'pek; First month of the Chiss year - Month of the Sun


	39. Chapter 38

Ar'alani took even longer to contact me. By the time she called I had visited two exhibitions with Storm, as well as one play and two musical performances on my own. Sarah had made her first steps. The farewell party for the rest of the House was also dangerously close. Threll and I had argued about everything from the beginning to the universe to clairvoyance as a profession. I had also been given a list of artists I was not to attend.

He had not looked happy when I had been very happy about those recommendations. I was not supposed to get myself into trouble. Most of the artists would not be accessible for me anyway. Their exhibitions and performances were private and they knew well why. Fenal had been an exception and the hardcore traditionalists had learnt from it. Unfortunately.

I had also turned the ball of bad painting into something resembling art. That meant I was only three paintings short of inviting my Kres. He was no closer to giving a taste of his skills on the Kal'yenok'tar, though. Whatever I had to do to earn that, I was slowly giving up on it. And he was not the only artist playing it. I made a point of planning to go as many performances as I could. My fondness of this instrument was certainly getting around.

“Your change of plans does mean that we will not associate for a while yet,” Thara and former Ar'alani said.

“I never changed any of my plans,” I let her know. It was still bothering me that everybody was making plans for me without even asking me. I was getting tired of that. And I actually did have a plan of my own for a change.

“It is an encumbrance.” She did not judge me which was a nice change. “And you will have to rely on yourself more than anticipated.”

“And this is perceived as a problem?” I knew it was, but if I was considered incompetent, I wanted to hear out loud.

“A drawback,” Thara said instead. “But we should have expected something like that.”

I was not sure if 'that' referred to me be obnoxious, to me having plans of my own or to me not playing along. It didn't matter. “You find a safe way to use your approach and I’m game.”

“We are working on that,” she assured me. “And it is not as if we will never meet. I think in a few weeks is a likely time.”

“I would think so too.” I was wondering how to hide a lengthy conversation in an event like the leave-taking but Thara certainly had more experience with that than me so I would leave that to her. “A shame I won't be seeing Copero yet, but there is really nothing I could do there.”

“You will get to in time.” He lor'kina indicated that it would be quite a long time though. She leant forwards a little. “And your time here surely won't be wasted.”

“Oh, I will make certain of that.” I would have so much time on my hands, I was certain to die a long slow death of polite conversation, highlighted with visiting stuff. I had made my way slowly through the first storey of the Usik toat'on'ek and had finished the Mitth and Nuruodo permanent exhibitions. If I ever ran out of invitations to private performances, I still had eighty-nine storeys of art before me.

In my darker hours I wondered if I would ever even get to see my husband again if he returned. All this art would be more than exciting and he'd probably just camp out in the Arts Tower.

“Don't worry,” Storm tried to soothe me. “Those times are over. And he found out first hand that camping is actually forbidden in the Tower.”

I was not sure if he was joking or not. “Will you do me a favour?” I asked changing the topic.

“If you do one for me.” He was being sarcastic and leery at the same time. “What is it you want?”

I did not give my usual 'half a pig on toast' reply, not only because nobody here apart from me knew what a pig actually was. Or toast. “I would like to visit a private exhibition and can't get an invitation on my own. I can only go as somebody's plus one.”

“And you thought of me immediately?”

“Of course. Who else would I think of? You're the only thing I ever think of.”

“I know. So who do you want to annoy with your highly alien presence?”

He knew me too well. But that was my fault for telling him so much. “Prard'ere'nardak, he has an exhibition about the true interpretation of the Chiss heritage right now and I'd really like to know what the true heritage is. I mean, I an only learn from it, right?”

“And what makes you think that I off all people can gain you access to this exhibition?”

“That you know everybody on the planet and can get invited to anything should you want to.”

“And who told you that?” His shocked surprise was faked beautifully.

“A little bird told me so,” I replied. “And I could see its true colours, so I believed it.”

“Frelling birds, traitorous eels, all of them. Also achieved liars, you should know.” He leant forwards consiprationally.

“Just tell me if you can't or won't,” I said. “I'll find other ways to amuse myself.”

“And how would you go about that, I wonder.” He raised a questioning brow.

"The way I always do," I replied. "And you know how that usually ends."

"If that is supposed to be a threat-"

"Not at all," I smiled. "It is a promise."

"Then promise also that we will wait until the Ne'weëran'ok has left for Copero."

Since he was serious, I agreed. Maybe my blunders would be easier to excuse and/or explain with the guiding hand of the family gone. Or Storm planned to get the exhibition suddenly cancelled. Not that I believed he'd do something like that. Much.

Later I graciously accepted Threll's regret that he couldn't attend the reception due to being stuck in outer space with much less charming company. After all I had expected that.

"Still, I appreciate the offer," he assured me, "and I will certainly come to the farewell of the So'weëra'nok in jet'yeo'bera*."

The ninth month seemed ages away. Still I shrugged. The rippling motion flew over my fingers quite easily by now. "I would have been nice to actually see somebody invited by me specifically. There's not many candidates for that."

"You know many people," he encouraged me. "You could host an event of your own quite easily by now."

"But do I actually want to see those people?"

"Lanna, you need to think of it differently," he sighed. "You have to foster all your contacts, build a network, use them."

He seemed so young suddenly and very, very Chiss. He didn't believe I knew what I was doing because I was not following the Chiss expectations. I let the equivalent of a lopsided grin wander over my lor'kina "Do I really have to?"

"Yes!" His tone became vehement. "If you want to get anywhere in the Ascendancy, yes Lanna, you have to. Wanting to meet people is the smallest reason for social interaction on Csilla. You need to see it more as your weapon of choice."

I thought of my almost ceremonial dagger which I definitely preferred as a weapon, or the blasters with their damned pearl inlay. Actually, socialising ranked even behind the accursed lightsaber as a weapon of choice. Not that I had a choice. But he was sweet for thinking I thought I did. "I'll work on it," I promised.

Naturally, I didn't start with that immediately. Instead I chased Sarah around the garden. She hadn't decided whether she preferred walking or crawling yet. A ball was supposed to make that decision easier for her but was obviously too tasty. I dislodged my daughter's teeth from the toy. "This is not food," I told her.

"Food!" Her hands reached for the ball.

"Not food." I repeated and made sure she didn't put it right back into her mouth.

"Food" She insisted."

"Well, then hunt it down." I rolled the ball away with a resigned sigh. It was not as if I could talk. I had been eating my kindergarten schoolbag in my day. It had been real leather and real tasty.

Sarah was moving worryingly close to the pond. I needed to teach her to swim. Somewhere there had to be indoor pools in this place.

"Mama, food!" The ball began its erratic way towards me and I made sure it reached me.

"I am not going to eat this." I rolled it back. "Catch!"As I watched Sarah battle the ball, I decided that taking the long and cautious way round to un-exiling Thrawn would definitely be worth it.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *jet'yeo'bera, Ninth month of the Chiss year - Month of Harvest


	40. Chapter 39

"So you will keep the plain blue?" Thkela asked.

I nodded. "I see no reason to change it." I could have meaningless patterns on my robes, but what would I win with that? I might as well stick out as the sore thumb I was.

"It is fitting in well with the rest of your actions."

I was not sure if that held a reprimand or not. We were walking along the stream that would finally turn into the waterfall. The air smelled of things that grow. Birds twittered now and then and made me forget, mostly, that there was no real sunshine streaming through the leaves and no blue sky above. I didn't look up.

"Good," I finally said. "I like to be consistent."

"That is still being disputed." She stopped to watch the waterfall for a while before moving on. "It seems, you do not know what you want."

"Oh dear. In that case I need to work on my image. I know very well what I want." I cast my eyes down as we left the tiny patch of wood. "Sometimes I still have problems anticipating how my moves will be interpreted."

"You are doing well enough," Thkela assured me. "Your intelligence is doubted now and then, but the real question is you alleged secret agenda. People start to think you don't have it."

"Good." I didn't know what else to say. "It would be better for my secret agenda, should I have one, that people think it didn't exist."

"They will." I wished I was as certain as her.

"I need to teach Sarah how to swim," I changed the topic as the pond came into view. "She loves to race around the motha and I fear she'll fall into the pond sooner or later."

The silence before her answer let me know that Thkela accepted the change of topic, even if she was not happy about it. "You can always visit the pools in the sports centre. The hot springs are likely not big enough."

Hot springs? This place had hot springs and nobody had considered it necessary to tell me for about a year? "I would prefer for her to be able to swim before letting her into body kind of water." I kept my emotions under control.

"That would be better." She looked me over. "At least she won't attract much attention there."

Thkela didn't explain and I was too miffed about the springs in general to ask. Research let me know that the hot springs were not in one of the outer domes but drop dead in the middle of Csaplar. The sports centre had actually been built over them.

"Of course they are right in the middle," Storm said amused. "We didn't put our cities just anywhere when the ice came. The springs are a great source of warmth and energy. They make the upkeep of Csaplar a lot easier."

"Well." It did sound logical.

"We planned the layout pretty meticulously," he made it sound as if he'd been actually involved. "Cities like Ac'siel, Te'reba or Ke'lua were not just dropped anywhere on the surface."

"Understood," I tried to keep him from lecturing me on the preparation Chiss put into anything they set out to do. "I'll look into the pre-diaspora planning, I promise. I'll have a lot of time on my hands in a few days."

"If you think that, you are more naive than I expected. You will be kept very busy once word gets around you are unprotected." He considered that for a moment. "You need to plan for more of your time."

"You can take me more places," I suggested immediately. "Though I am not sure I can afford to owe you a favour each time."

"I'll think of something else if necessary," he assured me.

"That sounded better inside of your head, didn't it?" I flashed him a grin.

"In your dreams." He brushed it off with the Chiss equivalent of rolling his eyes.

"And I do have a lot of my time planned for," I said. "You just don't know that because it doesn't involve you getting me into places. I can do that on my own. Mostly."

"I am glad to hear that you don't intend to make a spectacle of you at any right-wing event you can find. I was beginning to worry."

"There is nothing to worry," I promised. "The exhibition of Prard'ere'nardak is pretty much all I have planned in that respect for now."

"Are you sure of that?" He didn't seem convinced.

"Yes. Why do you ask?"

"I was wondering when you'd ask me to get you into the exhibition of Sabosen'ale'kerg." His shoulders dropped for a moment. "I am relieved you are not going to."

"Oh no," I said in mock horror. "Do you mean 'Downfall'? Is it even more scandalising? How could I have missed that? How will that reflect on me?"

Storm gave me a long hard stare. "You are not stupid," he said finally.

"No," I almost grinned. "But even you tend to believe that by default. And that, my friend, is very, very good."

"I think I will begin to fear for the Ascendancy."

"Do that. And while you're at it, fear for yourself." I let the question curl his fingers completely before deigning to answer it. "Because I will take advantage of even your preconceptions if you let me; with pleasure."

"If I let it happen after this warning, I deserve nothing else."

I agreed with him there.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	41. Chapter 40

There was nothing like mingling with a house full of Chiss to bring you back to reality. The amount of ātae* I heard was uncountable. There were even a few ᾱtakik* among the pronouns. I would have to expect the insult for non-persons in an official setting. My life was nice and cosy, but I really didn't mingle with hostile crowds a lot, or even neutral crowds. And this was probably neutral but bordering on benevolent.

What had I done to deserve this? Oh, wait. I remembered.  That had been trying to save the galaxy. And in lieu of that the Republic. It definitely had had nothing to do at all with claiming the GFFA's most desirable Grand Admiral for myself. Also it had been very clearly him who had done the claiming. Yeah, I'd stick with that.

Thankfully, Sarah was still ignorant of the pronouns used on her; they were kinder than those for me anyway. And I would make sure that the word 'half-blood' was a positive one in her mind. There had to be stories where only the child of two worlds could save the day. If not, I'd make them up. I could do that.

Meanwhile Storm had stooped to hold my smurf in public. He seemed to miss having small children and Sarah, well, yeah. Thirba was  not around enough to be a substitute; not that I wanted him to. And there was always Rukh. But yeah.

I was doing my best to teach her to call Storm uncle, but dar'enoet was obviously too unwieldy. As an excuse, I was encountering unusual difficulties explaining the concept of dad, papa, dara to my daughter. I hoped that more words and differentiated communication would solve the problem one day. Until then I drew the line at her calling anybody father in endearing ways.

"You can't keep her, you know?" I held out my arms.

"Says who?" Storm wanted to know.

"Says I."

"With which authority?" he asked, looking up and down my plain blue. "I could just kidnap her."

"House Mitth will never let you get away with it." I had no problem prying my willing daughter from his hands. "But you can always come to visit." It was difficult to smirk the Chiss way with a child on my hips, but I managed okay.

"Nice try." Despite brushing this off with the exasperation gesture, his eyes had flashed. "How is your exhibition coming along?"

The reason I hadn't whack him up the head with the nearest thing was that the nearest thing had been Sarah. "I'll get you, my pretty and your little-, oh, frag cultural references!"

Storm had not been the least contrite so I had robbed him of Sarah's presence even if that robbed me of his. There had been more people at the reception and I had to show my daughter to all of them. That had been hard work. After so many conversations and strange blue people trying to befriend her in alien ways she had become queasy and then outright unhappy.

I had excused us and made a point of being extra nice to my over-wrought smurf. Rukh appeared out of nowhere in silence, his mere presence doing wonders for her state of mind. Maybe letting her spend more time with Storm wasn't an all bad idea.

I watched her sleep for a while none too keen to get back to the reception. Even the prospect of hearing Storm play the kal'yenok'tar was more melancholy than uplifting. I wandered back to the study, wanting to find out if my eyes had played a trick on me earlier or not. But when I reached for the drawer, Rukh batted my hand away, gently but determined.

"Work first," he declared.

He was, of course, right whether I liked it or not. Casting a doleful glance in his direction had the same effect as kicking a mountain.

"It will be fun. You will enjoy yourself." It was clearly an order.

"How is blending in working out for you?" I asked, realising the stupidity of the question in the same moment. Rukh was not wearing the expected orange of a bodyguard at all.

"Very well," he let me know. "As I would have been the only bodyguard at the reception, it was decided that I should go in the livery of the House instead."

The cut marking him as a servant was flattering on his wiry frame. With all the red and grey around, he would be all but invisible if he wished. I hoped we could keep up this disguise for other events.

"I would guess that I am doing even better than you are."

Ouch. But he was probably right. I was standing out like a sore thumb and though it was necessary, it was not really pleasant. "Excellent," I grinned. "All eyes on me."

Rukh smiled one of his nightmare smiles in return.

"Well then, on y-va, pame, allons-y." I decided that there was no word in any language that would motivate me, so I stopped after those.

"You have been missed." Thkela took my elbow and steered me away when I had barely made five steps. How had she known when to find me?

"By whom?" I asked out loud as she pulled me towards the stairs. The choice was not very big, though.

"Everybody who had expected to hear Kres'tor'manad play tonight."

"He waited for my return?" I didn't believe it. That old grouch.

"No." She shattered my happy bubble immediately. "But he has been procrastinating obviously."

I couldn't quite tell the difference, but what else was new? Maybe procrastinating simply meant that he was obviously waiting for something but not everybody had yet figured out what that was.

To me personally, it didn't look as if Storm was waiting for anything. He was deep in conversation with a group of younger Chiss. The only sign that might have indicated a certain impatience was that his hip was turned away from those he conversed with. But it was not clear if that came from what they were telling him or a general desire on his side to do something else. Additionally, he was holding an empty glass close to his chest, which could be reason enough to leave. Or excuse enough. All those nuances were still driving me mad.

Thkela did not even look in his direction as she steered me through the crowds. Instead she introduced me to an old friend of hers who had only just retuned from an extended stay on her home planet. Nuruodo'ffr'alkat was as respect-inducing as Thkela in every way. I was a little sorry for anybody who had crossed their path and disagreed with them. They were formidable. I was not even sure why Thkela thought it necessary to introduce me.

But since we were introduced, I made polite conversation. It was easy since Offra was actually interested in where I came from. It was difficult for the very same reason. I wondered how long I would manage to pretend Earth was actually a planet that existed.

"No space travel." Her opinion of my people sunk to even lower depths. "How did you manage to get off the planet?"

"There are enough space faring people around, Nuruodo'ffr'alkat," I explained. "It was inevitable that sooner or later one of them would discover us. After that, inventing space travel was not necessary any more, we just appropriated it."

That did nothing to improve the reputation of the Terrans. Bargaining for space travel was probably even worse than not inventing it. The fact that we hadn't stopped quarrelling amongst ourselves was another reason to disregard us. Not that I could disagree. We did have an amazing history of kicking each other's shins.

I was saved from explaining how I had ended up not only on an interplanetary military but actually at its top by Thekela's return. "All ready," she let us know. “There is talk that he is doing a fourhander with Kres'orm'eret."

By Offra's reaction I guessed that was a good thing. I followed them inconspicuously. After a few steps I had the feeling they had forgotten all about me anyway. Lost in their own world of best friends. For a second I succeeded in not thinking about my best friend. It seemed ages since I had last seen her.

I stopped myself right there. If I went through with this, I'd be a puddle of tears even before Storm had hit the first key. I found a place at the rear of the compartment and though I knew people were watching guardedly, I tried not to care. What did I have to lose apart from everything?

Oh great, here I went again. My head raced to find reasons why openly breaking into tears would help my cause, but came up dry. Good. The plan, if you could plan for things like this, was to be an image of barely contained emotion. It would show progress of sorts but confirm the suspicion that I was unable to hide strong feelings.

Not that I had to pretend anything. I was not even really listening since I was much too busy keeping together. The music was fortunately not like things I remembered from earth, discordant but alive. If I had known twelve tone technique*, I could have likened the two, but I had never gotten around to that back home.

It was at the same time amazing and strange, the sounds drifting through the air independently and still clearly belonging together. It was a little like the inside of my head where all kinds of thoughts and emotions jumbled and didn't even ask whether I thought this mixture feasible or not.

Despite feeling as disjointed as the music, I managed to get lost in my own thoughts and not even notice I wasn’t thinking much anymore. It was nice, like being almost asleep but suspecting you were still awake.

And this is the reasons I didn’t update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * ātae – you for a person of a different family and lower status  
> * ᾱtakik – you for somebody of lower status as an insult  
> * For a nice example try [Will Fielding’s 12 Serialism Piece](https://youtu.be/jn7Ud_8-xk8)


	42. Chapter 41

"Still lost in thought?" A blue face appeared as I focussed my eyes. "They stopped playing quite a while ago."

"I am afraid so." I overplayed my embarrassment which gave me some time to flicker through some lor'kina while actually fishing for her name. "I am not sure what it is about the kal'yenok'tar that gets me every time, Yal'ase'ntreo."

"We all have our weaknesses." From her tone I deduced that I was having more of them than was appropriate but that that was only to be expected. "I take it you didn't have anything like it where you're from?"

You had to love the Chiss superiority complex. No wonder they didn't like to get out much, their little bubble would be so horribly, horribly shattered. For a moment I was tempted to play her. But it would gain me nothing but animosity when it came out and I had no use for that.

"Yes and no," I replied instead and launched into a comparison of the kal'yenok'tar with a grand piano. After only a few sentences, Lasen was getting bored already. In the last year I had spent a lot of time boring Chiss. Bored Chiss changed the topic and I could learn how to do that in all shades of politeness. Not that I needed it yet.

But bored Chiss sometimes chose topics that were on their mind but not actually appropriate. That might be because of my status, theirs or the fact that the topic was not for public gathering. There was always something useful in any of those.

"You must have valued you home very highly," Lasen interrupted me. "Why did you ever leave it?" She managed to hint at her conviction that everybody would have been better off if I had stayed. One of the less pretty side effects of boring a Chiss. They became snide.

"Because I value something else more highly," I replied still polite as can be. I even managed to indicate something obviously hidden in the meaning of my words.

Lasen got it and understood that I was not clever enough to realise I didn't have to express that. I was obviously as thick as my reputation would have it. There was some doubt in her still. It was difficult, especially for those who had known Thrawn personally, which she fortunately hadn't, to reconcile my stupidity with his interest in me. But give me time, give me time.

Before I could sink any further in her esteem, somebody tugged at my elbow.

"Your presence is required," Rukh saved me growling something else under his breath.

I nodded and made my excuses to Lasen.

"What is this important?" She wanted to know.

"If you have to know, Yal'ase'ntreo, my daughter is having nightmares." I indicated a polite farewell.

She let me go without regrets, that much was certain. But then, I was such a boring person and not even valuing my presence at the reception enough to stay.

That was not quite true. I knew very well how precarious my status still was overall. And my presence at the reception was but a sign of how the Family hoped I would develop. That they left Csilla without me was a clear sign that in their eyes I was not really up to standard yet.

I waited with heaving a deep sigh until the door to the study had closed behind us. Sarah was actually standing in the middle of the room, cradling her favourite plushie (a magenta unicorn/manticore crossover) tightly. I swept her up in a similarly tight embrace.

"What is it, luv? What happened?" I listened attentively to the not-so-coherent explanation of her nightmares as I carried her back to her room. It took some time until she was ready to leave my arm and get back into her bed. Not that I blamed her. From what I had gathered there was a monster lurking behind it. A monster with big blade fingers and teeth like very big teeth.

Of course it helped that Rukh made a show of checking for monsters behind the bed. He even poked his lethal knife into the thin opening a few times. Of course she wouldn't hear about us leaving again. What if the monster returned? It was a valid question.

I didn't remember what my parents had done in such cases. Letting the kid sleep in your bed was an option, but currently my bed would be empty and not filled with motherly reassurance. I had no idea how to use psychology on her either. How did you make them believe there was no monster? Not to mention that many adults spend a lot of time trying to regain the conviction that things like monsters did actually exist.

I did the only thing I could think of, something I had tried to do to myself with questionable success despite my vivid imagination. Not having an actual Rukh around to protect me might have been another reason for my doubtful success.

"Rukh will stay with you," I promised Sarah. "If anything crawls out from under your bed, or anywhere, he will stab it dead. Is that okay?"

She looked at the Noghri, her eyes  still  wide with fear. Again I wondered  why she still had nightmares when Rukh was the solution  to them . Slowly she nodded and her sm a ll hand reached out.

Rukh took it with his wiry, grey one and settled down for a night's watch.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"You better be safe," he growled back softly. "Or else."

"Promise." I tucked Sarah back in smoothing down her hair and blankets already humming. Still it took a long time for her to finally fall asleep, her eyes snapping open every now and again to check that Rukh was indeed still there.

I returned to the reception only remembering that this would have been the perfect moment to steal a glance at the possible letter in my drawer when I had closed the door behind me again. I was indeed my own worst enemy.

But it was too late now. I had been spotted already and mingled as expected. Most visitors hadn't even noticed my absence. They assumed I had been somewhere else in the reception. Neat. I didn't consider it necessary to disabuse them of their notions. They didn't ask, I didn't answer, and everybody could choose who to blame in the end.

There was one exception to that rule. I should have known.

"Where is you shadow?" Storm asked.

"Chasing off and stabbing shadows himself," I replied and wondered how many other people had noticed Rukh and or his sudden absence. I also wondered if I had to explain myself more clearly. But this was Storm, he got it and his lor'kina let me know.

" And this is reason enough to leave the reception?"

"Do you have children?" I inquired needlessly. I knew he did. When he confirmed I went on. "How fast do they grow up, Kres'tor'manad? How long can I actually be there when they need me? How long, until they don't want you around anymore?"

"Too soon," he conceded the point.

"I agree," I let his concession slip into nothingness. "And this is why I will go now. It might be the last time, who knows?"

"Probably not quite the last time," he objected, " but I understand what you mean."

"You better. Have I missed anything of importance?"

And this is how I spent the rest of the night. Unfortunately, not all in his company or that of Thkela, but that was not the goal of the exercise. It was my job, I had no excuses.

After some more hours I realised how lucky I had actually been the last time. Nobody seemed inclined to leave ever. It rather felt as if more and more people arrived. The huge rooms became oppressively small, suffocating in people felt like a realistic option. If this was my reaction to society in great amounts, I might just as well give up.

I had to take a light-headed break on the balcony. The air was no cooler than usual, no breeze stirred it and the dark sky was unburdened by stars or clouds. It didn't help my state any. The garden was lit with subdued lights and I could see people wander its paths in the dim light. It looked rather like a Victorian novel from up here, apart from the costumes, of course.

The lights outside were already coming back on when the reception finally found an end for me. I understood why the actual departure of the family was planned for the late afternoon now. Chiss and their traditions, I wondered how long it'd take me to get used to them.

In passing, I grabbed the envelope from the drawer, realising that it was indeed not the one I had put in there. Still, I was too tired to try and read it. Instead I slipped it under my pillow. Then I stared at the bed for what seemed to be ages. How was I ever going to get up there to sleep? The image of me, clinging desperately to its side, trying not to slip off crossed my mind. I was too tired to giggle.

In the end I gave myself a push, metaphorically as well as literally, and hoisted my sluggish body onto the mattress. Maybe I should have undressed. I turned over and considered. Then I turned over again and reconsidered. Then I got up, dragged myself to my stash of tea and made an extra strong cup of konot tea.

How was it even time to wake Sarah already?

But it was. I cleaned myself up as best as I could, downed the tea and decided to make it through this. Just because I had to work night shifts, didn't mean I could stop being a mother. I really didn't think that was how it worked.

When I entered her room, I saw Rukh, still awake, still sitting beside her bed. I gestured a question at him and he returned a negative. No more incidents. Excellent. Still, Sarah was queasy, though she couldn't remember why and this made the morning routines difficult. I wished I hadn't dismissed the general help of the nursemaid so easily after Sarah had entered preschool. I wished for a good many things before we finally got out of the house.

On the way to preschool I wished for even more things. Usually, because Sarah was testing the routines, how fast did we go, where did we stop, how long did she get to pet the stone walrus, what if she walked so she didn't tread on the cracks between the stones; it seemed she had saved everything for this morning.

I was embarrassingly happy to leave her with Leesa. Another achievement was that, despite the strong desire to do so, I did not curl up just out of sight of the preschool to sleep. I made it back the whole way, slowly, on my last legs, and on my only ones, actually. I even managed to get up onto that impossibly and inconveniently high bed. I might have been asleep even before both feet touched the mattress.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	43. Chapter 42

I had fallen asleep with my clothes still on. I had fallen asleep face first and in the late morning. What would Thrawn say if he could see me now? Really, what would he say? Not that he should say anything, another part of me chimed in. After all I had exhausted myself in the valiant effort to accomplish his plans. Our plans. Plans.

_Still, no reason to fall asleep like this. He looks down and there is the usual mix of exasperation and indulgence on his face. Why is it that no other eyes glow like his? I don't know. I'm sorry for the state I'm in. But I guess it's okay._

_"You're my wife and I love you."_

_Hm, right. Never forget. Never surrender. Or was that never give up?_

I turned over and almost suffocated myself with my cushion. It was early afternoon. Six hours of sleep had to be completely sufficient. There had been times when I had to make do with less. Time to buckle up and, well have some tea. And breakfast if possible.

I found the rest of the family at the table already, having lunch instead of breakfast, but as long as I got tea, I was not picky about the food. I couldn't imagine how the huge house would feel once they were gone. Probably empty, but how would I know. It's not as if I actually heard anybody doing anything.

The farewell was an unceremonious affair, we'd meet again soon enough and it wasn't as if we were out of reach or anything."Send me a postcard," I told Thkela.

She seemed to consider the idea for a moment. "What purpose would that serve?"

Since I had no answer to that, I just shrugged. I had not really gotten the reason for doing this anyway. You just let people know you thought of them or knew they liked getting cards from far away places. Usually you were in contact long before that piece of paper arrived. I watched them leave. When had been the last time, I had not been the on leaving? I didn't know.

There was still some time before I had to collect Sarah again. I answered my calls, trained some with Rukh, answered more calls. Then I looked up mischief to visit while the Ne'weëran'ok was away. I racked my brain for a fourth piece to go into my Five of Four. Then I remembered that I had some mail waiting to be read.

The envelope was thicker than the last one, certainly more than one sheet of paper in it. What would it say? How would I take it? Did I really want to know? Actually, I did. But I did know into what mood it would put me. So it would have to wait until Sarah was in bed. Well, at least my rationalisation skills were still working perfectly.

When Sarah noticed the absence of everybody else at dinner, it took a lot of explaining.

"Why?"

It was the question she kept coming back to. Why? Why had they left us behind? Why were we not with our family. Why could I not tell her that it was _her_ family, not mine. Why had they gone? When would they be back.

Thank heaven I had an answer at least for that one. Though I could not know what 'three weeks' meant to her. It was definitely a very long time. Too long. I did not disagree.

"Dardar, too?"

"No, dardar is still here. We can call him when you have eaten up." I pointed at her plate.

Her eyes followed my fingers and she pouted. "Greens."

"You asked for them." I kept pointing.

"Don't want."

"A bit too late now," I insisted. "And you did want them ten minutes ago. Maybe you'll want them again in ten minutes? I say we wait and see."

Her pout grew and she pushed her plate away. "Dardar now."

"Sorry luv. I have not finished eating. And maybe dardar is eating still, too. I do not want to interrupt him."

Her brow crinkled in extreme concentration as she worked out if she cared or not. "Dardar eat greens?"

I looked at her vegetables. "Those? Yes, he would. Storm does like es'bito. But no," I went on before she could get in a word, "you cannot save them up for him."

Sarah did not look convinced. I kept eating and after a while she pulled back her plate, playing more with her vegetables than actually eating them. That was fine by me and I finished my dinner in peace.

After that we called on Storm. Fortunately, he was at home. I had no idea how I could have assured Sarah that he was not gone if he hadn’t answered the call.

"Good evening, Storm. I hope we're not interrupting anything. But I had to show Sarah you didn't leave with the rest of the family." I adjusted my grip on Sarah who squirmed on my hip, trying to touch the screen.

"Dardar!"

"Why would I ever do that," he said looking at Sarah. "I am still here, Sarah and I am not going anywhere. Without telling you in advance," he added in my direction.

"That's what I told her, but you are more credible than me."

"Dardar edible," Sarah echoed.

I did my best not to burst into laughter. "Yes luv," I agreed when I had my voice back under control. "You will forgive if I don't put that to the test?" I asked Storm.

There was still a glint in his eyes. "Completely forgiven."

"Now that you know he is still here, do you want to play inside or outside?" I looked at the smurf in my arms.

"Outside," she decreed. "With Rukh. Catch!"

She squirmed until I put her down and waddled off to find her appointed playmate.

"That easily am I replaced by a little grey gnome," Storm said with fake hurt.

"If it helps any," I said, "so am I."

"Does it hurt?"

"Sometimes." I smiled. "But she knows, I'm her mama and nothing else will do. And what was that about you leaving?"

"Nothing as yet," he replied. "I have a cabin on Noris where I spend some time each year to relax. Nothing much, a couple of rooms mostly made from logs."

My head went ahead and put him into fishing gear complete with a silly hat. Then it reconsidered, chose plaid on flannel, rubber boots, a straw hat and a blade of grass sticking from his mouth. The yokel look really did suit him. Not.

"What is so funny about that?" He wanted to know.

"Nothing you wouldn't need my cultural background to understand," I evaded the answer.

"You need to work harder on adopting ours," he chided.

"About that," I sent him a file. "My list of things to do while the Ne'weëran'ok is gone. And," I couldn't help but look smug, "you may expect to visit me in the coming weeks."

He raised a brow. "You have finished?"

"Not quite yet," I admitted, "but it is all planned out. Give me a few weeks."

"I gladly will," he said. "Preferably four, at least."

"Agreed. Because we can't give the impression that I am trying to lure you into my den with flimsy excuses while the watching eyes of the family are turned elsewhere. Heaven knows what I might do with you."

"A minute description of that will go on in the heads of less exalted Chiss, and probably some who should know better. Maybe you are not that bad at assessing Chiss after all."

"People are people," I did not all 'no matter how small' because that would have been more than useless. "No matter their colour," I added instead. "Or shape. Or species. More often than not."

We said our goodbyes and I followed my daughter into the garden. She was chasing Rukh across the lawn. Whenever she caught him, he'd crumble into an unlikely shaped heap and she's climb over him. If he was dissatisfied with her effort, she'd be tickled mercilessly. Her squeals were quite unmistakable. Then she ran off and he chased her. When caught her, she stood stock still with her arms raised. The Noghri would take them, swing her over his head in heaven knows how. She would land on her feet and the chase began anew. I joined the fray with a roar.

Sarah took the opportunity to change the rules. "Fly!" She demanded, "I fly!"

After exchanging glances with Rukh, I took her hands ans swung her around in a wide circle. A the right moment, I let go of her and she sailed right into the waiting grip of Rukh. I had no idea how he did it, but he caught her each time.

He put her down and she ran back to me making noises connected to flying. Obviously that sounded like a stuttering duck step-dancing on a hamster. I picked her up and threw her into Rukh's direction again. My arms tired long before my daughter.

When I had put Sarah to bed, there was no excuse left not to open the letter. It was still where I had left it, a little worse for having been slept on. I smoothed out the crinkles and looked at it for a while. Letters, how very old-fashioned. I didn't own a letter opener, I realised. Well, I had never used them anyway. Using my less then suitable, podgy finger instead, I tore the envelope open.

There were indeed several sheets of paper inside. I realised that I had never seen Thrawn's hand-writing. It was certainly not a reason to be so unreasonably excited. I opened the pages with shaking hands.

_Dear Mellanna,_

Oh dear, that was really all it took. I let my hands sink and breathed regularly. I was such a wimp and so easy to impress. Still...

_She looks gorgeous. I am sure-_

It took a very long time to read that very long letter because for most of the time my sight way very blurry. At the end, I didn't even mind that it had mostly been an account of the political going-ons.

_I have included an image that is now used widely for merchandise throughout the Empire. I have my suspicions who started this and consider asking for royalties on the idea._

_Yours,_

_Thrawn_

I took some time to imagine Thrawn as actually mine. It was rather nice. A bit out there at the moment, but nice. Then I unfolded the included image. I was ready to kill Karrde the very next moment. Three people were depicted, one of them was me and I was sure I would have remembered this image being taken. I was wearing the blue dress, standing beside my Admiralship who was in full dress and holding a blue baby on my arm between us.

The similarity to Sarah was frightening. I was not sure if I could prosecute my absentee husband for more than likely sharing the painting of our daughter with the galaxy in general. There was a blue hand resting on my white shoulder and I was smiling. His Admiralship was of course not stooping to that, but he did look rather satisfied with everything.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I went to bed instead.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	44. Chapter 43

The anero was empty without the rest of the family around. Their absence was noticeable not only the meals, but seemed to echo through the social rooms. It felt strange that there should be nothing going on in them for days in a row. No private dinner, no recital, no gathering of future allies. It was as if the thundering of the engines that ran through the _Chimaera_ had suddenly stopped and left the ship floating aimlessly through space.

Of course I didn't float aimlessly. I had no time for that and anyway, I had Sarah and Rukh to keep me on track. Not to mention Storm who had gotten my tactics and was an asset at letting me know how to be just a tad off the expected. Instead of going to all the right events, I was going to the alternative a bumbling idiot would choose. By now mostly without him, too.

What was even stranger than his wordless compliance was the fact that it was working. People actually started inviting me to events that were not quite the ones I would want to attend and I happily obliged. They showed me up as I showed up and gave me all the information I expected, sometimes even more. I hadn't expected people to be so gullible. I mean, really. They were Chiss!

"They take you for a fool because that is what they believe foreigners to be. And you make it easy for them," Storm was smiling as he sent me another summary. He had taken up, or maybe had always been, going to the really interesting receptions, watching the actually radical elements and letting me know about the developments. He was worth his weight in gold.

"No." He handed me another set of gloves, light blue with a slightly darker pattern. "Try this."

"I don't see why I even _need_ gloves," I protested.

"Style," was his curt answer. "And what you can say with it. That's almost it. Let me have a look around."

And he left me gaping at his black-and-brass back. Of course he was not in his official colours, but the winding patterns on his black tunic were implication enough of his rank and House. I put down the gloves on a surprisingly high stack of very similar ones and followed him, still not sure why I actually needed gloves to attend an exhibition.

Admittedly, Prard'ere'nardak seemed to be a person I wouldn't want to touch without gloves, but then I didn't think I'd want to touch him with gloves either.

"The fact that you hide your hands shows how ashamed you are of your alien heritage." Storm handed me several sets of gloves. "If you could use some blue eye shade and-"

"No." This is where I put my foot down. "No eye shade, no make-up." That was final. I was horribly bad at making myself up. Not that anybody here would actually notice, but once I had seen what professionals could make out of me and some sci-fi air brush I had sworn never to use any make-up myself again. It had not been difficult seeing how I hadn't owned any and my Admiralship hadn’t thought it necessary to buy me any.

No, I had not asked him. I was not suicidal. And he hadn't gotten the idea by himself. So either he thought there was nothing that would help anyway which was likely or he thought that nothing needed to be done about my face. I liked this theory, but it became valid only after some drinks. A lot of drinks. Too many drinks. Chiss didn't even serve drinks.

I put on and peeled off the gloves systematically, keeping an eye on Storm's reactions. He picked up my hand at one point, turning it this way and that, before shaking his head still and moving on. Why was there even a glove shop of several storeys? Who had thought that necessary?

"And anyway, I am not ashamed of my heritage," I half called after him. "I am aware of the Chiss' caution towards strangers and am trying to make my appearance as easy on them as possible."

"One and the same thing." He handed me another pair of gloves and I accepted them automatically.

Instead of bristling I put the gloves on. Looking down at my hands my first thought was 'not quite skin.' When I looked up again, Storm nodded at me. So that was that.

It did feel odd to wear gloves inside. I had only ever done so on rare occasions in Imperial context. I was not sure if I wanted those memories appropriated or compromised. Not by Prard'ere'nardak anyway. He was a prick. It was an unlikely description of a Chiss but nevertheless true. Prard'ere'nardak was a prick.

He did not even say a word of greeting to me, didn't take me into account in his lor'kina and let Storm know in no uncertain gestures that he had expected better of him. Naturally, those gestures were still very polite. Whatever Storm said he was or wasn't, everybody else had their own opinion and that was consistent.

It was probably the only point where I could take Deren seriously. He might have swaggered about Chiss heritage for days and I wouldn't have taken a word of it seriously. That he was going on about the 'True' Chiss' Heritage' with no clear indication to which of those words the inverted commas were to be applied to, didn't improve things any.

Also the paintings were crap. I could do that. I might have done that and thrown it away. Most of the paintings were arty or campy or whatever that was called. For Germany it would have been like exhibiting a collection of belling deer and people working happily on farms in all shades of brown. It was all very uninspired.

Of course that only showed how I had no clue about what True Chiss Heritage™ was. My status as barbarian outsider was cemented by the way I tried to make sense from the paintings. Maybe I should have told them that I was trying to find out if the noble early Chiss had worn something under the pretty short skirts that showed of their muscular legs so nicely.

I did not however ask directly if Deren considered his concrete style rebellious as well. He had it written all over himself. He was so over abstract art and the rest of society better catch up. I felt a certain amount of pity for him, when I was not busy considering him a prick.

Storm was going around apologising for my presence. I went around and made a fool of myself by talking to people. I could tell pretty well who really didn't want to talk to me and who mostly pretended because of the circumstances. Of course I chose members of the first group to introduce myself.

After only an hour Storm had to remove me physically with a very bad excuse that even I should have seen through. But I didn't. I apologised profusely to Deren and everybody who had the bad fortune to cross paths with us on our way out.

"Damn you woman," Strom said as soon as we were out of the Prard District. "You almost blew our cover!"

I got the feeling he would have turned and gesticulated, had we not been in public. "I didn't do anything," I protested.

He snorted and didn't say a word until his doors had closed behind us. "You cannot wind fundamentalist Chiss up like that! Not where I can see it and am not allowed to laugh!" He took a deep breath and shook his head. Then he broke out into laughter.

Not quite sure what to make of that, I didn't do anything until he had calmed down again. That took some time as he seemed to tick off a list of events in his mind.

"I did behave," I told him then. "I was that close to inquiring why they did not grow their own hair to the impressive length of that of their idols. I really would love to see that."

"You would. And then you would compliment them in a way that exceeds any insult. And I would love to see that." He sighed. "Alas, it will never come to pass. Prard'ere'nardak has let me know how impossible it was of me not to avert your coming. He has more or less un-invited me for the near future."

"He'll reconsider," I assured Strom.

"I am afraid, he will. But anyway," Storm became serious, "did you accomplish what you wanted? Can we stay clear of events like that for a while?"

"We can," I promised. I did not tell him that, naturally, _I_ would not. I had a reputation to lose and wanted to be over with it already. I also had only three weeks to establish that I needed watching. And half of that time was over.

"Where are, where are?" Sarah insisted. Or just "When?"

That was the signal each evening just before bed to go to the big calendar I had drawn for her. Each day the others were gone was a glaring white square. At the end of all the squares the faces of Thkela, Thorra, Thirba, Thiffa and Thikoa were glued to the canvas in all their blue splendour. Each evening, just before bed, Sarah would get a brush and a colour of her choice. Each evening, just before bed time, she blotted out another lonely day.

I had made little cut-outs of her, Rukh and me she could move onto the next uncoloured square. After two days she had clamoured for the addition of Storm who was obviously missing the family as much as we did. I didn't have the heart to tell her no.

This evening she chose red, Nuruodo red, infrared red. I watched her spread the paint liberally over mainly the intended square. Now and then I kept her from eating the brush or sucking on her red fingers. I wondered if she did see the difference. When she demanded more paint, I offered her our red.

"Mama!" Sarah shook her head wildly. "Red, mama, _red_!"

Alright, she did see it. "I am sorry, I did not pay attention." I gave her the right red. She plunged the brush into it and smothered the past day in the colour of slightly glowing blood. Though I was glad that she could see the difference, unthinkable had she inherited her mother's weakness!, it did bring back up the subject of me being able to see it as well.

I should not be able to. It was not humanly possible. It was by all means and under any circumstances and artificial addendum. When had that happened? Likely not when I had my eyes corrected, that would have been so much too soon. I mean, I hadn’t told anybody about my fangirly plans and ideas then, had I? Could I even be sure? I didn't remember a word of those interrogations.

And then I actually had gone blind when I had returned from rescuing Kyp. It had been just my hand because strill were just infective little critters but it had spread to my eyes. Or so I thought. Or so I had been told. I touched my eyes, remembering the white stuff growing out of my hand.

"Mama red eyes!" Sarah was delighted. I had smeared my face with the paint.

"Then mama bathe now." I helped her stick our images back on. "And Sarah bathe, too."

Still, the thought didn't leave me for the rest of the evening. I glared at the depiction of my husband standing besides good imitations of myself and Sarah. The thin paper was already wrinkled from all the handling.

"You wait until I get my hands on you again," I told him. I was not really sure what I'd do to him first though. I feel asleep trying to decide.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	45. Chapter 44

Threll was throwing fake fits.

"He's old enough to be your father," he let me know, "What are you thinking?"

"That he is also as useful as a father," I returned with a grin.

"You don't know what you are getting yourself into," he warned.

I was certain, he was right. But that was on another subject and not just about Storm. My apparent stupidity had calmed waves I had trouble finding the source of. That annoyed me a little, because I liked to know why people were kicking up a fuss. Or stopped kicking up a fuss in this case. There was a hornet's nest buried somewhere. I was not really sure why I was so intent on finding it, though.

"If it is anything bigger than I can handle, I will let you know," I assured Threll.

"That might be too much information." His face didn't show a hint of humour.

"All the more reason to tell you about it in detail," I insisted. "You might want to learn from it."

"You just wait until jet'yeo'ket, I'll teach you a lesson or two."

"If I let you." For a while we just let the banter run its course before we got back to the more serious topic of how the fleet felt about decisions made on Csilla and the possible future distribution of tasks in case, well, in case things happened that you were not supposed to expect.

"Some more campaigning of the Nuruodos and the Mitths will be hard put to defend their sole claim on newly discovered space. House Chaf is meddling briskly."

I pictured the Houses in their relative positions to each other. It was a little like gasha, just less difficult. "I think we want Nuruodo and Chaf to become a little closer," I said. "And I think, we should let both sides know it."

"They won't like it," Threll said.

"Indeed," I grinned.

"I like you," he said after a short moment of consideration.

The family was much less generous with confessions of affection. When they returned with a surprising lack of pomp, Storm and I had set up our game comfortably. Thkela and Thorra assessed my progress, shook their heads in unison and let me proceed. It was agreed that my approach was slow beyond imagination and still its success was doubtful as that of their idea if not more so. And if there was to be doubtful success, they'd rather have it on their terms. Still, those were unacceptable to me.

Though my smurf was doing her best to mimic Rukh and me in our training I didn't see much of a chance for her to actually defend herself against anything in the coming couple of years. She had a big plastic knife to play with and sometimes that hurt.

Of course I had tried not to betray any of that hurt in my letter back home. It had started with suggesting that Thrawn try to sue Karrde for royalties. I would pay money to see that. But being where I was, I would settle for a report on the outcome. In the end the letter was pretty much just a report on the political going-ons here. Names of people who were important, who were not, those who didn't talk to me, hadn't approached me and maybe should have.

Only after I had sealed the letter, I wondered if that would hurt my Admiralship or not. Friends long gone who didn't care any more. For a moment I considered just writing the thing again, but the length of it kept me from it. And some hurt, a spiteful little voice in my head said, it will not be so unfair after all. So I simply decided to be very nice in the next letter and hoped to remember it when the time came.

Well yes, there were parts of my personality I could improve on, but since 'he' wasn't here to notice any such improvements I'd postpone the effort; like so many others. Instead I commed Storm and told him, with no little amount of glee, that I had finished my first exhibition. "You can chose a time, within reason," I told him sternly, "to move your black-and-brass a-ppararel here."

"Do you have any idea how big a breach of social norms that is going to be?" he asked.

"Nope." I grinned. "But you are cordially invited to tell me all about it in excruciating detail when you visit."

"What did you call it," he changed the topic. That old gruff scunner.

"Homecoming." I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.

He raised the brow of scepticism. "Are you about to instigate another scandal, young woman?"

"I would never think about it," I replied ambiguously.

"We all know that thinking isn't one of your strong traits so that might be better."

"Painting isn't one of my strong traits either, still everybody encourages it."

"Because you are still better at painting than thinking," he informed me politely. "And it is generally believed that your paintings won't kill anybody."

"I shall prove everybody wrong in that respect should you fail to come up with an acceptable date for your visit." I indicated past promises with my lor'kina which was an achievement in subtlety. "You need to be more careful."

"I could call on the favour you owe me," he objected.

"You could, but you won't," I told him.

"Why not?"

"Because you can get much more out of that one later," I argued. "And we both know it. Also," I made an explanatory pause, "you cannot stand the idea of me in a scandal that does not involve you."

His lor'kina exploded with exasperation. "You don't know me."

"I don't have to," I interrupted him rather impolitely, "because I understand you perfectly."

"I still wonder how that happened," he admitted grudgingly.

"I will tell you all about that, in excruciating detail, when you come to visit."

Storm actually smiled. He also set an acceptable time and I didn't know what to do with myself for the rest of the day. He was right, we could cause a scandal, but we might just as well simply set a precedent, which was our aim.

My mind was running in mad circles, darting this way and that, considering any and all directions this might take, scrutinising all possibilities. I was going through an endless list of AUs of my life and only half of them were somewhat acceptable. The possibility of my failure loomed over everything like the sword of Damocles. And failure was not an option.

I wanted him back.

It was all I could think: I want him back. I want him back now. Of course the now-part was not going to happen. And the rest of this little prayer was all up to me, too. Had ever any bloody woman worked so hard for their prince? And mine didn't even have a white horse, not that I was complaining.

And I could be. Remembering all the things he did to me. Sneakily operating new features into me, making me kill people in person, in proxy, en masse. And look at me now, doing politics! If that was not a reason to complain, I didn't know what would be.

Still, I just wanted him back.

That white-and-blue bulk of bastard at my side or just on the other side of the comm or, if possible, at my back just before I fell asleep.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	46. Chapter 45

We did not cause an éclat, neither a minor nor a major one.

That was mostly the doing of Thkela who managed to arrange two visits of low-ranking Chiss before Storm made his entrance. Since low-ranking Chiss were a rare commodity in Csaplar, she got hold of visitors which made the whole thing doubly clever.

Mitth'ani'oka was a local politician in her community on Copero as well as a former captain in the CEDF. I had the lingering suspicion that she had been recruited specifically for this job not long ago. Of course, Thkela was too good at what she did to leave any proof. Thanio was visiting mainly because she wanted to know more about the aliens she had seen before.

As it was, she had met Deadies, yeah that was me, a Deadie because I had the colour of dead eyes. I was not sure if that was better or worse than 'Blue-skinned bastards' or 'blue-skinned blockheads.' It was definitely shorter. Anyway, she had seen them in her line of duty before.

"The station at Crustai was not a place where you could hide guests, even if you tried," she explained. "It was too close quarters. But I did not get to see much of them. They usually kept to themselves or the commander."

I could not blame them for either approach. Personally, I preferred the latter, but then I was deeply biased.

Thanio agreed on that account. "I did not think they were very intelligent," she went on. "So slow to speak and completely ignorant of any decorum and procedure."

I thought of Maris with her, even back then, unfitting idealisation of Thrawn; Qennto with his selfish smuggler attitude and Car'das in his youth. They did make an unlikely trio. And I had no personal experience of how Car'das had turned out. Though if Karrde was any indication, he had done just fine.

We talked about her experiences from that time and skilfully skirted the forbidden topic of my Admiralship. It was driving me nuts, really. Here was somebody who could tell me something about young Thrawn from a Chiss perspective and wouldn't. A strange mix of excitement and frustration ran through me when she left. Maybe with more contact the topic would move into appropriate territory.

The other visitor was Mitth'ten'ator, an actual resident of Csaplar. His job was keeping the ceilings up where they belonged. Not that he was playing Atlas himself, but he was supervising the work in the Mitth District. You didn't get any lower than that without being a commoner here.

He arrived to explain how the bubble system worked to me. I was all ears because it was definitely interesting to know how the Chiss kept the ice from crushing their cities. Not that I understood much. It was a good exercise in presenting half-knowledge as complete understanding.

Somehow wedges acted as ice breakers around the cities at ground level, splitting the moving ice before it reached the domes and then it was no problem to keep everything shiny. Also there was an elaborate system working out how much the ice grew downwards and how to adjust the overhead trains when melting the surplus off. I did not feel any safer after the conversation. And I couldn't help eyeing the sky for cracks.

Of course those two did not get to see the paintings. They also did not use the front entrance but arrived as my personal guests. Strom on the other hand got full guest-for-art status. That removed him somewhat from having a social connection with me which everybody knew by the anyway, though.

"Kres'tor'manad," I greeted him formally. "It is an honour t receive you on this occasion. I have no words."

"Undoubtedly." His manner was painfully polite.

"But I do have water to cool your anger and tea to unfreeze your mood." Offering something to eat would have been a bit over the top.

He flipped a tiny bit of invisible dirt from his tunic in response.

I lowered my head and for a while we just danced through half-mocking repartees in the lor'kina.

What I had not expected was that he actually looked at the paintings, in great detail. And he did not say a word while doing so. It was unsettling, I could not read him He really was a blue-skinned bastard of Thrawn-class.

When he was done, he accepted a cup of tea and a walk in the garden. "I would chose a day in the first week of jet'yeo'tea* for the reception."

Re-what? I didn't answer for so long that he felt compelled to go on.

"Now that I have inspected the exhibition it is time to officially let everybody else see it. You have considered the invitations, I assume."

Of course I had not. The paintings had been my way of finally getting Storm to visit me for a change. Not that there was anything wrong with his place and we usually met to visit things anyway. I had not thought about showing the paintings to anybody else at all. They were after all, indeed, personal. Maybe I should have asked Thkela about this first. But the idea to have her look at the pictures- oh dear. I was in such a mess.

"Who would I invite?" I asked.

"Everybody." We stood looking over the pond. "And keep a close eye on who accepts and who does not and who actually shows up. If you have more than fifty to invite, focus on other painters. This will show the focal point of the reception and allow you to filter without offending anybody."

Fifty? How in the world did anybody know fifty people? Admittedly, it was a small number compared to the guests Thorra and Thkela entertained t any given time, but still. I had to swallow twice. "I have no idea how to word the invitation," I said instead.

"Just what I feared." I could see the humour flash in his eyes. "You will have to ask an expert for help."

I nodded. "I think that will be best. And Thkela has invited people since before I was born. She will know what to do."

The Chiss snort equivalent was not quite clucking enough to hide the almost-burst of laughter. "You will be the death of this old man one day."

"I sure hope not." A quick touch of his sleeve emphasised my words.

"I know." He kept staring ahead as if he was seeing something I did not. "Let's hope life adheres to your wishes and not my fears."

I didn't know what to replay and shared the silence.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * jet’yeo’tea – Month of Star-Sprinkled Night, 3rd month of the Chiss year  
>   
>   
> The four paintings by Mellanna: Personal, Hope, Equals, Pain. The last is a realistic portrait of Sarah.  
> 


	47. Chapter 46

Storm had timed his visit excellently. What else had I expected? Since he had already been here, it was fine to be back only three days later for Sarah's name day. It was not an important name day and it was doubtful how well the Chiss years could be applied to Sarah anyway. Still it was a way to measure time. I had been on Csilla for a whole year now.

Or for fourteen months if you wanted to be a nitpicker. The Chiss years had seemed awfully long when I had thought about them, but this one had gone by very fast. I let my fingers run over the sculptures had I chosen a long time ago and wondered if it was time to exchange them for new ones from Thrawn's stock. It might be a nice custom.

But first, Sarah.

Her eyes lit up when she heard that Storm would come to visit her. "Dardar come!" she declared and did not tire of it. I had given up trying to teach her to call Storm dar'enoet as would have been proper. Once she was old enough to get the difference I hoped she'd change her mind. Yes, I was that good at fooling myself. Also 'Dardar' did not seem to mind.

I wrapped up some of the things I had brought from the Empire with me and felt culturally displaced again. Birthdays were not celebrated here in general. There were a few important hallmarks in Chiss development and they were generally recognised. Not always by a celebration per se. Choosing one's art was one and usually involved visiting a current event and presenting the child with good gear for the future work.

The fact that birthdays were an honoured tradition where I came from did not hold much weight. For the cake I used some chocolate from my private stash which was vanishing in big steps. It had held out for a year which showed my restraint, but it had been clear from the beginning that it wouldn't last forever. Drowning in a bout of self-pity, I ate the last chocolate-nut-raisin bar.

All in all it was not a bad day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened until Sarah was back from pre-school. Then the whole family, plus Storm, watched with interest as I broke out the cake and sang a birthday song which they thankfully didn't understand.

Sarah clapped her hands and began unwrapping her presents with untrained fingers. It took a while but was cute to watch.

"And you do this every year where you come from?" Storm wanted to know.

I nodded. "The size and kind of the party varies, but it is a special day each year." I didn't think it worth the time to explain how birthdays differed from name days.

"Is every year special to you?"

"Every year?" I gave that some thought. "No, not every year. Every day, every hour. It is all important to me, But time flies by so it is good to have a reminder every now and then." I watched Sarah unpack the not-quite-legos. "Do you ever look back at what you have achieved."

"Of course."

"I don't." Sarah had forgotten about the other presents for now as she plunged her hands into the building blocks, determined to recreate the Empire State Building on the spot. Another cultural reference lost on everybody but me.

If I had hoped Strom would take back the question his lor'kina was posing, I had been wrong. I might stare at my daughter until the cows came home, he would still be there. I dropped my shoulders for a split moment. "Does that surprise you?" I finally asked back instead of answering.

"A little," he made an explanatory pause, "maybe it shouldn't. You don't appear to be a very reflected person."

"For once, the appearance is not deceiving you here." I felt his gaze intent on me. He wouldn't be all wrong not to believe a word I said.

"Look, mama," Sarah shouted in my general direction and held up her newest construction. It might have been anything.

"Bantha cub," she declared proudly. "Not lost."

Yet, I thought. "It's beautiful," I let her know. "Will you also build its mother?"

She nodded vigorously and went back to the almost-legos. "And dardar. What dardar?" She waddled towards her uncle. "What dardar bring?"

I was about to distract her from that idea. Presents were strictly human, but Storm was faster. "What do you think?"

Sarah went through anything she could come up with, starting with the usual list of a pony, dog, pet selath and wahthaveyou. In the end she gave up, tugging at Storms hands impatiently.

"A surprise," he finally gave in and handed her a present that was shaped like a log sized like my lower arm. It didn't change its from any with unpacking. I was as confused as Sarah.

"What?" she held it up right under his nose.

"It is for swimming," Storm nudged her nose gently. "You want to swim, don't you?"

Considering the fact that she had really no idea what that was, Sarah's enthusiastic agreement was risky. "Mama swim, too?"

"Of course," I hugged her until she freed herself using the pool-noodle as leverage.

"I made appointments with the best swimming teacher for children her age," Storm let me know. "Of course they fit your schedule," he added before I could say a word.

"Thank you," I smiled. "That leaves only the actual swimming gear to be desired."

He looked at me for a moment. "If you want your own pool, I think the pond will have to go."

I leant backwards. Like, what? Pool? Pond? Pardon me? "No, I mean like," how to put this? "the things you wear when you swim."

He kept his eyes trained on me, the question obviously still not answered. "Wear where?"

"Into the water."

"Why would you wear anything into the water? It will only get wet." His incomprehension was genuine. Fuck my life.

"Oh, right. Stupid. My mistake." I looked back at Sarah who used the pool-noodle as an impromptu knife, imitating the kharath Rukh was teaching me clumsily. Was that even right?

"Do you mean to say," Storm said still mulling over the topic of swimming, "that where you come from, people go swimming dressed?"

This was actually a conversation I didn't want to have. But by know I knew Storm well enough to realise when his inter-cultural interest had been piqued. He would not let go. I lowered my head. "Sometimes. It all depends on," I hesitated, "the framing of the situation. Public nudity is generally not proper."

"You give it a fixed context to make it allowable," he went on. "Understandable. But why would you think it sensible to wear clothes just to get them wet?"

"I don't think rational thought has anything to do with it. We're still having lingering effects of religion." Religion, the last resort in any discussion. I was using it to explain so many things here. But it did shut up Storm this time.

"Will it make you uncomfortable?"

"I'd be uncomfortable in swimming clothes as well, so it doesn't matter," I decided.

"Why is that. You should be at home in those?"

Couldn't he just shut up and not mind not understanding something for a change? I took a deep breath. "Let's just say that beauty ideals I am unable to reach are deeply ingrained in my conscience."

He scrutinised me closely. "The hair could be longer," he finally decided.

The hair. The _hair_? By God the Almighty who mightn't get a say here, I was close to throttling the old man and actually be his death after all. On second thought, he might have a point. I tried to look at myself stealthily. Whatever beauty ideals I knew, I had never been so close. Not taking the height into consideration. And the stretch marks. And yes, the short hair. Oh, I was a hopeless case!

Not that the thought left my mind. Going to swim had seemed a great idea so far. Now I wasn’t sure any longer. But now it was too late. The swimming lessons glared at me from my schedule. It would be beyond unforgivable not to show up. And anyway, what had the 68ties been for?

To distract myself I did go into the cellars after Sarah was in bed, cuddling her new bantha cub that had finally arrived to complement the book. Rukh followed me silently. Keeping my parlours in mind as well as I could, I chose a couple of sculptures, but decided only to replace the nail-painting. Instead of that I chose a group of four smaller square paintings that were a riot of dark colours with a splatter of sliver over them.

"We need to rewire the doors," Rukh said as we began our way back. "There is a second exit close to the border of the compound. It will be good for emergencies."

"Then why rewire them?" My mind was not quite on the subject.

"It won't lock when somebody is down here, a safety measure. But it will be a weakness in case of pursuit."

I stopped and crouched down before the Noghri. "You are planning for an attack in our own home?" I asked incredulous.

"I plan for everything," he replied calmly. "That you do not, shows how indispensable I am."

"You are indispensable to me anyway," I said slowly. "I would be going mad if it wasn't for you." I thought of all he had done for me, was still doing for me and couldn't find the words. "Rukh-"

"I know," he interrupted me. "Still we need to get the door rewired to read locked when somebody is down here. And you need to learn the way to the back door." He walked around me.

Stunned, I followed a few heartbeats later. Where would I be if it wasn't for him? The question where he would be without me never even crossed my mind.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	48. Chapter 47

I set a date for the exhibition and sent out the invitations. Anything was better than lingering on Sarah's first swimming lesson. We had received beautiful matching towels to take along and, well, nothing. I was thinking of anything else so furiously that I even came up with a list of over fifty people to invite. I made a note to look at this achievement later, after the swimming lesson when I had my head free. Or so I hoped.

Not even Storm seemed to notice my renewed concentration. Of course I ended up writing the invitations under his supervision. The replies were more positive than expected and though there would be far less than fifty people attending, I was easily in double digits. A feat I had rarely achieved back home. What was I even doing with my life?

Whatever else I was doing with my life, going swimming was one of the things I did with it. And it was not as upsetting as I had expected. Mostly because I was the only one who seemed to be aware of the acute lack of any clothing. I was also so occupied with not letting my daughter drown that I couldn't concentrate on much else. After the lesson we sat huddled up in our respective towels drinking slushies of questionable flavour. It had been the easiest way to make her shut up about showing her uncle her progress.

Things I did not want to think about: that. It was bad enough amongst strangers, but – no. Just no. I couldn’t even think it. Damn, I was prude. I needed to work on that if I wanted to fit in. Not to mention visit the hot springs of Csaplar one day. Society was sure to put some twists and bends into you, but this was one I couldn't afford any more. Which brought me right back to wondering what I was doing with my life.

Concerting snacks and drinks, was another answer to that. This I did with Thkela because her taste and mine were closer than Storm's idea of a good meal and mine. Nothing against algae, really, but lichen was not on my list of favourite foods. I had tried, heaven knows I did, but I failed to develop a taste for that spectacularly.

"It has been a logical development once the ice began to cover Csilla." Storm had managed to drag me into yet another lichen restaurant. There was only one thing on the menu, albeit in many, many variations.

I wondered if I should try to explain how logical had nothing to do with tasty. It would be in vain, certainly, but conversational skills would be exerted. "It's woody, and chewy and tastes like," I had to fish for words that would survive the cultural transfer, "like something that has moulded on a stone for too long."

"You will give it a try."

"Don't I always?" I buried my face in the menu. The dish with bug legs sounded good because I already knew bug legs and could live with them, even when I had to eat them. Storm ordered a small deluge of other dishes, catering to all tastes. I was really very sorry when I still had to disappoint him after trying about all of them. It would have been easier if he could have retaliated on haggis or something. Great, I didn't even remember the German hate-dish any more. But I could not even approximate the cuisine of my past here. Not to mention that I had no idea how to make haggis.

Storm was is a state of continued exasperation but since he needed his hands to eat his lor'kina was mostly clean of that. I chewed bug legs and contemplated what I had done wrong in my life to end up here. The one question that returned no matter what progress I made.

So now swimming, and eventing.

"You have to find a way to keep it up until I have seen it," Threll demanded. "It is unthinkable that the old clump gets to see your art and I don't."

"I will find a way," I promised. Though probably not the way he expected. Thkela and I had decided that it would be better if I let the exhibition stand for an appropriate amount of time before taking it down. It was another point showing how my eagerness to stand on my own and gauge my clout was getting in my way of actually getting anywhere. Everybody would have seen my paintings had I only waited until the farewell reception of the So'weëran'ok.

"I might have to abduct you to my private parlour for that, though." I told Threll. There was no way the paintings would stay in any public place after the exhibition ended.

"Is that a threat or a promise?"

"Yes." Catching myself I indicated an explanatory pause. Old habits just died hard. "It will depend on who you ask. I am not sure you will find anybody but me calling it a promise."

"If it scares me too much, I shall bring Ar'anasi with me." He proved that Chiss could actually smirk should they want to.

"Oara, more like," I corrected him. "I don't think she will be seen anywhere near me in the function of Admiral. So you will have to make do with the private version. I am sorry."

"Well, it is not me that has a weakness for white uniforms." He spread his hands before his body. "But I concede your point. Provided," he set up strict conditions with his lor'kina, "that you vouchsafe for my chance to see that exhibition."

I was not quite sure why that was such a subject with him. Threll had never struck me as somebody who put more value on the arts than necessary. Still, I saw no reason not to comply.

"Good." He was about to break the connection when he added," I hope that old philandered did teach you how to dance by then." And he was gone.

Could you believe that guy? I considered the likeliness of anybody I knew teaching me how to dance and came to the sorry conclusion that Threll was right. If anybody stooped to that, it would be Storm. I wondered how to break that subject to him.

Not that I would have time to consider that for a while. The reception drew close, I had everything arranged and was fussing. Since Strom had acted as initial pre-screening he would naturally not attend. If I had ever seen a smug Chiss, it had been him telling me about that.

Of course it had the advantage that I was forced to actually talk to people and not hide behind the bastard. I'd show him! Not that that wasn't part of the plan as well. I sighed. However I turned it, I just could not win. Instead I spent some time drawing my dagger and sheathing it again without ruining my robes or fingers.

Sarah stumbled into the room, her own robes endearingly cute on her tiny frame. "Look, mama!" She turned to give me the full view of her patterns. Then she eyed me for a long moment. "Want blue," she then decided and began tugging at her clothes. How did you tell your child that it could never dress the way you did? It was not a problem I remembered encountering in my life.

I knelt down and took her hands in mine. "You look beautiful, very beautiful." I straightened her tunic. "Those are lovely colours. And there is blue in it, see?" I traced some of the lines with a finger.

"More blue," she insisted.

What to reply to that? She was a tad young to understand the rules behind the patterns in our life. "But look, your skin is blue. If your clothes are all blue, too, who will know if you wear something or not?"

The image elicited a giggle, but much too soon Sarah was serious again. "You blue."

"But I am not." I held my hand up and placed hers against it. "I'm red. So I cannot wear red. So I wear blue."

"But dardar."

The whole business of colours could have come up at a more opportune moment, namely one I had more time on my hands to explain. "Dada wears red, just like you do."

"No! Dardar."

Oh, that one. "Storm is not a part of the family. So he wears different colours." This did not sit well with her. "That doesn't mean you cannot like him," I assured her. "I like him."

"Okay." She fussed abut her clothes and I had no difficulty imagining where she had that from. I needed to be more careful around her.

"So we go now. I show you the pictures and I show you the guests. And then you go to bed."

"Okay," Sarah nodded gravely. "Want story."

"Rukh will tell you a story. Promise." I glanced a Rukh who didn't grace this obviousness with a reply.

"Khanathitera and Moon!"

"Oh, the stories about Khanathitera are the best," I agreed. I just prayed the Noghri would hold off telling the last instalment of that until she was older. I also wondered if 'moon' was more than a name for her. It's not as if she would get an abundance of exposure to one here.

With that sorted, Sarah was likely more ready than me to get going. I glanced at the clock again. Time to open the doors, just in case anybody was early.

"Rise as Khanathitera," Rukh growled softly.

I took that to mean rise to ones task and fulfil it brilliantly no matter the consequences. Because I felt I had already done the other thing that happened after her rising, which was falling for my captor. Not that I was about to banish him violently as the Chiss had conveniently done that for me. I might be tempted once I had him back and had had time to suffer his impossible personalty. But that was a story for another time.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	49. Chapter 48

As long as Sarah was awake, it was not clear if the guests had come to look at her or my paintings. I rather suspected the former but since they were all exquisitely nice to my daughter, I saw no reason to interfere.

"Not quite as far in her development as excepted," Thubal commented. "She is almost a year now, I take it?"

I was about to go into a long rant concerning mixed heritages and differing calendars when I thought it all too tiresome. And really, which Chiss wanted to know how time was measured in Space Beyond and what kind of havoc it might or might not play in gauging the age of things. Or people.

"About," I just said. "Two months to the full year." It seemed a long, long time since I had arrived and at the same time I could remember it as if it had been yesterday. Or last week. I looked a my daughter proudly explaining the difference between red and blue to Thorme who listened with great attention. Due to all my visits to the Mitth museum, I had probably seen him more often than anybody else in the room.

I could see the overtired excitement her body language. Time for bed. Rukh saw it as well and we descended on the poor girl like well-choreographed harpies. Not that it was necessary. A few growled words from Rukh and she was off like a perfect little angel. What had I done to deserve either of them?

"Will she paint as well?" Thorme asked.

I shook away my thoughts. "I do not know yet. She is too prone to put things into her mouth as yet for me to trust her with paint." I smiled a rueful little smile. "I have tried, of course.

"She could swallow a tube and call the series 'Paintings from the inside’”, he suggested.

It took me a moment to realise that he was joking. "I could list several problems with that," I replied. "But getting her to swallow the tube would be the least."

"Have you chided her on the heavy-handedness of her colours yet," Thubal joined the conversation.

"Not quite," Thorme said. "I was waiting for an explanation before doing so. Mellanna?"

I felt their combined gazes on me with the background noise of everybody else looking at me as well. I needed something more to say than 'I wanted to fulfil the expectation of being incapable of subtlety and I think it worked brilliantly'.

"I agree that one of them is not quite a subtle as it could be," I began slowly. "But I think a lot of the supposed obviousness stems from a different perception of colour. Here, colours seem to immediately evoke Houses. Even when I am using them with their old connotations."

"The intention and reception of the art differ," Thubal said thoughtfully. "It would take an elaborate explanation to understand."

"Or none at all." I suppressed a smile. "Just because the message sent is not the one received that doesn't make either invalid."

"What I wonder, is what red does signify in your context?" Thorme asked.

"Life, blood, passion, aggression, danger," I thought for a moment. "All that in a generally positive meaning."

"What about white?" Thubal might have been actually interested or just playing along.

"Purity. Sometimes innocence, but more often purity." Half-truths did not make full lies, I told myself. And just because different colours signified different ideas back home, that didn't mean they did for me. So much for white privilege taking the front seat.

"And black?" Thorme had his head half turned to look at the meagre row of paintings on the wall.

"Death," I said without missing a beat. "Complete annihilation."

"It is the colour of our military," he replied. "The merging of all colours, the ultimate sum of everything."

"What is a military but society's framework to legalise death; that of others, but ultimately also that of your own."

He conceded the point. "It does lead to pain in the end."

It was as good a point as any to start a discussion from so I did. After a few hours I wished I hadn't because Chiss were good at arguing. They trumped out argument after argument and actually delighted in controversy as long as everybody kept it civil. My natural inclination to argue on the factual level did me good services.

Still, when the last guest had finally left, I breathed a sigh of relief. The prospect of spending a lot more evenings like this was daunting but considering the way this had gone down not unlikely. How did you even live submerged in all this social interaction? When did those people ever take a time out? I felt like doing so immediately.

On the way back to my rooms it dawned on me that the exhibition was now open to access for a whole month. Anybody could ask for an appointment or just drop by and make my evenings long and intolerable. I would think twice, thrice or even quadri, quadra, oh frigging four times before I did this again. Once a year was definitely too often. I would have to do some research on the longest acceptable pauses.

I managed not do drown while washing. The bed was a mountain too high to be scaled at this time of night with this level of fatigue. In the end I scrambled onto it belly first and just kept going until my head was under the pillow. Goodnight.

_The pillow is getting too heavy; I find it difficult to breathe. When I take it off and turn around, red eyes stare at me from all directions. Their gaze is drilling holes into me, little holes that fill up with snaking doubt and snailing cold._

_A hand reaches for me out of the dark and I roll away, not wishing for the freezing claw to touch me. 'Get away!' I want to shout, but my mouth is dry and silent. Another hand comes out of the dark, cold and blue, a complete contrast to the glowing eyes._

_"No matter," a voice growls and makes my hair stand on end. "No matter."_

_But it does matter, this much I know. I want to lunge at him, but my legs are tangled up in the blankets._

_He laughs, a throaty sound rasping slivers off the darkness. "There will be no place for you in the eternal winter."_

_He's gone and so are the eyes and I hurtle after them. They have Sarah and are gaining on me. I reach out and run. Branches hit my face and stones try to make me fall. Gullies open up and hedges reach out for my ankles. I keep going, my eyes glued to the dwindling figures on the burning horizon. I jump._

"No!"

My head hurt. My feet hurt, there was the taste of iron in my mouth. My eyes blinked against the darkness that lifted with a sudden. Rukh was in the room with two steps and at my side with another. He signalled me to lie still and I do. My head was still swimming and the eyes seemed to lurk in every corner.

"Nightmare?" he finally asks.

I nod, feeling sheepish. "Sorry for waking you." I catch the spittle with my hand and it turns out to be blood. Damn.

The sound of soft feet distracts me and I find Sarah waddling towards me. The nursemaid follows a few steps behind. "She was not to be stopped," Eren lets us know.

I let her know that it's fine. "I will need something for my lip," I add. "I think I bit it."

"Through?" Eren wanted to know.

"No, thank heaven. Just bit it." I turn to my daughter. "What are you doing here at this time of the night?"

"Mama shout." There is definitely disapproval in her voice. Mamas are not supposed to be the ones with nightmares. "Tharah come."

"Yes, you did. Thank you." I cradle her close to me. Just feeling her warm body in my arms calms me enormously. The dominant fear of the dream, that she was lost and in danger, drains away. "Mama had a nightmare."

"Big monster?" Her eyes grow wide.

"Yes, a very big monster."

"Rukh, stay." She wriggles out of my grip and puts a decisive hand on Rukh's arm. "Stab nightmare."

Well, at least the believed in the efficiency of this. That was one battle won. For now. I smile and nod. "Okay. For tonight."

She nods back gravely. Why was my little girl such an adult already? I had no Chiss present to cast a disapproving glance at.

"But first, I need my lip looked at. Ere'ntali will do that. And Rukh will see you to bed. Then he will come back." I drowned out her protest before she could start.

She followed, with many glances over her shoulder as Rukh led her away and I followed Eren to the bathroom. She patched me up expertly.

"It will take a few days to heal over. You must be careful when you eat."

I lowered my head and agreed. "Thank you," I added.

I went back to bed. This time got into it properly, securing myself with the blankets that were tucked in between the frame and mattress. I was about to go back to sleep when Rukh returned.

"She will check if she wakes," he said.

"Try to get some sleep, though." I smiled to myself.

"I have slept in worse places." The Noghri showed his full array of teeth.

I believed him though it did not make me feel much better about the situation.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	50. Chapter 49

If I had thought my social life busy before this, I had been sorely mistaken. I began to wonder how any Chiss could hold down a normal job with so much socialising going on. There was always another reception, another play, another exhibition. I was handed from soiree to matinee like a curiosity. Never really important but risky or daring enough not to be missed.

As time went by my visits to the other districts became more frequent and my own visitors more colourful. When Sarah's swimming lessons drew to a close there was some bronze or teal among my acquaintances. It was a shame, really since I had nothing coming up to show this new-found variety off. Not that it would have worked, because the majority would be seen with me but not seen visiting me. Oh well, I had time.

Or not quite. The visit of the So'weëran'ok was approaching again and invitations were not the biggest of my worries.

"Dance." Storm gave me an even stare. "What on earth makes you think that I will teach you how to dance?"

It took some time to swallow all the snarky answers that came to mind. I could read on him that it was taking a little too long. "Because there is nobody else," I finally said. "Thirba already declined, Threll is too far away and though I have more acquaintances than I can count, none of them would stoop to doing that. Herr im Himmel, they don't ever touch me, not even the emphasising tug on the sleeve, Strom!"

He did not reply.

"I could try and ask Thkela," I volunteered. "I am sure she's a great dancer."

Whatever images that created in his head, his eyes flashed in amusement. "She'd certainly show you," he agreed.

"Well, that is settled then." I closed the matter with a heavy touch of irony.

"I am still waiting for an offer," Storm said. "What is in the bargain for me?"

"What can I offer?" I shrugged. "I have no kingdom to divide, my first-born is already born and you make such deals before they are and if you want to wait for the second born – that may take a while."

The comm buzzed with all the innuendo passing unspoken.

"What about I ask you some really personal questions and you answer with the truth?"

I wondered if the unspoken innuendo had gotten to him somehow. The idea was so ridiculous, I discarded it as soon as it reared its head. "The answer is yes."

"I did not ask anything yet." He raised a brow.

"Oh, but you did. And the answer is yes, I trust you." I let my fingers run through a prolonged shrug.

"Is that so." He regarded me intently and I would have given a lot to escape the scrutiny and/or know what he was thinking.

"Yes, because in short, I give you power over who I am and what I do," I stated.

"In short," he agreed.

I regarded him for a long moment. "I just hope, you're a damned fine dancer."

Of course he was. What had I even been thinking? The guy was smooth as a snake. It was no wonder at all that he had been best friends with Thrawn. It was either that or arch-enemies. And that was a fight I didn't want to be caught up in. I wondered how many Chiss of that calibre were around. I wondered if I really wanted to know.

The lessons themselves were worth every smithereen of my soul and dignity I'd have to sell for them. How much of my soul would I be able to hold on to if I met more of his kind, I didn't dare to think.

"Why do you think you will even need this already?" Storm asked. Due to me actually having the bigger place, I was taking private lessons in my shared parlour.

"I don't think it will happen this year," I admitted. "But when it happens, I want to be perfect."

He gestured for me to repeat the last figure on my own. "I'd say, half a year. Probably less. You're a natural."

I stopped in mid-motion. "I am not. I just had a lot of time recently to concentrate on my," I searched for a non-committal phrase, "physical control."

"I assume your bodyguard is playing a role in that?"

"He doubles as my personal trainer," I agreed. "Which is only economic."

"And probably efficient. Remind me not to get into a physical conflict with you."

"Verbal sparring is enough for me." I took up the motion again. When had I picked up mad skills like that? I let my thoughts wander back to all the sparring I had done. Yeah, probably right there and there and also there. I could tick a name of that list with each gradual tilt my right hand made.

"What about dancing where you come from?" Storm asked lounging on the sofa and correcting my posture now and then with a lazy flick of his wrist.

"More varied considering the cultural background, distinguished into folk dancing for peasants, classic dancing for educated and free style for the young." I began the routine again from the beginning, promising myself not to forget anything this time. It would be much easier with music, I sighed inwardly. But to know which figure the music implied, I had to learn them all first. No way around that.

"Your favourite?" He seemed genuinely interested.

"Apart from freestyle?" I moved through the rest of the figure before coming to a stop. He had not interrupted or corrected me so I assumed I had done it right. "The Waltz, simple, dizzying and able to hint at anything."

Storm got up. "Show me."

You are beholden to this guy, I told myself. Still I felt decidedly silly dancing a waltz with myself. I couldn't even remember any music to go with it from the top of my head. My grasp on Past Reality™ was waning fast.

"It does look simple enough," he agreed. "How common is it?"

"Common at any important reception including dancing," I replied. "Often combined with a show of superiority, allowing the most powerful couple to open the dance with the others joining in depending on their rank."

"It is a shame to burden any dance like that." Storm was circling me, obviously thinking something through. "Are you good at it?"

I thought for a moment. "I like it, but I wouldn't say I am exceptionally good at it, no." I couldn't help smiling as the past occasions for waltzing came to me. Or the dancing itself. Or, well, my absentee husband. Damn his soul. Not to mention his dress uniform.

Since it wasn't important, I didn't show Storm how to dance it, and the inside of my head was fortunately still private. I pulled the fluffy blanket over my head in bed and tried to remember tunes to dance a waltz to. There had been such a famous one, blue even. I couldn't remember. What I could remember was the feel of soft cloth under my hand and the gentle moving of muscles. Somehow that didn't improve anything.

Pulling up my legs I decided to go to sleep immediately. Of course that didn't work because there was no music, slow dancing and I all alone on a bed for two.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	51. Chapter 50

I celebrated my first invitation to a Chaf event with my last bar of chocolate. I had half a mind to demand my exiled Admiralship send me more, but the impossibility of that deterred me. So I would have to rely on Chiss substitutes now. Not that they were bad. Not in the sense of the word. They just didn't feel like real chocolate and my self-deception in that department showed a severe lack in placebo effect.

I eyed my tea mournfully, already counting the days until I'd have to go without that, too. Not that the konot got any better. It had already turned from 'kicking you in the face with steel-enforced boots' to 'kicking you in the face with huge fuzzy slippers.' I wondered if everything I knew was slowly slipping away like that. Only less noticeable because you didn't take stock of memories or things you assumed you knew.

I made a point of recalling the names of my family and close friends. I also made a point of not trying to recall anything else. After all I was celebrating another successful step on my way to victory. Once I had been a guest to a family of a House, anything could happen. Not that it would, it never did. And from what I had gathered Formbi was on the road most of the time and possibly not even back for important events.

I set my eyes on the next Unity Day Reception. This time I would go. If I had to bribe a fairy godmother, blackmail her or sic Rukh on her. I didn't care. I had a glass slipper to loose. I had a prince to ensnare. Even if he was a bit too late for the whole marriage thing. I was sure, Formbi would not mind that.

"You didn't seem that pleased when you had your first invitation to Csapla," Storm observed.

"Because I do not have plans for anybody in Csapla," I said.

He looked at me as if I had said the most stupid thing ever. "You should. It is the most influential House. You need to know who they are and what they do and how they will fit into your plans."

"What plans?" I was an epitome of innocence. "I have no plans."

"Ah," he said knowingly. "That again. It makes me wonder about what you were just saying about House Chaf."

"That," I shrugged elaborately, "is personal."

"Personal how?" I could almost see the gears of his mind spinning into action.

"I'll let you know if I need your help."

"How will you know if I can help, if you don't tell me what with?"

"I know you would like to know as much about this as you can, because you like to have as much control over my life as you can but to that I say," I couldn't help but smirk, "been there, done that." I was actually still at doing that, if I was honest. And there was only so many times a woman could marry. Without being divorced again first. I guessed.

"And you think you can handle this? Against a Chaf?" He was probably truly concerned.

"We will see," I replied. "And if not, what does it matter? It is only personal."

"You realise there is no such thing on Csilla?"

"Oh." I gave him a once-over. "And what is this?"

"Call it an investment into the future," he said. "And what is the worst that can happen to me?"

He could get his best friend back. Though there was no telling if they'd still get along like a house on fire or would chose the way of arch-enemies by now. One day I would find out. "And what a future that will be?"

"A future we can shape," Storm said. "And for one of the favours you owe me, I dare you to chose a Csapla and make plans for her or him."

"You dare me?"

"I double dare you."

"I don't think that is proper." I curled my fingers in his direction mockingly.

"You, my friend, are the epitome of improper," he enlightened me. "Very popular with the young and rebellious."

"That shall certainly be a great help in finding my place in established society." Well, actually it would. Take enough time and instead punk rock turned into haute couture. I was just not sure I had that much time. Not that Storm granted me more than two weeks to find the Csapla in question.

Damn that guy. How would I ever-? Well, since I had to, I went head-first into the news and archives and dug around anything that interested me until I realised I should rather be looking at things that would be useful to me. Why could those two not coincide for once?

To frustrate Storm, though probably myself too, I decided to make plans for Csapla'ron'deren. He was about as high up the food chain as you could get without being actually top tier. As Epitocra for House Csapla, he represented them in the Senate. He had ambitions, and good chances, to be chosen as the next Aristocra for the Council of Houses. After that, the only way up was Meritocra for all of the Ascendancy. If that wasn't useful, I didn't know what was.

So I needed a plan for him. What would I want a very influential Chiss to do for me. I discarded the obvious because it was obvious. I also discarded chocolate because it was still unknown here. I could get the substitutes without trouble. His art was sculpting, so maybe, I mean, what about a conjoint exhibition. That was a thought to scare the imagination of the hardiest Chiss.

"How long do I have?" I asked Strom over the comm.

"What do you plan?"

"The impossible," I smiled. "What else?"

"Five years," he replied.

I nodded readied a small envelope with my 'plan' in it and gave it to him at our next meeting. It had its opening date on it: 07.06.17 ABY*.

In the meantime I got ready to have a great entrance at the recital combined with music that Chaf'ris'stan had invited me to. By Chiss standards he was indeed young and rebellious. In the Chaf family that was especially difficult because all of them seemed to be deviants. The House was very good with politics, meaning all its members seemed shifty.

Since politics, if only the foreign part of them, were their department that wasn't surprising. Storm was rightfully doubting my ability to handle any of them in a way that ended up achieving what I wanted if the Chaf did not want the same thing.

"I'll just make sure he wants the same things I want," I told Threll.

He was even less convinced than Storm. "The Chaf will sell you your own department for a high price and have you beaming with getting such a great deal."

I had heard a similar description before. I smiled and immediately apologised for that. After all, pitting your strengths against the snake incarnate was no laughing matter. If only Threll knew how much of a snake I was myself.

"I will buy and make them regret it," I told him. "Just watch me."

"With interest," he agreed. "And I promise to attend your funeral as well."

"How do you even bury people here?" I wanted to know. "The ground is frozen and there is no space to bury anybody."

He gave me a strange look. "You need to research that for yourself," he finally said. "It is most improper to be told about this by anybody not part of your inner family."

"I have been told, and lately too," I informed him, "that I am the embodiment of improper. So you can tell me. If you know."

"A heavy-handed attempt and much too obvious," he scolded.

I raised my hands letting my fingers do a little shrug at the same time. "The scenes you sent me for your new play are excellent," I changed the topic. "Have you decided on who will do the stage design yet?"

"You have ideas for that?"

"Of course!" I rattled down a few names. "Though Mitth'ken'trebor might be a little too distracting in his vehemence."

"I had assumed you had your own ideas about the set." It was half a question.

"Have you seen my art?" I asked.

"No."

It was difficult not to laugh out loud.

"But I do get to hear a great deal about it," he continued.

"How?" The urge to laugh left me with a cold sudden.

"I keep my ears open." He looked smug. "And I know where to listen."

"So I won't have to show-"

"Don't try to get smart on me, old woman." His sarcasm markers were almost invisible. "I may be younger than you, but I have been playing this game a lot longer than you still."

"In the which case I shall make sure that you will be able to see those highly discussed pieces of art when you visit." It would not be too much of a problem, really. The exhibition closed in two days and what I did with the paintings then was anybody's guess. My plan had been to put them in the cellar with the rest of the unnecessary art. I had enough space to keep them around for a few more months, though. And maybe it would have been an insult to the art down there. Oh well.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Actually, it has a Chiss date on it, but do you really want to know and convert every time I mention dates?  
> Thought so.


	52. Chapter 51

I remembered to ask Thkela about how people were buried on Csilla.

"Of course they are not." The mere idea seemed to surprise her. "Where did you get that idea?"

"Nowhere," I admitted. "I was just wondering." Come to think of it, I hadn't seen a single funeral. There had been obituaries. There might have been family gatherings to remember the deceased. I didn't know. I hadn't known any of the dead as yet, so I would not have been invited. And tact forbade asking.

"The bodies are cremated," Thkela explained. "Depending on the wishes of the deceased, the ashes will be taken to the location of his choice to be scattered."

"How do you remember them?" I tried not to think of all the Chiss planets abounding in bits and pieces of dead people.

"Time is set apart for that when we visit Copero." She said it as if it was obvious. "What did you think we were doing there the whole time? It is not a holiday." Her lor'kina curtailed the statement a little. Not all holiday, but not all work either.

I wondered if I'd ever get to experience it. Well, considering my plans, I'd better. Though certainly not this year and probably not next year. Private family business was private and no matter how well I did publicly, this was a subject I would not touch.

Everything else? Which Chiss would even know the tells of a lying human? And who would tell them, they were looking at the wrong indicators? Certainly not me. My job right now as to be a white elephant. I snickered at the thought (and etymology) as I tugged my robes into compliance. Chaf'ris'stan would get a tad more than he had bargained for.

It was probably not my fault that I had more time than anybody else to do meticulous research on other people's events. I just didn't have a day-job. So I was pretty optimistic I had some of the evening's texts right and would do good arguing about them. Reception history and oral tradition was one of the more boring fields I had recently occupied myself with so I really hoped it would pay off.

It was a relief that Storm would not be around, due to aforementioned day job of which he had one. Sometimes I felt too watched, not to mention too tempted to banter with him to work efficiently. Something was not quite as it seemed with him and though he did such a great job at hiding it that usually I forgot, I had written an actual note to myself and used as as desktop background.

That mystery had to wait for another day, or probably year. I didn't want to endanger my friendship for a secret that I didn't feel was targeting me specifically. He was sincere in his actions. It was just the given reasons for it I had my doubts about.

On my way out, Rukh attacked me several times, just to make sure I had my act together and the dagger under control. He would stay with Sarah mostly because I had no reason to bring anybody, much less my bodyguard. Still he was unhappy with the solution. I was also pretty sure he was sometimes following me back home after an event. It was difficult to tell but the silence of his shadow was something I felt I could hear by now.

The recital went well. And surprisingly fast. Those things had a tendency to drag on forever, like yearly meetings where everybody with half a word to say took the right to say it for half an hour. At least. And the droning got to your head and made you drowsy. Falling asleep here would have more bitter consequences, though, so I was happy I hadn't even been tempted.

" I didn't think you would recognise Chaf ' amb ' inak, " F r iss said.

"It was mostly a guess," I replied. "He does use the imagery of light on ice a lot and in combination with the perspective it did resemble his later reflections that utilise the landscape directed inward."

I was doing fine. Well, actually I had no clue how to discuss literature, but I was certainly better at it then I let show. There would be no learning curve to speak of at the beginning, so I'd rather show the learning of things I already knew. Who'd suspect anyway? Storm was not here.

" It is interesting to see how well you  grasp to some of the  intuitive  aspects. " That was Attal, my main target for the day. He was the most rebellious Csapla around and that was saying something. Not that I could see him run a red light or anything. To me, he looked like just another epitome of the well-established First Family. 

I bit my tongue, metaphorically. Had I done that literally, they would have known even with my mouth closed. Grasp of language, my eye. Sometimes I missed writing things painfully. Sometimes even so bad I actually sat down and wrote things. A no-go, considering my art, but letters should be fine. I wondered what  ' he ' thought when I had dumped another of those on him. Maybe I should add more drawings on the margins.

I would have liked to get lost in that thought for a while. But there was business at hand. "Maybe my mindset is not that far from what you'd expect," I replied. "Or it is just the inward landscape of ice and light I understand well." Let them chew on that for a while.

"But that was from the Diasporan Era." Attal's questioning fingers almost waggled. "The meaning and perception of ice has changed greatly since then."

"This is true for you. What makes you think my ice is the same as yours is now and not closer to what it was in the Diasporan Era?" Naturally this triggered an extended discussion and comparison of perception now, then, and alien. As I said, I was doing well.

Due to my acceptable intelligence and excellent shock factor, Attal would remember me the next time he would perform. Or the next time he let perform. His art was poetry. Naturally I envied him a lot and wondered if I could not encroach on that.

But since we were already on the topic of perception, I wondered aloud if a simple change in font couldn't alter the meaning of the whole by creating a different reading?

It was a good sign that  my targeted Csapla actually took the time to consider it.  "For the highly accomplished poems that may be true," he finally said. "But usually the words are not that compressed. There is still enough of each word to see. The existence or absence of a serif will not matter."

I did not launch the discussion on whether great poetry could be measured by the number of fonts I could take a different meaning in. I was tempted. Damned, this poetry talk was fun. "Have you ever consciously tried to used this as a device?" I asked him. Oh yes, I had done my research.

"Not yet." He made an explanatory pause. "There are some ideas that need closer inspection before I can transcribe them. Poetry can be – intractable."

Tell me all about it. Or better don't. The urge to smother him in sonnets and decorate the heap with a haiku or two might become too strong.

On my way home, I was sure the grey silence was following me, but still Rukh almost surprised me when I trudged up the stairs bedwards.

"You are getting better, but I would have killed you."

There was no excuse, not being tired, not having a long day, not knowing it was him. He would have killed me and I would have been dead and everything over. I hadn't even started. Or maybe I had. If Attal actually did remember my interest, which I had overdone as to have it more easily detected, I might have found my way into House Csapla.

And though there was definitely no hierarchy among the Ruling Houses, you just did not disregard an esteemed guest of the First House, or a not so esteemed guest. Well, somebody who was at least tolerated within the walls. I got the impression that my plan did need some more working on.

Well, that would have to wait for another day. And this is the reason I fell into my bed face-first and didn't update here.


	53. Chapter 52

Attal did not forget me when he had his next reception. He was not yet presenting any of the compressed poetry we had been talking about, though. He was known to be late to any trend; late but with deep insight nobody had taken the time to think of before. It was amazing how a person like this could be labelled 'rebel' of his house.

I was invited and floated around; a blue dot in an ocean of bronze and green. When had I started to predict people's actions with any accuracy? A nasty voice inside my head claimed that I had _always_ tried to make people do what I wanted and have them think it was their idea. At least, if you believed my boyfriend. I did. Not that I thought of him as my boyfriend any longer. He had become an ex quite some time ago. That didn't invalidate his point though.

Maybe I had just finally become good at it. Must have been the teaching. Teaching that by now lay way too far back for my liking. Stupid absentee husband; I couldn't even kick his shin. I was unable to kick his shin for one and a half years by now. It sucked. It had gotten easier to live with. Mostly I tried not to think about it to be honest.

In a way I had come full circle. Thrawn might just as well be an imaginary character again, unreachable, unattainable, but ready at hand in case of need. The amount of imagination necessary to conjure up a concerned husband might have increased, though, now that I actually knew him. But that didn't matter. What mattered that I had a job to do.

Attal's guests were a bit more liberal than House Csapla tended to be. Still I did feel the difference of tone when I was talked to. The proper pronouns flowed more naturally from their lips and they didn't even think about it. It was the natural order of things. The idea that I might actually not be an alien without status but a person didn't occur to them even after meeting me. Talk about privilege.

"You will understand when you get to know them better," Attal assured me.

I waved his concern away. "The First House has its own rules. Who am I to question them." The answer to that was actually 'Queen of half the fucking Space Beyond, you gormless tits.' Not that I would tell them. Instead I bowed my head and was grateful for the attention I got, no matter its shape.

Unfortunately, the more liberal crowd of House Csapla did not include anybody who would get me closer to my final goals. Why had I set my sight on such conservative targets? Oh, right, changing the mind of the whole Chiss Ascendancy. That would not work with the revolutionaries only. Even if the revolutionaries were rather reluctant to actually revolt. Careful Change To Established Authorities! Thoughtful Reconsideration Of Established Principles! It reminded me of something.

By now the colourful community had gotten used to the blue dot in their middle. And I made certain not to change my formal robes yet. That would have to wait for a special occasion. And while I was the blue among the colourful in public, it was the other way round when I went swimming with Sarah. There is was a pink dot among a deluge of blue. I got used to the one as well as I had to the other.

So far nobody had asked me to accompany them to the hot springs and I would sure not tell Sarah about them until I felt happier in my skin. Well, happier in my skin when everybody was able to see it. There was nothing wrong with my skin as long as I could put an amount of cloth over it that I considered decent. Fortunately, Sarah made no sign to take after her mother in that respect.

In general she was not taking after me a lot. On the one hand that was good because she would fit into this society better than I could ever hope to. On the other hand it was sad to see how her grasp of standard would likely never amount to much. I was just not enough people to leave an impression as deep as the Cheunh around her. Sometimes I even had to be careful not to switch to it when talking to her. I really wished, I had read up on raising a child bilingual.

Actually, I wished I had read up on raising a child at all. By now everybody who had started in preschool with her was in a higher group. I was not quite sure how the downgrading had been done, but Sarah had barely noticed and not complained. I should be grateful for that as it wouldn't last forever.

"You will both participate in the dinner,"Thorra instructed me, "and then put her to bed. Join the reception without drawing attention. You may stay as long as you please."

Now this was a definite step up the social ladder. Admittedly, it would have looked strange had I been missing from the inner circle now that I was so actively participating in any social life I could get.

So that was how it was done. Sarah was so wound up from the excitement of the dinner that it took a while to calm her down and get her to sleep. For a moment I was really worried my voice would give out before I could return to the reception. In the end my lullaby and the evening's routine won out.

Still, by that time the officially receiving part of the reception was over. It was a complicated and highly tangled web, deciding who would arrive in time to receive a formal greeting. I was glad I didn't have to think about that yet. I'd always rather slip in unnoticed and it would take years, or so I hoped, before my arrival warranted anything else.

I allowed myself to drift through the crowd for a while, to get a feeling for the mood. Nobody seemed resentful. I talked to those who caught my attention or those I had invited. Only those of them that had also been invited by another member of the family had already arrived. And if I got that correctly, only Storm had warranted an official reception.

"Let us slip away before he claims your time," Threll suggested, directing me into the direction of my rooms. "You have a promise to fulfil."

"Indeed, Mitth'rel'lapis," I replied. "And I intend to." I wondered how that sounded to an innocent bystander.

Together we made our way through the guests which was surprisingly easy. On my own I would not have made it from one side of the room to the other in under two hours. Maybe we had the look of people doing business.

I had hung up the paintings in the study. It was not ideal, but it would spare us the walk all the way to the shared parlour and risking to wake Sarah. As expected, he spent a long time studying them. I would never get used to the scrutiny people afforded my paintings. Though I would very much have liked to leave him to it, leaving him alone in my study would have been more of a scandal than staying.

"Very nice," he said in the end. "The setting could be better, of course." He looked around.

"Of course," I admitted. "The next time, I will make sure to confer with your schedule first." There was a small exchange of wordless sarcasm.

"Has anybody put a claim on any of them yet?"

I was speechless. That had not even occurred to me yet. Of course anybody outside the core family I knew could easily claim me out of any of the paintings just for talking to me. The idea that anybody would actually do that was new, because it meant that they'd be burdened with it afterwards and I couldn’t imagine anybody actually wanting to own some of my art. If it was art.

"I'll take that as a no." Threll took an image with his pad. "I'll put a general one on them, then. I'll get back to you with the details before I leave."

I was still speechless when we had joined the reception again. A fact that Threll used as excuse to find people that actually had their wits about them. I was to feel free to approach him once I had managed to find mine again.

I took a time-out on the balcony, staring at the starless sky until I felt I had myself under control again.

"Don't say you didn't see that coming," Storm chided.

I had had my wits about me before approaching him as well. I was not suicidal. "I considered it a little too soon for anybody to show interest," I replied. "What is there to gain?"

Storm gestured that answering that was beneath him.

Suddenly  I got the queasy feeling that failing my quest would not only put  _me_ into a bad position. It was something I would actively avoid thinking about. A good way to do this presented itself in a flash of bronze  a little away .

My lor'kina let Storm know I agreed. "I shall instead better myself," I said nudging him along a little, "in the ways of the people. You may judge my efforts as you please."

He became suspicious at that. "Your fair speech is scarce unless you intend great mischief."

"Nothing of that sort, I swear." I took a last step in the right direction. "Seeing how you know almost everybody and it is a scarce pleasure to honour you with introductions, I thought to grasp this chance to do so now. Csapla'tta'lernek has heard of you, of course, and followed news with great interest."

"And what makes you think I will agree to such a thing?" Storm sounded slightly amused.

"Mostly the fact that it would take a very undignified run to escape your fate." I almost smiled, but we had reached the aforementioned Csapla who did not look as if he would let the opportunity pass by. "Kres'tor'manad, please let me introduce to you Csapla'tta'lernek." I bowed slightly. "Csapla'tta'lernek, the honoured Kres'tor'manad."

The two men examined each other and I took the moment to merge into the eddying crowd. Maybe this wasn't so bad after all.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	54. Chapter 53

In the aftermath of the reception, Strom did not roast me slowly over a small flame or take other steps to show I had overstepped my boundaries. Attal on the other hand sent a very kind note. He was breaking my heart, that one. He had taken up thinking about the compressed poetry in earnest. All I could do was sit and listened while he made plans to poet. It was insufferable, really. I complained long and in detail to my absentee husband who could count himself lucky since the most of those effusions got burnt.

Anyway, I planned to have my say in that some day. The waiting was just so hard. Of course there were other things to wait for and take my mind off the poeting; at least now and then. Jet'yeo'iri came and went, not bringing any more ice than any other month despite its name, and the turn of the year approached.

Invitations flowed out and marked the chosen of the year as clearly as any sign. Unsurprising Thkela, Thorra and Thirba were invited as well as Thikoa and Thiffa. I kept a very close eye on the information to be had on the expected attendants.

And then, timely, about a week after everybody else in the family had one, I got my invitation to the Unity Day reception. It was a simple thing for such a big event, purely digital, no dressings. I could not help but sit grinning smugly, if like an idiot at the message.

Naturally, the comm beeped into my asinine reverie. It was an easy guess as to who that was.

"Hello, my friend. Will you have time to say anything before-"

Even as I was speaking Threll made an apologetic gesture and was promptly replaced by Ar'anasi.

"I assume our plans worked out better this year," she greeted me.

"They did indeed." I bowed slightly. "Preparations are already being made so I can live up to my reputation."

"Do not be a spectacle bigger than absolutely necessary."

"I don't plan to make a spectacle of myself at all," I assured her. "What people make of me, who can tell?"

A tight smile flitted over her face. "In the which case, we should discuss the participants you might want to approach."

Oh, didn't I indeed. The list was short, even if you considered it was only for one evening, but it was exclusive. My personal favourite was not on it but that didn't matter. There was no way I was going to forget about him.

"And how do you cope otherwise?" Ar'anasi's question surprised me.

"I'm fine," I replied automatically. "I am actually," I paused to consider what I was going to say next, "fine. Sometimes I get bouts of emotion, but then I think everybody has those; maybe more often if your spouse is actually around." There was a hint of agreement from her. "Thank you for asking."

"It is a long road," she shrugged it off. "Hearts may falter and that I would want to know."

Not it was my time to allow a tight little smile. "Tell me, Ar'anasi, where would I turn to?" I opened up my lor'kina. "Where could I go?"

She seemed to be ticking off several options in her mind before she answered. "Indeed." And that was that.

I really wanted to know what list was inside her head, but of course I was more than impolite to ask. And if I didn't know where to go, how would she? Well, okay.

"I must apologise for the connection," Threll said as soon as he was back on-screen. "It keeps acting up, I don't know what else to try."

"It is indeed a nuisance," I agreed. "But still you insist on calling me, despite knowing how bad the connection tend to be. Somebody will have to take the blame."

"I will find somebody," he promised. "In the meantime," he moved the camera to the side a bit, "what do you think about that?"

"I definitely looks misplaced," I said.

"How?"

"Because it is hanging on somebody's wall. Where people can see it." I shook my head. "Also, I'll never understand why you chose 'Pain' over 'Hope'."

"Because you wouldn't give me both." He returned the camera to its original angle. "And you need hope more than I."

I agreed. Though it looked as if hope was coming through for once. I was a little sad that not many people I knew would be at the reception. It was a very exclusive event. Storm, yes and Thkela, Thorra and Thirba, Thara. Ar'anasi was on a mission and quite unfortunately, so was Formbi. That left Arond open to my personal assaults, if I ever got a chance to approach him.

"I'll miss you there," I said."

"And I would be more than delighted to attend." His lor'kina was honest with a splash of regret. "For an alien abomination you have risen very fast."

I tried on some modesty and discharged it. "We all do what we must."

"Anything to look forward to?"

"Not that I know of," I said. "Which doesn't mean you won't find my face plastered over the first page of everything for the scandal I accidentally caused." I allowed myself a small smile as I inclined my head. "You know how clumsy and ignorant I can be."

"I have first-hand experience." He inclined his head as well.

Later I sat down to write a letter to my dear departed. After a few words I wondered if I should better wait until the whole things was over and I had something of importance to write. I stared at the empty page. It was of a creamy beige. White just didn't work. I stared at the empty pages a lot and white – it just didn't help.

In the end I decided to send something that had overtones of hope for once. Why not allow for some expectant excitement? The harsh realities would be back soon enough. And what if he thought it wasn't all bad here? What if, for once, I seemed somewhat happy?

I pinched the bridge of my nose. I wished I could just quote – well, why not? Who would know? Not even my probably beloved. It felt a little like cheating, but VNV Nation had always touched on something with their lyrics. Also, another year will start to pass, please don't ask me why I'm here, something deeper brought me.* Truth as far as I was concerned. And I would deliberately leave out the sad parts.

Well, almost all of them. I did tell him how much I missed him. I usually did. By now I was not sure if it was to remind him or me. Yes, of course I missed him. But then I had been missing him for longer than I even knew him. Missing Thrawn was not an emotion that was founded in reality as much as it sprung from the inside of my head.

Just because it's inside your head, doesn't mean it's not real. Things in there had always been scarily real for me. And in that short tryst where he was real and the even shorter bit where he was possibly mine- In the end it had not been enough to override the past years where he had been missing in my life because he was not even real.

Great. This was just what I needed. I sealed the letter fast and hid it from myself. Then I went to get on with my life, fiction or not. I had a family, a daughter, a mission. That had to be enough.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * [VNV Nation - Beloved](https://youtu.be/Kfc3zcnrWMQ)


	55. Chapter 54

I had considered getting a formal tunic with a pattern on it for the reception. It was after all a big step. But then I decided against it. It was an event where everybody appeared in their most formal wear. And if your status was such a matter of importance, I would show off mine sure as hell.

I did get a new formal tunic though, following the newest fashion. I would not be a pariah in more respects than I had decided to showcase. It felt a little strange to wear a plaited skirt of almost knee-length over the trousers, especially since the boots came up almost to my knees from the other end. But I had a scarf/stole sewn to my overcoat that fell in perfect folds all the way to the floor and the tunic was imitating a military coatee that made me feel nostalgic for my own uniforms. I did not think at all of another uniform in splendid white that opened approximately like the garment I wore now. It would only have led to tears.

Not wearing any make up had the advantage that I did not have to redo it. It also had the disadvantage of showing my red-spotted face in all its hideousness. Well, I was considered ugly anyway. Why care? I rubbed my eyes vigorously, probably turning them even more red.

"Take good care of her, will you?" The question was unnecessary but Rukh humoured me. My mental state had not been the best lately. I blamed it on the pressure stemming from the Unity Day Reception. At least that made sense even outside of my head.

I took my time walking through the starlit streets of Csaplar. It seemed the stars were indeed only activated for Unity Day. Maybe I would remember to research the costs for the arrangement and draw some conclusions.

The city was not very busy at this time. Everybody else had already arrived at their destined party. Only a few of questionable luck like me were still on their way. The lowest ranking at their events. From my direction I had to pass the Tower of Art on the way. The higher windows were dimmed so the stars would still be visible.

The reception itself was held in the House Palace. You did not need a lot of space for a senate of about seventy people. But of course there were a lot of committees and secretaries and such, so the Palace deserved its name. It sported forty storeys. I craned my neck as I approached. Well, here went nothing.

Gods, what a letdown. I stood carefully out of the way nursing a drink. Would everything that I was excited about end up like this? Possibly. After all, this was Csilla and nobody had any inclination to make my life agreeable. Not even Storm. That bastard. But then, what had I expected?

Probably more human behaviour which showed exactly why I would never find my feet here. Not that the whole thing wasn't very impressive. Hobnobbing with the hobnobs, no question. I have never seen more decorum in one place. And I didn't even get to see the formal receptions.

Considering how a proper reception took a lot of time and nobody really had a mind to spend their whole evening greeting people, only a very select handful of visitors was actually greeted personally. By the time I arrived the reception hall had fallen into the setting of general welcome extended to all. All that were not part of a Ne'weëran'ok, So'weëran'ok or important branch of the family, that is. There were three more entrances for people of those categories.

The inside had been decorated with a lot of thought. None of them had taken my aesthetic feelings into consideration. As far as I could tell it was all up to date, a cooperation of currently successful artists. Even the musicians scattered around the huge place were following a certain pattern.

It would be impossible to seat this deluge of people properly so it had not even been attempted. There was a buffet. Actually, there was more than one because by the time you reached the other side of the room you might have starved. Why did people think this megalomaniac architecture was ever a good idea? The ceiling seemed to be light-years away. It was illuminated with a night sky. Wispy clouds moved across the stars.

The walls were towering, but the effect was alleviated by balconies and colonnades. Wall art had been applied generously. You could probably fill a whole museum with it if you took it down. Where did they store all the stuff? Did I really want to know?

And I was not Cinderella. Nobody as much as turned their head when I arrived. Nobody announced me loud enough for all to hear. Well, that would have been possible only with a very good and finely-tuned sound system. I was also not wearing white which would have been presumptuous. On the positive side I had no obligation to find a prince and none of my accessories turned into pumpkin.

The attendees were mainly people I had never seen before. At least not in person. As soon as I had gotten my invitation, I had done all of my research, naturally. This was the powerhouse of Csilla. The men and women controlling the fate of the Ascendancy. Here the strings were pulled. If I ever wanted to achieve anything, these were the people I had to surround myself with.

In general I can't say I was impressed. They seemed to be just more Chiss. That might have been a good argument for the meritocracy. It might just have been proof of my utter inability to read any advanced lor'kina.

I had gotten lost on my first walk around. The only reason I had an inkling where I was, was because I had stumbled into the gardens. They did not look any different from gardens on the ground. The sheer drop ten storeys down was cleverly hidden, just as normal gardens hid their boundaries. Maybe with a little more rails to avoid sudden drops.

I had walked the whole garden, pretending that it had been my plan all along and also hoping to get a feeling for the place and orient myself again. And all the while I walked and looked I did not see a single familiar face. Oh, I am sure my face was familiar to many, especially sticking out of these unmistakable blue robes.

I scanned the crowd for a familiar pattern which would be a lot easier to spot than another blue face among blue faces topped with black hair. It was worse than humans who tended to look alike to me. At least there you had different complexions and hair to go by. Here it was all house colours. I began to understand where that made loads of sense.

In the end I gave up. I got myself a drink and no food because holding a glass and a plate and then trying to eat or drink necessitated the use of a third arm or, in lieu of that, a tail. Since I had neither, I kept to the drink. It was not even fizzy. It was also completely non-intoxicating. That was a blessing to Chisskind and probably me in the long run. I twirled the glass in my hands and began walking again.

This was definitely not my kind of people. I found Thkela and we had a short conversation, mainly so she could hand me on to somebody else who then did the same. I began to feel like a hand-me-down. In this situation it was unfortunately a very accurate description. But I had a job to do.

So I didn't grit my teeth, did not object to pronouns, and conversed rather clumsily about the current state of affairs in the Ascendancy. Somehow art didn't seem to be a polite subject. Another bother. But at least everybody of importance now knew I was indeed a stupid idiot.

"I hope you are satisfied now," Thara said. We stood in an ocean of rioting colours that flowed past us in all directions. We were also floating slowly, following the ebb and flow of people moving about the huge room.

"For now," I agreed. "I can finally be myself now."

"And that will be helpful?" Doubt was rippling over her.

"It will indeed," I inclined my head and missed smiling horribly. For a moment I considered telling her more but we were in a room full of Chiss. Not even I was that careless. "Though maybe one last faux pas." I paused shortly. "Just a big last one to seal my fate."

"I shall leave you to your devices," Thara said. "Maybe some other time will be better suited to reminisce about the past."

"I would be delighted," I agreed. "There is likely common ground to be found."

The former Admiral vanished back into the crowd and I began to plan for my final act of clumsy alienness. It gave me some stomach pains, but it had to be done. Or so I kept telling myself. And once achieved, I would be able to go home. Well, I would have no other choice but to leave embarrassed and humiliated. Knowing it in advance and that I would knowingly bring it on myself didn't make it any better.

I put down my empty glass and decided to try some other drink before leaving, though. There _had_ to be something fizzy around somewhere. Still I ended up with something decidedly unfizzy. Stupid Chiss. I grumbled to myself, watching the crowd from a safe distance.

"Are you enjoying yourself?"

Storm's voice almost made me jump into the potted plant I had been lurking next to. "Eels upon you," I murmured when I had my act together again. "Have you nothing better to do?"

"Better than watching you hatch another of your outrageous plans?" His eyes flashed shorty. "I wouldn't want to miss it for the world. Even if I, like the esteemed Mitth'ar'alani, will prefer to watch its implementation from afar."

"The further the better," I said softly. "It is not going to be pretty."

"You never are."

I did not kick his shin in public and was very proud of it. I watched him move on. Then I returned to planning. It was incredibly easy to accidentally run into people in a place like this. There had to be hundreds of them around. To walk into a specific one required a lot of planning and fast thinking. I counted it as a victory that I managed at all. Of course, I put down my glass first. I did not want to leave a lasting impression on his robes, only on his mind.

For a long second we stood a pace apart, the movements around us frozen as I apologised long and eloquently. Csapla'ron'deren looked down at me. Actually every Chiss did so, but he made a point of doing so. It was true that there was no second chance for a first impression. But at least I had now made one.

The alternative would have been telling him one day that of course we had met before didn't he remember? And then there would be a very long list of occasions where he had not noticed I existed. Now he had noticed if he was able to find me under all the submission and apology markers. It was amazing how many of those you could fit on one person.

"It should not have happened," I came to a conclusion. "It is upon me to find a better way."

There was no inconspicuous way for him to do as much as raise a brow. So even had he wanted to, he could not have. I accepted that. He would come to his own conclusions. I stepped out of his way, enabling him to move on. Hidden beneath my standing apology, support and best wishes lurked. He did not sweep past as that was beneath him.

For a moment I watched as the ocean of Chiss closed behind him. There was no murmur, no open discussion of the incident. I cursed my pupils that did not allow me to follow the lor'kina travelling the room without anybody noticing. So I hunched my shoulders instead and made my way to the exit.

I was not taking the direct route, trying not to show how badly my faux pas had gotten to me. But still it was clear that I was retreating. I just hoped nobody would stop me with a show of chivalry. The prospect of kicking Storm's shin after all came to mind shortly. But he was too smart to try that.

Well, that left all my check boxes for the evening ticked. Arond had been a difficult choice. Nuruodo'dan'nefer had only just escaped his fate mainly because I saw no reason to impress her with anything. After all her name was not written on a sheet of paper now owned by one Kres bastard. The fact that she was currently the Meritocra might have helped as well. You didn't want to un-accidentally bump into the ruler of your people. Even if they were all blue-skinned blockheads.

I took my time on the way home. I did not go to bed immediately either. Instead I went into the garden, laid down next to the waterfall and listened to the song of the stream while I watched the stars. Only when I could take their immobility anymore, did I get up and went to bed.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	56. Chapter 55

There was no backlash. There wasn't even a single harsh word from Storm who chose the much more efficient way to scold me by just taking a holiday on Noris. "You will live," he just said over the comm.

"Seeing how I can't get a decent burial here, I better." This was unfair. "You might have mentioned it."

"I might have."

"I think I would have noticed," I retorted. But it was too late now anyway. "Oh well, I am looking forward to you explaining this to Sarah when you return."

"I thought you were against using your daughter for a weapon?" His tone was still amused.

"I am against other people using her," I corrected him. "I'm her mother and do whatever I please. It is the privilege of parents."

"What have yours done to give you that idea?"

"I am not certain but if you insist I can write you an essay." I indicated a favour returned on my lor'kina.

He refused with a quick spread of his fingers. "I will want more than conjecture for that. Hard facts, Lanna, nothing else will do."

I rippled a shrug over my fingers. By now I could even add a normal shrug to it just so I didn't forget how humans did this kind of thing.

A pleasant side effect of the incident was the image spread through the news which had me facing Arond very nicely. Almost the highest ranking meeting the probably lowest ranking in a picturesque way. I printed a copy for my dear exiled idiot and attached it to an explanatory letter that left out how very out of place and alone I had felt. I put it on top of the other letter that was still where I had put it.

Then I began to answer a sheer endless amount of cards and inquiries. To break up the routine, I created a chart displaying family and rank of those calling. It was pretty. It was also not very surprising. Burgundy dominated everything followed by red and smithereens of yellow and bronze. The other houses were barely visible slices of pie in the chart. But they were there. Way to go.

Though not immediately. Since a lot of people had used Unity Day for a holiday home, I got plenty visitors for a change. They were still from the lower and less important branches of the Ruling families. I began to write down names and important bits and filed everybody away in a complicated system that could sort them by family, position, vocation and even art. It would probably be useful one day.

Then I settled down in a kind of routine which was strange because I hadn't thought that would ever happen. I spent my mornings replying to mail and doing calls. I arranged my ever-growing database of people I kinda knew. Probably. Give me time.

I still took part in some of the bookkeeping. Thkela insisted. "You will need it," she said.

I did not object. The prospect to actually own something again some day was appealing. In an abstract way that was worrying. I did not feel as if anything around me actually belonged to me. Everything was a loan from the family. Mine to use as necessary but certain to be passed on to coming generations.

I still could pack up what was really mine in a suitcase. A very small suitcase. I didn't dwell on how long that had been the case because it became longer by the day. And time was confusing me on Csilla what with the very regular number of days to their months and Sarah growing up way too fast and way too slow. I was here for two years or something now. No, it was definitely something I did not want to think about.

Instead I kept my habit of indiscriminately accepting any invitation thrown my way, provided I was still free. It resulted in the funny occurrences where I got invitations long before the event was even officially announced. I smiled to myself and kept my mouth shut.

"Are you ever going to stop that?" Storm was escorting me to one of the many exhibitions.

"Unlikely." I grinned. "It is too much fun. And common knowledge."

"You are a cause of public unrest."

"Glad to be of service."

"One day you'll meet a Chiss who will have none of your bullshit and I really wonder what will happen then."

I laughed, but only softly because we were in a public space. "He married me," I said finally. "I don't hope that will happen again."

Storm snorted. "By the way, you might want to know we are currently having an affair again."

Ah, the working of the rumour mill. "Again? Why did we split up last time?"

"A quarrel about the interpretation of Csapla'tta'lernek's latest exhibition. It is common knowledge he vies for my place."

"He wants to become a Kres?" I furrowed my brow. "Well, let him. I am sure there are a lot of," I switched gears as we rounded the last corner, "interesting aspects in the way he used font to distort meaning. I have not seen it done so subtly before."

"And you do see everything," Storm agreed. "What are you working on?"

"Oh, this and that." I did not grin smugly as it was not the Chiss way and displayed an impeccable lor'kina as Yal'ler'ambre welcomed us.

He had a point though. I had to get my creative juices channelled into an acceptable channels and do some more serious painting. Not that I was fond of it as yet. That might still be long in the coming. I procrastinated by letting Sarah try out the colours and different surfaces.

That would not excuse me forever from having nothing to show. I tried to find inspiration in the images displayed, but Llera was using watercolours and the only thing I could do with those was create splotches. Okay, I pretty much created splotches with everything.

Sarah showed more interest in the more practical arts anyway. Singing, dancing, anything with music enchanted her. She returned from preschool with a lot of songs that were impossible to get out the head again. I patiently sang them with her. _Csapla build on Cioral, Sabosen on Sposia_... they all seemed to be educating, too.

I tried to add more songs from my own repertoire to them but that would have to wait. All children's songs I knew were German. And the others were not quite in her vocabulary range.

Though Sara was capable of walking by the time the Ne'weëran'ok left for it's annual visit on Copero, her ability to speak was still pretty limited in any language. Again we stayed behind. Again I used my time well. Though it became more and more difficult to find shocking activities. The things I was willing to do were limited and I was not really novel enough to have real shock value.

I was at many events but I might as well have been a potted plant. Maybe a semi-intelligent potted plant. I was part of the trimmings. It had become normal. So much for that. I had achieved what I wanted, but somehow I had forgotten what my next step was going to be. I hoped it would come to me again.

Sarah's birthday came and went. The family took the opportunity to scrutinise her progress against normal children and shake their heads. There was no way she would enter school with the next term. Not that I was surprised. Or sad. Under all the social interactions, the time with my daughter had turned into a real fountain of respite.

I treasured even the moments she had a fit over bathing or not getting another treat or generally having a mood. With her I didn't have to keep an agenda in mind. I could just do my best raising her. I got to be myself in a way I hadn't expected to miss. I could reflect on that nicely, but how did you paint that? Maybe I should have chosen poetry after all. I knew exactly how to vent in poetry.

So I did and dutifully burnt the words in the end. Since letters from Space Beyond arrived every one or two months by now, sending pathetic little outburst didn't seem like a good idea at all any longer. Not that there was much personal stuff exchanged. I never knew how to word any of it. It might have been easier without any replies. Writing against a wall.

But I knew there was life at the other end of the line. Arn had married his girl. Deerian was doing a splendid job. Jaori was unstoppable in his missionary zeal. Karrde was paying royalties, but could I please keep the images coming. Sometimes I laughed and sometimes I cried and some times happened more often than the other.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	57. Chapter 56

The kids were home for Diaspora Day. And this time that included Sarah. Since the day was shock-full with visitors and everybody wanted to catch a glimpse of her, she stayed home. We spent a lot of time in the garden, in sight but out of the way. I was getting used to this position.

Sarah was blissfully ignorant of the circumstances that afforded her a whole day with me and Rukh. Well, almost a whole day. People had heard things and I socialised as proper. Thatha agreed to paint yet another portrait of Sarah once we could all spare a moment. I couldn't believe it would already be the third.

It turned out that Sarah was getting more and more unwilling to sit still for any amount of time. I tried to glue her in place by threats, bribing, and plain manhandling but nothing really worked. Plus she was really good at complaining now.

"Mama, no. I want play!"

"Later, luv, please hold still just a little-" And there she was winding out of my grip like an oiled fish. I really shouldn't let Rukh teach her such things. On the other hand it was rather vital that Rukh taught her such things. "Don't you want mama to have a nice picture of you?"

"You have." She pointed.

What to do about that? Indeed I did have pictures. "But you are a baby in them. You are so much older now. A young lady."

She pondered that and with her usual ladylike grace decided that it didn't matter. "I play now. With Rukh."

I glanced at Thatha. "Did you have enough time?"

She shrugged. "I'll just get creative."

And so she did. I gave her a few recent holos for reference. Then we talked technique as she worked. There was a lot to learn. After all I had only been doing this for a short time. In the end I got my own easel out and doodled some. It ended up looking like pyramids.

Thatha tiled her head slightly. "You need a focus for the viewer," she said. "The eye strays all over the image with nowhere to rest."

I considered this for a moment and managed to paint a very ugly almost-sphinx. I even remembered to leave the nose off.

"Much better." Thatha took the time to actually improve my technique. I was very grateful. I trashed the idea to create something on reflections and decide to paint images of home. Who would know how far off the real thing I would be? Nobody, that's who. I wrote a list that included the Eiffel Tower, Statue of Liberty and that Jesus figure in possibly Rio de Janeiro. And the Acropolis, not that I had ever seen it. Nobody would notice. Eyers Rock if that was what it was called, but even if the names were all wrong, nobody would know.

It took a lot of self-control not to start bawling. But I managed by thinking happy thoughts which mostly consisted of getting to see Storm. I was still not sure what he was getting out of our deal, but I was willing to ignore that for the time being. He was still collecting favours like they'd be useful one day so I might already have been in deeper shit than anticipated.

His kids were home as well. I should have thought of that but I hadn't. I guessed I'd never learn and just left it at that. They did their best to ignore Rukh who didn't seem to notice them at all.

I felt like an intruder though Sabosen'etr'aska and Chaf'enn'daran did their best to pretend I was actually a person and not just some alien dropped accidentally in their father's flat. He had probably given them a good many instructions.

"Are your other families not missing you?" My mind was boggling again.

"As long as our father has not adopted in our stead, we are also his children," Netra explained. There was something deeply analytical about her that spoke to me. She had to explain everything, understand everything. She was also a lot better at it than me, I was sure. "So pretend do from time to time."

"And hope this torn existence will take an end one day," Fennd added. He looked neither very torn nor very sad about his existence.

My time on Csilla had not been without results, though. I managed to find a respectable reason to leave early. Storm showed me to the door. A custom I recognised for its usefulness in exchanging a few words in private.

"You look troubled."

"Just thinking," I deflected.  "Does that mean your name will vanish?" Not that it was any of my business or of any importance if it didn' t concern one of the major lines of a house.

"Possibly." His fingers shrugged almost mockingly. "But I am still young. And I can adopt."

"Will you?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"Mostly on who turns out to be mad enough to want my job among the people I like. Not to mention my assessment of their aptitude."

Right. I had been wondering about that one time or another. This impossible intertwining of family and work still made me stumble. "Anybody in sight yet?" I tried not to calculate his age against the average life expectancy of the average Chiss.

"I have my eyes on Sarah."

I wasn't sure he was mocking me. As usual, I defaulted to him making fun of me as it made my life a lot easier. Not to mention more fun. "Joker."

"I am serious," he insisted. "It takes some grooming and forming of character. I feel, I am in a good position with Sarah."

"Wouldn't your position with your own children have been a lot better?" I was still not certain if he was pulling my leg. I wished it didn't bother me, but where Sarah was concerned, I couldn't just shrug it off.

"They never do what you tell them," he replied. "You will find out."

"I think I'd better find out about other things first," I replied.

He raised hands in agreement. "You knowledge about us is still impossibly sketchy. It keeps me wondering."

"Me too." There was nothing else to say.

"You know, I think he's right," I told Rukh as we made our way back.

"About what in specific?" He asked back pointedly.

"Well, for somebody who has been prepared to come here, I knew, still know, awfully little about many things that are so important. Sometimes I wonder how that could happen."

The Noghri stopped and looked up at me. "You wonder?" He made a most derogatory gesture before moving on.

Admittedly, my primary source of information had been Thrawn. But I had had those files. I opened my mouth. Files complied by whom? I had to ask myself. I closed my mouth again and hastened after my bodyguard.

The idea that my dear, absentee husband had strictly filtered any information he had given me about his home planet was as enraging as inevitable. Not to mention consequential. He had been playing me from day one, half the time without me even noticing. Okay, most of the time without me even noticing. Maybe even all the time. Who was I to know how much sovereignty I had over my own head when he was messing with it?

“Am I even allowed to ask why he’d do that?” I wanted to know.

“Only if you answer it yourself,” Rukh growled.

Oh, I could answer that. I might be a stupid bint but I was clever enough to know how Thrawn worked. In retrospect naturally, I’d never seen things coming. "Because the effect of me learning about those things myself and here would have a more favourable impact on my commitment and development than had he told me," I surmised.

"It did work, didn’t it?"

I considered pouting and decided against it. It wouldn’t help the least. “Brilliantly,” I admitted instead. “If you disregard my intense desire to wring his neck.”

“He can live with that,” Rukh calculated for a moment, “the three hundred forty-three light-years he is away from you now.”

I snorted. As if that was not part of the problem.

There seemed to be no end to my problems. No matter how busily I kept solving them, there was always something else. And at the heart of the next annoying something, I was sure to find my annoying Admiralship again. Haunted by ghosts of the past. In a way it at least felt as if he was around.

And that is the reason I didn't update here.


	58. Chapter 57

If my own progress kept being elusive, Sarah's did not. By now she could do anything. At least that was her interpretation.

"Look, Mama!" There was no ignoring that tone. "I can write!"

And indeed, she could. The squiggles were barely legible but that came from her just starting to learn and me being not very native with Chiss handwriting even now. "Very good, luv. Can you read, too?"

"I can. I can read, Mama!" She put the paper down and stared at it in concentration. "It says," she played for time as if she hadn't just written it down, "says 'Sarah is very smart.'"

I went over and looked over her shoulder. Once you knew what to look for, the squiggles definitely spelled out that. With a little imagination it also read 'Sarah is triple red squid', 'Sarah is dusk of bold' and 'Sarah is stationary used for the sole purpose of irritating the visitor.' Attal would have a field day with this.

The only reason that 'Sarah is' stayed was names had their own alphabet. How else would you spell them? You'd need a new sign for each name. Not that some Chiss didn't prefer to spell their names with proper words if possible. Affectation knew no race.

"What did Leesa tell you to do?" I prompted her.

"She said," the small forehead scrunched up in concentration. It was not easy pushing her like that, but concessions were made for her in abundance and I could at least try to foster her development. Not that starting to write at three, or more like four, those calculations of the Chiss years gave me headaches, anyway, I felt it was bit too soon to expect miracles. I mean, more miraculous than Sarah was anyway.

"She said to look at the ends." Sarah beamed with her skills of recall. Then she looked at the ends of the lines in her writing. They were all over the places. She frowned. "The ends are bad."

It sounded so disappointed. Poor little smurf. I crouched down to hug her from behind. "They are better than the ends of my first writing," I said and dropped a kiss on her head.

"True?"

"Very true. And soon you can write much prettier than me."

"I can do that!" She lunged at the pens again, restarting the project 'My First Essay' with new enthusiasm. When I had a look at the papers later, which Sarah naturally left scattered all over the floor, the ends of her lines had improved quite a lot. Some had turned into cats, hamsters and other cute animals in the process. I wondered if that counted as fair hand.

My fair hands were covered with paint. I had taken up the challenge and tried to paint iconic buildings from planet earth. The Eiffel Tower had turned out quite recognisable and so had the pyramids. The bright yellows of that picture followed you around the room, back home and into your dreams, aka nightmares.

"I can paint, Mama! Look!"

What did I say? My smurf could do anything. "Very nice." I squinted at the picture. It might have been anything with tadpole figures in the foreground. One had possibly a body. Progress indeed. The amount of paint ending up on Sarah was also progressing even if it was fortunately in a negative direction. "What are they doing?"

"This is you, mama!" The fact that I had not recognised myself was a severe flaw in my character. "And that is me and that is Rukh. And this is the roof of the anero and this is the sky. The light comes up. And we watch from the roof."

"So this is the garden," I indicated a generally green area.

"This is the pond. And this is the stream. Here is the waterfall. You cannot see it because there is a tree in front of it."

It all made sense from a certain point of view. It also explained the tangled mass of green and blue perfectly. It had not much to do with reality, but when did art ever? "Why are we on the roof? Why not on the balcony?"

"The roof is higher. We can see better. We are closer to the light." She emphasised the point by adding white lines on the grey sky.

"That's nice." I wondered what happened to drawing the sun. Or stars, maybe a moon or two. Not that she had ever seen any. I tried not to let this get me down in front of her. I resolved to solve this problem as soon as possible instead. It couldn't be that hard to get to a place that had a decent sky, sun and stars, moons optional. It would be good for Sarah, not to mention me.

"Of course she will accompany us to Copero next year," Thkela said.

That was not what I had wanted to hear, though. The prospect of Sarah discovering the wonders of nature and open skies without me was unthinkable. Taking me along seemed to be so as well. I would not take that lying down.

I actually took it pacing. I took it to heart and couldn't let go because it bothered me so much. I complained to my husband who had no means to change it any either. He was so far away, always so far away. Even the sporadic letter didn't help. Thrawn was a knight in white armour again and one that had not wiped out the New Republic as yet, courtesy to me. He had many complaints about the inefficient way in which it ran their business, though. I could imagine.

_Now Skywalker is considering to set up is Jedi Academy in the mountains of Honoghr, a lesson in humility no doubt and constant reminder of what lengths people will go to achieve their goals._

I didn't care much where Luke set up the Academy. He was already teaching Kyp and Zeth was officially liaising for the Empire. Anyway, sooner or later they'd have to exorcise the dark guy on Yavin, so he could just have stuck with Yavin. Oh well, not my problem.

Jaori on the other hand seemed to be my problem. Funny as he might be as my personal Oberst Böckl, he obviously needed to slow down. I promised to give thought to that. The last thing I needed was a cult. I was a bad cultist and probably even a worse guru. I'd be having way too much fun.

"Why don't you just take a holiday?" Threll asked. I was obviously looking stressed.

"I don't know. Can I?"

"Why should you be unable too? Are you grounded?"

"I don't even know." I snorted gently. "I better find out."

"Your endearing incompetence is an act that is getting old slowly," he warned. "You better drop it sooner rather than later."

I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was not an act. "Soon," I promised instead. "By the end of the year, nobody should remember my alleged brilliance. I think I have done good work presenting myself as a well-meaning, trying-but-failing fool."

There was no denying that. "I hear you are setting up your second exhibition?"

"Indeed. And seeing how even the stupid can learn, this time it will coincide nicely with the visit of the So'weëran'ok."

"I wonder how many guests are actually looking forward to it."

"Apart from you and your unfathomable taste?" I shrugged. "Nobody, I guess."

"You should ask your old fart about that," Threll's eyes flashed. "I would not be so sure. As your bumbling self, your taste in art is getting its own reputation."

"As highly idiosyncratic and unreliable?"

"As an advocate of the Approach of the Heart," he corrected me. "Which is considered an act of self-assertion, surrounded by Approach of the Head friends and family as you are."

My mind went racing in several directions while my mouth was looking for an innocuous reply. "I'm not having much of a sensible head to approach anything, though, do I? According to public opinion."

Threll smiled tightly. "Indeed. Make sure you don't allow pledges for the items until I have been there."

"As you wish. It's not as if I knew what to do with the stuff in the long run anyway."

The stacks of old and ugly pictures had been disposed of discretely. I had decided not to waste materials like that again and paint only when I felt as if something would become of it. That worked more or less but at least I wouldn't suffocate in old paintings.

"I'll take that one." Storm stood in my private study scrutinising a rather bad sketch of the Television Tower of Berlin right next to the Brandenburger Tor, too. It didn't matter. The image was nice because of the dark greys of the needle-thin tower contrasting with the warm ochre tones of the gate.

"You will have to wait like everybody else," I told him adding some blue-ish green to represent the Spree.

"Indeed, I will not. There are seven favours you owe me, consider it one."

I took a deep breath. Deals like that were frowned upon. It was not polite and not socially acceptable. Not that handing out favours like trading stamps was any better. "Alright." I muted the river by surrounding and covering it with shapes in shades of grey.

"What will you do with it?"

"Keep it safe and sell it for enormous profit in a few years."

Right. Ever the optimist. But one of us had to keep their spirits up. My hand hovered over the blue for the sky. In the end it veered off towards a rainy grey much more akin to my current life.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	59. Chapter 58

For obvious reasons Sarah going to Copero with the rest of the family didn't stop bothering me. And it was not only that we'd be separated for the first time. It kept eating away at me and I found no solution that satisfied me any. My little smurf seemed to have her own troubles which was troubling in a whole new dimension.

She didn't talk about it. She talked about everything all the time except about what was bothering her. Not that I had any proof anything was actually bothering her except that nagging feeling that didn't go away. And as a mother I decided I had the right to know something was troubling my child just by feeling it. Dammit!

"It hovers over you like a personalised dark cloud," Storm commented. "You're not all here."

"Sorry." I tried to be all there for a moment which was indeed difficult. "I'm sorry."

"Would it help if I said 'it's just the sky' or something like it?"

I glared at him but my heart wasn't in it.

"Obviously not." He watched me in silence for a while. "You'll find a way."

If I hadn't slumped all the slump I was able to slump, I would have slumped some more. "I can't," I sighed. "I really just can't."

"You just need a holiday, that's all."

"The truth if I ever heard it," I sighed, attempting to smile.

"Take one."

"What?"

"You heard me," he said. "Take one. Go ahead. Do it."

"Can I?" It was an idea I hadn't even had yet.

"Why shouldn't you?" He raised a brow, wondering if that was real or faked ignorance.

I was very strict on never admitting to one or the other. My life might depend on it, and that of Sarah as well. But then, really. Why not? There wasn't a general time for everybody to take time off. The major lines of each family had set dates but everybody else seemed to go just whenever. So yeah. Why not? What was the problem? Apart from the fear that I was indeed grounded and not allowed to go anywhere.

"Where would I go?"

He flicked imaginary dust off his chest in exasperation but I kept looking at him all questions. "I don't even know if my ship is back." I bit my lip for admitting that. I would have to amend that first thing in the morning. Plus find out where such things were stored, refuelled and generally accessed for travel.

"If nothing else," Storm hesitated just long enough to be noticeable, "what about my place?"

I snorted though he did succeed at making me smile. "I wanted real skies, remember?"

"I was talking about the house on Noris." His lor'kina called me stupid but I didn't care. "Blue skies, green grass, but only a wooden hut."

I still didn't care but remembered to shut my mouth. I would have gone camping with nothing but a tarpaulin for cover. I didn't know what to say. So I just stared. "You-"

"I what?" He prompted after some silence.

"You would do that?" I couldn't add the last two words because I was failing to keep together already. Fuck.

"Indeed." He seemed annoyed at my hesitation. "I know you and Sarah, you are both insured and there isn't much to break anyway."

I stared some more and wondered how long it would take me to be able to speak without bursting into tears. Indefinite seemed a good estimation.

"I thought you would be happier about the suggestion," he said.

What to do? I took a deep breath, not that it helped much. "I am," I got out quickly, but it was too much still. Great, there went the tears. I tried to ignore them and form a coherent sentence. "Truly, I am." Oh fucking fuck, I was dissolving. Blasted bucket of eels.

"Mellanna?" The concern in his voice was too much, so was his hand on my shoulder.

"Don't!" I almost jumped several steps backwards. It was hard enough just to breathe. I didn't bother with the shaking. Everything ends. I didn't dare move. But I had to.

Carefully, I raised my eyes to look at him, aware of the wide-eyed panic on my face. I didn't touch people here. Barley a tug on the sleeve now and then. I hadn't even noticed much until now. Careless, careless, careless! I scolded myself. It was something to do. Something to think that did not involve thinking about my sorry state.

I shook my head minimally hoping he'd get it and just stayed away. What was wrong with this fucking society? Oh, I did hug Sarah and cuddle her and there was Rukh even if it was combat training. But, truth be told, I was starving for touch and hadn't even noticed. No wonder everybody as so hell-bent on art, they all had hell to sublimate.

When I was thinking more or less coherently again, I had a belated surprise concerning Storm. He was still standing where he had been, doing 'don't' as asked for. He watched me carefully, though, probably for signs of sudden combustion.

"Sorry." I tried to relax my tense muscles and ran a hand over my face.

"Will you be alright?"

The choice of words almost killed me all over again. But my designation as mother of a small child meant that I found a somewhat unused handkerchief in one of my pockets and could go on about the business of cleaning myself up. It gave me something to do and bought direly necessary time. "Possibly."

"You are still very lonely here, are you not?" He smiled.

I managed to return it. "What did you expect?"

"Well, for one thing that I will soon hear back from you on your holiday plans. There is a spare key and you will need it."

I snorted but didn't have the strength to demand an answer to the question I had actually put to him. "Right."

"And an answer on whether or not you can bring yourself to bring your daughter to the concert this week." He was still smiling. Sarah did that to him, she did it to a great many people. Even in her worrisome state. And she was old enough, reputedly, to attend musical events. Though it did mean I would have to leave early.

"I will think about it," I said. "I think so." Even if I did not want to leave soon. Parenting was something very different here and I probably had to cut a few compromises.

"And your real name." Storm's smile dropped from his face as if it had been an illusion.

When I opened my mouth to protest, his hands went up in the demand of a favour owed. Biting my lip, I told him.

I could felt his gaze scrutinising me as if that changed everything, which it might. "Right," he finally said. It wasn't much of an explanation, but I was damned if I knew what was going on in his head. I would leave him to his own deductions.

"Does it describe the same person as Mellanna Morrison does?" He finally asked

"No. Definitely not." I thought back to the woman my old name belonged to. She might have been horrified by what had become of me. Surprised, most certainly; chuffed for all the wrong reasons and too innocent. "No."

"I thought so." He was considering something or ticking off some inner check-list.

How could he abuse my derailed state for a gambit like this? But then, how could he not? It was still all politics no matter how much I wanted to thinks elsewise.

"We need to discuss this some time," Storm said. "We Chiss are so used to changing our names it will be interesting to get an outsider's perspective on it. You seem to have quite a background."

Let out a long breath. "I guess so." The prospect of arguing name changes and their impact put my mind nicely on another track. I smiled. "I shall be happy to do so any time."

Storm inclined his head. "It does not release you from giving me the other answers as soon as you can."

"I will." Had I not been teetering on the edge of tears still, I might have been tempted to hug him. It would have been worth all the disapproval in the universe. But I was to fragile to attempt it. My chrono beeped at me almost angrily, reminding me of my other responsibility. "Sorry."

"The day Sarah fails to be more important than me, I will abandon you." He was smiling again.

I bowed and left. He'd be my undoing. I was pretty certain of that. On the other hand, he was also my – what was the opposite of undoing? I'd have to think about it. But first I would have to think about my unhappy smurf. I was still not sure what was eating away at her and that was, naturally, eating away at me. Little smurfs were supposed to be happy and carefree. This bastard society would tear them to pieces soon enough.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	60. Chapter 59

At breakfast my capable daughter explained to me in great detail that she could eat and how the cutlery worked and what things were and how she knew everything there was to know.

"Don't want to go," she suddenly said.

"Where, luv? Pre-school?" I was hoping that she had finally enough of stewing in her own unhappiness and allowed me access. Though I wasn't even sure what I could do. I was just a mother, not god. I wondered how big the difference was during the first years.

She nodded. It was heartening to see how she used normal body language towards me.

"Why not? Did something happen?" She had not said a thing. That was in itself more worrying than anything that could have happened. I remembered very well the incidents where I had not said a thing. There wasn't a single one among them I'd allow my daughter to suffer through.

"No. Don't want to go."

She played with her food. I could not think of anything worse. "Do you want to go tomorrow?"

"No."

"The day after?"

"No."

"Don't you think they will miss you?"

"No." It was a very small sound accompanied by not so small tears.

I was beginning to guess what was going on. It had been a long time coming, so long that I had begun to hope it wouldn't happen. And it was nothing I would get around, nothing that would go away. And absolutely nothing I could do.

"Do you want to go to school?"

The hope in her eyes was killing me.

"Yes."

"Do Thoreb, Thalte, Thunor and Thelba go to school now?"

"Yes."

I picked her up and cradled her on my lap. That she didn't even protest was sign enough how badly this affected her. "Did Leesa say why you did not go with them?"

She shook her head defiantly. Poor sod.

"Then I must tell you, don't I?"

"Want to go to school. Don't want why."

She knew. And she knew I knew she knew. Not that that helped any. "I'm sorry, luv." I kissed her temple. “You are not ready yet."

"But everybody goes!"

"And you will go, too."

"When?"

"When you can read and write well."

"I can read. I can write."

"Well?"

"Yes," Sarah said stubbornly.

"As well as Thunor can?"

Her lips began to wobble. "But they all go. Only me not. And they say, and they say," she hiccuped, "I am stupid."

"You are not, Sarah." I stroked her hair. "You-"

"And useless," she added in a whisper. "Waste of space."

Where to start with all that. I held her tightly. "You are not stupid, Sarah. Never believe that. You are a very clever girl. You are much more clever than I was your age. I could not read until I was five or write until I was six."

She snuffled, but obviously being better at everything than her mother didn't count for anything. "You are just slower, luv, that is all. And it is all my fault."

"How?" She looked up at me.

"Because you are not only like them, you are also like me. You are my daughter. Even if you look little like me." I held my arm against hers, pink against blue.

She stared at it for a moment, then she touched her eyes. "Why?"

"Because you papa is Chiss and I am human. And you are both. Thunor is only Chiss and so are Thalte and Thoreb."

"Chiss is better." She said.

"No, not better," I objected immediately. "Not better. Different." I raked my head for something she would understand to get my point across. "Do you remember animal studies from last week?"

She nodded. Even when her world was breaking apart, she was still the girl that could do everything somewhere under it all. I wondered what I had done right to have a daughter that delighted in understanding and knowing everything. "Mice."

"Yes, good. There were many different mice. What is your favourite mouse?"

She thought for a moment. I had her off the misery track for now and hoped to get her back onto it with a better coping mechanism. "Hop mouse."

"They are very cute with their huge feet and tufted tail. And they can jump very high."

"They jump high. As high as I."

"As high as you, indeed. You're a little hop mouse, are you?" I tickled her. "My little hop mouse."

She tried to jump up and down despite being firmly cradled in my lap. "Hop mouse! I am a hop mouse."

I felt I should have established my premise before getting to the point, but the time to be a perfect mother was over. Damn. You didn't get a second chance at crisis-parenting. I'd just have to roll with it and hope it'd still work somewhat. The twists I put into my poor little smurf. "And you remember the sprint mice? Very fast runners."

Sarah nodded. "Fastest mouse ever. I know. They have legs like this," she gesticulated wildly, "and can run forever and forever. Faster than felinx. Faster than everybody. Only not faster than me."

"Because you can run like the wind." I couldn't help cuddling her. Life was a fucking mix of ups and downs and I'd sure not put any more downs into hers than I had to. "Chiss are like sprint mice, they are very fast. They learn fast and they grow fast. Much faster than you."

"I am not a sprint mouse?"

"No, you're a hop mouse. You said you are, remember?"

Her face scrunched up in thought. "I can be both?"

"Sorry, luv, you can be only one."

"And if I am sprint mouse?"

"Then Chiss would be hop mice." I rocked her gently. "But you can chose. Hop or sprint. Your choice."

"Then hop mouse. They are cuter."

"A hop mouse you are then. And Chiss are sprint mice. Okay?"

"Okay." She was wary, still. Good girl. "As a hop mouse you cannot be as fast as them. Hop mice jump, they do not run. But is the hop mouse stupid because it is not so fast?"

Serious thinking was happening behind her small forehead. "Hop mouse doesn't need to run fast," she finally decided.

"If you put it with sprint mice, will it outrun them?"

"No. Mama!" Her indignation was palpable.

"Does that make it a bad hop mouse?" Keep going, I told myself. Just keep going and hope it works. I had no other similes.

Sarah shook her head, but defiantly.

"Different does not mean bad," I said into her hair. "It means different. As you are. As I am."

"What mouse are you?" Her hands took hold on me.

"I am not even a mouse," I told her. "I would be a rat, big fat rat, no good at running or jumping."

"Mama!" Here was my daughter scolding me again.

"Okay a house mouse. Still not very fast or a very good jumper." I ruffled her hair.

"What is it house mice do good?" Sarah wanted to know. She turned to look at me.

If only I was able to explain the whole world in this fun little comparison. Well, maybe I could. "They are good at living in places where they are unwanted. So," I changed the subject quickly, "what do you want to do today?"

She squirmed off my lap and climbed her own chair, starting to eat again. "Today Leesa will show me how to make colours from colours." She nodded. "I know how to make colours and Leesa shows me."

I wondered when she would be getting her first lessons in logical arguments, but as far as I was concerned, it could wait.

"Okay, luv. Finish up and we can get ready to go." She didn't need any further prompting. I just wondered how long this would last and when I would have to find an even better explanation for her. She was very intelligent; it couldn't be that long.

When I had dropped her off at pre-school I made a tactic round of short visits. I didn't expect most of the people to be at home, but it would suffice that somebody was and my personal appearance to deliver the invitation to my next exhibition would be noted. Good.

Back home I stared at the collection of paintings. So this was all that was left of planet earth. Huh. I had done an extremely bad job keeping its memory intact. Well, too late now. And this exhibition was strategic rather than anything. I had taken special care creating a vibrant, green jungle around the towering great figure of a badly drawn, towering Jesus statue. There were splatters of bronze scattered among the leaves as if random and possibly part of the blossoming flora. What had I been thinking? Well, too late now. Only time would tell if the gambit would work. I sighed and called Threll.

"I already made space." He indicated the wall behind him. Indeed, the painting he had taken along last time was gone. Whatever he had done with that. Or whatever wall he was sitting in front of now.

"Are you still certain you won't grant me a preview?"

"Dead certain."

"I hope not."

"On both accounts?"

"Or either. I really need to find a way to spend more time on Csilla. It's unacceptable that Storm should be the only one to grift favours from you."

"You are welcome any day of the week." I smiled.

"You will hear from me."

I was counting on that. The arrival of the So'weëran'ok was coming closer and closer and he had still not formally confirmed his attendance. Well, it was nothing I could change. So I turned my attention to things I could influence.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	61. Chapter 60

By the time the So'weëran'ok was ready to leave, Threll had been in Csapla a few days and visited already.

"I'll take that one." He picked the impossibly yellow pyramids.

I was just glad he hadn't chosen the same painting as Storm. Though seeing those two fighting over it might have been fun. "Alright. I'll see that the bidding goes in your favour."

Now it was him with the questioning plastered all over his lor'kina and I chose to ignore it. "Anything else I should be prepared for?" He finally asked.

"At the reception?" I gave it some thought. "Sarah running around and making a nuisance of herself and a mess of everything else." That sounded about right.

"That time already?"

Unlike everybody else, Threll didn't seem to know or care much about child development and how Sarah was continuously behind on it. Maybe not having kids did that to you. I was not sure I remembered. "Yes," I couldn't help smiling. "And be informed that she can do anything. But she will surely tell you so herself. Repeatedly."

"Am I allowed to call her out on it?" There was a mischievous tone in his voice.

"Only if you do not scar her for life."

"I can do that."

Maybe I should have shortened the time span a little more. But I hadn't so I would have to trust Threll not to do something unforgivable. Not that he would have much time to. Sarah was much better handling the masses of Chiss attending the farewell reception than any daughter of mine could be expected to.

Okay, she was also the daughter of Thrawn, but his skill in handling people was not to turn them into gushing fans. Well. In universe. Most of the time. Oh dear. Though under-endowed with abilities for her age, Sarah convinced everybody she met that she could do anything. Or at least got them to shut up about how deficient she was.

It was difficult for me to just let her run wild, but what could I do? There was a house full of Chiss and all would have an eye out for her. She was not the only child about either and I had my own entertainment duties to fulfil. Chiss parenting kept worrying me.

It kept nagging at me even when I had my hands full. And usually my mouth. Everybody seemed to want to know about the depicted monuments in detail and also from me personally. Having my exhibition coincide with the visit of the So'weëran'ok and its farewell reception had been a clever idea. Handing out many invitations out personally had been clever. Referencing my own heritage had been clever.

In the end all this cleverness amounted to an unheard of amount of talking I had to do. I barely got a foot away from the part of the room where the paintings hung. That annoyed me a little. It was not as if I hadn't seen the pictures Thatha had chosen to display. But all the performing arts went right past me.

At least Sarah knew where to find me. "Mama!" She whizzed through the crowd like a targeted missile. She held a flute grasped in one hand, waving it around in a way that made me worry she'd skewer herself or somebody in her path. The crowd eddied around her until she came to a panting stop before me. I could make out an adult figure following more calmly.

"What is it, luv?" I ran a hand through her hair to tidy up the mess a little as I crouched down. "Is that a flute?"

She nodded fiercely, still trying to get her breath back. "Mary said I can have it. I can play it, too. Mary said she will teach me."

I was careful not to raise a brow. Especially when 'Mary' appeared behind Sarah and turned out to be actually mar'enot Mitth'ina'keron, third generation of the So'weëran'ok. It would still be a few years until she came into the leading role of the branch. Still I doubted she would be around enough to actually teach Sarah. Except maybe through distance teaching. And the first part of her adress was probably her title not her name. Mary indeed.

"Welcome Mitth'ina'keron," I greeted her. We had not been formally introduced yet and now was an awkward time to amend that. Chiss protocol had contingency protocols for everything though. She accepted the greeting and indicated my flute-clutching daughter.

"She showed great interest in my performance and some talent with the instrument. I hear she has not chosen an art yet?"

I turned a little more towards her. Finally somebody who did not want to know about the pyramids. "She chooses every day, Mitth'ina'keron. Most days the choice is a different one. I think she will stay with something some day, though."

"She will be late to start if she does not decide soon." Red eyes fell on my daughter adding that it would not the only and certainly not the last thing Sarah would be late with.

I sighed inwardly. "She is her own kind and will go her own way." Then I gave in to the insistent tugging at my tunic.

"I can keep it. Can I? Say I can keep it."

"Of course, Sarah," I smiled at her. "It was a gift for you. I hope you were polite?"

She nodded, almost bouncing with happiness. "I said thank you. I can do that. All the right words."

"That's good." I cast a glance at Thinak before praising my daughter to make sure she did not mix up something again. "Very well, luv. And when will you practice?"

"Every day," she said earnestly. “Mary said I have to."

"Then I will help you remember." I gave her hair another attempt at straightening. "And you will contact us if you find time to instruct her?" I asked Thinak.

The Chiss watched my child closely before nodding. "If she keeps with it. I have no time to waste on drop-outs."

"Of course not." I wished Sarah wasn't so fickle in her interests, but I had been that young once and I remembered. Admittedly, I had not gotten all that set in my interests until rather late in my life. Having a teacher who was not core family might help keep Sarah's interest up. We made arrangement for after her arrival back on Copero. By then, Sarah had already run off with her new flute, waving it precariously again.

"Can it be used as a weapon?" I asked Thinak.

She considered me for a moment. "It cannot. Why would it?"

I thought of the bes'bev and kept my mouth shut. When my absentee husband was finally back, I'd take Sarah on a nice long trip. And if she was still playing the flute, maybe one that could stab the heart literally and metaphorical would hold some appeal for her. We would see.

For now I managed to escort Thinak to the outskirts of my exhibition before a visitor cut in and sent me back into the endless loop of my past. I wondered if it would still be a painful subject after this was through or if it would just be painful in a different way. My throat was sore and I made sure I got a drink before launching into another explanation.

The only thing that did manage to pry me away from my little corner of the festivities was Storm, naturally. He refused, this time outright, to play unless I was present. It was a sweet little piece dedicated to the new arrival coming from an old friend. It was generally agreed that this meant Sarah.

I took advantage of the situation to dally and listen to Thorra's latest composition, finally played by a quintet of strings and flutes as intended. For a no-nonsense person like her, it felt surprisingly soft and romantic.

I made my strategic stop at one of the buffet tables where I ran into Attal. He seemed to be enjoying himself quite well. His lor'kina was dancing as he kept arguing through it with Thirba even as we talked. I wished I could join them and talk poetry for a while instead of blurry history and architecture.

But that was not to be. I needed to find a way to turn paintings into poetry. But not tonight. I intercepted Sarah and managed to manoeuvre her towards our rooms. She was cranky and still holding on to her flute. It took some doing to get her ready for bed and the flute was to stay on her bedside table.

The only reason it did not end up in her bed was that I managed to scare her that it might break. Sarah was unwilling to lose her new prize. In her head, she was already a star flutist. In my opinion it beat major general by miles which had been her last chosen profession.

“If you sleep now, you will be awake again soon and then I will show you the first notes." I kissed her, thanked god for my own years of lessons with a recorder and prayed this one worked similarly.

Rukh appeared out of the shadows silently. "Everybody is watching you," he growled. "And Sarah, but to a lesser degree."

People watching Sarah made me uneasy. It was part of the social structures here, but that didn't mean I approved. People watching me was intentional. The list of names my bodyguard had for me was very informative if a little disappointing. Well, I had wanted it that way.

I listened to the names Rukh gave me and considered each. We did not have much time returning to the reception even taking an extra moment to check on Sarah and make sure she was soundly asleep.

"I'll slip Fushi an almost successfully hidden emotion," I decided. "I don't think Thkent will believe another slip in lor'kina from me today. She knows me too well and knows it doesn’t usually happen to me much any longer."

"What instead?" Rukh asked.

It was a good question I didn't have an answer for. I needed to find a general solution to this. People who knew me a little still knew me too well not to notice inconsistencies. I could not tell all of them what I was up to. I didn't even tell Storm more than the basic outline of my plan.

"Maybe I can use benign prejudice," I mused. "They are family and as such trying to see progress, maybe even more than there is."

"It might work," Rukh agreed.

I thought about it some more and stopped with my hand on the handle. "And everybody knows I am trying to win over Attal and am on my best behaviour for him. Same for Storm."

"A dangerous path. You will offend people."

"I thought that was the sole reason for my existence?" I ignored his derisive reaction. For a stupid bodyguard his lor'kina could be quite biting.

Still, he was right. If I used the amount of slips in my body language to indicate a person's importance to me that might lead to bad blood. I would have to make sure it was the right kind of bad blood.

My first victim was Chaf'ush'init. I managed an impeccable conversation right up to the point where he used a correct but not benign pronoun. It was a small slip, showing my disapproval while also letting him know, I considered it all to be his fault. Naturally he was not amused. But that was my job anyway.

And that was just the start and also the reason I didn't update.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * [Imagine something like this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39x0Ypi4gTc)


	62. Chapter 61

There was no blood after all during the event. At least not in the literal sense; Chiss were just too cultured to smack each other in the face. This was also a family kind of gathering so intruders were rare. Or in a minority and they didn't dare challenge.

I managed to work off almost everybody from Rukh's list and would have been faster if Attal hadn't kept arguing with me about the jungle painting. He was sure seeing things others didn't. The adjusted approach seemed to be working well enough. Once again the lights went on before the reception ended. I got myself some very strong tea, a very cold shower, and into Sarah's room again.

It seemed to be a shame to wake her. She slept peacefully, her hands curled up and her mouth slightly open. She also looked as if she had not a care in the world. Which was a lie already. I stroked her head gently. I could not protect her forever. I had actually already failed at protecting her.

So what would another day of getting up early do that was worse? And, come to think of it, life was nothing but a row of days you had to get up early on. Not that I ever got the hang of it. Let me, and I'll happily sleep past noon.

"Good morning, luv." There was some indignant mumbling but I was without mercy. I coaxed Sarah out of bed and into the bathroom with promises of flute lessons and that she would be allowed to take it to preschool with her. If she went, which meant getting all clean and ready. Since I was not really up to any form, this took longer than usual.

I dropped her off and made Leesa promise she wouldn't allow Sarah to impale anybody with her instrument. Or break eardrums. I was assured that one of the teachers could actually play the instrument well enough and it would be a pleasure to teach my smurf. I left an excited child behind and just hoped she'd be tired by the time I collected her again. Unlike me.

I browsed through the cards and calls before dropping back into bed like a stone. There had been nothing warranting immediate action.

_"Oh, you think so?" His eyes bore into me. "You are dawdling again."_

_How can I disagree. I stretch out on the soft grass and feel it ripple in the wind. A luxurious sun is streaming down from an impeccably blue sky. I don't want to leave again. The air is so nice. I can hear Sarah not far away. She squeals in delight, splashing around._

_"But there is still so much time," I say and blink into the light. His silhouette is dark against it._

_"There is not." He bends down, his face almost touching mine. I rest a hand against it. Why is he so far away. But I have time. Just a little. Just a little longer._

Rukh kept shaking me and telling me to get up. His phrases turned increasingly coarse if I could judge that from my basic Honoghran.

"I am awake, what more do you want?" I tried to roll over without rolling out of the bed which turned out to be impossible. I was snuggled up against the backrest of the sofa in my private chambers. Well, I had gotten that far.

It took sometime to rub the crust from my eyes and get a somewhat clear view. I felt the sudden urge to take a long shower and maybe put on different clothes. Had I actually brought Sarah to preschool in my semi-formal robes? What would people be thinking? I hoped to remember that for later perusal.

"And how is your angle progressing?" I asked Thara once a basic cleaning of my person had put in in an almost presentable state again.

"We are executing missions pushing at the limits of current policy and build on their success," Thara replied. "The more common we can make non-defensive strategies, the easier they will be to formally introduce."

"Your argument being?"

"There is a whole galaxy out there. You are proof of that, so was the expedition destroyed decades ago. It won't wait for us to find it, it will find us. And where will that leave us?"

"Vulnerable to all sides," I agreed. "So far the galaxy I know has left you alone. But once it takes interest-"

"Which your presence here will certainly spark," she interrupted me.

I had not thought about that yet. Sure, Luke might wonder a little and maybe every now and then Jaing might think what happened to the useless brick he lugged around and through a whole battle. But on top of that I was the absentee empress of whatever Empire Thrawn had established by now. What story did my virtual subjects get fed about my absence?

"Probably," I agreed cautiously. Thrawn wouldn’t let things get out of hand. Right? How useful would a mob clamouring for me be anyway? And for what?

I decided that I would be happier if I didn't know. But yes, there were likely people wondering where I was and if that was a nice place to be. Or lucrative. "There might be trouble with the more adventurous elements unwilling to wait for official channels to open."

"We have to be prepared," she said. "And from experience I am not sure our policies will hold them at bay."

Them. It was nice to be excluded from the ravaging hordes but strange not to belong to the known universe anymore. Was I now generally chissified or was it a strategic expression. Us versus them. And I was 'us' now. Or at least I'd better be.

Well, I would be them and then I would beat them all. At their own game. And they would like it.

It was a great little motivational speech. I kept repeating it to myself and some days I already believed it.

"No, they won't," I agreed. "Having the means to repel them before they can do any harm will make a decisive difference. They tend to strike hard if they plan to get into new territory. Humans. I guess we'll never change.

"I assume the supporters and opponents of a further opening of the Ascendancy fall closely along the lines of implementing the new military policies?"

"Indeed." Thara shook her head, a polished and studied gesture. Some people were indeed preparing to interact with humans. What a time to be a Chiss.

"You're ready, aren't you?" I asked. "All that space beyond the Ascendancy and House Mitth ready to control it all."

"We could never do that," she objected. "House Mitth has too many responsibilities to run off into space like that."

It didn't take much imagination to think which responsibilities the House could do without and who would happily chip in to help with that. Nobody here was in this for the simple return of my husband. That was just a nice extra in case it worked out.

But what had I expected? Csilla, the whole Ascendancy, was running on politics and, it seemed, intrigue and plotting. Like gasha with real houses and real people. And as in the game, the abilities of each actor depended heavily of the pieces surrounding them. It was no less mind-boggling than the board game and that I had only been playing with five colours.

I was so doomed. And my motivational speech was suddenly out of reach. Shabla fucking Chiss and their buckets of eels. "I understand." What else could I say. I did understand only too well.

"That is what we hoped. Apart from your expertise on dealing with humans." There was a slightly mocking slant on her lor'kina.

But again, what could I say? My way of dealing with humans tended to be to ignore them unless that was absolutely impossible. "You will need more approaches than they have political systems. And time," I added after a short pause. “Because the New Republic is a huge, unwieldy democracy. Maybe try the Hutts instead. They will do about anything for money." Or Mandalorians. I didn't add that out loud.

"I am sure your outsider knowledge will prove valuable." She had so many double edged nuances in her body language that I didn't dare trying to read it in-depth.

"I will do what I can." I could not reciprocate that many ambiguities, but I tried. The way she framed the 'outside knowledge' made me wonder if anybody had been unable to keep their mouth shut and what to do about it.

I was rather happy when Thara had left again because that meant, I could pretend the fucking ugly tapestry of Chiss politics didn't exist or at least didn't concern me.

Instead I could make up happy scenarios in which I grilled my Admiralship over a low heat until he confessed having leaked my origin. Sometimes I really wondered how we'd get along now that I had learnt so much about the Chiss. I feared that 'not as well as before' was the best outcome with 'absolutely horribly' as a close second.

I was cut short in my musings by the comm. It was Threll, looking smug as a Chiss could, which was very. This time my painting was not glaring at me from behind him. I was grateful. The idea anybody wanted to hang up that stuff still surprised me. But as predicted, there had indeed been interest in purchasing this time.

"How are things going in outer space?" I asked him.

"Busy as ever and as interesting." He indicated a change of subject but before he was even half into the motions, the connection flickered out.

That again. I pulled myself up to parade height and set up an impeccable lor'kina. I saw Okara rarely enough and didn't want to make a worse impression on her than absolutely necessary. Despite everything, I liked her.

"I see you are still holding my bloodson in close thrall," she admonished me for a greeting. "How am I ever going to marry him off?"

"I have a sister," I volunteered.

Ar'anasi flicked that of with mock disgust. "Even older than you and likely too far away to be of any use."

I was ready to defend my sister, though we did have little in common. Then I considered how futile that would be and let it slip. "I can try to set him up with somebody the next time he visits," I offered instead. "There are many eligible women among my acquaintances. Take Csapla'tta'lernek's first cousin, graded twice, Csapla'nni'eren. Very smart and shares his passion for exotic people and drama."

"The last I heard she was not convinced that expansion will do the Ascendancy any good," Okara objected.

"Give her a husband she'll be happy to see far away and it might change."

I watched her eyes flash. "You have a dangerous mind."

I smiled and raised my hands a little. "Please do keep the secret. I have worked hard to appear stupid."

"So I have heard and that is what we need to have some words about."

I prepared to defend my approach fully again but it didn't come to that. Instead I got a plethora of tips on being invisible and staying invisible when interesting conversation was going on. It seemed that not all former girlfriends were horrible. Or it might have been because she had been a fiancée and was now married anyway.

"You just take care and keep your ears open," she said. "I am wondering what you will find."

That made me wonder as well but at least I was not alone in thinking I would find something. Or something useful for getting my husband back. So far she seemed to be the only one having that on her agenda as well. I told her that.

"Oh, Lanna," she almost sighed. "Has Thrawn taught you nothing after all?"

I was still mulling over those words when she was gone and static flickered across the screen like a snowstorm. Thrawn had been teaching me a lot of things and most of them unpleasant. Why had I married him again? It wasn't as if, well, maybe, I didn't think about it. Much. And he sure had reasons for this that were not at all- oh. Okay. Point taken.

I had just enough time to gather my surprised jaw from the floor before Threll was back. "You look floored, my dear."

"Your bloodmother tends to have that effect."

"You don't have to tell me," he grinned. "I grew up with her."

"And look what that did to you." I was tempted to blow him a raspberry.

He looked up and down himself and ran his fingers through a long shrug. "Any way I can help you get back to normal?"

"Well," I turned my head and hands in fake surprise, "I am not sure but give me a moment to think about it." It wasn't that much had happened since he left but that never stopped us from gossiping.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	63. Chapter 62

In the aftermath of the reception my life started to revolve around paintings. My paintings, to be more precise and the selling of them. If you could call it selling. People wanted them and it was up to me to decide if they deserved them or had to pay for them in one form or another. It was all horribly complicated and it was clear I was about to insult various Chiss again.

Storm got his Berlin parody without any questions and Threll had taken the yellow pyramids of doom. That left another eight paintings to be distributed and each had more than one interested Chiss. And depending on who got what I had to make sure that others got other things and that not only did I give the paintings to those I liked but also those I needed. And not insult anybody bad enough to cause talk.

I sat with images of the Chiss and my paintings on the floor of the shared parlour. Sarah was busy distributing the faces to the images, explaining herself all the time. I listened only with one ear, because the other was taken by Thkela. She was lecturing me on the appropriate way to deliver the paintings once I had decided who got what.

Sarah was complaining that there was no image of Storm who surely deserved a painting as well.

"You paint him something, what about that, luv?"

"Yes. I can paint. I paint dardar-" she hesitated. "What do I paint dardar?"

I pulled some paper from a drawer and gave it to her with a few pens. "I don't know. Try things out. Paint the best of your ideas."

Thkela watched, pausing in her remarks. "She really needs to concentrate on her future art more. She is so late."

"I'm afraid she doesn't concentrate long enough to really develop anything yet," I said. "She is still practising with the flute, but only because Mitth'ina'keron keeps giving her lessons through the comms."

"This is not about things being exciting," Thkela said. "Learning commitment to something you love is the best first step."

I did not ask what the next steps were and to what my daughter would have to commit herself. "I don't want her to end up like me," I replied. "Stuck on the first thing striking her fancy."

Thkela gave me a long hard look. I wondered what she thought I was referring to. But from a certain point of view, painting was just that. I had started with that and only discovered writing as a passion later. Or it might have been that everybody tried to tell me how to draw/paint/art whereas I could do whatever I pleased with words.

Not that I could do that anymore. I did not sigh and held Thkela's gaze. "I might not be painting now, if I had waited just a little longer. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it makes me sad. But it is what it is. I want better for my daughter."

The iron gaze powered down and turned to Sarah. "I heard you teaching her some melodies on the flute," Thkela said softly. "I did not know you could play."

I did not tell her that playing the flute was not my arts pain. What would be the use? "It was called a saxophone," I said instead. "I was told to try the flute instead. I was quite good with it, but I never longed to play as much as I did long for the saxophone." I let my eyes wander over the amateurish paintings scattered on the floor. "It's important to love what you do."

Thkela did not object to that and Sarah was free to try out whatever pleased her. For another while. I watched her busily sketching things she thought Storm might like and wondered how you realised a child had a thing for landscape gardening. Or drama. How did you even write dialogue at that age?

I hoped it would not be my problem. I hoped Sarah would really like the flute and stick with it. Or drawing. She did a lot of that and liked it. I wasn't sure what the policy was about following the same art one of your parents had but it had to happen sometimes. Just like some bloodchildren also became the meritchildren of their own parents. The distinction made less and less sense the longer I stayed on Csilla.

"What did you expect?" Storm was escorting me home after an especially long Nuruodo recital as his way led him past our district anyway. Or so he claimed. It wasn't true strictly speaking, but I liked the nocturnal walks and he was good company. Better company than most of my nocturnal thoughts for sure.

I was almost sleepwalking. "Well, you all keep on ranting about your pretty meritocracy. I didn't think you'd all of you be lying."

He chuckled. "But we are not, Lanna. Not to you, not to ourselves. We know."

"Know what?" That the meritocracy worked only sketchily? That blood still mattered? That nobody was even really sure where he belonged? It didn't feel like it. It felt more like a double binding gone somewhat askew.

"That we are bound by blood and honour," Storm replied. "It makes for interesting alliances and an interesting life."

May you live in interesting times. I almost scoffed. "How do you estimate which bond is stronger?" I wanted to know. "How do you know whom to trust?"

"Oh, that one is easy." His hand came to rest on my shoulder and almost made me stumble. "Nobody."

Now I did scoff. "Nobody can live like that. The uncertainty would kill anybody."

"Which is why you fail." The hand was removed. "The only trust is in your spouse as they have the same goal you have. Everybody else is only aligned to your path."

"And this you teach your children?" I couldn't believe it. "And this you live by?"

"The best we can." His eyes flashed in the dim light of the night.

It occurred to me that maybe their best wasn't good enough. From what I was puzzling together, they might indeed be way off target. "Well, it still seems to work better than what I have seen of democracies gone wrong."

"Then you have not seen much."

I turned to him. We had reached the anero and over time he had learnt I'd just enter through the main entrance if he tried to follow to the private one. It was where I drew the line. We were not dating. And he didn't need know how often I went into the garden first to sit beside the pond and ponder those fucking nocturnal thoughts anyway.

"I am not sure I want to see more then." I let my shoulders sag but accompanied it with a real sigh because there wasn't much drooping left to be done. "You're all so stubbornly complicated. I'd rather unknot a bucket of eels."

"You do not have to untangle us, Mellanna." He flicked the invisible dust of exasperation of his tunic, putting his hand on my shoulder in the same motion. Its weight seemed to push me right into the ground. "Just rearrange the knots a little."

"No." I flicked my fingers in refusal, making use of the motion as he did, putting my hand over his. "If necessary, I will use a Gordian solution, but I will not tie myself the way you do." I gently pried his hand off. " _Umor_.*" My hand dropped his and came to rest on my hidden dagger.

"I can see you got the stubbornness down pat already, at least." His voice was still full of humour. "I shall watch with interest."

"You are too invested in this to simply watch." I grinned.

We ran through the formal goodbye and it felt nice. It was one of the rare occasions I actually got to touch people. Some wore gloves, admittedly, but hey, nothing was perfect. I leant against the motha and watched no stars or moon mirrored in the dark water of the silent pond. No breeze rippled its surface; it lay black and silent in the dim glow from the lanterns beyond the garden.

The bark was rough against my face. I wished the tree would bloom again and drown out all sensation with its heavy scent. I'd have to wait another six months for that though. Another six months and I'd be here for three years; more using a normal calendar which I had stopped even trying. Whatever had I done in those years worth mentioning? Proved myself to be stupid. Now that should have been quicker. I rubbed my cheek against the trunk.

I had raised a formidable daughter. At least using my standards. Everybody else seemed to consider her the slowpoke of the planet. And who would she end up believing? Her own mother or everybody else? I knew what my choice had been. How did you even raise children to be confident?

I stopped to watch Sarah sleep for a while. It was more calming than the still pond and still more worrying. Was this normal? To worry all the time? I guess I needed more sleep. And a holiday. Definitely some time off. I checked the calendar in my study to reassure myself it was only five more weeks until I got my holiday.

As I stared at the days that would not trickle by fast enough, I realised the drawer was open half an inch. I closed my eyes and took out the letter, feeling the paper between my fingers for a long while. There would not be enough personal stuff in it, I knew. But then, how much personal stuff did I send?

I carried the letter with me, running my fingers over the paper. Paper that had been touched, or so I assumed, by my cursed Admiralship. I sat down cross-legged on top of the towering bed, staring at the envelope. It was slightly rough, making a nice solid sound under my fingertips. Lifeline to – well, I wasn't quite sure. To my life wasn't really correct anymore. Most of my life was here now, with Sarah. With the House, my new friends, if I could call them that. Well, I did anyways.

What was it, that I was holding onto on the other end of this? What good did it do me? What good had it ever done? Who did I think I was fooling? The letter sailed across the room and landed rather gently on the floor in a corner.

I just wanted to be loved. That wasn't asking too much was it? Though actually, come to think about it, I wanted to _feel_ loved. There was a huge gap between those I never really had thought about before. Let's just say for convenience sake my Admiralship actually did love me. What good did that do? How would I even know? I mean, hell. Did I even know now?

Since that way madness lay and I had enough of that in my life already, I tried to go down another track. He had made me feel loved. Now and then. Probably at the tactically important moments. And that had worked well enough. After all I was here, planning world domination. Maybe feeling loved wasn't the answer either.

I wondered if there _was_ an answer.

Knowing you were loved did probably help. Not that there was knowing anything where Thrawn was concerned. Why had I walked right into this trap again? Intelligence kink. Uniform kink. Guys with black hair kink. Guys with glowing eyes kink. Not to mention that a series of rather tactile memories added the flesh to those kinks. Also, he made me. I guessed.

I had happily forgotten how I had come to think unkind thought about my absentee husband again but that was fine. I felt fine enough to sleep. That was always good. There was a fluffy blanket wrapped around me that with a lot of imagination held a ghost of the scent of home. Funny that my home was literally a chimaera. _The_ _Chimaera_.

Fuck that bloody Grand Admiral. If only. The blanket came down over my head blanking out the world.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Expresses total refusal


	64. Chapter 63

Maybe I would not have forgotten about it so easily if the invitations for the Unity Day Reception hadn't arrived. It was quite an achievement to receive an official one and not be on the backlist for once. I stared at the small card in my hand. It had no sign from where it came, but that was all the address you needed. There was only one event that didn't sport colours on its invitation.

"You know how to make a man jealous," Attal sighed at the other end of the comm. "Do you have a Plus One? I volunteer."

"My friend," I gave him one of my rebellious human smiles, "by the time I have worked my way up to a Plus One, I will have to take Sarah with me."

"It will not take you that long."

"She is growing up fast."

His lor'kina bespoke the usual doubt on that subject but I brushed it away. "Will you still have a moment for me before you go into a sulk?"

"It will depend on your request."

"Do you remember my jungle painting 'Rio'?"

"How could I forget?" His eyes were narrowing.

"It's all yours if you are still interested."

He let out a rather endearing curse.

"I take that for a yes." I grinned. It had been a nasty move from beginning to end, but that was how social seemed to work here. "When do you want me?"

"If you could move your sorry eels over here right now..."

I glanced at the chrono and calculated. "If you can live with an offensively short visit. I have to collect Sarah soon."

He actually thought about it. "Leave it," he finally said. "I'll send you an invitation."

And so he did. My first private invitation to the Csapla district. Yes, I was getting what I wanted. And yes, so far nobody seemed to be noticing.

"Finally getting the hang of timing your calls, are you?" Storm commented. "High time, young lady. It is after all only the first step."

I did not stoop to tell him that the reason Attal was so keen to have the painting was not the subject or even its vibrant colour. Neither was making that much sense anyway. No, he wanted it because of the words. O yes. Attal was seeing words in the thick foliage of the jungle. Hints of bronze in the green. My work was paying off.

Only somebody routinely used to reading fine patterns in bronze and fixated on words would have noticed. Or so I hoped. At least nobody else had commented on it. Either they had not seen it or just noted the message was not for them and left it at that. I would probably never know.

"So what next?" I asked Storm.

"Your robes." Any trace of humour had left his voice.

"I do not understand." I had robes, very formal ones even and I intended to keep them. My head tilted back slightly in an unspoken challenge. I did not intend to change a single thing about them.

"Have you considered at least a pattern in shadow stitching?" If he told me out loud, it was indeed serious. But so was I.

"I have. And I rejected the idea of change." I shook my head slightly away from him. I knew and understood all the reasons but they didn't go the direction I wanted.

"Maybe you should consider again." His lor'kina was imploring.

It was no fun to disagree with Storm but in this I had no choice. "I am sorry," I said. "The day I change my colours will mark the day of serious changes. Right now, nothing has changed."

He regarded me for a long moment. "What change will be big enough for you, I wonder."

I smiled, sitting down next to him. "The successful implementation of my plans," I said. "The day I know I have done all I can to effect the return of Thrawn."

"A day long in the coming."

"I hope not." I really did. I wasn't too happy about Sarah growing up without her father. She began to ask intelligent questions and I had no answers but the truth. It was ugly overall.

"The only positive thing I can think of," he replied," is that if I don't see it coming, so won't anybody else."

"My thoughts exactly." I put a hand on his arm. "But unlike everybody else, you will get a warning."

"Will I heed it?"

I leant back, looking at the great expanse of nothing before me. "I don't know. Do you think I am being stupid again?"

"I am about to."

"Then probably not, but I won't apologise."

"Have you ever considered playing a shorter game?"

"No." I closed my eyes. "Still not playing."

" _A'rare_." ¹

" _Kinata_."² There was no reason I could think of that would make me admit I was playing a game. Though Storm was one of the very few people I'd admit it to. " _Mor'ai'cha_."³

He didn't reply and we sat in silence for a while. Unity Day was only a few weeks away. I had no idea how to go about it this time. Actually, I felt like curling up under my bed and waiting until it was all over. But that was something I had gotten used to. I just didn't listen and plodded on anyway. It was just life. You got no excuses, no second chances; it was not fair and not fun.

But I had Sarah to think of, and possibly my new family and absentee husband as well. People would be missing me. It was not fair. I wondered if Sarah was old enough for Labyrinth already and if it was worth the trouble without David Bowie in tights.

"You're doing fine," Storm said into the silence. "Don't worry."

I exhaled audibly instead of replying. "Is there a guest list?" I asked after some time.

"You mean for you to look at and make nefarious plans for everybody?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"You can always send an inquiry."

"Will that look strange?"

"Not at all."

"Not the only nefarious planner around, am I?" I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes again.

" _Kinata_."

"I just wished it was all over already."

"When will this be over, though, Lanna?" His words were pensive.

I didn't tell him because I was sure that unlike me, he wouldn't like the answer.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 So you say.  
> 2 Indeed.  
> 3 It's not important.


	65. Chapter 64

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm creating a printed copy of the first part (Incapable Imperial) for my bookshelf (glorious 700 pages of ranting, stupid bint). If you want one, I'll send you the files or we negotiate a copy. Conctact me over at tumblr. I'm MsLanna there too, and my ask box is always open.

Of course things were not over that easily. They were not even over soon. The days until Unity Day stretched like gum and just like gum, when I reached the end of it, it smacked me in the face. Storm kept pushing me towards a change in colours and he was not alone.

It was difficult to keep my resolve. But I wanted to make a statement when I finally showed up in a patterned robe. And getting officially invited to a reception was not the statement I was looking for.

"Well, what are you looking for?" Even Attal was on the side of pro-pattern people.

I could hardly tell him I was still hoping to get my own pattern one day. After all I was playing the ambitionless idiot. "I don't know," I admitted instead. "But I will know when it happens."

His exasperation was clear. He even turned away, but since he glanced at my painting lying on the nearby table, I forgave him. "If you plan to turn our minds one by one, you need to reconsider. You do not have that kind of time."

"Even if I was cunning enough to hide my alleged agenda in plain view, don't you think somebody would notice?"

His eyes wandered over the green patterns hiding a bronze message that translated more or less into 'true colours invisible to the eye'. Of course that was stripping it of all the implications starting with the reality of colour and ending somewhere around being true to your house.

"If you wanted them to." He was still not looking at me.

"In the which case I need to define my agenda and the intended recipients." I would certainly not shout things in their general direction. Whatever Pellaeon was doing now. Or any other accursed Imperial.

"You look sad."

I hadn't even noticed the expanding silence. "Memories."

"Will sharing them help?"

"They are not even mine." I answered his unspoken question with a gentle refusal. How did I even start to explain remembering this universe and the innermost thoughts of some of its inhabitants? Not at all. " _Mor'ai'cha_."

There were so many things in my life of utmost unimportance to everybody else. Sometimes it was just inexplicably difficult to keep them that way.

"No," I told Storm, "I am fine. Just a little moody. Supposedly a female problem."

It was as good an excuse as any and better than many as I could distract my inquisitive Kres with a discussion about hormonal fluctuation and its effects as perceived by society. Anything was better than the truth. Which was that I had almost lost the last letter from my absentee husband and in retrospect thought that would have been a great idea.

At last the excitement about the official invitation to the reception of Unity Day had died down, at least for me. I was sure there were still some Chiss out there talking, or complaining more likely, about it. But I calmed down in a matter of days and then remembered the carelessly thrown letter. I found it gone when I went to look, naturally.

Since Rukh was responsible for my safety, I told him about it. He had to know if a threat was imminent even if it was my fault. Especially if it was my fault. He gave me a long stern lecture about how dangerous it was to let something like such a letter lie around. He waved the offensive item before my face. I was not to do it again. Not even over night when I was in the same room.

I promised. I would have promised about anything to get the letter, but I meant it. I only hoped I'd remember. Obnoxious Grand Admirals were obnoxious and no guarantees could be made. Still, I promised.

The letter was of course full of the usual niceties of how well everybody got on without me. Arn was adjusting fine to married life and would be sending regards if he knew he could. Old age was catching up with Deerian and my former minder might be forced to take up higher service a lot sooner than anticipated. It was a political conundrum because of decorum and how things had always, meaning the last twenty years, been done.

The prospect that I might never see the old man again saddened me. He might die and I would be unable to attend the funeral. It didn't bear thinking about. I wished there was something to be done about it. But of course there was nothing. I was stuck and incommunicado. And there were worse news to drive me up the walls.

Hethrir had cropped up. I was surprised because I thought he had been dead already. At least I think he died at the end of, uh, Crystal Star? Children of the Jedi? Waru-Thingy-Book? Maybe he had waited to see if Thrawn's Empire would collapse by itself, as it had been meant to do, actually. But now that it hadn't, who knew what was going on in the black minds of dark Jedi.

Dark Jedi, my ass. Were they not officially called Sith? What did he hope to achieve now? And my Admiralship had very strict policies about rivalling Empires trying to rise from the long cold and scattered ashes of Palpatine's operation. And Hethrir was kidnapping children, which made him no friends.

So far Leia's children had not been abducted. That made me happier than I expected. It was probably having my own smurf that did it. The thought that somebody might try to lay a hand on her – nope, not even going there. I could only hope I'd go from crushed to furious fast enough to be of any help to my daughter in such a case. I did not play out the scenario in my head though. Too painful.

And what did my Admiralship do? Help? Nope. He wondered how to best make use of Hethrir. Had C'baoth not been enough trouble? Did he think he had learnt enough from that to handle Hethrir? How did not being insane improve the interactions with a Sith any?

I had tried to write a reply letter for what seemed to be forever but it degenerated into ranting every single time. What was he thinking? Was he thinking at all? Had his brains been swapped with a bucket of eels? Or maybe just an empty bucket? It seemed likely. I felt I was falling very short of doing my wifely duties, which in this case consisted of throttling Thrawn until he saw sense. Luke save us all.

The poor new Master Of All Jedi had his own troubles though. Still torn between being political because his sister ran the New Republic and actually doing some serious Jedi-ing, or Jedi training, he dithered and did not get either done well. I hoped that the prospect of saving children would get to him. Though the children were Force-sensitive and he was as yet not keen on teaching children. How well I understood him.

I mean, I had Sarah and that was going okay and so far no permanent damage was visible. But other children were still strange to me. Probably because now they were all Chiss and as such doubly strange. Fortunately, the Chiss inclination to show pictures of their kids was very restrained and after three years the children spoke for themselves anyway. Unless they were Sarah, of course. Not that she didn't talk; she was a verbal waterfall.

But she had no achievements to boast of compared to her peers. Her inclination to tell endless and pointless stories was not an achievement either. I wondered how she held out with such restricted vocabulary, grammar and experience. I had asked her if she would like to write down one of her stories for papa because one day he would be back and happy to see it.

No, it had not been fun to explain why papa couldn't read it now and where he was and why he didn't come to visit and why she could not go visiting. At least to the last one I could say 'yet'. Who knew how things looked when she was older and allowed to fly her own ship? Who could stop her? It was a very big galaxy out there and there was no wall around the Ascendancy.

Well, it would not come to that. It was upon me to make sure papa came around for at least a visit. And if Thrawn was not an amazing father for Sarah, I'd skin him and put his pelt up over her bed. Thoughts like that did not make a good introduction to bragging shamelessly about my new social standing, though. And so I wound up at the beginning of the letter. Again.

Even when I tried to start on other events, it ended like that. Take Orinda for example. It was doing a reverse Gargon and threatened to leave the Empire if their requests were not handled better, meaning always met. Since the planet lay close to the border of the New Republic and at an important hyperlane, relations were tense. To word it optimistic. The New Republic was certainly not all over getting one over on the Empire if they could and this looked like a good opportunity. They didn't even need Fey'lya to throw everybody into a loop and back in time to when the Empire was evil. I guess it was still the enemy.

It was kind of Thrawn to imply that my presence would improve things. Even with my increasing abilities in people-manipulation, oops that should have been politics, must have been Freud talking. Anyway, I was still not all sure what I did half the time.

Thrawn would have made it work, though, a nasty voice in my head said. He'd always made everything work; even me. And then I was back at ranting. I was a hopeless case. And the fact that I had a worrisome letter and didn't manage to send a reply made me more intolerable than ever. I could hardly let Sarah suffer my moods, so it hit whoever else came into contact with me.

"I shall leave you to your thoughts." Storm had no time for this kind of bullshit.

"I am sorry." I tried to look very contrite. "I'll let you know when I am back to normal."

"Make it soon," he warned. "I won't have you at the reception like this."

"I will," I promised. "You will have to suffer enough from my lack of shadow stitching patterns. Anything else would be too much."

"I would accept if you swapped those."

I smiled, though it still felt sad. "I bet you would, but no. And how would it look if I went on a holiday with a mood as dark as Csapla with a power outage?"

"I won't have to suffer it much," he replied smugly. "I will leave you to your own devices and take the only speeder around, effectively grounding you and your bad mood in the middle of nowhere."

"You are too kind."

"As ever."

And he was gone, leaving me to mull over the letter I needed to write again. To hell with long distance relationships. I picked up my pen and stared at the stack of paper. I'd just do this and pretend the long ranting and unstructured reply was to show how very emotional the topics made me. Otherwise I'd never get a reply down before Unity Day. And I would be gone afterwards.

 _Dear Thrawn_ , I translated 'you stupid asshole' as I wrote down my thoughts. Then I had to pause and chewed on my pen for a long time. I didn't want all of my emotions to get lost in translation. Talking to Thrawn had become no less difficult now that I had the chance to write everything down. Bother.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	66. Chapter 65

I managed to get the letter written in the coordinated chaos preceding the Unity Day Reception. It seemed to be an extra special event since a new Meritocra was to be elected the coming year. Well, whatever. The more excitement, the better to distract my from my own life. In the end I simply didn't write the letter all in one go but started a new page for each topic and changed subject when I felt the ranting take over. It had taken most of my so-called free time but in the end I was not all unhappy with it. I closed the drawer over it and decided not to think about it any more.

Since Unity Day was pretty much upon me that was not as difficult as one might expect. Sarah was in her very own frenzy because of the idea to go somewhere else and on a holiday. I was not sure how well she grasped the whole concept but I was willing to run with it.

"When?" She had shortened the most important question for her at the moment to one word.

"Five days," I'd reply. "Four days. Three days." I hoped my nervousness didn't show in my answers. Each day the holiday came closer meant that the reception would be on me even sooner. And I had requested a guest list and I had gotten one, though under the usual reservations. And I had spotted name that called me into action. Not that I knew which action that was as yet.

Naturally each Ne'weëran'ok of the nine Ruling Houses would be there, down to even me. So would the Epitocra of the systems plus one. Aristocra were not necessarily attending as their duties often called them to far places even during holidays. But as I had said, this reception was somewhat special and extra political, so one of them who managed to be around this year was Formbi. Oh yes, I remembered him. I wondered in what shape I would find him.

And find him I would. Even if I had to embarrass myself publicly, which I might do anyway, by seeking him out. There was hope that the evening was long enough for our paths to cross naturally or at least in a way that would pass for natural. For a split second I even considered getting on with the shadow pattern after all. But not even for another stubborn Chiss of my choice was I willing to back down on that topic.

"At least you have the stubbornness down pat," Thorra commented. "If only the more cherished attributes were to follow."

"Oh, they will," I assured her. "I am working hard on my arrogance and Chiss-centric world view."

She didn't even bother with a gesture of exasperation. "Better get to something sensible before we decide we do not need you to raise Sarah any longer."

"I go, she comes with me." It was a discussion I would not ever have. Either Sarah was worth my offensive presence or not. You could not have one without the other.

"Be careful," Thorra said softly. "There are some who would say that it is not your place to decide that and that her father's wish to raise her as a Chiss will be adhered to even better without you."

"Let them try." I tilted my head back. Inside I was praying for something to sink my teeth into, though. There had to be something I could do to prove my worth. Bringing back my Admiralship did not count. And was still way out there anyway. I had to meddle in politics that were closer to home.

"The conflict has currently degenerated into name-calling," Okara let me know. "If you have a few names to add, that might count for something."

"Klaus," I said without thinking.

"Come again?"

"Sorry, that was my mouth doing its own thing again." Klaus indeed. Old habits died even harder than hope. "Who would you like?"

"I am afraid this is not how it works." She sounded amused.

"I'll make it so, no worries," I said with more confidence than I felt. "I guess I am too late to add Storm to any side."

"Years," she agreed. "But acceptance is especially low among Csapla and Chaf. Prard, too, but they are not as important."

So much for the ranking of the houses being just because numbers were easier to remember. "I'll see what I can do. It's the more rebellious elements of any house associating with me. There might be ears more open than others." And give a decade or two who knew what could be achieved. Only that I didn't have decades. Unlike everybody else.

Get a grip, I told myself. To get sorted, I packed travelling bags with Sarah. Actually, she packed them and I had to remove most things again.

"You will not need all your plushies" I looked at the heap somewhat worried. I wasn't sure how that many of them could amass. "You will have to chose two."

"Two?" Her voice was stricken with panic. It was not a decision she had to make before.

"Yes, two. You can count to two, right?"

"Mama!" She said plaintively. "I can count good. I can count many more."

"Good." I smiled. "Go ahead then."

Her face was set and serious as she tried to sort through her companions, choosing who would be allowed to come with her above others. I was a little sorry for her. But with Sarah this unfairly occupied I could concentrate on the task of packing the right number of socks and pants and shirts and whathaveyous.

There were many question marks hovering over the whathaveyous. Did I need jackets? Storm had said summer, but what did summer mean on a world closeted off from any kind of weather? And would I be able to wash? Storm kept calling the house a 'basic wooden hut', but how reliable was that? No matter how much I tired and how entertaining it was, I could not imagine Storm in an environment lacking basic comforts.

"You worry too much," he said after confirming the presence of a washing machine. "Do you really think I would leave you in need of something fundamental?"

I did not reply, because so far my experience with Chiss providing for me was limited, biased, and overall less than perfect. "I apologise. It is the first time I travel with my own child. I need everything to be perfect."

"Just as long as you don't forget to pack yourself." His eyes flashed and he cut the connection before I could express the amount of un-amusement I was in. But he was right. I needed to relax. Relaxing was after all the reason to do this. Get some of the tension out of my system. And some of the more obnoxious Chiss out of my head. Excepting Storm, naturally, as he was kindly hosting the whole operation.

I still could not believe I would get to see some real sky again. And real plants, a hopefully blue sky. Though after years of the same grey marble overhead, I wouldn't mind two weeks of storms. When I thought of the windswept beaches of Norderney in November I almost cried. Why was there nothing like that in my life any longer?

I remembered the reason, but the letter was sealed already and punching it some wouldn't help. I worked on the new form Rukh was teaching me instead. It was most taxing and satisfactorily tiring. I wondered how anybody would _start_ a day like that.

"That you are able to perform it at all, speaks of your prowess," Rukh said. He seemed more satisfied with my fitness and fighting abilities. But then he had been working on those for over three years. If I wasn't getting some kind of good, I deserved to be skewered by the next guy looking at me strange.

"Do you have the knife?" Rukh asked. As far as he was concerned, I was allowed to use it on anybody looking at me strange.

I put my hand over my belly and nodded. Everything was ready. The bags were packed. Sarah was in bed and even sleeping. When I returned, I would barely have time to before I would be going off. I still had difficulties deciding whether the reception or the holiday was more exciting which, according to all Chiss ever, showed how foreign I still was.

I let my eyes linger on Sarah’s sleeping form. If being excited about real weather and environments was strange, I would be strange any day. Chiss politics were probably all very exciting, too, but I needed some greater stake than the return of my husband. Oh, I did miss him, terribly at times, but I had arranged myself.

Maybe I should just forget about the whole plan-thing and see what happened. Given a few decades, I might find myself acceptable enough to find another husband. Well. Not that there was a great choice here. They were all rather occupied with living their own life. If marriage fit in, it fit in because the way ahead was easier together.

Everything else was just having an affair or hormones. And as far as the Chiss were concerned, that was no need to talk about that if handled appropriately. Being a foreign alien idiot, I could of course not do that. But that was beside the point anyway as I was hardly attractive.

Wasn't I supposed to cheer myself and give me some encouraging speech? I was sure doing a horribly horrible job of it. I also would be late, if such a thing was possible. And when would I even find the time to have an affair? I sighed and resolved to think only happy, empowering thoughts on my way to the reception.

It was nice to walk and see the stars overhead. It was even nicer to think that only hours from now I would be among the real thing again. Just one more night. I smiled to myself thinking of wind and rain on my face. The low murmur of voices began to engulf me as I drew close to the House Palace. I threw a curious glance at the personal entrances where a few Chiss lingered in animated discussion. Well, they could hardly be standing around waiting for their welcome colours to be displayed.

If you were willing to _wait_ , you did not deserve the show—honour, I mean. Taking into consideration that there were three entrances and about a hundred Chiss deserving a full welcome, well, it didn't add up. So some just entered through the general entrance with no rigmarole and helped the rest along.

“Worried about how long it will take for your colours to be called up?" A voice asked behind me.

I turned to find Attal lounging against a low wall with a smug expression. "I'll have to get in line behind you then, won't I?" I asked back.

"'Fraid so." He watched the scene for a moment. "Interesting to see, though. An education in its own right."

I followed his glance. The Epitocra of House Csapla was just breezing past everybody else. He looked impressive in his bronze robes and nobody denied his right to jump the queue. "Where's his spouse?"

"Important invasion on the House Space," Attal said. "They have asked two other Picket Forces for help. I think your pretty Captain is among them."

I furrowed my brow. "He didn't tell me the promotion was official yet. And I really hoped he'd never get into any fighting ever. He has some interesting ideas though and maybe they will catch on."

"He is doing it for you?" Attal made a mocking sound. "And you believe him?"

"He sure wants to impress somebody," I replied. "But that somebody is surely not me. And no, I do not believe him. It makes for extensive discussions."

"He's got quite a head on his shoulders," Attal agreed. "Totally wasted on drama."

"I saw several plays in poetry form back home." I laughed a sad little laugh remembering Jandl. "It may be an unexpected cooperation but if executed well..."

"If you like that kind of thing." He sounded thoughtful. "You cannot be seen standing here chatting with me all night."

"Why not? It would make for another of my beautiful scandals.”

"Says a lot if your scandals are prettier than you are."

I flicked some imaginary dust from my robe before I turned to leave. "See you around."

"I guess."

I raised my hands slightly in agreement. With no more excuses to linger, I buckled up and turned towards the doors. I had been here before. I had done thins before. How bad could it get?

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	67. Chapter 66

How bad indeed. I needed to stop saying things like that. One evening, a couple of hours, and my whole world collapsed on itself. Again. At least I was far away from everything soon, removed to Noris to stew in my own juices.

But I get ahead of myself, avoiding the embarrassing or at least trying to. That evening was not one of the best in my life. Not that it started off like that. It was, on the contrary, quite nice to begin with. Unlike the last time, I had seen almost everybody in person before if only from afar. I could expect some conversations in the open, though Ar'anasi was indispensable at Pesfavri. Another alien incursion and not very welcome there and then since the Chiss began to scout out the Redoubt for development.

Something I would have to do something about soon. It was a little too early for them to find the remains of the Outbound Flight but well, I had hoped to use that as a bargaining chip. Not that I knew what for and who with, but that would come to me. And it was not as if I was out of ideas as such.

As if on cue, the crowd parted for a moment and granted me a glimpse of my idea as if I was indeed living a script. There he was. Oh my god. The years spent on Csilla pretending to have body language paid off in full as I did not walk into the next column open-mouthed. Instead I progressed neatly towards my destination which was food. But yeah, he was here.

Formbi.

Wow.

I did not let that change my behaviour at all. I only made sure I knew where he was at all times. If it was possible to develop sonar personalised for people, I did just that. The lor'kina was really helping. I had to read a lot of people consistently, but the general attitude towards rank and reputation was observed surprisingly well. With practice it was probably possible to track a whole group of people through a whole night.

I stored that thought for later use and watched the figure in yellow and grey glide through the crowd from the corners of my eyes. If I was to cause an éclat, which everybody seemed to expect, I might as well cause one I was really into. I turned and ran almost head first into Thara.

"Mitth'ar'alani!" I greeted her happily. "I did not expect you to be quite exactly there."

"Obviously." She brushed the formal greeting off. "I wonder what you did expect."

"Deducing from my vector, speed and predictable impact? Nobody but an absentee unmentionable comes to mind." I could not help remembering the occasions I had barrelled into him. Some memories just – I pushed the thoughts aside. That was for later. That was for reminding me why I was here and what I was doing.

Right now was for making conversation and being seen talking to the right people. Thara was one of them. "But I cannot say that finding you instead is disappointing me any."

"Sweet-talking will not get you anywhere," she chided.

"I am not your type?" I tried to look hurt.

"No, definitely not." She went rigid stressing that. "No."

I smiled and caught myself just before nodding. I executed the correct lor'kina instead and used my raised hands turning them in a degree of acceptance and implied my eyes with them. Combined with blinking this was my way to substitute for the lacking ability to let fireworks go off in them.

"It is a pleasure to see you anyway." And talk to you where everybody can see. I did not even have to add that. "How are you doing?"

"Fine." She might have left it at that. "Though the latest developments have come in areas unexpected. Your meddling with my bloodson's private life has proved surprising."

Threll? I hadn't even gotten around to introducing him to Annie. Still he was trying to impress somebody so bad that even Thara had caught up on it. I rattled down everybody I had introduced him to in my mind, but there was nobody I'd suspected to be of interest setting up the age bracket tended to be a little over or under his own. I let my surprise show in fingers bent backwards. "I hope it is not interfering with his duties."

"Not yet. And I expect of you to keep it that way."

I agreed though I had no idea how to meddle in a relationship I didn't even know existed. Or maybe her senses were just so finely tuned that she saw something coming when I had not even set anything in motion. Everything was possible. "It is good to see you still care about him."

Her eyes turned into glowing steel. "How are you getting on?" She asked, completely ignoring the undertones. Meritocracy? I was definitely beginning to doubt it.

"I am doing very well, thank you, Mitth'ar'alani." I expressed my gratitude for her interest for the whole room to see, putting my forearms parallel to the floor and even making fists. I was still a petitioner. "Better for speaking to you."

She smiled tightly. "That is good to hear. There are rumours about your impeding departure."

My mouth formed a silent 'oh'. I repeated it out loud. "It is just a short holiday." I didn't know what else to add. All my reasons were not actually chiss-ly acceptable and all acceptable reasons didn't really apply.

"It will do you good, I suppose." The doubt was unmistakable on here. "May your return be without complications.

She was gone, leaving me speechless. Which fucking bugger of a Chiss eel was conspiring against me now? And how could they even keep me from returning? I was not even leaving Chiss space. I was just – away from the capital were all decisions were made. I shut my mouth and honed in on the nearest buffet. I needed something to hold on to while thinking. And preferably something to eat as well.

I found acceptable nibbles and nibbled away while thinking furiously. At the same time, I tried to follow the ripples Formbi left in the crowd while not mixing them up with the ripples of anybody else. It was too much though and I had to turn around in an undignified manner now and then to ascertain, I was still following the right Chiss. More often than not, I wasn't.

Finally I felt capable to talk to people again. Any conversation here was public speaking and I didn't know how the others kept track of who was watching whose conversations how intently. I wished I had been able to bring Rukh. I wondered if anybody would notice him if he really tried to blend into the crowd.

I zigzagged around aimlessly for a while, pretending to know exactly what I was doing. Now and then I exchanged a few words with Chiss that could stoop to it in a public setting. It was an embarrassingly small percentage of the overall attendants. I took to the buffets more often than I had planned. People were talking to me, but I was waiting for wordless invitations mostly. Food was always open for interaction.

By the time I found Storm in a position free to talk to me, I was beginning to feel rather stuffed. I twirled a glass of unspiced water between my fingers, trying to look entertained.

"Only somebody watching you very closely will notice the difference," he assured me.

Though that meant everybody as I was still being watched closely. I was not sure what people expected to happen. Self-incineration? Vanishing in a bright flash? Alien ritual sacrifice? I was somewhat inclined to give them the last. It would be good fun for all involved. I had set my eyes on the Epitocra of House Prard for this. In terms of polite Chiss disgust, she was winning all prizes. I wondered what I had done to her.

"I just wish it wasn't all so subtle," I sighed. "I could do with some good yelling matches. Hell, I'd even duel again."

"Please do not," Storm said. "Chiss duels work somewhat different from what you described."

I sighed. "I don't think it was a real duel," I admitted. "More like satisfaction for injustice incurred. And I think I'd feel better, if my opponent actually had the chance to shoot back."

"Shortly." He followed my eyes but said nothing. "And who will raise Sarah if you do that?"

"The whole bloody remaining planet, if rumour is to be trusted." I couldn't help the hardening of my mouth. It was a very unpleasant image. "And how good a job will they be doing?" I wondered out loud.

"Spectacularly better than you." His lor'kina was unapologetic.

I sighed and realised that I had lost Formbi again for another Chaf dignitary. Elusive little bastard.

"He's not going to talk to you," Storm said.

"Who?"

"Chaf'orm'bintrano."

"Am I that obvious?"

"No." He sounded relieved. "But I know you."

"Lucky you." I touched the rim of my glass to his. "Mr Chaf Aristocra does not know what he is missing."

"Promise me you won't do something stupid." He gave me a stern look.

"I promise." My lor'kina was all honesty.

He held the stare for a moment, knowing full well that this had been too easy. Still, I would not tell him I planned to do something worse, something catastrophic. That didn't count as stupid.

"I don't think I want to know," Storm finally sighed. "Will you never learn?"

"No." I allowed my shoulders to slump slightly for a second. It was not as if I was really sorry after all. "And I promise that you will not be in the vicinity to be implied in my atrocity, which obviously won't be happening at all."

"Don't make me rescind my invitation."

"Too late for that my friend. And I would really like to see how you handle the disappointment in Sarah that it would cause."

He feigned a stricken look as if that was a consequence he hadn't considered. "You wouldn't let her have a go at me, would you?"

"Who do you think I am?" I smiled. "I'd probably just drop her at your place for the time the holiday had been supposed to take."

"The rest of the planet would have no chance in raising her a lick if you did that." He liked her, he really did. My daughter was a blessing I could not count. And she was felling Chiss left and right, dragging them from their high horses to her playground. I wonder where she got her charms from.

"Thank you." I tugged at the sleeve of his very impressive formal robe. His position complemented his figure surprisingly well. I wondered if the Chiss designed their patterns like that in general and turned that into an in-depth study as I meandered through the crowd.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	68. Chapter 67

The evening dragged on into night and I began to count the hours until I had to get up again on one hand. This was also not good manners, but since I did it inside my head, nobody noticed. Except maybe Storm, but he was excused on grounds of being my favourite arsehole on the planet and possibly in the whole Ascendancy.

Since I did intend to get at least a whole hour of sleep before getting up again I began to get nervous. There was no way I would get a proper introduction to Formbi from anybody. I knew people who knew people who knew him well, but that was not good enough. On this level of society you had to take the direct route. I had none.

So I did what I always did, take the direct route myself and make a spectacle of my person in the process. Lately I had cut back on that tactic, mainly because it had proved unnecessary with my ever expanding circle of acquaintances. But this would be worth it. I was not sure I needed Formbi for anything, but I sure wanted him. And that was the best reason to go for anything.

I followed his course from afar, projecting his further progress and began to become quite good at it. At an opportune moment, or at least a moment that would have been opportune had I known him already and approached him as a friend, I struck.

"Aristocra Chaf'orm'bintrano," I addressed him directly, causing an éclat without a singe word of action.

Formbi looked at me like something found at the bottom of a bucket of eels. But he looked at me. His shoulders turned away a fraction in rejection and his head tilted in unmistakable contempt. It was somewhat interesting to watch the perfectly mixed sideways and backwards tilt. I tried to be offended. I failed. After all this was Formbi.

Since he didn't look as if he would stoop to saying anything as yet, I ploughed on. "I apologise for being so direct, but-"

"No apology will be enough," he cut me short. "Your kind is as obnoxious as ever."

My kind? Like, bumbling females in their mid-thirties? Oh, humans. Yeah, how could I forget about that. "I did not realise your first encounter with us left you this scarred." After all it was not as if he had met Krennel or Jaori. "I apologise again."

"I will not repeat myself."

Uh-oh. He really was not the friendly gentleman I remembered from Survivor's Guilt. But how much of an idiot had he been in Outbound Flight? I couldn’t remember much. Lately I didn't have much opportunity to brush up on any of my knowledge. So I did the only thing I could think of.

"I forgive you," I said lowering my head. "And in case you ever change your mind, about them or me, I will still be here."

"House Mitth," he snorted. "A pity that he took the fall."

It was the most efficient thing to say to shut me up. I managed not to forget myself completely and blanked out my lor'kina carefully. I smiled at him slowly.

I would have turned and stalked off, or at least would have done the Chiss equivalent, but he beat me to it. I didn't watch him retreat. I did not register much of the reactions to the incident, though I knew it would have been noticed. Instead I tunnel-visioned towards the nearest double door and escaped into a night littered with fake stars.

The roof garden was not much quieter than the inside, but people gave each other more space. Being out here indicated a desire to talk in private. Chiss respected that, though I was sure some of them were making really long ears.

Not that I was about to talk to anybody or even mumble to myself. Fuck those Chiss pronouns. I had never understood why there were so many of them and what all the nuances were about. Until now. Oh that had been one under the belt and no mistaking.

_He._

_He_ had taken the fall. Not somebody else. Not – I did not think the logical conclusion. After all I had nothing but a carelessly thrown pronoun to imply that the fall had been intended for somebody else. Some _thing_ else, the voice in my head did not shut up.

No proof, I shouted at it. No proof at all. Just the usual in-fighting, house rivalries, perfectly normal. _There have been as many as twelve and as few as three._ Fuck this fucking fuck.

But what if House Mitth had decided to get behind this new approach? A gamble, certainly. But look at the endless skirmishes on the borders. And always against the same enemy who knew how not to provoke a direct attack. Look at the discussion still raging among the military. Look at you.

I did. Then I looked up at the fake stars and watched them waver and swim about for some time. What did you think? That it would be easy? That there was no point to apply a lever? That there was nothing hidden under the straightforward trail and exile. Formbi had been willing to sacrifice a few of his own to further the prosperity of his House.

How much would you sacrifice to secure a whole new field of responsibility? How long had House Chaf been eyeing the trade sector and then it fell to House Prard? How did you compensate for that? I felt ready to grab Formbi by the front of his elaborate robe and shake him and scream at him until he gave me some answers.

If he had any. Sure, he had been involved in the whole Outbound Flight business, but my research had not brought up his name at all in the latter procedures leading to Thrawn's exile. Which didn't mean he was not involved.

_He._

_He_ took the fall and he wasn't supposed to.

I rubbed at my eyes. I didn't improve my overall state but distributed the wetness somewhat more evenly. Stupid eel of an Admiralship. He knew. Of course he knew. And let me run right into this without a warning. It had been twenty years. You bastard! How am I to work in the past? How am I ever going to get to the bottom of this? Not at all, that's how.

I stopped short. That was right. I was stupid. I had no clue. Hints like that could be dropped at me and I would not even notice. You could be so _careless_ around me. I inhaled deeply. That was right. I had gotten this far. I would get even further. I was stupid. I was blind. I would not see the obvious. All I needed was a reason to look in the right direction.

A glass of juice appeared under my nose. "What did I tell you?"

"Not enough by far." I took the glass and emptied it in one swallow before looking up at Kres'tor'manad. "And there will be a reckoning, my friend, and you will not like it."

He raised a brow and tilted his head slightly.

I smiled tugging at his sleeve. "Here and now we are who we are. It is nothing. _Mor'ai'cha_."

From his lor'kina I could tell he knew it was a lie. Or at least a lie for any time and place that was not a public setting. " _Toa'nata'hei._ _"_ He dropped his hand shortly onto my shoulder. "You will live."

"But you may not." I tried to be all mischief again and managed okay.

"Go and tell that to other people," he replied. "I would hate for my untimely demise to be a surprise on my unsuspecting friends."

"I will. Thank you." I got up and checked my lor'kina. It would pass. And getting such a rebuke would be enough to unsettle anybody. I didn't understand, did I? How this whole society worked; why Formbi was less than pleased to talk to me.

Formbi. Oh, I would get him alright. If he thought he had gotten me off his back, he was so wrong. I would find the place to put the lever with him and then he'd find himself careening across the universe right into the place where I wanted him. Watching his back wouldn't do him any good.

"That's my girl." Storm smiled over the soft words and I felt the urge to do something unacceptable. So I just smiled and put that on the list for later. Noris was beckoning. Two weeks out off this horrible web. Two carefree weeks with just Sarah, Rukh, and me and a bit of Storm.

With such pleasant thoughts of revenge and bending the whole stubborn Chiss society to my own thrawn will, I returned to the reception. The run-in with Formbi had not gone unnoticed but as expected, the real reason for my state had. One day I would have to thank the Aristocra for this. Preferably when doing so would also be an insult.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mor'ai'cha. - It doesn't matter.  
> Toa'nata'hei. - All will be well.


	69. Chapter 68

I felt as if I dropped into bed just to bounce back and return to the walking dead. Sarah was naturally wide awake and excited. It helped a little.

"Can we go now?"

"You have to finish breakfast first."

"Not hungry."

"Not important." I hid a sigh. "You will be hungry later if you do not eat now."

"I eat later."

"There won't be anything to eat later."

Her eyes grew wide. "Forever?"

"No, not forever." I should not be allowed to talk when sleep deprived. Not even my own flesh and blood understood me. "Until we arrive."

"How long?"

"Eight hours" It was not that long overall Noris lay on one of the bigger hyperlanes and that made it easy to get there. Once you were in space. I had not anticipated how long it would take just to get into space.

Sarah mulled that over while pushing the food around on her plate. Admittedly, I was not doing much better. Forcing myself to be a good example I took another bite, chewed and swallowed. It was not the most fun activity I could think of.

Not that anything but sleep was right then. Even taking sweet revenge on the whole of stubborn Chiss-kind was taking a backseat to that. I made sure, Sarah had gotten at least a little more into her stomach before I let her rush off to check on her bag.

I followed suit not much later, pocketing a rather high stack of calling cards on my way out. With some foresight I had the main luggage sent to the spaceport already. Still, we made a funny little group, Sarah, Rukh, and I, each with their own preferred item of luggage.

For reasons unknown, Sarah had insisted on getting a small blue suitcase she could drag behind her. She looked so much like a human child, apart from her blue skin that is, that it almost broke my heart. Whatever else, she was worth anything I was doing here.

Rukh had a kind of snug fitting backpack that probably did not get in the way of killing people. I had my old duffel bag, the scent and memories of the Empire long gone from it. We walked to the overhead train station and Sarah squealed just get into that. We rarely used it. I had not yet gotten around to taking her places that warranted it much. A visit or two to the outer districts because trees, but overall it did not seem worth the trouble.

Oh gods, what had I gotten to? Trees not important, my ass. I really needed a reality check. Even if they were not really real trees growing all wild and free, it didn't get any better than that on Csilla. Maybe that was the problem. Nothing was actually wild and or free here. Even the tame woods of my home country were a chaotic respite of wilderness in comparison.

And thinking of English landscape gardens did not help. Knowing the jungle was engineered was just not sitting right with me, especially if it was sold as so close to the real thing that you couldn't tell the difference.

"You can't", Storm had told me once. "You don't even know what the original looks like."

It was an annoyingly correct point but didn't appease my misgivings any. Well, so much for that. I would not get a jungle on Noris, but at least the weather would not be tampered with. After all those years stuck in this frigging galaxy, I'd finally get to breathe unfiltered air again. Those occasions had been far to few.

"Are we there yet?" Sarah pressed her face against the window of the speed train taking us to the elevator system leading to the surface.

"No luv," I replied trying to see anything in the greyish white rushing past. "We have not even started."

"But this is not Csapla."

"No. It is kilometres of ice in all directions."

"Where are we?"

"I have no idea, luv. Somewhere under the ice." An idea struck me. "Do you want to see where we are going?"

She nodded and I found a way to display the train as a small dot moving across a white field. Csapla was a dark point somewhere and the elevator point was another, blinking slowly as we approached it even slower.

"This is Noris." It was more of a question as her finger bored into the blinking light.

"No, luv, that is where we go up to the spaceship." I pulled my finger upwards from the slowly blinking dot. Then I left it hanging in the air over the small table. "That is where we meet Uncle Storm. And then we fly to Noris."

"How long?"

"We fly for five hours," I told her. "And we drive in this train for over an hour and go into the elevators for about an hour." My finger followed the stations meticulously. "But in the ship you can unpack some of the toys and play. Or you can draw space."

The idea excited her for a short time. Then it was up to me again to keep her occupied. There really was not much to do driving through endless tunnels of ice.

When we finally reached the elevators I envied Storm for not coming with us and evading the task of keeping a child busy on a long boring ride while being wildly overtired. The space ship would be easy. We had worked out a plan for that in advance.

Storm looked well-rested and I hated him for it. His lor'kina mocked me thoroughly for the sorry state I was in and I had no energy left to pay him back in kind. Life was unfair.

"You look like you need to amend your lifestyle," he said easily.

Since my daughter was around to listen, I did not tell him what I thought he looked like. Smug bastard. I wondered fleetingly when the right time would be to teach Sarah some decent swearing. Looking at the environment she grew up in she would certainly need it.

"I will when you will," I told him instead. "How do you survive those long nights? I had barely an hour of sleep."

"I didn't have any." His eyes flashed full of amusement. "That is my secret."

"Why did you and mama not sleep?" Sarah wanted to know. "I sleep. I sleep good."

"Yes you did." I ruffled her hair, which she graciously allowed. "But Storm and I had business to attend to." Business hours in the Ascendancy certainly sucked.

"You and dardar did business all night?" Her face scrunched up in concentration "What business?"

"Well," I had to think a moment. How did you describe long social meetings with no real use apart from showing people how important you were and who your important friends were?

"We had to talk to important people," Storm came to my help. "You cannot talk to important people just any time you want. You have to wait for the right time to do that." I did not miss the dig in my direction.

"You wait until night." Sarah nodded as if it made perfect sense. I wished I could ask her to explain it to me.

But she didn't wait for any other explanation. "Is papa on Noris?"

She had come to understand that he was far away, just how far and why were still difficult for her to understand. I watched as Storm silently dissolved into thin air, probably into the cockpit. Rukh followed, probably not for polite conversation but more down-to-earth skills. Well, we all had our jobs. "No, papa is not on Noris." I turned back to my daughter.

"Where is papa?"

I sighed. Then I picked Sarah up and sat her down before the table with the display.

"Hold on tight, yes?"

"Yes, mama." Her small hands grabbed the thick edge of the table

"Good." I pointed at the planet still hovering in the middle of the image. "You know what that is?"

"Home!" She crowed. "I know, I know that."

"Yes, you do. And this is where we are." I tried to stub the blinking point of light with my index finger.

That was a mistake as Sarah tried to do the same and I had to intervene to keep her from toppling. I waited until she had successfully poked the light before settling her again and letting go. I shrank the image until it had Csilla at one end and Noris at the other. We blinked happily between the two.

"That is Noris. That is where we go." I shrank the image even further. It was a blessing that the main body of the Ascendancy didn't sprawl. The blinking dot was still well visible. "That is the Ascendancy," I explained. "This is where all Chiss live."

Sarah didn't mind the many simplifications. Instead she stared at the many stars hovering over the table. "So big? Where is home?"

I pointed out Csilla that lay conveniently in the middle. There was something very predictable about maps and where the place you lived would be displayed. It was transferable to star charts easily. I spread my thumb to the side a little. "And that is Noris."

"Not far," Sarah decided. "Is it far?"

"Not really, luv. There is much more space." It took some making, but I managed to convince the projector to project all space, even the unknown bits. They showed up suspiciously neatly labelled and also in a correct fashion. "Glad to be of help," I murmured under my breath. It had certainly been a weight off everybody's chest to finally get an official source for this when my ship got dissected.

"What is help?" Her hearing was better than I tended to remember. One day it would be my downfall.

"Nothing luv," I assured here and tried to orient myself in the mess of stars. It had been some time since I had stared at a chart that did not have Csilla as its shining centre. But I had spent enough time sweating over images of Byss to find that and from there it was easy enough to find the rest of the galaxy.

I did not comment on how Sartinaynian was called Bastion, though. This map was updated from when I had left my ship. I would have to have some words with Storm. Different words than usually, I mean.

Sarah didn't notice my silence. Her eyes were all over the chart. "So many stars."

I smiled and put my finger onto Csilla. "Home." I placed another finger somewhere around Bastion. "Papa."

She almost fell of the bench again, inching her way along its length to follow from one finger to the other. "That is far."

"Yes, it is." I sighed. "But there is papa."

"Papa is far." Her voice was suddenly very small. "Why?"

It was a long story and one she probably knew by hear. I sat down beside her and put my arm around her shoulders. "Once upon a time, I began, "when papa was very young and handsome..." Some things were easier to explain as a story.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	70. Chapter 69

Telling Sarah a story had the benefit that she fell asleep again. I made sure she was comfortable and safe before going to the cockpit. Rukh left to stay with her, which left me doubly assured and made space in the co-pilot's chair. Space travel tended to be calm and quite. Usually right up to the point where it wasn't and everything not nailed down flew through the rooms. But that would not happen this time. I guessed.

Storm was sitting in the pilots chair looking to be on stand-by. A closer look revealed him to be asleep. That stupid idiot. I dropped into the co-pilots chair and stared ahead. The viewport was taken up completely by the flowing of hyperspace. I watched the blurry lines of light dance across the surface like so many foggy fingers. The icy blue clutched at my heart.

When was the last time I had seen this? Well, a stupid question, really, as that journey had ended rather painfully around here. I had been in no state at all to appreciate the patterns of hyperspace when I dropped out of it the last time. I let them hypnotise me now. It was easy.

Putting my mind into a blank state had always been easy in hyperspace. It was even more calming than going by train. You were cut off everything and had all reason to do nothing. So you did. I closed my eyes shortly, just breathing. I was back among the stars. They might not be my stars, but what did it matter?

The last time I had been up here, I had not been the woman I was now. I had never been the woman I was now and probably would not be her when I returned in two weeks. So why should I get the same stars when they did have to put up with such a fickle version of me?

I wished that the end of the journey led somewhere else, though. Holidays with Sarah and Rukh would be all very nice, but what wouldn't I have given to alight in Imperial space. Thrawn didn't even have to collect me in person, or Arn. Send Zeth, I'd be happy. Even Jaori would do. My faithful zealot; or Han though he was neither Imperial nor did he like me.

_You will get_ _real_ _s_ _un_ _,_ I told myself. _And the wind and the rain._ I felt there should be a hi-ho or yo-ho somewhere in there. Real weather, real trees, real grass. Storm had been talking about a place to swim close by, perfectly private. And a house made of wood. How cool was that? I could almost smell it.

There had been no wood on the _Chimaera_. Not apart from the twig I had brought from Myrkr and I had taken that with me to the Ascendancy. Twig and stone break heart and bone. It were not my bones that worried me right then. The blue was drawing me in, pulling me down, sucking me into a retrospective I hadn't ordered. Probably because I didn't want it and all the faces it threw at me hurt.

It was impossible not to wonder what each and any of them was doing. I spent an uncanny amount of time worrying about Leia and her kids. How old were they now? Three? Did that mean Anakin was born already? Well, if Hethrir dared to lay hand on them, I would sic my Admiral on him. Somehow.

My Admiral—that bucket of eels! That he should dare not be on Noris indeed. I understood Sarah's indignation. Not that I was quite sure what to do with him, should he be back unexpectedly. I stared at the mottled blue rushing past. Well, I'd get enough of a warning when he came back.

"Mellanna," Rukh growled at my side. I had not noticed him coming, but even being fully alert was no guarantee for that.

I turned to him. "Yes. Is it Sarah?"

He nodded. “I can fly a ship  l ike this now,” he added in Honoghran.

I smiled and laid a hand on his arm. "Thank you. For everything."

"Don't start again," he interrupted. "Or you will have to  pick your daughter out of the engines."

"I wish Toris was here," I sighed as I got up sluggishly. I must have been sitting there longer than I remembered. "He would have a field day showing Sarah everything." A glance at Storm showed no change in him. I didn't know if he was faking; I didn't care much either.

To my relief Sarah was still in her bunk when I arrived. She had bunched up her blanket before her belly and looked around with big eyes. "Mama?"

"I'm here, luv. Did you sleep well?"

She shook her head, but it seemed more confused than a denial.

"We are going to Noris, remember?"

She nodded cautiously.

"We're on Storm's ship. It is flying through space very fast." I glanced at the chrono. “We will be there in two hours."

"Can I see?" She lowered the blanket a little. "See space?"

"Of course you can, luv." I unwrapped her and picked her up. She was getting decidedly to big for this, but I would make an exception.

"This is not space," Sarah decided when she saw hyperspace. "Space is black."

"Indeed." I sat down on the co-pilot's chair again, cradling her on my lap. "If Uncle Storm were not so fast asleep, he could sure explain why this space is full of blue light." I heaved an exaggerated sigh. "But I do not know. "

Uncle Storm chose the exactly expected moment to open his eyes and prove he was not a heap of useless robes. Not that it impressed Sarah any.

"I want space," she told him. "Black, with stars."

"I will show you when we get out of hyperspace," I told her. "When we arrive at Noris." She did not look convinced. "What do you know about stars?" I asked. "Tell me everything so we will be well prepared when we see them, okay? How did the stars come to be?”

That was definitely an offer she could not refuse. Sarah nodded, beaming. "I know, I know! I tell you!"

As tales fr om  four-year-olds  g o it was a good one. Very scientific apart from where somebody made all the neutrinos start to burn with a magic wand or something similar. Also moving the planets with some kind of curling broom sounded suspicious, but who was I not to be grateful we didn’t burn to ashes  becasue of the resulting orbits ?

I felt no need to correct her on anything and Rukh told us the story of the stars of his people again while we made dinner. Or I made dinner and sure Sarah's help was not doing too much damage. Hearing the story of the great war of Moon again didn't make it any less impressive. Rukh had a great voice to tell tales, too. And he didn't mind Sarah getting all excited, jumping up and down before him and recounting her own version of what was to happen. I was surprised he managed to finish the story in time for dinner.

Storm stooped to getting up from his seat in the cockpit, probably nicely rested by then and joined us."Surprisingly good," he commented. "How come?"

"Because I am more used to cooking out of ration packs than you want to know." I gave him a second helping and Sarah as well. She needed it. I saw another growth spurt approaching and those were no fun even if you had enough fuel to make it happen.

"You seemed very stay-at-home mum to me." Storm grinned insolently and I let him get away with it.

"But mama is not at home much," Sarah objected.

I was about to apologise, but what message would that send? That I should be at home more? That my life should be around her solely? That she should be like that when she grew up? No. She would be a fine Chiss lady. She would spend enough time being a mother just as I still spent too much time being one by Chiss standards. But I had the advantage of being a foreign alien. She would not have that. She was up all against Chiss standards already and that would not change.

"So I am," I agreed. "And so are you."

She nodded with her mouth full. "I do business," she said when she had swallowed. "Like mama, only at day."

That was certainly one way to look at it.

"And one day, you will do business like your mama at night as well," Storm said.

Sarah nodded again. "Yes, at night. Talking with important people."

I smiled and decided to find the next appropriate moment to hit Strom over the head with something heavy. "You can practice with Storm, if you want, luv. He is very good at talking to important people."

"If your mama says it, it must be true." He threw me a glance that said it all but I pretended to be busy separating bits of my food. I wondered how I would survive, should Storm decide to show up more than expected. I was not going to be any good with all this domestic. I had no experience with it at all.

Whereas that lucky bastard had a complete family life to draw from, his kids in all ages. I was doomed.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	71. Chapter 70

Noris was killing me.

Unlike more well-known planets in the GFFA it resembled earth with multiple climate zones, seasons and varying degrees of urbanisation. It hung against the black backdrop of space like a green-and-blue marble. Whirls of cloud meandered over it aimlessly.

Sarah was more excited about the stars she had heard about and was finally able to see. "What is that? What is that? What is that?" She kept asking, her tiny fingers darting from one point of light to the next. I'm afraid Storm and I failed her pretty badly on that account. In the end Rukh saved the day with a mix of nearby suns and names from his story.

As we approached the surface, we passed several mega cities, sprawling over the land and looking so very alien. I had never seen a Chiss city overground and this was unsettling. But the further down we went, the less cities there were. And then the air around us began to burn in red friction as the last buildings sank behind the horizon. The only thing that kept Sarah from jumping all over the place were my hands on her shoulders.

The last settlements dropped away and the ground jumped up at us. Though the nearest village was probably just a few kilometres away, the house felt removed from everything. When the dust settled and I got a good look at it, I snorted under my breath. Wooden hut. Sure.

I freed Sarah who was gone within a moment, staring at the doors as if her gaze could burn through it. I put her trolley in her hand. "Sorry, luv," I kept a hand on her shoulder when the ramp lowered. "We need to bring the bags to the house."

But it was to no avail. As soon s the strange new world appeared over the edge of the ramp, she was off. I glanced at Rukh who gave me one of his reassuring nightmare smiles and followed her. So I was left to lug our luggage to the house by myself. Nothing I hadn’t done before.

"I knew you were a liar," I told Storm as he unlocked the door.

"It is all wood," he objected and I could not refute that.

The logs making up the walls had half my height and were polished and dark with a fringe of bark left for structure. The door had been cut out and the re-inserted somehow. The windows working after the same unfathomable system. Still, calling it a wooden hunting lodge was pretty much spreading heinous lies.

I dropped the bags to run my fingers over the rough surface. I could indeed smell it now, despite the air being thickly scented with things that grow and live. I took the keys Storm handed me unthinking, and followed him inside on automatic.

The walls inside had lost their fringe of bark and the smoothed dark wood contrasted with furniture of lighter wood. With the pictures and keepsakes scattered around it spoke more of a home than a solitary respite. The whole lower floor was taken up mostly by a living room accompanied with a work room and a kitchen.

Sleeping rooms abounded on the first floor. I chose three, two side to side and one opposite, leaving the final distribution to Rukh. Body-guarding was still his forte and no matter how remote and safe the place might feel, I would trust him.

I didn't unpack, just ran my fingers over the sideboards and walls, door frames and windowsills. With a sigh I realised, I was in love. Going back down didn't improve this. The living room was lined with shelves that were the home to the equivalent of books, some even of expensive and oh-so-useless flimsy. A huge fire place towered not far from the doors to the a terrace leading into the garden.

And the windows! Oh gods, those stupid windows in their stupid wooden frames with their stupid wooden crossbars, partitioning the stupid blue sky and green earth into panels of my past.

"Mama!" Sarah barrelled in through the doors to the gardens and was only stopped by running face-first into me. "Come, come, come!" She grabbed my hand tugging relentlessly. "You must see! Mama! Look!"

"I'm coming." I followed the bouncing ball that had once been my daughter into the garden, ready to squeal at any blade of grass, twig or stone I was shown.

As expected this took quite a while. The never-ending amount of nature was overwhelming it seemed, if you grew up in a controlled environment.

"Look, look there!" Small fingers almost pushed a many-legged insect off a leaf. "They are everywhere." But before I could say a word she had already discovered the next thing which looked like an earthworm. I followed here around the place for a long time, trying to remember the lay of it. This was not an easy task when you were bombarded with questions about the workings of the universe.

Why was there a puddle? Did the watering tubes break? Why was the sky so far away? Was it always that far? Why was it blue? I knew the answer to that at least, but had barely begun to explain optics and breaking of light when Sarah's attention had moved on. And no, I did not get to explain how the white fluffy stuff got up there and where did the birds go? Were there tunnels for birds in the sky you could not see from down here?

I was relieved when she showed signs of tiring and I had a reason to shoo her inside and explain the workings of the house to her. Rukh had taken the room next to Sarah. I was a little disappointed but in case of need, he would make better use of the door joining the rooms than me. And I was just across the hall, wasn't I?

Storm was nowhere to be found, but I had my suspicions as to where he had gone when the same could be said about food. I gave Sarah a lengthy bath and managed to have her ready when Storm was back and had, thoughtful of him but I had actually expected it, brought something ready-made for dinner. I left the explanations about traditional Noris foods to him and concentrated on chewing and swallowing.

It was another difficult task to pry my smurf from the windowsill and explain that no, it was not Unity Day. The stars were actually out each night here. Yes, she would be allowed to see them, but not today. Because today had been a long day. And she was tired.

Not to mention that I was—drop dead tired. When Sarah was asleep, I considered just slumping at her bedside. It would spare me a lot of work. I still had to unpack and put together something like a schedule for the next day. Letting your child do whatever she pleased was great. Having her do something along the lines you had planned was usually better and less strenuous for all involved.

In the end, I managed to get up and drag myself into my own room. It looked empty despite its furnishings. It looked strange, like a place I was visiting. Which was exactly what I was doing, I scolded myself. I unpacked only the most important things and found myself sitting on another impossibly high bed, dangling my feet and staring at the floor.

Would this ever be over? I didn't think so. My feet moved slightly off beat, bouncing of the light wood of the bedstead.

"Mellanna?" I raised my head to see Storm standing in the door. "Are you alright?"

"Will be." I forced a smile. "Just tired. So tired." It wasn't even funny.

He nodded. "Go to sleep. Tomorrow is another day."

That was exactly what I feared. Still I obediently let myself fall backwards. Taking a fall myself. But then, I really had nobody else to blame, did I? Nope. And Formbi had implied that it had been different for Thrawn. He took the fall. I needed to find out whose. I guessed.

Because what if it was Okara's? How would I live with that? Her face rose in my minds eye. Naw, she would have told me something like that. She liked me. I guessed. Still I could not unlatch my head from that thought. Gods, I needed to go to sleep if I had that little control over myself.

I rolled over. The duvet smelled of disuse and long cold nights. There was a fluffy blanket rotting away on Csilla. I cursed myself for that. I had need of it now. But it took up space, space I had needed more urgently to pack things for Sarah. Reaching out for a corner of the blanket, I missed completely and realised that I would have to get up anyway to close the door.

Fuck my life. I stumbled through the room, turned off the light while I was at it and decided that that had been another stupid idea when I rammed my toes into a chest of drawers and then the bed immediately afterwards. The urge to just curl up on the floor and fall asleep crying became overwhelming.

So I did what I always did. Cursed. Wept. Cursed some more and got on with the stupid tasks that made up life because what else was there? And Storm was right: tomorrow would be another day. And sleep would do me so much good. I'd probably be happy getting up again. Provided it was not too early. But there was no guarantee for that and the longer I dallied and swore instead of getting on with the tasks ahead, the less sleep I would actually get. In the end, the blankets proved to warm up nice and fast, enveloping me in the foreign warmth of a borrowed home.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	72. Chapter 71

The sun woke me. It took me some time to realise what it was but yeah, it was definitely the sun. I blinked into the brightly golden light that flooded through my window. Yes, I did have a window in my room. Not that I had given it much thought the evening before. Its dark frame was shining as if the light came from inside the wood itself.

For a moment I just lay there, wondering whether to get up or no. But this was real sunlight and it was telling every cell in my body to be awake. I could have closed the curtains. They looked heavy and dark enough to blanket out the light but from where I lay that felt to be too much of an effort.

So I turned and just looked out of the window for a while, soaking up the blue sky. I heard Sarah laugh somewhere outside. At least there was somebody to take care of her. I felt blessed. My stomach told me that I also felt hungry. So I got up and ready to face the day which was upsettingly beautiful, as if it had just waited for us to arrive and show off.

I finally made it into the garden, my cup still clasped in my hands. The sun was warm on my skin. I could feel it fall over me like ripples of liquid feathers, the air was buzzing with its scent. It was just so alive.

And so was my daughter. She was galloping around the garden with Rukh on her heel, squealing in delight. When she saw me, she changed her course immediately and came to a precarious stop before me. "Mama! You sleep so long!"

"Sorry, luv." I could not deny her accusation. "I was still tired from my business night."

"Rukh says I cannot play with the leggles." She pouted while I tried to figure out what leggles were.

Rukh did me a favour in that respect by just pulling a many-legged creature from the abundant greenery around. It writhed in his hand and looked as if it had little pincers. "Are they poisonous?" I asked.

"As long as we do not know for certain, the answer is yes," he replied and dropped the thing well out of Sarah's reach. It scuttled off quickly.

"What do you want to play with them?" I looked at my still pouting smurf.

"Races!" He eyes lit up. "They are so fast!"

Racing centipedes with pincers. "Maybe later. I need to talk to Storm about those leggles."

"Storm left you note." She explained helpfully.

I half believed she meant he left me a note because so far I hadn't noted he'd left. "Right." This would also have to wait until later. "What did you do today?"

It was a safe bet and distracted her well enough. There was some more complaining about not being allowed to play with what Sarah considered her very own species but other than that the day had been fine so far. And not too long which relieved me.

We walked around the house and she showed me everything of importance, disregarding whether or not she had shown it to me the day before already. She was completely fascinated with the idea that everything was crawling with life, that there were legworms in the bushes and trees and waterworms in the stream and the birds were flying around the whole time and so far away.

Protected. Sterile. Empty. It were not words that you came up with automatically when faced with Csapla, but compared to a normal planet, the well-kept and strictly organised 'nature' of Csilla was lacking. And it was lacking everything.

"So you have not been swimming yet?" I asked Sarah in fake shock. "I can't believe it."

"We wait for you," she replied proudly. "My idea!"

"Thank you, luv. That is very kind of you." I looked down the path leading away from the house. The grey gravel stretched into the landscape, losing itself in a wide sloping curve. I could half fathom where the slim line of a track led off to where the lake was supposedly.

The sun was nicely warm on my bare arms but I wondered if it was warm enough to actually swim and not catch a cold. How would Sarah react to changing temperatures? She had never had those before. Creases of worry ate into my forehead and that was not who I had imagined spending my holiday.

"Let's explore first," I suggested. "I put my cup away and then we will go and find the lake."

"I help!" She shot off in the direction of the kitchen.

I shrugged, not wanting to spoil my surprise of how she would help me put a cup back into the kitchen that I was holding, standing in front of the house when she was inside already. "How're the lays of the land?" I asked Rukh softly as we followed her.

"Acceptable," He replied just as soft. "Nothing around much, some areas where hiding a concealed watcher is possible, but nothing to worry about for now. If you stir up some more aggravation, I would suggest some gardening before we return, though."

The idea of returning appealed to me a lot and I would have to keep that in mind. I didn't think it was a concession that would aggravate Storm too much.

I found Sarah trying to pile everything into the dish washer. I rescued the place mats which looked as if they were woven from some natural fibres. "Thank you, luv." I turned her towards the stairs. "Get a bag will you? I'll pack some provisions."

She bounded off and I put my cup with the rest of the dirty dishes. Household work. Hadn't done that for a while. Who'd ha' thunk. "Clear skies?" I looked at Rukh, picking up our conversation. It would be difficult to fly past this place unnoticed.

"Mostly," Rukh agreed. "I calculated that the safe radius around the house is about five miles. Less with your eyesight."

Okay. There was a lot to be said about my eyesight, partly that it was not all mine, but this was not the time. I would possibly not see anybody landing within five hundred meters around the house even if they made a lot of noise. I was not relying on my eyes for information like that.

I used my ears so I was well prepared when my daughter pounded down the stairs again. I gave her a fruit and a small canister of water which she stashed away quickly. Then I picked up my own bag which held enough food and drink to last for days. "Will you come?" I asked Rukh.

He shook his head. "I'll be around."

I nodded and led Sarah down the path. The grey gravel crunched under our feet and there was a faint breeze raising my hair. "Do you know any walking songs?" I wanted to know.

After a short moment of thought she had to admit, she didn't. Poor little smurf. Well, there was time to amend that. True to myself I chose to teach her the walking song from the Hobbit. It was not the best choice ever seeing how I had forgotten so many of the words. Oh well, we'd just make up our own.

_The road goes ever on and on down from the door where it began, now on to Noris we must roam to find the ponds here if we can._

Sarah crowed in delight and I don't think she even cared what the melody had once been. I was hard put, trying to remember the verses we made up as she certainly would demand to sing them on our way back again and expected me to remember the words. At least the ponds would be easy to replace with Storm's house.

The lake turned out to be a rather small thing, more like a big tub of stone. It couldn't have been more than twenty metres across. A stream was falling into it over slanting rapids and after whirling around for a while in the rocky confinement, expanded into a small body of water. There was no shore to speak of. Where there was no rock, the trees reached right up to the lake, dipping their roots into the clear water. A perfect water playground if I had ever seen one.

"Swim! Let us swim!" It was a small miracle that Sarah didn't jump into the water there and then. I was relieved I hadn't brought the towels. I wanted to be sure this place was safe before I let my smurf jump into it from anywhere. Rukh would have to keep her busy while I did that. But she was right, the water looked inviting.

We walked around the small lake and jumped across the stream repeatedly. I allowed Sarah to take off her shoes and socks and plash around in it with her trousers rolled up. "It is cold, mama. Why is it cold?"

The question was rather why all the water on Csilla had room temperature. I would take some explaining. I found a nice flat part of the rocks that looked as if the stream had smoothed it over time and then moved on and settled down, unpacking the picnic. It was just so nice to sit in the sun and feel it stream over my skin.

"Mama? Are you sad?" A small hand ran over my face and came away wet.

Oops. "No, I am not sad. I am very, very happy." I smiled and hugged her before she had a chance to flee. "Now, I will tell you why the water is cold. Are your feet cold?" I reach for them and since I was at it tickled my daughter.

She returned the favour with a vengeance and it took some time before I got around to tell her about things like hot springs, polar caps and water cycles while she played with something to eat. It would be nice indeed to return to this place. I could see us spending whole days here.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	73. Chapter 72

The holiday was a spiffing success! After the first day Sarah was almost glued to the little pond. She was a real water rat and didn't think much of getting out of the lake.

"Your skin is all wrinkly," I told her. "What if it falls off?"

"Mama!" She was taking no shit from me and I had to listen to a very long explanation why skin couldn't just fall off. At least she was lecturing me from the rock plateau which had become our second home.

There was a third home in the bushes in the garden. She spent a lot of time there with Rukh, learning how to survive in the wild. I did not mind because I knew she was in capable hands and maybe she'd need it. This was Star Wars after all and the education in survival couldn't be broad enough.

Storm was mostly away which I counted as a blessing. Sarah kept badgering him about coming to swim with us but he always had a reason why he was prevented from coming. I was grateful, though I did slowly get used to not wearing much or anything. And some evenings he was back soon enough for dinner and taught us the children's version of gasha. To my shame, I lost to Sarah very often.

"Of course I am doing that on purpose," I told Storm. We were sitting in the living room in front of a keenly useless but extremely comforting fire. I was trying to keep my books in order. It was slowly becoming second nature, opening those files and checking on everything in the evening.

I was also writing notes in reply to such calls as could not be ignored. Since I was still a very unimportant person, those were few. I also wrote notes to Threll and Okara. There seemed to be no equivalent of postcards so that would have to do.

"It might do her confidence some good, if you let her win once in a while as well." I didn't even look up but could read his reply in the shifting of his weight on the sofa.

"It would not be true," he objected. "It would be a false sense of security."

"What's so wrong about that?" I wanted to know. I closed my files and focussed on the man sitting next to me. He had raised children, maybe I should listen to what he had to say at least.

"Life will not be kind to her," he said. "And Chiss society certainly won't. Who can prepare her for that?"

"I don't have to." I sighed. "She'll be running into walls anyway and I'll help her deal when it happens. I won't put up extra walls for her though."

"You could teach her how to avoid running into them," Strom chided softly.

"I want to teach her how to be happy," I replied. "Nobody else seems to be doing that."

"Is happiness the most important thing in life?" He put away his own pad. Oh dear, serious discussion time.

I couldn't help the smile creeping over my face. I loved serious discussion time with Storm. Even if we disagreed most diametrically, we still made the argument work somehow. So far I had not felt the urge to throttle him. Much. In comparison to other Chiss I knew. Specifically my Admiralship. I preferred to agree with Thrawn because arguing with him was such a pain. And I always lost. And Storm never made me feel as if I lost.

One fire, two bottles of spiced water, and half a night later we still didn't agree. But it didn't matter. I trudged up the stairs looking forward to what little sleep I would still get. I stood at the window for a while, just staring out into the star littered night. Scraps of thin clouds drifted across the sky, illuminated by the three pinpoint moons scattered carelessly across the darkness. I was missing the sight already. And I still had a whole week on Noris.

A week that was passing much too fast. I watched Sarah splashing around in the shallow rapids, caught up completely in the story she was telling herself. She looked very happy. It broke my heart that she should have to return to Csilla so soon. But that was the curse of holidays. From the first one you took to probably the last you got, they were always too short. And they always cast you back into a life from which you needed to take a break.

I looked down at the novel I was reading. I hadn't read that much purely for pleasure since I had arrived in the GFFA. And I totally loved it. Chiss literature was all over the place and what I called science fiction passed for literary fiction here. All that space travel and seeing places and technology messing up your life was so ordinary here that Storm even mocked me for my reading taste.

But I let him laugh and mock because overall being seen as an intellectually challenged person was advantageous to my plans. Plus, I really liked the pacing and themes of Inrokini'nar'kali. Her characters were likeable and I could almost identify with them as they got constantly cast into situations that were as foreign to me as to them and they had to deal. The fact that they should be able to deal in theory but couldn't for whatever reasons, made the stories somewhat dysfunctional as everyday descriptions from a Chiss point of view.

"Dardar!" A wet blue smurf streaked past me, showering me with cold droplets as she passed. "Dardar! You come. Now swim!" She bounced up and down beside Storm who had finally deigned to show up.

He approached wearing wide, flowing robes; easy to wear and easy on the eye as well. I would be damned before I turned around and stubbornly looked up from where I lay with my belly plastered to the ground.

It was very inconvenient to look up at him like this, but I would not be moved. "How kind of you to join us." I smiled and tried to feel it.

"It was inevitable, wasn't it?" He smiled at Sarah who kept tugging at his sleeve. "Can't disappoint her, can I now?"

My smile became real, though I still didn't move. I tried not to think of going into the water. I tried not to think about how it had been a very good idea to let my dress double as a blanket. It did a great job, but right now it was not what I wanted.

"I can swim. I show you!" Sarah shot me a glance and when I nodded she shot of and made a huge splash in the lake. "Come dardar!"

"I'd better, don't I?" Thankfully he face the water as he shrugged out of his robes and followed my daughter, leaving me behind in all my confused embarrassment.

It was only a matter of time before Sarah would demand my presence in the water as well. I tried to congratulate myself on rising her a real Chiss in that regard at least. Too bad that didn't do much for my own inhibitions. I closed my novel and made sure the pad away safely tucked away in case of unexpected fountains.

"Mama!" Came the expected call. "Where are you?"

"I'm coming, luv!" The things we do for love. I cast a last glance at my pad and dress before following the squeals into the water.

It wasn't so bad. Sarah was paddling around like a mad smurf on cocaine with me and Storm throwing her around now and then. We dove and tried to hold our breaths as long as we could. And though the water was very clear, it gave me a sense of security and coverage.

It was the first time Sarah was tired before I was cold. She climbed up the roots of a tree like a monkey just to fall asleep on her dress, drenching it. So much for that. My maternal instincts kicked in and I made sure she was covered so she wouldn't get a sunburn. It was the last thing she needed on her last days here.

"Thank you for coming," I murmured at Storm, still looking at Sarah. "It means so much to her."

"You're doing well with her." He sat down beside me, robes back in place.

I tried not to show my relief by pulling my towel a little tighter around my shoulders. "With a lot of help," I replied.

"My pleasure." He reached out to push a strand of black hair from Sarah's forehead. "I miss having young children."

I could tell. I didn't say that out loud, though. Instead I wondered if I would feel that way when Sarah was grown up. I'd find out. Or so I hoped. "You can borrow her sometimes," I said. "But I'm afraid you'll have to get your own if you want more time than an occasional visit."

"And where do you suggest I get them?" He raised a bow at me.

"I don't know." I shrugged. "Steal some? Make some? Can't be too late for you to enchant another woman, can it?" I grinned.

"You make that sound so easy."

"You are a very charming man, Kres'tor'manad," I said earnestly. "I am sure with some effort and wooing, many a woman will gladly give you children, even those they already have."

Suddenly he laughed. "It doesn't work quite like that, though, does it?"

I wrinkled my forehead in thought. "Can't think why not. It'd work on me if I wasn't on a mission."

"And where do I find a woman my age who is not on a mission?"

"Oh." I had no answer to that. "In that case, I guess you'll have to steal them after all."

"Looks like it." He got up. "I'll see you later."

I nodded. and smiled. "Thank you."

His eyes flashed in amusement as he turned away, the robes swaying softly with the movement. It would have been nice if there was something left to imagination, but those times were over for good.

With a sigh I returned my attention to Sarah and after a while laid down again to read.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	74. Chapter 73

After almost two weeks, the weather decided it had been nice enough. Clouds raced across the sky, the wind pulled leaves from the trees and blew the dust of the road into our eyes. Sarah watched the spectacle with wide eyes. I explained the basics of weather to her, though actually seeing a storm was something else entirely.

"This is storm?" She asked again. "Why is it?"

I had to look up quite a lot of meteorology before I could explain it. We had had short rain showers before, but they had been warm and adequate for running around in them in light dresses and with bare feet.

A first volley of lightning went off and I suddenly found my daughter very attached to me. I put my arm around her shoulder and promised that everything would be alright.

"How long is storm?" She wanted to know meekly.

"Until it is over," I replied. "That can be short or the whole night.”

She pressed he body against mine. "Can it come in?"

"No, luv." I kissed her. “I cannot come in. And Rukh will make sure your windows are extra shut and the curtains tight. It cannot come in."

"Can Rukh stay?"

For a second I wondered if I should be offended that she would chose the Noghri for protection. But apart from being the more sensible choice, he was also more at home in the dead of night when the nightmares crept about. I glanced at my bodyguard who growled almost inaudibly and nodded.

"Yes, luv. He will stay and make sure you are safe." I ran my hands over her hair. "Do you want to go to bed already?"

She nodded and that worried me more than anything. Hiding in bed was something that she only did when she was really frightened. It was sad that our usual materials for building a fortress in her bed were not around. It was not necessary very often, but it did help.

"Okay, let's get you ready." I picked her up, which I wouldn't be able to keep up all the way up the stairs. "What do must we do before you can sleep?"

Sarah began to rattle off our evening routine, the storm forgotten for now. I hoped to keep it that way for as long as possible. A first crack of thunder shattered my hopes of getting her to sleep before the storm broke loose. It would be a long evening.

It had  indeed  taken forever for Sarah to fall asleep. I could not blame her. Rukh had taken up position at the side of her bed, looking uncomfortably comfortable about sleeping in a chair. I went down the stairs accompanied by another rumbling of thunder. Freezing in mid-motion I waited to hear if Sarah had woken again, but all stayed silent. Or almost silent. The patter of rain grew louder.

When I had reached the living room, it was rumbling in its own right. A look out of the terrace door showed streaks of silver rain as far as the glow from the house reached. They seemed to unwind from above like so much string.

Opening the door a crack, I held my hand out and felt the water burst on my skin with my eyes closed. Rain. The real thing. Not the soft drizzle of summer days, the almost fog that slowly seeped through your clothes, but real rain that ate through your clothes like acid.

A stealthy look around showed no other light. Storm had probably given up and gone to bed without any arguing. I couldn't blame him either. His namesake sent another volley of bright lightning, its edges tinted with an eerie purple. I didn't know whether to put that down to the new planet or the new eyesight. Thunder followed closely, accosting my ears as much as my stomach.

Another glance around still showed only me, standing at the door to the tempest, tempted. I gave in. Pulling the door close behind me, I stepped into the raging elements. It was glorious. The thick curtain of rain soaked me within moments, plastering the thin cloth to my skin and my hair to my skull. It ran down my face in streams, formed rivulets down my arms and back, tickling my neck in passing.

I laid my head back and opened my mouth wide. You could indeed drown in rain like this. I sputtered but didn't change my position. Then I began to raise my arms. Slowly, very slowly following now this kharath now that, swaying as the wind tugged at me. But I was stronger. I held out. My arms met over my head intertwining on their slow way back down and my feet found a fighting stance.

It was  Stargazer and Sunrise for  a while but it was too slow, too much of a counterpoint to the storm and I broke from its path more and more, moving faster until I was spinning with my arms spread and a smile twelve parsecs wide, scattering the rain from my upturned face in all directions

Rain!

Only when I stopped did I realize how completely out of breath I was. My chest was heaving with my lungs' efforts to suck up all the air they needed to filter enough oxygen out of it as needed pumping into my system.

My muscles ached. They also cooled down quickly in the downpour that washed away my body heat like dust. When I lowered my head, I felt as if the bones in my neck ground on each other. But glorious water kept streaming all over me. I took a step towards the door, caught myself and waited until the ground had stopped shaking before taking the next.

Light was pouring through the glass of the terrace door,  and to my surprise, it opened when I approached. The disapproving face of Storm loomed over a towel and since  the former was not very fluffy  it  was ignored in  favour of the latter. 

I dipped my face into the soft, dry fabric and left it to him to close the door behind me. It was warmer inside; an unexpected fire was burning merrily in the fireplace while I dripped all over the floor. But the wet clothes made me shiver anyway. My fingers proved to be too frozen and too tired to do anything about that much.

"You will also be your own death one day, Mellanna," Storm sighed.

I chuckled but it sounded suspiciously like a snuffle. "Please adopt Sarah if I do."

If his hands hadn't been helpfully engaged in preventing my death by  hypothermia , he would have flicked a whole bin of dust from his robes. As he could not do that, he flicked the wet heap of cloth out the doors onto the terrace. 

I pulled the towel around me tightly, feeling water trickling down my neck from my hair. "Sorry."

"You'd better be." He took my shoulders and was about to shake me. Instead he suddenly pulled me close, staring at my face as if seeing it for the first time. "Are you alright? Do you feel feverish? Does it hurt?"

I blinked, feeling droplets of water move from my lashes to my cheeks. "I am fine, Storm. A little cold, that's all."

"Are you sure?" He turned me this way a little and that, scrutinizing my face. Then his eyes hit my shoulders. He followed the length of my arm with his gaze, looking more worried by the moment. "Is it contagious?" His index fingered hovered over my skin for a moment before touching it cautiously.

I tried to see what his problem was, but there was only my skin. It was even dry by now, if still sporting some goose bumps. Storm knew about goose bumps because even Chiss got cold sometimes. I stared at my skin in incomprehension.

"They are everywhere." I was turned around as he investigated the back of my shoulders.

They? What? I raised my arm, holding on to the towel with the other and looked. Really looked, as if it was not my arm. What did I see? What was there, that was so worrying? I had gotten a tan if you wanted to call it that and was now a nice shade of off-white instead of reflecting. And –

I burst into laughter so suddenly, that I almost dropped the towel. And I couldn't stop. My whole body shook with laughter. I doubled over, and would have collapsed on the ground if Storm had not made it his personal mission to keep me somewhat standing.

"Freckles," I finally breathed. "They are called freckles." And laughing overwhelmed me again.

To his credit, Storm still did not let me fall but manhandled me onto the sofa. "I take that as meaning they are harmless and you have had them before."

I nodded and hoped he would recognize the movement through my laughing.  "I'm so sorry." I was wheezing.  "I am so, so sorry."

For a while I concentrated on breathing and getting myself back under control. "It's just that it never occurred to me." I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and leaned back against the backrest. "They're normal for me, Storm. I used to get them each summer and no mistaking."

"I would be more relieved if I was less annoyed."

"At least you are still all honest," I grinned. "That makes me feel much better about my outburst." Breathing regularly felt just so nice. "The day I throw you out of your temper will be one to remember indeed."

"Likely not in a good way." He regarded me in silence.

I couldn't stop grinning and pulled the towel up over my shoulder. Though there was still a fire going, it was not warming  me much from this distance. "Why are you up anyway?"

"I saw the light in the living room and you were nowhere around." His fingers shrugged as if that explained everything. Maybe it did.

I snuggled up in my blanket substitute and watched the fire until my eyes grew heavy.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	75. Chapter 74

I was woken by somebody jumping up and down on me. Cracking open a lid exposed the culprit to be my daughter who seemed to be inexplicably excited about seeing me.

"Mama. Why you sleep here?" There was no chance for more sleep under this bouncing.

I opened my other eye as well and had to realise that I was still on the sofa in the living room. The towel had gotten company from a blanket that had been spread over it, myself, and the sofa liberally. The armrests didn't need any company to make my neck crack when I moved.

The last thing I remembered was the soothing noise of the fire and its light dancing over my closing eyes. It seemed I had not gotten around to the part where I got up and curled up in my bed. Which meant that Sarah could now abuse me as a trampoline. I ended that with a hug attack.

After Sarah had gotten enough of a revenge to satisfy her, I sat up and looked around. The sky was still overcast. I hoped that would make it easier to leave this place behind.

Storm did not help this at all by calling for Sarah from the kitchen. "Young lady," he admonished sternly, "what does your mother tell you about breakfast?"

She looked at me uncertain for a moment but I smiled. We both knew Storm was just putting on a show. "Not to play with it?" She finally ventured.

I nodded importantly.

"That, too." There was a sigh hidden in Storm's tone. "I will come back to that as soon as you actually have some." He pointed at the set table.

" _On y va_." I gently pushed her into the direction of the kitchen. "Or Storm will eat everything himself."

"I heard that," he called back.

"Good." I grinned at Sarah.

"Won't let him." She stomped off full of determination.

I rolled myself into the towel-blanket combination and made my way to my room. The bed was indeed unslept in. The pillows would surely have been better for my neck. I rolled my head and felt the bones grind against each other.

Well, one last day. I looked at the mostly packed bags and then out of the window. I had gotten so used to this so fast. Okay, the occasional incursion of normal life could not be completely averted, but overall I had done good. Maybe Storm would forgive me one day for all the weird inquires coming from his account.

It had been a golden opportunity, so I had used it. And some questions were better asked by him than me anyway. If I wanted answers that were not flat out lies. I had gotten surprisingly many of those. And truth be told, I would not have noticed. Thank you Formbi for being a formidable asshat.

I had done the snooping around in his past completely in the open for all to see. That he had snubbed me in public obviously rankled me so badly that I, once again, forgot about all decorum. Not that I would find anything incriminating.

And I hadn't. Which in my case didn't mean, I didn't know anything. The way his involvement with the Outbound Flight was depicted might be all very cohesive and logical, but I did not buy a word of it. Formbi had been out there meddling. He had been going for a coup for his house. And no matter how well they managed to hide this, I still knew it was there.

And now I knew that the records lied. Maybe through their teeth, maybe outright, but they lied. They were just as trustworthy as the blue-skinned buggers they had been written by. I would not be fooled by that any longer.

When I arrived at breakfast, Sarah had predictably moved on to playing with her food. When she saw me enter the room she took a guilty bite, but it didn't last long. I was tempted to slump over a cup of tea but decided against it. I could slump all I wanted when Sarah was out of sight. That would happen more than enough once we got back to Csilla. I shuddered thinking of the ice-coated hell lying in wait.

"Are you cold?" Sarah asked. "It is cold. Dardar says it is cold. The sun is away."

I glanced out the window. "So it is, luv. I'm afraid that means no swimming today."

She made a face. "I am not cold."

"No, but the water is," I told her. "And then you will be too and you will–" I hesitated. I could hardly try to frighten her with turning blue from the cold. Parenting, this was not what I had expected.

"Will what?" Naturally, she caught on to my insecurity. After all, there might be a way to weasel some swimming out of me.

"You will become ill and can't go to pre-school back home," I finished instead.

"When are we home?"

"Tomorrow." It was technically not a lie. Time difference was even more of a pain in the arse in space travelling between planets. It was to be expected but still sucked.

Sarah considered in silence which didn't keep her from racing scraps of food over her plate. "Tomorrow is pre-school?" Before I could get into the fine details if time difference, she fortunately went on. "I want to go. I don't want to be sick."

"Nobody wants to be sick," I replied. "And there are other things we can do. Have you explored some of the muddles already?" So much for talking before my first cup of tea and trying to say puddles of mud.

"Muddles? What muddles?" Storm raised an accompanying eyebrow in question, emphasising Sarah's curiosity.

"Well, when it rains so much," I explained, "the ground gets wet and muddy and full of puddles. Very interesting thing muddles. You never know what's in them."

I didn't know how Storm would view dragging my daughter through the plashy outside, but I would be damned if I robbed my smurf of the one opportunity to play in the mud. I might regret it later, but I would sure appreciate it some more time later after cleaning up.

"Dardar explore muddles too?" She looked expectantly at the figure that managed to lounge almost regally against the kitchen counter. Not even the almost accurate replications of Sarah's new vocabulary moved him.

"I have seen many muddles in my time," he said seriously. "I think I will leave them to you."

Too bad. A mud-splattered Storm would have been a sight to remember for the rest of my life. I would have to live without that. And I would, for now, also have to live without a daughter who had ever gotten herself muddy from head to toe. Though the general idea of exploring the pools left in the wake of the storm, she found no real pleasure in plunging her hands into the water or mud.

Admittedly, the discoveries were less than spectacular. Usually there was a lot of mud at the bottom of a puddle and the stones we sometimes salvaged looked very common. I bet they were. Still I kept a few for later reference. I might start a collection even, stones from places in the galaxy I had visited. It would be a very small collection.

After lunch Sarah helped me pack and clean up the place. It wasn't strictly speaking necessary as Storm would have some professionals come after we left and make sure it was all neat until the next year. But Sarah was getting to see so little house work. She had been very surprised at the amount of chores housekeeping had.

I had not really been surprised as I remembered having my own place and doing everything myself. It had served as a nice reminder though, how little I had to think about day-to-day things like meals, washing or cleaning. Maybe life in the anero was quite good after all.

"When will we come again?" Sarah asked as Storm locked the door behind us.

"I don't know," I replied. "Maybe next year? You must ask Storm."

"Dardar," she went at it immediately. "When can we be back?"

"Whenever you like. Your mother still has her key." He looked at me and I realised he was right.

I had intended to return it before we arrived home, of course. The prospect that I could just keep it was a little too big for me. "Storm-"

"I know," he interrupted me. "But being here with you and Sarah," his fingers shrugged. "It is a place for holidays with children. And I have none. And I am not here often."

I looked at my hands which were suddenly occupied with my smurf tugging at them insistently. "We come back tomorrow," she declared. "Or next week?"

"I don't know," I admitted, staring at Storm over her head. He busied himself with our luggage and ignored me. "But you must go to pre-school and I must work." Her disappointment was a sad thing to see. "But I promise we will be back."

"But when?" She looked back at house.

"At the latest next year." It was an easy promise because her grasp of time was still sketchy. And a year was a very long time on Csilla. "You will already be in school then."

It was a mean trick but worked every time. She was so eager to catch up with her Chiss friends. Instead the gap widened with each month. It would be decades before it would somewhat close again. I didn't tell her that.

Instead I made sure she was strapped in for take off, even if that meant that I would miss it as well. Storm needed more seats in his cockpit. The plan was to keep to her normal schedule and just not wake her up. Maybe she'd sleep until we reached Csilla and it would indeed be like the next day.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	76. Chapter 75

Sarah was adhering to the plan perfectly. That left me with the option to simmer in my own thoughts or face Storm, that bastard. He knew how to be so nice to me that it hurt. True to myself, I decided to go with the pain. I slumped in the copilots' seat. "You're a right bastard."

"Whatever it takes." Since I had my eyes closed, I couldn't see the lor'kina accompanying his flat tone. "You are a hard woman to please."

"I am not a woman to be pleased at all, Storm," I sighed.

"Then what? Let you sink into an endless loop of work and frustration?" He let out the Chiss equivalent of a snort. "The woman who never takes time to look back will have to be forced to do so."

I cracked open an eye to squint at him. He didn't even bother with lor'kina. I closed my eye again, adjusting myself into a nice curling position in the chair. "Have I mentioned recently how lost I'd be without you?"

"Indeed, you have. So have Threll and Ar'anasi." He sounded pretty smug.

"Have they now. Maybe all this relying on you will just make me weak," I said. "Maybe it is not good for me and my plans after all."

"Maybe I am counting on that."

I turned over to the side and looked at him. "Maybe so am I."

"Good." He smiled. "As long as we understand each other."

Now that was the part I had difficulties with. I got how his house on Noris was a family place and felt a lot better with actual children around, but there were many children in his social circle. There was no need to chose Sarah. Apart from the shock value and possibly credit as a person too good for his own self and sacrificing a part of his amazing reputation for undeserving aliens.

And what good would two weeks on Noris do me? Apart from freckles which I decided were adorable now. Too bad Sarah didn't have any. A blue-speckled smurf would be the cutest thing ever. But she was taking after her father where her complexion was concerned. Hopefully in intelligence as well, but I'd have no way of telling until I could compare her to human children of the same age.

And heaven knew how long that would take. Even if I got my Admiralship back, would I ever get off that ice cube again? Or would he? Would he want to? Well, probably. Because he had his very own Empire now which was a great way to thumb his nose at his people. Or at least some of them.

"Why didn't you save him?" I asked. There was nowhere for him to go here and he'd have to do something.

Storm said nothing for a long while. "Won't you find out anyway?" I didn't reply until he finally went on. "It was the choice he made in the time we were given."

Now this was not the answer I had wanted to hear. I had wanted something along the lines of it was either him or the galaxy, he didn't let me to go down with him, because his enemies had me trussed up and locked away. Anything really.

"You can't tell me?"

"Not without probably endangering the whole operation. I know nothing."

Well, if he knew nothing, nobody could blame him for telling me nothing, right? It was not a line of reasoning he agreed with. It seemed that there were people out there who suspected he knew something and he needed to disappoint them. I was still getting confused by all of it.

"Are you going to be of any help in this at all?"

"You mean more than I already have?"

I pulled up my legs, squeezed into the seat almost uncomfortably and decided to just stay like that until some kind revelation, or maybe sleep, hit me. And he was right. He had been of more help than I could expect so far. It was my fault of following my own plans that brought his influence up to almost naught.

"You know him," his voice cut through my thoughts. "Why would he ever make a decision like that?"

It was probably not the right time to tell Storm how much I did or did not know my absentee husband.

So I lapsed into silent brooding instead. Why indeed? Even in his younger days Thrawn had not struck me as the selfless type. What would it take for him to be? The future of his whole society most likely. He wouldn't budge for less.

So, how could the whole Ascendancy depend on him leaving? It made no sense. Not that Chiss had a disposition to do that. Irritating little bastards. And anyway, the Ascendency didn't have to perish for real, Thrawn just had to believe that it would.

Oh that smarted. Somebody out-thinking the out-thinker? Perish the thought! And also the people behind it. If that had been a single person and if they were still alive and I was up against them now then I had already lost. So, I'd go hoping for a group. What kind of group? Who'd win enough by risking what?

I needed more words to fill in the questions. Maybe looking at the outcome of the trails would be a good idea. Really look. And also really look at the results if Thrawn had not yielded. It had been looking unpretty for House Mitth if I remembered correctly. Though eliminating House Mitth would mostly profit House Nuruodo and they had been allies. Officially.

Why did the Chiss always lie through their teeth? The bloody lor'kina made any dialogue written down without it useless! And last I had read, it had not been obligatory to note it down. So what good would reading through all of that again do me? Well, now I had an idea what I might be looking for.

And I'd have to keep the obvious out of it. What would have happened if House Mitt had fallen? Nobody cared. What had been the alternatives? What happened if Houses were demoted? Could they be split? Annexed? Could you use one House to clobber another? Like, kick Mitth in the nethers and when Nuruodo jumps in to grab their goods, frame them for the assault and – then what?

I felt like going and drawing a chart. Or even better, flash cards. I could shuffle those around until they made sense. And then leverage, lots of leverage and carrots to hang before noses. Technology would work. I had brought no droids, and for a reason. And I knew somebody who knew about them and had been dying to get his hands on some of them for his family. I needed to talk to Ar'anasi about that.

And Thara would be a great help, after all she had been there. And so had Thanio. I would have to get into closer contact with her. And quite by accident maybe some of her buddies from back then. If we talked loudly enough behind Formbi's back, he was bound to hear. It had been enough to risk his neck for back then; it was hopefully still enough to stick it out a little.

Good. Next carrot.

Storm. There was a carrot in this for Storm somewhere. It worried me that I still had not found it. Or he was just playing a game so long the carrot wasn't even in sight. I cracked open an eye a slit and peeked at him. Or tried to. The scugger had left, probably gone sleeping. After all that had been a part of the plan. Instead Rukh was occupying the seat, studying hyperspace.

I decided to sit and scheme for a while longer because I'd fall asleep in my bunk immediately. And I felt that I was on a good track here. Chaf hadn't even been meddling much in the whole exiling affair. Which was somehow strange because it had been the prefect opportunity for Formbi to get back at Thrawn.

Except if it hadn't been targeting Thrawn. So something had been going on that interested Chaf only remotely. Or interested them a lot but everybody knew so they had to keep their feet very, very still. Like Storm was doing now. So maybe it had been all about foreign affairs or not about foreign affairs at all.

Great, I was getting a headache. I took that as my signal to get up after all and go to bed. It had been forever since I had been able to sleep on a ship in hyperspace. It would be nice to feel the hum in my bones again.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	77. Chapter 76

It was almost as if I had never been away. Sarah was pointing out all the differences for a few days but then Noris was like a distant dream and Csapla was the only truth she knew. It broke my heart and even made me put up an image of our private swimming pond in her room. Next time I would make the effort and bring something to draw so she could create her own tangible memories. For now she didn't even have freckles.

The reaction to those went pretty much along the lines of Storm, though a lot more subdued and in some occasions imbued with the hope it would be fatal. I said nothing but kept tabs on everybody who had not yet gotten used to my presence and was still campaigning for my removal. I buried myself in the old records again and congratulated me for saving copies of them because that meant nobody noticed.

And just when my life had gone back to the normal routines of being social and raising Sarah, she left. I stood dumbfounded at the doorstep and watched as she was bundled into a transport with the rest of the family. She was happy enough and I was adamant to keep it that way by making very light of the fact that I was not going to Copero. Because I was not.

"Why not?" She did not understand it.

"Because I am not a part of the House." It was difficult to explain so I picked our robes for help and spread them on the floor. I called up images of the robes of Thorra, Thirba and Thkela on several pads and put them on the ground as well. "Do you see the colours?"

"I see," she confirmed pointing at the House colour. "Ours!"

"Yes, that is the colour of our house. And this is Thorra's robe." I gave her the pad. "You see the brown lines?"

Sarah nodded and took some time to painstakingly point them all out to me.

"Do you know why there is brown in her pattern?"

"Brown is common," Sarah declared. "But Thorra is Mitth." She added after a pause and looked at me questioningly.

"Yes, she is Mitth now. But she was a commoner before her time in the military." I gave her some time to understand. "And Thirba has bronze in the pattern, see? Because he was a Csaplar before he married Thorra."

Sarah took both pads and looked at them intently. "Both are Mitth," she finally decided.

"Yes. Both are Mitth. Their robes are red. But they have bits of the past colours in them. What is in your robe?"

She picked up the garment scrutinised it. "I have blue."

"And which house is blue?"

The question threw her and it took some time until she dared to say, "No House."

"That is right," I confirmed. "If you have no House and are not a Chiss, you wear blue. "

"Because Chiss wear brown." Her fingers clutched at the cloth in concentration.

"Yes, very good." I took my robes. "I have only blue, luv."

She stared at it as if seeing it for the first time. "You have no red?"

I shook my head and turned the robe around for her to see.

"But-" she hesitated. It was not a thought that was easy to think. "But you are mama!"

"Yes. I am mama, but I am not Mitth."

"Why?"

"I have not done anything to deserve it yet." I could see her grapple with the idea that being her mother was not enough to be part of the family she was a part of.

"Why?"

I could hardly tell her that I was a bumbling klutz and just unlikely to ever manage a feat that would warrant an adoption. "I am working on it," I said instead.

"With dardar?" Something was clicking into place in her head. I was not certain it was the places it belonged, though.

"Yes, Storm helps me."

"I help, too!"

"Yes, you do." I pulled her into an embrace. "You are helping very much."

It wasn't as if I could explain how her mere existence helped me pull through this shit. It was a load she didn't have to carry. And telling her that by being such a perfect little smurf she was doing great might just put pressure on her to perform better. She had enough of that from other sources.

"I am very proud of you," I just concluded and went to great length to explain how much fun she would have on Copero. Though that might have been a lie.

Watching her now, her face plastered against the window of the transport, all I could do was pray it had not been a lie and that everybody took very good care of her and was very nice to her. Or else. At least I would have two weeks to think about the 'else.' Or so I thought. The first day disabused me of that notion pretty quickly.

I barely had a moment to soak up the silence of the house, made all the more heavy by the separation from Sarah. I wasn't sure if the fact that she was gone had hit home already. I just expected to go to per-school and collect her later. I was a little afraid of how I would take not being able to do that.

"There you are." Rukh pulled me into the cellar. "The time to modify the cellar doors is now."

I blinked a few times until I caught his meaning. "You distrust the family?"

"I distrust everybody," he said. "And the fewer people know about this, the better. Two are about too many already."

I stared at the door leading into the storage cellars. "Who can we trust not to tell anybody?"

"Nobody." He pulled a small toolkit from one of his pockets. "So I have come prepared."

Dear god. So that was how he spent his free time. Accumulating skills he considered necessary. I was once again in awe of the guy pretending to be a simple bodyguard. "And here I was thinking that maybe this was a good time for you to take a few days off."

He regarded me from those huge black eyes and showed his teeth in a way that was not quite a smile. "Now less than ever. There is a lot to do."

His words scared me a little but not as much as the confident way he gutted the electronics of the cellar door and adjusted cables, switchboards and contacts to his pleasure. He looked as if he had learnt this for a trade.

"You go and find something to do in your storage," he said. "This will take a while."

I went ahead for the lack of anything else to do. It wasn't quite time to swap the sculptures and paintings in my salons again. But hey, maybe I'd just rummage around in some of those boxes. See if there was anything hidden in them that would tell me something about my dear husband and his past.

It was hard work, moving the heavy boxes around. And they did indeed hold mostly art. Art, art, art. I was not surprised but also not intrigued. When I found a stack of datacards, I pocketed them. Who knew what was on them. Novels? Poetry? Oh, I'd love to get my hands on some poetry Thrawn considered worth having. Poetry is so easy and such a tell-tale.

Another interesting find were pages of written something that I would also disentangle later. But overall, all the clutter that you tended to accumulate over time was all art with Thrawn. I sat down on one of the boxes filled up completely with sheet music. What would be packed up of my life? What had been packed up of my life?

After all, I was probably declared dead by now. It had been years. Fucking _years_. I really hoped nobody back home still hoped for my return and drowned in anguish over my absence. I shouldn't be thinking about it. Thinking about it only made me sad. I had enough things to make me sad right here in this galaxy. And absence was the very essence of all of them.

I stumbled past Rukh, promising to be back later and dropped my spoils on the floor of my private parlour before grabbing several white canvases. I propped them up against the wall and a few ragged lines later I felt better, grabbed more canvases and continued to draw ragged lines on them in varying shades of grey. I ran out of canvas and made a note of getting something bigger soon and transcribe the feeling in capitals on them.

"Done?" Rukh's growl pulled me from my thoughts.

I nodded. "For now. I am sorry."

"If you can pay attention again now?"

"All collected and attentive," I assured him as we returned into the cellar. The doors looked exactly the way they had when we arrived the first time. "Looks as if nothing ever happened," I let him know.

"I know." He opened the door and led us inside. "There are three touch-points in the walls to activate the filter. When you use them, try to hit the first, if you can."

I didn't ask why he thought I wouldn't be able to hit the first touch-point. It was a few steps behind the door on perfect hand height for me. The second one was a few steps further and a little lower. The third was only one step away and so close to the ground you could touch it lying down. No, I would not questions this design.

"Once you touched one of them the door will lock and show the cellar as empty. The door at the other end can be opened from here, too."

Again, I asked no questions because all answers were horrible. So I nodded instead. "How did you make sure the mechanism won't react to somebody else accidentally touching the panels?"

"The touch-points are of course coded to your DNA."

Of course. Stupid me. "And yours?"

"You will never know." His grin was truly frightful. "The day Sarah is old enough to understand the importance of it and its secrecy, it will be coded to her as well."

Right. Another thing not to burden my smurf with yet. I would have to keep a list of those so none would accidentally slip.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	78. Chapter 77

Not being able to collect Sarah threw me a loop and completely destroyed me the next morning. I was still grappling with the facts of my life when the first calls came in. The nagging feeling that I had missed something, that something was missing, that a part of me wasn't where it belonged never left. I just prayed Sarah felt better.

"Mama!" Her voice sounded slightly off over the comm.

"Hey, luv!" The only reason I didn't cry was that I didn't want to make her unhappy. She looked fragile. "How do you like Copero?"

"It is okay." Enthusiasm did not look like that. I saw Thorra float into the back of the image, messaging me with her lor'kina. Things were tense but they managed fine. Sarah was not too obnoxious and would get over being separated from me. Eventually. There was a big exclamation mark of disapproval over the eventually. Well, I couldn’t help it.

"Tell me all about it." I really wanted to know. From what I knew it was early spring on Copero right now. Was there still snow? How did the early flowers look? Soon she was babbling away happily and had almost forgotten I was not there in person.

"When will you come?" There was an undeniable plea in her voice.

"Maybe next year," I replied. "Then you can show me those yellow flowers. Are you sure they eat bunnies?"

She was sure. And boy, would she show me next year. Truth be told, she would make pictures of it and send them to me. Right now. Thorra almost had to hold her in place physically to get a decent goodbye out of her. I didn't mind. As long as she was happily occupied.

I was also occupying myself, if not always happily. The rereading of the records created so many questions marks that I didn't even know how to sort and organise them. There were suspiciously few about the comment Formbi had made. There was absolutely nothing connecting the material to anything but Thrawn's pre-emptive tactics. I was obviously reading the wrong material.

Still I read it all the way to the end and then spent a long time hunting for something that equalled a wiki I could handle. The 'I could handle' being the difficult thing about that. It seemed that the average Chiss was a tech wizard. I would be happy with a basic linking and sorting feature which might have been easier to find if I had known how I wanted to sort.

And I had just decided on that when the calls started to roll in. It was obvious that a lot of people had been waiting for this opportunity to get me on my own. I wasn't sure what they wanted to get out of this. Since I was shaping up to get actually active in my own right, I made sure I knew what I wanted to get out of each encounter myself, be it only an introduction to somebody else further down the line. Steering people was a delicate and time-consuming process.

Suddenly I had to wonder how Thrawn had done that in a little over a year. But it was an uncomfortable direction to think in, so I dropped the thought again quickly. I would leave examining my self to the guy I left behind. For now. And I buried any thought about how I had tried to hook up Threll, though that had obviously not worked out as expected. Another thing to look into.

Instead I examined other people and where they were going in their lives, or at least hoped to be going. Everybody had a point where they wanted to be in five years. And I needed to exploit that. Take Thanio for one. It was too bad I couldn't sic Sarah onto her. It would be another nine months until she was back on Csilla. At least that left me a lot of time to think of the best way to ensure her help without her really noticing.

Everything would have been easier if people would have been allowed to notice. But they weren't. Not before I was ready to spring whatever cunning trap I had devised to make the Chiss recall my husband to the Ascendancy. I'd get to forming that plan later. I hoped. Fervently.

Not that I could get to it now that everybody from the Ne'weëran'ok was gone, for now my time was completely taken up with people trying to get appointments with me with my nuisance of a family out of the way. It was almost enough to keep me from missing Sarah. I was just too exhausted. Mingling had become easier but it was still work. Now more than ever.

The angle of the work had changed. Where the mere being among people had been strenuous before it was now all the measuring, calculating, and steering, or at least trying to, that exhausted me. Though the part about people being people and as such a bother was not wholly gone. I wondered if I would still be me if it ever did.

The urge to close my door behind me and not see another face for 48 hours had always been such an integral part of me. Only boyfriends, or annoying husbands, exempt. And even them I needed to get away from sometimes. Thrawn more than the boyfriends, but he was a class of his own. And I didn't think any of the boyfriends had ever elicited such a sense of sheer helpless frustration as my Admiralship.

"I am sorry," I told Storm, trying to keep a very similar emotion under control that gripped me when I looked at my stack of social obligations. "But Inrokini'nar'ikali is attending a reading of Otaim of her latest short story."

"He is good," Storm agreed, "but I didn't think she was his type of reciting material."

"He says it is to push his boundaries and highlight the effect of good recital." I didn't want to miss it. By now Inari had become one of my favourite writers. Her novels were funny, engaging and solid sci-fi. Naturally that fell more into the category of everyday entertainment here. I didn't care.

Plus it was a good opportunity to meet with Otaim. I got along like a house on fire with Ar'anasi, but that was hidden behind Threll when she was not Okara. Otaim had been a Kres before marrying Okara and did research on the new illnesses the military discovered. Medicine was obviously not all about doctors.

"I would accuse you of being a bad influence and rubbing off on respectable Chiss, but you do not see him often enough for that."

"And anyway, you wouldn't see that coming, old man," I grinned. "Seeing how I'd have rubbed off on you first and foremost."

"Slander," he replied. "But I shall take the hint and make myself scarce.”

"Please don't!"

He raised an eloquent brow at me.

"I need somebody to practice my wiles on."

"And this should convince me to be around you how?" His fingers curled. "I do not like to be a target for practice, nor am I certain I am a good one."

"You are as stubborn as they come." And as opaque, not that I would tell him. After all I wanted to prise that mystery from him by myself and if it was the last thing I did. Well, that list was getting longer all the time. "If I can steer you into the direction I want, I don't see any problems transferring the skill to others."

"I will watch this with interest."

"But you won't see a thing. Because I sure won't tell you when I succeed." I felt smug.

"When?" he repeated raising a pointed brow.

"When," I confirmed. "If it hasn't happened already."

"I see you are working on your psychological conversation skills," he said. "Good."

He was impossible to faze, it was annoying. But indeed good practice of any skills I would need to influence the Chiss around me. Not to mention I could learn a lot by watching him. But I could also watch other Chiss and learn. Other Chiss could be much easier to read than Storm. Or I just didn't know them well enough to realise that they wanted me to read what I read.

I thought a lot about that as my life turned into a marathon of social activities that left me barely enough time to sleep. But that was fine. It left no time to think much and sometimes I was so occupied, I even forgot about missing Sarah.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	79. Chapter 78

After the first flurry of appointments slowly tapered off, my social activities calmed down enough for me to realise how much I missed Sarah. Certainly the fact that we never spent all of our time together had helped make the time we had very special. But now that I didn't have those hours any more made me wish I'd rather be with her always than without her mostly.

I completed the line drawings and put them up in the empty social wing where they stood out as much as the lonely black lines on the craggy white background. It wasn't anything official. Still people got curious enough so that it got looked at and commented on. I kept silent. Let them deal with it for themselves for once.

To distract myself, I went through the haul from the cellars. Most of the datacards contained essays and treaties on military and art. Neither was surprising and neither was interesting me that much. Some contained images of a very young Thrawn, at times with an equally young Okara. I was not sure if they looked exactly happy as they looked too Chiss for human interpretation. I'd guessed they were, though.

Some of the military material contained exemplary battles with an overlay of information and commentary. It was interesting for a short while. Overall I just had no head for battles. Anything resulting directly in dead people was not to my liking. But I learnt a little about proper space warfare and definitely a lot about Chiss teaching methods.

The one battle that had been recorded without any commentary was still over my head, even though I only found it at the very end of my warlady excursion. The recording was long as fuck as well, over fourteen hours. I skipped back and forth, trying to make head and tails of any of the bits. Where was the sense in such a thing? I mean, who'd watch all of it? It wasn't the same as marathoning The Lord of the Rings.

It was the time stamp that finally cued me in. I was actually watching the infamous battle that had started the ball rolling on Thrawn's banishment. Now that put the thing into a wholly different light. Maybe I should watch it start to end after all. All I needed was something to take notes, a bucket of popcorn and a tub of coffee, not to mention fourteen free hours in a row. Fat chance.

Well, I'd just have to make do with the time I had. That would also give me some time to collect materials on the thing and compare those.

"I didn't know he kept one of those," Storm said when I told him about it over a surprisingly lichen-free meal. "The material was declared unreliable."

I chewed thoughtfully on the woody stalk of an opp'al leaf. "I'm sure he had marked the suspicious bit somehow," I decided in the end. "Obviously not on the recording itself."

"So that doesn't help you at all."

"How would it help me if I knew which part he considered fishy?" I carefully removed the ligneous remains from my mouth into a napkin.

"You tell me." Storm raised his glass of water, watching its content intently. "After all it was your idea that knowing it would do something for you at all."

I let my shoulders slump for a moment, accompanying that with the very human version of a sigh. "I just like being informed, knowing exactly what went down back then. I don't know if it will be helpful beyond satisfying that desire."

"In which case you might just be wasting an awful lot of time on it," Storm replied gently. "A less thorough approach would suffice."

I agreed because it was the easy thing to do. And he was right. If all that recording did for me was appease my curiosity, I did have more important things to do. "If I ever find his notes on the suspicious parts, I'll get back to it," I said, meaning to stick to it, too.

"It's alright," Storm said.

"I'm sorry," I replied, staring at my empty plate. "I' am just so lonely right now and-"

"And he is there," Storm finished for me with a small smile. "I understand. Don't waste too much time if possible, is all I ask."

"Doing my best." It wasn't even much of a whisper.

"She will be back soon."

She? Oh, _she_. Sarah. My little smurf. I could hardly wait. At least that was a return I could tick off the days until. "I know."

"Good." He put some freeze dried and deep fried berries onto my plate and accompanied them with sticky syrup. "So, what else will you do with the time you have?"

"Well." I stared at the berries and then at him. "The least I can do is endure. And then – who knows. Anything really."

We spent the remaining time discussing the 'anything' in more detail. But when I was back home in the house echoing of emptiness, I could not let go of the recording so easily. I kept coming back to it, replaying bits in the middle of the night. The ships hung in space as impressive as any description by Timothy Zahn to open a Star Wars novel with..

I blinked and sat up in bed.  
Come again?

I rewound my thoughts and found it, innocently looking at me from huge fangirly eyes. Like a movie intro. Like the first lines of a Zahn novel. The ships hung in space. The camera panned in. But on what? And whose camera?

It had been a battle, a solid space battle with only two sides present and none of them likely interested in taking picturesque images. And even if, why would the image of Thrawn's fleet hanging in space be available anywhere? If it had been one of his ships, it needed to be way behind enemy lines. Not that I put that beyond my dear Admiralship...

And if it had been the Vagaari, how would a recording even end up in the Ascendancy? They would surely not send it as a gesture of goodwill or whatever.

I got up and skipped through the recording once more. Then I made a copy and looked through that more carefully. When I found the first image, I marked the time and stared at it for a long while. I noted the time stamp which was from the middle of the battle. You didn't go ambling around for a view like that if you were that busy defeating your enemy.

I searched until I found the display monitoring ship movements on the bridge of the Springhawk. And there it was. Nothing. Nothing at all. No green blip among the red. If Thrawn didn't mark his own behind enemy lines I'd be damned.

If you were the enemy though... The angle made perfect sense. I would have to do an in-depth study of this. No wonder the material had been deemed unreliable. How did you get such shots? Not at all. They had to be faked. But how and why?

Stop.

I froze myself and closed my eyes. Think story. Think Star Wars. Think about the things that only happen in novels. The information would most certainly have come from the Vagaari. I didn't know how, or why or whatever, but that would be it. Nobody would ever consider this option. It never was alluded to in the whole stuff I had read so far.

I made a note to myself. On paper. With a pen. In German. The language felt awkward and boxy when I tried to wrap my head around it. I hadn't used my mother tongue for such a long time. "Serve me well," I whispered.

Then I shut down the display. I knew what to look for now. So it was time to collect materials, find some popcorn and a lot of coffee. Because if the Vagaari had sent information to somebody in the Ascendency, the battle had not been an accident. The whole trial had not been an accident. The trial for which Thrawn took the fall.

I curled up under all blankets I could find because there was a nagging thought at the back of my mind on who had been intended to fall instead and I didn't want it to be true. It would be too big. I was not able to handle it. I would just fail. I did not want this. Thrawn, you bastard, why did you never tell me?

_"Did you ever ask?" The voice echoes in my bones and his grip around my wrist is firm._

_"You should have told me!" I writhe in his grasp. "It is important. Why didn't you tell me?"_

_He doesn't let go. He takes a step closer and I cannot back away, the ice is cold against my shoulder blades, seeping slowly though the thin shirt. "What did I ever tell you?"_

_Of course he is right. I curl my fingers around his wrist as well, hoping the one-handed grip is enough. "Tell me," I whisper as I take the step back over the edge. I am falling and pulling him down with me, tumbling, whirling, spinning._

_"Take the fall." He pulls me close and I suffocate against his shoulder. But the ground will be faster as it rushes up to meet us._

I sat up with a gasp, dragging air into my lungs. The room is pitch black. Not a shimmer of red to be found to watch me with thinly veiled amusement. I took a few moments to breathe and calm down. Then I banished my pillow, just in case.

The mattress was soft and yielding, reminding me of the sensation of falling. I turned and tried to find a comfortable position in vain. In the end I picked up my blanket and set up camp on the sofa in the shared parlour. When that proved to soft for my fears as well, I curled up on the floor.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	80. Chapter 79

I didn't tell Storm about this. I didn't tell anybody. It might be making sense in my story-addled brain, but in the dimensions of reality, it was likely just a load of bollocks. That meant nobody would expect me pursing this angle and nobody would see it coming in case it actually led anywhere. I just had to believe. Well, believe and go through the damned recording with a fine comb. And a stack of commentary at my hands to compare and make notes.

"And where does your enthusiasm come from?" Threll inquired. "I heard the absence of your daughter was dispiriting to you?"

"It is," I agreed. "So I drown myself in work and try not to think about it."

"That work being?" The image flickered a little.

"Finding ways to impress several Chiss." I would not tell him the truth either. If possible, I'd make him help me, knowingly and unknowingly. It was important to have both. "A feat hard to achieve as you may know."

"Indeed," he smiled. "I have faced this difficulty many times before."

"I am sure you have mastered it skilfully." He was evading my unspoken question, but not denying it. Well, well. Now I just had to find the other end of this alleged relationship.

"That is up to debate." His lor'kina was very serious. "But I have to thank you for bringing that upon me."

"My pleasure." I didn't show my confusion. Who was he trying to impress that I had introduced him to? Agreed, he was by now acquainted with Annie of House Csapla. But as far as I could tell there was no attraction whatsoever between the two. Though they did get along well enough, especially on the topic of their art. And he got to know her after beginning to behave strangely. If that was to be believed.

"I bet," he replied. "So what makes you think I will help you in the same fix?"

"Because I would help you, should you ask." He hadn’t, so I was in the clear there.

"Is that so?" He sounded thoughtful. "I might come back to that."

"Whenever you want," I said. "I'll do what I can."

"However much that might be." He brushed it off. "So how can I help you for now?"

I hesitated, long enough to be noticeable, but short enough to imply just common reluctance, not actual shame about my request. "I don't understand enough about the military," I finally said. "Not the fighting stuff. Fortunately. I don't think I could ever wrap my head around that."

He gave a short affirmative. "You're useless as a warrior or military leader, that is for certain. But what else is there that could be of interest?"

"Procedure," I replied. "The whole administration and information storing and distributing."

"Who would be impressed by that?" He raised a brow.

"That will be a surprise."

"I bet. Poor them."

But he did tell me all I wanted to know. And trying to be more sneaky than ever, I was mainly asking for freely available resources to inform myself. Oh, he did get the occasional direct question, just enough to keep his focus from where my research was really going. I even handed him a few red herrings pointing at Otaim mostly. That was fine. If possible, I'd impress Otaim as well.

The way military information flowed back from the outer reaches was similar to other information/, though it flowed faster. Since military intel didn't have to leave its sphere that was predictable. It was different with information concerning trade or education and science. Everything that did have to leave the military moved slow.

It was another piece in a puzzle the shape of which I couldn't fathom. All I knew was that the information about the final battle had leaked pretty fast. Faster than should be possible. It looked as if somewhere somebody had taken it upon themselves to distribute it. Not that I could find out who. It would take some real slicing skills to get to the bottom of that.

"You can always ask Ittor to do that," Rukh told me as he corrected my position on the latest form he was teaching me. "She can't resist a challenge"

I mulled it over. It was a good idea if only I could find a sensible explanation why I wanted that done. "I'll think about it." My muscles ached from the new ways they were asked to twist and turn. I had once upon a time thought there would be an end to this, when I had reached the point where all movements had been made, all angels been covered. But whenever I began to be acceptable in one thing, Rukh pushed me to the next. I doubted I'd ever gain mastery over any of the techniques I learnt.

"That is not the aim for you," Rukh growled. "You need to stay flexible and know many ways to react. No single response can be etched into your defences. You must be unpredictable."

"Even if that means I am not really good at any of the self-defence?" I could not believe that was intended.

"You are good enough," he replied. Whatever that meant. Compared to him I'd always be a bloody amateur anyway.

"And Sarah?" I wanted to know.

"She will be as well. In her own way which is not yours." And with that the topic was closed.

I decided to do what I had always done which was trust him. Strangely enough I trusted him more than anybody else, more than Thrawn or Storm or, come to that, even myself. _Leave it be,_ I told myself. _Concentrate on things you have a chance of being good at._

"How long?" I asked Thara innocently. "The Ne'weëran'ok will not be gone forever and then my time will be restricted again."

It was only partly a lie. My time was pretty much eaten up at the moment. I had a small stack of notes already, compilations of arguments for and against the reliability of the battle recording, and an appointment with Sabosen'etr'aska to discuss my best pick of lawyers for the project I had in mind. I needed to sort some finances into a security for Sarah and in the long run, I wanted to buy a house somewhere some day. I didn't even care where.

Noris came to mind immediately, but that was stupidity. In a very real way I already had a house there and whenever that realisation came over me, I wanted to glomp Storm to death. In a moment of idiotic gratitude, I had even relinquished the whole set of white paintings to him. The Force knew what he wanted with them. I guessed, I'd never see them again and that was just as well. Already their stark emptiness was making me queasy.

"I understand," he just said, tilting his head slightly to the side as he scrutinised them. "And I am sorry."

What to reply to that? If he had been Thrawn, I would have started a long heated argument which would have led to, well, consequences. But he was not and that meant I couldn't put my hands on him, not even to throttle him. Sometimes that was a real pity.

"I'll live," I sighed and allowed his hand to rest on my shoulder before I caved and rested my head against his arm. "At least I think I will."

"I will let you know should you fail." His hand was still on my shoulder though it was now the other of them and required his arm to wind across my back.

I closed my eyes against the tears welling up and clenched my lips. Basic interpersonal comfort did that to me. It always had and stranding here had only helped a little. "Thank you."

" _Toa'nata'hei_ ," he replied softly. "You are doing well."

I didn't ask how he knew and how much he knew. "It is taking so long. I didn't think it'd hurt me like this."

"It is just because Sarah's gone," he said. "It will pass. Though you better find a way to protect yourself against this. It his is only the first of her trips."

I nodded, rubbing my face against the fabric of his tunic. "I could try to steal another child to stand in for her," I mused.

I suddenly found myself teetering to the side he had been supporting until a moment ago. "Can you not be serious for one second?" Obviously, he was not amused.

I thought about it and shook my head. "I don't think I can. I would dissolve into tears or an existential crisis. The worse the circumstances the worse my jokes. I apologise."

"Don't apologise, work on it."

How to tell him that I had for over thirty years and still didn't know how to. If something really got to me, I felt the need to joke to throw it off and not let it affect me. It might be a horrible survival tactic but also the only one I had. "What do I do instead?" I asked him "How do you not despair?"

"I will give it thought," he replied.

"I will keep my mouth shut." It was a paltry promise, but I had nothing else. If he couldn't handle it, he wouldn't get to see it. I was very good at invisible. I smiled. "Take them any time you like. It's no an official exhibition or anything."

"I will wait until the family has seen them," Storm replied. "That will be soon enough."

I wondered what Thorra would make of the paintings or Thkela. Not that it mattered much; neither was a painter. Which reminded me to call on Thubal. Threll had more or less told us to get together and do some joint thing. Get together we did but mostly discussed how to get out of that one without disappointing Threll. We just didn't go in similar directions at all.

Thubal had gone to meticulously planning his paintings in advance and I was still mostly going by the seat of my pants. The only idea I had was to execute some of Thubal's templates so they could compare with what he had in mind. It would neatly show the difference between what the author wrote and what the reader read. Plus we didn't really have to cooperate and I could squeeze it into my schedule whenever.

"I'm really sorry about it," I said, pocketing the datacard with the instructions. "If there’s something I can do for you?"

"Don't mess it up," Thubal said. "And try to hurry so I can see if you need to try again because your results are unacceptable."

I raised my hands slightly. "Wouldn't my utter inability to execute anything no matter how detailed be a nice point, too?"

He mulled it over but rejected it. "Even if you fail, you have to fail in a way coherent with the rest of the project," he explained.

"I would call Threll an eel except that he is one of your closest friends."

Thubal actually smiled. "Sometimes it is the privilege of friends to insult each other."

"I am looking forward to that day."

Though not as much as my daughter's return. Three days. I counted them over and over. Three days. I only had to endure. Putting on the recording of the battle again, I curled up in my bed. The material from the Vagaari was scattered throughout the whole battle rather unobtrusively. If the material had not been scrutinised so closely due to its importance in the trials, it might even have slipped attention.

Well, I would find out who had sent it, inserted it, and distributed it. And I would also find all the old legal documents that might or might not shed light on the struggles between House Mitth and anybody else from that time. My appointment with Netra had many purposes.

I almost fell asleep watching the recording. I'd never see much more but randomly moving blips. I longed for that stern voice to admonish me and tell me how stupid I was. I'd tell him. And then, and then. I curled up under the fluffy blanket that was slowly growing knobbly. He should send me a new one, he should. Oh, he should do so many things.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	81. Chapter 80

_The clear blue sky shines above me. Under my feet the blinding grass sways and tickles my soles. The blades cut deep and my blood is sprinkled over the green like burgundy rubies. Laughing I dance with the wind that is tugging at my hair, I am spume, I will vanish into the starlit night with a singing sigh, a sliver of silver mist._

_"Oh no, you won’t," his voice catches me._

_I try to wind out of the soft confinement._

_He only laughs._ _"_ _You are mine_ _"_ _. The violent whisper trickles down my neck._

_I catch it at my tail bone and twist the thin thread around my wrist again and again, pulling him closer. "You cannot escape."_

_And still he laughs and it echoes back from the shining walls of pearl, dripping with liquid stalactites._

_I try to turn away, but the wet catches my cheek._

"Snrfhmrgnr," I mumbled into the pillow. The wet pillow as I had to realise with embarrassment. Sleeping with your mouth open and drooling over everything was not one of your finer moments ever.

At least Thrawn's not here to note, I told myself. Then I pushed the wet pillow out of the bed and grabbed the second one. Living alone in a place for two did have its perks now and then. I wondered whether or not I wanted to return into the dream I had just left. Overall it hadn't been too bad. That whisper was still running up and down my spine.

The new pillow made that impossible in a moment, though. A whiff of Sarah's scent clung to it. Sarah, who some nights could not sleep and was awake when I returned from my exhibitions, performances, and recitals. I worried that my restlessness would keep her awake as well, but once curled up in the spare blankets and pillows, my smurf tended to sleep like a log. I hugged the pillow closely and tried not to miss her that much. Three more days. I would make it.

Or not.

"The delay is unfortunate, but we can hardly refuse," Thorra let me know. In the background of the transmission, Thkela was keeping my smurf occupied with a kind of game involving a lot of blocks on string.

"The first official settlers will be welcomed to Crustai and many wear our colour." Thorra made certain with her lor'kina that there was to be no discussion. "The delay will be about a week. All arrangements have been made."

And so I was precluded from the family life again. Not even contacting the pre-school had been left to me. Times like these I was just grateful that Chiss body language did not call for smiling except in private settings of comfort and familiarity. I didn't even have to tip my careful equilibrium with a nod. With a slight raise of my hands all was done.

Or almost all. I couldn't take my eyes of Sarah who seemed to have mastered the boxy string thing. Oh well, I'd live and fucking well smile through that. At least she didn't look unhappy.

"Look, mama!" She pushed the game so far in the direction of the camera that it went right out of the recording on the other side.

Still I nodded, smiling proudly. "You have done it. Wonderful, luv. Can you tell me how?"

And she did, though I couldn't say I understood much of it. Maybe I'd have a look at it when they returned and I could ask Thkela about it, too. For now I listened and I agreed and I let her know that she was the most wonderful smurf in all of creation. And that we would see each other again very soon.

"She is doing well," Thkela let me know in a private little chat after Sarah had said goodbye. "There are bouts of homesickness and longing for you, but we know how to deal with those."

I wondered how many children they had raised between them. Definitely more than me. But then, those had all been Chiss and Sarah was only half of one. I bit my lip and agreed. "I just miss her so much."

"Understandable," she replied. "It will get easier with time. And we did not expect this detour."

I let it drop. Even if it had been an elaborate plan to separate me from Sarah for some more time, what could I do about it now? And who'd win anything from this? Nobody. Not that I could see.

"I suggest some glasses," Ar'anasi said as offer to amend that. She had called with the unexpected news that she would be on a holiday soon and visiting Csaplar. Since the Ne'weëran'ok would be back by then, there was no way we would not see each other. "As soon as Sarah does not need you any more, you are disposable."

Well. I managed not to imitate a goldfish for once. "Damned bucket of eels," I whispered instead. "I didn't think of that."

Of course I hadn't. The mere thought was ludicrous. You didn't separate a mother and child before the latter was grown up. Not if it wasn't essential. And it wasn't was it? I was still one lonely me and no danger for the Ascendancy. I had been careful.

"You don't have to be," Ar'anasi said. "That you are not a Chiss is enough. You can only fill her head with silly foreign nonsense. The sooner we get rid of you the better."

It was a stupid ass argument and we both knew it. But I had experience with societies that would believe the biggest bullshit and from the way she looked, so did she. Better be prepared. Better not even let that start. Only could have done that a few years ago.

"I need to do something really helpful," I sighed. "Something worthy of my own name."

" That would definitely help," she agreed. "Have you anything in mind?"

Actually, I did not. And nothing came to mind either. What deed would be big enough to matter for the whole family and indirectly the whole Ascendancy? Well.

"I need your help, Ar'anasi," I said. "I would quest for alien technology."

Curiosity showed on her lor'kina. "And where would you do that, pray?"

"Not so far away and preferably not so far in the future, either," I replied. "But I need For-, Chaf'orm'bintrano," I corrected myself quickly.

She ignored my lapse. "Difficult, he does not like you and neither does he hold your House in high esteem."

Tell me something I didn't know. "House Chaf is somewhat of an ally to Mitth, though," I argued. "There needs be a way I can make him aware of some facts that would change his mind."

"I can't imagine what that might be."

I would have smiled had I known her well enough for that. Instead I blinked a few times, substituting for the flashing of my eyes. "I will let you in on a secret that is none," I said. "He is still trying to give his House any advantage he can. And alien technology would definitely fall in that area.

“House Mitth would have to lead as I plan to operate in Expansory territory, but what if House Chaf offered help? Out of their own kindness and," I couldn't help but smile a little, "because the Aristocra has caught a whiff of what it was all about and _knows_ how well it will pay off?"

"You speak of unearthing history," Ar'anasi said.

"In a very literal way, yes, I do.  At least enough of it to make a name for myself."

"It will take time," she cautioned.

"Of course it will," I replied. "Which is why I am telling you now."

"Make sure to reserve time for me when I visit," she said. "We will need it as not all words can be spoken now."

"You are right." The chance to be overheard on this channel was small, but I didn't want to take unnecessary risks. "I am looking forward to that."

"So am I."

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	82. Chapter 81

"And you are sure this is a good idea right now?" I glared at Storm who was, naturally, not impressed at all.

"The only time," he replied. "Who would you want to watch? Who would you want to know?"

"Everybody." It was my first impulse. I would want the whole of Csaplar to witness my change to patterned tunics.

"Exactly," he said. "So do they."

So the obvious thing was to stump everybody's expectations and wear a patterned robe on the last evening before the Ne'weëran'ok returned. Okay? Okay. I saw where it would give people something to talk about.

"Not only to talk," Storm said, "but something to think about. They will wonder why you did it and why you did it now. Was there a big breakthrough nobody noticed? What was it?"

I didn't tell him that in a way there had been a breakthrough. The recording had yielded information that from a believer's point of view proved the involvement of the Vagaari in compiling it. The real question was who the Vagaari had been talking to.

Ittor had been intrigued enough to look into the distribution of the leaked information from decades ago. As Rukh had suggested, the impossible was tempting her. It was an affliction I knew only too well. Not that I was expecting results any time soon.

And now it would be something to work out myself. Well, better than working out, though that had become a surprisingly enjoyable part of my life. I didn't have to admit it, though, did I? Maybe the ease with which I could now move made exercising in general more pleasing. It just wasn't fun to do something you were no good at.

Admittedly, being bad at something was the beginning of being good at it. The secret was to have a sarcastic Noghri to kick your ass in case you slackened. I couldn't see any other way to keep up with it until you were good enough to like it. But I was getting good at it and I definitely liked being good at things.

So, patterns now. I didn't know much about that. And I was sure they were telling things as well. I almost giggled at the idea of insulting somebody with a well-placed paisley pattern. Could I cause an uproar with a houndstooth? The possibilities were endless.

"It's good to see you warming up to the idea," Storm broke into my thoughts. "You better get going because I want to inspect the result before I take you to any exhibition opening."

Well, I could always attend one on my own. Not this one, though. Another of those closed doors, Storm was consistently battering in for my case by bringing me as his plus one. I went to make an appointment with Ser'jentos immediately. I hadn't been there for quite a while. My measurements didn't change much and I felt that you didn't see it that much under all those layers anyway.

Ser'jentos was surprised to see me. "Welcome, Lanna," he said, bringing a polite lor'kina out. "It is an unexpected surprise."

How could a surprise be expected anyway? I did not snort but was all politeness myself. "I need new robes, Ser'jentos," I told him. "But not as usual. I would like," I hesitated for an appropriate amount of time, "to have patterned cloth."

"I will show you the fabrics." He displayed a yielding agreement which I rarely saw as nobody had any reason to yield or agree with me in my normal life. It was an unexpectedly pleasant feeling.

I followed him as he opened a book the pages of which consisted mostly of pieces of cloth in different shades and patterns. Of course all of it was blue. He was not stupid and no change in my status had been announced. I let my fingers run over the different fabrics hoping for an epiphany. I had never done something like this before.

Back home buying clothes had been a necessary chore I went about with little enthusiasm. Surrounded by stuff made for stick insects and not quite able to afford shop in the better short-and-fat departments, I was usually frustrated after trying on the first two pieces. At least that wasn't a problem here anymore.

But I had never had to chose a fabric. The stuff had been what it was, take it or leave it. That had had the charm that I did not have to worry about it. Like second hand shops, if it wasn't your size that was just it. My fingers were restless on the different surfaces. I wondered how they would turn out as pants and tunics. Would the edgy pattern make the cloth unwieldy and rough to wear? Would the soft curves of a wave-like shadow pattern make me look like a blue jelly on leave?

The cloth I had used so far was soft to the touch, like a mixture of microfiber and velvet with a dash of felt. It came in various densities and made perfect robes. In the end I decided on something that looked like a houndstooth but so fine it might have been the structure of the weaving. To that I added broad trims of darker brocade-like cloth.

It might look quite atrocious in the end, but I was not a designer. I was not even aware of subtler things in fashion, though I knew what I liked. Mostly things that didn't fit my figure. Flared jeans, sheath dresses, combat boots. Leave me to my fashion sense and that's what you would get. I was indeed very much in favour wearing combat boots with sheath dresses. Not that either was an option here.

But at least I still had a pair of combat boots stashed away at the very back of my closet. Right next to them was a small parcel containing my uniforms and jumpsuits. Some days I was tempted to break them out and just cause another éclat. Or maybe use the light blue dress full of memories for that. It had taken me a while to realise that, though the colour was quite correct, that dress was impossible by Chiss standards and absolutely unwearable. Except maybe in private where nobody saw.

To distract myself, I went over the guest list again. The exhibition was in itself not that interesting to me. Sabosen'orm'ikolo was a good enough painter and her style was somewhat intriguing. Still it was all a little Bauhaus for me. But she was renown, Epitocra for her House, and her guests were elect.

For one, Arond would be there and I would be making sure he knew I was there as well. He might not remember me and that was something I could not allow. There were few enough chances to meet him accidentally. I was still tempted to hit my head against walls when I consciously thought about the kind of people I was seeking out to mingle with. There was no society much higher.

The only way I could be high would be drugs. Not that I got any. The idea to lay waste your logic and thinking never took root in Chiss society. There were fancy drinks and all that, but none of it was actually intoxicating. It drove me mad at times. On the other hand I was still the most unreasonable person at a gathering anyway.

All the small escapes I had been using brought to naught. I went into the garden and began moving through some forms of kharath. Some of them I could do with my eyes closed. When I was finished I lamented the fact that the pond was too shallow to swim in. I would have dived right in otherwise.

Instead I had a long shower, staring at my face in the misted mirror and wondering whether or not to start growing my hair again. There were a few white hairs close to where I parted it. Not enough to look dignified or anything. Not even enough to attract attention. I pulled them out with a sigh. There should be enough for a nice strand at least. Otherwise, what good were they?

Dyeing my hair was out of the question. I toyed with the idea now and then, but I had to have done it a lot sooner as a part of desperately trying to fit in. I was not doing that anymore. It would only irritate people. I filed that notion away in case that was what I wanted to do that one day.

Of course, I was also a dwarf among the Chiss. Damn idealisation of whole species in science fiction. Why would everybody be tall and lean? And I wasn't even wearing heels any longer. I prayed Sarah would outgrow me by a head or more. Sarah, my lovely little smurf who would be back in just a bit.

I sighed in resignation and called Ittor. "How is it going?"

"Ah, Mellanna," she greeted me. "You should not have called."

"Apologies," I said. "I did not mean to pry or appear pushy."

"That is not what I meant," she leant slightly towards the projector. "I mean, you should have come in person."

Now what was that about? I turned my head towards her in surprise. "I apologise again and will amend that immediately." Calling up my appointments, I searched for a free slot. "The return of of the Ne'weëran'ok entails a lot of activity. What do you think about the first of yet'yeo'tea?"

She glanced to the side for a second then agreed. "Have you been to the Audio and Oral yet? It is a nice little place in the twelfth circle in section four of our district. They will be playing the latest compositions of my merit brother."

"I have heard about the music of Inrokini'fga'rabuk," I replied. "I am looking forward to hearing his latest compositions." It wasn't really a lie. I liked music. Since the Chiss had not invented punk or gothic rock, I'd had to make do with what they could offer. If it didn't include a kal'yenok'tar, one thing was as good to me as another.

"It is agreed then." She looked relieved and worried. "Is anybody else looking into – this?" She made an audible pause before the last word."

"No, there is nobody else. There is no 'this' either," I said. "It was just curiosity."

I could see she didn't buy it. "Your curiosity is in itself curious. You might want to be more careful with it."

"I shall keep an eye on it," I promised. "Will your merit brother be joining us at some time?"

She thought about that and finally shrugged. "I cannot make promises as his is a busy schedule. I will ask."

I thanked her and cut the connection. It would be as good a disguise as any for a clandestine meeting, having a third person join us. On the other hand Ifgar was working on bionic interfaces and that really interested me. Oh well, I'd have to wait and see.

I settled down to compare notes on the battle recording again. The lists of people who were involved in this and some other skirmishes between the houses were becoming very interesting to watch. I smiled to myself, taking note of the names that were prominently absent once you looked for them. Something was mightily strange about the whole thing.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	83. Chapter 82

The exhibition opening went better than expected. My sudden change of clothing did not go unnoticed. It was not discussed more than the exhibition, but for some it seemed to be a question of etiquette more than actual interest. I could return home assured that the tongues would keep wagging and that many a Chiss would think about this sudden change trying to work it out.

It was another small victory and I had to hand it to Storm, he had a great sense of timing. I preferred to have a great time instead. This I achieved by spending greater amounts of it on talking to Fenal who was overall not a great player in Chiss society. It made Storm frown and the others wonder, both rather pleasant effects.

Fenal was doing well enough for himself. His position in the administration of Csaplar was not an exciting pastime but it was getting the job done. He was actually governing Csilla more than anything foreign, but there were always struggles going on about who did the administration for what.

He was sure that his work would slowly carve out a corner in internal affairs for his House, a foot in the door so to speak. He pointed out Dhenn to me, a longtime opponent, though they did get along well enough.

"He holds the position," Fenal explained to me, "that trade and finance are already so deeply entrenched in the administrative aspects of Csilla, that it would be only natural and economic to have it covered by one House completely, his House naturally."

"I am not sure I'd be happy with all vital information of a society held within one hand," I replied. "People might get ideas."

Fenal agreed, delineating some of those for me. It looked like the usual delusions of grandeur and desire to rule the world. It was more common here than I expected. From his bearings, Dhenn did not strike me as a likely supporter of my cause. Our paths crossed one or twice, but there were only a few non-committal words exchanged.

"He has been working a long time to get House Prard to where it is now," Storm said. "Dhenn does not take any incursion to what he perceives as his turf lightly."

"And I am intruding?" I wondered out loud. "Not on any of his House's responsibilities. Not as far as I know." It turned to look at Storm. "Am I?"

"It depends on how you will frame it," he replied cautiously. "Should anything change, the changes will be bigger than what you have in mind, they will have to be. And who knows what changes the rearranging of the military will entail?"

I had to admit that I didn't know. But how could I? How could anybody? With some skill and foresight, one might even gain from such newly established structures. Any Chiss with some sense would see that. Of course only those in such in a position to win something from the changes would be willing to support it at all. And how much gain would be necessary to instigate a first move?

It was something I needed to look into as well. For now I kept to looking polite and intelligent as Storm made conversation with Normi. I listened and hoped to remember enough of the content to pick up at some later time. Should Sabosen'orm'ikolo ever stoop to that. It was doubtful as yet. She even ignored my completely acceptable comment on painting.

That was her right, though, and she did not accompany it with any kind of insult. Which might be worse as it meant she might not even have recognised my existence. Oh well, I'd live with that. It was people like Dhenn that made my skin creep as they expressed their disapproval of my attendance in what counted as passive aggressive.

I did not even try to speak with him of my own accord and still his lor'kina was always slanted in my direction, a statement to me and the whole assembly. What the others made of this, I was not sure. He had a few supporters that reflected his pose. Most seemed to ignore his appeal for response. Storm was among them, so I reckoned that even acknowledging such a ploy should be beneath one.

"It is considered pushy to be that open about it," Storm explained on our way back. "He is not alone, though, and he knows it. So his disdain sits more loosely."

We walked through Central, passing by the high towers reaching up around the central stem. Only few people were on the streets. I wished once again for stars overhead or a breeze on my face. The intermezzo on Noris had helped, but sometimes I felt the lack more keenly because of it.

"It makes me think, though," I replied. "That he thinks he can get away with it. After all this time, it is unsettling."

"It has been getting better ever since your arrival," he said. "This is nothing in comparison."

I could not contradict that as I had been holed up the first months and then rather blind on all eyes. "If you say so," I just said. "But still. I have not given any reason for such behaviour."

"Who says it has to do with reason?" Storm asked.

I couldn't help but smile. "If it is not due to reason, my friend, it is prejudice. And that can be anybody's downfall."

"You will find Dhenn and the likes of him tough to crack. They have been playing this game since before your birth."

"It does not scare me," I declared. That wasn't the same as not being daunted by the prospect, of course. "They don't think I have it in me and they won't until the very end."

"Are you scheming after all?" Storm tugged at my sleeve gently which made me want to cry.

"Not where you can see it," I replied softly. Then I turned to face him. "Never where anybody can see it. Not even you, Storm. I am sorry."

"But where will you get help?" He wanted to know.

"Wherever I can. And in places people won't see it." I tugged on his sleeve in return. "Whatever you think you see, do not believe it."

He gave me a long look, pondering how to take what I had said. There were many ways to interpret it. And just because I had asked him to adhere to one of them, didn't mean he would. Or that I actually meant it. Politics was a slippery slope. I't just have to put spikes on my boots and plod on. "Because if you can see it, that means it is meant to be seen and believed. By others."

He nodded, something he was slowly adapting to from my continued inability to shake human body language completely. "If you say so."

I smiled. "I do. Though it is as always. I say what I say and you hear what you hear."

"The mystery and appeal of communication," Storm smiled. "There is nothing quite like it."

There was indeed not and I was still pondering how to put this mystery to its best use when we had parted. It felt strange to exclude him from my plans, but it was the only way that would work. It wasn't that he wouldn't be playing a part, but it would be unwittingly. Or as unwittingly as I could make it. I didn't think I'd ever get him to be unsuspecting.

Once I knew what he was after and when I knew whether or not I could give it to him, that would be the day he would be privy to my plans again. Plans I didn't actually have if you asked me. Because I could not afford an agenda, being bent only on giving my daughter the best upbringing I could.

I sat at my desk thinking of my smurf and how happy I would be once she was back. Tomorrow. It was not that long. A night and half a day. My fingers played with the drawer idly. It was empty. Telling, that I should be forsaken by all at the same time. I bet that my stupid Admiralship would have another letter leaking through once Sarah was back. It wasn't as if I needed it now or anything.

With a sigh, I picked a sheet of paper and a stylus, chewing on its end for a while before putting it to use. I hoped Thrawn could read between the lines as I told him about my deplorable obsession with the recording I had found and how I tried to distract me from it by various activities. I had to trust him. He was my brilliant arsehole after all.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	84. Chapter 83

The moment I pulled Sarah into my arms again was one of the most happy I could remember. It was also, from the trajectory my life had had most of its time, a most unexpected happiness. Considering the past years, I was not surprised any longer though. I had a daughter and I'd be damned if anything was making me happier than having her back.

I smoothed her hair down and restrained myself. It would do no good to drown her in kisses. Not to mention she was objecting already.

“Mama. I am big.”

“Yes, yes you are.” I let go of her reluctantly. And when I straightened, I had to realise that she was indeed and reached to my waist easily. So there was hope for her growing up to somewhat Chiss standards. When had that happened? Shouldn't I have noticed? I had been around for the whole time after all, hadn't I?

Greeting the rest of the family was easier and did not involve much physical contact at all. To think that I had always thought this was how a perfect world was like. And now, living in it, I just wanted people to casually touch each other more. Damn, I was going so soft in my old days. But how could I not? Sarah was retelling the whole of her time on Copero and Crustai in detail as she bounced to her room and helped me unpack. She was actually helping. I wondered what the family had done with my daughter.

“When see we Storm?” She looked at me expectantly. “I made him pictures.”

“That was very thoughtful of you.” I wondered if I should ask if she had been thoughtful enough to draw something for me as well. But then I was her mother. As such, I was not counted among people but made a category of my own. “Will you show me?”

On cue she bounced off, probably laying waste a whole room while 'unpacking' whichever bag had her drawings in it. At least it gave me time to sort through her clothes and take note of the new arrivals. She was definitely loved and probably had had the cuts chosen by Thkela. She'd grow up to be stunningly beautiful.

I was just finished when Sarah returned waving the pictures about. They were neatly sheathed in a see-through folder. Or had been until most of them had been enthusiastically removed.

“This is the best one,” Sarah said, pushing one under my nose. “No, this is.” She immediately changed her mind and the picture.

“Whoa, luv, be careful.” I caught her wrists and steadied her. “We can sit down in the shared parlour like adults and you will explain everything to me. How does that sound?”

She calmed down, or at least got a very good grip on herself and nodded. “I'm adult already.”

“I know, luv.” I released her wrists. “You go ahead and sort the pictures. I will be there in a moment. I just need to pack away these things.” I indicated the last of her clothes.

Sarah nodded wisely and left with measured pace. I packed away the remaining things and sighed. I was not the only one raising my daughter. But each time this showed, I was getting protective and irritable. It was probably not helping anybody. And to get the best of both words, I had to allow both worlds to play a role in her life.

It was a long day, especially since uncle Storm was not available and that was a thing Sarah did not understand. Especially since she would be coming with presents. I wondered what the Chiss equivalent of a fridge plastered with children's drawings was. Since my daughter would likely just have commandeered a comm call with Storm I made an appointment when she was in bed.

“I thought she was playing the flute?” Storm raised an eloquent eyebrow.

“She does, and believe me when I say that you are better of with her drawings. As yet.” I added after a short pause.

“At least she practices,” he replied.

“Diligently,” I had to agree. Not to mention loudly and if possible wherever I was currently trying to get something done. Maybe the extra week with her gone had had advantages I had been unaware off. “I will let you be the judge of her progress if you insist.”

He actually seemed to consider it. Man, I had to be more careful and remember he had had children of his own. Maybe I would consider the idea of hearing a child squeaking out its first tune on a tortured instrument appealing as well one day.

“Some other day,” he finally replied. “When I need the distraction more.”

“I hear you.” Or at least I would once my ears had adapted to the lack of squealing noise again. “What can I tell Sarah is taking your time that is more important than her?”

“The elections of course.” He was dead serious.

I was not quite sure how to make Sarah understand that it was more important to meddle in a popularity contest that was in all likelihood already decided than to look at her pictures. Now that would be another of those complicated conversations.

“The only thing that will sway the results of the election would be Csapla'ron'deren getting divorced in my favour,” I snorted. “He owns everybody, doesn't he?”

“Apart from you, it would seem.”

I did not take the bait. Unfortunately, I did have plans for the Csapla in question and him becoming Meritocra was not helping them any. I sighed. “I will meddle in the next election,” I said. “That will give everybody five more years to get prepared for me.”

“I will watch your approach with interest,” Storm smiled.

“I surely hope you'll also vote for me.” I kept my lor'kina as straight as my face.

“You know that only members of a Ruling Family can run for office? Preferably with experiences as Aristocra?” He sounded amused.

“That's where the five years come in,” I replied deadpan.

“I see.”

There were a few subjects which Storm wasn't in favour of joking about. I let my shoulders slump a little. “I yield.”

What else could I do? It seemed that the election of the Meritocra was also partly responsible for the spontaneous visit of Crustai. A new planet with a new population. And possibly new ideas. The Ascendancy liked to keep an eye on such things.

Since everybody was making a fuss about it, I had tried to get interested in it. But as politics went, it was even worse than following the predictions of an election in a one-party state. And anyway, I didn't have the clout yet to influence it any, except maybe negatively. So why bother?

As far as I could judge it, Odann had done an acceptable job not going in any direction much, neither conservative or progressive. Arond was leaning towards the conservative side but had a mean practical streak that made him unpredictable – at least for Chiss. Hard and fair, plus deadly practical. Of course I liked him, the bastard. Even if he ignored me. Who didn't?

And had Odann as much as acknowledged my existence? I think not. So things were looking up for me anyway. From a person who might or might not accept my existence to one who could not deny it.

“I'm just glad the electing is being done by the Senate,” I sighed later, trying to get at least Threll to talk about something else.

“You will miss the whole excitement.” He admonished.

“Yeah? Make me.”

“I might,” he grinned impishly. “Though the concrete dates of my holiday are not yet set, the timing will be about right to distract you from the election. Should I have the time to.”

“May I inquire what important business would keep you?”

“Of course.”

Oh he was annoying. “Right, maybe I will one day. How did the campaigning go for House Csapla?”

I was glad enough he was back safe and sound. The prospect of losing him to some silly skirmish with intruding idiots was not sitting well with me. The idea to just squash them all before they could attack was very appealing.

“The campaign went well. The House Phalanx for House Csapla is working quite differently from ours,” he said. “They could use some help reorganising it.”

Help he was probably about to offer. Doing the First House a favour was worth something, no matter who you tried to impress or what career you had in mind. Military counsellor had a nice ring to it and one that did not include bugles or fired shots.

“Let me know when you're around and I'll arrange something nice,” I sighed. “Bring your plus one.”

“I am afraid I have to disappoint you there,” he replied. “As yet there is nothing that official. Time will tell if a long-term commitment will be in order.”

Right. If he insisted on being obnoxious about it, I would just ignore the whole thing until it went away. If Okara let me. At least she said it was not interfering with his duties. The measure of all Chiss behaviour.

I decided to learn a lesson from that and do my own work. The collection of commentary on the final battle was growing more and more extensive. Some of the images I had pinpointed as suspicious got a good amount of discussion whereas others did not. Naturally, I looked at those a lot more closely.

But I was missing some more pieces for the puzzle to even fathom the image depicted. Maybe I should have asked my Admiralship to kindly send them to me.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	85. Chapter 84

Storm actually took the time to drop by the next day. Sarah took advantage of it immediately, pinning him down for likely a lot longer than planned. He took it with good grace though and didn't even complain as we said goodbye.

“Keep an eye on her,” He said. “Especially when she is away from you for some time.”

I nodded and was furious inside. How did anybody dare judge my smurf's development and come to the conclusion she might be doing better without me? Chiss standards. That was where all my problems came from. Just because I didn't think they were the be-all end-all of everything. And exactly because I did think that.

But if there was one thing I was ready to sacrifice everything else for, it was the well-being of Sarah. And if everything comprised my position in the Ascendancy and Thrawn's return, well, so much for those.

As yet, there was no reason to see all black. Not in the traditional human sense that was. For my current involvement, seeing black was a good idea. Lot's of black, little of the House colours. Threll was much too colourful for my plans for one thing.

I wondered when calling Thanio would be a good idea, but so far Sarah hadn’t really mentioned anything that would warrant fact-checking with her. But then both had been on Crustai and I should be able to bullshit a reason for calling her from that somehow.

But for the first three days I was just happy to have my daughter back and fall back into our routines. Getting up early and knowing there would be a smurf to wrangle though breakfast, tooth-brushing and general getting ready was actually nice. Keeping her focussed on homework was kinda fun and the squealing of the flute was almost music.

“Yes, she is indeed practising as required,” I assured Thinak. “More than that even. She really likes to play. Please keep in mind that her mixed parentage means she will need one and a half times the time it would take a Chiss child to learn.”

It was not an explanation she liked to hear. I felt that Thinak would much like to dismiss it as well. But she could not do that to my face without declaring her efforts basically useless at the same time. And unlike me, she wasn't one to flaunt her failures.

I on the other hand was once again showing how little I understood the Chiss by not caring much about the upcoming election. It was still frigging six months away. And everybody was quite certain that Arond would be elected next Meritocra of the Ascendancy.

So what was the fuss about really? How he managed to convince everybody that he was an honest guy and best Chiss for the job? How everybody’s connections would help them with him spearheading the political system to gain whatever it was you were after? Well, that was probably one thing. Looking at how my relationship was with Csapla'ron'deren, I decided that there was nothing for me to gain by running circles around him now.

Maybe I should abduct him and just hold him in protective custody for some time so he could come down and relax. I actually wondered if that was feasible and would gain me something for some other time. In the end I focussed on more legal approaches again. Since I might or might not run into him again before the elections.

“Please don't,” Okara said. “There is still talk about you accosting Chaf'orm'bintrano at the Unity Day reception.”

“Good, he better not forget it,” I replied. “Have you found the data I asked about?”

“Indeed.” She suddenly looked thoughtful. “And you might come to strange conclusions, if you wanted to and had a certain trajectory in mind.”

“It would be wise to keep any conclusions to yourself as yet,” I replied. “Though you are right. And it is what I want to use on Formbi. He might get what he wanted after all. Plus some complications, but that won't be my problem.” I almost grinned.

Oh, there would be complications alright. And hell would freeze over if Formbi found a way to weasel out of his responsibilities in that respect. But that was something I really wouldn't tell anybody in advance. The shock would be more fun to watch. I'd just have to make sure I'd get to watch. Hitching a ride with Mr High-and-Mighty for that sounded like my kind of fun. But first I had to bring him down a little.

“He is going to be around for the elections, won't he?” It would be a perfect time to start as everybody else would be more concentrated on Arond.

“It is likely. He is still ambitious and is taking a long-term approach to central politics.” Her lor'kina was wary. “He thinks that is has been too long that a Chaf has been Meritocra.”

Oh dear. Formbi the gormless twat as Meritocra of the Ascendancy. Not something I wanted to happen. He needed to amend his ways and fast. It was my civic duty if you thought about it. “If possibly, I would like to keep it that way for now,” I replied. “But maybe we can make the prospect less daunting. I will think about some subjects for conversation. There are a few things he should hear.”

Her hands rose a fraction. “Call upon Thara as well, in case I cannot come.”

It was a horrible thought. I didn't get to see her half as often as I wanted. But then she had a job off-planet and I was pretty much a home-staying housewife. By Chiss standards anyway.

Not that I saw any chance for me to take up a respectable job any time soon. Even if somebody would have been willing to give me one. I was hopelessly under-qualified for normal Chiss work in Csaplar.

In anticipation of the upcoming election Thessa was visiting more often. As Epitocra for our House she attended most events. We had little common ground though. She was as much as politician as one can be and it just didn't sit well with me. Even if, or maybe exactly because, I was supposed to become one myself.

She was already grooming Thkent as her successor, too, so my chances on a job with her were non-existent. I tried to forget that a move like that would also cost House Mitth all credibility. And I wouldn't even have to open my mouth for it.

So I'd look for a career somewhere else. And if all else failed, I could still go back to actually being the fucking Empress of half the Space Beyond. Now wouldn't that be nice? Well, probably. I was ready to curl up and put a pillow over my head.

Instead I buckled up and made conversation with Thessa because I was rather afraid I'd need her support some day. At least I had kept up with Thkent's artistic development so there was a subject to start from or in case of need retreat to.

“Are you really still fighting to accept our way of living?” Thkela asked.

We were sitting on the bench watching the small waterfall and I didn't know what to reply. The gurgling water made a comforting sound, as if there was actually nature surrounding me. And I was not fighting. I was slowly coming to a place where I was about to flat out refuse. Some parts of it at least. If it wouldn't get me killed.

Which it would, at least in the long run. The same was true for Sarah. Sometimes I wished I had never come. It had sounded bad enough on board of the _Chimaera_ , a civilisation buried under ice. But the ice had done a lot more than bury the Chiss; it had ingrained itself into their very existence. The slow churning of the glaciers and never-ending struggle to win the longest of games.

“Mellanna?”

I closed my eyes, sighed and laid back my head. “It's not like that.” Half a lie and just enough truth. “The older Sarah gets, the more I realise how different she is from any daughter I ever imagined I could have. And it is sad. But it is also inevitable if she is to live successfully in this world.”

“You miss her being more human?”

“Sometimes.” I didn't open my eyes to look at her lor'kina. She liked me and I could be open about some things with her. As long as I stayed acceptably Chiss-supportive, this was one of them. “There will be no first day at school the way it was celebrated where I come from. She's much too grown up too,” I added hoping to distract Thkela. Of course, she didn't fall for that.

“Was celebrated?”

“The tradition was changing,” I replied. I was not sure what kind of lie I was going to have to remember from today on. But I sure as hell wouldn't tell even her that I might not be from Space Beyond at all. And my life before Thrawn was all very much in past tense and gone beyond any chance of restoration.

“But you would cling to the old way still?” There was a trap in that. I wondered what would be worse, getting myself trapped in that or my own lies.

“It was what I had for a first day at school and I liked it a lot,” I replied. “It may not be the best reason to keep a custom.”

“You and your obsession with happiness.” I could hear her stand up and quickly opened my eyes to show her respect. “You are indeed still struggling with our concept of a life well spent. Happiness is very well, but there are more important things and personal satisfaction can be gained from those.”

She left me to ponder this truth. I closed my eyes again deeply grateful that I did not have to come up with lies about my past instead. There were enough lies in my life already.

“I don't care,” I whispered to myself, adding another anyway.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	86. Chapter 85

By the day it was time to meet with Ittor, my life was so much back to normal it seemed I had never been away and Sarah had never been away and nobody ever got off this fucking ice cube ever. An amazing thing, normalcy. It grabbed you without noticing and dragged you, without any screaming or kicking one might mention, into the very routines you had planned to avoid.

I found the 'Audio and Oral' easily. Ittor had reserved a table and I sat down in a corner with a good view of the whole place. I wondered if that was chance or choice. When Ittor arrived, I had not made much progress apart from deciding that I approved of the set up either way.

We ordered something to drink and some light snacks. I'd have to have dinner with Sarah later on, which made for a good starter into easy conversation. I got the feeling that Ittor was unsure whether to skip this step or draw it out for forever.

“Will your brother be joining us later?” I enquired. “Or should I give him my regards through you?”

“I am afraid he couldn't make the time,” Ittor said. It was only half true, her lor'kina added. She hadn't wanted him here. Oha. “But he would like to meet with you some other time if you called on him.”

As good as a rejection as they came. I did not sigh. Of course I could call on anybody I liked, possibly 'til the cows came home. There was only a very limited number I expected would react to it at all. Even if they let other people lie for them in their favour.

“I certainly will,” I said. And damned well I would. Not that I knew what to do should he, against all expectation, actually find time to meet with me.

“You can use these for your evaluation of his work.” Ittor put a couple of datacards on the table between us.

Now that was weird. But I took them nevertheless indicating gratitude. “Is his system that different from what I use?”

“You'd be amazed.” Ittor's eyes flashed. She looked around and when a waiter appeared without drinks and food, she paid him immediately and waved him off. An established and accepted sign that we wanted privacy. Well, well, well.

“Are you alright?” I asked softly.

“Where did you get-” she broke off. “No, why, Mellanna, why? Who gave you this question?”

I mulled this over in my head for a moment, not sure what she was going for. “It was just something I wondered,” I finally said. “I know what everybody else knows about the events but somehow I thought it odd. I don't even know why.”

“It is most irregular.” She fell silent again.

“House Nuruodo as much as admitted to leaking the information,” I said. “I don't know why they had it since it was a Mitth operation, but they did have ships involved, so it's not really impossible.”

No, no it is not,” Ittor agreed. “But do you know how unlikely it is?”

I had to pass on that one. “I realised that military information is in theory well guarded and under lock and key. But Mitth and Nuruodo are very close as Houses go.” I felt a lump grow in my throat. At least that was what they said. “I don't see why they should not share information if both sides considered it important for the, for whatever they were up to.”

Ittor disagreed. “House Mitth would never have given away information like this unless they were certain it would serve them well. It documents a pre-emptive strike, a verboten, an illegal move.”

I wondered what House Mitth had thought to gain. But maybe they had not actually given the information away.

“But that is not the most interesting bit,” Ittor went on. “I looked at the pattern of distribution. It was irregular indeed and did not seem to follow any strategy. Unless,” she made a pause as if reconsidering telling me, “unless it was not actually distributed by somebody from House Nuruodo at all.”

I stared into the silence between us. There was nothing I could add, so I waited for her to go on.

“I have done an empty space scenario on the distribution and there was indeed one. And one that could be filled with,” another pause, “a member of House Prard.”

I felt my mouth open and closed it so fast my teeth clattered. It was not making any sense at all. Prard had nothing to gain from – woah! And then House Nuruodo and I had to hold my breath quickly because I did not want to burst into tears by the sheer shock I was going into over a mere possibility.

“I have put down a name for you, but please, Mellanna, think! Before you do anything, think!” She took a long swallow from her glass. “And be safe.”

“I can't see great danger,” I lied. “If this was anything like a conspiracy, don't you think they would have noticed back then?.” I put positive encouragement on my canvas and inclined my head. “Anything out of the ordinary would have been found. There was great scrutiny on everything that happened.”

Ittor didn't look convinced, but she didn't argue either. “I wondered if I might be wrong, but I did seven different empty spot scenarios and all played out the same regardless of the variables. I don't think I am wrong. But I don't like this.”

“I will not mention your name, if that will help,” I promised. “Do you want to know what I made of this?”

She did not reply for the longest time. Finally she raised her hands a fraction. “In a safe silence.”

So she didn't care much about when she got to know everything. That was worrisome. I called up the schedule of social events in the anero before my inner eye. It was a lot busier than usual. I assumed it had to do with the upcoming election as well, if only because Thessa was invited much more often.

“That will be no problem,” I finally replied. “Is there anything else that will come from this?”

“No, there will not be.” Her lor'kina was belying her words. “Not from this, no.”

I raised my hands in agreement and did not ask from where other things might yet come. “I thank you for what you have done.”

She looked at me as if I had dragged her to the losing side of a war. Not much to say thanks for on her side. “You are welcome still.”

And with that she steered us back to safe topics like her brother's music and how and if a cooperation between them would work. I had only heard her sing once or twice but had to agree that her taste in music was quite far from her brother's.

I was almost late to collect Sarah which in turn made us almost late for a swimming appointment. In the end I managed to get everywhere on time and even back home for dinner. Afterwards my smurf took extended time to torture her flute before deciding to draw, play, and exercise with Rukh all at the same time.

The bedtime story had to be cut short because bathing had taken long and then I was off to look at designs for the gardens of House Sabosen by Nolla, Netra's spouse who did landscape gardening as an Art but had no gardens to speak of. Designing for the anero of one's Ne'weëran'ok seemed to be a popular pastime. If any Ruling house ever decided to change its gardens, they had more than a deluge of designs to chose from.

It was very nice in its own way. Inari was there and I did not make a complete fool out of myself. That was almost a first. It did not really make up for never meeting any of my favourite authors back home but it was a good beginning. At least, she was talking with me as if I was a human being. Well, as if I was a Chiss to be exact. Being a human didn't do you any good here and being treated like one – you really didn't want to know.

I was even back home only a little after midnight which meant I would get some sleep before starting all over again. I wondered when I had accepted that this was just how things were. Well, that was a very interesting question and I would sure get back to it once it didn't encroach on the precious little time I had left for sleep.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	87. Chapter 86

It didn't rain, but it poured. Even on Csilla where weather is not a thing.

I was pacing in the shared parlour because it had the most space to pace. I had been evicted from the hospital. I couldn't really blame anybody. And I should be happy, I told myself, that I could count the times this had happened. She was a very special child under very special circumstances.

Which was the reason she got very special treatment. And since that needed calm and quiet, I had been evicted. I turned on my heels, and paced on. It would have been better if there had been broken bones. You knew where you were with broken bones. Put the ends back together and let them heal with more or less scientific help.

Anything caused by a virus or bacteria was dangerous. Sarah had a unique immune system. So far she had handled the Chiss sicknesses as well as any other child. But the medics were not even sure what was causing her current fever. Nothing that endangered a Chiss was found in her blood or any other sample they had taken.

I was not sure how long it would have taken them to look for things that were not dangerous to a Chiss if I had not completely freaked out and shouted and screamed that my daughter was fucking well half human and had they even considered that? It had been about then that I had been thrown out.

After pacing the corridors of the hospital for some time, Thirba had grabbed my arm and brought me home. It had been a very long trip and he had not stopped talking to me in a calming voice for one second. I was not sure if it had helped. At least I had not turned on the heels, run back to the hospital, and shouted at the medics some more.

Instead I was home now, pacing. I wished I wasn't so lonely, even if it was a very selfish wish. Not even all doctors, nurses, and security combined had been able to pry Rukh from Sarah's side. I smiled at that. At least he knew what he was doing and how to go about it.

I bounced my forehead off the kal'yenok'tar a few times. Then I turned again and made my way back to the sofa. I stared at the row of portraits on the wall. When I sat down heavily, I missed the couch by just enough to scrape my back against it painfully. I let my head fall back and stared up.

Some annoying little voice told me that I had appointments and things to do. I listened to it listlessly for a while. In the end it shut up. Finally it dawned on me that nobody would come to save me. If anybody was going anywhere, it was to save Sarah. I closed my eyes. There wasn't all that much worth saving about me anyways.

I should get up and amend that, I thought. Do something sensible. I wondered if packing my bags, stealing a ship and going home counted as sensible. Probably not. For one thing, the medics in Space Beyond had even less experience treating Sarah. Not a winning situation for her.

I crawled upright again. The sky outside hung low and grey. It always did and there was no satisfaction in experiencing an emotional state that finally matched it. Since I didn't feel like doing anything but rip the universe into tiny shreds, I began the Stargazer and Sunrise form of the kharath. It would tire me. That was good. It would keep me from destroying something. That was good. You could actually exercise and cry at the same time. That was very good.

After exhausting myself into a heap of trembling muscles, I took a long shower, steadying myself against the wall the whole time. Then I slumped on the chair before my desk, adamant to read some news at least. I did not get far. The stack of calling cards set neatly next to the monitor caught my eye. Aden must have put them here, knowing it was the one place I would find them.

It took a while to close the sluices again. By some feat of miraculous capability, I had managed not to drench the newly-arrived letter from my absentee husband. What wouldn't I have given to have him here right now. Times like these no parent should be alone.

I commed Rukh. He just sent back the no change sign. So far, not good. But the medics had only just begun, right? Things like that took time, right? And they would make sure my smurf didn't accidentally incinerate.

I settled down to send Inari a reply. It took a long time and concentration. But I managed to form sentences coherent enough to make sense outside of my head. Additionally, they were polite enough to be admitted into society. Sarah would be well by the day we visited Inari. That was what I told myself again and again.

I managed to spare some attention for the news and other things going on on Csilla and in the Ascendancy in general after that. There was a lot of hubbub about the election of the Meritocra in summer. I skipped most of it. Glowing reports of Arond's past, vibrant visions of his possible future and what good he could do for all of Chiss-kind.

I was not Chiss-kind. Though I tended to be kind to Chiss, even the undeserving because what else could I do? I touched the letter tucked away in one of my pockets. I promised myself to read it when I was calmer. When the news had reached me that Sarah was stable and they had found what caused the fever.

Since I could think of nothing else to do, I decided to have a nap. Actually roll up until the world had changed into a better place.

The comm buzzed me awake. It took me a second to sort my head from feet and pull the beeping thing from my belt. It was Rukh.

“She is stable,” he growled softly.

I nodded, realised that he couldn't see but knew he'd know. “Thank you.”

“They are doing accelerated blood tests to isolate the cause,” he went on. “There is a series of new bacteria in her blood since she returned from Noris and Copero. It seems that some of them got together.”

I clenched my teeth and forced a sound through them. Fucking alien planets with their fucking alien flora and fauna.

“The medics advise you to return and have some tests run in case you are either afflicted as well or a source of contagion.”

“Right.” I nodded again. The prospect to endanger my own daughter by simply being human did not sit well with me. Maybe some kind of broad-scale antibiotic could be pumped through me and remove every bacteria ever. Though, come to think of it, that might kill me. Which wouldn't be much of a help. “I'll be down later.”

I rolled off the bed and went to have another shower. The chrono said it was still way to soon to wake anybody. So I didn't. Instead I went through the calling cards and sent appropriate, if late replies. Since it was still not time to go to the hospital yet, I curled up on the bed again to read the letter of my husband. It took some doing to think that word. It seemed so far away and long ago.

Opening the letter took even longer. On the one hand I didn't want to ever have it end and on the other I really didn't want to start. It was difficult to come out on top of that, no matter how I turned it. So I didn't. I sat staring at the thing in my hands, shaking my head at myself.

Directions. That was what I needed, what I had always needed. Somebody who told me what to do. Well, somebody who I trusted to tell me what to do. Provided we had the same goal in mind. Or something. With a sigh, I dropped the half-opened letter back into a pocket. There was a set of instructions waiting for me. I had avoided it for a while now, because I did not look forward to showing Thubal what his descriptions had created and be sent back to do better.

I put up a new canvas of specified size and plugged the earbuds in. Thubal's voice came through them in precise sentences. It was easy to concentrate on the instructions, though it soon became clear that I would have to follow in stages if I didn't want to smear everything. Not that he specified that. Well. In that case.

Of course, I'd do a proper set later. But right now making a big mess of the lines and colours following instructions was rather satisfying. When the datacard was through, I looked at the picture. It was as if somebody had inverted a rainy day and photographed it at high-speed. Oh well.

I glanced at the chrono again. Finally time to go. It took a while to remove the paint clinging to my hands. But I didn't have to worry about that. I could just put some cream on them and despite living on a planet covered in ice, I wouldn't need gloves. The things you thought when you needed to avoid one topic.

I walked through the grey morning of Csaplar under a marbled grey sky of no clouds. The hospital was not far away and I was expected. As I was led into a decontamination chamber, I was given a complete analysis of Sarah's state. It was doing a good job of keeping me calm until I was faced with my own wall of needles.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	88. Chapter 87

After getting rolled over a porcupine repeatedly, I was allowed to see Sarah. She could not see me since she was still in an artificial sleep while the blood tests were run. She looked incredibly fragile in her mess of tubes and machines.

It might have been easier on me if I had been allowed to touch her, but there was still the suspicion of contamination. For the longest time I just sat there, staring at my daughter and waiting for the message that everything would be alright. After a while I had to accept it would not come just because I sat there.

“No sign of foul play,” Rukh growled at me in Honoghran.

It was as comforting as it was worrying that he was looking out for things like that. I thanked him and felt that once again I did not even have enough words for him. Forcing myself to get up, I thanked him anyway.

The way back home seemed to be even longer than to the hospital. I didn't want to leave, but there was nothing I could do but sit around and stare. Even Rukh was of more use because he managed to get generally ignored.

That wasn't an option for me and though it was exhausting I did manage to keep up the pretence of a social life at least through comms. There were kind words and encouragement all around. Though it seemed rare that a child should fall so violently ill, there was no lack of experience with children in danger.

With a sigh I stared at the black screen for a while, catching my scattered thoughts and trying not to curse the Chiss military. At least it was spreading the pain evenly. I tried not to think about that time in my life coming up. If possible, I would be far, far away.

Or not. Because this was Sarah's home. And she was growing up nicely Chiss and there was no guarantee she wouldn't actually want to serve her country just like everybody else. Or more than everybody else, because she had more to prove. Carefully, I unclenched my fists.

The hours dragged on, creeping along in dogged silence one after another. Each time the comm went off, I almost jumped, and then slumped when it was not the hospital.

“You look like a bucket of eels,” Storm told me. “It's quite a wise move not to show yourself in public.”

“Thanks,” I growled. “I have been looking for a reason to stay at home for a long time. This is just what I wanted.” 

“Indeed,” he snorted. “There is people saying your emotional response shows how unfit you really are to raise a child to Chiss standards.”

“I thought they always said that?” I furrowed my forehead.

“Yes, but now there is at least the hint of a chance you will have to actually leave again.”

“Not a chance in hell,” I growled. Sarah would fucking damned well live. Otherwise the universe could prepare for the beating of its existence. It made for a good discussion and distracted me from my misery at least for the length of the call.

I was juggling numbers when the call finally came. I did my best not to burst into tears right on the comm but it was a very close call. I was not dangerous to my daughter. That was almost the best news I ever heard. The best news was of course that they had found the bacteria causing her fever and were working on a way to contain it.

It was nothing a Chiss would even notice, many of them even utilising the bacteria in their digestive system. For some reason Sarah's body had rather suddenly decided it was an intruder. There was some talk about autoimmune diseases and how I had some and what had likely been done in the Empire and how that might or might not translate into a child of mixed heritage.

If normal doctor-speak was a mess, this was the holy grail. I did not have the necessary vocabulary for it in any language. But in the end we probably got everything sorted out. I was given the soonest time Sarah would wake up from her artificial sleep so I could plan my day around that. I damned well did.

With that off my chest, I just sat staring at the blank screen for a while before calling everybody who deserved to hear that from me. Then I curled up in bed. If you went to bed early and managed to fall asleep, the next day did indeed come faster. Only I didn't fall asleep. I pulled out the letter, finally opening it with a quick rip.

The flimsy felt comfortingly familiar, it's light crème colour broken by lines of the words. The handwriting had not changed. I wondered what he thought about mine, sometimes meandering over several lines, sometimes clinging to them like drowning men, sometimes neat like soldiers.

Of course he started off with 'dear Mellanna' but still. As far as love went, that was as much as I ever got here, at least from that direction. I cherished the meaningless phrase and tried to read the words instead of staring at the writing of a hand I hadn't seen, not to mention touched, or even the other way round for far too long. Damned.

It took forever to read the pages. I kept getting distracted thinking about hands and how far away they were and how we would ever be able to start again if ever. You're missing everything, I wanted to shout. You write about the Republic and the Empire and what you are missing is your daughter lying in hospital in artificial sleep. And your daughter laughing in the sun, covered with droplets of water from swimming on her first holiday.

I was not sure why I was so angry at him. After all, he was to be pitied. _He_ did miss everything. There was another promotional image with an older Sarah and the two of us. Karrde was really doing good work. I needed to ask how that went down in general. I mean, there were images now and then, but I was very much very far away and nobody had ever seen any actual evidence of Sarah's existence.

Not really my problem, though, was it? Thrawn would handle that and knowing him, handle it perfectly. It seemed that the Republic and Empire were slowly settling into their borders, mostly glaring at each other and trying to grab allies left and right. Except for the Hutts who nobody made a grab for and the Mandalorians who said they'd be their own team and of course the Hapes consortium which didn't get its marriage with Leia. And Thrawn was mine. So. There.

There were others, but I didn't have the mind to remember them all. It had probably been some kind of thing among writers in the EU, to create their own little corner with an independent government so they could somehow go against the establishment. Fuck them all. Metaphorically.

For a moment I wondered if I should suggest Thrawn take Isolder as second spouse and make a bid for Hapes. I'd love to see him up against the Queen Mother. I giggled a little watching that scenario unfold in my mind.

There was no such bargain to be made with the Hutts or Mandalorians, so my amusement was cut short. I wondered if Sarah might ever get endangered by a political marriage. I'd have to warn her against those and make some kind of point or other. I smiled because tomorrow this time, I actually could. Though it might be a bit soon for this kind of talk, not to mention too soon after such a severe illness.

At least the Black Fleet Crisis seemed averted. Since Thrawn had every reason to be quite active in the region around Byss and since he had graciously allowed the more respectable members of the Republic to participate, irregularities in the Koornacht Cluster came to light. Those included a pretty big Super Star Destroyer complete with its own fleet.

I was not very surprised that immediately everybody started bickering about the best way to progress and though my Admiralship was dutifully bickering as much as expected, he was also dealing with the fleet in his own way. I wondered how much scrap metal he planned to sell to the Republic.

_The Empire can easily fight this threat from within its own borders. And in case a sudden excursion will be necessary, our trusted allies from the Byss operation are ready._

Well, so much for that. I could rest assured that this crisis would not be one this time around. And my dear absentee idiot was keeping to his non-aggression strategy with the Republic so far. That would need some praise just in case he forgot. But so far it was working in his favour.

The Republic was already showing first fault lines again and anybody who drifted away from the Republic didn't have that many options. And the obvious option which also had the advantage of annoying the Republic no end was – indeed, my husband. What had I gotten myself into? Or out of, actually. Maybe it was better that I was not around to play obvious favourites. It was probably very bad politics.

On the topic of his exile, Thrawn was reluctant to say anything. Probably because nobody was sure who read these blasted letters after all. I was tempted to write some very explicit stuff into one just to see if anybody I knew suddenly turned red when they saw me. Though maybe it would be somebody on his side and I would have nothing at all from it except a stern reprimand about playing silly games.

Thrawn had not been playing games back in the day here. He also had known that something was up, but for reasons unknown had not been able to gather sufficient evidence before it was too late. And what he had gathered was, as I gathered, now hidden somewhere in his notes. He doubted I could decipher it. It was horribly annoying because I had read most of the things and he was right.

Fuck him. Well.

_I cannot give you names. Though even that might just be a matter of when._

It had taken me a good while to decipher the last word. Its first letter was about unintelligible. I stared. I shuffled through the letter's pages. I stared again. It was probably important to note that this was the only mistake in the whole blasted thing. I went over the pages twice and tried not to think of the many crossed out words and overwritten letters in mine.

Fuck yeah, been there, done that. I stared at the misshaped letter for some more. It did look suspiciously like a 'd'. When. Dhen. Well. Dell. Nope, not quite there. I made a mental note because this was something I knew I was expected to figure out. Well, well, well. Damn.

Since that miracle would have to wait for its epiphany, I read the letter again, this time trying to concentrate on things that could be interpreted as personal messages and hints that he did indeed somewhat like me. Possibly. I did okay. Then I curled up, the crinkling of the paper comforting from under my pillow.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	89. How The Mighty I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of tiny scraps telling what happened that lead up to Thrawn's exile.  
> Because even I wouldn't get it otherwise.

"It would be victory much sweeter than what you planned."

Prard'hen'nadaro looked out of the window, contemplating the offer. The grey skies hung so low that he could almost see their marble patterns. Sweeter. Possibly. But also much more dangerous. Kicking House Mitth in the shins to make them stumble so they could overtake them was one thing. But this? This was something else entirely.

"If there is a victory," he said finally.

"Do you doubt it?"

Dhenn looked at the woman at the rickety table. She should have looked misplaced in this run-down room somewhere in the outer districts of Csapla. But Nuruodo'dan'nefer looked perfectly at peace and impeccable as ever. Only her lor'kina indicated a hint of impatience.

"The future can never be certain."

"Have faith in my position and connections." She was so sure of herself. Dhenn secretly wondered if he admired her and if she actually was as certain as she appeared. But she was Epitocra of her house, representing the branch on Csilla no less.

"And what if we fail? What about your position and connections then?" His fingers curled with the question. "How will that save any of us?"

"You are right, it won't." the Epitocra od House Nuruodo let her fingers shrug that off. "But I will not let myself be brought down by bad planning, trust me on this. I will not fail."

It should have been reassuring, but the use of an exclusive pronoun still worried Dhenn. If she had only said 'we'.

"I do not expect you to decide immediately." She got up and smoothed her robes with practised ease. They showed a leisurely red pattern not her own. "I will send you a sign, to let you know I am serious. I hope you will like seeing the new toy of House Mitth discredited some more?"

Dhenn offered a tight smile. There was much talk about Noroudo'raw'navok's impeding transfer to House Mitth. The negotiations between the families had been long and arduous; the Epitocra probably knew that in more detail than he did. "You do not approve of his tactics?"

She almost snorted. "Pre-emptive strikes are for weaklings who cannot defend themselves. He makes himself an easy target."

"I will watch his career with interest," Dhenn replied.

"It might not be an entertainment for very long." Odann laid the parting of ways on her lor'kina. "Think abut it," she repeated. "Will being the last House be so bad if you are still the eighth?"

Dhenn watched her retreating back. It was a question he had as yet not found an answer to. It probably depended on where the wealth and responsibilities of the missing House ended up.


	90. Chapter 88

I felt like bouncing out of bed and down the street to the hospital the next morning. Not that I did. It was scarily early in the morning, not even an extended shower and ample breakfast managed to change that.

I sorted the by now rather crumpled letter and locked it up with its predecessors. Rukh had coded that hidden door to my DNA as well. I felt as if I was living a spy movie when I pressed my hand against the smooth stone surface and the compartment opened without a sound. In some ways I was caught up in a spy movie, but it was a lot less fun than you'd expect.

I sat down before my terminal, staring at it for a while. Then I remembered Ittor's datacards and slid the first one in. I was not going into any depth in my state. I browsed her methods and instruments section. I did not understand much, but she had applied a wide variety of calculations and functions to run her simulations.

I was still happy I didn't have to do all the maths in my sociology class, so I admired the pretty formulae and left it at that. There results were too similar to be an accident though. And as she had explained, there was a hole in the net. I watched the visualisation of how the data had spread. It was not really conform to the movements of any source, especially not, if correlated with the social networks of any Nuruodo.

I skipped the bits where different approaches had been used to explain the problem. After all, none had done a job as well as inserting the right name. Prard'hen'nadaro. I felt as if I had heard that name before, but I could not recall anybody. It certainly was not that right-wing schmuck I had used Storm as an invitation card for. No, his last name had been nardak. Close, but not it. He was too young as well.

I was just turning everything off, when my hand suddenly froze over the controls. When. Dhen. Dhenn. Dammit. Thrawn had known. I didn't get how or why and why he hadn't been able to use that when he was still here, but he had damned well known. I sat down heavily, my hand dropping to my knee.

I glanced at the chrono, but naturally, by now I had to get going or be late for my daughter waking up. As if that would ever happen. I grabbed a few more things for her, feeling that I had put half her belongings into her hospital room already. But there was always something else she might need or want.

I was being expected and escorted to a different room. It was small, looking smaller because it was stuffed with Sarah's things, too, but it looked pretty. The bronze tone of the walls was not quite right to be taken for the prestigious stone, but close enough. Warm light fell through a window and when I peeked outside, I found a special lamp had been attached to make the light this soft.

There was a gentle rustle of water, though no well or spring was anywhere close by. Rukh confirmed my suspicion that it was ambient noise. After his own report on the situation, I settled down in a chair beside Sarah's bed. She looked so fragile. The bed was children’s size, but still. At least there were no more tubes sticking out of her face or arm. I stroked her hand gently, not sure if I could wake her up by accident or not.

There were probably worse ways to be woken after a serious illness than by your mother. I went ahead and touched her forehead. It felt no warmer than usual. Well, time to hope the best until the immunisation was perfected. For a while I wondered how you went about immunising against a completely harmless little bacteria. Only it wasn't that harmless for Sarah any longer.

Maybe I should rather wonder how some perfectly normal bacteria suddenly became so violent. And that only for Sarah. But that way lay madness. I inhaled deeply. Madness I would share with Rukh later, but certainly not with Sarah and certainly not now.

It seemed to take her forever to wake up. But when her eyes focussed on me and there was no fever in them, I had to restrain myself badly from pouncing her.

“Mama?”

“I'm here, luv.” I let my hand wander over he face gently. “I am here. All will be well.”

She strained to look around.

“You're in hospital,” I explained. “Mitth Central. This is where the patients wake up and get better so they can go home.”

“How?”

“You were very sick for two days.” I smiled and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “The medics brought you here from pre-school and made you sleep. It is not contagious and you will get shots against it soon. We must be careful until then.”

Her eyes were still roaming the room. “The others will come later to visit,” I assured her. “The medic said it was better to give you some time to wake up. And get clean. You slept for two days with high fever.”

As expected, she made a face. “Rukh?” She was still searching the room.

Like a shadow detaching itself from its owner, the slim grey figure appeared from where he had been standing patiently and watching. He was indeed invisible when he wanted to, and I had known where he was. It had just not occurred to me to take notice. I wondered if I should feel bad about it.

On the other hand, not letting anybody know where my bodyguard was by actually not caring might be useful. Another thing for the growing list of topics I needed to talk with him about. For now I just watched as his mere existence assured Sarah that indeed everything was alright. Apart from one thing.

Sarah was very unhappy to have missed all the excitement in the emergency and intensive care. It seemed unfair to her that she couldn't remember how things looked. I took it as a good sign that she was feeling well enough to think of the illness as a past encumbrance instead of a current affliction. I was able to deflect most of that by promising to talk with her medic when he came. He could then arrange a guided tour with her.

It was a little more difficult than that but I could leave half the negotiations to the rest of the family that began to drift in and out of the sick room soon after Sarah had been washed and gotten her first meal. She sounded about ready to become a medic herself. I would not complain. Maybe she could serve as a fleet medic or nurse instead of a regular trooper. Not that I knew if that was any less dangerous. After all, she was still out in the vacuum of space, wrapped but in a very thin bubble of steel.

Instead of thinking about that, I settled down to spend the rest of day evening with as much of her pre-school work as she felt doing. Since there was little else to do, it was surprisingly much.

“Don't want any tests,” she sulked when another nurse entered with a tray. Since most of those consisted pretty much of her getting poked with a needle and getting her blood taken, I understood. Fortunately, it was only dinner. And also dinner for two.

“We have prepared a bed for you on the other side of the corridor,” I was informed.

“Mama can stay?” Sarah asked with her mouth full. Obviously table manners were for other people.

I nodded and made a point of swallowing before replying. “I will be right here. And tomorrow we go home.”

This seemed to be enough for her. It was a quiet dinner shared between three and felt so much like family that I was glad to busy myself with the plates as Rukh ran his own checks on Sarah. Soon I found myself in my own narrow bed. It was a far cry from the huge contraption I was used to. Still nobody had seen any sense in constructing it a little lower. Whatever it was with Chiss and their fucking high beds.

I lay there for a while, staring into the darkness. Not far away Sarah was sleeping and didn't consider Rukh a measure of safety but a comfort. It would be worth a lot to keep this up for as long as possible.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	91. Chapter 89

The night was short but I slept deep and if I dreamt, I couldn't remember. Sarah was up and running around when I entered her room. She had already packed, obviously eager to leave the place where she was treated like a free blood fountain. It broke me a little to make her stay and suffer some more punctures.

It might have helped that I promised to play connect-the-dots with her on her arms later. It was probably not the most professional of approaches, but it did sound like a great idea. Storm commed and I was so full of Sarah's recovery that only when he was gone again, I remembered that there had been questions. But then, I could hardly have asked those with my smurf present.

“I be a medic,” she declared halfway through her bedtime story.

“That's a good job,” I replied, wondering if that would be enough and whether talk would ensue or I could continue with the story.

“Can I?” She sounded uncertain now, looking at me with big eyes.

“Of course, I assured her. “Why on earth would that even be a problem?

“Only I'm not Kres.”

Oh. Well. “You do not have to be a Kres to become a medic.” I was thinking fast. “Remember your medic? Was he a Kres?” It was possibly a mean question, but she had spent the afternoon dragging him through the hospital. So maybe she had been able to shed at least a glance or two at his clothes.

“No?” It was a question. So much for exceptional skills of observation.

“Did you look at the coloured patches on his work tunic?”

“No.” She shook her head and looked a little contrite, and some more angry at herself.

“Well, I did,” I went on. “And he was a Mitth. Mitth'tal'oran. Do you remember his name?”

“No.” Now she sounded sad. “I was-”

“Looking at everything else. I understand luv.”

I watched as hope crept over her face only to make space for another sudden fear. “What if it is only for Mitth hospital?”

Not that it was any of my business, but what was wrong about working in a Mitth hospital? “I am sure uncle Storm will help you.”

She seemed appeased and I tried not to think about a more or less joking conversation between aforementioned uncle and me. Not that it would be the worst of all scenarios. He'd take good care of my little smurf and no mistaking. It was just the way the whole thing was reminiscent of my dear absentee predicting things at will.

Thinking of which. I made my way back into the social wing after Sarah had fallen asleep. There were things I had to ask and though there were likely questions for me first, ask I would. I took the time to draw a note on my palm, consisting of two blue dots and one in red followed by a question mark. Yeah, talk about living a spy movie.

As expected there was a general assessment of Sarah's health and the probability something like this would happen again over dinner. I tried to be the optimist and not mention any of my fears because if I had them and the rest of the family didn't what did that say about either of us?

That Sarah would get an immunisation against this streak of bacteria was agreed on as good treatment and maybe some careful testing, the kind you did for allergies. It might prevent some future trouble.

When the conversation slowed down I tried to gauge if anybody had some other subject to breach. Considering Chiss standards I was still horribly bad at this. Applying my own standards I had a sense for this that was looking for its equals. Not that a Chiss mightn't use that expression in a bout of sarcasm.

“You have noticed that I was looking at old documents a lot lately.” It was not an easy subject to breach and I could feel the tension rise with each word. But I had started and if I didn't go on now, heaven knew when I'd get the courage up again. “About the time of and immediately preceding his exile.”

At least I observed the rule of not giving his name. Not that I had to. Everybody knew exactly what, who this was about. It struck me as a little strange that they had not seemed to expect this. I did not believe for a moment that I had fooled the Ne'weëran'ok of House Mitth into believing my claims of no ambition.

“So,” I looked around and the faces that slowly turned to face me. “How much do you know about it?”

“It is hardly a topic for open conversation.” Thkela finally said.

“Oh hell it is,” I replied. “Because if all of you knew it was a hoax back then already, I'd rather know right now and be done with it.”

A long taut silence fell over the table. I waited as long as I could. Finally I nodded and putting my hands on the table got up. “I need to think.”

I didn't look back as I left the room. I wished I could run, but there was nowhere to go to. Even if I decided that I would prefer to think about this long and hard and far away from them, there was still Sarah. And I would not leave her alone in this place. Now less then ever.

For a second I considered hiding out under the motha tree, but everybody knew I went there to think and be alone. It would be the first place I had to expect company. Unwelcome company. I really had no mind to deal with anybody. Not even myself. Certainly not myself. Maybe I was jumping conclusions. Hell, I hoped I was but that was just the thing about hope, no matter how impossible it was to kill, it was about as impossible for it to conquer deeply-rooted fears.

I returned to my room and sat down with my back against the foot of the bed. Thoughts were playing catch in my head, not all of them related. How long would it take them to slow down again and let me turn them into something that resembled coherence? I had no clue. So I closed my eyes and laid my head back.

Waiting took forever and just as much strength. With each changing thought I wanted to jump up and follow another impulse. None of which would get me anywhere. I tried to think about breathing and how the rain had poured over me on Noris. Though that led directly to Storms ridiculous reaction to my freckles and that led me right back into the spinning circle of who knew what.

 

Strom had to know. Had to. He and Thrawn had been besties. And he hadn't told me. Why? Because I didn't know and so it was not up to him to tell me? Because I didn't know and he couldn't implicate himself helping me? Because he was involved with the whole shit? Because House Kres was, somehow? And they were no friend of Mitth if you could apply that terminology.

And then there was Dhenn. Oh, he was still alive and doing well. Not laughing up his sleeve as you might expect for somebody who had gotten his -

Well, wait. He had not, had he? Whatever he had wanted, and let's be clear that was nothing short of small treason, except if you won because the victors wrote the histories. But he hadn't gotten what he wanted because Thrawn. And his career had taken a slight turn after the incident. Almost imperceptibly slow but yeah. I would have expected him to be Epitocra by now.

He hadn't gotten what he wanted. And House Chaf had just held very, very still. Why?

What happened to a House that tried to abolish another Ruling House and failed? My eyes popped open. What did Chaf want that the fall of Mitth brought about? Nothing I could think of. But if I assumed here, and I did and on what I felt solid ground, that House Mitth hadn't been going down by its own doing. Who had something Chaf wanted? And who had meddled? Dhenn. Prard. Trade.

I grabbed the end of the duvet, pressed it against my face and screamed. I screamed and screamed and soaked the duvet with tears as well. I hated this place. I hated all this scheming. I hated, hated, hated it! And I wanted to go home. Even if home meant just another scheming bastard.

Oh, it was hopeless.

When I finally closed my mouth again, I climbed onto the bed, pulling the duvet over my head and curling up in a tight ball. That at least I knew. Even if Nuruodo was keeping its feet still in case Prard succeeded and Chaf held very still in case they did not, I bet both Houses had been pulling at some strings nevertheless.

Only it hadn't pulled down a Ruling House at all. Oh no. And maybe that was why everybody was so grateful and didn't want to rock the boat. Because maybe, just maybe if the truth came out one might still fall. As many as eleven. As few as three. And me being only one.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	92. Chapter 90

Despite everything, the next morning went well. Sarah was eager to get back to pre-school. The missed days didn't bother her much, but she was bursting to tell about her adventure. And I had heard it all before, so I was not a good audience. After dropping her off, I returned home as fast as I could to call Storm.

“We need to talk.”

He looked me up and down through the comm frowning. “Indeed.”

“I'd suggest a short trip to Noris for it, but it would take too long,” I went on.

“That kind of talking, huh? I will see what I can do.”

“You better.” I tried to smile.“I heard that Sarah expressed interest in the medical field due to her recent illness?”

I tried to keep the smile in place. This was much too close to other scheming Chiss bastards. “She did. And I promised her that you'll help her if necessary, so you better be up to that.”

He watched me for a long moment. “Will you tell me what it is?”

I shook my head. “It has nothing to do with you per se.” That did catch him somewhat unawares. “So it will cost you.”

“Currying favours yourself now?” He raised a brow.

“Just trying to reduce the mountain of favours owed.”

“That is not how it works, Mellanna.”

“Fuck,” I sighed.

“No,” Storm replied deadpan. “But if you could spare a few moments tonight after that play you are attending...”

I nodded. “No problem. Since you're in the adjoining district I think we can just take a walk in one of their parks.”

“You keep an eye on me?” He grinned.

“I am keeping an eye on everybody with power over me,” I replied.

“A very wise move. I'll see you later.” And he was gone. I let out a long breath and dialled the next number on my list. It was a long list, longer than a day out of the loop should cause. But this was Csilla and my social life was everything. When I had finished, I took my pad to read some outside.

I was just into the second chapter of Inari's latest novel when the curtain of hanging branches parted and Thkela entered my little refuge. I saved my progress and put the pad down, moving aside a little so Thkela could sit down, provided she wanted to be that close to me.

She did. And for a long while she didn't say anything. “About yesterday.” She treated it like a full sentence.

“I am listening, Mitth'kel'arash.” I didn't know what else to say.

“We knew, but not as much as you seem to suspect.” She looked at her hands, folded in her lap. It was as much of turning the lor'kina off as there was.

“I have to know,” I replied softly. Mirroring her pose. “My life depends on it.”

“So melodramatic.” I could hear her smile even with my eyes fixed on my own hands.

“No, Thkela, no melodramatics.” I ordered my thoughts, trying to turn them into something a Chiss would understand.

“I came here to raise a child as Chiss for somebody who can't. And now I am about to find out that he-” I hesitated but Thkela was not intervening. “I wonder how come that he could not clear his name.”

“So did we all,” she replied. “But in the end we ran out of ways to buy him time.”

“I will believe you.” I was not sure how long and how far, but right here and right now, I would not kick up a stink. If they thought I would give up easily, all the better. After all, so had they.

“We know where your heart is anchored,” Thkela said. “And we honour it. If there is something we can do—” She didn't finish. Instead she looked at me, taking one of my hands in hers. “We are silent, but we are there, Lanna.”

I nodded. “I thank you.”

There wasn't much else to say. She had let me know that the family would stand back and let me hang myself if I gathered enough rope. And should I manage to hang somebody else instead, they'd be there to bury the corpse. But until then I was on my own.

A feeling I knew just too well. And whatever I expected to get from Storm, it was not support. A confession maybe. An apology. Something. Anything. But otherwise I would be on my own. I stared at the still pond through the young leaves of the motha. So this was the difference, the difference between allies and friends. Shaking my head I got up. If I was having unpleasant conversations, I might just as well get over with all of them.

Rukh followed me back inside. We sat down with our backs against the stone railing of my balcony, almost like two friends about to enjoy a cup outside in the first warm rays of sunshine. Only without the sunshine. And the cuppa.

At least nothing suspicious had happened in the hospital itself. That put some part of me at rest. It would have been very unfortunate, had I had to suspect my very own doctors of evil. From what Rukh had observed, they had done their job well. I did not ask how Rukh suddenly knew about hospital procedure.

“It's impossible to say if it was manufactured,” Rukh growled softly, confirming my own suspicions. “I could study the medical records and the incident is as likely to happen by itself. Her mixed heritage is making her physiology highly unpredictable.”

I let out a sigh and nodded. “So far we got off lightly. This is what? The third time she was in hospital for something like this? Fourth?”

“Fourth,” Rukh replied.

That didn't seem to be so much. But we hadn't counted the countless smaller illnesses. Nothing too bad and often not keeping her at home either. Sarah would outrun her nose if she had to.

“But this one would only affect people who shared Sarah's physiology exactly,” he continued.

“On the one hand it neatly explains why it was never heard of before,” I said. “On the other hand that strain might just not have existed before.”

I wished things were more conclusive. Jumping at shadows was exhausting. “The immunisation will be ready in a few weeks they say. Until then we just have to be careful and they have given me emergency medication in case she shows symptoms again.”

“It may have begun,” Rukh replied almost too soft to hear.

I tried not to shiver, but he was right. My recent activities hadn't gone unnoticed. And as long as I had no claims, removing Sarah was as efficient as removing me and lot easier. Whatever I was onto, it was even bigger than what I had found so far.

“What about Prard?” He looked at me with those huge black eyes.

“Looking very bad,” I sighed. “He was not alone on this. And whoever his allies were, they are watching even now. And they know who I am unlike me. I only have that one name.” I looked up at the grey marbled sky. “He had a very straight career, he had. Right up to that exile éclat and then – I don't know. Like a curve ball. He started drifting into another field, away from pure politics for his House more towards finance.”

“Paying for silence?”

“Possibly. But I don't even know who's. Though from the kind of information they'd need to have I'd suspect a Sabosen or,” I took a deep breath, “or a Nuruodo.”

“Law and Order and inner military forces,” Rukh mused. “They can make it legal if they need to and there were Nuruodo ships involved in the final battle leading to exile.”

“An unlikely alliance, but possibly even more useful because of it.” I was still trying to wrap my head around all of it. There were so many loose pieces and they didn't fit together at all or in too many places at once. “I have to do some more research on that, maybe commandeer some of Ittor's methods.”

“And Storm?”

It was a question I had been asking myself as well. “I don't know. I'll confront him and see what happens.” I let out a dry laugh. “At least I now know how to get Formbi by the balls and where I want him.”

That would take time, of course. A year at least. There was a good chance he would be showing up again for the Meritocra business in summer. And then again for the Unity Day Reception because that was special again under a new Meritocra. Time enough to sink my teeth into him. And who knew, maybe I would indeed get him something he had wanted for a long, long time.

And this is the reason I didn't update.


	93. Chapter 91

I postponed my researching until I had talked to Storm. And whatever had given him the idea that this was urgent and ugly, he showed up almost unexpected the next day while Sarah was in per-school instead of our arranged meeting in the evening. I was supposed to be at the hospital talking to Thtalo but I had done that via comm already. I had even donned some semi-formal robes and Storm noticed immediately. I could see the more formal lor'kina drop over him like a bucket of water.

“It is not about Sarah,” he said, as if checking boxes on a list he had made.

“No. Well, maybe yes. It's complicated.”

He raised a brow. It was probably not the best sentence to start off anything with. On Csilla things being complicated was probably falling into the category of being Captain Obvious.

“It is about Prard'hen'nadaro.” I watched him closely, but he didn't show any reaction.

That spoke of a completely controlled lor'kina so he was not just not reacting, but actively not reacting. I left him to it for a while.

“Am I going to have this conversation as a monologue?” I finally asked. “Because I'd very much rather not.”

“I am still considering,” he replied.

“Well, might as well get started then.” I got up and began pacing. For all the reasons we were in the shared parlour, this was one I hadn’t considered but it felt good to have that much space now. “Did you know his name? Did you know more names? Are you just keeping very, very still so things don't collapse on top of you? Will your involvement render everything useless?”

I turned on my heels, running my hand gently over the kal'yenok'tar in the process. “Is there a thing you can do to help me now? Is it two? Or three? Or both? I am going under, Storm. And I am not even the target.”

I paced the room a few more times. That gave him time to think and me time to calm down again. I was ready to grab his collar and shake him until I got some answers. I was not in a good place.

“Yes,” he finally said. “Yes, yes and yes. I am sorry, Mellanna. But yes and both. We will need to find a way to protect Sarah better.”

I closed my eyes and pinched my nose, processing his reply. Finally I nodded. “I suspected it. And you can't help it, can you? If this is to work, I need to play by the rules. I don't want the whole thing to blow up in my face. It would cost Sarah everything. It is not a price I am willing to pay.”

I dropped down on the sofa next to him heavily. “It is time for me to get a name.”

“Among other things,” Storm agreed. “So what can you do for your House?”

I had thought about that, too. Not as much as I had wanted, but there had been so little time. “I have a plan,” I finally said. “But it will take time. And I am scared for each day.”

“Then lie low,” he suggested. “Concentrate on other efforts.”

“Yes, but I had to know.” I looked at him. His lor'kina was back to normal. Still there was a worried frown etched into his forehead. “You and him,” I broke off with a sigh. Storm knew. I didn't have to tell him anything in words.

“I told you before to trust nobody. I can only repeat myself. Do not trust in me, Mellanna, for I cannot help you when you will need it.” He sounded actually sad about it.

“I know.” Fuck the whole Chiss society. But if that was where we were at, that his involvement would invalidate whatever I managed to find, then he was out of it. Everybody with an inch of helpful knowledge about them probably was. _All on my own – I won't need anyone this time._ I would have to kick something later. Kick it real hard and stab it when it was down.

“So, let's talk about Sarah,” I changed the topic to something where he could help. And would. My little smurf owned him and no mistaking. There was something we could do. All we had to do was find it.

Days went by and Sarah did not fall ill again. She got her shots and everything looked perfectly perfect again. Of course it was not. But I would not tell anybody about it. Storm had given me enough food for thought to last a while. There was not too much we could do to improve Sarah's safety. I talked to Thtalo about whether or not future complications might be predicted somehow. Of course, there was no way to do that. He promised to keep a close eye on her routine check-ups though and collect any data as seemed significant. That was in itself a very relative term but I would have to accept it.

Still, my life had changed. I was continuing my rounds of visits and receptions, but there were now lurking shadows and unfriendly faces wherever I went. Half of it was probably paranoia. But when I saw Dhenn again at the opening of an exhibition, I could not help but think. And he was not behaving any differently than before.

The only thing that had changed was my reception of it. And it took a lot not to change my own behaviour. Not charging at him and throttling him on sight was a victory and not a small one. I could show some disappointment at his continued enmity, but that was it. After all I had no clue at all why he might not like me.

I did try to make myself agreeable by talking to him and showing interest in his life and career. It was naturally not the right thing to do, but the determined refusal to talk to me abut any of it did catch some of the other guests off guard. I had the satisfaction to watch him mend those breaches for the remaining evening at least.

“I don't like it,” Thara told me. “But whatever Strom is withholding, he is doing it for good reasons. I cannot think of something helpful to tell you in that respect either. I am sorry.”

She actually was, if her lor'kina was to be trusted. “I hope to find way to find out without having to rely on anybody,” I replied.

“It is a pity I was tied up in border wars during that time,” she continued. “Though even back then I suspected it was not only my competence that held me there.”

“You cannot be blamed,” I assured her.

“Indeed, I cannot,” she agreed. “Orders are after all orders. What would a military be, if we decided which ones to follow and which ones to disregard?”

I had to agree on that. “And it is up to the upper echelons to make the decisions and call the shots. You cannot start to question if you want to keep the machine going.”

“I see we understand each other.” She made a short pause. “It was unfortunate that the information leaked but even more so that it was tampered with first. I understand that he and Kres'tor'manad were about to find something out about that. It never came to that.”

I wondered why she repeated that. It was the only bit I already knew. Thrawn knowing that he was about to be framed and Storm trying to help him out because – well, I would think about that one again in private. And then it didn't happen because well. Yeah. You had to be quite somebody to stop those two from doing anything.

Right. Who could actually do that? I mean from a purely theoretical point of view that had nothing to do with reality. Who could stop them? I made another mental note. But there was another topic, even more important to me right then. That was unexpected but true.

“We are not sure Sarah's illness was natural,” I said. My daughter was more important than my beloved blue skinned bastard who could take care of himself. “We need to act soon.”

“I will be there when the elections take place,” Thara replied. “And so will your target. I did make some inquiries. I would feel better though, if I knew a little more about what you have planned.”

That made two of us. Not that I could tell her. It was all a mess inside of my head. But I would sort it because I had to and then I would tell her. And I would make it look as if I had known all along but had had solid reasons to hold back. Yeah. That was my plan. Go, me.

“I will,” I told her. “In time. For now all I need is to catch his attention. The incident with the humans has not been forgotten on either side. It is time to use the disagreement to further cooperation.”

“And Chaf'orm'bintrano will will understand?” Thara was not convinced.

“He does. And back then he was willing to throw some of his own under the bus to get – it.” My mouth quirked up in a smirk. “Now he won't have to sacrifice anything but his pride for the prize.”

“I am not sure that will make it easier for him.” Thara was entertaining thoughts below her station and enjoying them. “But I will help you see it done.”

“I am looking forward to our next meeting.”

“Which will be an interesting one.” I smiled. “Formbi will fall for the bait. And it will open up my chance to establish myself and take Sarah out of the crossfire.”

“I see.”

I wondered how much she really saw. After all she was sharp. But on the other hand I trusted her to keep things to herself in case of doubt. But yeah, getting my own name would make Sarah safer. And that was the best motive I could ask for even if it was true.

But I could take things from there, somehow. Because Chaf was probably still not over Prard getting trade to control. And if they had been keeping very still back then, it should be possible to get them to do that again. I needed more information to back up my theories before I could do anything. It was probably what had broken Thrawn's neck back in the day. But I had time. And I would use it.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	94. Chapter 92

First things first and that meant I had more research to do and my schedule to keep up. I managed to slip in more painting for Thubal and get an appointment to discuss the results. I had not sent images over the comm because the colours were always off. And of course it was nice to talk to people in person.

“I am highly offended,” Threll let me know.

“You are an exception,” I replied. “You charm easily makes up for any drawbacks comms have.”

“That's why you keep calling, right?” His eyes flashed.

“That and making sure you are not running headfirst into your own destruction,” I grinned. “Family and friends of yours keep accusing me.”

“As well they should,” he replied mock serious. “I am convinced as well that anything that happened in the Ascendancy since your arrival is your fault entirely.”

“Am I that obvious?” I sighed. “In that case I better admit defeat, pack my bags, and go home."

"You may have more help with that than you expect." He was serious again. "You are dwelling on the past too much, some say."

Some. Well, some would say anything, but he and I knew that. The more interesting part would be knowing who those some were. "I have good reason. And in time, I will be understood."

"I have my secrets and you have yours," Threll said. "As long as you are not interested in an exchange, that will be how things are."

"My very young friend," I insulted him mildly, "If you think that your private life is worth exchange of my whole plan to make a name form myself, you are severely deluded."

He got the message. After all the how was not quite as important as the why to him. And he had not denied dating somebody. So far so good. "Is there any help I can render without making myself complicit?"

"There might be. Though some might say that I am still giving too much thought to the past." I took a deep breath. If Threll was playing a game, he deserved full credit for what he got now. "I need all available data on the incident with the Outbound Flight."

He looked at me for a moment. "It was a close cut, that one," he finally said.

"I know. And the cutting is of as much interest as the incident. Though I would be especially grateful for data on the intruders positions, status, and vector."

"I will try to give you the clues you need to serve your answers." He was sharp.

I should stop being surprised about the amount of intelligence my allies had. And they knew me well. "Names are important," I said. "I must have mine and yours can be associated."

"In case of success, you can bet on that." His eyes flashed.

Oh, I would make this a success. I was finally going to do something. Not the thing I had expected or planned to do. But if Sarah was in danger, I would damned well move heaven, earth, and any planet in my way to make her safe. If I was there to stay, removing her would be of no use. That was all I cared for.

And so the visit at Inari's was not going to be such a carefree pleasure after all. Sarah passed the introductory formalities with flying colours. I then managed to lose her in the big library Inari naturally had. The extensive section of children's literature bespoke either foresight or genuine interest.

"Both," Inari replied. "When my children grew up, I had an even better knowledge of the current market. But it is enough to keep myself entertained and more than enough to occupy visitors."

"She will likely have a wish list when we leave." I smiled. As far as I was concerned there was no such thing as too many books. That could always be amended by more shelf space. And once the tactile component ceased to be that important, the stories would move to pads anyway. I wondered how many novels fitted on one pad and how many books that made in Inari's shared parlour.

From its size I was guessing it was the only parlour in her flat. Of course it was very impolite to ask. But this was Csapla and only a few got enough space to have useless rooms. Still, to have one wall completely covered with shelf space was a statement in itself. One I couldn't afford to make so I had most novels stashed away on a few pads stacked beside my bed.

"I have them sorted by author, actually," Inari said. Her eyes were following my gaze that was still glued to the bookshelf. "My favourites get a pad to themselves."

"I wished I could make more time for reading," I half sighed.

"You will spend less time with your daughter over the years," she replied. "It makes for good reading time. If you defend it against the growing number of social commitments."

"There's always that." I tried not to think of the commitments I already had and how I planned to make even more out of them and especially out of this one. "Though some of them are more of an indulgence than people should know."

"Indeed." She suddenly looked wary. "Which brings me to the reason for the invitation."

Oh dear. She had me worried. It was very likely that I was not the first who tried to get at Arond through his wife and to her through her sister. Meritocracy was all very well, but by now I did believe that blood counted for at least as much.

"I am sorry," I began but she cut me off with a quick gesture.

"It is I that should have stated my intention clearer. It is selfish in essence after all." She looked at Sarah still digging through her shelves. "As an author one is allowed some selfish eccentricities, of course. We need them for our writing."

Now she had lost me completely. But since she wasn't having a go at me for sheer audacity and delusions, I just showed slight confusion and some agreement because I knew about writing.

"I would like to talk to you about Space Beyond," she finally said. "You must have seen many things there foreign to us; mindsets we cannot fathom, cultures and social interaction, alien species. And your sense of displacement is something I am rather interested in."

It took me a while to compose and answer. Not because I didn't know what to say but because I had trouble not to burst out laughing. Research! Inari was trying to abuse me for research! It was brilliant, ridiculous, and something I could totally relate to. It was also the best cover for drawing out information I could think of.

I hated myself immediately for that thought but it was true. And one aspect didn't invalidate the other. "It is my experience and conviction that life is best when our indulgence and obligations fall together. I am honoured by your interest and hope we will have enjoyable times together"

Inari agreed silently. "I heard you have adapted well to our society."

"As well as I have to," I replied. "It is not always what I expected but family is important. So I learn."

To my surprise, she laughed. It was informal and about improper. "You have learnt well and I will let my brother-in-law know."

"I cannot offer anything right now. He does not even need a scandal to discredit any contestants. I hope he find enough time to rest."

"One might expect you to ask of a lot of things, though," Inari probed.

"Ask?" I shook my head. "I have nothing to ask. This is a meritocracy, I have to earn. This much I learnt." I winked. It was a very human gesture and sparked, as intended a discussion about humans, human behaviour and all of the aliens in Space Beyond. It was a huge territory and we soon agreed that we would have to continue the discussion at some other time.

"It was very god talking to you," Inari said as I dragged a reluctant Sarah from the books. She had indeed a very long list of books she felt she should have.

"So it was, though I am sure I told you more than I intended."

"That you did." Inari was not the least apologetic. We went through the formal goodbye and Sarah passed another of her social tests. She was given one of the books she had fallen for, too and I was certain her choice told Inari even more things that I would not have told her.

Still, a happy smurf was a happy smurf and free books were free books. Plus, in the long run, I might even get my direct way to Arond. Give it a few years. Patience, young poodle, patience. Arond was not a target in the current campaign. He was for later. So there was nothing wrong with starting by bribing Inari.

And I got to spend time with my favourite author. What could go wrong?

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	95. Chapter 93

I was still not over the incident when I met with Thubal to discuss our joint venture. There was a lot of sighing involved and I didn't even try to argue with his criticism. At least the difference between the picture I had created in one go as compared to the one I had waited until the relevant areas were dried out enough was intriguing to him.

“The assumptions make when creating art,” he said, “are made quite clear by this. If there were more assumptions to uncover, that might make the whole thing worth our time.”

I stared bleakly at the dirty canvas. “Brushes,” I finally replied. “What if I used my fingers instead?”

“Accepted,” Thubal browsed through the set of instructions. “For set four. And other material to paint on instead of canvas for three. Different kinds of paints, too. I'll send you a list.”

I agreed because it was not worth challenging his vision. I'd just do it and think about arting properly again when this was through. That did free my head a little for the intrigue ahead. My very own intrigue. How long had I been waiting for this to happen?

Well, actually, no time at all. And if I had had a choice, I would have taken the direct approach again. Not that it had worked the first time around. I mean it had worked but in a completely different way than intended. I had not gotten an inch further with the names of the other conspirators.

I had tried to note the requirements for anybody involved related to the outcome, possible intent, and resources necessary. There was nobody around fitting any of the descriptions. I would have to find more approaches to cover angles I didn't think of. That was of course difficult because I just didn't think of those angles at all!

I wished I could kick my Admiralship a little. He'd have some ideas about this. Not to mention he probably just knew who had been behind this. Why the flying fuck couldn't he just tell? What was the worst that could happen? I entertained that thought for a while. It was generally a good course to make the worst happen.

Instead I had to consider the retirement of the current Meritocra. Her long service to the Ascendency was difficult to get around hearing, as much as Arond's potential was talked about. I had taken the expected look at her life, but there wasn't much that piqued my interest apart from her dead wife and MIA bloodson. Life in the First Ruling House did not spare you from military drama.

“So Nuruodo'dan'nefer could do another term, right?” I tried to wrap my head around the concept of merit re-elections.

“Two runs are guaranteed,” Thara explained again. “Depending on the performance and the satisfaction of the Ascendancy further periods can be granted. The longer a Meritocra has served, the more difficult it is to meet the conditions. A fifth period has never been achieved.”

I wondered how old you were by the time you started a fifth period as Meritocra. After all each election was valid for five years. “And stepping down happens only due to health reasons,” I remembered. “So Odann has met the requirements for another term and is not ill. Still she is stepping down.”

“It is not that easy,” Thara replied. “But if you make it as simple as it gets, yes. Of course there has been a lot of discussion beforehand. Between the Epitocra, the Council of Houses, and the Aristocra. A lot can happen in the last year and it has this time.”

Well, my arse. Somehow I got a feeling why there was such a commotion in the system. Not that it was sudden at all. Still, the progressive factions in the Ascendancy were getting stronger and everybody and their mum knew how come. Odann hadn't struck me as any more liberal than Arond, but it might be a clever move to let somebody else take the flak when the political climate changed.

“So far so good,” I tried to get back on track. “Since this a very eventful time by Chiss standards, everybody tries to take as much influence as they can. Meaning the Aristocra try to be around more if possible. And Chaf'orm'bintrano is ambitious and not against becoming Epitocra himself. So he will be around. That it what matters.”

“I do not know if your insistence on him is wise,” Thara said. “He is stubborn and is not on good terms with either House Mitth or aliens.”

“Trust me on this. All I need is the right information to get to his ears. He'll come on his own.” Thara gave me a look that said she highly doubted it. But I could not help her with that. On the off chance that my house of cards collapsed that was something she was better off not being involved in.

Because I would use Formbi not only to get my name. He was highly intelligent and a scheming bastard to rival my very own specimen. And he still wanted the trade sector for his House. He had not made a move back in the day. Why? And with a Prard at the heart of the whole conspiracy, what had House Chaf to win?

I had been addressing him directly at the reception. I wondered what would have happened if I had not done that. But those were suspicions I didn't even tell myself. Because it meant that two could play this game and we were already dancing.

“You will excuse me if I look into other options,” Thara's voice broke into my musings.

“No, of course.” I had only half heard what she had said. But she was a sensible woman so everything would be fine. “And look where a guy called Drask is currently. I'm sorry I can't remember the last name. He's somewhere in the military.”

“What good will that do?”

“I do not know yet.” I grinned. “But once he has been found, it'll come to me.”

“I wish you planned more ahead.” Her lor'kina made it a reprimand but I ignored it. It seemed that the military made you cherish planning a head. It probably taught you how to be good at is as well. It would explain a lot about the Chiss.

Too bad that I had missed out on that part of my education. But it was too late to catch up with them now. I could try, but I didn't think I'd ever get anywhere relevant with that. Might as well let them do the running.

“At least this makes it a lot more difficult to squash my plans,” I replied. She conceded the point and that was a victory in itself. “Threll is handling the data angle and Okara is working on the more military approach.”

I tried to view the net before my inner eye. It had frightening similarity to the battle maps I had studied with Dave. _Dave_. I wondered what he was doing now. I hoped he hadn't gotten himself killed.

“She will be at Brask Oto Space Station before the elections,” Thara said.

“Anything with an atmosphere,” I said without thinking. “Too barren to sustain much life. If there’s logarithms to calculate the changing positions approx, that might be helpful. I can probably get Ittor aboard again.”

“Not necessary.” It was a made decision so I just shrugged it off. “We need to spread the tasks wider. It will make it more difficult for anybody to gain a clear picture.”

“Sounds like a plan.” I thought for a moment. “If there is a way to get the algorithms, I might have some more use for them.”

Thara raised a brow but that was all I had to say on that topic. I was still not sure why Ittor had been so scared. Dhenn had turned out to be a real bucket of eels, but nothing to make me run screaming. I suspected something else and since her research did not bring it to light, I also suspected she didn't want me to come to the wrong conclusions. Or to the right one, depending.

But I had decided that right or wrong, I'd get those fucking conclusions. I did not see why formulae to predict the movements of a butt-load of astronomical bodies should be that much different from one to describe that of a butt-load of blue-skinned bastards.

“It's strange,” Thara scrutinised me, “but sometimes, you remind me of him a lot.”

I kept my face carefully blank because that was indeed strange. More than strange. “How?”

She was silent for a moment, still looking at me. “Maybe it is just that I cannot read you all the time. It is not the careful blank he used, but,” her fingers shrugged elaborately. “One moment you are all here and clear and the next you are gone.”

It was a rather nice way to describe that fact that I tended to space out and get lost inside of my own head. It was also nothing close to what my Admiral consciously did to be unreadable. “Must have rubbed off,” I replied smiling a little.

“Hopefully not the only thing that did,” she smiled back.

For a moment I wondered if I had by now successfully become a bastard bucket of eels myself. I was not quite sure. Scheming bastard, yes, I had certainly become that. Maybe there was still hope. I looked at the star-chart of my real life gasha. Not much hope, probably. But then I had been a hopeless case from day one. What it was that I was hopeless with might have changed, but overall I was still the same. Yeah. Right.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	96. Chapter 94

Time went by faster than I had ever expected it would during my exile. Thubal sent me his list and I sent him images of the results and he decided that it would be a good moment to present the finished exhibition a month before the elections. By now the topic had changed from how message sent and message received differed to how many assumptions everybody had.

I cleaned the paint of my hands and grinned like a maniac. Sarah had insisted to help and since she couldn't really, I had introduced her to the concept of finger paints on big canvases. The difference between fingers and her whole body was one I would have to pay some more attention to. She seemed to have some difficulties there.

In the end I had just relocated her to the bathroom and allowed her to just roll over the canvas if she so pleased. And, like mother like daughter, she did indeed please and giggled like mad while doing so. I couldn't help but join her. That evening had a very extended bathing session. Paint did get everywhere if you let it.

Less funny were the conversations with Rukh. He had no proof, not even clues but his feeling was that somebody kept an eye on Sarah. Somebody that was not us. I trusted him more than myself in that respect. It felt paranoid, but I kept my eyes and ears wide open for anything that could be construed as surveillance.

“I understand you,” Okara said over the comms looking serious and slightly fuzzy. The later was due to the bad connection we had. But what did I expect, getting a call from the other end of the Ascendancy and then re-routing around it twice? “It will have to be done very subtly. Though it should help that you are currently not pursuing that vein of investigation.”

If only she knew. But as far as I could, I had kept the ongoing interest in the trial and ensuing exile of my husband to myself. Officially my attitude was that it had been an obsession but ultimately a dead end. I prayed that Dhenn believed it. I prayed that whoever else was involved believed it as well. In the meantime, I tried any method I could get my hands on to pry the names from my husband's obnoxious past.

“I wish my news were overall better,” Okara continued, “but even with Threll's data, there is too much interference and the disturbances cannot be predicted well. Even the ones as can be predicted are under lock and key. It is after all going to be the last defence of our people.”

“I understand, Okara.” Not that I wouldn't risk their whole Ascendancy to save Sarah. Personal was not the same as important, but I drew the line where my smurf was concerned. “Wider scouting might help. More data for the calculations and if the cluster is indeed that unpredictable, it might be good to know no big planetoid is going to crash into important bits any time soon?”

“I will see what I can do.”

At least she was by now convinced that I was right on the remains of the Outbound Flight. It had taken several conversations and elaborately evaluated data. Plus the fact that I claimed to know a lot more than what everybody in Space Beyond knew about the whole thing. A result of my being so closely connected to my Admiralship and his involvement and the fact that the New Republic, aka the new Jedi, had great interest in the whole matter.

I would not have dared to lie so outrageously back at home. But here all it took was a few words: half of them placed well in my social circle and half of them sent back to my absentee husband to make it so. I had no doubt he could filter the information that got around to the Ascendancy. And this was worth it.

It felt strange to sell it to him as the preliminary action, the springboard of the true campaign. But if he knew me, he knew I was doing it for Sarah. And if he knew me, he knew I couldn't say she was more important right now. And if he knew me, he knew that I didn't know if that would ever change. And the real bother was that he did indeed know me.

And he took no offence or at least not in written form. In a way, he was trying to help me as well as he could from where he was. There wasn't much he could do about people sneaking about Sarah but in case there was ever a way, I would get a squad of stormtroopers to watch her every step.

The image of my little smurf being followed around by several grown men in white armour amused me for a while. She'd sure wrap them around her little finger as well. And despite the fact that Csilla was an ice planet, the stormies would be mightily visible here.

Luke had meanwhile caved and begun training Jedi officially in a school her called Praxeum. He had indeed set up the Jedi on Honoghr instead of Yavin IV though. I told my husband to have some serious words about that. After all the Force ghosts of the former Sith had to be exorcised whether Master Skywalker liked it or not. Also the vegetation on Yavin IV was much better suited to train with. Kholm grass didn't make a good figure there.

But other than that everything was going okay. Kyp was growing up and becoming more aware of his unique position between the Empire and the Jedi. The distinction between Jedi and New Republic was also becoming more important. Pupils from Imperial worlds were not interested in giving up their affiliations for training.

And if anybody knew what the lack of proper training could do to a Force sensitive – well, okay, I probably knew more about that than Luke. But then Gotab was stopping by the Academy now and then and I bet he had a lot to say about proper training. I dropped Altis name again, hoping Thrawn could do something in that respect.

But the more I thought about things I could do to help him, or at least somebody in the Empire or New Republic, the more I had to realise that it had been years, years and years, since I last read any of the novels. I was living with their content like a blurry premonition and history lesson in one. But I didn't think of them as novels as such either. They were more or less accurate titbits of information pertaining to my life.

The galaxy was pretty much on its own again. I had the Vong ahead but the ETA was somewhere in ten years. If I remembered that correctly. And right now I did have other problems that needed solving first. Thrawn hinted that back then the scandal had reached into the high levels but probably not as high as now.

It did help a little to tweak my search parameters though not much. The intrigue had been done very carefully, prepared over years and from what I would consider necessitated at least influence on the highest levels of Chiss society. There was not much space up.

One way to go was the first family, of course. I tried to fit them into the equation somehow. Not that I had much to work with. My best shot at the House was Attal and though we did get along, he was not one to know about more sinister secrets in case there were any.

“I could make some up,” Attal offered. “Poems of the Secret Side. It has a nice ring to it.”

“I would like to see a sonnet about skeletons in cupboards written in iambic pentameters with some nice antithesis in them.”

Explaining what that was all about in Cheunh took some more glorious time, complete with examples, similes and metaphors.

“There is indeed much more to you than you let on,” he finally said. “To know all that about poetry but be stuck with the most simple of concepts in painting. It is a story I cannot fathom.”

“Maybe I can get Inrokini'nar'ikali to write a novel about it,” I joked.

“She would not get the truth out of you if she used pliers,” Attal replied. “But I shall keep that secret as favour returned. And I wonder what you are planning. Maybe even help one day.”

I did not know what to reply to that. For all I knew his House was the main perpetrator in the banishment of my husband. Not to mention I couldn't remember doing him any favours yet. I had been an admittedly grandly shocking addition to his circle of acquaintances, but that was rewarded by simply having acquaintances for me.

No, that was not true any longer. By now I was choosing my social circle a lot more careful. And it did take more time to remove somebody without a scandal than it took to add somebody. There had been a lot of relationships that had somehow dropped off in the last year.

“That is very kind of you,” I finally said. “Not that I can think of anything right now. Except for that sonnet maybe. There is nothing much at stake for you.”

I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing if you were a Chiss. The way he looked at me, I guessed it was bad. But I really didn't see anything. Even his job, which was mostly making sure that buildings were created with their surroundings in mind, was not intersecting with anything I planned to do. Well, one day I wanted to build or at least buy a house on one of the planets, but until then...

“Maybe you should think of something fast, before my involvement becomes generally know.” He smiled, but there was a smugness to it I couldn't place. It seemed to be just generally knowing something I didn't and relishing in that. “You know I will travel to Cioral soon and will then return with our pretty captain. Maybe there is more I can bring.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, but just agreed to think about it. After all it was a great opportunity to get something House Csapla might prefer to stash away from the throbbing centre of political hubbub. But then there was the question how come he knew and what his motives were.

It kept my head turning the whole way home. It even distracted me from writing my lists for Okara and Thara. Things that needed to be done as the election came closer and closer. And the life of my daughter might depend on getting Formbi to comply. Or possibly admit to it. Or maybe not because if he didn't belong on my side officially, that might be even more convenient.

My head began to hurt and I looked at the lists again. Okara would have my head. Meddling with her bloodson's life, not having myself under control and then Attal preying on my mind. What a mess. But really, what did he plan to bring from Cioral apart from Threll? And why the hell would he -

My head connected to my desk and I just stayed down for a while. He had even said it. In words. Out loud. _Our_ pretty captain. I was an idiot. An idiot and thick as a brick. Not to mention an idiot. I couldn't even remember introducing them to each other.

And this is the reasons I didn't update here.


	97. Chapter 95

“Why do you keep doing that?” Thubal asked as we went over the exhibition details again. With this schedule it would close again well before the preliminary election excitement took over.

“It is the only custom I have left, isn't it? My holidays mean nothing here and any milestone in growing up doesn't either. In that respect she if fully relying on Chiss culture.”

Even if it did kill her some times. At least she would start school this year. Not in summer but the winter class would be hers. Too soon if you asked me but naturally much too late if you asked everybody else. I was not looking forward to it, to be honest. I was much too afraid of her being not ready and having hell of a bad time.

“As child of two cultures, she's growing up to be very Chiss.” I smiled. “Which was actually the reason for the whole exercise, so I can't really complain.”

“You are still not doing the job 100%,” Thubal replied. “And you never will. It is getting more obvious the older she becomes.”

“And the more expendable I become?” I slumped for a moment. “I know it, trust me on that.”

“What will you do?” Such an innocent question.“Something,” I evaded an answer. “I will think of something and do it. Give me time.”

“If you say so.” He looked around the room again. “I am still not sure about presenting the pictures assuming you'd work with painting materials in a group. It is an assumption people will make.”

“Indeed,” I agreed. “Which makes it so much more unexpected in the context of challenging ones assumptions. They are in themselves not sorted in any way.”

Thubal was deep in thought. It was admirable how much he cared about all this. Even with my own exhibitions I did not really bother much. It would fly or not. Considering the audience more likely not, anyway. So why bother? But he was a Chiss and as such a little obsessed with his art.

I wondered why Thrawn had not chosen to paint. Maybe it had taken him that long to realise not everybody could read art like a manual. And then it had been too late. Not that I objected. In my darker hours I already saw my dear husband chained to his kal'yenok'tar to play whenever fancy struck me.

In the meantime Thubal and I argued about the pros and cons of keeping the pictures grouped including everything from subject to lighting. In the end he postponed the decision until he had read up on several subject in psychology. Whatever made him happy.

It gave me time to return home and prepare Sarah's name day. I could hardly believe it was already her third. How did you cope with your child growing up? Not that there would be a big party or anything. Since it was not a custom Chiss had, it tended to be only family.

I kept to the basics of a birthday which my mum had once spelled out as a book, a game, and a cake. My stash of things from Space Beyond was continuously dwindling, but if I had calculated correctly it should last until she was eight. An age at which her father had either moved his sorry arse back to Csilla or I had given up on him.

I was a little afraid Sarah would one day ask why Thrawn had agreed to send so much stuff along but hadn't thought about adding a single letter to his future child. It was a question I kept putting off putting to him.

The fact that everything had to be stored for a long time meant that the games and books were actually made of proper materials and not some kind of technology. Not letting anything fall into Chiss hands that could be reused might also play a role, but I tried not to think of that.

I was glad about my own library about Space Beyond. It meant I could prepare properly and answer the inevitable questions each new book brought. Banthas didn't begin to cover the animals mentioned. It was also utterly bewildering to her how everybody was not blue. How could that even be?

I was the only non-blue person in her life. In theory there were many others like me, but it seemed strange that none of the novels featured anybody blue. There was a rainbow of colour ranging from white to black but no blue. It did not make sense to her.

"There are no Chiss in Space Beyond," I tried to explain. "Only papa."

That seemed to make even less sense "He is all alone?"

"He has many people around him," I assured her, "people like me and people like in the books. He is not alone."

"But they are not like him," Sarah objected.

I was about to tell her that neither was anybody here like her or like me and did that make us lonely? But the answer to that was obvious, wasn't it? Maybe the comparison still held. Though the thought of a lonely Thrawn surrounded by people haunted me already. Fuck.

"Are you lonely here?" I finally asked her.

Sarah took time to think about it. Her eyes narrowed as she moved the problem around in her mind. But it was a difficult question and one that unfortunately did not get easier with age.

"Not much," was her conclusion. "You are here."

"Yes, and I will always be here for you." I gave her a quick hug. "And it is the same for papa."

"Is not," Sarah insisted. "You are _here_."

Children. I knew why I never wanted any. There wasn't much I could reply to that. How could she believe that papa was not as dependent on me, not to mention not half as fond of me as she was? It was not a concept she could wrap her mind around yet.

"But I was there first," I said instead. Some explanations didn't have to make sense.

"Will you go back?" She sounded worried now.

"I do not know. Maybe. But only with you." I smiled at her, though she didn't look much comforted. "If you want to go."

"Forever?"

"Only if you want to."

"Is it like Noris?"

I was not sure if she meant that it wasn't under ice or a holiday with nothing to do. "Sometimes," I hedged and launched a long description of things I had seen and places I had been to. It was enough to satisfy her curiosity. For now.

The thoughts did not leave me alone either. On the one hand I had now the image of a haunted Admiralship in my head, lost and lonely and quite out of character. On the other hand there was the question if we'd ever see him again and if we did, there would be even more questions to be answered.

Where would we live? Sarah was a child of the Ascendancy. She would likely want to stay at least until she had finished her military service and heaven knew what could happen in that time. There was no guarantee she'd leave to see Space Beyond for longer than a holiday.

And what about me? Could I just leave here again? Be the queen of half of fucking Space Beyond? Was I qualified? Was I expendable here? Would I be by the time Thrawn was back? Would he even want me back? Had the Empire not grown used to having an absentee Empress? And what would I want? Stay with Sarah? And when Sarah was at the military academy or in the military, would I want to stay around and fuss or leave and fuss even more? I had absolutely no idea. And that was worrying me too.

I had a plan for the time until Thrawn returned. That was it. So I had covered what? Another five years, give or take a few? That wasn't very much, was it? And I had no clue what to do next. How could that be? How could I be going on like that? Hopping from one thing to the next and hoping something would come up along the way. There was no guarantee that anything would come up. And what would I do then? I found no solution to it.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	98. Chapter 96

I felt more and more watched as time went by. As if people by now expected me to put my foot in at any big event. I wondered if I should disappoint them. But maybe not. Maybe staying who I was perceived to be would actually help hiding what I was up to.

"A good idea," Thara agreed. "I needs to be suitably unrelated and still – inappropriate."

"Leave it to me, " I grinned. "By now I have years of experience in shocking Chiss.”

She agreed and we went over our routines and code words. A number of conversations had already taken place, though most of them only hinting at the Outbound Flight in general. People who paid attention by now knew that it was on my mind. What they did not know yet was why exactly and what I intended to do with or about it.

The data Threll had scrounged up was almost enough to found my theory on. I would have to wait for the navigation data from Brask Oto Station though to confirm anything. Not that it mattered. I did not need to be all ready when Formbi was tackled. It would take time to convince him and bind him anyway.

"I am sure something can be arranged during the period of change after the election." Okara checked with another display. "My bloodson will bring the first data to you."

That it was brought in person instead of sent told me a lot about how sensitive the material actually was. It would be all the better that nobody was supposed to know I had it. My urge to talk about it would be curbed. At least that was the plan.

"He will be laden when he finally arrives," I replied.

"Do not underestimate the advantage to have a Csapla on your side," Okara said. "Any Csapla."

I tried to think of something Attal could actually do for me, but I was still torn. And either he could help me with taming Formbi or he could do something about getting my Admiralship back. But for the latter I was currently waiting for the outcome of the former. I was by now pretty certain that House Chaf had done nothing because they believed House Mitth to come out of the whole affair in one piece whereas House Prard was expected to turn out piecemeal.

That strengthened my belief that Thrawn had been close to discovering the head of the whole thing. It could be somebody from House Prard but I doubted it. The clout you needed to throw your weight around like that was not something anybody from that house had. The first three Houses were better guesses or somebody with really good connections. Dhenn had not been that Chiss. He was not that Chiss now. My research into who might have been that Chiss back then was still ongoing and coming up dry.

"You are distracted again, "Thubal said.

He was right. I had been staring into the main room of our exhibition for a while, seeing nothing. "I am sorry." It would not help to add any excuses so I didn't even try. What could I say anyway? That there was a lot on my mind? There always was and so it was for the minds of everybody else. That didn't mean you could let go and ignore the task at hand.

And the task at hand was opening our joint exhibition. The visitors were a little more mixed this time than my exhibitions had been. Thubal was an accepted artist and had a reputation that even some more traditional Chiss could not ignore. I had promised him to make no scandal. I hadn't planned one, but that didn't have to mean a thing. I would be watching myself carefully this evening.

Sarah returned from her tour with Rukh in tow. In her formal robes she looked like a miniature adult, the only thing missing were the red eyes. She did not bounce for once. I had asked to wait with that until the guests had arrived. A tried and tested strategy which ensured, mostly, that she made a good first impression and still had fun later.

"I know the pictures," she said and slipped her hand into mine. "You paint all the pictures. Where are his pictures?" She looked at Thubal who indicated that this was a question I better answer before somebody arrived.

I agreed with a slight change of my lor'kina and led Sarah back towards the paintings. It would take some time to explain and I could not go into great detail. But everybody made assumptions, even my adorable smurf and that was something I could work with.

And it did not take too long and did not disturb our schedule and I proved myself to be not only a competent mother but also a competent Chiss. It was usually difficult for me to reconcile those two.

It looked like a piece of cake compared to actually keeping my smurf under control for the first arrivals and formal receptions. That I was not lunging after her every other second was a small miracle. But once the first couple of guests were in and could keep her company, voluntary or not, things became easier at the doors.

I tried to pay very close attention because I was likely to have guests at my next exhibition warranting this kind of treatment. And I would not have Thubal to run me through the decorum. It went better than expected, though. I could keep the urge to just leave under control and stayed greeting people for as long as proper.

I considered staying a little longer just because, but I had promised Thubal. Still I was worried about Sarah. Not her personally, but the poor Chiss she had latched onto. She was lacking in subtlety as yet. Subtlety going both ways. Sometimes it didn't even help to literally pry her off with a crowbar. At least she knew what she liked – or who.

I found her in the unexpected brushes section of the exhibition recounting her adventure rolling over her own canvas to paint it in colourful detail. I managed to guide her away before the extended bath to clean up came up. It was probably only embarrassing me, but that was sufficient for me to intervene.

Since it was more Thubal's exhibition than mine, think of me as a human-sized brush, it was perfectly fine for me to vanish with Sarah when it was time for her to go to bed. It was strange and worrying how easily I began to think of people as somebody else's friends. All it took was a joint venture in which I was playing the smaller part.

Maybe it explained why I was not that good with team work. Everything was just dandy as long as everybody did as I told them. I was not sure how close that was to the definition of teamwork. Input appreciated, stepping out not desired.

I watched Sarah sleep for a while. She'd disabuse me of this pleasure soon enough. Who'd want their creepy mum to watch them sleep? Not to mention she'd be moving out in ten years at latest. The whole system sucked. Another reason to get out of it.

I slumped before my terminal checking on the appointments for the coming day and answering a few calls. Then I stared at the dark display for some time. In a few weeks the election frenzy would start. I had no idea how a frenzy among Chiss looked. Maybe they were all striding around bordering on running and have their lor'kina in hectic ripples. A truly frenzied Chiss might even forget about their lor'kina for a while. Well no. That would be too much.

It was a little like thinking of Spock all out of logic. I recalled Amok Time and grinned. That was a fanfic angle somebody should pursue: the Chiss in a frenzy over their elections every five years and additionally all in rut. I was still giggling about the images when I finally went to bed.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	99. Chapter 97

The most worrisome thing to happen in the following weeks was that Rukh became certain that somebody was watching. If the observation was targeting Sarah alone or me as well was uncertain because whoever it was, they were doing their job so well that not even my Noghri bodyguard could pin them down.

That implied top notch services indeed. It strengthened the theory nicely that was up against somebody really important. Nice, but not really. I did not want to be up against anybody let a lone a Chiss with half the planet behind them, or all of it, or make it the whole of the Ascendancy.

_Hello, Nuruodo'dan'nefer. I construed from no evidence that you had my husband exiled. Prepare to die._

Unlikely. So I didn't dwell on it. As soon as jet'yeo'klea was within sight the last weeks of the seventh month picked up speed. Thara and I were busy talking to people who might talk to people, dropping heavier and lighter hints. The slight turn in my interest was getting around. I hoped it circled wide enough to take the crosshairs off Sarah.

“It is only rumours,” I told Fushi. After complimenting him on the interpretation of his latest role it had taken only a little doing to steer our conversation in the right direction. “Somebody tried to keep the whole thing low profile. Especially when it was clear that something had gone really wrong. There was a war coming.”

“Why was nothing done to prevent that?” he asked. Chiss were so easily distracted by things I didn't want them to think about.

“The chancellor back then, who was taking personal interest in the project, was actually staging the war to become Emperor. A very far-sighted man, who did not want the complications a retrieval might bring in the critical phase of his planning.”

“And that, too, is common knowledge?”

“Of course not.” I let my lor'kina do a flustered little dance. “It is my position within the Empire and contacts to the New Republic that allow me such information. Due to the war in which a lot of it was destroyed this information is very scarce. But I am here now.”

“And you have access to pieces of the puzzle they do not?” He sounded curious.

“I might.” I allowed myself a short smile. “But I am not sure what might be gained from it now. It has been so long.”

I let myself be sidetracked from there on. I did not plan to give away too much to anybody. The general idea that I was now looking into the one link that might exist between their world and mine was way more acceptable than me looking into the shady past of my exiled husband. Everybody needed a hobby and this was seen as harmless. More or less.

I was aware of eyes following my every step. And like Rukh I was unable to pin them down. It was immensely frustrating and for the first time in my life I wished to be a Jedi. Then I could just sniff out the guilty party and keep an eye on them while I gathered my evidence.

“You must tell me more about those Jedi,” Thara said. We were walking through the gardens of the anero. There was no sun in the sky, no gentle breeze. A few cultured birds were singing in an attempt to give the whole set up the feeling of nature.

I tried to sort my words. Sooner or later somebody was bound to ask this question. It seemed very unlikely that there were just no Force users around here at all. Like, hello? This was the GFFA! There were Force users everywhere, like cockroaches. Only there were none here and never seemed to have been. Colour me flabbergasted.

“The Jedi were guardians of peace and justice,” I began. Explaining the history of the Jedi would take some time. Not that I knew a lot about it, but millennia of peace were worth mentioning. Their entanglement in the Clone Wars was less easy to explain. After all fighting the symptoms on the front lines was not actually solving the problem.

I trotted out the explanation of them having somewhat lost their direction and being unable to find their path again. Thus the fall. And the Empire lasted only twenty years. And had wiped out the Jedi as well as it could. That would prove to be not very good the longer the Expanded Universe existed and the more people were allowed to play in it. Whyever they seemed incapable to write interesting stories without throwing more and more Jedi around. Or Sith.

Explaining the Sith was not much easier because how do you even define evil? And if I went with Pratchett, where did that leave the Old Order? And where did it leave Thrawn, me, and the whole fucking Ascendancy? It was not a pretty place to be.

“And the New Republic is bringing these warriors back?” Thara asked in the end.

“Yes. It is a better solution than letting people with that kind of power run wild and not be able to control it,” I argued. “The Empire will likely collaborate because it is unlikely that no Jedi can be found in their territory.”

I thought of Kyp and hoped he would not end up torn because two political behemoths couldn't decide on how to get along. I wished I knew where the first batch of Jedi for the Academy came from. Having an even split between Imperial and Republic citizens might help to establish the Jedi as neutral force. I tried to push that away.

“How many are there?” Thara wanted to know. “They will make a lot of people nervous with their powers.”

“Right now it's just Luke – Master Luke Skywalker,” I corrected myself. “His sister is too busy being a politician and everybody else is in stages of learning.”

“Which does not make them less dangerous, as you pointed out.” She looked thoughtful. But then, why wouldn't she? The unknown was usually seen as a danger. Getting on the wrong side of Luke and his lightsaber would pretty much prove her fears.

“I admit it,” I let my shoulder slump for a moment. “But I do not worry for he is my friend. It may not count for anything in the Ascendancy.”

“Your friends are influential even on the side of your enemies,” Thara looked at me for a second. “Be aware that your opponents will agree on what that says about you.”

I considered it for a moment. “I think there are no sides. We are all in this together and life will be much easier if we started acting like it.”

“It will not stand up against Chiss scrutiny.”

“You are too different from me to understand,” I replied. “But worry not, I shall find a pretty coat for my convictions to wear.”

Now it was Thara who slumped her shoulders shortly.

“I am sorry,” I went on. “But whatever else, I cannot be a Chiss. My skin alone forbids it.”

“There is more to it than just skin,” she said.

“I know.”

“Then why?”

“Because I am still me,” I replied after a short pause. “I cannot be anything else, I would not be anybody else. But,” and there I smiled, “I like the lot of you well enough to let my daughter be one of you.”

Thara snorted, but she was also smiling. “I remember thinking you were simple.”

“Oh, I am, make no mistake. But,” now I outright grinned, “it is just not the same as stupid.”

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	100. Chapter 98

The election drew closer. More and more influential Chiss arrived and probably even more who wanted to be influential. With them Chaf'orm'bintrano returned to the stage and the games could begin.

Not that we were attending much of the same events. But he ran into Thara consistently and I trusted her to do a good job. Dangerous Jedi or no, there was no actual moral obligation to return a heap of scrap metal. It was a nice option and opportunity in case fancy tickled the Eighth Ruling House into expansion.

And by now I had come to the conclusion that this was a continuous itch for all families that no amount of scratching ever would alleviate. No, I was not worried about the overall plan. I just had to make my part in it important enough to warrant my very own Chiss passport.

“The territory is impossible to navigate safely,” Okara let me know. “I can't even begin to imagine where we would be ten years from now.”

My fingers shrugged elaborately. “Difficulties are to be expected. But if we wait for those ten years of exploration to pass by on their own schedule, the operation will be too far out of the responsibility of House Mitth.”

“How can anything of the size you described navigate safely though the Redoubt?” She wanted to know. “It would be destroyed for sure.”

“It was already destroyed,” I replied. “The main idea was to get it out from under the grasping hands of House Chaf. And the how?” I smiled, “Jedi. They are better than any navigational software.”

“You are assuming that they did not all die in the initial attack.”

Well, well, well. Somebody knew something. “Not all, no. Only those actively participating in the fighting. Jedi spread across the ships would have been as safe as anybody else.”

“You are so certain about all this.” She sounded resigned.

“I know,” I assured her. “Just as I know about the hoax that followed. And I will make good on both.”

Okara raised her hands slightly. It was strange not to talk to Threll at the end of the conversation. But he had already arrived on Csilla so rerouting the comms through him would have been more suspicious than helpful.

He turned up at the joint exhibition with Attal and the Chiss equivalent of a grin twelve parsecs wide. Since no introductions were strictly speaking necessary, we made do with the bare basics before Threll dragged Attal towards the paintings, declaring how this had actually been his idea.

I glanced at Thubal who shrugged with his hands half hidden behind him. Since I was there and available and Threll knew no shame, he used the opportunity to not read any of the explanations but turn me into his personal exhibition guide.

“Much better that way,” he said to Attal. “Notice the sarcasm? Much improvement on the actual explanations.”

“I'll give you sarcasm,” I growled, winking at Attal. “At least until Sarah turns up. She's been badgering me to let her have a go at you since she heard you are here.”

Threll made a shocked face. “I am doomed. Unless I can make this young gentleman act as my protector?” He looked at Attal.

“I live here, _et'hoan_ ,” he replied. “I know the monster she speaks of and I will not throw myself in its way.”

“Well, thank you for that.” I slumped shortly. “At least she won't stumble and break her neck now. One worry less.”

“My pleasure,” Attal indicated a mocking bow.

I was able to continue with the explanations, trying to leave as much of that to Thubal as possible. He was the one who had actually thought about everything after all. Things looked up, at least in my opinion, when aforementioned monster-smurf appeared and took over.

That put me in the comfortable position to mostly watch and indicate sarcasm. It was amazing what a well-placed change of the lor'kina could do. I wondered if Sarah was picking up on it already, but if so, she only showed a most rudimentary grasp. It was probably up to me to teach it to her. In which case we were both busted.

I managed to get enough words in to invite Threll and Attal to come around for tea. They accepted, though Threll indicated he'd be around some more anyway. Good. There was a lot to discuss and I did not want Attal in on everything. Threll's lover or not, he was not among the Chiss I trusted even as far as I could throw them.

Formbi now, he was in that category whether he liked it or not. Whether anybody I knew liked it or not. I certainly did like it. Not that I could show when we finally attended the same event, another play written by Fenal and performed by more Chaf members. Thara was not around because she was invited to a very exclusive show of Yal'avi'kema. By Chiss standards he was an old fart and since he was a dancer keeping it exclusive was either protecting him or his guests.

Formbi had obviously not made too many friends during the incident with the Outbound Flight and had not cared to amend relationships with those involved either. Good for me. Not that I did anything. We were just watching the same play and there was some mingling afterwards and we stayed well apart.

No really, we did. It was like magic or magnets with the same polarity. We just never got near each other. Maybe that was the Chiss equivalent of exchanging meaningful glances across the ballroom? Or at least meaningful glares? Did he think my lor'kina didn't take him into consideration on purpose or because I was just not that good yet?

It didn't really matter because I would not find out. Not for some time, a time so long actually, that by then I would have forgotten I had wanted to ask. Still I watched him as closely as I dared. Thara and Okara were not too sure about the necessity of his involvement. The fact that he'd been around was holding up only partly because so had Thara.

“Off on one of your quests again, Mellanna?” Fenal took a moment to talk to me.

I blinked, trying to bring reality back into focus. “Probably. There's not much to do here for me but chase shadows.”

“I told you to attend with Thubal,” he chided. “My uncle makes for better company than shadows and bad memories. If not by much.”

I watched his eyes flash. “I have seen so much of him lately that this may be disputed.”

“Let your reasons be your own.” His lor'kina indicated Formbi, talking with some of the actors on the other side of the room. “You could have had it easier.”

“No.” I decided to apply his implications to the second part. “My schedule is too busy by now. It gives me headaches trying to juggle all the commitments. And sometimes I have to go out unchaperoned so I cannot hide behind people I know.”

“You are never giving that impression,” Fenal assured me. “And it is general knowledge that Kres'tor'manad makes for a bad chaperone.”

“Does he now?” I raised a brow almost effortlessly. “He keeps insisting it is otherwise. I may have to have stern words with him. In public,” I added after a short pause.

“Do that, tongues are wagging.”

“When are they not?”

“Point ceded.”

“And if they consider that more interesting news than the play tonight, you do better ignoring them. They are not the kind of people you want to surround yourself with.” I tried to get the conversation back on track.

“And what kind of people would that be?” Fenal decided to be obnoxious.

“People with actual taste.” I refused to play that game.

“And you are by now an authority on that?” He raised a brow in return.

“Indeed.” Feeling the ripples of Formbi approach slowly, I began to direct my host towards some nibbles, neatly sidestepping the passing Aristocra. “Let me tell you about it in great detail.”

I was not quite sure how I intended to go about that, when I had just positioned myself next to food. Maybe the explanation would be shorter than expected.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *et'hoan – diminutive form of lover


	101. Chapter 99

I saw Formbi two more times before the election. Both times Thara was attending as well and though we talked and made sure to have the lor'kina express an ongoing argument, we did keep our distance from the Aristocra. Everybody else was welcome to note how we were discussing the past encounter of the Ascendancy with humans. I was about to do something with that and a few pointed question marks over the right heads couldn't hurt.

It was a little of a drawback that the ships of the Outbound Flight had not actually been found yet but it was just a matter of time. There wasn't a planet chosen yet as last resort for Chiss-kind, so there were no navigation points positioned in the Redoubt as yet either. The idea to arm these navigation points had been jostled around. The fact that I assumed them to be armed did nothing but lead to more jostling.

It seemed that nothing I did had an immediate impact on the Chiss except if you counted arguing. Maybe they did, I did not. But who asked me anyway?

Sarah fell ill again but this time it was just a common Chiss cold. That meant it was more annoying than dangerous. Her nose didn't stop running, pretty much like my smurf herself, as the Chiss had failed to invent a cure for that infliction. Plugs were unfortunately out of the question, at least in public.

Naturally, Sarah was grumpy. She was not really able to function as normal but then she was not actually unable to do everything as she usually did. I brewed a lot of tea and suffered in silence. Then my body decided to develop a cold in sympathy and I suffered not quite so silently any longer. It was so bad that even Storm avoided us for a snuffling week.

“Well, your nose is a beacon in the black of the night,” he let me know over the comm.

“So finally I can keep up with those shiny eyes of you,” I replied, trying my best not to snuffle outright. “I consider keeping it like this.”

Storm flicked imaginary dust of his robe with a shake of his head. “If you keep this up, you'll m

“I didn't know I was invited.” I made big eyes, knowing fully well that the circle of invited was very eclectic. Though even if the voting had been up to the citizens of the Ascendancy, I would not qualify. A point that Storm had to concede.

Everybody was gearing up to be at their best for the election. It reminded me a lot of a Papal enclave only with a lot more colourful robes fluttering all over the place. Though the Chiss would vehemently deny that any fluttering was going on at all.

Everybody who was not invited to witness the events in person was meeting up with as important others as they could. At appointed times there would be announcements on the news and speeches to be followed and picked apart in the coming days.

Since I was the most radical left-winged anarchist imaginable, I had no others, significant or insignificant, to share the event with. The rest of the family was naturally invited in person and Storm had somehow chummed his way to a personal invitation as well. That left Threll who had joined Attal's friends who, revolutionary as they were, were not as mad as to invite some radically radical element like me. Thubal had not even mentioned where he'd be hanging out and Thara was with friends from back in the day.

Yeah, the day actually did great amounts of driving home the point of what my standing actually was compared to what people did for fun. Well, it was their loss and my gain. I decided to grab the extra holidays with both hands and wring as much quality time with Sarah from it as I could.

Even pre-school, probably all schools everywhere, were closed for the day to enable the teachers to participate in the social imbroglio. So I did some reading and writing with my smurf, followed by maths and music. Then I chased her through the gardens for more than an hour to tire her for her nap. It would soon get difficult to disguise her combat training as exercises in muscle control and equilibrium.

Still, my tactics worked and while she took the strategic nap, I got to watch the inauguration speech of Arond and the ex-auguration speech of Odann. If ex-auguration was even a word. But Arond spoke first. It was mostly about how grateful he was and who he was grateful to and what a great responsibility and opportunity it was and how he would keep the Ascendancy as it should be and make it prosper.

I watched the thing mostly to know it because people would be talking for it for the coming days. And I needed to able to keep up. So I listened attentively to Arond's words of unabashed praise and gratitude. If he was making some sweeping political statements already, in words or body-language, I was completely missing it.

Odann spoke a lot longer and for reasons unknown deigned it necessary to start her history in the days even before she was Meritocra. Yeah, back in the day when Csilla wasn't covered in ice. I was about to nod off. But I had anticipated this and was recording the whole thing as I had done with Arond's speech. I could not afford to be out of the loop. Fuck this whole society.

But since I was already stuck with listening and watching, I might as well do my best and find a way to stay awake. Odann had a really sleep-inducing drone. Her lor'kina was more tightly controlled than should be possible. I was sure I had seen this before but my mind just didn't go there.

“With the highest respect I leave this responsible position to Csapla'ron'deren,” she finally began to wind down. “It is a strain on one's life that does not come unpredicted though more forceful than we expect. It does turn us into directions we do not anticipate. It turns our heads without notice. It makes strange allies and policies we could not imagine before the well-being of our whole people rested on our shoulders.”

I was still caught up more in her body language than the words. Something was going on there. It was probably obvious if you were there and saw who she turned to as she spoke. “Endeavours we pursued with zest are suddenly past passions with only the tail-ends covered. But this is the path duty takes us. We do what we must for the future of our people, not only our own House, difficult as it may be.

I wish the light of the stars upon Csapla'ron'deren and that he does not one day turn around to find himself estranged. It is a hard road to travel. May his past shine a light on it and ease his steps.”

I blinked. How could it not? I mean, hello? How much work did you have to put into getting where you needed to be simply to be considered viable Meritocra material? Arond probably knew. And so would Odann. Why would the past be a problem?

I sat back, totally happy that I was taping the whole thing because I had zoned out of the speech completely. Odann's mouth was still moving, unlike her lor'kina, and it was clear she was coming to an end. But I was caught up in my own head. When had I become so suspicious? When had I started to think like this?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Odann hadn't actually said anything. It was me, being all caught up with the past and the many ways it could come and bite you in the arse. Right. Right.

I waited until Odann had finished and stopped the recording. I would have to listen to it again before I was ready to meet with anybody. But first things first. There was a sleeping smurf about to turn the anero into a playground. And that had priority.

Still, there was enough time for a nice cuppa and feeding some interesting parameters into my search programs. And while I was at it, I added the comaing as well as the leaving Epitocra to the run. It would make for something to write my absentee husband about. I felt really bad for him suddenly. Not only having missed Sarah's birth and first word and first step and first day at pre-school, but about to miss her first day at school as well as her first everything as far as I could see.

Putting some more names on the lists might alleviate my nagging conscience. Though that wasn't nagging as bad as it probably should. Again, Sarah was priority. Her safety was everything. And if it meant Thrawn's return would take a few years longer, so be it. Nobody said it was easy.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	102. Chapter 100

I was doing my best to keep up with the discussion of the speeches. For reasons I couldn't even fathom, Inari had invited her brother-in-law and sister as well, when I had expected nothing more but another session talking about how life was on a planet without space travel. I kept blanking out which was unfair to Arond.

His speech had been the more engaging of the two by far and I should have been able to babble endlessly about metaphors, alliterations and juxtapositions as well as rhetorical questions, strategic pauses and accompanying lor'kina.

But I could not wrap my head around anything. Anything _else_ that was and it showed.

“Your thoughts are wandering, Lanna,” Inari called me back.

“I apologise.” There was a lot on my mind but in Chiss society that was not an excuse. Everybody had a lot on their minds all the time. “I have difficulties shaking the incident.”

“I understand,” she assured me.

Even Arond made some acknowledging gesture. “It should have been impossible.”

That in itself did not alleviate my fears at all. Quite to the contrary. But it was enough to excuse myself, which was probably an unheard of thing in itself. You didn't just quit the presence of the newly elected Meritocra. It was _the_ chance to drive home your agenda.

But right now I had no agenda but keeping Sarah safe and throwing a Meritocra unexpectedly in my path did not change it the least. I could only hope he took it the right way. For being a stuck up Chiss politician, I rather liked him. I wondered how you could be so stuck up and at the same time so shrewd. It was probably extra twisty Chiss genetics.

Of course Sarah was safe. I was assured repeatedly that she had always been safe, down to the second she found herself facing an unexpected sabretir. Yes, they were about extinct because the tropical jungles they lived in had somewhat vanished from Csilla. But Chiss and humans were not that different when it concerned keeping dangerous things from past times.

There were a few elect districts, on the outermost circles of course, that housed some. They were fenced in very well. It was impossible for them to escape. It was a mystery how one could turn up just on the nature path Sarah's class was having a field trip on. The most exciting thing along the path was supposed to be bio-luminescent jellyfish.

As I said, the fact that it was impossible did nothing for my peace of mind. Rukh agreed as we exchanged glances over Sarah's head. She had taken the whole thing quite well, probably unaware of the danger the big feline posed. At least the ones bred in captivity were not poisonous any more. Still, they had big mouths full of teeth and a distinct hunting instinct.

It had helped that Sarah had stood still making big eyes, Leesa said. Fortunately, the same could be said of the other children as well. Nobody knew how come my smurf was not quite with the group and thus the first and best target for the predator. It had eyed its lunch on legs for a second before the first children started shouting and, or so it was reported, in Sarah's case making cooing noises.

It was unclear what had lured the big cat away. It had later been found asleep and slightly woozy when it woke again in its fenced off home. Reports spoke of staggering and a strangely jumpy attitude.

“A warning shot,” Rukh growled when Sarah was asleep. “They know she is protected.”

That didn't make it any better either. I didn't know who was firing warning shots at me and what for. As far as I knew, I had been lying very low during the election. There was only one big reception I had been invited to. Maybe it meant to tell me not to make a fuss there? I didn't mean to. For once, I really, really didn't mean to cause any public talk, run into important people or broach delicate subjects in public.

Well, actually I had an idea who might be behind all this but I had nothing tangible to base any accusations on. I had a remark in a letter from my absentee husband that didn't exist. From a Chiss perspective, that actually applied to both parties involved. I had a throw-away line from the late Meritocra. I had a very weird thought process and an even less reliable search algorithm. I was squarely screwed.

“It explains what had Ittor so worried.” I sighed and slumped on the floor beside Rukh. Resting my head on the seat of the couch I closed my eyes. “And I am scared, too.”

There was no reply. There didn't have to be. We both knew the odds were, at the very best, not in our favour. At worst they were stacked so high against us that we might as well crawl into bed and never get up again. It was still one of my favourite strategies of all time.

“At least she is not the Meritocra any longer,” Rukh said.

It was the one upside. Or maybe not. She was removed a little from the public eye now. It might make it easier to get a case together, but it also made it easier for her to do—whatever. I was still reluctant to believe she had been involved.

“What if we cannot find proof?” I wondered.

“Then we were wrong,” he replied.

There was another long pause. How did you go about proving big-scale betrayal anyway? And even with Odann in the picture, the whole conspiracy didn't pan out smoothly. We were still missing the last link. If I hadn't run Arond and all other Epitocra through my little simulation, I would have been very worried indeed.

But I had. The whole Senate in one go. And none had shown any significant matching. Except Odann. I had run them through all other programmes I had. Same same. Nobody made any impact on the set up, changed the parameters in a relevant way or matched the known data in a significant way.

Except Odann.

Odann was looking suspiciously like a red peg fitting a hole that had been expected to be teal, ultramarine or green. Though I was not sure if the Third House would stoop to something like that. Though, come to think of it, the Second House had. Or had not. It was unclear if Odann had acted with her House knowing what she was up to and condoning it or in secret.

It would be difficult to find out from outside House Nuruodo. It would be a very difficult subject to breach with Okara and one I'd want to talk about in person, preferably far away from any kind of civilisation. On the other hand I felt it could not wait. And Threll was on Csilla right now.

“Talk to Attal,” Rukh said into the heavy silence. “His interest in House Nuruodo is easier to explain and the access different from anything you can hope for.”

I heaved a sigh. It was so nice to be able to do that. Though it was probably its own kind of discrimination, expecting Rukh to understand human body language. I couldn't read a lick of Honoghran expressions. I put an arm over my eyes. This was an unfortunate moment to question my human-centric world-view.

“He might be interested in reviving political poetry,” I said. “And what a great occasion the rise of one of his own to the position of Meritocra is. He might dig up something. I'll talk to Inari about some quality time with her brother in law as well to make it credible.”

“He could probably dig up quite something,” Rukh replied.

I blinked against my sleeve. Access to the archives of the Council of Houses – the secret stuff, especially the secret stuff. “He'd be able to read those blasted reports too, lor'kina or not.”

“You are getting better at it.”

“That only means that by now I know you could write down the words spoken truthfully in a report while something completely else was actually being decided.”

“Every little bit helps.” His growl sounded tired. “I will also see who I can find to talk to.”

“Thank you.” I peeked out from under my arm. He had access to a world I didn't really know. There were so many people involved in making sure my life went smoothly where everyday things were concerned. And this network had always existed and I wondered how I had gotten so used to it as to ignore it. Could any Chiss be so stupid? I was not really a measure for that.

But if this came together in the ugly shape I suspected, there was absolutely no way I'd do anything to promote Thrawn's return before I had my own name. When he had said, oh gods it seemed so long ago and Rukh was not Barhekh, but when Thrawn had said I needed a bodyguard on Csilla, he had not referred to its common infighting. He had known damned well what I would unearth and that the bodyguard was not for me.

Fuck that stupid, scheming, blue-skinned, block-headed, headache-inducing, homicide-temptation of a bastard Grand Admiral. There was no doubt I missed him dearly.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	103. Chapter 101

All my worries had to take the backseat for one evening though. It was the last of the receptions connected to the election. Naturally, that was the only one I could attend and I was grateful that Formbi was bent on making the most of his stay on Csilla and also attending.

Thara and I had planned our conversations meticulously. From the hints dropped so far, Formbi knew that the prize that had slipped through his fingers over thirty years ago was possibly back within grasp. If he could get his hands on it. Which he might. Either by outmanoeuvring me or by cooperating. It would be nice to watch somebody else struggle with a decision like that for once. If he hadn't made up his mind already.

But as of now, House Mitth held all the trumps in the game. All he held, if he remembered, was absolution by me and an invitation. But he was not stupid enough to believe for a moment that that came without a price. I wondered how long it would take for him to accept that and inquire what it would be.

It was difficult to restrain myself and not watch him. Thara would be my radar and clue me in with the second half of a sentence. Then it was up to me to follow the script and hope the Aristocra moved on in a proper manner. Once we ran out of script, I'd have to go by seat of my pants and both Thara and I thought that a bad idea that could only end badly.

Still, when he happened to be in my view, I did watch Formbi. Damn, he was fine. His robes were immaculate, his poise perfect, and I wouldn't even start on his lor'kina. It was effortless. Judging by the grey in his hair, he was a little older than my absentee. It was a long time to hold a grudge. Or not. I really hoped for not.

I was discussing my future influence on the Meritocra via his sister-in-law with Otaim when Thara swept in. Her lor'kina declared she needed me for an urgent word or two in private.

“I promise I will not forget about your suggestions for redesign,” I said in Otaim's direction. We had had probably too much fun planning to put plastic potted plants on Chiss ships and decorating the staff with paper hats. I would lunge at any chance of levity I was given.

“I am sure the plans will improve for having Thara say a word about them.” He let us leave graciously.

“He is leaving. We must act now.” Her lor'kina was saying something completely different. It also rippled like a waterfall and I was glad Otaim and I had stood far from the doors so there was enough space between here and there that the rapid changes in lor'kina could go unnoticed.

I tried to match the grace of Thatra's fluent changes, but felt more like a lego-imitation of a waterfall, or maybe a waterfall of legos. I definitely felt as if I displayed the grace of somebody who had freshly stepped on a lego. But there was no helping that. Thara positioned us in the path of the Chaf to come and we kept up a string of conversation that was just below understandably audible level.

Then Thara caught my eye, indicating my right and changed the subject in mid-sentence. Formbi never had a chance to know what we had been talking about before.

“... but did the Republic never try again? It seems to be an awful waste of resources.”

“The Outbound Flight was the only project,” I followed our script. “After its utter failure it was impossible to garner enough support for a second attempt. Nobody wanted to lose another group of expensive ships possibly not even far into the Unknown Regions.”

“What about the bereaved?” Thara asked. “Did they not demand closure?”

I could almost feel Formbi slow down behind us and grow rabbit ears. Excellent. “The Outbound Flight was crewed with families. Many of them have nobody left to lobby for them since they all were aboard.” I sighed. “It would be proper to have at least looked for remains and survivors. But I don't think it will happen. The project is stranded in a foreign place. Even if the Republic had come looking for it, they would realise the space was claimed and not want to risk an incident.”

Thara expressed her indignation about such a cowardly government in clear lor'kina. I could have hugged her. “I am glad not to be part of that Republic,” she said. “To think that a complete project could be abandoned like that, without even an attempt to find out what happened to it.”

“I know,” I agreed. “It may be all the better that the Outbound Flight has no successors. I imagine the very different technologies will have developed even further now. There may be too much temptation on either side. But I think the Republic would react well if approached. The remains could be used as pretext to open relationships. Just in case.”

“That would take a lot of the initiative from our hands,” she cautioned. “As soon as it gets political,” her fingers shrugged.

I replied with a similarly elaborate shrug. “There are indeed not many forces to be reckoned with in Space Beyond. And those aggressive enough to try forced expansion tactics will be cautious to attack an enemy as well protected as the Ascendancy. So I think you are right. As soon as relationships do get opened, we will loose the influence there.”

If that didn't pique Formbi's interest, nothing would. I could see the Aristocra leave the range of hearing. I caught myself just before I flashed Thara a grin. There was always somebody watching. “Let us speak of more pleasant subjects,” I suggested.

“It may help that with House Chaf involved, you and Otaim may finally get around to implementing those changes to the fleet,” Thara said. Her eyes flashed subtly. “Though I am not sure I am happy that he has finally found somebody to elaborate this running gag with.”

“Be happy now,” I advised, “and sorry if anything ever actually comes of it.”

She agreed and we parted ways as unobtrusively as any two Chiss done with their current conversation. After some roaming around the precinct I made my exit as well. I had talked to everybody who would do so in public, exchanged greetings with some who didn't stoop quite as far and now that the scam with Thara was done, there was no reason to linger.

And that is the reason I didn't update here.


	104. Chapter 102

Not unexpectedly I had absolutely zero calling cards from Formbi in my stack the next day. I was about to get impatient already. Sarah was going to her first pre-school school trip. It would last a week though they were only visiting Ac'siel which was two towns over.

Still I was fussing, fussing so bad that even Sarah noticed.

“Mama!” She put her hands on her hips. It was a heartbreakingly human gesture.

“Sorry, luv.” I dropped my hands to my side. “I am just worried.”

“It is not far. And there are no sabretirs in Ac'siel. I asked.”

“You did?” I blinked. “You asked Leesa?”

She nodded earnestly. “I did not see the last one good. It ran away.”

And thank heaven for that. At least Sarah wasn't scarred for life by the experience. Though now I worried about her mental state. How could looking down the tooth-rimmed muzzle of a sabretir leave her so calm? Had I created a monster? Parenting was tricky. No matter what you did, you did _some_ thing wrong.

“Those are very dangerous animals,” I began cautiously. “They can kill you. So I am glad to hear there are none in Ac'siel.”

“Rukh can kill them all.” She shrugged with her shoulders and fingers, reminding me of a blue jelly. Smurf-jelly. Why not? There had been smurf ice cream back home. And if anything Sarah was sweet and totally scrumptious. Not that I was going to support this approach for sabretirs.

“But Rukh will not accompany you.” It twisted my insides to know that. Rukh and I had spent a whole night discussing the options and even he had come up with nothing. His absence here would be noticed and suspicious.

“I be careful,” she promised. “Rukh show me how.”

That was only partly reassuring. I wondered what would happen if she broke out a complete combat training under the watchful eyes of her teacher. It would raise questions I was not wishing to answer. And there was no real chance for Sarah to actually win many fights yet. Up against adults, children just had too many disadvantages due to still growing.

I tried to at least look relieved. “Okay. But only if a sabretir attacks you, right? No hitting other children.”

“Mama!” She certainly had her exasperated tone from the Chiss around her down pat. I could not remember being that good at it.

“Right, right. You know.” And she had actually never done that. I wondered where that fear came from. For a constantly beleaguered child she was sure doing well.

“She has many teachers,” Rukh told me.

Thrawn's private parlour had officially been turned into a gym by now. With a set of nice, sheer curtains I felt hidden enough from the world, even if it consisted only of the rest of the Family. I was brandishing my dagger in attempts to learn how to fight big predators. It had not been on my schedule as yet. But recent incidents had made it somewhat inevitable.

Training was difficult because Rukh was neither very big not shaped like any kind of carnivore I was likely to encounter. Not to mention he had had no time to teach Sarah any of this. “And that is keeping her safe how?”

“She thinks fast, she learns fast. She is not afraid.”

“The last could be a problem,” I sighed and lowered the dagger. “She might just bite off more than she can chew.”

“Don't we all?” He grinned the nightmare smile of the Noghri.

“I still wish there was a way to protect her when she is away. It feels so awfully unsafe.”

“It was a warning,” Rukh repeated. “To act now would give you no chance to mend your ways and render it irrelevant.”

“If she really wants me gone, there is nothing I can do.” I stared at the slim blade in my hands. Even if I decided to kill Odann myself, that would in no way change the overall situation. It would be like hacking off the tip of an iceberg and thinking it removed.

“She doesn't know you can expose her,” Rukh said.

I wanted to snort because actually I couldn't. I had absolutely no idea how to bring the events from back then to light. I did not even understand what had actually happened. Thought the 'why' was becoming more and more clear. House politics, that was what it all boiled down to.

“I will hold still,” I sighed. “I will make an effort to get myself a place in this blasted society, so Sarah won't be a target any longer. And I will make it in a direction that has nothing to do with Thrawn's exile.”

I closed my eyes shortly. “Who am I even fooling with that, Rukh? The Outbound Flight was about the last piece of the puzzle they put in place. Digging that up, literally and metaphorically, will fool nobody.”

“We will see.” He sounded so calm and certain. So I decided to trust him on that and just do my best. 

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	105. How The Mighty II

"How did you manage to make Formbi do that?"

"I didn't do anything." Odann raised her hands. "It is known that House Chaf wants to expand its field into the foreign regions. And Formbi is," she hesitated for a second, "keen to supply his House with an advantage – any advantage – he can."

"But he arrived right in time to force Ar'alani's hand against Thrawn. She would never have reported the full extent of his misdemeanour otherwise."

"I would not call the report complete by far," Odann contradicted. "His risky reputation has been cemented, nothing more."

"It helps," Dhenn said. "They want to turn him into a prime asset. Their whole House politics are geared towards it."

"Advantageous, no doubt," she replied. "but only useful once the house is wholly committed, they will not be vulnerable before that. What does the other House say?"

Dhenn prided himself in keeping the involvement of House Sabosen a secret from her and Odann saw no reason to disillusion him. Let him believe himself to be a mastermind, it was only of advantage to herself. She would keep referring to them as 'the other House' in his presence. She also knew perfectly well what Sabosen was up to.

"Oh, they are doing alright," Dhenn downplayed the role of the other House. "They are still operating under the assumption that it is a demotion-only operation."

"Excellent." Odann wanted to laugh. Operated under the assumption of demotion, indeed. It was amusing to watch both Houses dance around each other in intricate difficulties to keep the other believing that they were planning the mere demotion of a House. "We must keep it that way or they might try to place all the blame with us and reap the rewards."

"Don't worry about that." Dhenn was full of conviction. "They do not suspect a thing, not even the involvement of a third party."

Now Odann allowed herself an appreciative smile though it was for her own skill rather than that of Dhenn. Oh, he was good for playing his part, no doubt. But the intricacies and reach of House politics still eluded his grasp. Not that Nnari was any different. Admittedly, she had baulked at the idea of abolishing a whole House, but with only a little manoeuvring Odann had convinced her that the best approach would be to play along and expose House Prard red-handed.

Odann wondered if she had ever been so young and so blind. "We better wait until the waves have calmed down again, don't you think?"

"Indeed," Dhenn replied. "It will lull them into a false sense of security. We will give House Mitth all the time it needs to dig their own grave."

"Of course." She made her lor'kina display deference to his proposition, laughing inwardly the whole time. "And it will give their young Admiral time to find another battlefield to meddle on."

The Vagaari were nomads, stripping planets of their resources, including population, as they moved on. It would be easy enough to steer them. Odann leant back on her chair. "It is a shame that he chose to stay in the military. Politics is a much better field for meddling."

Dhenn did not look comfortable with idea of being up against Thrawn. But Odann enjoyed a challenge and the young commander was such fun to push around. Having him fight back might be delicious.

In the end it would probably be, even if it would be much to late for Thrawn to accomplish anything. The time of house Mitth had come. Odann even knew how to incorporate their Expansory Fleet into the home forces. It was only a matter of time.


	106. Chapter 103

Sarah left for her trip and I was antsy. I visited each and everybody, attended any event I could get my hands on and still had too much time to worry. It was eating me up and I was worrying instead of planning my future intrigues. I was worrying instead of eating properly. I was worrying instead of arting. I was worrying instead of sleeping. It was worrisome.

Rukh kept me as busy as he could during the training sessions and it was the time I felt most at ease. Likely because taking any bit of my mind from the task at hand had painful consequences. He knew what he was doing.

And in the middle of all the worries, I got the next letter from Thrawn. Still, I could worry only fleetingly about him having to face a Super Star Destroyer even if it was accompanied by matching fleet. And he had the Republic with him because the Yevethans were not very democratic plus had one or two fresh genocides to show.

_The information you have supplied over time keeps proving extremely useful_ , he wrote. _It is not the only thing I miss._

Talk about tearing up. Apart from the severe lack of physical contact the relationship was actually developing quite well. Titbits like that were scattered throughout the letters, his and mine both. Neither had anything to lose and nobody to face after writing down soppy sentences like that. Time and space put a distance between us that somehow helped.

I blamed my being a writer at heart for it. I could put down a thousand words to make everything alright. And just the right words right back would make everything alright in return. And if he didn't mean a single word he said, well, maybe neither did I. It was only words but words were all we had.

And it was easier to profess open affection than talk covertly about my worries for Sarah. And whatever information he put into the letters, it was sure harder to spot as well. It was a good reason to reread the letters. And the more often I read them, professions of things and all, the easier it was to believe. I was in a dream relationship. I was dreaming a relationship. And whatever else, I had always been exceptionally good at that in general and this one especially.

I remembered a collection of pathos-laden love letters to an unknown person I had once started and decidedly decided not to draw from them. I also decided not to dwell on whether or not any of the words managed to shape the reality outside of my head and how it might look when Thrawn finally returned. I'd burn that bridge when I arrived at it. And so far it was still a long time away.

Better to try and keep my mind on the things at hand. There seemed to be so many lately that I felt I was losing it. All the threads that came hopelessly knotted me up and I was in entanglements I didn't see through any longer.

“I really wish Sarah wasn't on a trip,” Threll said when he dropped in for his visit.

I stared at him. I hadn’t thought he was keen on seeing my daughter as well. Maybe he was trying to be more domestic? I didn't have the lightest.

“You are fretting impossibly,” he went on sipping on his unspiced water.

“I'm sorry. I really should be more used to it,” I replied. “But last time she was at least travelling with family. I just hope she is enjoying herself.”

“Likely more than you can imagine,” Threll said. “Class trips are always great fun.”

“I really hope you are right.” I frowned, recalling my own experiences with them which were mixed at best. “Still, there are other things we better talk about.”

“Indeed.” He grinned. “Though nothing is official as yet we do think about it. So far Attal has not directed much energy into specialisation, but expansion will need things built in new places, maybe even among new civilisations. It is a branch he is studying with interest now.”

I had not meant to talk about his private life, but seeing how Chiss seemed incapable to keep private and professional cleanly apart, I should not have been so surprised. “I am sure it will be very useful. Though contact needs to be established at first and to do that, we need a reason.”

“And this is why I am here. Unfortunately, I can't just fly around in the Redoubt as I please.” He slumped his shoulders shortly. “But knowing what to look for helps. And maybe we won't have to be so careful any longer soon?”

I blinked. “The Redoubt is officially being developed,” I said.

“It is indeed,” Threll replied carefully. “And as you may know the question into whose responsibility that falls is still being debated resulting in long and complicated answers. Is it military? And if so does the Redoubt already belong to our territory or is it still in expansionary responsibility until somebody actually moves in there?”

“I have read through all the bickering, if that is your question.” It had been boring and complicated with only a few highlights. “And it has not escaped me that a certain Chaf Aristocra showed deep interest in the whole project. As far as I know, he does not have any direct influence or ties to it, though.”

“You should listen to the first part of what you just said,” Threll replied.

I did and once again my own stupidity came to bite me in the ass. And the way Threll had said it, it seemed that my guy in yellow had at least five fingers in that pie. Well, well, well. Looked like we were dancing indeed.

“He can't do that much directly, though, can he now?” I inquired. “Though if you try to stay hidden and he does as well, you may just stumble over each other in the dark.”

“It is difficult to trip somebody in the dark,” Threll picked up the image, “but not impossible.”

We did not have to tell each other how crafty Formbi was and that if any tripping was happening, he would make it happen. Of course that would change if I actually managed to interest him in my little project. So far he had not really known the Outbound Flight was hidden somewhere in the Redoubt, right?

“You look worried, Mellanna. Having any sudden doubts?”

I shook my head. “No, just memory problems. I need some time to think soon.”

“Can I help?”

“You are helping immensely already,” I let him know. “I just need to get a better grasp on what the Aristocra knows already. And I have found a missing piece to the puzzle just now, so thank you for that. What I really need next is the actual location of the wreck. And anything you can dig up on the Vagaari.”

He raised a curious brow. “I thought you were looking into the background of the last Meritocra.”

“Let Attal do that. Doesn't even have to be specific to that time frame.” Things were suddenly falling into place. “I will talk to Inari again.”

When Threll saw that he wouldn't get more information out of me, he let up. Instead we discussed safe communication channels and how I could probably call on Okara openly by now. When he was gone, I sat down to do some serious mind wrecking.

I decided that Formbi could not know that the Outbound Flight was hidden in the Redoubt. It had been a reason to chose it as hiding place, if I remembered correctly, that only ships of the _Expansionary_ Defence Fleet went in there. Those ships were all under Mitth control. Though Formbi might have some eyes and ears on them.

He had wanted those ships badly and space was huge and it was difficult to find six Dreadnaughts in it, but who knew how and where he had looked. I wouldn't put some serious searching past him. So he was not sure. He might suspect something. And if he did, I had just cemented his suspicion. That left how I could be so sure. There was no way word could have gotten back to the Republic, right? Right?

Oh that was so wrong. I mean, technically it was correct, but nobody here knew. And I had been asked about Jedi before. An unknown phenomenon here. So nobody could be really sure what their powers were and how strong they were. And there had still been a living Jedi on the ships when they had crashed. One living Jedi was all I needed.

And communication from Jedi to Jedi by means of the Force was not impossible. Okay, it was a stretch to say somebody had pretty much sent the exact coordinates to another Jedi via head-mail. But who could tell it wasn't so? Who could prove me wrong? Nobody, that’s who. Not even Luke, though he'd know I was lying by reading me with the Force.

I let out a long breath. That left the question of Inari's involvement. I needed some technological favours, and not of the kind Ittor could provide. Still I was reluctant to let yet another person in on my plans. It would have been great to discuss this with Thrawn. He'd probably even find a way to use Inari without her noticing what was going on. But if he had been here to advise me, I would not be here having these problems.

_I miss you_ , I spelled out. _The family is incomplete without you and so am I._ After all, words were all I had.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	107. Chapter 104

Though I itched to see Inari again, I decided to wait and see what my husband had to say about that. Though it was probably unfortunate that this relationship I had in written words worked better than any normal one I had had, it _was_ working out nicely. Thoughts about facing the real thing were firmly pushed to the back of my mind. I had very different problems right now.

"I hope you agree that by now we can talk officially?" Okara did not look surprised by my call.

"I think so. Though we should keep it to a minimum."

I agreed with my lor'kina. "I had to contact you before you leave again. I apologise." She waited for me to explain myself. "I wondered if you still had the safety copies of his plans."

There it was. It had taken me long enough to think of it. But really, what did the bastard expect? It had been a throwaway line in a very awkward conversation. Of course I had put it in the last corner of my mind. I would likely never have thought of it again, had I not gotten along so spiffing splendid with Okara.

"Actually, I do." She looked thoughtful. "I have often thought about pursuing the more sensible of them. But the political climate was never quite right before."

"It may soon be," I grinned. "Would you mind giving me copies of them?"

"I think I can do better, after all he is now yours." Her lor'kina rippled with mirth and things hidden.

Ok. Message understood. "That would be much appreciated," I said. "I did not dare ask."

'Dare' was naturally a lot better a verb in that situation than 'think'. Words were just a perfect tool to create reality. And the very next day she was at the anero on some pretext, bringing the little package herself. That said a lot already, but she repeated herself as we ambled through the garden.

"There might be more information than which is coded onto the cards." She smiled. "I am actually certain there is."

"But of course you know nothing of it." The number of people who knew things that might help me but wouldn't tell me for reasons was ever increasing.

"Of course not. After all the wrappings are purely protective. They are safety copies after all."

At least I knew where to start looking now. "Safety is very important to him," I replied. "Not only that of the data."

"I know." She stopped and turned towards me. "I should not, but I do know. And," her smile turned sad, "I am actually grateful I am not you."

"Story of my life." I sighed.

"You are doing well."

"What choice do I have?" I began to walk again. "There is no alternative."

"There is always a choice," Okara insisted. "It is up to you to decide on whether or not the alternatives are acceptable."

Well, there was that. Of course I could just give up and live the rest of my life among scheming bastards, not to mention become one. If that hadn't already happened. It was a choice I had but I certainly did not consider it acceptable.

Neither was pulling up my stakes and fleeing the place, though I was sorely tempted a few days later. Sarah had returned from her trip. She had so much to tell that she didn't know where to start and tended to repeat herself.

"It was more blue," she said for the third time. "Not as blue as on Noris, but it was more blue than here."

She was talking about the dome of ice over Ac'siel. It was not the only thing different from Csapla. For one thing Ac'siel was smaller, the districts were smaller, everything was smaller.

"Except for the people," Sarah amended. "They were normal sized. And the houses are, too. And there was the museum for stones and history and there were animals in the stone."

Fossils were interesting my smurf quite a lot. The idea that something died and stayed in one place long enough to turn into stone was too tremendous to be grasped. And then there had been mummified animals and even people who had fallen into swamps and lasted for centuries and millennia.

Sarah went ahead to re-imagine some swamps on paper. They ended up sporting tentacles and huge jaws full of teeth. "So they can grab people and hold them."

"That explains the tentacles," I agreed, "But why the teeth?"

It turned out Sarah just wanted the swamp to look dangerous and big teeth were dangerous, right? Remember the sabretir, right? I did, but it did not fill me with anything but deep resentment. Even if Sarah was more disappointed by the fact that there had indeed been none of them in Ac'siel.

"They do not have a district for that," she said disapprovingly.

"We do not have the fossils," I replied. "Every city is different."

She was thinking about that for a bit. "How many cities are there?"

"On Csilla?"

"No. How many?"

She might just as well ask how many stars there were in the sky. Or not, because she didn't see those on a regular basis. "Too many to count." I could see this answer did not go down well. You could count one city, you could count two. What would stop you from counting them all? I needed a different approach.

"What makes a city?" I asked her.

"Many people," she said almost immediately. "And houses and a museum and streets and parks."

"How many 'many people'?" I insisted. "Will ten people be enough? Or fifty?"

"No, mama!" My ignorance was not appreciated. "You need a Central and main districts and more districts and all need to be with people."

My calculating skills were horrible so I didn't quite know how many people that would make. "Many cities are not organised in districts, luv. Even in the Ascendancy cities that are not under ice have no strictly separated districts."

Faced with that truth, her mind just went off on another tangent. "How do people know where to live?"

"They live wherever they want." I decided not to introduce affordability and as such economics.

"How do they know it is a good place to live?"

"Are there bad places to live?" Now this was a new notion. "Why would there be a bad place to live? Nobody wants to live in a bad place."

"But if you are not where your family is," she began to explain slowly, "then you are not with your family. You are with the wrong family. Is that not bad?"

"No it is not." I hoped fervently there was no general agreement that it was. The concept of family was too fluent here to stick to such rules. Or that was my understanding. And that had proven to be off before. "The commoners do not belong to a Ruling Family. They live where they want."

It was not strictly speaking true. Most of the commoners had ties to a Ruling Family from their military service and ended up in districts close to that Ruling House they somehow provided related services to.

"And no place is bad for them?"

"No. All places are good. Maybe it is far to work, but then they can move if they want. Why do you think there is a bad place to live?"

"The woman said that," Sarah replied as if it explained everything.

"What woman?"

"In Ac'siel," she explained. “She said it was a bad place for me to be because it was not a Mitth district.”

“But you were with your class,” I hoped to state the obvious.

To her credit she fidgeted. “There was a felinx,” she finally admitted.

It was rare to see any pets. The paperwork was enormous and most people in Csapla didn't have the time to invest themselves in a pet beside their social lives. I understood how Sarah had been impressed.

“And Leesa did not notice you stayed behind.”

More fidgeting than should be possible on one child. “I didn't want her too, so I did the vanish.”

There was only one likely source for her to learn something like that from. I would have to talk with him later. “And what did Rukh say about when you were allowed to use the vanish?”

She looked at her feet very hard. “When I am in danger.”

“Were you in danger?”

“No.”

Well, at least she was still thinking straight. “I do not want you to do that again, Sarah. Do you hear me?” I knelt down, put my hands on her shoulders and forced her to look at me. “Do you understand?”

“Yes, mama.” It was almost inaudible. I must sound a lot more worried than I had hoped.

“Alright. I will trust you.” I kept looking at her sternly. After all she was a child. And no matter what she promised now, another felinx might just be too much temptation again. “So, tell me about that felinx and the woman.”

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	108. Chapter 105

I waited until Sarah was at pre-school the next day to freak out. “Kidnapping!” I was thrashing imaginary enemies and none got out alive. “I am just glad we taught her not to go along with strangers. I am just glad she actually kept to that.”

“It sounded as if Leesa did notice her absence in time, too,” Rukh replied, calmly deflecting all my blows. “She did only see the back of the woman.”

That was unfortunately true. And the woman had been wearing brown. Just a well-meaning person. Indeed. But anybody could wear brown. There was some attempt at recreating the patterns of the Ruling Houses in the designs, but in general they meant nothing. Perfect anonymity. Perfect disguise. It seemed the masks I had to fear here were not black but brown.

“What will I do if something happens to her?” I stared a Rukh who took the opportunity to kick the feet out under me.

“What you have to do.” He was about to knock me unconscious when my reflexes kicked in. At least those were working when my brain shut down. Excellent work, actually.

“I don't mean the practicalities,” I replied, making sure I was out of his reach. “I mean with myself.

“There are other women who lost their children.” Rukh just continued the exercise. “The compulsive military training will have seen to that.”

I was about to object. It was one thing to lose your child in the line of duty, duty it shared with all other children. It was something else entirely to lose your child because it was seen as the easy route to get to you personally. But in the end, what was the result? You had lost your child and nothing could bring it back. How did you cope with that?

“Won't be helping me much,” I finally said, “because I'd get kicked out on top of losing her.”

Even if I could return to the Empire and my personal Chiss, somehow I didn't think that would make up for losing Sarah. Not to mention the underlying dread I'd bring with me. What if there was to be another shot at the plan?

“We'll just make sure she doesn't die,” Rukh said. “That should solve all those problems neatly.”

I wondered how he could be so calm about it. But the only logical conclusion was that he was no stranger to it. And that was a place I really didn't want to go. Though maybe, I should? Being a friend and all that? Not that I knew how to approach such a subject properly.

“Do not ask,” Rukh growled into my thoughts. “Concentrate on defending yourself sensibly instead.”

And that was that. I wished I could put the thoughts down as easily but they kept coming back. They painted the possibility of Sarah's death in all shades of desperate black. How did parents stand it? How did Leia cope? Why couldn't I raise Sarah in a normal place? Just any old place where she wasn't seen as a way to get rid off me.

I was certain my parents hadn't had to worry about something like that. Well, they might have had something else to worry themselves silly about. It was another dead-end, just as trying not to think about who Rukh may have lost in his life already.

Suddenly an exiled husband didn't seem so bad. And except for Sey everybody I knew had been well and alive when I left. Deerian didn't really count. He had been old even for GFFA standards. His death was not an untimely loss.

I took the time to look up the death rates during compulsory military service. Not unexpectedly it was decidedly higher in the Expansory Defense Fleet than in the Defense Fleet. I sighed. In the medical departments the difference was not that pronounced. Maybe I should just encourage Sarah to go in that direction and buckle up to having her adopted away by Storm one day. There were worse things. And losing her to Storm would not even feel much like losing her.

Of course that was all castles in the sky. This was not a good comparison on Csilla where the sky was only a few miles up and frozen solid. Oh well. We'd make sure she got that old and that meant protecting her well now. Rukh was slowly fading out of my personal background. Instead he followed Sarah more often, invisible as only a Noghri could be.

Things would not get easier when Sarah started to attend school in autumn. It was another subject I would have liked to evade, but of course she wouldn't let me. She had been waiting for this for too long.

It was always school this and school that. She was completely enamoured with her school uniform, too. The uniform was all in the cut of the tunic, trousers and boots. The pattern was a simplified version of her personal pattern. She strutted around in it at home whenever she got away with it. She looked great in it, too, very grown up. Except when she was bouncing around with excitement, telling me about all the things she'd finally learn.

“All the planets,” She declared. “Not just Ascendancy. Everywhere! And then we will go there, too.”

So much for the joys of learning. My daughter seemed to prefer the joys of travelling. Looking at her mum, I knew where that came from. “And what will you do in all those places?” I wanted to know.

“Science.”

Of course that answered it all. Science was taking her things apart and digging a hole in the garden to plant the core of her fruit and excavating the irrigation system and definitely throwing things into the pond to see if they could swim. I felt very sorry for any planet that allowed my hyperactive smurf to run science amok on it.

So far she was gratefully keeping to a few crucial rules. No science on things not hers without asking the owner. No science on her flute. No crying over results of carelessly applying science to her things. The last was not quite set in stone yet, but Sarah was learning that some things could not be put together again. She also learnt that asking an adult this question in advance could prevent a lot of heartache.

She had enough of that already and going to school would not change that. I had spent a very long morning with her trust teacher. An interesting idea actually. Each child got one teacher to turn to with all questions and troubles throughout their years. It didn't matter if they actually taught classes each year. Mitth'ron'ikleo was to be the future mentor of Sarah. He seemed nice enough and was probably better at handling children that I would ever be.

It was clear from the get go that, again, Sarah would be a special needs pupil. The idea was to shift her through the classes slowly. A new group started every fourteen weeks so it should not be too difficult to shift Sarah into a lower group when she couldn't keep up any longer. That way she would stay long enough to get frustrated a little and start up again ahead of the group, hopefully feeling better.

I shrugged and had no better idea. I would get an advance warning so I could prepare to handle the situation at home. That would be such fun. Not. She was getting into an age where mice comparisons would not cut it any longer. If parenting was supposed to get easier over time, I was sure doing something wrong. That Sarah loved me anyway was not proof of anything. Children loved their parents pretty much regardless of what you did to them.

I bemoaned the fact that I could not use the traditional threat of 'wait until your father comes home.' Or I might, but with a very different meaning. Can I get a bantha? Wait until your father comes home. Yeah, that would work. With a sigh I tried to come up with more feasible plans.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	109. Chapter 106

Somebody was actually reading my mail to Thrawn. It was nothing really new but there was a decided difference between suspecting and knowing. I stared at the note. It was a small bit of flimsy, not even big enough to be really called a note. There were only four words on it anyway.

_Inari involved.  
Be careful._

Now that was very helpful. Not. Because if Inari had been involved back then, how could I even think about letting her on to anything I was up to today? And really, if she had been involved, why just be careful? I wondered if it was some kind of code. But if it was, I didn't get it. Which would either mean that it was meant the way it was written or that the warning did not come from Thrawn.

I didn't believe the note came from him. Though written in basic, it was not the handwriting I had come to recognise with my eyes closed.

That could of course mean that Thrawn considered the message too important to wait with sending it and had just called on somebody, Stent? Parck? Did I want to know? Who then had had in turn somebody here write it out for me.

None of the explanations I had were making much sense. So I decided to do what I always did: put my foot right in. And I didn't even have to wait for long because my visits with Inari had become somewhat regular. And I liked her. And it would be all kinds of awkward.

“You are very formal today,” she noticed immediately. “Should I worry?”

“You, maybe me, too,” I slumped my shoulders slightly. “Me possibly more than you, but we will see.”

“You certainly have my attention.” Inari did not look worried the least.

“You probably noticed my interest in some past event,” I began.

Her hands rose in agreement. “It would require a great amount of blindness not to.”

“And there are some questions I feel I need to ask you.” This was more difficult than expected. Fortunately, I had somewhat of a filler first. “You were not a member of House Inrokini when the humans sent their first ships. I wondered if you could help me with some technological questions, still.”

A brow rose. Obviously she had expected something else. OK. OK? I didn't know. But I was still alive so there was that. “What kind of information are you looking for?”

“Nothing spectacular, I think. Correct me if I'm wrong.” I tried to smile but was too tense. “The Vagaari were also involved in the conflict and I wondered what had happened to their technologies. I think some would have been different from Chiss types.”

Inari leant back. “An interesting question, but indeed nothing spectacular. And since the case is so old, I can certainly find copies of the proceedings. I don't remember much useful coming from it apart from interdiction fields, though. Their technology was cobbled together as much as everything they had. Stolen from their victims, sometimes obviously without the slightest understanding how it worked."

“I suspected that much,” I admitted a small defeat. “But I would still like to look at it, if that's alright?”

“Your requests are as strange as people tell,” Inari actually smiled. “I will send you what I can find. But it will all be on record.”

“Of course.” I returned the smile as well as I could. Which was not very well, because the shoe I intended to drop was still hovering and the steel-enforced toes were getting heavy. “That is very kind of you, considering.”

“Considering what exactly?” Her lor'kina became wary alright.

“Your involvement,” I said hoping that was clear enough.

“Involvement in what?” Obviously it wasn't.

Oh well, I'd just go ahead and get myself killed. “In the banishment process.”

She didn't reply for a long time. “You are indeed going there? I am surprised.”

Why? Because it had been a long time ago? Because it was going to be hella difficult to get anything done? Because I was up against half the Chiss society headed by its ex-Meritocra? Well, yes. That would probably caution a more intelligent person. Long live stupidity!

“Why would you be surprised?” I asked her a revised and much calmer version of my thought process. “Is it so unlikely for me to wish to see him again?”

“Considering the story you spread actually not. I would indeed seem only logical.” She hesitated a moment. “But only an outsider would consider trying to upend the Chiss society in such a way.”

I shrugged a human shrug. “Here I am. Hello.”

“Indeed. Most unexpected.”

“And also most unwelcome, I understand.”

“And you are talking to me because?”

“I got a strange warning that didn't do anything but confuse me. So I thought I'd just ask directly.”

“And get yourself terminated?” She saw the flaw in my plan alright.

“I don't think you would. Not that I know why.” But if she had been dangerous, I would have been told. I hadn't. What had Thrawn thought I'd do with such a strange warning? Probably exactly what I was doing now. I smiled. Stupid bastard. “You were a Sabosen back then. Legal backing is always welcome for any kind of undertaking. “

“And you are definitely in need of some,” her shoulders slumped slightly. “But I cannot give you that. I could give you names.”

Now that was unexpected. It was an angle I hadn’t considered yet. “Actually, I was just hoping for some information. Like, are you going to have me stabbed in the middle of the night or no?”

“Definitely 'or no', Mellanna.” She actually smiled. “My involvement was of double nature. I will confirm the truth if you find it.”

Great. Just great. Why did nobody want to help me outright? Or was that outright for a Chiss? “When,” I corrected her. “I understand that you don't want to know. It was very ugly business.”

“If you say so.” She didn't give anything. “Do not underestimate the past as a force to destroy your future. And your situation is so precarious already.”

She was totally right about that. “You think I can't do it.”

“Everybody thinks that,” she replied. “Not without unacceptable losses.”

So that was it. The other side was not above sacrificing an innocent child to keep their asses covered. I shouldn't have been surprised, considering what they had pulled off back in the day. And that was just the result of Thrawn and friends intervening with all they had.

I was angry. Not because of almost strangers ready to kill my daughter, that was a given, I was angry that people like this existed at all. How did you turn into somebody who believed that the end justified the means? And how far down that road was I already? It scared me.

“Can I still be a good person?” I asked Rukh.

He looked at me stoically for a moment. “Define good.”

And there I was. The whole ethics mess, served neatly on a silver platter, all mine. It was ugly alright and I quickly turned my attention back to matters at hand. Somehow I was sure I wouldn't like what I found if I poked my ethics with the realities of my current life.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	110. Chapter 107

The day Sarah finally got to go to school was long anticipated by the both of us. It finally ended weeks of overexcited bouncing and annoying the crap out of everybody. Even Thirba who tended to be patience itself around Sarah was starting to avoid her for longer encounters.

True to herself, she was up an hour too early. At least she could read the chrono so pointing out 'not yet' worked somewhat. There was no Schultüte for her. Nobody except Germans knew that tradition anyway. Still it made me a little sad. She looked totally dashing in her blue-and-burgundy uniform. A Schultüte would have added the extra cuteness factor. I sighed and did not muss up her hair. She would likely have skinned me.

“You can come,” she informed me in a tone that suggested I better not embarrass her before her peers.

“I cannot miss it,” I replied. As her mother it was somewhat my job to embarrass her before her peers, was it not? I thought I had read something about that in the job description.

She even let me hold her hand for the first part of the walk. But the closer we came to the centre, the more she fidgeted until she freed herself in the end. The buildings rose around us and then we arrived at the central skyrail stem. Since children from each district were attending the same school, putting it into the central district was making sense.

I could see other children approach from all directions. Some had a parent along, some didn't. None of them looked quite as excited as Sarah. But then, none of them had seen their friends move on to school for a year.

“Tell me everything, okay?” It was an unnecessary request. I was likely to hear nothing else for the remainder of the day. Well, there might be homework. I watched her vanish through the double doors without a glance back and really, _really_ hoped she'd like it.

I had liked school. Like Sarah I couldn't wait until I was old enough and was allowed to accompany my sister on the Saturdays when there was no kindergarten. It was a bummer because that was two hours art and the other I had forgotten. Not too educating in my opinion.

Overall school had been fine. Primary school especially, though the system was not ready for child already able to read. And somewhat fast. I had gotten two Fs in dictates, once because I tried to read under the table at the same time, and once because I was so bored that I kept looking at my slow neighbour's progress to see when things would move on. Other than that things went well.

Secondary school was more problematic because that was when gender separation hit me over the head and I just didn't get it. I was definitely a girl and deep into action series, football, and wearing hoodies with jeans. That those two should not go together was not computing. And life was not that much fun.

Looking back, I could go off on rants for forever about gender stereotypes. A thing Sarah would luckily not have to grapple with. As far as I could tell, nobody cared what sex you were, except if you wanted to bear children. No, her problem would be having to watch her friends move up the classes again, staying behind. Always staying behind.

She would live. Not always happy, but I would do the best I could. So would people around her, those who didn't want to kill her that was. The school was built right at and into the stem of the skyrail. A school cheese of tunnels and passages, no doubt. I tried not to worry. Not for Sarah because Rukh was watching her, not for me because Rukh was accordingly not watching me.

Back home a first batch of information from Inari was waiting for me. I was going to drown in that fucking stuff. I hadn't even started to make a dent in Thrawn's data that Okara had given me. That code was a killer, even for me. Probably especially for me, but I had complained to my dear absentee husband and hoped for clues in the next letter.

Slumping down at my desk, I made my way through my accounts first. If things kept proceeding like that, I could start looking for my own holiday residence in the coming year. If I could pry Sarah from Noris. Or me. It was actually only four more months until the next holiday was planned. If it was actually planned that way. I would have to ask Storm about that.

But first I browsed through the files from Inari. As expected the reports were all old and not classified. They were also not that interesting. The de-classified stuff would probably take longer to get. I would have to wait and since I didn't have that much to do. Ahaha. Well, anyway.

The technologies found on the Vagaari vessel was mostly known to the Chiss already. They did not have much contact with the outside world, but trading science when it seemed worth it, was something they did. There were schools for the trade languages even. So.

This meant that the recording of the doomed battle had likely been made with compatible and known technology. Easy enough to explain any inconsistencies away. One question less. Now all I had to do is find how you could communicate with a nomadic and highly aggressive people without anybody noticing.

It needed to be something even better concerted than what Okara and I had done. Dhenn had been on Csilla as well, so he was out. But what about somebody from his family? The name Drask came to mind. But research found that he was too young, he had barely joined the military for service. So he would stick around because if I didn't remember his name form the Outbound Flight then it was from Survivor's Quest.

Back to square one. Or maybe a different first square. After all, all I had to do was find a Prard with close connections to Dhenn who had also served on a Mitth task force during that time. Shouldn't be so difficult, right? Well, it wasn't. Pretty much because there was nobody. Right. Would Odann have dared to communicate with the Vagaari herself? She was self-confident, no doubt about that.

And she was a Nuruodo. All I had to do was look at Threll who had somehow managed to get himself appointed to a picket force close to Attal's House. And who would suspect a Nuruodo? They were the closest allies we had. Or the closest allies House Mitth had. My closest ally was actually a Kres. Followed by a Nuruodo, okay. Point taken.

I put my throbbing head into my hands and tried to think straight for a moment. I had no proof at all of who had gotten the recording from the Vagaari and how. All I knew was that it had had to happen fast, before the force itself returned to Chiss space. That meant somebody in the force or a hidden shadow, trailing them.

“Impossible,” Okara said. “A Picket Force on its way to a battle is highly alert. Even if you know how it keeps track of everything around it, your only chance to trail it unseen would be out of transmission range.”

“Which in turn makes any attempt at getting the data out in vain.” This stupid problem was more difficult to solve than should be allowed. “That leaves personnel.”

“Done and done.” Okara looked beat. “You can look up the background checks on everybody aboard. They were done very thoroughly to prove any involvement and condoning of the used tactics.”

I got how that would have meant something finer than a toothbrush under the circumstances. Anything slightly suspicious would have been found. Still, I got copies of the files and added them to my ever-growing pile of probably useless data.

But the pile would have to wait. I had a daughter about to return and talk my ears off. After all the frustrations of the day, I was looking forward to that even more. Putting everything else to the back of my mind, I prepared myself for a long, long, afternoon.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	111. Chapter 108

Sarah was a lot quieter than expected when she finally returned. She was also not yet willing to say why. It was not the number of strangers or the teachers or the subjects as far as I could tell. But she wasn't ready to tell me yet, so I decided to wait and see for a now. In the meantime I got myself as much of an education as you could from a rambling first grader.

It took her the rest of the day to come to grips with her problem and I was just about to turn off the light for the night when she finally spoke up. "How long is school?"

I returned to her bed and sat down on the edge again. "Each day or until you graduate?"

"Graduate." She managed to get that out audibly but only just.

"Well," I hedged. It was easy for Chiss children who entered the military academy at twelve. But they were fully grown at that time and Sarah would not. She was growing up fast but not that fast. But did I tell her that now?

"About six years," I finally replied. "Why?"

"In the speech, it was a good speech," she assured quickly, "in the speech she said we are grown up now. We know what we want to be. What work we want to do."

A long silence followed. "Mama, what if I don't know?"

That was a big helping of existential angst to get on your first day at school. "You wanted to be a medic," I reminded her.

"But I wanted to be scientist as well," she added. "And gardener and pilot and fighter and tamer."

I saw her point. "And you do not want to be any of that any more?"

“I don't know." She looked at me imploringly. "I am not grown up if I don't know. Can I go to school?"

I did not see how any of that was connected but since it was for her, I better untangle the mess. "You do not need to be all grown up yet." I ran my hand over her hair. "School is still growing up. School means you learn everything. And then you decide what you want to work."

I could see this was only working half. "What comes after school?"

"Academy. Service. Academy." Her forehead scrunched up.

"Military academy, that's right luv. Do you already work in your job then?"

The frown deepened but finally she shook her head. "I learn military. I fight for the Ascendancy."

"Right. You will protect us all." I had to smile at the idea of my smurf in full battle gear. Of course it wouldn't be so funny anymore when she was grown up and actually out there fighting. I pushed the thought away while keeping the smile. "And then you start work. You have time to decide until then."

She still didn't believe it though she wanted to. "And in service? Do I have to know in service."

"I am sure you will know then." I hoped it sounded convincing enough for her. "You will know when you graduate. I promise."

She nodded. In my capacity as mother I was able to make such promises. I just hoped I would be able to keep it. "And then I do service and go to the House I want. If I want." She looked slightly guilty.

I nodded, holding on to my smile. "That you do. If you still want science, you go to Inrokini. And if you want medicine, you go to Kres. You do whatever you want." I leant down to give her another kiss.

That seemed to be enough for the moment. I could see more questions starting to creep up on her. But this was not the time. "Now you sleep, luv. Tomorrow will be time for many more questions."

She nodded and laid back, pulling her blanket up. "I have many questions." She sounded sleepy already. "You answer them. And school."

At least one person had faith in my ability to actually know something. I switched off the light and closed the door softly. Then I settled down with Rukh to discuss the security set-up for my endangered smurf at her school.

It would not be easy but when had it been? And with him putting less time into protecting me it would work out more or less. It was the less that worried me. Rukh promised to prime Sarah on situations that would work in public. It did little to alleviate my fears, mostly because I hated the idea of anybody trying to get at her, public or no.

My pile of useless data didn't help me much either. Okara was not getting on fast with charting the Redoubt. She was making a strong argument for it though and got possibly surprising backup from Formbi. If there was anybody in the Redoubt, the argument went, they better find out before the Ascendancy put its last resort there.

It was an argument that actually made sense and worked. More scouting was happening, white areas vanished from maps. No Dreadnaughts were found as yet, though. Not even the end of one peeking out of a lot of rubble. It was frustrating. Being impatient didn't help any. And telling myself that the remains had only been found ten years from now didn't help either.

Inari had sent a list of archives that held the documents from the incident with the Vagaari and Outbound Flight. Those were definitely too much to send, I had to realise. There was a whole archive dedicated to the technology, its study, incorporation and extrapolation. Reading the indices alone was mind-boggling.

There was one item in comms that caught my though. It tied in with the problem I had discussed with Thara. Only in-depth study would show it was actually helping, so I decided to postpone that. Instead I browsed the personnel lists and marked names with possible connections. Then I compared those with the files my Admiralship had left behind and marked any mention of any of them.

With that done, all that remained was to wait for a letter from the aforementioned. And the usual routine of social activities, annoying Storm and bringing myself to a level of competence that stopped Rukh from worrying over my safety while he shadowed Sarah.

School was agreeing with her. With the pressure of having the rest of her life mapped out already removed, she tackled it with her usual hunger for anything new. I was glad to see that her class-mates treated her equal enough. If anybody saw her impending move to a lower class, nobody mentioned it.

"I hear she is exceeding expectations," Storm said.

It was true, but seeing what those expectations had been, I was not sure it was a compliment. "She is throwing herself at it with all she's got," I replied. "I do not know how long she can keep that up. I see her study so much and still Throni says she is only in the middle of her class. I worry."

"Of course you do." He smiled. "You will worry for as long as you have children."

That would be until the end of my life. Oh well. I had expected something like that. A reason I had not really wanted children. Life-long responsibility and worry were not high on my list of things I wanted. "I hope to worry less some day."

"You may. Though it is not usually how it works. Not until they leave service anyway."

"Agreed." But then most children did not grow up with a scheming bastard trying to kill them. I doubted any child on Csilla grew up without a scheming bastard for a parent, or two of them. "But special circumstances apply. I promise to worry more when she enters service."

"I hear she might pursue a medical career?" His eyes flashed.

"She will stick to that until she decides," I replied. "She feels the need to prove that she is grown up by not changing her preferred occupation every few weeks in public."

" _A'rare_." He decided to hold on to his interpretation. "Just wait."

"You will laugh, but that is exactly what I intend to do."

"Just in that respect, I hope?" His lor'kina posed a few questions, most of which I didn't plan to answer. "My activities are well-monitored. I am quite sure you know more about them than I do."

"Indeed. I assume that includes your upcoming holiday?"

"It does indeed, my friend." I grinned. "But since you know all about that already and I have a key and a ship, I think we need not talk about that."

"I have heard it coincides with my own." A brow rose. "People will talk."

"They better. It will keep their minds off other things." At least that was my hope. And talk about me and Storm was like the tide, rising and falling depending on how many other interesting things were currently happening. It was a good indicator actually. I couldn't remember a single word of 'talk' during the elections.

And since people would talk, so did we; not only about the holiday.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	112. Chapter 109

Since I had not thought about it in advance, ha! What else was new! I had to talk to Throni about the holiday. He suggested using the break to move Sarah into a lower class but I didn't want her holidays tainted by that. He understood. And as yet, she was able to keep up.

I wondered how long she'd be able to keep all the studying up. She was just a tiny smurf and there were other activities scheduled in her life. Thinka told me how her progress with the flute was slowing down since school started. I could only agree. What else was there?

A short and very disheartening conversation with my daughter had showed that she was utterly determined not to fall behind again. Ever. I was preparing for a very ugly time ahead when she would anyway. It was not good to be a child of mixed heritage on Csilla.

Rukh had worrisome reports as well. We were both being watched closely. And there were way too many opportunities for a determined kidnapper, not to mention murderer, to get at either of us. There was not much I could do to improve the odds without being odd. But since every little bit helped, I tried to randomize our routines as well as I could.

The archives Inari had linked me to proved very helpful. A lot of the data had been confidential for years. What better way to hide something than in plain sight, or at least in plain sight after years of utmost discretion? Right. And who would still be looking ten years after the incident? Nobody, that's who. And who'd be looking for long-range transmission devices anyway?

Me. That was who. And that was what I found. By now this longer range of ships' transmissions was normal. The technology had been adapted from some transmitters on board of one of the Vagaari ships. It had been tested on ships of the CEDF for years until it was installed on all ships and finally spilt over into the private sector. Nobody gave it a second thought.

But back when my Admiral had had his fatal run-in with the Vagaari, the range of ship to ship communication had been shorter. And evidence abounded that nobody could have followed him or awaited him in secret during the operation. But, and that was where my heart took a leap, that was all according to the former range of transmissions.

Somebody who had been working with the Vagaari lets say, for whatever reason, could have had access to such technology. Even if the Vagaari had been clever enough to hand out only the receiving end. And suddenly my idea of somebody transmitting directly from the battle was not impossible any longer. I set the computer to map out the new perimeters and hoped it would yield something useful.

Because I had to think about my next exhibition as well, I sat down and took some notes of things that would be interesting or at least doable in my tense state. I returned to the idea of reflections and found it attractive if lacking.

Into this Thrawn's next letter arrived, chock-full with secret information. That was the only way I could explain all his reminiscing on past events. Or he had suddenly found a new admiration for Prince Admiral Ken Krennel. I doubted it. But I hoped I got the message. Backstabber.

That left me to find out who Inari had been about to stab. There were only two choices really, either Odann or Dhenn. Neither looked very stabbed, nor did their personal history look as if any kind of stabbing had happened, not even one that had carefully been covered up.

I felt like Sherlock. Luckily I did not have a violin. I would have smashed it against the walls with vigour. That would have vented my frustration nicely. Instead I began to move through some of the more violent kharath. It was only half helpful because I had to be careful not to accidentally smash anything.

So. Dhenn had gradually changed his life after the incident. Odann didn't look even remotely involved. That probably meant that Inari, Nnari back in the day, had not gotten around to stab anybody. Which led me to the conclusion that stabbing would have changed the outcome. Either to fell the whole House or to uncover the whole thing. That was the two opposite poles there were.

I was gently banging my head onto the low table trying to sort through the tangled spaghetti of history. If Inari had wanted the fall of House Mitth as the other two, they would have given her all time in the Ascendancy to do her deed. But if she wanted to save the House, why even allow her in? It didn't make sense.

Unless. My head snapped up.

Unless one of the parties was not actually planning the fall of the Eights Ruling House. No. No. That made no sense at all. After all that was what had gotten the three of them together. Wasn't it? Well, wasn't it? What if it wasn't?

House politics were a mess. Everybody was shoving and pushing all the time for a better place on the ladder. And it was generally accepted that a House not seeing an attack coming was only getting just desserts with their demotion. All very well. So let's demote Mitth.

It was immediately clear what House Prard got out of that deal. Not the last in line any longer. Hooray. Sabosen might win a step as well, but only if they managed to implicate Nuruodo in the whole thing. Fine.

But what about Odann?

I dropped my head to the table top again where I stared at my reflection without really seeing anything. That was it! Reflections! Being literal. Blinding the watcher so they couldn't actually see. I could relate the content in words. That was not writing per se, was it? It might be breaking a few rules but I was a stupid alien.

I grinned as I jumped up to make notes for my next exhibition. And while I was distracted already, I called up the newly calculated perimeters of transmission for the fatal battle. They reached Brask Oto Station. My hands began to shake and the sound of things falling into place clicked through my mind like spiders in tap-dancing shoes.

Odann had been there. It was way out of reach back in the day. A safe place to reside while the reckless Admiral shovelled his own grave. All on his own. No help necessary. And why would a Nuruodo want to demote House Mitth? Their oldest and closest alley? Well they would not. They had nothing to gain form a demotion at all.

They only gained from a complete abolition. Raise the stakes. Even into the unacceptable because you are an invisible third party. Play both sides against each other. And if the plan fails, vanish. You were never even there. It was a perfect crime. And Inari had not gotten to back-stab Dhenn because the whole thing would have unravelled. Unravelled and revealed the hidden third party.

The one thing Odann could not allow to happen. And though she hadn't gotten her goal, which would probably have been doubly sweet if she had been able to blame it all on House Prard with Inari having her back, my head was spinning again. But on the other hand I was seeing horribly clear. Everything was easy once you knew how it worked. And this would have worked, worked like a charm.

Except that Thrawn was Thrawn and would not go down like that. Or, would go down exactly like that in this case. Because if there was one thing more important than he was it was the safety of the Ascendancy. And he would not entrust that into the hands of the likes of Odann. It was probably a very good thing that he hadn't seen her rise to be the Meritocra nevertheless. Though I was sure he knew.

Another feeling rose, slower than the first realisation but no less acid. He had known. He had his channels back home for information through Nirauan. And that was where he sent me. To overthrow the ruler of the Ascendancy with no other weapon but my daughter. Our daughter. I'd make him earn the title of her father if he ever set foot onto this planet again. I would make him earn so many things. It was high time.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	113. Chapter 110

My head kept trying to turn in all directions. Even Sarah noticed that something was not right with me.

“Are you ill, mama?” There was worry in her voice and something else.

“No, luv. I am just thinking a lot.”

She looked disappointed. “Only we learnt how to take pulse now and temperature.”

“In that case you better take my temperature and pulse,” I said. “Maybe I am sick after all?”

That lit up her mood at least somewhat and she was very professional about it. Even if she did seem slightly disappointed by my complete health that warranted no further treatment. Maybe I should just have been happy she didn't accost me with higher maths instead. There would come a day I was in deep shit. Maths was not my strong suit.

But that would have to wait. With my epiphanies in mind, the letter from my absentee Admiralship read quite differently. I was still more than ready to strangle him for throwing me into this very high class mess, but for that I would have to get him back first. So. First things first.

“I need my name.”

Neither Thkela nor Thorra looked surprised. Instead they agreed silently. “How do you expect us to help?”

“I need all the support I can get for the screening of the Redoubt.” I was sure they exchanged glances. Not what they had expected. Good. “It is priority that the Outbound Flight is found. It will open all possibilities I need.”

“Admiral Ar'anasi is doing an intensive search of it already,” Thorra said. “It is more a matter of inner security.”

“The territory itself is uncharted,” Thkela replied. “A case can be made for further involvement.”

“House Chaf will be backing us.” Those words created a pool of silence. I held up against their questioning gestures with a blank canvas of my own. My secrets would be mine. I shelved a smug smile for later indulgence.

“How does finding the relict justify a name for you?” Thkela wanted to know if I had thought this through.

“Its existence will give the Ascendancy the opportunity to open diplomatic relationships with Space Beyond at leisure. Returning the remains will always be a good enough cause. And nobody has to know how long we knew where they lay.” So much for point one.

“On board there will be technology that is unknown to the Ascendancy as yet.” Bless Parck, Stent, and my stubborn Grand Admiral for not leaking droids into this place. “It will excel at easing manual labour and be perfectly fit for use in dangerous places. Thus saving Chiss lives.”

“You are talking about a small technological revolution,” Thorra said softly.

“I am talking about droids,” I replied.

“The missing item in your luggage,” Thkela almost smiled. “A very clever move.”

I smiled back at her. “The plans have been made by a master. Be not surprised at their accuracy even years into implementation.”

I really hoped that this was what Thrawn had planned. Maybe he had just catapulted me here thinking to do nothing more than watch what would happen. I would find out. Oh, I definitely would.

“It is a matter of our ultimate security.” Thkela mused. “All Houses should be invested in the matter.”

“I am covering as many of them as I can.” A visit with Inari was already planned. Attal was on my list right next to Ittor which might prove iffy and Storm which might prove useless. In theory he was on my side already, but it couldn’t hurt to poke him some.

“I should probably take it as a compliment that you take the time to assure yourself of my compliance,” Storm said.

“You certainly have my attention.” I smiled.

“Same same.” His eyes flashed. “So you are starting your triumphal procession.”

“I would not go that far. It is just-” the beginning. Well, that would go down well. And beg the question what it was that was beginning. And of all the people I knew, he knew. He'd been in on it from day one. If I hadn't actually fooled him out of thinking I was up to anything. That wasn't likely and if, had been temporary. I could tell by the way he watched me.

But I was good. My lor'kina was impeccable. In public I was the epitome of assimilation and nobody doubted that I would always, always and forever, slip in my body language when hit with emotional stress. It was a convenient set up.

“It is just the prelude to my name,” I finished the sentence. “I will sleep better, knowing that Sarah is no longer in the line of fire meant for me.”

“That I have no trouble to believe.” His lor'kina told me that he believed a lot more to be going on than I was letting on.

My lor'kina told him that he was right. Another smug grin to store away for later. It felt good to be the one doing things for once. It wouldn't hold up for long. Once I got this train started, all I could do was hold on and hope not to wreck it.

“And I know you're just a lowly army doctor, Storm. I do not expect you to turn around the Houses Csapla and Sabosen.” He didn't have to. Okara was kicking Csapla's shins as hard as she could and Inari had been open to suggestions. She did have a conscience nagging at her somewhere. It was very useful.

Sabosen was trickier. I had no friends there, few acquaintances and friends' friends only worked that well. But if Csapla caved, somewhat, they would be the last House standing against the thorough mapping of the Redoubt. Yal was on the schooling and into the science side of things so anything that involved exploration should be down their alley. And Prard, well, I did not think of Prard as an ally. Not of any of them. So that was the set-up. I allowed myself a small smile. It did look fine.

“Underestimating me will not get you anything,” Storm said into my thoughts. “I might have had a conversation or two with Kres'owi'taklei about my concerns about your campaigning, though.”

That smug bastard. But who could stop him from talking to anybody, even the Meritocra was probably on his speed dial. “I hope he did not call for my untimely demise.”

“He would not be alone with that, but no, he did not.” Storm was not holding back with his warnings. But I had done all I could in that respect for now.

“I will try not to get myself killed on your ground then. Though,” I grinned, “I am certain you would have no trouble disposing of the body without raising suspicion.”

“Are you asking me for advice?” He raised a brow.

“I might.”

“You won't get it, I'm afraid. The danger that you will actually use it is too great.”

I pouted in human and Chiss body language. But he was right. Provided I got my hands on whoever dared to go after Sarah, I would. No regrets.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	114. Chapter 111

_Colonial Station Cam'co, this is where start,_  
to Schesa, Noris, Onfra and then on to Sharb.  
Naporar and Sposia, Jamiron and Rentor we visit  
and then Cioral, Sarvchi before we go to Cormit.  
Wave to Csaus, to Rhigar and also to Copero  
while to the Colonial Station Chaf we go.

Have you ever heard a song so often that you can sing it forwards and backwards even in your sleep? Have you ever hated the guts of said song from the first time you heard it? Who did get the idea that teaching children stuff through songs was a good idea? Sarah had never, never brought something like that home from pre-school.

Maybe because children that age singing was even less pretty? Or maybe because travelling was right down my smurf's alley? But yeah, I could now tell you the most important planets of the Ascendancy in my sleep. I might throttle you while doing so, but that was collateral.

_Klasse Ephemora and Mobus we pass by_  
as to Oyokal, Shihon, Ool and Avidich we fly.  
Look, it's Thearterra, look, it is Kinoss. And one day  
we may go to Celwis, Catlia, Thrago or Bogo Rai.  
Or further yet, Yashuvhu calls and Pesfarvi and Crustai.  
But from the last Redoubt certainly we are  
going to the best of all places, we go home to Csilla.

The last long drawn 'a' echoed through the flat and Sarah had quite some breath in her, oh my. There was a short second of hope that she had had enough but no, _Colonial Station Cam'co, this is where start_ she began again. You could actually pronounce the last word staaaaaaaaat, and that was not even conveying a fraction of its length.

I took a deep breath and tried to cheer myself up. At least Sarah had not gotten the idea to try singing as her art. Not that, right now, it would change a thing. She had been trumpeting the song since getting up and I bet she would still be humming it when I was telling her another bedside story.

“Ear plugs,” Threll suggested the obvious.

“But what if she actually said something I need to hear?”

“That will teach her.” He grinned.

I worried that it would teach me more than her. I was keeping close tabs on her life, trying to find anything suspicious. But there were no more felinxes or helpful strangers Rukh had run full background checks on all teachers. They were clean and if one of them planned anything, they had been bought recently.

I rolled my shoulders trying not to worry too much about it. I did what I could. As did Rukh. No need to get myself twisted up in a knot. What would that help? Nothing at all. I closed my books. When the new year started, I would start looking for a nice little house. On-

_Naporar and Sposia, Jamiron and Rentor we visit_

-yes, maybe on one of them. I rubbed my temples, trying to ignore the soprano thundering through my head. I had my eye on Cormit. For one two major bases of the CEDF were there which meant I could be close to Sarah during service, or that was what my hopes were. Who knew where she would spend her time. Anyway, military, soldiers. Good. The other reason was that it lay on the way to Nirauan.

Yes, I was thinking about things like that now. I had reasons to believe, and believe I would with all I had. And I would move icebergs; icebergs including stubborn Chiss. And I would have a nice little retreat between here and there.

_Copero_ , my smurf blared louder than humanly possible. Probably her Chiss heritage. The 'o' seemed to stretch for a minute before she belted out the next line. I needed to be thinking about Copero as well. Soon after our holiday on Noris I would have my own, if small, fickle and unreliable, emissary there.

What to do, what to do? And how to explain anything to my daughter? I buried my head in my hands. Sarah had skipped a few lines to arrive back at Csilla early and with a vengeance. I was ready to die.

“Mama?”

I had not realised there had been blessed silence for a while. Raising my head I blinked at Sarah. She stood in the door to my study looking unsure whether to enter or not.

“Yes, luv?” I beckoned her in.

“Mama how many time is the Ascendancy in space?”

I juggled the words in my head. “Only once?”

“No, mama.” There was impatience in her voice. “Space is bigger. How many Ascendancies can be in space?”

Oh. Ah. Well, I had no idea? Many? I doubted Sarah would accept that answer. “Many times,” I began anyway. “Do you mean the planets or the people?” Not that I thought it made a big difference but I hoped to gain some time to think.

“Both,” she replied after some contemplation.

“Right.” I nodded and hoped it looked wise. “Let's start with how big the Ascendancy is and how many people live in it, alright luv?” There was no protest and I had fudged myself some more time. I just hoped my brain started to work again soon; Sarah was already humming again.

It took some doing but we were able to work out that size in space was about the same as people living there. Now that was pure magic and likely a lie. But hey. Then we measured up the Ascendancy on its own and coming to the result that it was two units in size. The we measured the rest of Known Space and Space Beyond.

Sarah was not happy about the size of it and even when I cut off all the edges it still came up to 160 units. And that was only mapped Space Beyond. There was still a lot of white space on the maps in general. It did also not help telling her that half of that space belonged to her papa and that the other half belonged to friends of mine.

“We are too small,” she whispered.

“No, we are not. Why would we?” I was about to launch a glowing resume for the Ascendancy.

“In school,” she interrupted my efforts, “in school we learn we are big. We are strong. We can defeat anybody. We can defend us. Because we are big. And strong. But we are not.”

Ouch. But touché. “OK, look at this.” I flattened the image and took a lightpen. “This is space that papa has.” I circled half of known space generously, especially around Nirauan. “And this is where my friends are.” Another big chunk of the galaxy was taken.

The rest was more difficult. “This is Hutt space.” I circled something around Tatooine. “Hutts are big slug aliens. They are gangsters and like to smuggle and sell slaves. They are not good fighters and do not attack others.” Or so I hoped.

“This is Mandalorian space.” Some space around Mandalore was dutifully circled with best wishes. “They are possibly friends. But you have to give them money if you want them to fight.”

“I have money.” Sarah's face lit up. “I have money.”

“That's great, luv. I think they will not attack us then but help us.” Life could be so easy. Jaing would laugh. “And here is the Hapes Consortium.” I liberally marked some space somewhere. I really had no clue and for reasons I probably understood only the maps on my ship were showing illegal updates. “They are friends.”

We looked at the map. “There is not so much space let we have to protect ourselves from, is there?”

She shook her head reluctantly. “But we are still not so big. And school does not mention Space Beyond. Only you do.”

It was an accusation. It hurt. “I know, luv. And I am sorry. But I will make sure that we will be friends with Space Beyond soon. Then we have big friends and will never be too small.”

“When?”

A child her age should not be scared of the alien invasions wiping out her whole environment. But living in the GFFA, it had to show somewhere. “I don't know. But soon. Before you go to the academy certainly.”

It was a bold promise and I felt that she knew that I knew that I didn't know if I could keep it. But I was optimistic. I had a lot of bargaining chips and was about to deal some unpleasant realisations to my opponents.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	115. Chapter 112

_Dear Thrawn,_

_Time flies. I have no idea why it is in such a hurry. Except for obvious reasons but a few days won't make a difference there. Still I am looking forward to the day._

_The So'weëran'ok has arrived two weeks ago. Thinak has taken to teaching Sarah daily with the flute and so far it is going well. Still I worry. Sarah is still following well in her class but she is studying so much. I help her as well as I can._

_I had to assure her that you will help us in case the Ascendancy is attacked. Please don't make me a liar._

_Of course I remember our charming Prince Admiral. I had great fun handling him. The memory is more than alive. Please tell me what he is doing now? Did Byss agree with his ego? He's too cute when he's angry but easy to get back into line. Though I would not diagnose a bad conscience with him._

I paused to chew on my pen. There was so much I wanted to say and so few words. I had lawyers now, yep, two of them. Sabosen'iri'skolit and Sabosen'aru'skolit. Niris was handling my property questions because I was an alien without status as yet and that brought a lot of problems along when trying to purchase property. Narus was her twin brother. He was specialised in subjects like slander and conspiracy.

That was, of course, pure incident. I did not need a lawyer for that. Much. I hinted that sometimes I was getting quite tired of people talking about me and Storm. But we didn't do anything there. Yet. And I had the feeling that I needed a lawyer specialised in personal law quite urgently once my plans started to work.

I stared at the paper. Somebody else would read this. I sighed. I had tried to ignore the little note and made up all excuses there were. But still this was what my heart decided to believe. The little traitor. I wanted to tell him about all the small victories. Odann had been on Brask Oto station herself during the fatal battle. I had proof upon proof for that because the station was to undergo severe upgrading. Enemies popping out of nowhere would trigger that.

The white spots on the map of the Redoubt were shrinking steadily. Chaf'orm'bintrano was keeping his nose suspiciously out of those proceedings. Recurring skirmishes on the borders with no way to retaliate or prevent the attacks generated calls for improved military politics. War stations were currently being discussed. But they were huge, unwieldy and cost a lot for the little good they could achieve.

I imagined building a literal wall around the Ascendancy. It would keep Csapla neatly occupied. The picture of thousands of Chiss brick-layers in vac-suits was amusing. More amusing than listening to Rukh reporting that unknown Chiss were sneaking around Sarah's school. Twice he had to disinfect some of her belongings.

I was careful at night now, talking cheerfully to strangers and doing my best impression of a carefree and harmless person. It was not easy to combine this with actually blocking a stranger's hands effectively while still looking harm- and clueless. I was on edge.

The pen splintered in my mouth and the ink tasted bitter. Only after a moment did it occur to me that I should be spitting it out and probably make sure my mouth did not look like a literal black hole. I blinked at the woman in the mirror. She was looking ridiculous. And tired. Did Sarah look tired as well? I didn't know.

_I have attached a current picture of her for you to judge. And a drawing she made of a swamp. Beware the teeth. It breaks my heart that she cannot go outside for real more. And at the same time everything feels too dangerous right now._

Come on, stupid Admiralship. Where was your cavalry? Barrage in and save the day already

_Ich wünschte, ich wäre in dieser verfickten Scheiße nicht alleine. Aber du wusstest ja worauf du mich einlässt. Wenn ich dich in die Finger bekomme, wirst du es bereuen. Mehrfach. Ich mach dich so fertig, dass du nicht mal mehr Sackhüpfen kannst._

I had taught Rukh German. And Rukh was a direct leak to my Admiralship. Not enough words to express myself again. What else was new? I chewed on the next pen and when the comm beeped, I almost bit it in half. Sheesh.

“Well, hello there.” I grinned broadly at Storm who had no reason to actually call me.

He glanced at my mouth that despite my best efforts was still shaded in several greys. “I thought I would get in early and find out what you have planned to the farewell party of the So'weëran'ok.”

“I have nothing to display,” I replied. “So nothing.”

He gave me a hard stare. Well.

“OK, my friend, tell me what I have planned. I can't seem to recall right now.”

“Much better.” He was doing his best not to be distracted by my colourful exterior. “Though not quite it. You cannot actually plan to fall ill, can you?”

I probably raised a brow. “Publicly?”

“Indeed. Possibly contagious. No leaving the house for, oh, let's say two weeks.” He was dead serious.

I opened my mouth.

“Do not,” he spoke up before I could say anything, “ask.”

I nodded numbly. “Right. Won't. I mean, will. Oh, you know.”

“I know.” He almost smiled.

That made one of us at least. I hurried finishing the letter to Thrawn because I felt that otherwise I might end up using more German than was good for either of us. Something was going to happen. Soon. And I had no idea what it was. I wondered if the So'weëran'ok of House Csapla was around after our secondary branch had left.

“They would not be that obvious,” Rukh scolded. Of course he was right. He was also putting me through more rigorous training than ever before. He would be following Sarah like her shadow during those weeks, that much was clear. And with me grounded I had a much better chance to keep myself safe if I trained like there was no tomorrow. If I didn't there might just not.

“I just wished I knew who the danger is geared at,” I sighed. “All this worry makes me crazy.”

“And that changes things how?”

That didn't warrant a reply. This was certainly a different kind of crazy, a bad kind. The worst kind because I could not tell Sarah anything about it. She could do even less than I could and had worries enough of her own.

“I am best of my class!”

Now that was a new one. Not that I didn't like the sound of it. And a lot more than that of the planet song. I just didn't get it. “Best where?” I caught my running smurf, swinging her around to kill the momentum and putting her down again.

“Sport.” She puffed her chest. “I can do everything.”

“That's great. What sport are you doing now?”

“Defence.” She jumped into a perfect standard position but ruined the effect by batting at me flailingly with both flat hands. “I am best. I will save everybody!”

And she was off, fighting invisible enemies left and right. Oh dear. The Chiss system started early on gearing up for military service. But why was that surprising me? They geared up for everything early.

Time to have a word with Rukh and then a very stern talk with my smurf. I did not want any of her teachers to know how good she actually was in self-defence. That meant she could never execute a move they had not been shown at school. I prayed there would be no training fights. I was doomed.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	116. Chapter 113

The farewell party for the So'weëran'ok came closer and closer. My anxiety rose accordingly. I had no idea how to credibly feign falling sick in public. Plus Rukh was reporting more and more suspicious activity in Sarah's surroundings. I wondered why staying at home for two weeks would help, but if I trusted anybody here, well, Storm came close.

“Are you OK, mama?” Sarah looked up with a crease on her forehead. She was stunning in her patterned robes and I had allowed her to get her hair done 'proper' as she called it. A complex weave of braids was piled upon her head. I was rather sure she did not have enough hair for that on her own. Oh well, later.

“It's nothing.” I forced a smile. “I'll be fine.”

The reception was in full swing. People were pouring in and out of all doors, it was a miracle that Rukh was calm. He was. And a lot calmer than me, too. Of course I calmed down a little once Sarah was safely in bed. That still left me with the sickness thing, but it was a huge worry less.

“You do look tense, Lanna.” Even Thubal had noticed. In a way it was good that people noted that something was off with me. It would make everything more credible. I let my gaze sweep over the gardens that were lit with lampions which would never sway in a breeze.

I sighed and absently slapped a mosquito away. Wherever that had come from. I froze with the hand still frozen around my neck. “Oh shit.”

“Mellanna?”

“Gotta go.” I ignored Thubal's worried face, turned towards the anero and tried to take off at a quick stride. The hand glued to my throat did garner glances and I had to work hard at keeping my woman on a mission lor'kina working. People were wanting to stop me every other step. But there was no time.

I cursed under my breath. But it had been agreed upon that Rukh would stay with Sarah. I found that I had stopped in the middle of the upper social hall. Picking up speed again was difficult. I felt my feet grow clumsy and the door to my flat seemed to move away with each step I took. Storm swam through the crowd, wavering with each step.

No. I mouthed it insistently, shaking my head and in the process the whole world. A beeper. I needed a beeper. Tough. What would happen if Rukh left Sarah now? I did not dare to think. Instead I stumbled against my door, rammed it in with likely my head and tumbled through the study right into the fresher.

Finally on my knees, I hugged the next thing I found with my free arm and began to vomit into it. Looked like the right appliance, too, from where I crouched. At least I wouldn’t have to pretend any longer. It turned out that laughing and throwing up at the same time didn't work. My temperature seemed to drop into negative degrees. I could not stop retching.

Something cold hit my neck on the other side. A white astronaut was prying my hand away from where I had caught the 'mosquito', scrutinising the skin and hand, before spraying both liberally. Rukh to the rescue. Why did we even have a contamination protocol? And since when? I added my second arm to the desperate hug of the fresher and prayed the heaving would stop.

Of course it didn't. I wondered briefly if I was going to die, but such thoughts had little room in the shaking, shivering mess of my mind. If I had been poisoned, it would be very telling that my last thoughts were not with my daughter but with the lack of anything to throw up remaining in my stomach.

Eventually it abated. I tried to sit up, failed and just raised my head. Rukh was standing in the door, talking to a Chiss who had a small bag with him so I assumed it was my medic. I didn't even have a doctor. Sarah had a doctor. I was fine. I had always been fine. My stomach reminded me rudely that this was now a thing of the past.

He had gloves right up to his shoulders and I tried not to retch all over them as they removed my tunic. He rammed a needle into my arm and it didn't even hurt. Rukh held on to the arm like a clamp. The rest of me writhed on.

After a respectable amount of my blood had left me, I was left to hugging the fresher again. Not that it did much but give me something to hold on to. My stomach was empty. Still it pursued the approach that there was no harm done trying. Ha. Ha.

I tried to pay attention to what else went on. Obviously there were quick tests because now they pored over little sticks with red ends and compared them with whatever they had on their displays.

“A radicalised version of a Chiss stomach virus,” Rukh was showering me liberally with a smelly liquid. “Contagious.”

I tried to tell him to keep Sarah away but I had only beady eyes to do so and felt it was rather ineffective.

“I have enough of the virus in your blood to create an immunisations with dead specimen for your daughter.” His voice reached my head through a fog of cotton.

Finally I got the meaning and nodded. There was something I wanted to say. Another needled went into my arm but briefly. “Painkillers,” came the explanation. “If you could drink that would be great. But I fear we will have to initiate intravenous access to keep you hydrated.”

Am I your mummy? Probably. It did sound like a plan. My eyes rolled back into my head and it took some doing to drag them out again. Then I opened my mouth just to have something sprayed into it as well.

“We will keep the contamination as low as we can. I will be back later today with other necessities.” He indicated a formal departure and was gone. I was left staring at Rukh who was keeping my daughter at bay. When I managed to catch her eye, I shook my head. No. Then I returned my attention back to the fresher. I needed a bucket, or a bowl and soon. The engineered virus was succeeding at tackling the other outlet.

At least the pain was receding. I could get the shaking slightly under control but was still freezing like nobody's business. And there was no way in hell I would be able to climb Mount Everbed in my state. As it turned out, I didn't have to. Rukh moved some of the bedding into the fresher. I wondered if he planned to burn it all later. He better.

“I will take care of Sarah,” he growled. “You hang in there.”

I could think of nothing else to do in my state anyway. Even hanging sounded like a challenge. Lying down was difficult enough. My body was its very own earthquake and staying in one place, preferably under the blanket, seemed impossible. It took forever to find something resembling sleep.

Sleeping was not what it used to be, either. I felt like I woke up every ten minutes to retch violently. Green stuff started to come up and that was a really bad sign. Rukh sighed and patted my head with a gloved hand. At least his physiology was so far removed from Chiss and human that he was not affected.

The same would not be true for Sarah. “I will be fine.” A voice croaking like that was probably lying. But sometimes you had to lie. Lie until it became true.

“I help Rukh,” Sarah called back. “I stay.”

I did not want to know what that decision had cost her. School was her number one priority. I shook my head. “You go.” Speaking was so hard. My throat felt like it had been raked open and the air was flowing over it like the currents of lava on Mustafar.

Rukh was emphasising my point with more eloquence and finally Sarah caved. She waved and promised to be back very soon and help. Bless her soul. I returned to tossing and turning. I also threw up the warm water I attempted to drink with ugly regularity. But what was I expecting? My stomach lining had come loose. I would not have much luck putting anything down there.

Some time later the medic reappeared. Rukh apologised for fixing my right arm against my body but the damage I could otherwise do with the needle stuck into it was not desired. I did not watch as another garden hose was put into my arm. Bags with liquids were attached. I hoped they had more painkillers. Mine seemed to wear off.

“Are you lucid now?” The medic asked.

I nodded, pointing at my throat.

He took a look and nodded as well. “I will make any question I have to ask into simple yes or no ones. But first I will summarise your state.”

I coughed up a word that might have resembled 'credentials' by accident. Rukh translated.

“I have served in the CEDF under Kres'ten'tarthi even. Baron Fel and Commander Parck send their regards.” He made a short pause before picking up his previous line again. “The virus you are suffering is a variety of a common Chiss stomach infection. It is usually harmless if inconvenient. This variety might have developed naturally, but it is unlikely for several reasons.”

His lor'kina spoke volumes and I was sure I only caught half of it. Engineered. Radicalised. I closed my eyes shortly.

“The lining of your stomach should be back within the next 24 hours. The IV will keep you hydrated. If necessary Rukh clan Baikh'vair can also add more painkillers. The virus will remain active for another seven days though only contagious for the next day. It usually spreads during the incubation period when the patients show now symptoms yet.

“I have already isolated the virus and keep a streak for the specimen I need for the vaccination of Sarah. This should be ready within a few days. She will be given her shot as soon as medically ethical. I would like permission to grow healthy blood from the sample you have given. Just in case.”

I stared again. Just in case. Regards from my past. Blood on demand. You will need it. My stomach tried to turn but it was so twisted already that nothing much happened. I nodded. If I want blood, I got it. I only wanted to sleep.

“Good.” He made a note on his pad. “If anything happens, I am in contact with your bodyguard.”

He left and I wondered what Rukh had done to earn his respect to quickly. But then, what had Rukh not done? Bless him. Bless him with all there was. He really deserved the biggest reward ever. And songs sung about his deed and possibly statues erected in his likeness. I dropped back onto my pallet.

“Do not cry,” the beloved voice growled at my ear. “This is not the end.”

He was right. It was not. But the end was drawing nigh. And right now, I couldn't tell whose it would be.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	117. Chapter 114

I did not know what to do with myself. I had been feeling horrible, generally sleep-deprived and like a geyser for two days and the drip was getting on my nerves. Still it was hit and miss, if I could keep water down. The idea that warm water was too exciting for my stomach annoyed me no end.

Sarah had shouted through the opened doors at me, detailing her days and feeling bad for not being able to help. But she did understand what contagious meant and no, she did not want to have the same sickness. It did not look like fun and she'd miss so much in school!

School was still great. And she was still the best in sports. And they were starting to multiply and divide in maths. That was so useful. Did I know we could have used that to find out how many Ascendancies fit into space? We would have to do that again. And they were doing a performance for Unity Day, everybody was to chose their art for that. Could she play the flute? She could play the flute good. Thinak had taught her extra special good when she had been there. But Threbo was saying he wrote music. Maybe he could write her something. Would that be okay? Could she call him now? Was I better?

I wondered how had I managed to follow and participate in that sheer amount of chatter each day. But I assured her I was much better and it would not be long now until I could move out of the fresher. Rukh and I had decided to burn everything I had touched. Did I have to mention that I was more than grateful that he had not brought me my fluffy blanket?

Since it could be thoroughly disinfected, I was allowed my pad as soon as I could sit up without puking or shaking violently. I did not make any calls, though. Writing messages had to do because showing my face in its current state might qualify as optical assault.

“It does indeed,” Storm said, not deterred by my warning the least. “You look horrible. Also the tiles in your fresher are very much out of fashion.”

I resisted the urge to blow him a raspberry. “I will suggest burning them as well and have new ones.”

“Mellanna, Mellanna,” he sighed exaggeratedly. “Did I not say 'feign'?”

“I am too bad an actor,” I defended myself. “I would not have been credible.”

He didn't reply for a moment, then burst into laughter. “I pity your enemies.”

“I have none,” I told him. “I am not important enough to have any. Who'd bother being my enemy with all the nothing I can accomplish?”

He became serious again “You are of course right. And nothing you are doing could conceivably antagonise anybody. It is clear that your aims are aims of the Ascendancy as well. You want the best for our people.”

“If you keep piling it on like that, I will start to believe it,” I warned him. “And where would that leave us?”

“Where indeed? I will give it some thought. And write you a letter. Your face is nothing to look at for extended periods of time.”

I couldn't disagree. I mean, I was of that opinion even if I was well. So I decided to read some more. Now I had all the time in the world to browse through the archives Inari had sent me to. I wrote up a short argument on how the Vagaari technology had invalidated the distance argument back in the day. Though I would likely have to rewrite it once my head was back on par.

Then I wondered how to get at the code in Thrawn's safety copies' wrapping. It was genetically code to him and Okara, neither of whom was currently available. And I was against pricking Sarah just in case her DNA was close enough.

Though I could have had that done professionally as my medic actually had a name which was Mitth'rai'rilok and he popped in every two days to see if I was still alive, able to hold my water and of course to give Sarah her vaccination. Since it would take several days to take some kind of effect, she was still banned from my presence for the time being. I could not wait until day seven when my infective time was over.

“No.” Thrair denied me my way into freedom. “You will have to wait for another day.”

As proof he showed me a slip of paper with a drop of my blood on one end. It looked very much like a pH test strip. It was a mystery to me how a strip of paper could decide whether or not I was still contagious. But what could I do.

“Alright. Tomorrow then. Anything I need to observe?”

“Be careful with the food, no strong flavours, no spiced water, nothing too hot or too cold.” He was checking off an invisible list and turning my food into the most boring selection I could imagine. “You should not go outside for a while either, not even the balcony if possible.”

“Agreed.” We exchanged a glance that had nothing to do with my current health and all with invisible snipers with blowguns.

Sarah was not happy about the development either. But she kept to the rules and shouted her day at me. I took it as a good sign that I could actually follow her train of thought and make some hopefully useful comments. It was a weird long-distance relationship and one I could definitely do without.

A thought I regretted immediately when the ban was lifted and my smurf took that as licence to use me as a trampoline again. I told her not to and she listened. Probably because she remembered me honking up my intestines not long ago. It would pass.

I moved from the fresher to the sofa in the shared parlour. It was a lot more acceptable to call from there. And it showed people that I was actually still sick. I wasn't going to leave the house any time soon either. Though the water didn't fountain out the way it got in any more, it was mostly passing through.

"I cannot get sick like you," Sarah declared, proudly showing off the bump on her rear. She had gotten her shot days ago but there was still an unmistakable bump. "Is it over when it is gone?"

I watched her rub the spot with interest. "No, luv. It will work forever. You cannot get this illness ever again." At least I hoped that was how it worked. Somewhere in the back of my mind multiple shots against one illness hovered. I couldn't remember how that had worked. But hey, this was different medicine. It might just work completely different.

"One shot is sufficient," Rukh confirmed my hope. "Thrair is working on a selection of other immunisations taking the previous angles into account."

"Good."

"It is hard on you," he continued softly, "but it had a real chance of being deadly for her."

The way I was not keeping any hydration inside my body, I was not that surprised. Sarah was still a child, needed it so much more and was so much easier to affect. "Do we know who is responsible?"

"No."

"Good." I would probably get real problems explaining away a sudden killing spree. It was unthinkable that anybody should try to kill my daughter. Okay, this was the GFFA and people were trying to kill other people all the time. But this was _my_ daughter we were talking about. And nobody laid a hand on my daughter.

On the other hand this _was_ the GFFA and people tired to kill other people all the time. And if anybody dared ogle my daughter for that game, I could just go off and kill them. Everything had its up-side. And the upside of this was that I actually felt capable to kill somebody. Myself. Of my own free will with not so many misgivings. My daughter. How dare you?

And dare indeed. I was confined to my quarters and Rukh was following Sarah full-time. Removing suspicious items, animals of unknown origin, and once even a spring-loaded projectile. Thrair was not telling me what had been in there. I could guess from that alone and sat fuming in silence. Then I started to actually plan how to best kill and dispose of people. It was something to do.

The disposing was a real bother, though. Digging a hole would not work because the ground was frozen or otherwise occupied. Also, irrigation systems. I'd flood the whole area. Burning would not really work because burning flesh stank like hell. And Rukh had burnt my sheets and stuff in the fresher which was still smelling funny and that had only been burnable materials. And a lot of accelerants.

I didn't think there'd be enough accelerants to burn people in my fresher, not to mention the stink. So I was back to nothing. It was probably better that way. I would be too tempted to dispose of people if I found it possible. I was definitely not a good person. But hey, my daughter, my rules.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	118. Chapter 115

"You're not going to like it, but it's not going to surprise you." Storm was leaning against the kal'yenok'tar looking out over the garden.

I followed his gaze, waiting patiently for him to continue. He was one of the first visitors I had. In truth I would be able to handle a lot more, but my delicate state had to be milked for all it was worth. Rukh was still not telling me what he did all day and thus saving the population of Csaplar from sudden decimation.

"This year's guest list does not include you."

I felt his eyes on me and smiled. "Not surprised at all."

It was probably a small blessing. There would be too many people around to cover all bases and I would worry because there was only me to cover them because I would be dead rather than have somebody creep up on Sarah. I wondered if my opponents thought about that as well. But as a political decision it was the only sensible one. I was a nice oddity but not actually important enough to be invited each year.

"But I will not mope. I will find other ways to keep myself entertained. Not to mention I will be well-rested when the holiday starts." Now that would be a very pleasant change to the year before.

"Then I will officially sleep through the journey."

"I am not sure I like your attitude on sharing the workload."

"I have the house, you have the child," he said. "I am not sure what you are aiming at."

An irrefutable truth. And no matter how much he doted on my smurf, she was not his responsibility. Yet. "She still wants to be a medic," I baited instead. "Especially since I fell so ill."

"I am not really in the practical medicine department," he shrugged that off. "But I will certainly keep her interest where it belongs."

That smug bastard. But the way things currently stood, I would be glad if he took interest in Sarah in case I died. "Thank you."

"You will be fine." It was almost an order. "And the guest list is likely lacking overall from your point of view."

Ah, yes. Formbi would not be there. He had apparently outlived his welcome on Csilla this summer. Either that or he was indeed too good at his job and needed elsewhere. Not that it mattered much. I had played my cards there and was waiting for him to make a move, even if that was mixed metaphors. I didn't worry about him much. There was time until somebody stumbled across the remains of the Outbound Flight. If that didn't spur him into action, nothing would.

I wondered how I would proceed if he failed to cooperate. My choice of important Chaf members was deplorably short. And none of them would be as capable at keeping the Ruling House in check as Formbi. Even with the whole Ascendancy to chose from instead of a few choice characters, he was still among the sneakiest and most slippery smooth-talkers.

Since there was no chance in all hells ever devised that I would even approach that level of diplomatic acumen, I worked on my reputation to be a blunt speaker. Direct, to the point, no subtleties or so few and obvious ones that they didn't really count.

Something Sarah was not copying for which I was grateful. When I watched her around Thkela and the family, she was mirroring the best lor'kina one could expect from somebody her age. She was doing well with the overabundance of pronouns. She was for all intents and purposes growing up perfectly Chiss.

“You are biased, of course,” Thkela said. But she didn't contradict too much, so I assumed Sarah's Chiss-ness levels were appropriate.

Still, she was an extraordinary child, growing up under extraordinary circumstances. And if her lor'kina was shaky, I wouldn't mind because she never showed what Rukh taught her at school. They had started working their way through the arts and she was as good at dancing as she was at defence.

I feared I had raised a little fight-machine. At least her classmates were naturally fit or something. In a normal class back home her abilities would have raise a million brows. I remembered my own sports lessons and was glad that Sarah actually liked hers. I had been a useless lump of clumsy and not very interested in anything that involved balls.

Come to think of it, school at home hadn't covered any self-defence. Something to be grateful for in the end. Yay. I watched my bodyguard teach my daughter and encouraging her to play anything that exercised body control, hand-eye-coordination, endurance or creative problem solving. If he kept that up, she'd be a one-woman-army when she grew up.

My head wandered off putting her in her own set of Mandalorian armour. It would not be all impossible to recreate her house pattern on it, too. Something to keep in mind. If this worked out as usual GFFA stories, she'd be off blasting her name into the galaxy sooner or later anyway.

“She has many eyes on her,” Thkela continued. “If she decides on a path, she will find support.”

That was good to hear. Some House or other would find a way to utilise her. That was not quite as nice to think but the bottom line. It was the bottom line of most Chiss interaction. Or they were all just so used to expressing their affection by making use of you that they whole frame of reference worked differently.

I would never be able to wrap my head around that way of looking at relationships though. The equation of 'the more I like you the more use you are to me' was not something that computed. But it was a nice argument to pull up sometimes and apply to Thrawn. Especially when I felt especially useful.

“I think we have it,” Okara said. “The scans are blurry but there is definitely something not natural on Kleon 67. Too much metal and the part aboveground looks definitely shaped. A board has been formed to observe and decide on further steps.”

If I looked only half as self-satisfied as she did, I was doing a real good job at keeping it to myself. “That is good news. I hope for the safety of our people that the progress is speedy and no threat is detected.”

“You look too smug to be believable,” she admonished. “What kind of surprise should I prepare for?”

“Nothing dangerous will be found,” I assured her. “Any surprises should be of the pleasant sort and I would not want to spoil them.”

Oh dear. I was such a liar. Or possibly liar. Or maybe only from a certain point of view. Finding humans in the Chiss Redoubt would scarcely count as pleasant to anybody except probably Formbi. That old meddler.

“In that case I shall prepare for the worst,” Okara said. She did not trust me. Would you look at that. Chiss not trusting me. Chiss of her calibre cautious about what I was telling them. Oh yes, I would have their whole eel-ridden society at its balls.

I raised my hands politely. “It always serves well to be prepared for anything.”

“You might want to heed that advice.” The smugness returned to her lor'kina. “It is well-known that you were quite pushy about this issue. People will have questions.”

“People always have questions,” I replied with a grin. “But for once I will make sure to have the right answers.”

“Are there right answers?” She raised a brow.

“I hope so. Otherwise I shall find myself exiled as well. Something I'd rather avoid.” Something I would avoid. I'd give them answers that left them no choice but to give me my own name. I would force them to take Sarah out of the line of fire. And then, then some.

“You are exaggerating.”

“Unfortunately, I am not.” I tried to paint too much worry on my lor'kina. “Elements that wish for my removal are rather active lately. I am afraid any news hinting at cementing my status as member of the society on my own will be received badly.”

“Caution will be necessary,” Okara said thoughtfully. “I will think about this.”

“Caution is exerted on all possible levels,” I assured her. “You may still worry for us.”

Her hands went up in agreement. The more people were watching my back and that of my smurf the better. My heart was sinking at prospect of our separation when she would go to Copero with the Ne'weëran'ok again. I would be worrying my heart out. Better not to think about that yet.

“Will my captain keep me up to date on the developments?” I wanted to know.

“It may soon be impossible to communicate about this in a private setting,” Okara replied. “Though the captain will be well involved. I think there are plans that involve him.”

Damned well there were. “I am looking forward to hearing from him then,” I said. Talking in public was not one of my favourite things but I had done worse here. Much worse and what was the worst that could happen? Half of the population considered me a dripping eel already. They would not be surprised if I made a complete idiot out of myself speaking.

And speak I would. On why and how come I knew or at least suspected and especially on what to do next. Saving the Ascendancy from building their last fortress around a bunch of humans would be worth something. And once you had some humans on your hands, you needed to relocate them. And then, and then.

I sighed and prayed Formbi would get around to calling me. This discovery would hopefully help. Still I would be better off with a backup plan. And since it was meant to make Formbi do something and let him believe it was his idea if possible, it needed to be a damned good plan. I sat down to think this through.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	119. Chapter 116

“The board has decided that an investigation is indispensable,” Threll said. “The found object is definitely a spaceship. Speculation about it being the Outbound Flight abounds. You are quoted back and forth everywhere.”

“Let's hope they don't take forever to realise they can actually talk to me,” I replied. “That could speed up things immensely.”

“So far not everybody is feeling like speeding this up. If sentient life is found, that opens up a whole new problem. Or several hundred of them actually.” He sounded worried. “But no matter what those are, a consensus is forming that mapping out the whole Redoubt before its final fortification was a good idea. And its advocates are in a strong position.”

That was me. Or would be me. Okara and Threll had made sure that my name was all over those mapping plans. For the safety of our people. Even if I stumbled over that pronoun as if somebody had tied my laces together. Our people. Did I have people? I didn't know. Maybe I could count Thrawn and Arn and Dave and Toris, maybe Thkela, Thorra and Thirba, definitely Sarah. Was that enough to speak of 'my people'?

But now I had adopted the Chiss as my people officially. No matter how badly they had treated me. No matter what some of them were still going to throw at me. From sources unknown the anti-alien resentment was coming again strong. But that had been anticipated. A media war was being waged once again and this time I had all the fun of watching it and understanding most of it.

“I have been sent as official of the Chiss Expansionary Defence Fleet,” Thara said. “She was wearing a very strange tunic that had her house pattern over white. Ex Admiral, recalled to duty under extraordinary circumstances. Two aides flanked her, both decked out in black one with traces of yellow on him, the other showing remnants of teal.

“Please receive this invitation to the hearing in three days time.” She handed me a datacard. “We expect your attendance.”

I bowed from the waist, keeping my eyes on her. “I will be there to witness and to serve.”

Their bows were only nods really, but they moved. And I was officially invited to discuss Chiss business. It was a beginning.

“Just make sure you don't bounce like that in the assembly,” Storm said raising a brow. “It will be interpreted the wrong way.”

“I am bouncing now so I won't bounce later,” I explained. “If I bounce enough, my muscles will be sore and even if tempted, I won't.”

“You are a horrible liar.” He smiled. “They will fall for that.”

“I hope so,” I replied with a grin. “I practised lying badly for quite long now. Would be a shame if that time was all wasted.”

“I wonder what else you have done in the past years. Hiding from our society and shaking in your boots was obviously not everything.”

“It is everything that matters for people to know.” I curled my hands into fists. “Image is everything.”

“So it would seem.” He raised his hands slightly. “I will be watching this closely and with interest.”

I was sure he would. And since he would not be the only one, I also made sure my robes were impeccable. Not that I went as far as to get new ones. It was not _that_ important. The one concession I did make, though, was allowing myself to wear my combat boots again. You just walked differently in those.

And I did. I was stomping my way to the House Palace. I was ready to walk all over whatever delegation would be seeing me. It was clear that I wouldn't be talking in front of the senate. They were having quite different problems. Another push from House Chaf had been made to include more of the initiation of trade with foreigners into their responsibility. Naturally House Prard was on the barricades.

I kept a close eye out for Dhenn but his job was very far from anything involved. Whatever had gotten him off politics was still working. I did my best not to look over my shoulders and ignore the creeping feeling that I was being watched. It wasn't actually a feeling. I was being watched. The question was if the benevolent eyes outnumbered the malevolent ones.

As I drew closer to the building, I reduced the stomping in favour of striding. I was not a foot soldier in this, I was going to be a general. And I was going to make a better job of generalling than the Jedi had done. Proof the first, no clones would be dying. This time. Pushing back the Byss mission in my mind, I reached for the doors. Naturally, they opened of their own accord and to the outside.

My step backwards was not all undignified. And if I kept telling that to myself, I would believe it. Until Storm brought it up. I entered the House Palace and found it partitioned into many smaller reception areas than for the Unity Day reception. Since my invitation had thankfully held specific information as to where I was expected, I could make a determined bee-line to the elevators.

The meeting was held on the eighth floor. A good sign as things were as yet firmly under Mitth control. Still I didn't expect it to move lower, maybe higher to neutral territory on the tenth floor. Or even higher according to its perceived importance.

I checked my chrono and slowed my step. German punctuality demanded I arrive at least fifteen minutes early, but this was Chiss territory. Anything over three minutes would be counted an affront. I didn't want to start on a bad note. Things could be getting bad enough as it was. Under human circumstances I would have straightened my shoulders and gotten ready to perform as I approached the door. But this was Csapla, the capital of the Chiss Ascendancy. I had been performing from the moment I opened the door of the anero.

An aide in political grey robes with only a few hints of burgundy on them greeted me and led me into the room. It was surprisingly anticlimactic. The room was small. It looked exactly like a mediocre meeting room at any company. Tables had been put together in the middle with just enough space between them to put up an overhead projector. Not that the Chiss had one. But you know the set-up.

Around the grey tables, chairs with metal frames and black upholstering were placed and on all but one of them Chiss backsides were already parked. I took in the assembly and found no familiar face but Thara's. She was wearing her white-and burgundy robes again, as much an odd-one-out in the room as I was in my stark blue.

The other Chiss wore black. Black with a dash of House colours, burgundy, red and yellow dominating the splatter of bronze, green and teal. House Kres and House Yal had both but one representative present.

I took all that in as I took my seat, sitting down with what I hoped was no noticeable delay. Then I waited for the head of the board to make themselves know. Not unexpectedly the Mitth with least burgundy on his robes spoke up, introducing himself as Mitth'ari'nekel and introducing everybody else.

I watched with polite interest as my mind worked furiously on saving all those names down for later use. Mistakes were unacceptable. I was grateful for my years of experience meeting Chiss and trying to remember their names.

“You have not only campaigned strongly for the complete mapping of the Redoubt,” Tharin finally addressed me, “but you have also hinted at the possibility of finding something from Space Beyond in it in public.”

As if I would deny that. “I did.” I raised my hands slightly.

“Why?”

Oh the reasons I had. “I am in possession of information that implied the existence of the finding in the Redoubt,” I gave him one. “I considered it a matter of safety to make sure the remains are not a threat.”

“How did you get that information,” a Nuruodo spoke up. Internal Security, I was sure.

“It is classified information in Space Beyond, but my position entitled me.” This is where the storytelling started. “The Outbound Flight, which I assume it is you have found, was a project not only of the Old Republic in Space Beyond but also of the Jedi. As a confidant to the successor organisations of both, I had access to old reports and recordings.”

“When you say successor organisations, does that mean there is nobody of the original organisations remaining?” A Chaf checking out the political angle.

I placed my hands on the desk with my fingers spread, indicating a longer explanation with my upper body. “The Outbound Flight was launched in a time of unrest that shortly afterwards erupted into civil war. This war waged for several years through Space Beyond and in its wake most archives of the Jedi were destroyed. At the same time the emerging government was too busy calming down the fighting to look for the vanished project.

“Unfortunately, the new government soon turned into a military dictatorship. Twenty years later it was toppled in turn. Again many of its archives were lost. But not all. A fraction of the military oriented Empire adapted into a political body. So there are now two main governments in Space Beyond.”

“Please,” Tharin interrupted me, “how does that relate to your possession of the information?”

“The Jedi were aligned with the government of the Republic. But the information about the Outbound Flight had through the historic upheavals ended up with the Empire. Only somebody trusted by both sides was able to put the pieces together. Because only somebody with access to the information of both sides would have all pieces and see there was something that has been overlooked.”

“And what information would that be?” Tharin asked.

“The approximate position of the place where the Outbound Flight crashed.”

Silence followed my claim. I could see little wheels whir into motion on about twenty blue heads

“How could they do that? We all have read the reports,” Tharin demanded to know.

“What do you know about the Jedi?” I asked back. There was more silence. “I take that as about nothing,” I continued. “Then I won't bore you with the full extent of their impressive skills but keep to the one impacting this. They can communicate without technology over long distances if the two communicating are either very close or well-trained.

“That means somebody survived the crash,” Tharin was suddenly very serious.

“Not necessarily,” I tried to get him off that track again. Living humans were to be a surprise for landfall, not a day sooner. “As soon as it was clear where the ships came down, they would have sent their message. The Outbound Flight was severely damaged. I do not think that even a Jedi would have had their mind free enough to communicate while bringing the ships down. Did the scans show any signs of life?”

There was yet another pause. It seemed to be perfectly fine to take any information I had while not handing me any.

“There have been no scans of that kind as yet,” the Nuruodo said at last. Now I did not reply.

“What was the danger you saw for the Ascendancy?” she finally went on.

“The Outbound Flight was equipped with state-of-the-art weapons, communications and scanning equipment,” I began. “After such a long time, the weapons may not be superior any longer. But all systems were automated. If they are still functional, even an outdated weapon can cause damage when triggered.”

So far so good. The automation got everybody on track with technology working on its own. Humans were out of the equation for now. And I would keep it that was as long as possible.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	120. Chapter 117

I had barricaded myself into my bookkeeping. I talked to nobody except a select few. Even those I did see stayed longer than my fragile state officially allowed..

“It's better this way,” Okara said, her eyes flashing. “You should not be let among people. Half the military is scrambling around like headless eels. The idea that there is an automated weapons array sitting in the Redoubt has them acting rather rashly.”

“It is probably as well,” I kept a straight face. “Otherwise they might wonder about the abilities of the Jedi and information archiving in Space Beyond.”

I was already compiling an information dump for Thrawn to distribute. Not that it would matter once contact was established, but it would be nice if at least some of my information was corroborated by Imperial and Republic sources. And Lorana had a brother. Maybe somebody could find and frame Jinzler as source for the coordinates.

I wouldn't say I had all bases covered, but at least I had covers for all bases. Starting with the one at the other end of the comm. “I am on stand-by for business whenever they feel my presence is necessary.”

“What do you know about their office ours?” Okara raised a brow.

“Nothing. But with the information coming from space that does only adhere to time by general consensus, I do not think they matter much. I am ready.”

She scrutinised me. “I hope you are right about that.”

I gave her my most reassuring smile. “What is the worst that can happen?”

After a very long and detailed lecture on that, I cut the connection. Yeah, all that and then some. Better not to think about it. I talked to Rukh in low voices while Sarah did her homework. Her small neck was bent over the books in deep concentration. She might not have heard us if we had shouted.

“I think that whoever is behind is, is taking their time to plan something in-depth,” Rukh said. “There have been no recent attempts to get to her in person.”

I had no idea why the attackers wanted it to look like an accident but I was deeply grateful for it. A sniper was all it actually took to remove my daughter from the equation. But maybe being obvious about it meant that I got a free pass at staying because some Chiss had acted like arseholes and I didn't deserve that, daughter or no.

“Anything about you accompanying her to Copero?”

He shook his head. “We will have to trust the family to keep her safe.”

I'd rather not do that. But then I didn't trust myself with keeping Sarah safe. The only person I did trust with that was staring at me from black eyes with a grim set of his jaw. And I couldn't even say I would try to speed things up. There was nothing I could do. Three meetings of the Redoubt Committee later I was still on stand-by.

So far the scans had not shown any signs of life. The only thing that seemed certain was that the wreck was at least partially able to sustain life. This would make exploration and deactivation easier. Unfortunately, there was no complete schematic of the Outbound Flight in my database.

Oh yeah. Half the Ascendancy now had my database. Was I suddenly more than happy that I hadn't kept a diary? I wasn't sure how much of my private information had been distributed but looking at what distribution of information had done to lead up to Thrawn's exile, I was certain some people at least now had crappy copies of my early poetry. Damn them all.

Since nobody mentioned the Jedi ever again, I was sure there was something brewing in that respect as well. I just hoped Thrawn had rigged all the information I had brought. But he was Thrawn. I was sure he had and allowed myself a smile.

“You are the number one annoyance on level ten of the House Palace,” Storm informed me. “There are those who would like to include you as official consultant on Space Beyond. But of course you don't even have a name. It is quite a nuisance.”

“I apologise for being an alien eel,” I grinned. “Maybe this can be amended somehow.”

“So far nobody dared suggest it,” he was not happy about it. “But you have given them things to think about. Dealing with one government would have been outrageous enough, but two? The political tango is unpredictable.”

“Both sides are easy as hell to handle,” I sighed.

“You know that,” Strom agreed. “And they know that you know. It is quite a fix to have a total nobody as best source of information and option for future action.”

The idea that my mere existence and status was causing a number of Chiss great headaches was pleasing. Come to think of it, I could not wait to throw my actual status in Space Beyond at them. Gormless tits. “How is the idea to open relationships coming along overall?”

“Haltingly. House Chaf is cautious even though it is clear they are all for it. The amount of prestige and wealth flowing their direction would be substantial.” He frowned. “Tongues are wagging about the late bid for more power in instigating trade with new partners.”

I was all innocence. Happy, smugly ginning innocence, but yeah, not my doing. “It is an old argument,” I replied. “I think it does come up more or less regularly.”

But the timing was striking. There was a small hope budding in my chest. But small it stayed. Formbi did not contact me. Instead I received regular calls from Threll and Okara, keeping me more up-to-date than I was supposed to be. Some days it was difficult not to let it show, but one slip could bring down my whole pretty house of cards.

And there was no denying that the tide was turning in my favour when my name was on the list of follow-ups for the Unity Day Reception. People were campaigning on both sides and my side was doing well. Though I wasn't even sure which my side was. The one planning to explore and deactivate the ships as soon as possible. The one that wanted to open relationships with Space Beyond using the remains of the Outbound Flight as an opening.

I was disappointed there was nobody convinced that my services to the Ascendancy had already been sufficient to earn my own name. Whatever they were waiting for. But even Storm wouldn't open his mouth until it was certain that the motion would be successful.

I complained to my husband about the unfairness of it all. In return I received many images sealed in transparent foil. Merchandise abounded. And if one of the pictures had accidentally been wrapped twice, well. Nobody was perfect. And DNA was invisible. I decided to take the parcel with me to Noris and inspect it there with a lot fewer inquisitive eyes around.

“How long?” Sarah was gearing up for holiday mode again.

“Three weeks.” This time there was no calendar to tick off the days. Sarah had decided she was way to grown-up for that. Who was I to argue? “We leave the day after Unity Day.”

She chewed on her lip. Something she probably had from me. I had to be more careful around her. It was a horrible habit. “That is not long.” She nodded to herself. “Mama, what is when people are paved new?”

I blinked. When what? Last I knew people didn't get paved. Maybe in some interesting new Mafia ways the could get buried under the pavement? Somehow I didn't think that was what Sarah meant. “Where did you hear that?” I asked to win some time.

“At school.” She hesitated. “Thalek said it. It sounded like it was bad but,” another pause, "he said it was you. And that his parents said you should not meddle because you are paved new.”

Oh. Okay. “It means that I do not have a high status and they don't like me because of it.”

Sarah looked at me. Maybe I should have given more explanation. Redo from Start. “They word is parvenu. It is only one word. If you have a low status and then you get a high a high status but people don't think that is right, they call you a parvenu. Or if they just don't like you and want to insult you. It means they think you are an idiot and do not deserve the status you have.”

“Mama?” There was a lot of thinking going on behind her eyes. I could almost hear the relays clatter. “When did you get high status?”

“I did not, luv.” As hard as it was to admit that. “If I get a status, I will tell you first and we will go and have dinner with uncle Storm. Promise.”

“So you do not have status?”

“No.”

“How can you be too high?” Her forehead crinkled.

“I do not know. Maybe Thalek's parents think I am am not good enough to be a nobody.”

“They are idiots.” It was a final verdict. “You are good, mama. Not paver new.”

“Thank you.” I hugged her tightly. “And neither are you. If anybody says that, they are lying. You are third generation Ne'weëran'ok of House Mitth.”

“That is good.” She pulled away to lecture me on the structure of Ruling Houses. At least she knew her own standing in the order of things. A status she would keep if I had a say in it. Oh, she might marry and go wherever she liked, but that would be her very own decision.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	121. Chapter 118

There were another three attempts on Sarah's life. And again not even Rukh was able to collect any evidence at all. It was deeply frustrating. And wasn't I keeping very still? Unearthing the Outbound Flight was not meant to do anything but give me a name. Maybe that was in itself unwanted and to be prevented.

For a moment I considered sending Rukh after Odann and see what happened. After all this was the GFFA and assassination was a legal tool. If you got away with it. I sighed. Somehow I doubted that it would be as easy as that. If I were her, I would have so many safeguards in place that getting killed only resulted in me and Sarah dead within a fortnight.

“Hang in there.” Storm put his arm around my shoulders. “You have almost done it.”

“Doesn't feel like it.” I allowed myself to slump.

“The last stretch always feels the longest.”

Well, great. This wasn't even the last lap. How long would the days before Thrawn's return seem? Not that I would get to know if somebody killed Sarah now. Or me. But that was getting more and more difficult. Thrair was pumping both of us full with vaccinations and antibodies to things I never even heard of.

I called them our porcupine days and though Sarah didn't know what a porcupine was, it stuck. She was also bribed with sugar-spun-pulp of her liking each time. Whatever she found in those crunchy balls of spun sugar filled with mashed fruit.

As far as I could tell nobody tried to kill me. Maybe it was still all just scare tactics. I really liked this explanation. But I made sure that people I trusted were informed when I left, when I planned to arrive, where I was passing through. I did not investigate interesting occurrences, stayed well among people and wondered how you kept a knife on your person during night when you didn't have clothes on you to hide it in.

And while half the Ascendancy discussed what my belated invitation to the Unity Day Reception meant, I studied the guest list myself, making mental notes. Irani would be there. That would make for rather interesting opportunities of conversation.

“It is a set-up, I assume?” The blunt approach worked like a charm. I could see her lor'kina turn slightly annoyed but indulgent. I was a big baby with no real concept of subtle communication. Also, I needed to be certain. But that was just an aside.

“Who knows.” Her expression belied her body-language. She knew very well what I was capable of. She was playing my game. “But I am looking forward to seeing my bloodsister. She is so busy since her husband became Meritocra. It is about impossible to find time to talk.”

“That must be hard.” I tried not to think about my own sister and how I did or did not miss talking to her and why. “I hope you find enough time to talk to her at the reception.”

“I will make it happen.” Her eyes flashed. “And while I am at it, I might just go ahead and ask Kres'tor'manad some pointed questions.”

“What has he done now to deserve it?” There was no question in my mind that Storm had done something to deserve annoyed questioning of his person.

“He is attending. Again.” She inclined her head and I smiled in return. Mixed signals, my game exactly. “Does he not think people will talk?”

“But people talk all the time.” I curled my fingers in a slight question. “And I see no reason why he should not be invited.” Because no matter what Storm said about being just an army doctor. He was the highest medical army guy or army medicine guy there was. If he decided to throw his weight around, both departments would rock.

“Oh he gets invited every year, no question about that.” She leant towards the camera. “But did he attend?”

I had no answer to that because I had, quite frankly, not bothered to look at that. “Did he?”

“Indeed he did not.” Inari looked rather smug. “Kres'tor'manad may be many things but socialite was not among them. Not until recently.”

I did not have to make an educated guess how many Unity Day receptions in a row he had now attended. Well, well, well. So much for not going out of his way to help me. Maybe not doing that was indeed exclusive for giving me useful information. Not that I needed any right now. In a few days I would know what Thrawn's personal notes about his banishment were.

And since I was invited to the reception after all, I assumed that the senate was considering to utilise me in the complicated mess that the Redoubt had turned out to be. My following absence would give them plenty of time to discuss if and which measures would be necessary to allow me participation without discrediting their whole hierarchy. Not that I personally minded upsetting their whole system. Unfortunately, in the long run that would be counterproductive.

“The next time he is disagreeable, I shall prod him with this information,” I finally replied. “How is your writing going?”

It was an easy way to switch to a different topic. It sure worked on her as well as it ever did on me. Add that she was trying to use earth as a setting and things were really interesting. I was certain I wouldn't recognise my home planet in what she finally did. But that was okay. It was meant to be the inspiration, even if Inari's questions were sometimes very specific.

The fractured organisation, or disorganisation, of earth was not something she easily understood. The Chiss had some time ago decided to assimilate important procedures throughout their Ascendancy. I approved. And Inari had me write out a lot of lists on how things differed not only between continents but also countries and even regions of the same country. It was not very practical and I couldn't disagree with her.

“How can you compare the degrees if the educations system is so complicated?” And that had only been Germany. The idea to have the quality of schools vary shocked her. How could you grant equal footing that way? How to find the best candidates for joining the families? The fact that there was no ruling family or that, if there was, it was completely blood (or money) based didn't stick.

But then society on earth didn't make much sense. Logic had nothing to do with it. Not that the Chiss did better in that respect. But from what I could see the social issues were handled somewhat better. It was surprising when you considered how xenophobia still prospered.

Something I was unlikely to change. I looked down my blue robes. The shadow stitching was changing the hue slightly when I moved. Still wearing the colour of skin, because the only blue I owned was in my eyes. I touched them self-consciously.

“Be careful.” Rukh's growl brought me back to the present. “I will stay with Sarah.”

Of course he would. But those words had a calming effect on me when spoken out loud. He would stay with Sarah. My smurf was the safer one of us two. My daughter would make it through the night even if I shouldn't. Not that I was very worried. There was rarely as much hubbub as on the Unity Day Reception. Any assassin was either a high dignitary too far away to do anything.

I had already eaten and would have to keep the food and drink to a minimum. That was a bloody shame because the catering was impeccable. But poison was the easiest way to kill me, so there was that.

“I will.” I looked down at him. “May the coming two weeks be easier on us.”

He nodded. I was not sure if that meant he agreed with my hope or if he agreed they would. The way to the House Palace was longer than it had ever been. Even with the collar of my robes impracticably high and my hands buried deeply in my pockets. My thumbs kept running over the sheath of my dagger under the cloth.

A holiday was so necessary now. Even more than they year before. If I could not get rid off some of my tension, I'd probably explode soon. Better do that where nobody noticed. Or actually uncoil some. I had very high hopes for the holiday. The reception couldn’t even begin to compete. And with my thoughts thus occupied almost pleasantly for a moment, I walked into the doom of my choice.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	122. Chapter 119

I was late. It was on purpose. The day would be long enough so I had taken some time to sleep. And now I was late and would have less time to spend at the reception. It would probably be constructed as insult by one part while the other would benevolently assume I wanted to give them some time to be among their own. Whatever floated any boats.

Storm was the first to talk to me, bringing me something to drink. I took the glass gratefully and hoped to be able to cling to it for the rest of the evening. “Thank you.”

“Nothing to thank me for as yet,” he replied following my glance around the room.

“You're here. You made sure I had something to hold on to. Sounds like something to me.” I allowed the tiniest of smiles while inclining my head towards him.

“I am sure you can repay me by not causing an éclat this time?” He raised a brow.

“I can promise that. Any activities I have planned are completely befitting my status. What others have planned for me,” I curled my finger in question, “I do not know.”

His lor'kina accused me of lying by omission. But the fact that somebody wanted me gone bad enough to try and remove me forcibly either directly or through removal of my daughter was something I'd gladly omit. From my whole life, preferably. “The evening might hold some unpleasant surprises for you then.”

“Doesn't it always.” I slumped my shoulders shortly.

“I don't think you attended often enough to decide on that.”

“And you did?” I raised a brow. Years upon years of practice were finally paying off.

“Not that it is surprising, considering your own actions.” He ignored me. “I will once again watch with interest if from a distance. Nothing personal.”

Yeah, sure. It never was with the Chiss, was it? I shut my opening mouth quickly. Of course not. Never. Nothing personal ever. Look at my admirable arsehole of an Admiralship. Didn't he have all the reasons always? Nothing personal. Not even me. It just was nothing personal.

Only, of course, it was. The personal was there, always under all those layers and layers of logic. Chiss had emotions, pretty much like Vulcans only with blue skin and red eyes instead of green blood and pointed ears. But very much like my pointy-eared faves, they had discarded emotion as a basis for action.

Or at least did their best to do so or at least appear to have managed. I only had to look at Sarah. Did human children try to make all their demands look logical? Like the inevitable end of applied reason? I didn't know. I hadn't spent much time with children back home. But that was what she was doing. And she didn't have that from me.

I was all for having inexplicable cravings and then getting them satisfied or not, depending on social acceptability, price and expected effect. A lot of Chiss were unscathed because throttling them or hitting their heads against walls was unacceptable on several accounts.

“Are you still on this planet?” Storm wanted to know.

I tried to shake my head clear of sudden realisation. “Yeah, nothing personal.”

If only I could have left there and then to confirm my suspicions. But then, I didn't really have to. My memory for useless paraphernalia was unrivalled. And Odann was screwed. Well and totally screwed. Even logic and arguments couldn't save you from your emotions. Now matter how much you tried not to feel, it always got the better of you one way or the other.

I smiled at Storm. “It never is personal here. It is something that has taken me too long to understand.”

“We should talk about this some other time.” He was determined to do so but not in public. Whatever he was reading on me now. It might just have been the certainty to have the universe by the balls. All I had to do was hold on and pull at the right moment.

“Of course,” I agreed. “I hope there will be some time in the coming weeks.”

“More than enough.” He inclined his head.

I watched him move on and tried to not sink right back into the inside of my head. There were just too many clamouring thoughts. But for now I had to shut them all in. It was not easy, especially since I could not fall back on eating or drinking something to mask how busy it was up there.

Accordingly, people kept talking to me. That was a good thing I had to remind myself. I was talking in public and people did not mind being seen with me. Some were probably doing so just in case I did get something to say in the Redoubt débâcle. Sowit probably talked to me in public because Storm had otherwise kicked his shin as publicly.

“I really would not want to intrude on your time.” I told Inari who had insisted on joining me with Ajadd. “You have so little time with your bloodsister.”

“But you will be gone for two weeks,” Inari objected. “You will be missed.”

“I won't be incommunicado,” I replied. “Just making sure I get a break from the consistent flow of commitments.”

“You do not seem to mind them usually,” Ajadd said. “You are seen on so many events.”

“All the more reason to take a break. The pace is hard to keep up with. And I have my daughter to think of as well.”

There was a short silence. “She is doing well,” Inari finally said. “For all her difficulties.”

“At least the school system is easier here than where I come from,” I tried to change the subject.

“Inari has told me about that,” Ajadd signalled interest. “It sound too nonsensical to be true. How would a system that fractured ever work?”

“Badly.” It was out before I could stop myself.

“That is to be expected. But why did nobody try to change that?”

I wondered how long it would take to explain the federal system of government in Germany to Ajadd. Too long, even if I stayed all night. Not even Germany understood how that worked. At least that was what it had looked like.

Before I could embarrass my home country, myself or Inari and Ajadd, Arond saved the day. And all he had to do for that was appear. I was looking for a neat way to leave, but there wasn't one. And you couldn't just walk out on the Meritocra. And really, I should be seen talking with him. Right? Right.

At least I could see what he wanted in public. “Meritocra Csapla'ron'deren, it is very kind of you to join us.”

He didn't look kind. In his full robes he actually looked intimidating. Whoa. When was the last time that had happened to me? “One keeps hearing of you,” he replied. “Keeping an eye out may be warranted.”

“I can assure you that there is nothing interesting to see,” I replied “You are likely to know more about the business the Council of Houses names me with than I do.”

“You underestimate the impact of your information,” Ajadd said.

“Impact on the project or the society?” I dropped the topic immediately but Arond's lor'kina let me know he would remember that. “I only do my best to support the Ascendency.”

“To what end, though?” Inari wondered.

“The only end worth worrying about,” I made a strategic pause, wondering where I remembered that wording from. “The complete safety of the Ascendancy and accordingly the Redoubt as its last stronghold.”

“Well spoken, if a little overly dramatic.” Arond was watching me closely.

“Meritocra," I lowered my head, “like it or not, my daughter is growing up to be a member of this society. Anything I can do to make her future a safe one, is something I am more than willing to do.”

It was but a flicker, on my lor'kina and on his too. But the danger Sarah was in was communicated and understood. I could even detect a small amount of indignation on Inari. Targeting children was not very high on the Chiss list of acceptable things to do to eliminate an opponent.

“A commitment any mother makes,” Ajadd said. “Though usually the approach is on a smaller scale.”

“Everybody contributes what they can.” This was not going anywhere. I was not certain if it was supposed to or if it had already gone much further than intended. I sipped on my water.

“Some say you already contributed enough.” Ajadd continued.

“People have been saying that since I brought Sarah here,” I agreed. “That doesn't mean they are right or that I will allow them to define my worth.”

“Be careful,” Arond said. “We Chiss have a long history of disliking anybody trying to tell us how and what to think.”

“So I have heard.” And so I had gotten into this stupid mess. And so I had all the trouble in the galaxy getting out of it again. “Change is inevitable, though.”

“You are said to try and bring it about by any means.” Ajadd curled her fingers slightly.

“I cannot,” I replied all honesty. “I am one foreigner. I cannot change the way the Ascendancy thinks. All I can do is offer a different point of view. It is not up to me to decide whether or not it is beneficent to the Chiss or not. I trust that new information will be examined thoroughly, compared with old information and that some day, the Chiss will decided.”

“This would take years,” Inari said.

“It will,” I agreed. “Years in which I will make the Ascendancy as safe a place for my daughter as I can. I am a part of it now, even if I don't look it.” I raised my arms slightly to show my sleeves. Truth be told, I was looking the part perfectly. Not a scrap of alien clothing on me. All adapted and assimilated. Except for my skin and eyes, but there was no helping some things.

And we all knew that the thinking had not just started. Thrawn had tried to give the Ascendancy a change of mind and had made progress before his exile. Options that had seemed unavailable had risen from the grave with my arrival and the thinking had caught up. Decades of mulling over the subject had passed.

The Ascendancy would soon have to make up its mind. And thought it felt it did have all the facts, I would mess up that idea once Sarah was safe. And right up until then, I would keep pretending to everybody that my times of action were years and years in the future. I was a slow learner and slow in the head as well. As it should be.

As the conversation drifted on to other subjects, Arond drifted off followed by Ajadd and then Inari until I was drifting through the hall on my own. Next year this time, I promised myself, I would be here again. Next year this time, I would not be blue. And I would not be the one shaking in my boots.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	123. Chapter 120

I took Storms idea from the year before and just didn't sleep at all that night. Instead I edited the data I wanted to take along and confirmed some suspicions. Nuruodo'lea'nefer, she died a long, long time ago, even before the decisive battle for Thrawn's exile. Not to mention that Nuruodo'rba'nefer seemed to get my husbands ideas and like them enough to not only take a stint at the Empire of the Hand but actually stayed there.

Blood was thicker than merit it seemed. No matter what the Chiss told me or themselves. The fact that Odann's views were perfectly logical and free of personal inclination should have cued me in. Reason was the gaslight for everything here.

My own reasoning brought me to a few cups of strong tea to stay upright. And since my head was going all directions, I sat down to paint some. Just because nobody would actually get to see the paintings, didn't mean they shouldn't be there.

I was also better prepared for the travelling this time. Plus Sarah had her homework with her. She was so serious about not falling behind. Throni had promised that she would get a tutor for some time each day should she want one. I kept nodding off while she read, wrote, and mathed. With Rukh at the door to our compartment, I felt safe.

Rightfully so. He shook his head, when I tilted my head in question at him. Nobody had been trying anything. Not unexpected. It would be immensely difficult to get off the train. The same was true for the elevator to the surface. And then Storm collected us and we were off. I would have slumped, only that I had a smurf perched on my lap, trying to crawl into the viewport.

“Where are the stars?” She wanted to know. “Are that stars? Are we too fast to see them?”

“Those are stars,” I agreed. “If you take stars and put them in a blender and look at them at all times at once, this is what they look like.”

“How?” She didn't bother to turn around.

I had no idea how to explain to her that nobody was really sure. Or that I didn't even know how far science could explain the phenomenon. So I decided to start at the beginning. That meant asking her what she knew about space and how far places in space were apart and how fast light travelled and was there anything that could travel faster than light. And by the time we had all that down, she was off on so many tangents that she didn't even notice I never got around to properly answer her.

I was no less star struck with the house the second time I saw it. It looked unchanged and the smell of wood was overwhelming. Rukh was off to secure the perimeter almost immediately. I ran after a hyper and happy smurf that was telling me everything she remembered. Strom was off shopping again. I wished we could have accompanied him, but though this places might be safe, Noris itself might not.

I was overtired by the time Sarah was finally asleep. Still I managed to stay awake through a small war council with Rukh. The house was very well protected. Unlike last year, several alarms had been added to spot intruders, fire, and other things. Most of them were low key, and would not tip off the intruder. He held up a small device and I knew I had to find some time to thank Strom the next day.

Once again I fell onto my bed with only the barest memory of how I got there. And once again, I awoke to find that I had forgotten to pull the curtains. Blessed sunlight. I chose a short-sleeved shirt and wide trousers, picked up a cup of tea and stood on the terrace basking in the warm embrace. The sunlight trickled down my skin like honey, leaving its unmistakable scent. And probably freckles. I had to smile at that.

Last year's freckles had admitted defeat quickly in the sunless pit that was Csapla. My skin was back to a mostly unbroken plain of pasty white. Yeah, freckles would do me good. I raised my face into the light, just soaking it up for a while. Then I went in search of my daughter.

I was very worried to find her in the study, actually studying. This was supposed to be a holiday after all. When she heard me approach she looked up, almost guilty. That hurt even more. I didn't want her to feel guilty about any passion she had. Except unacceptable ones like killing people and being a douche.

“How is it going?” I crouched down beside the desk.

“I am almost done,” she assured me quickly. “This is maths, and that,” she unearthed another file, “is Cheunh and notes for my essay.”

I wasn't sure a child her age should know words like 'essay' in connection with homework. “You will write about our time here?”

“Yes. It will be the grade instead of the test. I don't like missing the test. But there is always a test and others miss sometimes as well.” She was talking very fast.

I knew she felt bad and anxious about falling behind again, but what could I do. I had the certainty about that but at the same time the certainty that it wasn't a failure or flaw. If only I could get that into her little blue head. But I was only her mother. I knew how the equation looked from the other end. “We must do something worth writing about then,” I said.

She nodded. “What if, what if,” she hesitated, " mama, what if I fail? I don't want to change class again.”

I put down my cup and took her hands. “Sarah, you are half human. And you are growing and learning much faster than any human child. Which isn't the same as growing and learning as fast as a Chiss child.” I tried a smile. “I would say you are just living in the wrong place but if you were in a human school, you would skip classes again and again, still leaving your friends.”

Of course it probably made a huge difference if you skipped because you were the cleverest of them all. Children could be mean. And I could imagine quite well how the bullying would go if she was she youngest and still most brilliant. At least here she would change the groups slowly, one subject at a time. That option would have done me a lot of good.

Sarah looked at me. It was not the news she had wanted. Should I have lied? I didn't know. “You do your best,” I ruffled her hair which led to predictable indignation. “And then we will just see.”

“My best.” She nodded turning back to her school work.

“And let nobody ever tell you that your best is not good enough,” I added. “It is.”

There was no reply and I just hoped that she'd believe me. But she was my daughter, not me and her best was worth everything. And since she was busy, I could actually, well, I had no idea what to do. So I got my pad and researched the surroundings. There was a small village you could reach on foot. There was a town within easy speeder distance. A river nearby showed something that might be rapids worth visiting.

I compiled a list of things to do. I checked Storm's schedule to find the best morning to look at Thrawn's security backup. I let a select few know that we arrived and were possibly safe. Then I went to unpack and wait until Sarah decided school was over. This was most unprecedented.

But it worked somehow. Sleeping later than usual, breakfast and then Sarah was off to talk to her tutor followed by homework. I was occupying the garden talking with Rukh in low voices or reading or growing freckles. They came along nicely. Storm checked on the progress and did not freak out again.

There was less splashing around in the pool and more going to places. Storm had recommended the rapids and they were beautiful. Sarah couldn't stop staring at them. There were farms in the village. I was allowed to take Sarah around the fields and pastures. And no, this was not a zoo. And would she like to visit a fair? I was not all certain about that. Small children at fairs full of adults could be difficult, not to mention boring.

“It will be fine, trust me.” Storm was very much in favour of going. And he knew the fair and had taken children there before. So trust him I would. And so far Rukh had still not found any suspicious activity. That made both of us worried for the return to Csapla. Still there was little they could do about it from Noris.

“If we go late, you can see the fireworks,” Storm promised. That old bastard had us both with that. I utterly loved fireworks and Sarah had never seen any. Csilla was not the best of places to fire rockets into the ceiling.

So we did go late. Storm doing the driving while I sat with Sarah in the back, doing my best to answer all the questions the landscape racing by raised. The sunset was blasting deep orange light against a low mountain range that was still topped with snow. The colours were blinding, slowly drowning me as the velvet sky closed in in shades of deepening purple and blue.

Sarah pressed her nose against the transparisteel. “Why is it so colourful?” She wanted to know. “Why does the snow not burn away? How can the sky be red and blue at the same time?” I was glad she had so many questions that she didn't notice if I skipped one.

We arrived in the deep blue of dusk. The first lights were already shining in Valyerin, and they multiplied as we approached the fair. Snatches of music reached my ear and Sarah perked up visibly.

“That was a flute,” she proclaimed. “We must see the flute!”

“We will, " promised her. My other plans were to stuff her with the Noris' equivalents of cotton candy, roasted almonds, and candied apples. Normalcy was what you made it.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	124. Chapter 121

Normalcy worked like a charm on the fair. Cotton candy was a universal common. Sarah was enjoying it immensely, and could not stop explaining how it melted into nothing really and then it was crunchy and I was I sure I didn't want any more?

I declined again. She tried not to show how relieved she was as she shoved another swath of it into her mouth. The stalls held a mix of trinkets, jewellery, toys and games for all ages. Sarah was content to just look the first time around. After all, we were looking for the flutist. We didn't find them but instead found a stage in the centre of a wider food court.

The scents mixing as we wandered through it to have a look at the schedule was exciting and sickening at the same time. I could not place half of it. To Sarah's utter desolation, the flutist was done for the day. There would be singing, string instruments and a local dance group before the evening was done. The fireworks would be accompanied by a complete orchestra. I glanced at Storm when I read that and caught him being more smug than ever. Blue-skinned bastard.

Sarah could be distracted with playing some games. Throwing rings earned her a small fluffy key chain. Something that was currently all the rage among kids on Noris as I had to find out soon. And it was not actually a key chain. The purpose seemed to be to weigh down your backpack with as many of the multicoloured fluffball things as you could. Sarah complained about not having a backpack.

And then Storm met an acquaintance. The greeted each other cordially and Storm seemed a little too unsurprised to find the other on a fair in a small town on Noris.

“ _Kaw_ _'_ _era_ _'_ _anat_ , Csapla'lvi'redao,” I greeted her cautiously and informally. She did not seem surprised at meeting me at all. I side-eyed Storm who shrugged almost invisibly.

But Alvir accepted the informal approach. “ _Kaw_ _'_ _era_ _'_ _anate_ , Mellanna,” she replied accordingly. “I hope you are enjoying yourself.”

I raised my hands a little. If they wanted to spring something on me, they’d have to spring it.

“Mama, look!” Sarah pulled at my hand, completely ignoring the social manoeuvring going on over her head. “Can I? Can I? Can I?”

I had to look twice until I understood that she was enchanted by a stuffed animal at a shooting stand that was bigger than herself. Another universal thing obviously. The plushie looked like the cross between a whale and a kangaroo.

“I'll take her,” Storm offered. “It's another game stall.”

And off he was with my bouncing smurf at his side. I tried not to feel uncomfortable. Rukh was somewhere in the crowd. He'd have an eye on her. Then I turned back to Alvir.

“Storm said you were looking into acquiring property,” she sprung the thing. “An ambitious plan for a non-person.”

The legal legwork necessary was indeed daunting. I had only skimmed the surface as yet. There was a more pressing business on my mind. Still I agreed. “Preferably with a house included because I wouldn't want the hassle included with building a house.”

“A wise decision,” she replied. “Building law is even more complicated than property law. I assume you have your lawyers chosen in that respect.”

I had and she knew. Oh, well. “I considered being prepared would be a good idea. And though alien law is a rather exotic subject to specialise in there are a few capable lawyers for it.”

“You have to know.” She inclined her head. “In case you are interested in perusing some offers, I could send you some current objects on Cormit. Just tell me a little about the house you have on mind.”

I might as well. And if the whole name-thing failed, which it better not, Strom would likely step up as straw man. “Two couples with children, conservatory, full service on upkeep and garden.”

Alvir looked at me for a moment, obviously expecting more. I let my fingers run through a shrug. That was about it. I didn't expect to be there a lot. Once Thrawn was back all bets were off. Not for Sarah, naturally, but she wouldn't need a house as yet. Fuck, what was I even doing buying a house? I had not thought this through.

“In a similar location as Storm's house here, I will assume. Otherwise the parameters are to broad to narrow it down to a manageable number.”

I was not sure if she was pulling my leg. I didn't know shit about the housing market on Cormit. “Do that. You can contact me at Strom’s house comm.”

“I will.” She glanced to our side, where Sarah and Storm were returning. I had to assume it was Sarah because she was hidden behind the big whale-kangaroo. She was mumbling into the huge thing and I didn't get a word.

“Thank you,” I said to Storm instead.

“Not necessary,” he said it almost to soft to hear. “She barely needed any help.”

I stared at the huge thing. It would have needed many hits into the bullseye to get something like that. It was futile to try and glance at Rukh as he was invisible. But I really wished I could have. “Oh,” I said. Peeling back the top of the plushie I looked at an extremely happy smurf. “Let's see if you're as good at carrying it as you are at shooting.”

How and when had my daughter learnt to use a gun? I never—I never. I took a deep breath. This would have to wait until we were back home. We walked a little further where Alvir said her goodbyes. Another few paces on, Sarah began to complain about the stuffed animal. She couldn't see. And it was heavy.

“I'll take it to the speeder,” Storm said. “You get some of the candied apples. I'll be back for the fireworks. We have seats reserved.”

Times like this it was so easy to love hating him. I took off towards the food court with Sarah. She was shuffling, probably getting tired by all the action. I couldn't blame her. But there was only one last item And I know she'd kill me if I allowed her to miss fireworks. She only had heard about them so far.

At a booth we took our sweet time deciding on the colour of the candy the apple needed to be covered in. I was going for the traditional red. But Sarah was a child. She wanted the orange one, no, the purple one, no the pink one, not the neon green one. In the end it was orange and I bought it before she could change her mind yet again.

Then we lingered, waiting for Storm. Unlike expected, we did not sit down before the stage. Instead he led the way towards the edge of the fair where a meadow stretched into the night. The promised orchestra had already started to tune their instruments. To their right rows and rows of chairs were put up.

We had seats at the side to the orchestra. Sarah claimed the middle seat as her own and crunched away on the sugar crust of her apple. The sound was teeth-curling at times. But at least she made progress. I on the other hand was still trying to suck may war through he sugar as if it was an oversized sweet.

But it didn't matter much because then the music started and if you have a whole galaxy of funny elements to play with, you can have fireworks look any fucking way you want. And they did. With the orchestra added, it was a perfect set-up to make me fall to pieces again. I couldn't even remember how long it had been. Sarah's insistent tugging on my arm brought me back from somewhere to find that a) somebody had eaten my candied apple and left me with nothing but the core and b) I had been crying.

I ran my arm over my eyes and turned towards Sarah. “Yes, luv?”

“Can we go home now?”

That was a surprise. I blinked at Storm but he only shrugged. “Sure. Are you tired?”

She nodded too quickly.

“Do you want to go to the toilet before we leave?” I tried. “It's a long drive.”

Now she shook her head almost desperately. “I want home.”

How could I deny the shaking smurf that clung to my hand. Maybe I'd get reasons later. Children were not working on logic, even if Sarah was running on weird crazy that I somewhat understood. “Do you have everything?”

I checked the seats as we left. In the speeder, Sarah slumped into the seat, ducking out of sight. I buckled her up as Rukh slipped back onto the passenger seat.

“Watchers,” he growled in Honoghran.

Okay. I looked down at Sarah. The backseat was a little crowded with the huge stuffed animal. On the other hand it conveniently covered one side window completely. This was definitely not what I considered to be a healthy childhood. And why the fuck would she notice when I had not? Was I that oblivious? I made a horrible mother.

Storm took off unconcerned as ever. After a few turns I realised that we were not taking the same way back that we had come. I stroked Sarah's head and pretended that all was well.

“No pursuit,” Storm said after some time. “What about a quick stop to pick up dinner and look for trackers?”

“Sounds great.” I looked at Sarah. “Was it that? They are gone now.”

She nodded a little and curled up against her whale-kangaroo. So much for that. I watched the night pass by for a while, looking at the stars above and wondering why me. Though if it was about me, that would be an improvement. I was running from shadows and even my daughter, who was not even fucking six years old knew how to look out for followers.

Fucked up galaxy. I had almost forgotten about that. This was not home. This was very far from it even though I could get Sarah red slippers without trouble that wouldn't help shit.

“I'll be back in a bit.” Storm closed the door loudly and if I hadn't looked for it, I would have missed Rukh creeping out of the speeder.

“Are you even hungry?” I asked Sarah.

“No.” It was a low whisper but at least it was a word again.

“Are you sick from the sweets?”

“No.”

“Good. I always got sick. And went on to the chairoplane after eating. And then I threw up.” I made a disgusted face.

“Mama!” Sarah was not sure if she would allow herself to be amused.

“I know, that is very bad manners.”

We waited in silence. When Storm returned, he handed Rukh the food and in return Rukh handed him two small devices.

“Vicinity triggers, " Storm said after scrutinising them. Better leave them somewhere close in case they are triggered by distance from the fair.”

“No prints or residue,” Rukh added, taking the objects back. “Another dead end.”

“Not for us.” Storm drove off a little more forcefully than necessary. A few yards down the road, Rukh threw the tiny bombs and bug out of the window.

At that Sarah finally came out of her corner to curl up against me. I hoped it was as comforting to her as it was to me. The drive back home still took very much longer.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	125. Chapter 122

The night had been too short. Of course I could have gone back to bed once Sarah was at her school work, but I wasn't sure if I could actually sleep. I was caught in a nightmare and nobody had my back. Well, Storm was doing his best but it wasn't the same. Couldn't be and we both knew.

So I sat on the terrace, sipping my tea and trying to get excited about opening Thrawn's backup copy. That was more difficult than expected. Partly the last evening was still to blame. How many people did get their house checked by a bodyguard before they were allowed to enter? And Rukh admitted freely that he had started teaching Sarah how to use a charric and normal guns.

“Why didn't you tell me?” I had wanted to know.

“Because you can't tell what you can't know.” He had looked at me with those big black eyes with no trace of apology.

And I had buried my head in my hands, ready to curse all and everything. I wanted to hate Rukh but couldn't. He was doing his job and better than I could ever have thought. And didn't this show once again how much I thought? Or rather didn't?

Finding out that the whole trip had been a calculated risk to see what the other side would do, didn't improve anything. Storm had known, and Sarah had picked up on it because she knew Rukh and what his behaviours meant. Plus she was able to spot the invisible little guy in a crowd.

The only thing that had not been planned with reconnaissance in mind had been my meeting with Alvir. That was a start. And when I finally dragged myself to the comm she had already sent me a message. There was just so much to do and so little motivation. I glanced at Sarah, her little blue neck bent over her exercises.

I browsed through the houses. They were all OK, but somebody on Cormit had decided that edges were not acceptable. All corners were rounded. I would need to get used to that thought before anything else. The wrapped up datacards glared at me from the desk, the DNA sample tucked away carefully in an envelope below it.

Suddenly the comm beeped. I answered it unthinking. Only when I saw Okara on the other end I realised that it might not even have been for me. How did answering each others calls rate on the Chiss gossip scale? I didn't even know.

“I don't have much time,” she said softly. “And I never actually called. This is just me getting back to Kres'tor'manad about that one relative. None of your business as yet. But,” she paused slightly, “soon. You did better than expected, Mellanna.”

There was an accusation and a question in her lor'kina. Still I could only return confusion. “I don't understand.”

“The remains are inhabited.” She shook her head with her eyes focussed on me. “Did you know?”

“Inhabited?” I breathed. “By who? And how?”

She did not appreciate me avoiding her question. “We have no data yet. Everybody is upset. Some are about to panic. Did you know?”

“How could I?” This would not go down well either way. “The last transmission we got was shortly before the Outbound Flight crashed. After that nothing. And I am not a Jedi. I cannot go around and feel if there's people somewhere. But,” I conceded, “things like that have the habit to go pear-shaped and come back to bite you in the arse.”

Okara still did not look happy. “Nuruodo'kar'anasi, Admiral Ar'anasi,” I continued, “tell me, how would this have gone if you had found the remains ten years later with the fortification of the Redoubt progressing as it does?”

“That, Lanna, is the argument currently saving your ass,” Okara replied. “And the fact that somebody has to make contact and familiar faces are few.”

“There is always Baron Fel,” I objected.

She gave me a long hard stare. “Sometimes going all the way is easier than stopping half-way there.”

I nodded. “Still, I will tell Storm to contact you about that relative of his.”

“Do that,” she said. “After all that was the only reason I called you.”

The connection broke and I stared at the black screen. Somebody needed to make contact. And somebody who looked vaguely like the stranded would make everything a lot easier. Good argument. And one I could just latch Luke onto. Not to mention the Ascendancy couldn't just send a nobody with no name. Or Baron Fel.

I grinned to myself. This was starting to look the way I needed it to. Very nice. A few more months utmost and I could go on to the next step in my nefarious plan. I grabbed the packet with the backups and the comm beeped again.

The smug expression I donned for Storm dropped off my face immediately as the image came on, though. It was not him. Again. Instead the screen was filled with the blue-tinted but definitely yellow-robed figure of Formbi. I collected my jaw from the floor, kicked the smug grin under the desk and dug up my best formal greeting.

“ _Toahanah_ _'_ _ein_ _'_ _ehere_ _'_ _olu_ _'_ _nawa_ , _Aristocra_ _Chaf'orm'bintrano,_ ” I told the Aristocra, eyeing his outfit closely. The yellow seemed muted by the dull grey pattern that was laid over it. This was a private outfit, nothing close to his official robes, but leisure clothes in the colour of his House with a pattern to indicate his profession and approximate rank. I was certain he'd die rather than contact me in anything close to his official colours. But since he had finally realised what was going on with me, I decided not to make it nay harder on him that absolutely necessary.

“Lanna,” he didn't return the greeting and made use of his right to cut my name short.

He looked so uncomfortable still, that I was tempted to apologise to him. That would, of course, undo my whole work so far. So I didn't. Instead I glowed inwardly because Formbi had actually commed me. “I am overjoyed to hear from you,” I assured him. “It has been much too long.”

“I do not know about that,” he replied, the politician to the last. “But your words have been on my mind.”

Raising my hands in agreement, I did my best not to look smug. “I would like to share some more of them with you, now that your time is not wasted on them any longer.”

Chiss didn't cringe out of principle, so Formbi certainly didn't have to hide it. He remembered his words as well as I did. “Everything changes given enough time.”

I couldn't help but grin impishly for a split moment. “I see that you have taken it upon yourself to call me and I am satisfied,” I absolved him of former crimes.

Formbi accepted that and for a moment we looked at each other over the silence of our new truce.

“There is more to you than meets the eye,” he finally said.

“That is true for all of us, Aristocra Chaf'orm'bintrano.” I said with the socially correct respect. I wanted him for this. I was willing to do whatever it took, within bounds.

“But contrary to you, most people work to make others see this.” His lor'kina was posing a very different question.

“What would I win, if everybody knew this obvious truth, Aristocra?” I looked up at him with my head lowered. “The only assumption about what there is more of me, is more stupidity. That is,” I hesitated, “helpful.”

“I see. And the Outbound Flight?”

“Yours should you still want it,” I replied.

“With a much bigger prize on the table that doesn't sound like much of a boon.” I was dazzled, trying to read his body language. He was lecturing me silently while he spoke. It was a good thing I was already a married woman.

“The option to use it for opening contact to Space Beyond is still up,” I said, trying to let him know that this was not to be doubted with my lor'kina. “There will be a very big new field for activities for House Chaf.”

“Indeed.” He realised that this field was only the beginning but didn't inquire further. One thing at a time. “And House Mitth would not be interested in partaking, especially with you as special envoy?”

“No. Whatever happens, I will certainly not be a special emissary for house Mitth to Space Beyond. If relationships are opened, I will have a whole different fish to fry.” And I couldn't wait. Empressing couldn't be more difficult than this. “And the outer military will need everything they have to stay on top of their game. Trust me. I have been there.”

“But do you trust me?” He cut to the core of his problem.

“Unfortunately, I do.” I allowed myself a tiny smile. “Despite your suspicious absence and inactivity during past events. Some things never change.”

He blinked slowly. “ A'rare.”

“Indeed. The rest is up to you, Aristocra.” My lor'kina slowly blanked out.

“I will let you know when there is something else I require,” he ended the conversation.

“I am looking forward to hearing from you again.” Putting this power back into his hands was a risk, albeit a small one. I would likely not hear anything from him for a little longer than socially required, but there was no harm in letting him have that satisfaction. A happy Formbi was a Formbi I could work with.

I basked in the 'when' that was definitely not an 'if'. I did not do a little dance of triumph after the call ended. It was a close cut, though. It was a very good day to be Pooh.

I  glanced over to Sarah, but she was still deep in her homework. Well, that meant I really had no excuses not to go ahead with the day's plan and open that parcel. With a sigh, I picked it up again. I put it down again. I stared at the blank screen and wondered what I was actually looking for in it. Proof for the sketchy ideas I had? There would be none. With proof, Thrawn would never have left this place.

A nd what I  could not prove was that Odann had been in league with the Vagaari somehow. That they had sent her the recordings and that somebody sent her an early copy of Thrawn's records And that she had merged both and  then  handed them to Dhenn. And then the whole set up of the conspiracy. Which, by Chiss standards was simple enough. Nine and three desired to rise and do that by demoting two and eight. Somebody from two decided they could do better,  conspired with them and didn't get what she wanted because somebody from eight was on to her, if not soon enough.

Aims? Rise in the  hierarchy for nine and three, gobble up eight for two and do that by letting nine  take the flak for its actions. And three, three playing along because they hoped to expose nine as  what ?  But why? House Sabosen's part in this was still confusing me. A Chiss trying to do what was right because they wanted to do what is right? That was not following accepted patterns.  Who'd even believe it?

Though that might even have helped Odann in case things went wah ooi ne-shaped. Which they did, though not the waho o n i e expected.  Still, with Odann pulling the strings, Prard too pushy and Sabosen  reluctant she could have it her way no matter what happened. I looked up the results again. No, Prard had definitely not left the skirmish unscathed. You were not implied in the destruction of a house with out consequences.

They had recovered by now. Of course they had. And Sabosen was mostly off its unreliable status as well. And Odann, well, she was not Meritocra any longer. Little favours. I ran the extracted DNA over the wrapping and watched as instructions appeared. Not that they were in Cheunh. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and indulged in an explicit and extended fantasy of smashing my husband’s head in.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	126. Chapter 123

“It's Sy Bisti,” Storm said after a short glance at the writing. “Many among the personnel on Chaf ambassador ships and out military ships speak it. Sometimes need does arise to talk to other species that are not capable of speaking Cheunh.

I didn't blame them. After years of immersion I still felt like a fishing boat among the Spanish Armada. Which was probably not the best of all comparisons. “ Can you read it?”

He gave it another look and shrugged. “It's not the best poetry I ever saw but I have also seen worse. Why?”

Poetry? Fucking fuck was going on here? And Okara's art was prose anyway. “It's supposed to be instructions.” I stared at the flimsy.

“For you?” Storm walked around the table and looked over my shoulder. “That was very inconsiderate.”

“I don't think I was in the equation when this was made.” I sighed

“Obviously, since it praises the beauty of a Chiss Lady.”

“I'll just kill him,” I sighed and dropped my head on my hands.

“Can I watch?”

“You can hold the camera, Storm.” I peered at the writing over my crossed arms. “Then I can repeat the experience as often as necessary.”

He rested his hands on my shoulders. “You realise that I am joking.”

“You are?” I tried to look at him which was about impossible. So I content my self with putting my cheek against his hand. “In that case you can hold the camera as I slowly kill you.”

“Then you will never know what it says.”

“I'll find somebody else who speaks Sy Bisti. I'll start with Okara.” And if poetry was involved in any way, it would likely be for or about her.

“That won't help.” He pulled away his hand to point at a section of writing. “It is written in Sy Bisti letters but it is not Sy Bisti language.”

I perked up. “It isn't? What is it?”

“I think,” he made a tactical pause to looked down at me, “it is Basic.”

“What?” My sudden impulse to stand up was curbed painfully by his chin. I dropped back onto the chair, rubbing my head while he sat down next to be checking on his teeth. “Sorry.”

“Maybe giving you a table to translate the letters would be better for my health than trying to help you.”

It dawned to me that the table I needed was not Sy Bisti to Cheunh but Sy Bisit to Basic. Where would I even get that? Basic wasn't something Chiss knew about. Not officially. “I'll abuse you comm.” I grinned at him. “And before I forget again, Okara asked me to tell you to contact her about that relative of yours. I hope you know who she's talking about.”

“Considering recent developments you know nothing about, I'd guess that would be Kres'ten'tarthi.” He sounded thoughtful.

What? Storm and Stent were related? Not that I had paid much attention to anybody's private life on Nirauan. I was very occupied by not freaking out about being pregnant and about to leave for an exile of unknown length in unknown regions. Or at least regions unknown to me. Come to think about it, Nirauan would have been the perfect place to collect some unbiased data.

Or not. Thrawn had probably instructed everybody on what kind of information to divulge and what to deflect or plain lie about. It wasn't as if I had a reliable memory as high on hormones as I had been.

“How?” I finally asked.

“How what?” Storm asked back.

“How you are related to Stent,” I elaborated.

“He's my nephew,” he replied. “My Bloodsister's meritson.”

I mapped that in my head and nodded slowly. How any two Chiss remained unrelated by this system was beyond me. But maybe that was the plan behind it. Not me being confused I mean, everybody being related. “You could have told me.”

“Why?”

“Because I was on Nirauan for so long. I practically lived under one roof with him for months.”

“You could have told me?” He suggested.

“Why? Did I know you were related?”

“Does that matter? Why would you not speak about your time there anyway?”

Well. Because Nirauan was not a subject for polite company. Though that would be applicable to Stent then as well. Why mention anybody that is a _persona non grata_ where you live and where talking about them will mostly just kick up a stink?

“Touché,” I admitted. “So can you contact him?”

“Maybe.” Even his lor'kina was evasive.

I got the message and dropped the subject. Sending regards to Stent wasn't that much of a priority. It would have been nice, though; having my own way of reaching out to Space Beyond. But I had gotten so far without it, I'd make the rest of the way work without it as well.

I rolled up the wrappings again, putting them away safely with the datacards. Calling Okara would have to wait. She was on a very different time than we were currently. I could check with Threll, too. Later. Right now Sarah had finished her school work and came bouncing into the kitchen. Time to holiday.

At least the incident at the fair hadn't spooked Sarah completely. She was still happy to venture to our little pool. I could see that it would not do as entertainment for another year, though. And I couldn't blame her if she didn't turn into a real outdoors child. She had none at home and here it was now tainted.

The garden had to do for many activities. But that was okay. It was safe. As safe as it got. And personally, I found no fault at having a barbecue with things we didn't actually kill ourselves.

“Not quite as carefree as last year, is it?” Storm asked later as he sat down on the couch beside me.

“Yeah.” I had curled up behind my knees, peering at the world suspiciously. “But you can't repeat experiences, can you? There's no going back and doing a replay. Just the chance of making it work again differently.”

“Does it?” He tried to hand me a glass of spiced water, but I refused to come out of my improvised hiding place.

“I guess.” I watched as the glass ended up on the table at my feet. “We're out of the usual activities and relaxing some. At least Sarah is. I hope.”

“You certainly don't look relaxed.”

“Somebody tries to remove me by killing my daughter. That isn't practicality, that is spitefulness. I could be killed just as easily, probably more easily. But then I wouldn't be alive to feel my defeat.”

“And you plan to stop that by getting a name for yourself?”

“Yes.” I uncurled a tentative arm to reach for the glass. “It will be easier to have a waif around than an enraged mother. There's no fury like that.”

“Would they know?” He raised a bow.

“They do.” I thought of Orban defected to Thrawn's Empire for good. That was probably worse than death. “Trust me, they do.”

And since I was already partly uncurled and he was Storm and I was me the evening unfurled to be longer than expected. I didn't get to call Threll until the next day but he did know where to get me my transcription table and I spent the next morning bent over my own school work.

The text turned out to be in Basic indeed. Not that it helped me much because it was technobabble at its finest, describing how to hack into the copies to find the hidden data – in poetry form with rhyming couplets for crying out loud. I wondered how long it would take me to understand a word of it and if I could ask anybody for help.

Rukh had a look at it and said he'd look into it. And that was that. I concentrated on having a great holiday despite all drawbacks. With everything I could do done, that was a lot easier to concentrate on, too. And before I realised we were back and Sarah got praised for her essay and presentation. She had not fallen that far behind either, though I didn't think she'd make it through the trip to Copero with the rest of the family without having to switch in most classes again.

Rukh and I went over our emergency protocols over and over, adjusted the escape and feint plans, and I checked on all details again, just to be sure. The two-week absence had given ample time to prepare something or foul up our lifelines.

That seemed to be an unfounded fear, though. Something that made me even more wary. And then Tharin called looking very sombre and told me in no uncertain words and pronouns that my involvement with the remains found in the Redoubt was currently under close scrutiny and that I would be called upon should any further action on my part be warranted. He warned me, too, that this would happen, if it happened, under very different circumstances.

I was very polite and despite cringing inside, I let my disappointment show humanly. If I hadn't know about the reasons, I would have believed I was out of the game for good. And he'd better see that side of me.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	127. Chapter 124

Instead of me, the committee called upon Thkela. I have no idea how pleased she was to get another commitment just before leaving but she accepted the appointment. Something that took a small family meeting because Thirba and Thorra were also expected to attend. Thikoa and Thiffa were exempt only because they were on business at the other side of Csilla and would travel to Copero directly from there.

I was not family so I could easily stay at home and look after Sarah. Ha. Ha. Or not so ha. The anero was one big and empty labyrinth with everybody gone. Aden had taken this opportunity to attend to some business out of the house as well. It was weird knowing that I was sitting all alone in a big accumulation of stone, calling people.

“And this is why I suggest you call Attal,” Threll ended his lecture. “He is good with technologies and has a soft spot for outdated systems.”

“I don't even know how sensitive the data is going to be,” I objected.

“You will never find out if you accidentally delete it or trigger a safety measure.” Unfortunately, he was right about that.

“I'll give him a call.” That was not quite the same as actually asking him about the subject. I would have liked to hand the instructions over to Ittor but she was even less part of what I considered my inner circle than Attal.

“I have you covered.” Threll smiled a goodbye and the comm changed channel.

Not unexpectedly, I found myself looking at Attal. “Hi there. I take it your relationship with Threll is going well?”

He frowned for a moment. “Threll means well. He knows how obnoxiously stubborn you can be especially in case of requiring help. So I just wanted to tell you that I volunteer.”

“You keep doing that,” I replied. “For no good reason I can see.”

“I am offering help for the same reason that you are living in the Ascendancy right now.”

“It doesn't concern you even remotely,” I insisted.

“Neither me nor my family,” he agreed. “Which is one of the reasons my offer stands.”

“I'll think about it,” I said. “Let me know if anything in the following file means something to you.”

The file in question contained some of the instructions, taken apart and out of context but hopefully still intact enough to be recognisable to somebody who knew. Attal promised to have a look and call me back in a day or two.

And I went down into a very empty kitchen to prepare some lunch for two. I was still listening to Sarah recounting her victories of the day, when Rukh suddenly slipped into the room.

“Down.” he growled in Honoghran. “And out.”

Sarah dropped her food and I was up dragging her along behind me before I realised. “How many?” I wanted to know.

“Too many to handle in one go,” Rukh replied. “Just go!”

So we went, hurrying along the social room. I could see pursuers in brown already, though. It might just be too late. I held on to Sarah with one hand while feeling for my knife with the other. It lay reassuring against my belly.

I made sure Sarah didn't fall down the stairs. Then the cellar door hissed shut behind us. I took a deep breath. It would not last. There was nowhere else to go down here. And they had seen us. I turned to Sarah, who was taking all this better than expected.

"You have to be very brave now," I explained, crouching down. "There are bad people who want to hurt us. But we will not let them. Okay?"

Her head bobbed up and down nervously.

I straightened again, and led her deeper into the cellar. There were already noises coming from the entrance. No, this would not take long. We took a few turns, though the way out was straight ahead. At the control panel for the air conditioning and life support system I stopped. I opened it and pointed at the surprisingly big space behind it. Rukh was a blessing. I prayed he was safe.

“This is important, luv.” I crouched down again. “You will wait in here. Do you see this lamp?”

She pointed at a small red light, nodding again.

“Very good. When it goes green, you will go out again. Rukh will collect you. You go with him. He will bring you back to me. Do you understand?” I was so worried and so hurried and harried it wasn't even fun. But this was the important bit. This was where I made sure one of us got out alive.

“Yes, mama.” She looked so unhappy.

“What will you do?” I prompted her.

“I will wait in there until the light is green. Then go out to Rukh.” Her fingers clutched my hand. “He will bring me to you.”

“Very good.” I ruffled her hair.

“And you?” She didn't let go and I was sure there were first voices echoing through the corridors.

“I will make the bad people follow me out. And then I will also hide and wait until they re gone.” I smiled. “And if they look for me, Rukh will tell them not to.”

That cheered her up a little. Nothing could beat Rukh, it was a truth universally acknowledged. I gave her a gentle push and she slipped behind the control panel. I closed it as fast as I dared and took off again. A few turns and doors later I found one of the decoys hidden throughout the cellar. Grabbing the lightweight imitation of my daughter, I made for the door.

The pursuers had split up, trying to cover all of the cellar. A rather vain idea but helping me along. I snuck up the door at the rear end and waited for an opportune moment. There I managed to be almost not seen as I ran for it. Or pretended to. I turned to lock the door credibly but not insurmountably.

There was only one way to go from there, really. So I took it, making sure some of the faked Sarah's clothes stuck in the hedge as I squeezed the dummy through. On the other side I was faced with a problem I had not considered before: the end of the world. Literally. The grey ice stretched up almost right before me and only hedge behind me and wall to either side.

Just run, I told myself, choosing to go right on a whim and sprinting off again. The dummy was unwieldy, bouncing in a most irritating way. I made sure it lost a shoe not too far down the path. Then I came past an opening that looked like a service tunnel and just took it. The domes of ice had to be maintained somehow. I should have paid more attention.

I came across a stair up to the service areas of the dome. I took it and found myself breathing heavily soon. Stairs had never been my strong suit and these went on forever and ever. I realised I'd never make it to the top. These stairs were the emergency route to the sky, and that was several kilometres up.

There were no service areas going off for the longest time. Now and then there was a platform inviting you to have pause and catch your breath. But I heard the pursuers below me, climbing steadily and all thought of pause was driven from my mind.

"Shut up and just climb," I shouted. With some luck they'd believe I was talking to Sarah. Sarah who should be safe by now. Safe with Rukh, safely on her way to safety, safely out of the reach of the pursuers that were still going after me valiantly. Instead of being uplifting, this thought took it out of me. There was no real reason to hurry any longer, no incentive to keep pushing myself up those endlessly painful stairs.

Still I kept going. I felt myself slowing down and just hope the others were experiencing a similar amount of excruciating pain. When a door presented itself, I didn't even think. I just fell through it and was glad to end of my way up.

Unfortunately, the door led to a small room. There was a table with a couple of chairs, lockers and what looked to be cleaning equipment. I had a quick glance down and then across to where the anero stood as if nothing was amiss. There was a narrow ledge leading away and I could see a bigger opening not far away. Okay.

I began to push the lockers in front of the door. Unfortunately, they were not that heavy. I leant the table, chairs and all equipment against them, then got out onto the ledge. The next opening wasn't very far away. It was also less than useful. After making a small dent into the wall, the corridor ended just a few paces later in a room full of equipment I couldn't place. It looked as if it Giger had designed a weather station. But there was no way back. I curled up in a likely corner. There was no real cover anyway.

For the longest time I heard nothing, then there was a high whine and muffled voiced. Those bastards had chosen to use antigrav units. This meant they would not be as exhausted as I was. My breath still tasted of blood each time I inhaled. I closed my eyes and waited.

The whining stopped and steps echoed on the ice outside. Voices were talking in muffled words as they approached. I tried to calm down as much as I could, breathing regularly to gather some more strength. They'd find me anyway, I'd better be as prepared as I could. The longer I could keep them, fool them, anything. Time. All I needed was time.

Time I would not get, that much was sure. Five figures entered the room, carefully covering each other and looking for us. I held the dummy behind me for as long as I dared. But they had seen me and were closing in on me using a somewhat recognisable pattern. I took a last deep breath, using it to whimper in a tiny hope that it might fool them at least a little.

Then I sprang up, using the dummy like a bat to hit the one closest to me over the head before throwing it at the next two who hurried to his aide. I finished the turn with ms knife out and still half hidden by my hand. Another step brought me within reach and I just thrust the blade into the torso before me, ignoring the soft ripping of cloth and the wet sound of metal on tissue and the sudden scream in my ears. I turned away again, trying to rip the knife through as much body as I could on my way.

The next Chiss was on me already, though and I merely managed to plunge the blade into his arm before I was thrown back. The motion was emphasised by a foot hooking behind my knee. Cushioning my fall as best as I could it still kicked the air right out of me. Scrambling to get up I blocked another kick but with three still standing unharmed, there were more feet than I had arms.

My knife almost got stuck in a boot and I was dragged across the floor for a bit until it was dislodged again. Cursing abounded by now. At least I made it difficult and painful. Still, points of pain flared up all along my body, and then a boot came down hard with its heel on my hand that sill clutched the knife.

Fireworks went of behind my eyes though I doubted anybody but me could see them. The noise this made was ugly. Pain spread up my arm, blossoming down my ribs and mingling with the other pools of agony. Protecting my face helped only so much because instead of boots it was my own arm hitting into it repeatedly.

When the barrage stopped, I could think of nothing else but how to make the pain stop. My hand was a pulsing pulp of pain, my ribs seemed to scrunch against themselves and my head throbbed inside of its skull and parts of it seemingly outside of it. I lay curled up and very, very still.

The voices were muffled in the ringing silence. They were holding half of a conversation only. I didn't get much except for short affirmatives at first.

“They got them,” a voice finally declared. “You leave and get that attended in silence. We'll just wait for the others and finish it.”

“Why not now?” The voices all sounded the same. “Won't matter if she died some earlier.”

“Safe's safe.” It was probably the leader. “And it won't go anywhere. We can wait until the kid's here.”

“If you say so. Just make sure, they're both well done for before throwing them down.”

Maybe I had gotten the leader after all and the second in command had stepped up. That filled me with grim satisfaction somewhere behind the pain. What worried me, was that they had Sarah. Or thought so. What would Rukh do? I didn't know. Maybe I could have worked it out if my mind had not been so crumpled under the patter of pains.

Taking inventory as beast as I could, I realised that there was absolutely nothing I could do. Even when I blinked, I did not see much. Everything was tinted red and fuzzy and dim. Trying to move only caused me to spasm and that was not a good idea because there was still somebody around to put an end to that.

I could not even scream as I found out gurgling in pain. So much for that. But when I heard footsteps approach, I could not go out lying down. I propped myself up as well as I could, the knife nowhere to be seen as a foot caught me under the jaw and the world exploded in black fireworks.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	128. Chapter 125

I came to with a jerk that didn't move me at all. Pushing against the heavy weight on my chest, I struggled but couldn't even swallow, let alone breathe.

Something pushed against my shoulder. “All is well.”

I tried to relax and recognise the voice. “You are in hospital. Your daughter is fine. She had scrapes on her hands and knees from falling on a gravel path. Otherwise no physical damage.”

I did relax. And guessed the voice belonged to Thrair. OK. Sarah was safe. Good. I allowed myself to slump into the mattress again.

“You on the other hand,” Thrair went on, “have very severe injuries which is why you are restrained. Especially your right hand needs rest and must not be moved. Your eyes are swollen so do not worry if you cannot see much. Some ribs are broken and you are covered with grade two and three bruises.”

He removed his hand before continuing. “Do not attempt to speak yet as there are tubes down your throat and nose. We will remove them momentarily if you promise to drink and eat.”

I tired to nod.

“Good. Please do try not to swallow or throw up.” One of his hands came to rest on my throat just above the collarbones as he spoke to a nurse I hadn’t noticed. Not that I had bothered with trying to see after first attempts yielded nothing but splotches.

Fingers gently felt their way around my mouth and then something started to move up my throat. It was indeed unpleasant and made me want to vomit. Trying my best to just stay relaxed I felt my eyes start to water as a hard edge slowly wandered up my throat.

It might just have been better that I couldn't see much. It felt horrible and despite my best efforts I ended up half coughing, half retching. The hand wandered down to massage my throat gently and that actually helped.

My eyes stopped watering which was taken as signal to dry my face. I took a few breaths and the tubes in my nose didn't really bother me. They didn't seem to be going far, probably just making sure there was enough oxygen pumped into me.

“The programme for the day is a treatment for your eyes to reduce the swelling,” Thrair spoke up again. “Then more sleep. After that tidying you up after another eye treatment so you can see your daughter when she visits and don't smell too bad. How does that sound?”

“Good,” I croaked.

As a result a thin tube was inserted between my lips again. “Do not worry about spilling. Your jaw is not healed yet.”

A lukewarm, film-covered liquid found its way into my mouth and I swallowed. It felt as if it worked but I also felt water dribbling down my chin. Great. But the itch in my throat subsided. I took some more swallows before trying to rise my left hand. That also worked somewhat if sluggish and it did feel somewhat painful.

“It will be better tomorrow,” Thrair promised. “For today it would be easier if you accepted being fed. And there is a taster and a guard from the Meritocra's guards is always on duty, too.”

Well, somebody got their arse handed to them somewhere. White Security was the Ascendancy’s finest indeed. I tried to relax and lie back. Things happened to my eyes that were overall not unpleasant, cool and damp. Nothing hurt really very much and I went back to sleep before any part of my body decided to change that.

When I woke again, my face felt, well, I felt it. Along with the rest of my body which seemed to be throbbing in an irregular rhythm. That was probably my heartbeat. I could not decide if it was actually painful. My eyes were treated and I could actually peer out of them afterwards. Everything was a little fuzzy and dim, though. But hey, eyesight.

That meant I could feed myself. Or try to because I only had one hand to use and it was the left and also somewhat battered. But I managed. And hoped this would mend soon or I would starve. Surveying my state as well as I could I decided that apart from my right hand and some ribs nothing was broken. Not that the hand wasn't making up for that in spades.

But it was mostly ugly bruises, smashed tissue and ruptured blood vessels. Nothing that wouldn't heal. And then Sarah came. Or started to. Her small figures stopped in the door as if she didn't know who I was or maybe just didn't know if I'd fall apart any second.

“Hey, luv.” Speaking was still somewhat difficult. Bruised throat and that tube, I guessed. “You look great. How are the knees healing?”

She came closer carefully. Afraid to break me, I deducted. Then she held up her hands that were covered by a pinkish film over their palms. “It itches,” she provided.

I smiled and hoped it didn't look as horrible as it felt. Rukh was slipping into the room, giving me a curt nod. All was well, even if I would not get any details until I could return home. He'd stay with Sarah. My smurf was looking at me closely and when I raised my left towards her, she didn't take it.

"You said you would be alright!" Sarah burst out full of indignation.

Poor thing. “I will be,” I kept smiling. “It only looks very bad. Only my right hand is really broken. The rest is just blue.”

She bent over me to look at the other hand. “You lied.” It was a very small whisper.

“I wanted you whole and not looking like this,” I replied. Though it hurt somewhat, I steadied her with my left hand while she looked at the wires and tubes running in and out of the cast. “You did right. I am very proud of you.”

It was probably bad parenting. But she did look a little better. “I found Rukh,” she declared. “Mitth Security was there and they had charrics, real ones. And then White Sec came and they asked me a lot of questions. And Rukh was not there but he came back later with the Mitths.”

She had settled down to tell me her whole adventure and I would have let her. But Rukh stepped in behind her. “Later,” he said and I realised there were parts of the story not to be heard by all ears. “Your mum needs to rest now.”

I tried to yawn which was difficult because some kind of contraption kept y mouth from opening all the way. There was more stuff attached to me than I had thought. No wonder Sarah was worried. But she allowed me to touch her face with my left, even if I was rather clumsy.

When they had gone, Thrair explained how full of painkillers and assorted drugs I actually was so the visit could happen. And that would stop now and I would take time to heal. I nodded. Healing sounded like what I needed. Maybe the relentless throbbing would stop. But instead I slipped in and out of sleep, feeling bedraggled, dizzy and halfway everywhere. Now and then figures visited my dreamlike state. Sarah and Rukh standing beside my bed; the family, their expressions wearing varying degrees of worry.

And then I woke to find myself feeling okay. The throbbing was done and apart from my right hand, everything seemed to work almost as it should. I could see, I could use my left, I could eat and brush my hair and have a shower. My right was wrapped up watertight for that because sonics wouldn't be helping my hand in its current state at all. I was ready to go.

Unfortunately, Thrair was not. “I apologise for the delay, but there are visitors you have to receive first.”

I wondered who they were and why they hadn't come sooner. Or why they couldn't come to the anero. I wanted to go home. “How long?”

“This day,” Thrair said. “You will be home in the evening.”

I sighed. It was only morning yet. At least I could raise the back of my bed and somewhat sit. If I had had my pad, I could have made some calls already and looked at the news. I was very interested at how this had been received. Not too well for the failed attackers, seeing how I got White Sec at my door to guard me.

I wondered how long that would hold, though and how to protect myself afterwards. Or maybe I'd get lucky and the incident had hastened my name-getting. I fully expected somebody to argue that that was just why I had staged it. I closed my eyes and carefully ran my left hand over them. They were still sore, the skin and flesh sensitive to touch. I looked forward to being able to rub my eyes again.

Stitching my head back together had also called for an ugly haircut. Actually, they had shaved my head and then bandaged it up so nobody would notice. So much for letting it grow again and finally adapt to that aspect of Chiss culture as well. I ran my hand over my skull absently, the thin layer of adhesive bacta keeping my from doing any damage to the suture.

Nurses came and went, re-bandaging bits of me, one looking intently at the cast on my right hand before taking readings and leaving again. That hand was worrying me a lot. I had no illusions how it would have turned out with earth medicine. But here there seemed to be real hope to get it working again. The wires were adjusted a little later and though it felt funny, it did not hurt. I had been told that the thing would stay under local anaesthetics for a little longer.

Some time after lunch Thkela came. She was not the visit I had to wait for, I assumed. I would have seen as much as I wanted of her back home. But she refused to talk about it and kept the conversation about what had happened while I had been in hospital. She did not say anything about the reactions the attack had elicited.

Suddenly Thrair was back, asking some strange questions and declaring me sane and in possession of my mental skills. He stood back as the White Sec entered the room for the first time. He did not stay alone, though. Another guard followed him and took up position beside the window. It started to get crowded.

To make the overfill complete, Arond entered with two aides. It was a miracle that there was still enough air in the room to keep everybody breathing. I didn't bother trying any lor'kina. Human body language might be opaque enough for the occasion. I had no idea how to greet anybody of his rank with one hand while sitting up in a hospital bed with one arm in a cast.

“Mellanna Morrison,” one of his aides solved my problem, “the Chiss Ascendancy has failed you.”

Well, that was one way to put it. I was too ready to sass them to death so I kept my mouth shut, sorting all possible replies alphabetically. At the same time I struggled find lor'kina that would encourage him to go one before I croaked up something extremely improper.

" _Heim_ _'_ _erea_ _'_ _seene_ ,” I unearthed from the depths of memory. I rarely had use for formally asking people to continue.

Arond inclined his head and the aide went on. “We have testimony that since your arrival you have done your best to become part of our society. We have testimony of your achievements. Have you done anything new lately?”

I was not sure where they were going with this. They would certainly not offer me a name there and then, there was too much decorum to be observed. But their visit obviously had some social implications. Stupid, play stupid, I admonished myself. This was no time to expose my own scheming bastard tendencies.

“I was looking to buy a house on Cormit,” I admitted.

Glances were exchanged. “The broker being?”

“Csapla'lvi'redao.” More glances as if confirming my words. I did not sigh, the scrutiny was just too close. “And,” I hesitated in shame, “I was asked to step down from working with the Redoubt committee.”

“Do you know why?”

I shook my head, then stopped with a sudden and translated the negative into lor'kina. Ignorant and emotional. “It must have been something of importance, though as the committee called on Thkela.”

“The matter is of importance indeed,” Arond spoke up for the first time, “but not of a negative kind. It is extremely unfortunate that this incident happened now.”

Well, I wouldn't know how getting beat up in an attempt of murder would be better depending on its timing. But then I was biased.

“The debate has come to focus on which status you should be granted instead of why.”

I let my lips form a small oh but did not say anything.

“It is obvious that this was either an attempt to hasten or prevent the process.” He looked at me.

“If I have a name to myself is of no importance to me personally,” I looked straight back at him. “It is important because it removes my daughter as a target for anybody unhappy about me.”

Arond raised his hands and I was ready to cry. He got it. “How can we protect your daughter?”

I snorted despite myself. Quite obviously they couldn't. “Have you even tried? Would I trust anybody here with my daughter's life now? Anybody except my own?”

“I understand.” He sounded resigned but not surprised. “I will see what I can do about that. And I agree that even the White Security is not a solution.”

I had to think of my own white squad. I had no idea how they'd do as babysitting bodyguards but the idea was too cute. “I understand,” I said out loud. That naming thing was a pain in the arse, looking at how long it had taken Thrawn to get arrangements for a simple transfer from one Ruling House to another. At least people had been in agreement about his status and worth.

“Will you accept the token of service for a week?” Arond asked. It was a double edged sword. On the one hand I'd have an additional guard and it would set a big fucking signal to everybody with eyes. On the other hand there’d be a stranger in the house for a whole week and what difference would week make anyway? But I got this one. I would definitely go home with a shiny beacon.

“I will, Meritocra Csapla'ron'deren.” I tried to put as much formally grateful lor'kina onto myself as my sorry state allowed. “I thank you for consideration.”

And with that the official part was over and everybody except Thkela and Thrair dissolved politely into thin air again. I suspected that one of the White Sec stayed just outside the door. I had to think about what to do with them. I'd better invite all of the people to visit my sick bed in the anero to show them off.

“Now we go home.” Thkela inclined her head.

Of course it was not that easy. Thrair had a mountain of paperwork to be done first. Ah, well. Paperwork is a perfect excuse for not updating here.


	129. Thrawn Vignette: Pulp

Pulp.

That was the most accurate way to describe what the image before him showed. Human pulp that had not that long before been the face of the woman he was for all means and purposes married to.

He glanced at the open file on the other display again, a medical record. Because there was more amiss than her face. As he read through the enumeration again a cold anger settled in his stomach. It was a very long list. That it consisted mainly of bruises, contusions, and bones merely cracked did not help.

Thrawn's eyes returned to the image again, barely recognisable as a face. Swollen, discoloured, askew, the nose mashed, the jaw dislocated, split skin held together with medical tape. _How dare they?_ Did anybody really think it would change a thing?

There was a medical report for Sarah as well. Exhaustion, emotional trauma, scraped off skin on palms and knees. Thrawn looked back at the former face of Mellanna. She had sent a short letter, written in a script almost unreadable.

_Be glad you can't see my face,_ it said, _it's even less pretty than usual. I'm probably giving Sarah as much trauma as the whole attack._

As usual, Mellanna was making light of it. Her own letter was complemented by the reports Storm had assembled and sent with his personal assessment, putting the incident into perspective. His friend's words were positively glowing with cold anger.

She had taken down one of the attackers and incapacitated another before the remainder had realised how dangerous she was and put a stop to that. Unidentified attackers, indeed. Thrawn was quite sure he knew the colours they wore over their hearts.

He had known that he'd put Mellanna at risk on Csilla. It was a web full of angry spiders, each ready to bite. And still he had sent her, fully aware of the danger if she ever achieved progress with their plan. And she had. And the spiders had struck. Though not hard enough, nor fast enough by a long mile and nor terminal enough to prevent their own doom.

_I'm making it short, they're pumping me full of painkillers. That's probably best. But I wanted to let you know that everything is alright._

Thrawn looked at the image of his human pulp again. 'Everything is alright.' His gaze wandered to the Sarah's medical report. 'Everything is alright.'

It was frustrating that he could do nothing. Mellanna was certainly under a very tight watch if not only from friendly eyes now. And he was damned to idleness. Any sudden change would give away the whole set-up. Not that there was much he could send. Assurance, maybe that was the most important thing.

He read through the material closely before starting to write a reply. In a way everything was indeed alright. Mellanna had hit the hornet's nest and it was just a matter of time until she would get to the very bottom of this mess. If she made it that long. He did not have any doubt.

_Don't worry about the face_ , he ended his reply letter. _You will always be beautiful in my eyes._


	130. Chapter 126

As soon as I had announced my arrival back home, calls came in from all directions and everybody wanted to come and visit. Probably to make certain I was actually alive or to bemoan the fact. I could not be sure with everybody.

After writing a rather unintelligible letter to Thrawn telling very shortly about the incident and how things were probably fine now, I got a cramp in the left hand and had to stop without any other news. Oh well, I'd be able to write again some day. Then I declared myself unfit for extended visits or calls. Aden sat down to create a schedule that would look credible and juggle everybody according to status and closeness of relation. I was more than grateful because my thoughts were circling around very different topics.

One was the safety of Sarah. Rukh was now a publicly known factor and much discussed. I hoped it didn't interfere with his work. Then there was my safety which was supposedly guaranteed by the Chiss in white following me around at a respectful distance. I was not sure how useful that really was, but it was more than I had had before.

Thkela had also announced that the traditional visit to Copero would happen despite the deplorable events. That made me unhappy because there was the question about Rukh staying or leaving. And it was more than unlikely that I would get a name for myself before they left. The estimation was somewhere around Sarah's name day.

And it was troubling me that she had to be protected closely until then. And I was exposed once my week of token protection was over. Whoever had ordered that desperate attempt would surely not give up. Dead was dead and if they found a culprit again, what did they have to lose?

“Won't go.” Sarah displayed a very blunt refusal. I was not sure how well she was supposed to use the lor'kina. It was one of the aspects I left to the Chiss to teach her.

“Why not, luv? Did you not like it last year?” Maybe I would not have to tell her that she had no choice.

“I went last year. I go again next year.” She was pleased with her argument.

“Why not this year?”

“You are not well.” She made a hesitant pause, looking around. “And Rukh.”

So much for her being oblivious. “He will take good care of you,” I said. “I am sure he will be allowed to come along.”

“But then he will not be with you.”

I could hardly argue that I could take care of myself or that I didn't need Rukh to protect me. “I have the Meritocra's guards to look after me,” I reasoned. “Nothing can happen to me.”

She shook her head. “Umor.”

The gesture shouldn't have been totally adorable on her. Though I did wonder if she had a knife herself now. “I'm afraid you have no choice.” I tried to smile. “But it is okay. You will be fine. And I will be fine. And,” I hesitated before I let bad parenting abound, “maybe you can do something for me?”

To her credit she was suspicious. “Do what?”

“You must not tell anybody. Well, maybe Rukh.” There was no need to burden her with complete secrecy. If she even managed to keep the secret. Which was actually not the point. “Do you remember Thanio?”

She shook her head. “She is not So'weëran'ok?”

“No, she is not. But she lives on Copero. I am sure you will see her.” I gestured for her to come a little closer. “She was in the military when papa was exiled. And I have questions for her. But,” now I looked around, "I cannot ask on the comm.”

“You cannot come?” Sarah asked.

“No, I cannot. I cannot ask her the questions and nobody must know. But you could.” I sighed.

“If I go, I ask.” Sarah saw a trap when I put up one. But it was up to her to take the bait. Whatever else, I had somehow managed to not raise her to be stupid. “You want me to go?”

“I want you to be safe.” How that translated in her going to Copero was anybody's guess. “And you are safe with Rukh.”

“Don't want to go.”

I put an arm around her. “I know, luv. I know.” It was horrible to know that I wasn't even sure where she would be more safe, with me or with the family. “But you are expected to go. And I cannot protect you better than they can. Rukh is who matters and Rukh will be with you.”

She held on to me and I felt so bad. “And I can help you?”

“Yes, you can. Only you can.” That was the bloody truth but not applicable the way Sarah thought. “Do you want to do that? Do you want to know how?”

She wanted to help. Something else she got from me. Unfortunately. I hoped not more people would realise how easily Sarah was willing to do things if you made her felt needed. I scrounged together a few inconspicuous questions and some less innocent ones that would not stand out if you didn't know what to look for.

Sarah promised to keep the paper hidden and only show it to Thanio. In return I refused to let her go anywhere without Rukh. A demand that Thkela didn't even question. And before I even had settled into some kind of routine, everybody was gone, leaving me alone with the Chiss in white. There were at least three of them taking turns. I was not even sure if they were men or women because of their uniforms and they did not speak and had all the same haircut.

Still, I did not notice any attempt on my life. However well that worked as a measure. Probably not too well. And White Sec might have been just as useful as full-sized garden gnomes. I'd never find out because I wasn't going out. I wasn't doing much at all. In theory things worked but when I moved, a lot of bits reminded me that they had been severely affected when receiving the beating and would prefer to heal in peace.

Of course Storm was the first to visit. I was sitting in the shared parlour, trying to look okay. It was a great help that my one hand was in a cast I couldn't use for anything except clobbering more attackers to death with. That would be well worth losing the hand.

"I always wanted to see you in blue, but I must admit it looks horrible." He scrutinised my visible parts.

I smiled because laughing still hurt somewhat. "Sorry."

"And you already look a lot better than in the image that circulated through all media."

"What?"

"You didn't know then. I suspected." He said. "Your bodyguard is not only effective in the field of battle."

Was he insinuating that Rukh had taken a picture of me on his first chance and given it to the public? Not that it wasn't a good move considering how I had looked even more like minced meat than I did now.

"Some of the media denied that it was actually your current state until a speaker of the hospital admitted the image to be correct even if they condemn this kind of action strictly."

“They better,” I agreed. “Where would we be if anybody could just take pictures of me and spread them around.”

“Though I wouldn't put it beyond your bodyguard to have fully documented how he found you.”

In case I was not about to die and Sarah was safe, yeah, that sounded like Rukh. Maybe I should ask to see that once I felt I was strong enough. And on a very empty stomach. The bits I remembered were ugly. “What does the media say about White Sec following me around?”

“I won't spoil the fun for you,” his eyes flashed. “But it is entertaining, especially having the opposing arguments ripped apart with actual arguments.”

That had to wait, though. With everybody gone and me about confined to my quarters I found the time to try accessing Thrawn's notes. It went so-so and though I was certain not to have destroyed anything, the technology was more stubborn than expected. Since Attal was on the list of people to arrive in person, I just made a mental note about it, removed my own finds and stashed them away securely.

Not that there was much new information. He had suspected what I suspected now. Odann as mastermind, Dhenn as willing partner and Inari as an odd element. If I hadn’t been on medication, the whole thing would have given me headaches again. How could I get Inari to tell the truth? How could she tell the truth without saying a word?

Well. She was a writer after all. And with that happy thought I set out to do some writing myself. I had found a way to make it a part of painting. And typing with one hand was better than writing with the left. It went slowly, but there was endless editing ahead anyway.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	131. Chapter 127

Attal visited and opened the secret data without any problems.

“It's outdated and I don't think the system is still in use much.” He handed me a decrypted copy. “I didn't delete the pathways, so in case you lose this, I can get at it again. You'd be better of remembering it all, though.”

I had tried. Attal had been considerate enough to give a running commentary on his activities and paused for explanations. It had not helped much. I was lost three commands in. “Thank you.”

“You're welcome.” He inclined his head. “And after all you might be family one day.”

That day was indeed getting closer. Not that anybody had said anything about it to me yet. The Redoubt Committee had called, expressed condolences and let me know that I would resume my position again. They had not been clear on when that would be. I guess that it was either when I was well again or when I had gotten around to getting a name.

Oh well, the people on the Outbound Flight had lived there for a while now. A few months more would do no harm. Not to mention that they would get out of there a few years sooner still. I wished I remembered where they had wound up in the end.

Rukh called in regularly, letting me know that he could not detect any danger for Sarah. The Family was travelling under protection, and it was likely that those precautions were enough to keep anybody from Sarah's immediate vicinity. I approved. I listened to Sarah recount what had happened and how she managed to talk to Thanio all on her own.

“That was clever. I am very proud of you,” I told her. “I hope the trip is fun?”

And she was off again, telling about all the things she had done and Thinak was teaching her and they were playing together and could they play together when the So'weëran'ok came to visit? Because she was really good now, even Thinak said so.

I missed her terribly. I couldn't remember ever feeling so lonely. The guard in front of my door was gone. Not even Rukh was around. All on my own. I bit down on the pillow hard and tried to sleep.

Thrair made a serious face and told me to take better care for my damaged hand as he removed the first wires. I had no idea what else to do, or rather not do. I was mostly using the hand for a paper weight. Because I was indeed using paper to puzzle together my research and that of Thrawn. It looked as if Odann had received the data of the battle on Oto Brask station and made it look as if it was a first field test of new technology, all very hush, hush.

I'd have to find one Prard'enc'iflar if Thrawn's deductions were correct. With that premise the whole thing with the data was easy to reconstruct. The problem was proving anything. And that had cost him his head. Well, metaphorically speaking. But how could he have gotten information about the other side of the deal Odann had made? Actually, now he could. He better. Though I had no idea how to smuggle that kind of data into the Ascendancy in a form that would hold up in court.

That left Inari who came to visit just before the family returned. My hand looked somewhat normal again, only the cast still clinging to it. It itched like hell, even though it had been recently remade when the last of the tubes and wires had been removed. Thrair estimated another two weeks with the cast before I might change it into something a little more flexible.

“How are you holding up?” Inari asked.

It was no secret that I had not gone out at all because my bodyguard was with my daughter and I was afraid. “I'm looking forward to the return of everybody else.” I slumped my shoulders. “I still do not like being separated from my daughter. And the circumstances have not improved from last year.”

“I am sorry I can not help you more.” She was sincere.

“You do help,” I assured her. “Your books are helping more than you might think.” I made sure that I was going to talk about something totally unrelated with my lor'kina. Or mostly unrelated.

“How so?” Inari accepted and was possibly inclined to go along.

“It is something that my favourite authors from Space Beyond had in their stories, something that I can relate to, even if it is surprising to be found here.” Who'd have thought a few years back that I would be able to have two conversations at the same time, with the same person, too. “But your characters tend to do the right thing simply because it is right.”

“It is true that you do not find this often,” Inari admitted. The Ascendancy was just too riddled with convoluted complications that had to serve as reasons for everything. “All the more reason to write about it.”

And yes, she was totally _d'accord_ with the notion and following it herself. Right. So much for that. If she was to be trusted. I would have to trust my gut feeling on that. “Do you think it may rub off?”

“Among Chiss?” Her lor'kina was an exclamation mark of doubt. “I would not hold my breath. Most of us actually enjoy the political shenanigans.”

“I might have noticed.” I let my shoulders slump again. “But you can get used to everything if you have to. Though it doesn't mean you stop appreciating glimpses of what you left behind.”

“Your descriptions were lively but not convincing,” Inari said, her eyes flashing. “I can't think of anybody who'd rather live on your backwater excuse of a home planet.”

Well, in comparison, not even I would want to live there. I had spent more time wishing I was somewhere else than actually enjoying the place. At least it felt like that looking back. So much daydreaming and hoping some sci-fi or fantasy would claim me. Did I have a right to complain at all? I thought about Sarah under fire and my lump of a hand and an absentee husband. Yeah. Under those circumstances, everybody had the right to complain.

“You know what they say about nostalgia,” I said out loud. “And being unable to maybe ever return, I have it bad.”

“I wished it was the only bad thing for you,” she replied. And we were back at my deplorable state and position. At least that was a conversation I was very good at having by now. I repeated it a few more times before calling it a day. Then I looked at some houses Alvir suggested and wondered why I had ever thought of buying one.

To distract myself from those glum thoughts, I looked up Prard'enc'iflar and found him. On Brask Oto Station, too. With no direct or indirect relations to Dhenn. But then they were one House. If Odann had set up things right, and I bet she had, it would have looked like a Prard conspiracy. I needed to get into contact with Denci in a most innocent way.

I sat down to tell my Admiralship how I needed him and what I needed in detail and that it would have been great to have it yesterday. And while I was at it, I would like to know how Odann's bloodson held up in the Empire of the Hand. I considered telling him how utterly scared I was. But what would that help? If he knew he knew. There was nothing he could do anyway.

I took some time because writing was still not easy. The letter was shorter than I liked, but it felt urgent that I got answers. I was ready to just call Denci and ask some pointed questions. But if I just held out a little longer. _Mor'an'er_. One more day. And the same again tomorrow. And in a few days the family would be back and I would at least feel safer even though Rukh was not watching me much more than now.

I tried to keep my muscles moving a little, but so far Rukh had not shown me any kharath that was for wounded. I wondered how come, considering my history. Maybe there just wasn't one. The Noghri warrior died in battle. He did not return to burden his clan.

That was such a depressing thought that I stopped trying to exercise. Instead I hit random keys n the kal'yenok'tar. It sounded sad and lost but it was some sound to keep my company. I considered actually replaying something I liked. I considered reading. I considered curling up and not being there. That was not fun with the lump of my hand though.

I ran my other hand through the stubble on my head, trying hard not to finger the stitches. I was a mess. A wreck. Only one step away from failure. And death. But failure was worse because that meant they had gotten Sarah instead.

I waited in front of the comm for her calls. She looked happy enough. Thorra, Thirba or Thkela were always behind her, letting me know all the extra information through their lor'kina. I could have cried. Only I didn't want to worry Sarah. She had enough on her plate. And she was so excited about her completed mission, that she never failed to mention the special present she got for me. It was too cute and everybody pretended not to notice.

Thkela warned me about an unexpected call from the Redoubt Committee. They would be taking me back on as counsellor somewhat under reserve and in some cases duress.

“The view that one of our own should not stand in the line of fire for an outsider has taken root,” she told me.

“Thank you.” That had probably taken some doing despite being the least friendly view of my situation.

“It helps that Sarah is a child and has done no wrong,” Thkela went on. “It makes her doubly unsuited as a target to remove you.”

It was good that Chiss didn't smile. The one I had to offer was twisted and full of rage. But whatever helped. “So far nobody has tried to remove me directly.”

“I should hope so. With this consensus, it has been decided that you receiving a name will be moved up into the weeks after our return. That will have consequences on your interactions with the Redoubt Committee.”

No doubt about that. If getting thoroughly beaten up had this kind of results, maybe I should have tried it sooner. We exchanged more trivial information and I was not that surprised when the comm went off right after we said goodbye.

Until I took the call that was and found myself confronted with Chaf'orm'bintrano in pretty much full regalia. And me in the equivalent of a sweat suit.

“You look horrible,” he confirmed without any delay. “But is seems everything will be in order again some day.”

“I am doing fine, Aristocra Chaf'orm'bintrano.” My lor'kina was a little impeded by the cast, but I managed to be very polite. Maybe a little too polite, but what did I know? “Thank you for the consideration.”

“Your life seems to be more exciting than anticipated.”

“Very much so,” I inclined my head. “I am rather worried that all my expertise, however outdated by my stay here, will be lost if this continues.”

What a nice understatement for fearing to be stabbed the moment I set a foot outside. I had ordered more robes in a thinner cloth and would soon move about in knife-proof underwear. Little things that had slept in my closet since my arrival. I wished the Chiss fashion had more of an acceptance for polo necks. The collars were not that high and now I didn't even have hair any longer to hide anything under.

“That would be a pity.” He offered probably honest condolences, though I guessed they were aimed at my knowledge rather than my person.

“If you have any plans to help me avoid that, I am all ears.”

“House Chaf has decided to instigate official contact with your person.” He hesitated only a little before calling me a person. It was not quite a _fait accompli_ but only murder could prevent it now.

“I am honoured.” I indicated the formal bow as well as I could. I was not as surprised as I could have. His official get up had cued me in somewhat.

“As well you should be.” Modesty was obviously not his strong suit. “And since I am the only one in my House of high enough position to do this and somewhat acquainted with you,” he did not finish.

I suppressed the rising giggles. But he was right. House Chaf was a slippery lot and I did not have contact with its scions. Affronting Formbi was their best shot. I suppressed a smile as well. “What do you want me to do?”

“Nothing but what you do now,” he replied. “We will be communicating officially now.”

I raised my hands in agreement and inclined my head. “It will be my pleasure to continue our conversation.” And it was clear that I did not mean the one we were just having.

“That's what I thought.” He knew that this was the perfect cover for anything I might have planned and he might have stooped to. Sometimes I wondered at how smoothly some of the cover-ups popped into place. But then I had probably not been working on this one alone.

I smiled at the blank screen after the connection was cut, ready to do anything but update.


	132. Chapter 128

I was relieved when the family finally returned and had difficulties letting go of Sarah. She did not approve. There was too much to tell which needed too many explaining gestures. She couldn't wait to get away from the dinner table and talk to me alone. At which point she crawled onto my lap from her own volition to speak softly about the things that were not fun.

There was so much to scare her this time around. And from what I knew from Rukh's calls, she didn't know half of it. I tried to comfort her as best as I could. She was not happy with my hand still in cast.

“You said you will be right,” she complained.

“It is just my hand,” I said. “And everything else is good again. I promise.” And since Sarah was not training with me, she would not see me wince.

“How do you write?”

I held up my left hand. “Very badly. I type everything now, but it takes very long.”

She was mulling that over. “Everything takes longer,” she finally decided. “Can I try?”

“Of course.” I did not think she'd keep it up for long. Being only able to use your left hand was ever so annoying, not to mention wearisome. I watched as she fumbled with her pockets. It really did take some time, but I had time now. My smurf was back and alive. Rukh was around and for as long as we were together, we were both safe. I had to believe.

“Here!” An envelop was thrust at me. “I gave it to Thanio and she gave it to me.”

I turned it over in my hand as well as I could. “You did not open it?”

“No.” Sarah said proudly. “I wait for you.”

“That is very nice of you.” Since I had my working hand full of envelope, I could not ruffle her hair. She probably preferred it that way. “Can you open it now? I am not good at all opening things with one hand.”

“I help you.” She took the envelope back, ripped it open, and tugged several sheets of paper out. “Here. Do you want me to read?”

I looked over the sheets and gave her one. “This is for you.”

She settled down to read. It was too cute. I hoped Thanio had some good words for her. Something uplifting. Heaven knew Sarah needed it.

I skimmed through my letter as well, but it seemed that any code in it was hidden better than I would manage to find while Sarah was awake. Thanio was well aware of the answers I was actually looking for. She didn't know about any new technology going on test runs with them. They were not the most trusted of all task forces naturally and the responsible Inrokini had been busy on another mission.

With the usual forethought of a Chiss, she had added the name, date, and sector of said mission as well as the names of the Inrokini doing the science with them back in the day. But maybe I wanted to talk with one Prard'enc'iflar about this, contact enclosed, who had taken temporary responsibility of anything that couldn't be turned off.

Well, I might indeed. But first I had a daughter to praise and get to bed. And then a very long conversation with Rukh. I did not like to hear what he had to tell. Hostile eyes on my daughter wherever they went. But the family had been observant. There was little left for him to add. Sarah was well-protected. It might be possible to keep it like that. It would allow him to have an eye on me from time to time.

How I wished that he looked out for my safety. But the thought that something happened to Sarah when he was watching me was killing me only thinking it. “I will have to talk to Thkela about Sarah's safety.”

But by the time Rukh and I were finished talking it was way to late to talk to anybody. And there was indeed no kharath for the wounded. You adapted what you had. It spoke of my imperfection that I didn't know how to do that. Oh well. If that was the only thing speaking of imperfection about me I had come a very long way. Not that I believed it.

So I just sent Denci a polite note, telling him I had his contact from Thanio because she hoped he would be able to help me with some science questions. I managed to word it in a way that implied she'd be knocking to see if I called and whether he replied or not. Better safe than sorry. And it was not as if I suspected him to be part of a conspiracy or something. With luck, he was just embroiled in it.

Thkela was gone by the time I had gotten through the morning with Sarah and seen her off for school. Instead I finally got the call from Tharin. It wasn't much, just that I was supposed to turn up again at the next meeting in a few days. Of course I accepted and promised to be there.

Thanio's letter contained nothing actually new except the contact details of Denci. Still, she had managed to phrase some of the details in a way that made me take notice. Who was on duty where and why  had  rosters  been  changed? She also referred to the experiments being done at the other side of the Ascendancy several times to explain things.

I would have to look that up. It was likely a well crafted ruse to put Denci in charge. Making it happen would have taken long preparation and meticulous planning. And since Inari had not been a member of House Inrokini back then, well, maybe she had had plans already. Another angle to check.

To my relief that angle yielded nothing. At that time Inari had not even met Inrokini'tak'ikali her later spouse. And in his whole life, Itaki had never as much as looked at military technology or communications. His field of expertise was, probably not all surprising, the displaying and reproduction of arts with special focus on novels. One thing less to worry about.

So I worried about my safety and that of Sarah again. Thrair said I would regain full control over my hand if things kept proceeding as they were. Just another week in the cast, maybe a few days and then gloves with some bacta-substitute.

“Measures are being taken,” Thkela assured me when I finally snagged her for a conversation.

“What kind?” I wanted to know. “I do not see any guards anywhere. Except if that is exactly how it is supposed to look?”

“Security has been tightened, but not to a degree where it would make a visible difference,” Thkela replied. “Your safety is taken care off in the anero and immediate surroundings. Everything else is only possibly safe, depending on the availability of additional security personnel. I am sorry.”

I sighed. “I'll be careful. And I'll just hope it won't be for much longer.”

“The Meritocra himself has promised you help,” Thkela said. “Give him time.”

So that had been a promise? I tried to think back on the weird visit. I had gotten some showy guard for a week. But more than that? I couldn't remember. And anyway I had told him that I only trusted my own bodyguard. What would he do? Clone Rukh? Now that fell under extremely unlikely incidents. But if Thkela expected something more to come from that, I would keep my eyes peeled.

For some time everything went as normal. Then the first domino fell.

“The Council of Houses requests your presence and that of the leaders of House Mitth at their next session on the 23rd jet'yeo'ate to finalize procedure on the reception of your name the ceremony of which can be held up to nine days after.” The Auxilicra looked at me with a face of stone as he handed me the message saying just that.

“I thank you, Auxilicra Kres'ven'nermo.” I indicated a bow. I turned and regally strode into the anero. I closed the door behind me and jumped repeatedly making undignified noises of victory. Just when I had calmed down enough to announce the good news, the comm went off. Putting on my most dignified face, I answered a call from the Redoubt Committee.

As soon to be regular member of the Committee, it was thought prudent to actually have me sit in on the regular sessions and could I manage like in half an hour. Boy, could I manage. And for this very special occasion, my security problem solved itself as well.

A guard in white was ready to follow me. If that was the help I would get, it was definitely better than nothing. I would have to find out if it applied to non-governmental business as well. I doubted it. Even Arond had only so many guards in service.

Whatever the overarching plan was, I reached the House Palace in one piece and as healthy as I has left the anero. Thara nodded at me imperceptibly as I entered. Everybody else showed neutral lor'kina, though some did not look too happy about it. Especially Ogast, who had turned out to be a member of Internal Security did look as if he was ready to kick me out as soon as procedure allowed it.

Right now it did not. Tharin greeted me formall y, stressing my precarious status as long as I remained unnamed. “But there have been developments that cannot be ignored any longer and we need to agree on a course of actions soon.”

“I will do whatever I can to help you,” I assured him.

“You may have to betray your own people,” Ogast supplied helpfully.

“In which case you are out of luck.” I turned to look at him. “I will not betray the Ascendancy. You will have to find somebody else.” 

I returned my attention back to Tharin. “Will that be all then?”

Of course it was not. It was not even close to what the subject was but then I knew nothing of that. “You have misunderstood Nurodo'gas'talei,” Tharin replied, defusing the situation with his lor'kina. “He was referring to the humans.”

Humans I did not know about. Oh well, I could play that game. “Firstly, I consider the Chiss Ascendancy to be my home and my people. And secondly, where do you want to get humans from here? I doubt that anything I could do would seriously surprise Baron Fel, too.”

“So you claim you don't know?” Feran asked.

“Not to know what? There are so many things I do not know, Chaf'era'netoi, that you have to be a little more specific.”

“When you insisted on a thorough searching of the Redoubt to find the Outbound Flight, did you know there were survivors?”

I blinked and opened my mouth. Then I shut it again and stared at Tharin. “Survivors? In that wreck? Are you sure? There planetoid doesn't even have an atmosphere.”

“They are living under the surface,” Tharin explained. “Some of the ship's hull must still be intact. But answer, did you know?”

“How could I?” I asked back. “The last communication from the Outbound Flight was between Jedi. And obviously whoever sent the message did not survive. Or they would have requested a rescue. And if a Jedi doesn't survive,” I made a short pause, “others will not. Jedi can survive more than normal people. And I assumed they were all dead.”

The rustling of lor'kina was a success in itself. Oh yes, I had said I thought they were all dead. But did that refer to the Jedi or everybody? And who would want to call me out on that risking to look like an easy target?

All in all it was a very successful start of the meeting. It would take some time to get back on track. Time I could use to make my own notes about where everybody was standing in this mess. And time to sort through my information and deciding on what to tell them and what to withhold. I was the expert on humans as yet. I'd have a field day.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	133. Chapter 129

The track we got back onto was nothing too exciting yet. The decision what to do with the survivors wasn't even on the agenda yet. So far it was all how well stocked was the Outbound Flight, what resources did the survivors have, what kind of opposition could be expected.

“I do not think we will encounter opposition directly,” I said. “The survivors know about their limited resources even better than we do. Even if we assume that all supplies survived and are accessible for them, both points I doubt, they are running low. If we offer help, I think we will encounter at least cooperation.”

“You are so certain on many points,” Ogast said. “He kept pushing me in directions I didn't want to go. They included logical arguing and that was something I felt could only go wrong.

“I can explain my reasoning again. Nuruodo'gas'talei,” I replied. The 'again' being an insult all by itself.

“So you did and in itself the reasoning was acceptable, but,” he glanced around the committee, “we have only our word for many of it.”

“That is something I cannot amend.” I refused to accept any responsibility for the Ascendancy's policy of staying within its boundaries. Space Beyond didn't go anywhere and there were plenty of ways to establish contact and get a second opinion on my reasoning.

“If the Ascendancy decides to open relationships with any government in Space Beyond, any of my claims may be scrutinised as desired. But it is not a decision I will take any stance on. It is not my place.”

It would be nice to watch, though. The high and mighty Chiss opening relationships to confirm my web of lies only to get in contact with my fellow liars. I almost wished it'd happen. The smug satisfaction would have surpassed most things. But in that respect the Chiss were not playing along. Or maybe not yet. They might still decide to contact the New Republic or at least Luke before taking action in the Redoubt.

“According to your own words, there is more than one relevant government in Space Beyond,” Chaf'ari'neolt chimed in. Farin was as far removed from Formbi as was possible while still being in the same family. Naturally, I assumed they were working together closely. “Contacting one might upset another. We need more information about the situation before we can consider any actions.”

“I agree.” I raised my hands. “Fortunately, the Chiss Ascendancy has the all resources and contacts necessary to gather this information. In the meantime, we can concentrate on our task.”

The rogue House Phalanx which nobody admitted existed, much less that was its own Empire and certainly not Thrawn's, was a sensitive subject. But everybody in this room knew that the way to Space Beyond, if following the usual cautious Chiss procedures, would lead through there.

Another day on which I would be the Queen of Smug. Not to mention of half of fucking Space Beyond. Life could have been good if there hadn't been the constant worry about Sarah's safety. The White Sec escorted me back home after the meeting but overall they were not available. As suspected, this service was only extending to government business.

“You are important, mama.” Sarah was beaming. I seemed to be the centre of attention in her class. Her new class that was. But so far she had adapted well. Having a mother of ominous importance might have helped. For a while she would be the best of anything in her class and the daughter of a non-person people were still making a lot of fuss about.

“How important am I?” I asked, looking over her shoulder at her homework.

“You have White Sec to protect you. Nobody has that. Only the Meritocra has White Sec.” She smoothed down her notebook. “Can you bring me to school tomorrow?”

“Sure, luv. But the White Sec only follows me when I must go to the House Palace. They won't be there. Is that still okay?”

She turned around looking up at me earnestly. “They will not come? Why?”

“I am not that important. The government only wants to make sure I get to my appointments with itself safe. My private life is my private problem.” Not that I wouldn’t have dragged the guard to school and back for the rest of their duty for Sarah.

“That is not making sense.” Sarah said, her forehead furrowing. “If you are killed in private, you cannot go to government meeting.”

“I know.” I messed up her hair. It felt so very soft. Must have gotten that from her father because mine did feel somewhat like straw in comparison. “But it is the way it is. Culture does not have to make sense logically.”

She thought about that while straightening her hair out again. “Even your own culture?” She finally asked.

“Especially your own culture. Because it is yours, you never really look at it. So you don't notice it does not make sense. That's okay.” What did it take for you to look at the system you lived in and notice it wasn't a good one? Apart from obvious power imbalances. Which might just exist in the Ascendancy but I had ended up in a station so privileged that I wouldn't notice if it bit me in the arse.

In the meantime I was assured that my safety problem would soon be solved. Arrangements were currently being made but due to my restricted choice of bodyguards things were complicated and time consuming. I was to accept the token service of a White Sec for official government business in the meantime. I just hoped it didn't mean they were cloning Rukh after all.

And before I could snap my fingers, which I couldn't because have you seen my hand? I just wished it 'd heal faster. Anyway, the day on which I was to become an official member of Chiss society had come fast. That's what you get for being busy and holed up at home.

Of course I had noted the increased communications between the anero and the House Palace. But I had done the prudent thing which was nothing. I sorted information for my Committee into neat boxes that made sense to Chiss heads, speculated on the longevity of the equipment on board of the Outbound Flight and tried to be generally useful.

There was a survey mission planned and I did want to go. I also didn't want to go at all because of Sarah but by then I would have my name. Things should be looking up. And I would be with a small group which could be easily screened. I should be somewhat safe as long as I didn't pull stunts on Brask Oto station. Damned, was I doomed.

Denci had actually replied to my message. He did not sound keen on talking with me. But that was fine. I had read up on the projects that had been ongoing under his supervision and could make a convincing inquiry about those. I hoped that would put him at ease.

It also made me undecided on whether I should just talk to Denci now or wait until I arrived in person. It was more difficult to weasel out of a conversation in person. But if I commed him now, there might be some further investigation possible. Decisions, decisions. Did it ever stop?

I stared out of the window. Of course it did not. Still, I kept wishing for that in intervals. But instead of reclining in crowing glory, I just had to set another goal each time I reached my destination. So, what next? A path was cut out before me with no space for deviation. I sighed. On with the show.

“Should you not look happier?” Storm frowned at me across the comm.

“Indeed not,” I countered. “I should be filled with the solemn austerity this occasion calls for. After all, I am about to dive headfirst into the most annoying accumulation of duties any society has ever thought up.”

“Still speaking treason five minutes before your naturalisation.” He was decidedly unsurprised and unimpressed.

But then I did have a little more than five minutes as natural human from, well from Space Beyond with suspicious affiliations. My robe was a special design that had buttons up my sleeves which looked highly decorative in their blue way on blue cloth, but they allowed me to get my right hand through without screaming.

It would not be the last time I wore blue, of course. It better not be. I had a closet full of blue clothes. There wasn't really anybody I could gift them to. Not without really offending. Maybe I should keep that in mind.

I was tempted to add another note to the rising pile in my drawer. A short glance showed it to be recently emptied, though. So anything I sent now would take some time to arrive. And by then it would be way to late. If I remembered to complain to Thrawn in my next letter, it would have to be enough.

_Thrawn_.

I wondered what he was up to. I wondered if he had nice Emperor uniforms tailored and looked smashing. On second thought I hoped he had not because I didn't get to see any of it. It seemed forever since I had last seen him. It would take another forever until he could return. It was a good first step, but only that. Once I had my name, there was just endlessly much to do. And I really had no idea how to get the information from the Vagaari. It was probably vital.

So what I really needed to think about, despite getting my sorry arse to the Outbound Flight, securing some bodyguards so I could move my aforementioned behind out of the anero at all without feeling I had a bright target painted on me. Getting the evidence Thrawn had collected sorted, read, deciphered, in shape, buy a house, convince Inari it was safe to snitch on Odann, exhibit something.

Oh dear. My next paintings would definitely look very interesting. I sat down at my desk, staring at my clump of a hand. Only a little longer. The wires and tubes were all removed. It was actually itching now and then. I wondered how much skin would flake off, were I to wash it now. Somehow I had never really been seriously ill back home. Only two or three times in hospital for gastroenteritis. That didn't really count though I had gotten a huge needle stuck into me.

And since I had landed here, it felt as if I had been in med bays as much as my own bed. For my eyes (twice) and my hand (also twice) and getting generally beaten or cut up somehow. Oh and childbirth. Though most of that had not happened in a med bay. Unfortunately. And the parts that did, well, I didn't like to think back.

I did so anyway, trying to see how far I had come since setting down foot on this accursed ice cube. It was actually nothing to sneeze at.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	134. Chapter 130

Well, wherever Arond planned to get some protection from, he was taking his time. I tried to make the best of it, though I did feel like a recluse. I was going out pretty much when Sarah was asleep because she could be protected in the anero. It had something to do with house honour not to let her die in it.

I was not sure how much Rukh did indeed follow me. But I had blade-proof underwear covering every inch of me covered by clothes. And I was careful.

“I'd call you paranoid, except that your hand still is visible proof to the contrary.” Storm was visiting regularly, sparing me the trip through Csapla.

“I'd whack you one with said hand if that wasn't detrimental to its healing,” I replied. “On the other hand,” I was very tempted to hold up the healthy equivalent like a visual pun but didn't, "all this time at home has given me time to tie up some lose ends. And tie some new bows, too. Very pretty.”

“Let me add to the pretty,” he smiled. “I have found Prard'ras'kleoni.”

“I am agog,” I replied, flopping down on the couch beside him. “Which ship of the Chaf Household Phalanx has he been transferred to?”

Storm was not above ribbing me. But he did so very careful not to involve my hurt hand. “You could have said.”

“Why?” I grinned. “I am, after all, finally learning.”

“And what do you plan to do about him now?”

“Not sure.” I leant back, staring up. “He is related to Denci which I could possibly exploit. But as yet he has done nothing to attract my attention.”

“Indeed.” Storm raised a brow.

“Indeed.” I looked at him, shaking my head. “He might do something some time in the future if we ever get there and if it's not too different from what’s in my head.”

“The inside of your head,” Storm sighed. “That fabled store of ominous knowledge about the future. What's in it for me?”

“Nothing.”

“I will call you an eel in public,” he threatened.

“Which is your very right and everybody will laugh about you.” I was not scared. And there as indeed not the slightest mention of Storm in all my knowledge about the Chiss Ascendancy. There was horribly little knowledge about it at all. About all of what was there had a military background and all involved parties playing the elaborate theatre that was Chiss politics in front of ignorant strangers.

Any knowledge anybody thought they had outside of the Ascendancy and the Empire was so off target. Just as the Chiss liked it. But I was right here and playing into the hands of the outside world. And this I did by digging deep into useless Chiss science history.

“It is very kind of you to talk to me, Prard'enc'iflar.” The comm connection was bad and that was a sign in itself. Contact to Oto Brask Station was stable. He did not want to be read. “I promise not to keep you for long.”

“Thanio said it was about the science project I overlooked during the time the new laser calibration tests near Kinoss.” His lor'kina made it a question.

“Indeed. I understand that the new settings were still under scrutiny on the Springhawk.” Oh yes, I had done my research and after a little more technobabble, Denci was loosening up a little. I was not going to drill him for information about the battle. Whyever he would expect that.

When he had explained why the first field tests were already executed when the last results of his series were not out yet, I was ready. “But you could have sent important information back home,” I said.

“No,” he was still in full explanation mood. “The communications systems were not up to that back then. There were first attempts with longer distances, but it was nothing that was working yet.”

“That must have been cumbersome.”

“It was indeed. I sent first test transmission myself. It took some time to adjust everything to working conditions. A process I was involved in closely.” Something he was proud of and a deciding factor for success for if his lor'kina was to be trusted.

“I hope nothing important got lost in the messages,” I worried.

“Oh it was nothing, mostly the results of the project and some prepared test messages.” He made a short pause before launching into the history of the current long range transmission system. I listened very attentively, though I already had the information I had wanted. And he did not elaborate on the first test runs. They had been failures. What more would one need to know?

What more indeed. He had sent the data into the empty ether as far as everybody was concerned. And I would have a very hard time proving that Odann had received important information through unknown technology. If there was a way to prove it, it would take a long time finding it. And that explained why I was here now instead of my Admiralship.

I made sure to keep on the subject of his involvement in developing the current communications system. A happy Denci was just what I needed. I promised to visit for an informal chat on the topic if I ever made it to Brask Oto station. He didn't have to know how good my chances in that department looked. And when the call was done, I sat down to brood. How did you prove the existence of something that had once existed, but never officially and probably not for long?

The best shot was probably going to Brask Oto station and poking around. Or asking some high ranking Nuruodo and Mitth representatives. Okara and Thara were giving me strange looks when I enquired after the archiving of communication logs but as it turned out, there should be an exact copy of all communication on Naporar.

I somehow doubted that. If anybody had complete access to the records and archives on Naporar it would be Odann. And she'd be a fool to leave any traces. So I'd assume she hadn’t which brought me right back to Brask Oto station. With Houses Mitth and Chaf involved, it would be a bit more difficult to tamper with the records there.

The meetings of the Redoubt committee became more frequent and I was visiting the House Palace at least once a week. Work was being done in the Redoubt. There were scans of the Outbound Flight to see if it could be removed in one piece, paths being mapped hoping they proved large enough to fit the battered mess through. Naturally, the committee wanted to go there, oversee things, assess things, and have their greedy hands all over whatever there was.

The question if and how the survivors would be approached was being postponed time and again. And that when it wasn't even clear if a message would reach into the wreck or they survivors would be able to answer. I leant back and watched because for once the Chiss were making idiots out of themselves. I didn't even have to lift a finger. Maybe I should have tried this approach from the start.

Finally the cast was off my hand and I was told to take it slow. The thing emerging from under the protective shell looked very pale and wrinkled. It felt a little mummified. The fingers were stiff and overall I could not use the hand very well. Writing was a nightmare. I'd have to wait with painting, too. When I had finally gotten everything for my next exhibition planned. Oh well.

It was hard to adhere to the medic's orders. I wanted my hand back. It did look fine. Okay, a web of white lines criss-crossed it now, but who'd even notice? Thrair had warned me though, that the hand would be back in a cast in no time if I overdid it. And he had meant it.

So I took it easy even if that was hard. Rukh did his best to re-train my knife-skills for the left hand. I felt so clumsy all over again. He berated himself for not thinking of this sooner and I tried to tell him that it wasn't his fault. Not that I had much success convincing him.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	135. Chapter 131

The name-giving ceremony approached mostly unseen by me. As the centre of attention I had little to do with all the preparations for the event itself and, more important than the ceremony proper gauging from the effort invested, its paraphernalia. That was all the better since I already had trouble conducting all my business properly and was still not really leaving the house.

I would have to hold a speech. Naturally nobody informed me about that bit until three days before the deed so I was not prepared. My research for the whole thing had stopped at 'go in, sit around, let people talk, have your case made, leave a Chiss'. Now it looked as if I had some case to make myself. I had been looking forward to leaving that to somebody else.

Even Sarah got caught up in the excitement and did some research on her own. I doubted that most of it was up to date. Somehow all members of a clan gathering and publicly casting their vote didn't sound like something the Chiss could do, scattered as the families were. Maybe the ancestors had done it like that. Still, it offered me the image of Neanderthal-Chiss sitting around a fire in a cave and going 'ugh'. That was worth it.

The concept of public voting was something I did not put beyond them. It would afford people to judge and gloat in retrospect. And even if they would never do so openly, Chiss did gloat – in finely tuned gestures and the slant of their tone.

“And then you have to prove your worth,” Sarah explained sagely. “To show you can help the Ascendancy.”

“Now that is a very wise idea,” I replied absently. My head was in stitches over the speech which was as far from done as I was from Coruscant.

“How will you prove your worth, mama?” Sarah poked me, knowing my mind was wandering. “What is your help?”

“It's a surprise,” I told her consiprationally. Though did have a candidate or two in mind, there was no being certain with the Chiss.

“How can it be a surprise?” She chided. “People must know what it is to know if it helps.”

She was right there. “Only a surprise for you,” I amended. “It is adult stuff, very boring, I'm afraid.”

Sarah wasn't going to poke that one. She was aware of how often she called the adult stuff boring and preferred to do something else. Not that I blamed her. In general, I actually agreed.

“What did the others do?” She asked instead.

“The other who?”

“Chiss, with names,” she explained. “What did they do to get their names? They were babies when they got their names. How can babies help anything?”

“They are being born Chiss with names.” I had no idea how to explain that. “If you are a Chiss right from the start, it is different.”

“It is not fair,” Sarah said after some consideration.

“If life was fair, I'd-” I had to stop. I didn't even know what life would to to me if it went around being fair. Somehow I doubted, I would like it. “And it means you don't have to do anything either.”

“But I could!” She jumped up, proudly reciting all the helpful things she could do for the Ascendancy. I really hoped she wouldn't end up overcompensating in that department.

And before I could blink, or get bodyguards, the day had come. I was surprisingly unexcited. What loomed ahead looked more like a mountain of horrible, horrible chores than a victory dance. Also you didn't need pants for the victory dance and I was most certainly wearing some. The plainest, most simple and blue trousers ever covered them and then a tunic also very simple and blue. I was the most unperson-y nonentity I could imagine.

The streets looked empty as I made my way to the House Palace. It was decreed I should arrive alone and be carried of in a cheering triumph by my new family. Metaphorically speaking. The idea of a mob of cheering Chiss carrying anybody away was not something that lent itself easily.

I was certain that there were many faces watching from where they could not be seen, though. Windows being the most obvious choice. I pretended not to know and certainly not to care. No matter if I got my name or not, I was still a bumbling outsider with no idea how this game was really played.

Thinking about watchful eyes on me also kept me from thinking about watchful eyes on Sarah. Whatever my enemies might cook up now, I just hoped it failed. Me? I was armoured up to a t under my plain clothes and pumped full of any antidote feasible. So eyes on me were perfectly fine. My hand throbbed as a reminder that perfectly fine might not be quite the right idea. But compared to Sarah, my hand had nothing to say at all.

I strutted into the central district unchallenged, passed the guard on duty at the House Palace just to be promptly intercepted by the special honour guard of the day. I complied and was whisked away to the 27th level, the ground floor of the big auditorium.

All three levels were opened, allowing a plethora of Chiss to be seated in rows upon rows. If you pinned a swarm of butterflies into an amphitheatre of impossible size, this would be the result. The speaker's desk was sitting prominently in the middle. Not that I got that far. Before I had gotten two steps into the auditorium, two figures barred my way. One was dressed in binding white, the other in impeccable back.

“Who are you to come here?” The demanded in unison. “Who will speak for you?”

Cloth rustled behind me. Thkela and Thorra stepped past me like red wrath unleashed. “The Mitth Family will speak for her, if she may not speak herself.”

I was clamped between them with determination. It was just part of the procedure but White and Black took some time to consider that before allowing all of us to step into the room. “We will see,” they declared ominously.

We ploughed straight towards the speaker's desk which by our arrival had miraculously been taken by Arond. The place was packed. I couldn't see a single empty seat. I had the feeling some seats were taken twice with both occupants trying to look nonchalant. I realised with a sinking feeling that this was also being broadcast all over everywhere. I hoped I could keep from picking my nose.

Black and White took up positions behind Arond and the Meritocra declared the buffet opened. Well, the hearing. It was a good thing that my thoughts were not broadcast as commentary to the whole thing.

“It is uncommon for the Ascendancy to accept a foreigner into our midst,” he began. “The Ruling Families are our centre, our very heart. The epitome and backbone of the Ascendancy. What has this thing brought, that we should consider such a thing?”

I really hoped that today was the last day I was called a thing in public. At least openly.

Thkela started small, listing what I had brought on the Starkiller when I had arrived. A load of information and technology. But White countered that my very existence had caused and was actually still causing a major upheaval in throughout the Ascendancy.

I would have expected Sarah to come up at some point in the back and forth, but she it looked as if she was too far behind in everything to count as an asset. Instead my connections to Space Beyond were exploited in detail. A very important asset, looking at how the situation in the Redoubt had developed. After a lot of discussion the decision pretty much burned down to either embracing the opportunity of expansion with open arms or be imperialistic hermit crab arseholes. The winner was not declared.

Instead all eyes zoned in on me. Since I didn't think it was already time to whip out my acceptance speech, I just hoped I'd get through it without making a complete idiot out of myself. My plans called for me being a hopeless idiot but somewhat intelligent. I swallowed.

“So tell us,” Arond addressed me. It was the first time anybody actually asked for my opinion. “What do you bring and why should we accept you?

I took a deep breath and cleared my lor'kina. “Esteemed Meritocra Csapla'ron'deren, honoured members of the Ruling Families and respected audience.” It wasn't such a bad start, was it? But as always my problems began when I I got to the meat of the story or speech in this case.

“You have had my contributions laid bare before you and my potential pointed out in detail. All I can add is the outsider's perspective. That you as a people may underestimate the fragmentation of Space Beyond and the chaos ruling there. I know that you have only my word for it, but you need not.”

Implicating the Empire of the Hand might not be the wisest idea, but everybody and their aunt knew about it. If they doubted my word so very badly, it was the obvious way to find things out. Now on to insulting the whole Ascendancy in six words or less.

“As for why,” I let a smile slip through my otherwise impeccable lor'kina, "you know what I will do for my family and to those who threaten it. It would be an easy step to have the whole Ascendancy as family. And if this is not a reason for you,” I let my fingers shrug a little, "then do it for the innocent.”

Mission objectives achieved. They knew they had done a shoddy job protecting Sarah. If possible, I would have poised my broken hand in front of my robe to highlight the thin white lines on it. This is how well they had done their job. Only by the grace of an outsider did the child live. Of course all gestures that would have allowed this were very bad lor'kina to use right now. So I refrained.

“The case is closed,” Arond declared after a short pause.”Now we vote.”

I was ushered away into a tine side room to await the verdict. Fortunately, you could only vote yes and only a certain amount of votes overall was needed. The Chiss knew themselves and their scheming too well. The game was rigged anyway. Lucky me.

First they would have another stylised debate while I was supposed to simmer in my own worries, though. Maybe I should have left on the oven to further this. But Aden would have put an end to that before I was even two streets away. So much for worrying. Instead I settled down to wait.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	136. Chapter 132

There was nothing to do but wait. It would have been nice to do some scheming, but by now I needed an extensive, and extensively coded, wiki to keep up with myself. At least my new wardrobe was ordered so I could leave for Brask Oto station in a moment should such a visit be scheduled at such short notice. Which it would. And Formbi would talk to me after my return. Depending on how things went that would be a good or even better conversation.

I hated the game. I hated playing it. I hated how good I had become at it. I hated how much I enjoyed it. But really, how could you resist taking down smug Chiss a peg or two? I sure could not. I wondered if I was good enough to play my own husband by now, even just a little. Not that it mattered. Projecting from current progress, it would take me another fifteen years to get him back. Unless Odann had slipped up, but let's be honest, how likely was that?

Finally the door opened again. Thkela stood in it, looking smug even for a Chiss. “The vote is over,” she told me. “Will you accept it?”

“Of course.” What else was there to say. Plus, I had seen her face. “Lead me.”

The auditorium was spectacularly transformed. In addition to the butterflies caught in an amphitheatre look, the ceiling was a mosaic of colour. Burgundy and red dominated. There was a spectacular splatter of brass outnumbering yellow and I would have to thank Attal for the generous amount of bronze. The other house colours were present but in expected amounts.

I had done it. I had gained enough approval from all Houses. Still it was the bronze that turned my smile into a sharp edge as I came to a halt before Arond. His complicated robes showed only a trace of grey, a highlight, a contrast emphasising the overall lack of it.

“The Ascendancy has decided,” Arond declared gravely. “Mitth'lan'arash.”

I bowed my head in deference, raising my hands at the same time. It occurred to me that I was to say something and that the further away from 'told you so, you stuck up schmucks' it was the better.

“Then let the Ascendancy be heard,” I replied. Not that the result wasn't obvious from the way he had addressed me.

Black and White stepped forwards, carrying between them, in a very ceremonial and complicated way, a bundle of mostly grey cloth. I received it with all the proper decorum warranted. Hell, I was ready to strip down and put on my new robes there and then.

Fortunately, House colours were a deeply personal thing. That relieved me of revealing my bullet proof body stocking in public. So I held the bundle with reverence and as if my life depended on it. Which was true, metaphorically speaking. It was more Sarah's life, but this was not the time to be nit-picky.

Thkela and Thorra took me in the middle again, leading me out of the auditorium. I hoped the people in the seats had had a more exciting time than me. As soon as the elevator doors closed behind us, we turned into a small tornado of hands, getting me out of my old and into my new robes in record time.

As expected the new outfit was already custom tailored. It was also grey. Grey, grey, grey, grey, grey. With some blue and a hint of burgundy implying a palei and nele. I was actually respectable. Amazing.

“How do I look?” I wanted to know, slipping the knife into its intended place.

“As foreign as ever,” Thkela said looking me over.”

“Good.” I grinned. “Don't want anybody to think I am normal and belong or heaven forbid, become somewhat adept at being a Chiss.”

“You will never come close to normal if you hair doesn't grow out one day,” Thorra added.

My hand went to my head. The stubble felt doubly rough because it was indeed short and because my hand was still very sensitive. Well, at least I still had hair. If I kept this up, it might just refuse to grow on my head.

After some more determined tugging on hems and adjusting of sleeves and layers, we prepared to disembark as a spectacle. And when the elevator doors opened, three impeccable members of House Mitth emerged.

We made our way to the reception where I was greeted by an official to have my legal paperwork done. After all, a person needed an ID and certificates and all such thing. After becoming a real person, I also became a real mother. It felt good to have Sarah at my side again. With a few more layers I could probably hide Rukh in my robes, too.

Sarah signed everything with the serious expression of a child being an adult. Thkela added her own signature as Sarah's guardian and then my daughter was finally officially my daughter. I just put my new name on everything that wasn't pulled out under my pen in time. It was a very good day to be Pooh indeed.

“Welcome to Csilla, Mitth'lan'arash,” the clerk said when we were done.

I turned towards the doors and set foot onto Csilla as a person for the first time since my arrival. Flanked by Thkela and Thorra I started my way back to the anero. Naturally, Sarah had not given up her place at my side. We must look impressive. Like those slow-motion heroes walking in movies. I took her hand.

Behind us a crowd formed, people following us to the ensuing reception. Of course there was a reception and if it was to take all day, it was only proper. The fun part was to begin. I was actually looking forward to it. There would be no lack of conversational topics and I was pretty sure Sarah had practised something in secret she would perform. Ah, performances. I was definitely looking forward to them. I one hundred percent expected Storm to play me something amazing befitting the occasion.

The greetings were an eerie experience. They were all off. It was not quite certain if my newly acquired membership to the Ne'weëran'ok of House Mitth meant I was actually to be treated with the amount of respect that warranted or not. On the one hand I was part of the first family and third in line to be forokintaän according to my place as Thrawn's wife. On the other hand I was married to a convicted and exiled traitor. So what did that make me, name or no name?

I didn't mind one way or another. I could exploit both. Though I was not keen at all to become the matriarch of a Ruling Family that was actually more of a political entity. Thrawn would make even that work, no doubt. But given the choice I'd chose being Empress of half of Space Beyond. Even Thkela and Thorra agreed that this would be better than trying to be a proper forokintaän. I was not matriarch material.

There was food which I barely tasted, though not for lack of trying. My taste buds just seemed to be occupied otherwise. At least the soda in the drinks prickled nicely in my mouth. When it was time to kick off the speeches, I held on to my glass, climbed the lectern and tried to look confident.

“I thank you all for coming,” I began. The crowd was likely not too different from the first event I had ever attended in these rooms. My own additions to the friends of the house were, sparse. Mostly I had just tightened somewhat existing ties. Not surprising when you considered that everybody somehow knew everybody else on this ice cube.

“You all know that I prefer to have my deeds speak for me instead of words. If I applied this strategy to today, there was nothing left for me to say.” Let my eyes wander over the crowd. “But today I have officially become a part of this society so here I am, amending my ways. Let me tell you a little about why this day is so important for my life and how come it took me so bloody long.”

I finished my speech without incident and was now free to enjoy the rest of the day. Everybody of importance would step up to hold a speech and I wanted to hear them all. It was the first time anybody had ever bothered to make a speech for or about me.

The day which had been very generous for such a reception dwindled away into evening quickly. I had underestimated the amount of talk my name-giving warranted and how long it took to talk to each and everybody. Then there was group conversations with changing participants that demanded changing narratives as well. So much work.

“Mama, come!” Sarah had taken my hand and resistance was futile. I followed my excited smurf through the whole house. A kal'yenok'tar had been set up in a corner. Not the white on from my quarters, but that one was sacred and Storm knew it. He stood ready at the kal'yenok'tar and when Sarah picked up her flute I was ready to dissolve in ugly sobbing.

“We made it whole for you again,” Sarah declared cryptic. “Thorra wrote us the music.”

I glanced over to where Thorra stood, acknowledging her due quietly. Then Sarah and Storm launched the most heart-wrenching if unrecognisable version of Alan Parson Project's Limelight ever. But that is what you got for reconstructing a song from my horrible singing and added what Chiss considered adequate background music to it.

I cried.

Thubal. Also re-enacting my first ever event in these halls handed me a handkerchief. I was grateful but unable to articulate myself that well because I was caught up in sobbing silently into the handkerchief.

When the song finished, I made an undignified lunge at the two and glomped them as if there was no tomorrow. And no audience. Sarah made a small disgusted noise as soon as I my hugging exceeded the socially accepted duration.

“Mama!” She freed herself, and Storm by proxy.

“I am so proud of you! You must have practised so hard! And you kept it a complete secret the whole time.” I glanced at Storm. “Though maybe Storm did help with that a little.”

Storm's lor'kina pretty much said 'perish the thought' but his eyes were flashing.

I was that close to attaching myself permanently to the two of them again. So I babbled instead. “Any other surprises I should steel myself for?”

“Mellanna,” he chided. Of course. If there was anything ahead, he would certainly not spoil it for anybody.

I smiled. Life was perfect. And that is the reason I didn't update here.


	137. Chapter133

The only reason I did not wake up with a horrible hangover was that the Chiss served no alcohol on their receptions. Though, thinking about it, the hangover might just not have had enough time to develop.

If you had stacked the calling cards, they would have been taller than me. There was also a priority message from the Redoubt Committee. They had scheduled an emergency meeting for today to which I totally had to come or suffer the consequences. I was pretty sure I knew what was on the agenda.

So I got Sarah ready for school, tired and unhappy, but that’s what you got for staying up late. She might as well learn that now. Then I made some very strong tea and called Storm. The bastard reclined in his private study and was not the least surprised. "So, how do you feel?"

I made a show of studying my hand which moved okay-ish even if it was unpleasant to do so. Then I held up the sleeve of my tunic and feigned surprise at its colours. "Pretty good, I guess."

"What’s next?"

"A not quite as surprising trip as people think it is. And then-" I opened my arms. "I don’t know. Everything."

"You are quite a force of nature, Mellanna." He shook his head. "Even if you don’t look it."

"My secret." I smiled. "Working hard on keeping it."

"Are there, by chance, more of you where you come from?" He managed to mix human and Chiss body language in a way that bordered on expressing personal interest. Bastard.

"I really don’t know," I had to admit. "I was never a people person before-" I hesitated. Before I met Thrawn. Before I was inducted into the Empire. Before I had been thrown into this Chiss-pool of little else than social interactions.

"A pity." Storm leant back. "Any chance of poaching you?"

I laughed. It was the safest answer.

"That’s what I thought." He smiled. He smiled letting me know that he saw right through my little deflection.

"There’s always Sarah," I tried again. "You said you’d adopt her. Sounds like a pretty watertight way to headhunt her."

"A consolation prize as yet," he replied. "But I will take what I can get. And who knows, in a few years she might just surpass you in every way."

"I hope she does." It was out before my brain caught up. But he let it slip and we talked some more about how to best foster her interest in medicine. We parted on a light note that avoided any implications.

I stared at the calling cards scattered over my desk. It would take forever to get back to all of them. I would likely be recording polite answers soon to dole out on the push of a button. Something to do on my trip to Brask Oto Station. I sighed. It wasn’t quite what I had wanted. But I had gotten myself into it on my own, part of the game. Somebody had to do it. So I did.

It kept me nicely busy until I had to leave for the emergency meeting. My two guards in white escorted me and I really hoped that Arond would get off his sorry arse soon and do something more substantial about my situation. By the time I had bodyguards, everybody would have forgotten why I needed them.

After the initial chatter and apologies about the suddenness of the reschedule Chaf'ari'neolt dropped the bomb.

"We have come to a standstill," Farin declared. "All our discussions will get us nowhere without an actual survey of the situation on site."

Murmurs of agreement rose. Everybody was eager to be the first there. And we were entitled. Kind of. I wondered what each house hoped to find on the Outbound Fight. The way they acted, it was the answer to the question behind the meaning of life.

I kept out of the discussion that weighed the pros and cons of going now versus going later. The outcome was certain but still the debate had to be held. That was life for you.

"How soon could we man an expedition?" I asked when things were winding down in favour of going now.

As expected, it sparked more discussion and it was agreed that three days was the soonest possible date, better make it five. Could everybody make it? Of course they could. It was the chance of a lifetime. Also, five days of preparation clearly showed that this was not a spontaneous idea.

After all each family would want a prestigious representative on board just in case some douchedick tried first contact anyway. We were there already, why waste time?

"Aristocra Chaf’orm’bintrano has requested to accompany the expedition," Chaf’era’netoi added after some discussion.

All eyes turned to me. It was well known that the Aristocra and I didn’t get along. Like not. At. All. I hesitated. "Is there a feasible way we can deny him?" I finally asked.

Lor’kina fluttered all over the room. It was a feast for the yes, especially trained ones. Not that I showed.

"I’m afraid there is not," Ogast said in the end.

I nodded and immediately corrected myself into the appropriate lor’kina. "Then we don’t. I am certain there are many things of interest to occupy the Aristocra on our trip."

This was going too well. Bless their hearts. I would have to grudgingly allow Formbi to join us and in return I would send him off to as many useless tangents as I could. If I could and was not sent off myself in return. We’d both hate it. I loved it.

The next meeting was decided to take place on the ship en route to the Redoubt. Everybody was very excited including me. Provided we didn’t touch down and talk to the survivors. I was far from ready for that. I would always be far from ready.

Still I was miffed to be stopped from barrelling home and preparing for departure by a clerk of the House Palace. But they were polite about it and called me Mitth’lan’arash so I had to be lenient.

I ended up with Arond’s secretary. Well, well, well.

"We hear you are heading out to Brask Oto Station soon," the aide said. "This coincides with our plans for your security."

Did it now. I was all ears. My security situation was somewhat subpar.

"After long negotiations we have arranged for your future safety in compliance with your wishes. The complement will meet you at Brask Oto Station." He gave me a datacard. "This will give you access to the meeting point which is in a restricted area. On behalf of the Meritocra, I declare your protection by White Guard obsolete the moment you leave Csilla. We thank you for your patience."

Patience, my ass. If I could have done anything without causing an éclat I would have. But your hands were perfectly tied when you ere up against the Meritocra. So it was a good thing that I wasn’t anymore. Or not up against this one at least. I just hoped Brask Oto Station was as much of a breakthrough as I hoped it to be.

And this is the reason I didn’t update here.


	138. How The Mighty III

"And you are sure about this?" Nnari was close to pacing. The news was bad indeed.

"I am afraid so," Odann replied. "It is only a tactical respite."

Sabosen'nar'ikali let her shoulders droop for a moment. "I really thought getting House Chaf involved would help."

_You did, child and it did,_ Odann sighed inside her head. _Just not the way you had intended_. If and how much of that was her doing, the Sabosen didn't need to know. "If the House can't be reigned in, maybe hobbling Thrawn will help."

"He cannot be controlled," Nnari replied. "His own House, his brother even, got involved. You know what it cost Threll. And still he won't back down."

"Remove him then, as far as possible?"

Nnari seemed shocked by the idea. "Have you not listened? He cannot be controlled. If he is beyond the reach of his betters, there is no telling what he might do."

"Indeed," Odann agreed. "There will be nobody around to tell."

The young woman mulled over that for a while. Finally she raised her hands a little. "That still leaves the Houses Chaf and Prard. They need to be distracted."

Odann took time to look as if she was considering her options in depth. Naturally, she had no intention of keeping either House completely away from the reckless Admiral. Another thing Nnari did not need to know.

"What if there was renewed interest in some of House Prard's trade areas by House Chaf?" It was a long and traditional feud. So far it had done little but enmesh both Houses in an intricate net of rivalries and co-operations.

"And I have seen some suspicious gadgets in the hands of House Chaf since the incident, too," Nnari added. "The conflict would keep them occupied for a bit."

Odann almost felt sorry for her. Nnari really believed that something as short-term as a few items would distract the Houses from the long-term game of changing the complete ethics of warfare. The latter would prove much more profitable to any of the winning Houses regardless of the side they were on.

It was the long game, that held all the trumps and Odann would never let herself forget that. Small triumphs were just drugs and she was a skilled dealer.


	139. Chapter 134

Five days were not much when you didn’t really want to go even though you really _did_ want to go only you didn’t. I was scared to leave Sarah despite behind everything. I was not quite so scared that the whole trip was an elaborate trap to kill me.

Sarah on the other hand was not so optimistic. "But it’s not safe!" She had her arms crossed, something she definitely had learnt from me. I was charmed. I was also, as far as she was concerned, grounded and not allowed to leave the house.

"I will be as safe as I am here," I tried logic. "There are fewer people and we are in space. They can’t sneak up."

"It’s space," Sarah countered. "Very much space and it is cold and dead.”

She had a point there. Also my movements would be a lot more predictable. Not that I was going to tell her that. “"I promise to stay on the ship and not get jettisoned. You cannot get on a ship unseen. I will know everybody who is there."

So many pretty lies. I wondered if she saw them already. "As soon as we reach Brask Oto Station I will meet my new guards."

"Why can’t they come here?" Sarah wanted to know.

"I don’t know." It was a question I had asked myself as well. But how could I question the Meritocra? Not at all, that was how. "But I will meet them as soon as I can and then I will be safe."

"Promise?"

"Promise." I hugged her and really, really hoped, she-

"You better keep it this time," she whispered into my ear.

Well, she was her father’s daughter after all. Way too clever for me. Since reminding her that I had only needed some patching up wasn’t a good idea, I had needed a lot of patching up, I had been made up of patches, so there. Anyway, instead I just held her close and promised again. A promise I had to repeat many times until my departure.

I was tempted to pack every single item of clothing I had from Space Beyond, even the horrible dresses Krennel had gotten me. Fortunately, Sarah helped me pack and demanded to see those strange outfits before she judged them worthy or not. Hell would freeze over before I showed my daughter how badly dressed he mum had once been.

"How do you know who you are?" She scrutinised my uniforms.

They had to look strange to her, devoid of any denomination of House and status. I rummaged around one of the boxes and unearthed a rank bar. It wasn't much and I sure had only worn it once. In my quarters. Or had it been Thrawn's? Anyway, I gave them to Sarah. "This is how you can tell the rank in the military. The colours and pattern show it."

Sarah turned it over ion her hands. "It is small," she stated. "Is it a small rank?"

"Probably the smallest there is." I sighed. Two red and two blue, I couldn't remember ever seeing less. But then my military career had been short and without much success. I had been in full dress more often than normal uniform and full dress had always gone without any rank bar. Thrawn knew what he was doing there, I was sure.

"You already had blue," Sarah said. "Why did you have blue?"

"Everybody has blue," I tried to explain. This might take some time. The idea that colours were just randomly representing things instead of Houses was unfamiliar for her. You also couldn't tell anything about somebody's House, connections or standing by rank bars. There was just not enough information on them. I wondered how it had been for Thrawn to suddenly wander a universe of unknown variables.

Knowing the bastard, he had probably had the time of his life figuring everything out. Since that was completely unrelated to rank bars, I left it out of my explanations. Sarah was dissatisfied with them anyway. It was a bad system. It did not help. How could anybody be so stupid? I didn't argue and kept packing.

When Sarah had lost interest, I took an extended period to stare at my light blue dress from Deerian's inauguration. With a sigh I ran my fingers over it. The cloth was as soft as I remembered. And I remembered too well, all too well. In the end, the dress stayed where it was. No reason to wrinkle it all over when even should receptions happen, which was more than likely, I would be attending them in proper clothes.

I stared at the grey staring back at me from my wardrobe. Thkela had insisted on throwing most of the blue clothes away, even those I only used to hang out in in my own home. Resistance had been futile. The only reason a few pieces escaped the purge was that they ad accidentally, been stowed away in my bed.

Finally, everything was said and done. The way to the station was totally strange. I had nothing on my but my daughter. Everything had been sent to the surface already to be stowed away in the cruiser by the time we arrived. Sarah clung to my hand. So far she had been the one to leave.

Thirba and Thkela accompanied us, not only to show support and affiliation but because Sarah needed friendly faces on her way home. She didn't know it yet, poor little smurf. But she was not alone and she had friends. Storm appeared at the station as well, filling a gap that shouldn't be there or filled. But as long as she arrived home safe and somewhat happy, I would not complain.

There was gratifyingly much decorum involved getting all of those important Chiss into one train without offending anybody too much. I stepped into the complicated dance, concentrating on it instead of the fact that I was about to leave Sarah behind. The last hug hurt, the smile hurt, walking hurt; but the lor'kina held my hurting mess together nicely.

It was hard, harder even than leaving Thrawn.

But in the end it was done and I was left with nine almost raging Chiss. The tension was thick, manoeuvring had already begun and the only saving grave was that I did not represent House Mitth and had Thara with me. An ex-admiral was much better representation anyway.

On the down side we were expected to share quarters. A fate worse than death, probably. I leant back against the seat and watched the ice pass by. The trip was taking way too long already. A scolding voice inside my head tried to bring me back on track. It was hard work to concentrate on it, but it was right. I had to make the best of this, not slouch.

"She is safe," Thara said gently. She was reading, glancing up at me now and then to see if my state had improved enough to start some actual scheming.

"It is difficult to believe," I replied. "It has been so long."

"You will get used to it just in time to see her off to the military." Thara lowered her pad. "I worry more for you during her service than for Sarah."

"True." I sighed and rubbed my eyes. "I am not much use, I'm afraid. All this fretting. It helps nobody."

"At least you know that. Now you just have to do something about it."

I rubbed my whole head, stubble and all. My right was slightly clumsy. "Alright, what is you battle plan?"

"My battle plan?" Thara sounded amused. "This is your campaign, my dear. I will follow your lead."

Oh wow. I was gutted. How could she even believe I'd handle any of this better than her. She was an established and respected figure in the military, a retired admiral recalled for her expertise. Her reputation was unbeatable, not to mention her tactical acumen. And here she was, deferring to me. Did she know she doomed us all?

"Well." I made a pause and tried to think. "Well."

"Eloquent as ever." Thara was unfazed. "Let me know when you want my input."

She was enjoying this. I should try to do so as well and certainly pretend to do so. I took a deep breath. "My plan is, my plans are, " corrected, "staying as far from Formbi as physically possible without causing an éclat. This should serve me well. And I plan to argue against his plans to instigate first contact in every way necessary to make sure it happens."

"You are certain of that?" Thara sounded doubtful. "I did not think him this brash."

"It's just a feeling," I said. "He had his eyes on the technology of it years ago, I think the possibilities an actual human colony can open up are worth even more to him. And he has quite an ego. First contact would sound good on his resume."

"And if he does not push for first contact?"

"Then I return some other day." As a plan there wasn't really much to it. But not even Thara knew what I was looking for on Brask Oto Station. I would keep it that way. For now. "I have time, Thara. Now that Sarah is safe I do not care how long it takes."

She expressed her displeasure at my lack of ambition but it was lenient. I had come a long way and the last stretch had been painful. I certainly didn't wish to repeat that. If it meant a few years longer stuck here alone – there were by now way worse fates. I smiled to myself. There were indeed.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	140. Chapter 135

Imagine, if you will, a school trip, only that all pupils are adults with tempers less compatible than cats and each about as stubborn. Travelling with the Redoubt Committee was worse. I established early on that wherever Formbi was, I was not to be found. This was not always possible but when we could, we kept our distance. I loved it.

But that was about all I loved. Respite with Thara in our shared quarter was not that respiteful. Communication with the rest of the Ascendancy was ample and the field trip was seen as a perfect opportunity by all houses to do some little dealing on the side. It was exhausting even for me who didn't have anything to deal with.

Add to this that I didn't leave our quarters alone or was ever on my own. Since I did not get along any better with Ogast just because we were cooped up and our houses were allies, I got to know Iyeta surprisingly well. She was distantly related to Thara by blood. Naturally, they could not be seen together. That I spent so much time with her was conspicuous but then I wasn't known to be subtle.

Iyeta's field of expertise was xeno-technologies, of course she was part of the committee and eager to get her hands on some new, unadulterated stuff. She could listen endlessly to my descriptions of Imperial technology and I was telling her everything. Anybody who was able to extract something sensible from my blabbering, deserved it.

Sarah called every day and Rukh send regular updates. Every time my comm pinged the 'all clear' to me, it was heaven. I didn't put it past Odann to just kill Sarah anyway and rob my victory of any sweetness. My victory. Hah! Delusions of grandeur again. But there was hope. And what had this whole thing been if not delusional?

I wished for Thrawn to be around and call me out on my incredible naiveté. I hadn't looked further than saving the galaxy. What amazing luck form my Admiralship. I smiled and typed a reply to Niris, detailing why the house in question was not working for me. Then I stared at my hands for a moment, reflection on my own amazing luck. Even if all went horribly wrong, I would still have a daughter, a family and friends who loved me, a home and a place in the world. Talk about lucky.

Right now my luck was curbed by unbridled ambition. At least nobody could actually do something until we arrived. This meant nothing was to be done, but everybody was hatching out more contingency plan than the Ascendancy had stars. The number of possible alliances and agreements was staggering. It would likely get worse once we changed ships and got crammed into s much smaller vessel that could navigate the Redoubt without exploding.

But first we had to brave Brask Oto Station where I would get my new security detail. I hoped that meant that Thara and I could not share quarters any longer afterwards. I had learnt to blank out bodyguards. I could live with that. Another sentence I had never thought to think with my own brain.

Brask Oto Command Station was quite impressive. The cluster of stars visible behind it was even more impressive. But how could a double pyramid ever hope to outshine that mass of stars and dust? I was quite happy to have appropriated the bridge.

"Please find attached a complete list of our members," I was making polite conversation with a grey screen and a disembodied voice. Chiss politeness because we had not yet officially arrived and been greeted properly. "The Redoubt Committee thanks you for your welcome."

The screen went black, the sign that the connection was closed. Or so one hoped. I decided to stay professional and not risk another attempt on my integrity. There had been enough of those. Formbi sure had had the time of his life.

He was also ready to disembark already. The only thing that kept him from storming out the door as soon as it opened was proper decorum. And probably the fact that he would be disembarking before me anyway because of decorum and there was no sense in letting an opportunity like that go to waste. I stared at his yellow back for a while and hoped it looked menacing. Gods, I loved the scunner.

We filed into the reception area and fanned out appropriately. An elaborate welcome ceremony followed in which the seamless transition from House to House, representative to representative in the colour patterns and decorations was an impeccable work of art. I wondered how many people worked on that for how long to make it flow so neatly. Even my humble self got a hint of a mention right at the end. I was impressed.

Everybody else didn’t look impressed. Maybe they were used to such intricate displays of welcome. Joint ventures couldn’t be a new invention. We filed on into the corridor and the station proper. If I had expected more speeches and pre-arranged schedules as in my Imperial days, I was sorely disappointed.

There was one grand dinner in the evening, the departure scheduled for the day after tomorrow and in the meantime everybody was left to their own devices. We were also staying on board of our cruiser for the few nights. There was no need to stir up the station’s accommodations. I looked around as the Redoubt Committee dissolved into representatives of their own Houses away on business on behalf of their Houses.

As usual, I felt vastly underprepared. I should have loaded myself with appointments. And yet, here I stood with one pick up and one more or less unannounced visit to Denci. Whatever would I do with the rest of my time? Well, if nothing else came to mind, I would very obviously be avoiding Formbi. There, plan.

I followed my instructions to the restricted area of the station which turned out to be a quarantine station. I was not allowed in either. Instead, my bodyguards were finally allowed out. If I read the file right, they had been waiting for several days. Poor sods. I wondered why.

When the air seal opened I stopped wondering. Everything stopped. I tried to move and managed to jerk my head a little. I blinked but, no, there was a very familiar silhouette steeping out of quarantine. White, armoured, helmeted. He tilted his head slightly and I jumped.

“Oh my god!” I kept repeating into the side of the white helmet. He was not alone. “Oh my god.”

The armour was slippery as ever, but I held on tightly, actually with my legs wrapped around him and also, he was helping with an arm around my waist. “Snow Squad reporting for duty.”

I was still whispering ‘oh my god’ and wiping at my tears when my feet finally hit the ground again. I managed to refrain from killer-hugging Fi, Sev and Lyk, but mostly because I held on to Dave’s hand with a death-grip.

So that had taken so long. So that was why Arond had looked extremely unhappy when I said I would only trust my own. He had understood my own people, humans where I had actually meant my own people as Rukh and House Mitth. The future brightened up a few shades. So much white had to have that effect. I grinned like a madwoman. I was so happy.

“I will need new quarters.” I laughed. How delightful. I would not be able to take all four of them with me into the Redoubt no doubt, but even one, even just Dave would make a world of difference. Thoughts racing through my head didn't get us anywhere, though. So Dave took the lead and got us out of the way. I couldn't stop touching him as if he'd vanish again any moment.

Finally, I managed to get a grip on myself. "How are you?"

"Good," they replied in unison.

I waited but they did not elaborate. Some things don't change. "What have you been doing these last years?" I tried again.

"Our job," Dave said but I wasn't going to let him get away with that. In a combined effort of silence and lor'kina I prompted him to go on.

"Since you left there has been no major war." He made it sound as if it was my fault. Okay. "Civil unrest and organised crime cannot be wholly extinguished, though. There is always a conflict to be ended."

Diplomatically put. I had been so absorbed with the peace between the Republic and the Empire, and also my own complicated life that I had spared barely any attention to the details of the political situation. Small things that could have big consequences. I remembered Gargon.

"How is he?"

"The Emperor is doing fine all things considered," Dave replied.

"All things considered?"

"Politics don't allow for permanent solutions," he explained. "There is no victory, only truce and ceasefire until the power dynamics shift again."

Well, you could look at it like that. Not that I had given it much thought until now. Poor Thrawn. Though he probably enjoyed being kept on his toes all the time too thoroughly for his own good. Time for me to return and – yeah. No.

It would be him coming to me. And it would only be a break for a certain kind of politics. I sighed and refrained from grilling Dave about my husband. What was he going to tell me anyway? "We better talk to Thara now. You need places to sleep."

They followed me through the station and I felt so safe. Giddiness was rising back up as I imagined calling Sarah. And Storm. Stormtroopers. Not that he'd get the joke in it. We turned a few heads in the corridors but even Chiss glares easily bounced off the white armour.

Thara's face turned from incomprehension to incredulous. My broad grin being cause for the first and my squad reason for the second.

"Yes, but four of the?" She asked.

"That's the normal number," I tried to explain. "What a squad is."

Disapproval rippled all over her lor'kina. "Ogast will not be pleased."

"I am counting on it." I grinned. "But I do not care. I want to take all of them along into the Redoubt."

"He will oppose this," she replied, "strongly."

"I know. The more forceful I will insist, the fewer he will allow along. It is perfect." I glanced at my stormies. It would be a little difficult to explain to them what to do while here, but it was indeed perfect. I wondered what Thrawn had to do to make sure I got my new bodyguards here. Now.

Thara did not understand why I wanted them to stay behind, but she trusted me. "I will break it to Ogast gently, before you try to barrage all over bim," she decided. You can talk to our captain about nes quarters. Let him know that I am not keen of the proximity of strange humans. Be they ypur bodyguards or not."

"Acknowledged."

"We will clear our luggage for transport, your Majesty," Dave said all official.

I wondered how long I would have to live with that. Probably whenever strangers were around or status had to be kept. I hoped I wouldn't get a paddy because of it and kill people. Time would tell. "Do that."

We departed to our respective conversations and that is the reason I didn't update here.


	141. Chapter 136

After some juggling and unhappy lor'kina in lieu of noises from all involved I was moved to a different quarter at the very back of our cruiser. I was not about to complain though it was cramped. Not just for the squad. It turned out they each had two huge crates with them.

"What is all that?" I asked looking around for space to store the boxes. Each was as long as a trooper was tall, you could probably have put two troopers into one crate.

"Spare armour and weaponry mostly," Fi said. "It's not as if we can get it where we go, right?"

Oh, this was golden. "Functional?" I asked.

"Fully. Why?" he tilted his head.

"Because we need to talk in private." And with spare helmets, I could brief all of them in one go. I liked it.

"We can get two, maybe three of them into our quarters upright," Dave poked his head in through the joining door. "The rest will have to go in here."

I looked around again. "Good luck?"

"You don't plan to be in here much, do you?" Sev asked.

"No. But I do plan to get from the door to the bunk."

"No worries, we'll just move the bunk." Lyk strode off.

I took a deep breath. They were impossible and I loved them. I just had to remember it. And I had other fish to fry first. "Go ahead. Call me when you're done, we have calls to make. I will do some now."

Before they could ask questions, which they probably didn't intend to do but hey, I walked back into the old quarters I had shared with Thara. Of course Dave followed, because no matter what I thought when duty started, he had his own ideas. Better ones as usual as well.

Thara was also packing, moving to a quarter for one. While she was busy, I took hold of the room's comm and called Ogast. Dave took up position almost out of the image. Poor Ogast.

"Greetings, Nuruodo'gas'talei," I opened politely but with urgent undertones. "I assume Mitth'ar'alani has already told you about the changes in the passenger list?"

"Lanna," he returned curtly. "The admiral has informed me about you new safety situation. New arrangements are yet to be decided on."

"You cannot consider leaving them behind?" I raised my hands unnecessarily high. "I have travelled here under the strict parameter that my new bodyguards would take on protecting me from here on."

"There is no reason to assume you will be in danger in the Redoubt," Ogast said. "The crew and passengers are trustworthy."

"So is everybody in Mitth anero and still..." I allowed myself to cross my arms shortly before translating it into the properly offending lor'kina. Consequently, Ogast bristled in the way on Chiss can and everything went downhill from there. I sped up the process by insisting stubbornly that it was only right and obvious that I should take all four stormtroopers with me, it was certainly what the Meritocra had wanted.

"Lanna," Ogast cut me off very rudely. "No decision has been made concerning this subject as yet. Once the rest of the Redoubt Committee has come to a conclusion, you will be informed."

I opened my mouth, the closed it and took a deep breath. "Of course, Nuruodo'gas'talei. I will wait."

Before I could add some more offensive lor'kina to my words he cut the connection. I held my breath and pressed my lips and lids tight. When it came to the decision between laughing and dying, I took a careful breath. Since I didn't double over with laughter immediately, I allowed myself another. Still, it would be some time before I had my face under enough control again to show it in public.

"How did it go?" Thara asked. She had finished packing and watched me with amusement.

"Amazing," I replied grinning wildly. "The only reason Ogast will allow even one of my bodyguards on the trip is that not doing so would be a mighty offence."

"And that makes you happy."

"Indeed." I wouldn't give her any details. But since I was bursting to tell somebody, I got myself back to my new room. Crates were stacked in it but there was enough space left to get me from the door to the bunk and even into the fresher. Pieces of white armour sat on my bunk, topped off with a helmet. Good. Excellent. Everything went exactly as planned. As yet.

To keep it that way, I gave Snow Squad a script for the following call. What good were your very own stormtroopers if you couldn't impress the shit out of your own daughter? I didn't have many chances to be impressive, better milk this for all it was worth. Not to mention I was looking forward to seeing my smurf and she would be relieved to know I was safe. In case something more important had not chased that from her mind.

"Hello luv."

"Mama!" She had not forgotten as her crossed arms and cut death-glare proclaimed. "Where is your bodyguard?"

I smiled and nodded. Snow squad stepped into the frame, Dave and Fi on my right, Sev and Lyk on my left.

Despite her grown-up age, Sarah counted visibly. "Four?" She still didn't believe it.

"Those are stormtroopers," I explained. "they come from Papa's empire and are the best warriors there. This is Snow Squad, I worked with them before I came here. I'll introduce you."

They took off their helmets in unison and I pointed each out, saying their names. After which they snapped into a perfect salute. "Your Highness."

Sarah's jaw dropped. She stared for a good while before looking at me again. "They look like you!"

Well, yes. Maybe being a highness couldn't compete with seeing the first non-blue people beside me. "They do," I agreed. "And they will make sure I am safe."

"That is Dave?" Sarah pointed hesitantly.

"Yes, Your highness," Dave replied.

"And I am your highness?" her voice faltered.

"Yes, You Highness," Dave repeated.

Though it was utterly adorable, I decided to save my smurf. "Dismissed," I said in the general direction of Dave and all four stormtroopers vanished from the frame.

"Are they gone?" Sarah asked after a moment.

"Far enough," I assured her, "but not too far to protect me."

She processed that. "I am a highness?"

Here it came. "That is true. Your imperial Highness, Princess Sarah the First." I was sure she had more titles already, but this was long enough for starters.

"Are you a Highness?" Her forehead scrunched up.

"Unfortunately, so. Though I am a majesty. That means I am an Imperial Empress. The Imperial Empress, actually. There is only one." I thought. I had been away a long, long time. Who knew what had happened. Well, in broad strokes I did and Thrawn would probably have mentions a second wife to me. So there.

"It's okay," I went on, seeing the worry on her face. "You don't have to leave and go to a princess school. We will stay here. Nothing will change." It seemed to appease her somewhat so I went to the tried strategy to ask about her day. It worked if a little reluctantly.

"Did you go to princess school?" Sarah asked finally. I was looking at quite some time discussing princessing and such in the future. I better brush up my knowledge. I better acquire some knowledge. Strutting around in a dress and gawking at Thrawn probably didn't count as proper princessing.

"No, I was not born a princess. I married your papa later."

"Did papa go to princess school?"

Now that was an image to store away for alter perusal. Thrawn in princess school. Well, well; the fun I would have with that. Anyway, back to the conversation at hand. "Papa went to school here," I said. Now that should comfort her some. "He learnt that later, when he was in the Empire."

Evening classes in princessing while rising through the ranks of the military. I could so see that. Proof that the fanficcing mind never slowed down.

"And you can do it that way, too." Not that I could guarantee it, but I would do my best. And maybe a taste of being the best in everything at her age would make the idea to live in the Empire more palatable. It would definitely be a nice change for her.

It was strange to feel so torn about it. The plan had been to come here, get Thrawn back and return to the known galaxy ASAP. Had been. I scratched my head after the call, trying to remember when the plan had changed and who had authorised it. I was still wondering after calling Storm and got presentable for the big dinner.

As usual the woman in the mirror had nothing sensible to contribute. She wanted many things but none of them fit together. Nothing new there. I ran my hands through my Monchhichi hair. Nothing to be done about that either. Still looked like I did aged six. Or almost. I stared at my right hand, white lines that would never fade. Slowly I pushed up my left sleeve looking at the scar on my forearm. Had I actually learnt my lesson? With a sigh I turned to leave.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	142. Chapter 137

I loved grand dinners. Not because of the hell of decorum and welcoming you had to suffer through until everybody was greeted correctly. No, I loved to eat and grand dinners always had great food. That was true even out here at the arse of the Ascendancy. Due to my status as guest, I wasn't even the last to walk through the complicated reception area.

It was amazing. I had colours, I had patterns, there was blue like ocean on skin and tears in the rain. There was a trickle of burgundy like heavy, heady blood, scented like wine and chocolate. Of course it was over way too soon, but there were other people waiting to enter. Not that those right behind me were in any hurry. The longer I took, the longer they could gawk at Dave.

We were the talk of the evening. It was probably better nobody expected more of my bodyguards to be positioned conveniently if invisibly. But I would gladly be seen making concessions to the Chiss society by having only one bodyguard along.

True to Chiss style, even the grand dinner was a buffet. How else would you be able to meander around and talk to absolutely everybody? No seating order ever could achieve this. Though my head happily devised roller-coaster alike contraptions with tables and chairs.

Unfortunately, I was of interest this evening and though I would not starve, eating the way I had intended would have been quite impolite. Maybe I would be impolite to a few chosen, I just had to time my conversations correctly.

For good measure, I ignored Ogast for some time. After all he owed me an answer to my bodyguard problem. In return he deigned it below him to even include me in his body-language.

"Don't overdo it," Thara warned me. "House Nuruodo is our closest ally."

"Just because our Houses are allies, doesn't mean we have to like each other," I replied. "I will work with him well enough. I can rise over my personal feelings."

That was naturally the whole point of my grumpy display of dislike. If I didn't hit my beloved Chiss over the head with it, they would never believe me capable of it. It was just the way they were, well most of them. Storm had gotten better in not trusting me. But then I was working hard on not – oh bother. I had given up on not trusting him. That would bite me in the arse one day.

But not today. I took a moment to talk to Denci and confirm our appointment for the coming day. Since I was kinda important and a guest, he rather enjoyed talking to me in public. I had to suppress a smile. He was on his way to command anyway, was he not? My memory was getting sketchy. I should have made notes. I should demand Thrawn share the ones he made years back.

Instead I had to make do with my gut feelings. Not that those hadn't served me well. I accosted Formbi who had no choice but to talk to me under the circumstances.

"Your attempt to display good relations is much too obvious to work," he told me, his lor'kina a masterpiece of subtle disapproval.

"And here I was thinking that a show of unity from the Committee would be of advantage," I replied, completely ignoring it.

"If there is disagreement, it is not of my making."

"Of course," I agreed. "We are all working together for the best of the Ascendancy. And a survey mission including all of us is in its best interest. Or it better be, considering the cost."

"You could have stayed if you disapprove." It was a bait. I took it.

"And leave all the glory to you? Aristocra Chaf'orm'bintrano, you must think I am stupid."

"I do not," he objected. "But you are obvious. You stand out and no matter what disguise you try, I will always recognise your stuttering attempts at blending in. At the moment, you are a necessity, but not for much longer."

He closed the conversation gracefully and turned away. Well, my friend, challenge accepted. I decided to have a beak for actual eating now. Frustfressen. It would send all the right messages and get me some well deserved desserts. Among other things.

Prard'rac'klanoe counted as 'other things' but I had hoped to get my hands on him. As designated Prard for trade in the Committee, he had beaten Prard'enl'asei specialised in finance to the seat on the excursion. I do not know how. Maybe because once you had financed a trip like this, it didn't matter who went. Or maybe less honourable motives were at work. These were Chiss after all.

"If the expenses bother you," Drack told me politely, "maybe you should have stayed behind."

"I considered it," I replied. "But too much is hinging on this and there are many open questions. This discovery could unbalance the whole Ascendancy if not handled carefully. We must be sure our approach benefits all, not only those that have early contact."

I was incriminating House Chaf here and he knew it. "there has been no sign that any of the messages sent have been received. They might be unable to reply, but they may not have hear, either."

"Outbound Flight had been equipped to last decades without re-supplying. Of course it all depends on how baldy their equipment and the replacements have been damaged in the crash. I hope our visit will shed light on that."

If he didn't get that hint, nobody could help him. Some houses cold profit more from early contact than others and all they would have to do is go through me. How hard could that be? There were surely allies to be found.

"Do you know what you are doing?" Thara asked me.

"I do", I told her. "Do I know what everybody else will do? No. But I am optimistic."

"I wished I knew what you are up to." There was an offer in that.

"No, you don't." I raised my right holding my glass a little higher, just enough to come into her line of sight. "You really don't."

There wasn't much you could reply to that and I was not questioned further. The remaining evening was uneventful. At least from my perspective. I had no idea how the event ranked among the stations personnel. The crowd looked as if somebody had counted down the hundred most important people on Brask Oto and invited them.

It was nice, though to speak to people that seemed more normal. Handling matriarchs, patriarchs and scions was its own kind not not-fun. I had gotten used to it, but still. Here I got my hands on captains and first officers, logistics and weapons experts. It was a whole different world.

I took the long route back, making sure as many people as were still up saw me with my shining knight in white. They would have get used to it. I wondered how invisible they could make themselves in the coming days.

Sev, Fi, and Lyk were waiting for us already. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened, no hostile eyes on me, nothing beyond natural Chiss urges to keep an eye on the aberration.

"Briefing is tomorrow before I visit Denci," I told them. "Thank you."

By now they knew better than to protest my thanks. So they just accepted it with another spectacular unison salute and filed into their own room. This revealed a small box sitting on my bed. Well. Unexpected. I picked it up and it was light.

I peeked into the squad's room holding it up. "What is that?"

"A present." Lyk's sneer went so well with his tone.

"From you?" I countered? "You shouldn't have."

Dave had to cough before he could reply. "We were asked to deliver it, with his Majesty's regards."

OK? That didn't help guessing what it was at all. Though there were not many options, were there? It wasn't something too personal, because it had to be hidden in the squad's stuff. So either there were three more boxes like this, which was a funny thought: Dave dispensing the same gift over a period of time.

"Open it or of to bed." Dave gently pushed me back towards the door.

I didn't resist. What more could they tell me anyway? A gift from Thrawn. I touched my ear rings shortly. H had a knack f making those painful. So I got ready to sleep before I sat down cross-legged on my bunk. The box was very nondescript. Taking a deep breath I opened it.

And was glad I had just inhaled. A very fluffy piece unfurled from the box. It smelled slightly musty which was only a little detrimental to the overall effect. I pulled the blanket free, dug my nose into it and inhaled deeply. I didn't even need my imagination, I was straight back at my Admiralship playing games with my head. Fuck.

But it was overall too late, and it didn’t matter if Dave puled three more of those from his ass. My own version that I had brought with me was by now pretty gnarly, full of knots and more smelly than I was ready to admit. This was completely soft, almost caressing my skin.

Thrawn knew me and he knew what he was doing. That bloody bastard. I curled up under the fluffy blanket and cried myself to sleep.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	143. Chapter 138

When had been the last time I had slept in? I didn't know. I truly couldn't remember. But here I was, swathed in nostalgia under my new blanket, staring at the ceiling. This hadn't happened in forever. Early mornings usually were spent getting Sarah ready for school and since I was up anyways. Yeah, no sleeping in.

And on days where sleeping in was an option, usually Sarah turning me into a trampoline cut slothing around in bed short. I turned over and tried to enjoy the soft, warm feeling. It wasn't really happening. I didn't have anything to do either. It was the perfect time to linger in bed and, and, and…

With a disgruntled sigh I got up. Whoever turned my life into this sorry state was in need of a serious talk. Mirror-lady was not impressed by the talk at all so I decided to talk to my squad instead. Not that they would be impressed but at least they listened. Politely.

We huddled in their tiny quarters since there was no space at all in mine to seat five people. Their cabin had two bunk beds at least and I sat down on the floor leaning against the door. After slipping the helmet over my head, I had to close my eyes for a moment and adjust to the displays. Most of them were disabled, but that meant nothing to somebody unused to the HUD.

"So, how much do you know about why I am here?"

"Everything."

I felt free to doubt that. I mean, Thrawn sure hadn't told me everything. Not by a long mile, or two or two thousand. "Alright, so here's the plan to undo the exile. Odann, the former Meritocra has-"

"Collaborated with the Vagaari to destroy House Mitth. She sent data to Brask Oto station from the battle but nobody could prove it. This is what we will find while you frolic in the Redoubt unearthing old Jedi projects," Lyk interrupted me. "Then we just have to prove her intention to destroy House Mitth connected to this and we are done."

I opened and closed my mouth a few times. They knew. He knew. I mean, of course he knew? What I didn't know was why he hadn't told _me_. Something I would have to think about really hard and soon. Because who knew, maybe I didn't want my Admiralshipness back after all and would just settle happily ever after with Storm.

"Right," I said aloud. "This is why three of you stay here. More eyes to look for the data trail. But I also want you to be visible and visibly helpful. Get people used to seeing you around."

"Faces or no faces?" Sev wanted to know.

It was a good question. On the one hand having nobody knew what they looked like could be of advantage. Having them know what one of them looked like could be even more advantageous. Letting the Chiss know my bodyguards all looked the same might be very confusing to them and as such pleasing to watch. Decision, decisions.

"Armour only," I decided. "Take off the helmets if you can find a sensible reason to do so. Don't let them know what you can do."

"Of course not, Mellanna," Dave said.

"Well, good." I looked at them but they gave me nothing. When they knew everything. It was maddening. "I'll just be making calls then until leaving to talk with Denci."

When I turned to leave, Dave held out his hand. Oh. I took the helmet off and blinked against the light. Then I strode of, not believing for a second the stormtroopers bought my façade determination. Still, I did sit down before my comm. And there I sat and stared at the blank screen.

They knew. They knew everything and I had arrived here like a bumbling idiot, totally clueless. How? Why? What had his Grandadmiralshippness been thinking? I rubbed my temples. All thought coming up were unkind. And sooner or later, I wanted to scream and cry simultaneously.

But that wasn't going to happen. I would not arrive at Denci puffy-faced and red-eyed. It was the wrong kind of red eyes anyway. Taking deep breaths, I went through the list of calls I could make. Then I settled for writing messages. It calmed me down enough to think straight again. At least about the goals I had in talking to Denci.

When Sev collected me, I was indeed as collected as I got. He followed me like a very white shadow but the turning heads were already much fewer. Good.

"Stay out here and pay good attention." It felt strange to give orders to Sev. He was pretty much an unknown. But he was their brother, so he would get my drift as well as any of them. Provided he didn't take me for an idiot for stating the obvious. I just couldn't win.

Denci received me graciously, there was not much space for colours and patterns so things didn't feel as formal. His quarters were small but cut exceedingly well. It didn't feel cramped at all.

"I thought you would bring a bodyguard?" He enquired.

"He is waiting outside," I explained. "I trust you."

And of course with the wall and the door between us there was no chance he'd eavesdrop on our conversation, right? Right. I hoped it put Denci at ease; having him all guarded would be very detrimental to my plans. Plans that had included getting actually knowledgeable about Chiss communication systems, their history and horribly detailed technological minutiae.

But it worked. Denci thawed, explaining how changing from communications through buoys to long-range, unrelayed transmissions had changed the complete infrastructure of communicating in the Ascendancy.

"But aren't buoys still used?" I asked. "There must be places out of reach even now."

"Very few," Denci replied. "And the further into the outskirts the buoys are placed, the more prone they are to accidents. Debris, solar flares, radiation spikes – their upkeep is usually not worth the effort."

"The whole industry was made obsolete." I demonstrated my tendency to state the obvious. "It must have been a difficult time for House Inrokini."

"The turmoil was mostly internal. One technology replacing another." Denci's fingers shrugged elaborately. "As long as people communicate, there is hope."

"It is the most important skill," I agreed. "And entering the new technology in its early phase was a good decision."

"It has served me well," he said. "Though in retrospect I feel rather unqualified for the work I was given."

He didn't say it, but he also wondered why he had been chosen. "There was surely nobody more qualified on board of the vessel," I prodded lightly.

"Perhaps. I have never pursued that question."

"And now it is much too late. Any data from that time is long gone, except for the really important bits."

Denci afforded to look shocked. "Nothing is ever deleted. The history of this station is of utmost importance. The Chiss cannot afford any mistakes. Everything has to be documented and traceable."

"The data cores must be huge." I made sure that I was thinking something completely different. This was where the difficult part started and it was doubly difficult because I had planned to work a completely different angle. Still, this was way too good to pass up.

"Do you think," I hesitated and rippled embarrassed uncertainty all over myself, "I mean, there have been communications with – him. Do you think they are still there? Do you think maybe I could-" I broke off and stared at my boots. That at least seemed to be a universal.

"I understand that the complete ban on communications from outside can be hard," Denci said implying that I should have known that before I came. "But history has proven this to be the only secure path."

"I understand," I conceded contrite. "Much damage can be done so I will not even try to challenge this. That is why I thought maybe-" I actually turned red. Great. Better than any acting.

"The amount of stored information is enormous," Denci jumped to our rescue. "It would take a lot of time and the material would be old."

I accepted the pity in his voice. I did feel rather pitiful a lot. "The redoubt Committee will leave tomorrow already," I replied beat. Then I added a spark of hope. "Maybe, if not all of my bodyguards can accompany me, I mean, I don't know if they understand enough Cheunh to get the process explained to them, but if you could, if you would, they could try?"

Denci looked at me for a very long moment. Finally he agreed. "If they can understand, they will have much time on their hands otherwise."

"If one of them has to stay behind, I will send him to you." I raised my hands to be parallel with the floor and made fists. That had to be enough affluent gratitude. But it was only proper when he was about to set impeccable hackers free on the complied information of Brask Oto Station. "Though I am sure the Nuruodo'gas'talei will have done all he can to assure I do not have to travel unprotected."

"There is no reason to fear," he replied. "The Redoubt is the safest place in the Ascendancy."

"I had thought the same about Csaplar." I let my fingers shrug. "I decided to be careful. But let us talk of more interesting things."

So we did and it turned out to be an overall pleasing encounter. Though I would probably scream if I heard the words 'screen' and 'modulation' or 'frequency' in close vicinity to each other in the coming days, I'd probably scream.

Back in my quarters, I talked to Snow Squad briefly. As expected, Sev had gotten every single word we had spoken and since he had had nothing better to do, also an analysis. Denci was sincere and not about to sell me out. If Sev proved to be wrong a small bug should warn us in time.

"So you know what to look for?" I asked.

"Timestamp, assumed format, size," Dave confirmed.

"And we'll find you some nice recordings of your husband as well," Fi added.

"Thank you." Something cold and fierce was rising in my throat again. "Please try to be visible and helpful around the station still."

They promised and I left them to their own plans. I had calls to make. First of course I called Sarah. She was happy I was still alive, disapproved slightly that my bodyguards were in the next room and insisted on grilling Dave with all kinds of questions. Curly hair was on top of that list, followed by the plethora of questions you tend to have about living in armour. Sarah was quite pleased to hear that peeing was no problem.

After I was up-to-date on her life, I got adjustments from Thkela. But all was in order. It was very calm and nobody had tried anything. Adjustments were being made to sensibly house my new bodyguards. There had, naturally, been quite the debate, but Arond had batted it all down. The four men and their equipment had gone through rigorous Chiss testing and vetting. They were safe and clean.

Probably chipped and vacced extensively as well. I stopped myself right there. Instead I made a few more calls, telling everybody how fine everything was and sometimes how much I missed them or looked forward to seeing them again. I also promised Inari that she could talk to my bodyguards about life in space beyond for novelling reasons. I got the feeling that many people would want to do that. Maybe I should charge.

When I felt the rabid cold getting too strong, I crawled into bed and pulled the blanket over my head. Why had Thrawn told them everything when I knew nothing when I arrived. It made me so angry. I made me beyond sad. It made me feel so many things at once that I didn't even try to untangle it. The knot was pressing against my insides all knobbly.

Everything would have been so much easier had I known the details of the exile. All I knew that it was probably a mistake. But a failed attempt at taking down House Mitth? That was a whole different angle! If I had know that when I arrived, I would have, I would have-

I sure would have had my eyes on Odann from the start and Dhenn and even Inari. Maybe I should have asked Dave where Inari stood in the whole mess. I suspected she was supporting me, but well, she was a Chiss and an author. I sure would have made so many things different.

Like, I'd have had an agenda from the first day. I would have known that Odann needed – and I might even have gone up against here immediately. Not the best idea, maybe? I sure could have cut the life expectancy of Sarah and/or me short. Well. I bit my lip.

Had I know, I had barraged in like a drunk elephant, likely with corresponding results. I would have gotten nothing done because Chiss were playing this game for forever and I had just arrived totally clueless. Curse the man. Curse all men while I was at it. Just because it made total sense, didn't mean I had to like it.

How often had I been at this place? Way too often, I decided. Maybe this would soon have an end. After all, nobody could keep me from throttling Thrawn personally when he arrived. That was something to keep in mind.

I expelled the fluffy blanket from the bed and glowered into the darkness until I fell asleep.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	144. Chapter 139

Ogast actually managed to tell me how many bodyguards I could take when we arrived fully packed at the small freighter. It as an embarrassing display of power but I had come prepared. I made no scene, I said goodbye to three of my men and boarded with Lyk in tow and my head held high.

It was a blessing that nobody could see inside my head and it had taken me many long years to understand this, both parts of it. So I was one half grinning maniac letting three excellent hackers loose on the Stations data cores and one half embarrassed slob because that stupid blanket had found its way back into my bed all by itself by the time I woke up.

My head was playing four lines from Person's Latest Flame on auto-repeat. Unfortunately, they didn't even go together. I did my best to ignore them because they were very false, too. If only my brain could catch up to that fact and stop being a big fat liar and raining on my parade. It was undignified to whack yourself in public, so I refrained.

There would be enough time to spend in private in the coming four day to bang my head against whichever bulkhead of my quarter I desired. Also, I had Lyk with me who would likely oblige happily if I asked him to do some whacking. As I was obviously taking the least good hacker with me, I had expected to travel with Fi, but somehow being the squad medic translated into better programming skills than being the boom expert.

Looking at our quarters, I was happy all over again to travel with Lyk. They were completely cramped and I would leave them just to get out of his personal space. I had no idea how this would have gone down with Dave in tow.

"I hope you brought something to do with all that time on your hands." I looked at the small closet that was full just looking into it. Yep, I was not the most important person on this trip. Or maybe just the one people wanted to annoy most.

"I thought I was supposed to watch you," Lyk replied.

"Well, I plan on hanging out on an observation deck for most of the time. I like hyperspace patterns and the navigational stops should be pretty as well. Not sure how much actual capacity watching me lounge about will take."

"So your plan is already complete?"

"Do I look like a woman without a plan to you?" I looked him straight in the eye.

As an answer, Lyk raised a corner of his mouth.

I had to turn away before breaking into laughter. Yes, there was a plan. Somewhere. I knew the broad strokes by heart and all details depended on how things actually turned out in the end. Perfectly detailed plans that actually worked, were Thrawn's metier. I played by ear with my head full of improvised solutions.

But before I could start my four-day bore-out, I had things to set in motion. Thara was not surprised to see me. Her quarter was bigger than mine and I had to share. I shook my head. "Figures."

"I have heard that Ogast was not happy about your pushy behaviour," she told me as we sat down.

"But he has already taken three of my four guards," I protested. "There was no need to stuff me in the last closet feasible."

"He doesn't like you."

"Can't help him there." I leant back and closed my eyes. "Do you think, we'll make it?"

Thara chuckled. "I think so. New considerations have cropped up concerning the safety of the survivors. They are down there for a very long time. New assessment of the information we have on Outbound Flight is to be made to see if they are in danger of dying. It would be very bad manners to deliver corpses back to their old home."

"They can hold out another few years," I said.

"That's your opinion."

I sat up looked at her because the tone piqued my interest. "What is so bad about my opinion?"

"Firstly of course, that it is yours," she smiled. "As a human, no matter how well adapted, you are still an alien with no understanding of the finer points of being Chiss. Secondly, since the survivors are assumed to be human, you do have ulterior motives. We just have to find them."

"Oh." I relaxed. "I hope you didn't let anything slip."

"I would never," Thara protested. "Everybody knows how much you enjoy being the only human in the Ascendancy. A status you are loth to lose, no doubt."

"What, and share all the attention the Chiss give me?" My indignation was as real as her protestations. To think I now easily conversed in anything but straightforward word. And didn't get a headache.

"Indeed," she agreed. "So of course you will claim they can easily hold out."

Now that was an excellent point. I wouldn't have to do anything much now than insist that things were better going the way planned. First contact was premature and nobody was ready for it.

My arguments had exactly the intended result. The longer we argued, the less support my position had. Formbi was doing a formidable job of taking me down every other corner. Since I was human and didn't take such things well, I had to retire to more secluded places. I had chosen a small observation lounge that doubled as sensor cluster.

As anticipated, I loved it. The hyperspace patterns lulled me into a state of sedate tranquillity and the realspace views were breath-taking. All I lacked was somebody to share it with. Lyk didn't count, his aesthetic assessments were based on how well things went boom. They were accurate and quite terrifying, but not really what I wanted.

"The Chaf Aristocra really has it in for you," Iyeta told me on one of her visits.

"It seems that meeting humans before has not leave a good impression on him," I replied. "Since I have met many humans, I will not blame him."

"Admirable, but not getting you anywhere."

"And arguing will?" I asked innocently. Alliances were fleeting in this game and so far Iyeta had stayed on neutral ground.

"You have seen the results for yourself," she evaded taking a stand. "And the arguments for first contact are compelling."

"Nothing should be decided until we see the wreck for ourselves," I said. "Even a close up investigation can be done without contacting the survivors. Without a compelling reason and an excellent plan of procedure, nothing rash should be attempted."

The days went by like this. A few meetings led to heated discussions but no decisions. I spent most of my time lounging and trying not to think. That was difficult because there was so much to think about. So much could go wrong here and so much depended on it. How did the others stand this kind of pressure? I just wanted it to be over.

I went to be early, curling up under my new blanket while Lyk made one last round. Routines were soothing even if they meant nothing. Though this one did mean something. I hoped the intended recipient got the message but everybody on board was a Chiss and sharp enough to cut themselves. It was only me who worried all night long in uncertainty.

But on the last evening, I wanted to cull this uncertainty from my life. There was enough to worry about and every bit I could remove was helping.

"Sure you can handle it?" Lyk sneered as he adjusted the armour to my frame.

"Even if I don't, people will think it was you who ran face-first into walls." I grinned and was happy that my face was hidden under the helmet. "But you do have time to come up with an explanation, should anybody bother to ask about it."

"Sometimes I wonder why we put up with you." he slapped me on the back and I stumbled.

"Because the Emperor said so," I replied. "And I love you and am more than happy to have you here. Though that is probably just another point of annoyance to you. I don't care. Thank you, Lyk."

"I do have a name," he reminded me.

"And you never told me." I shrugged; the armour felt reassuring if a little big. There was a long pause which I used to tun of 87% of the HUD's displays.

"DV-947," he finally replied.

"Thank you, DV-947," I repeated myself.

He snorted and almost shoved me into the corridor. Time to make the usual round. I straightened as much as I could and tried to strut and stalk at the same time. It was only a short circuit of the ship's most important sections including engine room and returning through storage. Storage was half empty and I could have set up camp there a lot more comfortably than in my current room. I sat down with a sigh.

"Are you authorised to be here?"

I looked up to find Formbi looking down at me. "You would be surprised."

"Indeed I would not. As passengers we are not supposed to be here except attended by a crewer or bodyguard."

I looked behind him pointedly. "Looks like you lost yours."

"Which would still be more dignified that to impersonate one." Formbi shook his head. "What is so important you have to talk to me in person, Lanna?"

I loved him, I just did. "I'm just a stupid human and I sometimes need reassurance." It was about impossible to slump in armour.

"Then you will never be able to play this game in league with us," he said. "There is no assurance, no certainty in the path you have chosen. The only way to keep your alliances is to have them believe you will win. This," he gave me a disappointed once-over, "does not look like it."

"Do I have to remind you, Aristocra, that I am not playing?" I tilted my head slightly. "The safety and prosperity of the Ascendancy are not things I will gamble on."

"The progress of one Ruling House can determine the future and well-being of the whole Ascendancy," he objected, "It might as well be yours."

"Only a Chiss would think like that." I sighed.

Now Formbi smiled. "Which is why they will never see you coming." He nodded and left.

I stared at my gloved hands for a while, moving the black-and-white digits in restless patterns. Was my desire for certainty always to be rejected thus? Was there no certainty in this life? I couldn't stand the idea. There had to be something you could rely on, something stable and safe.

I couldn't come up with much on my way back to my quarters. The only constant in my life were words and fiction lovers. Where did that leave me? I didn't want to think about it. So I thought about the coming day instead. Outbound Flight. I wondered how it would be to see humans again.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


End file.
